beast boy's perspective

"I'm so... tired." I ran my gloved fingers through my emerald hair, sitting on my bed.

The team and I recently finished a battle against Killer Moth and Kitten. I retreated to my room immediately after we came back home. I felt tired to the bone, and nothing I could do would fix that.

A faint knock fell on my door, "Beastboy, you in there?"

"What's up?"

"Mind if we talk for a bit?"

"Not at all."

Raven teleported through my door and gazed at me blankly.

"Well, watchya waitin' for? Take a seat." I pat a spot next to me.

On her way to the bed, Raven tripped over an object on the floor.

"Woah, easy." I braced her up with my hand, then she sat on my bed as if nothing happened.

I stated, "Sorry, in here isn't walking-friendly."

"No, it's fine. I'm a bit clumsy, anyway." Raven giggled, lowering her hood.

"What you wanna to talk about?" I raised my eyebrows a bit to hide my somber expression.

"You."

Without a reply, I traced my eyes away from hers.

Raven's monotone rolled gently, "I know it hurts, but I want to help you. I had a horrible past myself, and I entirely despise the idea of discussing that or my emotions, so I totally understand. I promise, I won't judge you or anything."

"I don't need help." I huffed defiantly.

"Beastboy, please. Remember what we said? I can only help you if you let me."

My face hardened as my lip threatened to shake. I tried to mentally sift through my feelings, but all my mind managed was to do was tangle itself into a web.

"Their... anniversary." I mustered thoughtlessly.

"Whose?"

"My parents'. Their death anniversary was a couple of months ago. They've been gone for ten years. Ten, Raven," I paused, recollecting my composure.

"Ten whole years. I thought I was done with it. I thought I was done with the pain. Everything crashed down on me, like I was fresh out of that hell hole. Then, I don't know. Since that day I've been feeling terrible, if that's even the word. I didn't even recognize that I stopped eating until Robin brought it to my attention... and waking up late, too. Cyborg was tellin' me how I wasn't acting like myself, Starfire made Pudding of Sadness 2.0..."

"Pudding of Sadness 2.0?" Raven's voice lightened up a bit.

"Yeah, it was nice of her," I smiled dimly, "Star said she realized I'd been under the weather. So, she made some Tamaranean dish to make me feel better, but I didn't take it."

Raven frowned in disappointment.

"I know, Star was being so considerate and I shut her down."

"You weren't yourself."

"Mhm. Then, it went from not eating, to not taking care of myself, to losing interest in everything, constant mood swings, missing combat, wanting to skip missions, all that yucky stuff."

Her amethyst pupils sulked, "I'm so sorry."

"Don't be, none of this is your fault. But yeah, to put it short, I've been feelin' blue since their death anniversary."

"Makes sense."

"So... what did you see?" I kept my gaze away from hers.

"The first thing I saw, was you with your father. You were showing him a pair of binoculars you found, but he was busy working. You tried to get his attention, and he wasn't paying you any mind. Then, he told you to go away, so you did. You wandered off to a bookshelf and broke a bottle with stuff in it. Your father yelled at you and then—"

"He threw me into my room and told me not to come out unless it's for food, how could I forget?"

Raven was silent.

"Dude, I don't even hate that man, I have no feelings towards him. He treated Mom and I like trash. All he cared about was some damn experiments. I was born in an African forest, Upper Lamumba. My parents were scientists, and they wanted to bring back extinct creatures. My father was obsessed with turning back the clock of revolution. I'm talking Robin to Slade obsessed." I elbowed her playfully, then she chuckled.

"The man would skip meals and lose sleep over this thing. He pushed Mom and I out all the time, because he thought we were distractions. He took all of his frustrations out on me, and after a while I turned into a recluse."

"Really?"

"Really. He was like a stranger living in my home... I never got to know him personally. He was just a science-consumed man that put experiments before his family."

"I'm sorry. I know you said not to be, but I don't know how else to feel or what else to say."

"It's fine, I would do the same thing if I were in your shoes. What else did you find out?"

"The boat accident."

I got up quietly, walking over to my disorganized pile of origami.

Returning to my seat, I held a paper boat and bird for Raven to see.

"Do you know what these are? And don't say Post-It's." I narrowed my eyes.

