I thought being back at work would make everything feel normal again, but everything feels different. I just feel like everyone is existing around me and I can't get my head above water. It reminds me a lot of when I came back from Gaza and that is triggering alone. The crying, getting upset for no reason and asking 'why' constantly. I find myself still wondering why I survived getting blown up when everyone else died. The First Lady, Justine and Annabeth are all being amazing, but I feel like they're trying to be so gentle. Like everyone knows that my world has been flipped upside down the last few weeks and now I don't know which way is up and they can't help me find it. And Josh. Oh Joshua. Things with us are much trickier in my mind. The problem is that I love him and I think I love him so much that I don't know if I am thinking clearly. I came home. It was the right thing to do. Mostly, because some inner voice of mine told me that if he and I didn't handle the miscarriage together, that I was closing the door to us myself. That if I shut him out, I would resent him for not being there. We may never be able to go back if I was handling this elsewhere. So he holds my hand when I cry, rubs my back and we fall asleep together. We also kiss a lot. More than a broken up couple should. At night after his mom goes to sleep in the spare room and he joins me in bed, we kiss for a long time. Sometimes he just holds me while I bawl my eyes out. Except, being the one who asked for the breakup, he seems to be really trying to act like we're together. He had already started backtracking before we lost the baby. Showing signs he thought we needed space, but that he loved me. Then his hands were trying to wander when I was tying his bowtie and he could see that something was bothering me. I wasn't feeling well. All day I had actually been feeling a little off but I just brushed it off. Then it happened. Something happened that changed everything for Josh and I. He needed me. I needed him. So I went home and now, I'm just confused. We're flirting and touching and kissing, because that's us. But is it anymore? He broke up with me. He's working hard on trying to get to the root of why he felt like he needed to end us, but I don't know what that means for me. For us. And I don't really have the emotional capacity at the moment to know. I don't want to need him, but I do. I don't want to feel as safe with him right now, but I do.
I'm examining some notes that are to go to the press office as soon as the door to The First Lady's office opens and Helen walks out in an all coral skirt suit. "Donna, if you see any additional notes come in from the ACLU event, will you hold them for tomorrow? I want to sit down together tomorrow and we can address which issues I'll cover."
"Of course, Helen." I smile, reaching for my planner to add a note. I still fight the urge to call her M'am or anything else official, but she quite literally gets mad about it. Helen is all she wants to hear from me. "We'll also need to go over the notes for the holiday decor so we can get them to the designer."
"Yes, I actually enjoy that." She smiles, before looking around. I watch as she looks around, examining the shelves by my desk, swinging her arms. Then she does what she always does when she just wants to sit and talk and takes a seat at my desk. "I saw that Josh came by earlier."
"He's been here three times today." I breathe, shifting through the papers on my desk. "I would think your husband would be very concerned."
"He's just worried about you." She chuckles, reaching for a stack of papers on my desk.
"So worried that he brought me snacks from the Mess." I tease as she shuffles through the papers and I lift a paper bag from the shelf behind me. "I think he's trying to fatten me up."
"Well you have lost weight you didn't need to lose." She replies, examining one of the papers. I look down at my body for a split second, because maybe I have. She flips it to the back, before inquiring. "The Women for Equal Pay want me to release how much I paid for the shoes I wore at the Kennedy Center?"
"Yeah, we're going to ignore it." I say, urging her to give me the paper back. "They really just want you to go on the record saying you want Del Com to compensate parents for childcare. We'll address equal pay when we can do it without attaching ourselves to one company."
"Alright." She nods, leaning back in the chair. "So how are things with Josh at home?"
"Really?" I smirk at her, shaking my head. "You really aren't interested in work?"
"Later." She shrugs, tossing the papers back on my desk. "I need to catch up with Donna Moss first. So first things first. How is it going at home with Josh? Is he behaving?"
"Things are…fine I guess." I say and Helen arches her eyebrow. I take a deep breath, dropping my shoulders. "I don't know. I mean, he is being amazing. I think this miscarriage really impacted him, but I…maybe I'm being ridiculous."
"Tell me." She demands softly before a questionable smile forms on her lips. "I'll tell you if you're being ridiculous."
"Okay." I breathe, clasping my hands together on my desk. "You know I love Josh, right?"
"Yeah, I had an idea." Helen nods, clearing her throat. "I had a pretty good idea the first time I ever saw you two together but the time you guys had sex in the guest room last Labor Day weekend at the house in San Antonio really sealed the deal for me."
