I should be much more tired than I am. I haven't been home in over twenty-four hours, but my mom is leaving to go back home to Florida in a few days so Donna and I wanted to make sure I was home tonight to see her. Donna got home a few hours ago as The First Lady is in Canada with The President and she decided to go home a little early today. She's been working hard, but also making sure to be home to see my Mom as I deal with major world issues. The truth is, I love how close Donna is with my mother. The past few weeks, I've enjoyed coming home to them cooking together or my mother taking care of Donna. I've seen them play cards together, watch movies together and even cry together. Donna is really close with her own mother, but I have to admit it feels good knowing my Mom was able to help Donna during this trying time. Her mother called daily and came out for a day, but had to get back for a family wedding. A wedding we were originally going to attend, but given everything that has transpired, we decided it was best to stay in Washington.

Getting into our apartment, I stop to let my secret service check my mail and do their tour inside before I go in. Today it takes a bit longer as it does whenever my mother is in town, because she always asks them how their day is and tries to give them food. I think they like her way more than me. "Ladies…I'm home!"

"Keep your voice down." My mother comes around the corner, waving a book with her reading glasses on. "Donna's been sleeping for almost two hours."

"Really?" I frown, sitting my things by the door and giving my mom a big hug. "Is she okay?"

"Oh, she's fine." My mother waves as I follow her to the kitchen. "She came home and was hungry so I made her a little cheese plate. We talked for a while and then I thought she looked tired so I urged her to go rest."

"And she's okay?" I ask again, looking towards the bedroom door.

"Josh, yes." My mother rolls her eyes. "She's had it a bit rough lately and the toll a miscarriage takes mentally and physically is exhausting. I told her to try to sleep. She said she was just going to lay down and read, but I popped my head and shortly after and she's asleep. She looks like a princess when she sleeps, by the way."

"She really does." I smile weakly, looking at the pans on all four burners. "What are you making?"

"I have a roast and mashed potatoes on." She pointed, before lifting a lid off of a stock pot. "I also am making some soups to freeze. I also made some cookies. I need to be sure Donna is still eating when I leave."

"And here I thought it was for me." I chuckled as she hit my arm. "Thank you, Mom."

"It is my pleasure." She beams, kissing my cheek. "But now I need you to go do something."

"Anything." I answer, walking to the refrigerator to grab a cold beer.

"Go see Donna and when she wakes up, tell her why your fight happened." My mother pleads as I open the beer and stop as she speaks. "It's consuming her, Josh. As it should. I need this fixed before I leave, because I need to know that you're both okay. I know you met with Stanley again a couple of days ago and you're making progress, because she sees it in you. But please. Tell her what happened."

"Mom…" I sign, placing a hand on the wall.

"Josh…dinner won't be ready for a while." She gestures to my bedroom where Donna is sleeping on the other side of the door. "Give that poor girl some answers."

"Give her answers." I mutter, dropping my shoulders. I take a sip of the beer and sit it on the counter. "Don't steal my beer."

"Go." She laughs, turning back to the stove.

I roll my eyes before heading to the bedroom. I gently turn the doorknob to prevent any creaking as I push it open and see Donna laying her back with a book on her stomach. She must be tired if she fell asleep with a book on her back. She normally looks like a Disney Princess as she curls up on her side. I take the book, frowning when I see the cover. I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief Healing and Recovery. I sit the book on the nightstand and think for a moment how Donna might feel this differently than me. She may not have known until it was too late, but there was something special inside of her and then it was just gone. I imagine that is why she keeps saying she feels so empty. I can't imagine what that emptiness feels like, but I equate it best to those feelings of when I nearly lost her in Gaza.

I try as carefully as I can to climb onto the bed without waking her. She stirs a little but I move my head to her neck, pressing a little kiss below her ear. I can't help but smile as I realize she's completely out and the kiss does nothing. "Babe…I'm home."

Not a thing. I'm smiling, because there are moments where I just realize how stupid in love with this woman I am. It makes me question how I could let anyone get into my head the way they did. How could I ever take this for granted again. I begin running my hand along her side, pressing my lips at her neck again, this time nipping a little more intensely. This time, Donna turns to her side, instinctively nuzzling into my side. "Hmmph."

