I find myself listening to the sounds of the shower to make sure Donna is okay. I know she's fine, but I just want to be sure. She is plenty well enough to be home alone now, but I feel better being here right now. My mother is making the most of her time in D.C and spending the day catching up with some old friends and I am taking her place at home, working from our living room. I had been working in the office most of the time while Donna was at home recovering. With my mother in town, she insisted she was well taken care of and that it was important for me to be in The White House. I know my mom and I are babying Donna, but miscarriages are tough and she deserved to be able to recover with support. Her emotions are still a little all over the place and so I figured today would be a good day for me to spend some time working and with her. We had been able to keep it out of the press and Lou helped us shape a statement explaining that the wedding was being postponed while Donna recovered from a routine procedure. Nothing more and nothing less was given and when asked, Lou was ready. "While we don't comment on the medical records of most White House employees, we assure you Miss Moss is going to make a full recovery and in excellent health. Mr. Lyman and Miss Moss are looking forward to celebrating their marriage with those closest to them."
I found myself reading the statement repeatedly, hoping it remained true. I felt like it was important for me to be home with her today, because I need to show it to myself that I can do both. I can be an extremely busy Chief of Staff to POTUS and a loving partner. One day, an attentive and really good father. My appointments with Stanley are going well and I think we are making a lot of progress. I've come to figure out that I am really afraid of letting Donna down or worse, losing her. I'm self sabotaging as a way to almost save her from witnessing any of my failures as my partner. Having her work directly under me and being the person I come home to are two very different things at the end of the day. I had let her down before, put her life at risk and nearly lost her in more than once. As I hear the sound of the blow dryer fill the apartment, I kind of laugh to myself. Josh during the Bartlet administration would have never expected the sound of a hair dryer and beauty tools all over the bathroom to be his normal. Believe it or not, I don't hate it either. Despite yelling at her one day about all the stuff she has and brought into the apartment, I love her stuff. I actually like the soft blankets and the shampoo she stocks our bathroom with. Heck, one time she pinned me down and put a face mask on me and my skin felt glorious for days. I told Stanley, Donna is all things good and I know I don't want to lose her. So I don't know why I tried to break up with her. He thinks it has something to do with protecting her from the bad things that can happen in life. Maybe he's right.
I finish off an email to Otto and then decide that I am going to go check on Donna. The blow dryer is off now and I miss her. I slowly push the door to the bedroom open and can hear her rummaging around in the bathroom. When I walk into the doorway, Donna is there, completely nude as she lather's lotion on her body. Here is the thing about Donna that I learned as soon as we started having sex and even more so when we moved in together. This woman loves to be naked and it's quite the lucky coincidence that I happen to love her naked. I don't know why this tidbit about her surprises me. She has always had an amazing body and she should like being naked. I guess I was just surprised when she walked out of the bathroom in our hotel in Hawaii and just hung out with me completely naked, letting my hands roam all over her. I clear my throat for her to see me and she looks at me through the mirror and smiles. "I don't need a babysitter."
"I definitely don't feel like a babysitter." I smile, walking up behind her. I know getting too close lately is a bit of a risk. Sometimes she lets me near her and other times she puts up a bit of a wall, but I sure as hell am going to try to touch her right now. "My mom won't be back until this evening and I was thinking I could order us a pizza or something later."
"Pizza is fine." She agrees, putting some salve on her lips. I put my hands on her waist, resting my head on her shoulder. "I need to put some sweats on."
"Why? My mom won't be back until later." I answer, pressing a soft kiss to her shoulder.
"I just feel like I should." She sighs, leaning into me and I let out a soft moan as I move a hand to her lower back.
"How are you feeling?" I ask, smelling her hair.
"Good." She answers quickly, turning around and facing me with her hands on the bathroom counter behind her.
"Donna…" I look at her, letting her know I want her to be honest.
"I'm sad, Josh." She shrugs, looking away for just a second then right back to me. "I'm really sad and I think I might be for a while."
"Donna, the doctors said that was normal." I remind her, wrapping my arms around her. It's been only a week since that night in the hospital and Donna is improving, but I can tell when she's struggling. We've had our moments, but we're getting through it. I lean over, pressing a kiss to her abdomen where the baby once resided. I honestly don't know why I've been doing it. Maybe it's my way of trying to thank Donna's body for trying or maybe it's because I feel like it's the one way I can show love to this life we lost. I note to myself to bring it up to Stanley, but Donna just always plays with my hair, letting me do it.
"I feel like I haven't checked in on you enough." She breathes, pressing a kiss to the top of my head. I don't deserve her. I really don't. "Sad?"
"Very." I sigh, straightening up. When I look into her blue eyes, I can't help but smile and take her hand. "Come on…"
"What?" She eyes me suspiciously as I lead her out of the bathroom and to our bed.
"You're naked." I grin, arching my eyebrow.
"Josh, we're not…you aren't getting lucky and I'm not even able to have sex with you even if I wanted to." She protests as I sit on the bed, bringing her down to my lap. "I'm serious…"
"I realize that we're in a bit of a tough season, but I know you would still want to have sex with me." I say proudly, my fingers grazing the creamy white skin of her thigh.
"You're rather cocky today." She giggles as I push her hair out of the way, then trailing my teeth along the soft skin of her ear. "Josh…"
"Please don't ever wear clothes again." My hands roam down her body, before I press my lips against her lips. I know I caused a lot of this mess, but I can't hide how attracted I am to her. I'm an idiot. "You're so fucking perfect."