"What?" I gasp, feeling the color drain from my face. I told Josh we couldn't do anything in the Santos home, because it felt wrong and also we would most definitely be found out, but Josh swore it wasn't a big deal. "No we didn't…"
"Donna, you were so loud." Helen giggled, leaning forward. "I was rooting for you."
"Now this is weird." I shake my head, trying to get the embarrassment out of my head.
"Okay go on…" Helen waves and I remind myself to die of embarrassment later.
"That night in the hospital I tried to push him away. I tried to end it for good and then he wouldn't let me. He fought for me. We lost our baby and he fought for us. " I explain, shaking my head a little before I continue. "I know it sounds...it's not…he was that child's father. I don't want anyone else to be the father of my kids. But…"
"But what?" Helen frowns.
"I just..I don't want anyone else." I add, putting a hand out. "I love him and in relation to us losing the baby…he did everything right. I'm having a lot of trouble separating the man that has been helping me during the loss of our child to the man that I fought with just a couple of weeks before."
"But he dumped you." Helen nods.
"How do I know he's not just going to come home and start the same fight?" I finally say. "I'm worried that I'll just focus on him showing up, that I'll just be back where I started.
"I think that's a fair concern." Helen shifts, sitting her hands in her lap. "You're worried that you're going to overlook what actually happened leading up to the loss, because he did the right thing when you really needed him."
"Does that sound bad?" I quiz, pushing my hair behind my ears.
"No." Helen answers quickly. "But I think he needs to tell you the truth."
"Truth?" I frown, because Helen seems quite confident in answer. Like she knows what could help me right now. To be honest, she usually gives the right advice.
"You need him to come clean about what happened leading up to the fight." Helen answers and shrugs her shoulders. "You need to tell him you need to know why it happened. What put him in the position to say those things to you? Why did he feel like breaking up was the only solution? If it was cold feet, he needs to be honest. Perhaps, get a pair of socks. If something is bothering him, he needs to share. You need to know what he needs to work through."
"I need to know what he needs to work through." I repeat, nodding as I repeat it back to myself. I feel like this could be a gray area if he's upset about work. "But if it's White House business."
"You have every right to know what made him so upset. Matt tells me everything and when he can't tell me, he does his best to explain what is bothering him with the info he can give me. Josh owes you that same respect if he's going to bring home his anger." Helen adds and stands up from the chair. "Matt has days where he loses it with me, but we talk through it and move on. Josh used to have you with him all day where you anticipated his every need and knew what was bothering him. He usually assumes you already know. He needs to realize it's not like that anymore."
"We haven't had that boss to assistant dynamic for a few years." I insist as I try to think about how great things normally are with Josh. I understand. Maybe I understand too much. Or maybe Josh deep down really isn't happy and he can't tell me why and he's just angry. "Maybe it wasn't one thing that happened. Maybe I did something and he…"
"Donna, maybe he takes for granted how much of his job you understand and maybe he doesn't." Helen insists, her hands on the back of the gray tufted chair. "And maybe it was just one fight. I can see your brain working and you're confused. Like you said. Something happened and it was terrible and then something even worse happened and now you're torn. You can't make educated decisions about him until you know the facts. He wouldn't help my husband send men into unknown territory without the available facts. He owes you answers."
"He does." I agree, nodding as Helen and I stare at each other for a moment. "And that's hoping that when I have them, they make it easier to understand."
"Yeah, pretty much." Helen shrugs, before her eyes narrow and she looks at me curiously. I look behind me to see if there is something she sees that I don't. "It may also help if you guys…have a staff meeting."
"A staff meeting?" I frown, reaching for the stack of papers that Helen was looking at before as I prepare to return to work when she leaves.
"A staff meeting, do your taxes, tell him you need him to replace a light bulb." Helen lists. I give her a look, letting her know that I don't quite know what she's saying. "Sex, Donna. He owes you information, but you should still be able to get yours."
"Helen!" I gasp, looking around.
"Oh Come on." Helen laughs, waving me off. "A few weeks ago I would have told you not to, but now I think you should. You're living together and he can owe you in other ways too. Besides, you're supposed to have relationship in limbo sex. It's like a right of passage."
"We technically did that already." I answer and Helen's jaw drops. "If you must know, a few days after we broke up. We were sad and I had gone to the apartment and it wasn't our normal…it just wasn't us. It was cold and sad and I didn't recognize us. I just did it."