"Donna." I chuckle, running my hand along her body, stopping at her ass as I place a light squeeze on her ass. "Wake up."

"What time is it?" She mumbles, moving her hand to my side.

"It is…" I look at my watch as I place a kiss to the top of her head. "Almost six."

"Hmm…" She mutters and I run my hands into her hair as I kiss her head again. "Tired."

"I can see that." I smile, sliding my hand to her ass again. "Wake up, I want to talk and then maybe touch your ass some more."

"Josh…" She groans, turning her face into the pillows. I remember Donna's mom saying every now and then Donna would be hard to wake up for school during the winter and this is a bit of what I imagine it was like. I just decide it's time to bring in the big guns, this time sliding my hand below her sweats, massaging her ass I move her hair away from her neck.

"Donna." I breathe, sucking on her neck until I hear a moan escape her lips. There it is. I smile, pushing her shoulder to urge her onto her back.

"Josh, I want to sleep some more." She groans, kicking her legs dramatically. She finally opens her eyes and I start laughing, because she gives me a death glare. "Not funny. I'm sleepy."

"Yes and tomorrow you'll be mad at me, because you were up all night because you couldn't sleep." I counter, leaning over and kissing her lips. This time, she's more awake and deepens the kiss as she grasps her hands in my hair. I move my body closer, moving on top of her as she wraps a leg around my waist. "And if you're sleeping…we can't do this."

"We're not doing this…" She moans, dipping her tongue into my mouth as I slide my hand up the back of her shirt.

"We're not?" I whisper against her lips as she arches her back below me. "It seems like you're trying to do this."

"Horny…" She breathes, turning her head and giving me exposure to her neck. "Like really horny."

"I can take care of that…" I offer as something begins to burn inside of me and I can feel my dick begin to harden. "Can I put my hand in your pants?"

"I…ew." Donna bursts out into a giggle and shakes her head. "Never say that again."

"You know, this is like being fifteen again." I groan, falling into my back. "Getting hard and a girl laughs at me."

"You're the biggest dork." She laughs, moving to rest her head on my chest and intertwine her leg with mine. "Can you put your hand in my pants? You know who else asked me that? Freddie Briggs before her fucked me for the first time."

"Okay, can you please not use the phrasing 'fucked me' and another man again, even if it's that wuss Freddie?" I whine, grazing my fingers along her back. "And you said I was back to basics so I just thought I would ask."

"Fair." Donna sighs and lets out a deep sigh. "And you are back to basics so there won't be any sexual pleasure until we resolve our issues. I'll be handling myself later."

"What if we talk about what happened? Can I watch you handle yourself later?" I ask, raising my brows.

"I…" She lifts her head and looks at me. "Can we really talk about it?"

"Yeah…it's a lot, but we should talk." I sigh. I don't really want to talk, but I need to. I can't put it off any longer. I need to for me, for her and for us. Donna wipes her eyes and then sits up in the bed, placing a pillow on her lap as I sit up in the bed, clearing my throat. "Are you comfortable?"

"Yes." She nods, clasping her hands together on the pillow. "Tell me why you felt like you had to dump me and yell at me and then make me feel like this wasn't my home to live in."

"Really?" I arch an eyebrow, feeling more nervous than I did.

"Sorry…" She cringes. "I guess I'm still a little sensitive about it."

"To be fair, I don't blame you. Stanley thinks you should be angrier than you are." I add,

"Okay…let's get into it." She leans forward, squeezing my arm. "Josh."

"Yes?" I ask, taking a deep breath and looking down at her hand.

"It doesn't matter what happened." She answers honestly, removing her hand. "I'm just asking you to be honest with me. I'm not going anywhere."

"Okay." I nod, before taking a deep breath. "After the energy negotiations in Paris fell through, I ended up sitting next to Congressman Collins on the flight back. He wanted to catch up and discuss possible legislation on school curriculums."

"Republican from Texas?" She clarifies.

"Yes." I nod, trying to think back to the conversation. "At first it was fine and then we started talking about his life back in Texas and then he told me how he has kids and is going through a divorce. He mentioned how he knows how many marriages are destroyed in this town."