Raven shook her head with a faint smile, "Those are origami, I see you make them all the time."

"Oooh, so you've been taking notes, I see." I made my eyebrows dance in a whimsical manner.

"And I'll be taking you out in a second." Raven's eyes glowed bright white.

"Okay, okay, sorry. I make a lot of birds and boats, because..."

Blood suddenly raced to my cheeks. The blood was so hot, I was sure it would boil through my skin. The origami shook in my hands while my heart began to sting. Water fell from my eyes, onto the paper.

"You got it," Raven reassured kindly, "I'm right here."

"The boats..."

"The boats represent the fact that they died in a boat. It was raining season in Africa, and the flooding washed out our campus. My parents and I threw anything we could in the boat, and made a run for it. We didn't last long, being that the boat neared the edge of the cliff. That's where all of these birdies come in. My father— told me, it was the bitter end for him and Mom. He said the only chance I had of surviving, was if I turned into turn into a bird and flied. I begged th-them so hard, my voice was hoarse. I cried, I screamed, but nothing would change," I sniffled.

"I wanted a to live a life with them, or die a death with them, no in between. God, I was so stupid. At that time, I had no freakin' idea how to change into a whale, or something that would have saved the boat. Just a two-winged, feathered animal with a beak. It upsets me everyday, Raven. I think, had things been different, if I was more powerful... that they would still be here."

"Beastboy, you can't blame yourself. Things happen, and even if we could have prevented them, it would be how it was meant to be. I know how it feels to want to press the rewind button and arrange your past into something better, but we can't. We can only move forward and change the future." the empath advised.

"How can I change the future, when the past ruins today?" I furiously crumbled one of the papers in my fist.

"You don't."

I glanced at Raven, addled.

"You allow everything to hurt. You wrestle with the pain as long as you need to, let it tear you up inside. You let the storm come, and just like anything that comes, it goes. After you've endured that, you move on. You cry, you scream, you do anything you have to, but you can't stop moving forward. If you can't take it day by day, you take it hour by hour. If you can't take that, take it by minutes, even seconds," she took a short pause.

"You will find yourself still pushing despite it all, and you'll find your flicker of hope. Actually, you've got that flicker of hope. Right here." Raven touched the left side of my chest, where my mother touched all those years ago.

Her touch was welcoming and warm, almost like she held a serving of sunshine in her hand.

In that moment, I was split between my past and present. It was almost as if I were back on that heart-rending day: with the wind harshly whipping my face, the cold rain saturating my clothes, the boat struggling to keep balance, and witnessing my parents' death.

My exhausted heart bounced against Raven's palm. The feeling was similar to walking into a cozy home after being frostbitten. Or maybe, finally having an umbrella overhead after standing in the rain.

She removed her hand shyly, "Listen, you're going to be okay."

I bent over, my elbows positioned on my legs, and my hands tousled in my hair.

I laughed, tears brimming in my eyes, "I'm going to be okay? What does "okay" even mean? Is it this word we spit out because what we're dealing with is jus' too heavy to explain? It's gotta—it's gotta be some stupid condition that everyone has, where they can't be honest with anyone, or themselves," I cried with a smile printed on my face, "I'm going to be... okay. I'm not even okay right now. Nothing is okay. I was never okay!"

I felt Raven's apprehensive, purple stare fix on me.

I panted heavily, still crying out of oppression, and laughing at how impossible "being okay" seemed.

My pain was hilarious, I suffered so much from it, yet manage to sugarcoat it everyday.

Following another minute or so of calming down, something registered to me.

"Feeling all of these emotions is scary, and going through them is awful. Maybe, that's why I spent all this time trying to avoid them. But you're... you're helping me. You're listening to me, you're giving me advice. Even when I freak out like this and you have nothing to say, just having you here with me... it helps." I confessed to Raven, with a tremble in my voice.

I leaned on her shoulder.

My eyes were swollen from crying, my lips were dry, my skin was hot in the heat of unbearable emotions, and my heart wearily pumped blood throughout my body.

I uttered weakly, "Thank you, Raven."

"No problem. You may not be okay, but we will be. As long as we get there together." her head softly pressed on top of mine.