"Noo…" Helen shakes her head and runs a finger over her brow. "Sad breakup sex isn't the same as uncertain sex. Trust me. What you had was that last push before the juice runs out. Relationship limbo sex is like…full of all the tension. You should have trouble walking after."
"Thanks for the tip, boss." I roll my eyes. Helen is actually brutally hilarious and quite charming. She has a wicked sense of humor and I think she likes sneaking in 'friend' time to make her life feel a little more normal in this crazy world of hers. As she sways in my office, examining an old picture of Nancy Reagan there is a knock on my door.
"Hey." Josh pokes his hand in, before noticing the First Lady. "Justine said you weren't with anyone. I can check back later."
"Oh, I wasn't here on business. Just popped my head in for a moment." Helen swings around, before backing up towards her office as she runs a hand over her jacket. "I'll leave you two here. I believe Donna left me a list of letters I need to write."
"I did, but let me know if you need anything." I offer as Josh walks across the office and stands in front of my desk.
"I will." Helen nods, walking to her office door with her hand on the bronze handle. "And Josh?"
"Yes?" He looks over at the First Lady.
"Behave." Helen winks and nods before he can answer, closing the door behind her. Josh stands there for a minute, sorting out what to do next, before he crosses his arms. I hate to say, but when he looks dumbfounded and awkward, is when I tend to be at my peak attraction to him.
"Can I help you, Joshua?" I ask, putting my elbow on the desk and resting my head in my hand. "Did you bring me more food?"
"No, but if you want me to grab you something…" He begins, gesturing to the door. "I heard they have potato soup down there."
"Josh." I let out a deep sigh, dropping my head. I remind myself that he's trying. He wants to take care of me and I do like it. I love that he wants to take care of me, but I also need to tell him I need a little more. Helen is right. I left my head again, smiling softly. "I have a million snacks, but thank you. You're very sweet."
"Helen seemed…" Josh gestures to Helen's office door and then back at me.
"Ornery." I finish with a grin. "In rare form looking for her Sex and The City moment?"
"Definitely." He chuckles, walking around to my side of the desk, moving his hands to my shoulders. "I think our Human Resources department would frown against this, but I know the head guy of the company."
"Yeah, it turns out the head guy and his wife are fully aware of us." I spin my chair around, forcing his hands to drop from my shoulders. "Remember last Labor Day weekend when we went to San Antonio?"
"Yeah, what about it?" Josh asks as I stand up and sit on the edge of my hard wood desk. "Don't tell me it has you thinking we should move to a red state after the administration ends. I can maybe handle a swing state."
"No." I roll my eyes, firmly, placing my hand firmly on his forearm. "This is serious. Focus."
"Okay." Josh raises his hands up in surrender. "Go for it."
"When we stayed at their house they…" I look around to make sure I didn't miss anyone else walking into the room. "They heard us."
"Heard us?" He frowns and I gesture, trying to encourage him to think about it. I widen my eyes as I nod and finally a light bulb goes off. "Oh they heard us."
"Yes." I nod, feeling my face turn red. "They heard us having sex."
"No, they didn't hear us. They heard you." He clarifies confidently as I throw my arms up in the air. Of course he's going to say he's practically a choir boy in this scenario. "If I recall you had been overserved by Helen with her famous homemade margaritas. You started to strip down before I even got you in the guest room." I am pretty sure they saw you start to untie your dress."
"It's embarrassing!" I whisper as loudly as I can. "Josh…"
"Not for me." Josh smirks. "Tequila makes you extremely horny."
"Not for you?" I question, tilting my head. "Explain yourself."
"Well you were screaming my name, so in my book that was a bit of a win." Josh laughs, before pushing my hair behind my ears. "Donna, it's not a big deal. She was all over the President and you eventually couldn't keep your hands off me. Honestly, we need to get the recipe from her, because I think that would be great the next time we're snowed in somewhere."
"Josh." I groan, stomping my foot. "Don't you think it's weird that our bosses have heard us…having a staff meeting?"
"Staff meeting?"Josh furrows his brow.
"It's code for sex." I say quickly. "Another way to say it."
"Usually you just ask if I want to take a walk if you're trying to be discreet." He frowns, before lowering his face in front of mine. "Or sometimes you just tell me to fuck you."
"Josh!" I groan through my teeth, slapping his arm. "We are in the White House."
"Yeah and there are a number of times I thought about doing it here." Josh teases, moving his hand to my side.
"In my office?" I gasp as his hand squeezes my side slightly.