"That's not news." Donna shrugs.

"Then we began talking about you and I." I admit quietly, feeling a tightness in my chest. "Looking back, I think he was trying to get under my skin after some things that happened during the last budget vote."

"What did he say?" She frowned, pushing her hair behind her ears.

"It started about how people talk about the similarities between Leo and I. Our work ethic and the amount of time you probably end up at home alone." I continue, feeling so bothered by the conversation again. "And all I could think about was the number of times you are in fact alone or how many times you have fallen asleep in my office as I work just so you can see me and be near me for a small fraction of your day. There was the realization that you and I were trying for a baby and I can't be the husband you deserve. I can't be the father that our child deserves. As much as I loved Leo, he lost Jenny because the job was more important."

"Josh, we can love Leo and want to handle our relationship differently." She assures me, putting a hand on my arm again. "And I signed up for this. I know what we're getting into and I'm okay with it."

"Donna." I breathe, running a hand through my hair. "I'm honored to be compared to Leo, but when I was having the conversation, I couldn't stop thinking about every single time I have had to let you down."

"And think about all the times you haven't." She whispers, her fingers stroking my arm.

"Then he brought up Gaza." I blurt out and something happens. The color drains from her face. I think it happens from her own PTSD, but also because she understands it is hard for me too. We don't talk about it nearly as much as we should. Not together. I know she's been to therapy, but we just skirt by the subject and it's because I still have a lot of guilt about sending her. It's why I get anxious anytime she's away without me. I would throw myself on a bomb to protect her, yet I sent her away to get attacked. "He said I sent you to Gaza to get blown up and yet you still came back for more."

"Josh." Donna swallows, looking down at her hands.

"You got blown up and came back for more." I repeat, feeling my face stiffen. "Donna, he said it and then we didn't say anything for a while. Then I asked him what he meant, which was dumb and a mistake."

"He said between Leo McGarry and Gaza, you should have learned your lesson." I can feel my voice shake and a part of me wonders if she doesn't understand. If it doesn't sound as bad to her as it did in my mind. Except her face has changed and there is a discomfort there. "Donna, that's when all I could think about was the amount of times you have been alone, because of me. How many times do I wake you up at two in two in the morning to go home for a few hours, only for me to leave you in bed and be back at work three hours later? You nearly died and you still came back to me. Leo lost a lot and ultimately his life. My Dad…Joanie. I couldn't do it to you anymore. I was so angry at myself. "

"Josh." She breathes, her eyes watering. "I…"

"Donna, I wasn't mad at you. I was mad at myself for letting you get so invested. I felt like I had to end it and let you go, because you deserve so much better than this." I feel my own eyes begin to burn. "We were trying for a baby and all I could think of is that you and I were heading onto a collision with a train and I needed you off the tracks."

"Josh…" She says again and then shakes her head when she begins to think. "But why were you so touchy feely with me the night of Yo-Yo Ma and why were you so insistent on us working through it once I had the miscarriage"

"The night of the Yo-Yo Ma…I was missing you." I admit, wiping at my eye. "You looked as good as you always do and I couldn't not touch you. Donna, at that point I knew I had messed up. I just wanted you back, but I knew I had to work on some things."

"That day in your apartment, you didn't fight for me. I wanted you to fight for me and you didn't." She stammers, the hurt burning from her eyes. "You were so content with just letting me go."

"I wasn't content, I was scared." I falter, my hand resting in her lap. "Letting you go felt like the thing that would save you from me and I wanted to snap out of it and take it back. I wanted to tell you I didn't mean it, but I felt like I had set the bridge on fire and you were already on the other side."
"And then that night in the hospital?" She quizzes, her brows furrowing as she stares.

"The baby changed everything." I say confidently, looking down at my hands for a moment as I try to recall everything in my head that night. "Because not only did I already want you back, but I felt like I had experienced loss so many times, but it was the first time that the loss had directly impacted you and I together. I mean, Leo impacted you and so did Mrs. Landingham but this baby was a part of you and I felt this intense need to get you through it."

"I don't understand…" She replies.