"Am I? You didn't seem to think so a couple of weeks ago." She said dramatically, her hand moving to my cheek. "Didn't you say I wasn't operating on the same wavelength…"
"Clearly I need my brain checked. " As she kisses me softly, teasing me as she dips her tongue lightly in my mouth. "Mmm…babe you're going to have to be careful if we can't actually go through with anything today."
"And didn't you say that the coasters and throw pillows and bedding was all too feminine…despite the fact that I asked you what you thought about each one before we went to the register to pay for them?" She whispers, before moving her lips down to my neck and her fingers pull lightly at my hair. "You said you felt like a prisoner in your own home?"
"I was cranky." I breathe defensively, pushing her back into the bed as she lets out a giggle. I climb on top of her, but she quickly pushes me away and sits up. "Donna…."
"I was trying to think to myself and I said, 'Donna, you're moving right back in with a man who said he wanted to break up and then you agreed, but now you're back and you can't just resume normal life…" She began.
"Can't we?" I question stupidly.
"Ohhh nooo sir." She waves her finger, running her hand along my jeans. She's intentionally being touchy, trying to get me frazzled. I hate to be frazzled. "We're going back to basics."
"Basics?" I ask nervously.
"You and my seventh grade boyfriend Matt Humphrey are going to have a lot in common." She announces, standing up from the bed.
"May I ask why?" He watches as she walks to the door, taking her green silk robe down from the hook.
"Matt Humphrey only made out with me and touched my boobs…over my shirt." She replies, grabbing her breasts before sliding the robe on over them.
"I've been demoted." I whine, sitting up on the bed as she steps in front of me. I try to pull on the tie of her robe, but she swats my hands away. "You're an evil woman."
"You gotta get to know me." She says, resting her hands on my shoulder. "I think we need to step back and really go back to the beginning."
"Okay, you do realize we kissed once and fucked the following time, right?" I smirk, placing my hands on her hips.
"I'm well aware." She grins, toying with a piece of my hair. "But I need to hold my ground until I know things are better. For me, for you and…I just think it's a good idea."
I look at her stomach and I know what's running through her mind and the boyish humor falls away. I debate whether I want to bring it up, because how unstable she feels the relationship is, but I need her to know what's on my mind. I need her to know that I am still in this. "Donna."
"Yeah?" She asks, combing my hair back with her fingers.
"Are you…do you know if and when we might want to try again? Or when we can try again…I don't…have you thought about it?" I feel my eyes burn a little and I'm surprised by it.
"Josh…" She whispers, pushing her hair from her face. "I don't…I just don't think it would be a good idea for us to commit to trying again until we know that this is what you want and that you and I are more stable."
"Donna, I know I gave you reason to doubt at all, but one thing has never been more clear to me." I say, moving my hands up to her face as I stand up. "I want to be with you and I want a family with you. Not just one baby. At least two."
"Josh, we can't right now."She says softly as I stroke her cheek. Her eyes lose the sparkle she had seconds ago and they're getting red. "Even if you and I were completely okay…I can't discuss it right now. Maybe in a couple months or after the wedding but right now I can't."
I don't say anything, I just press a kiss to Donna's forehead as she takes a deep breath and speaks again. This time a little shakier as she drops her hands. "Josh, I don't know how to explain it. "Maybe I'm having an easier time with you, because this is so much harder, but I don't know how to recover from this. The only thing I know to do next is go back to work and hope that I won't be scared to try again when we're actually ready. The only reason I think this happened is because maybe we weren't ready to be parents."
"Donna…" I whisper, surprised that it feels like a straight punch to the gut. I can live with her being mad at me and needing time, but the idea that she still feels like this was some sort of sign about our ability to become parents or our relationship bothers me. Like maybe some higher power decided we weren't worthy or maybe she had done something wrong. I wrap her arms around her, pressing a kiss to her head. "We can take all the time we need."
"I still want kids, but I just want us to be better. More solid." She breathes, letting out a labored sigh.
"You lead the way and I'll follow." I tell her, moving my hands to her face and kissing her again, this time just sweetly with no attempt to deepen it. I rest my forehead against hers and she smiles weakly. "Donna?"
"Yes?"
"You'll still walk around naked right?" I quiz with a grin on my face, pushing her back into the bed again.
"You're hopeless, Joshua Lyman!" She screams. I move to lay down next to her, but pull the blankets over us. I know she's aiming to go back to work next week and I want her to rest up before she does. "When I do it will be solely for the purpose of tempting you."
"Did that idiot Matt Humphrey ever see your boobs?" I pout and quiz her as I press a kiss to her collar bone.
"No, but I did let him motorboat my cleavage through my sports bra behind the gym." She grins proudly as I roll my eyes.
"What a loser." I chuckle, moving my hand along her stomach and playfully biting at her neck. I'm relieved to see the threat of tears is gone from her eyes and her grin is the most Donna-like face I have seen since before I had gone to Europe. She's beautiful and everything I could have asked for in a woman. I press my lips to hers and think constantly about how I wish my father had gotten to really meet her and get to know her. They spoke once or twice in passing on the phone, but nothing more. Then, my mother had met her a few times before we made it to the White House. It was then that my mom turned to me after she walked away and said she was the one. I told her we were just friends and rolled my eyes. Swearing that my mom was crazy every time she showed Donna baby photos or gave her things that seemed a little more serious than someone would give your son's assistant. My mom was right and the universe knew. Donna was it. I wish I could take back everything, because I can't begin to explain how wrong I was when I said the horrible things I said. I wish she could take things back too, even though her words don't actually weigh on my mind anymore. Only her good ones do. I just wish she could take them back, just because I know she only said them out of the pain I caused. I'm vowing to myself at this moment, I will never let Donna feel the way I made her feel again. She'll wake up every day knowing just what she means to me.