"No, in mine." He whispers, pushing my hair back. "Especially when you were my assistant. Not because you were my assistant, but because I just wanted you so bad and the way your ass looked when you would walk out of my office. I wanted to bend you over my desk."
"You're dirty…" I whisper, wrapping my arms around him. "Josh?"
"Yeah…" He breathes, placing his lips at my neck and I just begin repeating that we need to talk. He does this thing sometimes and I normally love it. He goes into a trance and puts all of his attention into initiating things with me. Not right now. I can't right now.
"Josh…" I breathe, tapping his arm and pulling myself back. "We can't."
"I know." He sighs, pressing his head against mine.
"I need something from you and I need it before we can work through anything." I'm surprised at how firmly I say it, almost sounding angry as I pull my body away from his. I don't want to sound harsh, so I take his hands. I need Josh to know I love him, but need something from him to move on. "I need you to listen to me."
"I'm listening." He says, stroking his thumbs over my hands.
"I know I tell you, but I love you. In a really embarrassing and humbling way that sometimes makes me feel a little crazy. It always has." I speak, trying not to let a small smile form on my lips. "It's actually ridiculous, because you're an actual idiot sometimes, but I love you. I love you so much I think sometimes I can't possibly ever be angry with you if I love you so much and then you hurt me."
"Donna…" His eyes turn sad and I look away.
"And then we made a baby." I say quietly, pursing my lips together. I give myself a moment, to make sure I can stay composed. "And we're getting through that loss and I will say it's been really hard on both of us."
"Yeah…" He signs, his own sadness washing over his face as I decide to lift his hand and kiss it softly.
"It's been hard, but I couldn't imagine doing this without you." I murmur, shaking my head. "It's been a literal hell, but I think you and I have done exactly what we're supposed to do to get through it as a couple, but that doesn't fix what happened leading up to it and I need something from you. It's non-negotiable."
"What do you need?" He asks with a labored breath, stepping back to lean against the wall.
"I need to know exactly what happened between our call the night before you left Europe and when you got to the apartment that night." I respond, straightening up my body. "The issue is that I don't think I can move on until I understand what happened. I need you to tell me everything, because I know I want to spend the rest of my life with you and I want us to try for a baby again, but I won't do any of those things until I understand what happened."
"Donna, I'm trying." He begins. "I want to fix this, but I'm still working on trying to understand. I'm figuring it out, but it's not easy and it's not stuff I want to bother you with."
"It's not a bother when it's our relationship and our future." I insist, moving to stand in front of him. "Josh, had we not miscarried or even if we had still, we probably were about to find out that we were going to be parents and we would have been broken up. What would have happened then?"
"I want to think we would have found our way back." He admits honestly, before rubbing his temples. "Donna, I love you. It's not a question. It's a fact and I will spend the rest of my life making sure you never doubt that."
"I won't doubt it, but I need to know." I persist, looking at him with full honesty. "I want you. All of you and that includes whatever you're struggling with, but you have to let me help. You have to let me in."
"Okay…" He breathes right as his Blackberry goes off. I should have expected it. Someone needing him isn't out of his control, but I won't change my mind about needing to talk.
"You can take time. I'm not asking you to just out and do it." I explain, leaning forward to press a kiss on his cheek. "When you're ready. I'm here."
"I need to get to the Situation Room." He sighs, turning his face so that his lips land on mine. "I don't deserve you."
"No, but you're my other half." I sigh, putting my hands on my back. "Now go save the world."
"I'll try." He smiles weakly, before walking out of the door. "And Donna?"
"Yeah?" I turn to face him as he approaches my office door.
"When the time is right, I want us to try for a baby again too." He smiles weakly, looking down at the handle. "I think you're going to be the best Mom."
"Go to work, Sir." I smile, feeling my eyes begin to water as he exits my office and closes the door. I love Joshua Lyman with all of my being and for the first time, I think he truly understands that I need answers. I refuse to push him into giving them before he's ready. I will respect that he needs to come to me when the time is right and he will. I truly believe he will. I also truly believe that I can begin to let myself become an active participant in our relationship again. Baby steps, but we'll get there. I also want to make him a father one day, because I now believe he's actually going to be amazing at it. He's one of the most caring, loving and sensitive men I know. He can be a lot of things, but one thing Joshua Lyman has always done is love intensely. He's loved me intensely for years, even just being my boss and friend. As a recipient of this love and seeing his heart work overdrive during my injury in Gaza or the miscarriage, I have no doubts that this man will love a child that is both perfectly me and him. I just need a little more. Soon. Then everything else might just fall into place.