"Donna, I didn't want you to feel the same fear I feel every day of wandering if someone I love is going to die." I admit, feeling my voice shake. "I wake up every day, worried that something will happen to you or my mom or CJ or…I don't want you to view the world that way. You give me hope. You're the beauty I see in this world and I would have felt the same way about our baby. I do feel that way about our baby, but the idea that you might ever live in fear was enough for me to push everything I was afraid of to the side."

"Oh." She nods, pushing her hair behind her ears as a few stray tears come down her face. "And you felt like you needed to let me go, so I could have a happy and predictable life without you?"

"Basically." I admit, wondering if she understands why this would set me down the path we were on when I walked into the house that day.

"It's my decision." She says firmly.

"What?" I frown.

"I'm a big girl, Josh." She says, moving to sit on her knees. "It's my decision if I want to stand on the train tracks with you. It's my choice if I want to sleep in your office while you work or if I'm okay with being home alone while you travel to God knows where. And I got to decide if I wanted to be with you despite getting blown up in Gaza, which wasn't your fault by the way. The point is, I'm a big girl and I can take it."

"And what if we find out years down the line that you can't and we don't work?" I breathe, feeling the tightness in my chest from the very thought of not being with her.

"And what if we do work?" She smiles weakly, messing with my hair. "We're going to work, Josh. You and I didn't make it this far, to only come this far. We'll work, because we want to work. We're going to have babies and we're probably going to fight again. But when it comes to your fear about whether or not I want to be the wife who has to be alone or the Mom who may have to do things alone while you're off consulting or something...that's up to me. And the fear of losing me…I can't always control that. But I promise to do what I can to take care of myself…if you promise to take care of yourself."

"Does that mean eating all of the vegetables?" I tease and she moves closer, wrapping her arms around my neck. I move my hands to her side, finding myself breathing her in.

"Yes" She grins, pressing her lips to mine. I'm honestly surprised by her reaction, but I guess she was being honest. She deserved the truth.

"I'm sorry." I whisper against her lips

"Don't keep me out of decisions in our relationship." She pleaded, her fingers at the back of my neck. "I promise you, I can handle it and I need to be involved. Especially once we get married and have kids."

"I'm sorry." I murmur, sliding my hands up and down her sides.

"And none of the fight was cold feet about having kids?" She asks suddenly. "You didn't change your mind."

"Donna…no." I say quickly, pushing her hair back. "I'll be honest, a part of me considered that may have been some underlying reason why I was so worked up. That maybe despite how excited I was, maybe underneath I was freaking out and didn't realize."

"And was it an underlying reason? At all?" She swallows.

"Not at all." I say. "Stanley actually said marrying and having kids with you is one of the things I seem to express the most passion about."

"How do you know it wasn't that for sure?" She asks, as I trail my fingers along the trail of freckles on her neck and around her necklace.

"I knew, because the moment the miscarriage happened, I felt like a part of our world imploded. It felt like something was taken from us. I'm a little embarrassed, but babies consume my brain now. Our babies." I say confidently and clearly, because I know for sure. I see babies everywhere these days. I find myself noticing them when I am out and about in D.C or I see them on television. I watch Donna talk to the Santos children and I think about how sweet she's going to be when we have our own. "Finding out you were pregnant and that we had lost the baby in the same sentence is a moment I won't forget. It was like hearing the best and worst news at the same moment. I stand by our decision to try for a baby."

"You do?" She quizzes, toying with my collar. I love when her eyes are zeroed in and focused.

"I definitely do. I think about it a lot now." I promise, taking her hand. "Do you?"

"Yeah." She swallows, moving a hand to my face. She pauses to think for a moment and then begins to speak quietly. "I'm scared, but I do think I'll want to try again. With you."

"We don't have to rush." I assure her, kissing her softly. "Besides, we're supposed to enjoy the process, but we don't have to rush to try again. When you're ready."

"Okay." She grins, leaning her face against mine. "I just need time, but when we're ready, I think I'll enjoy the process."

"I'll make sure of it." I say and take her hand. I press a kiss to her fingers and examine just how perfect they are. "I believe you said you were horny and as it turns out, I love helping you with that issue."

"I am." She nods, placing a hand on the side of my face to tilt my head up at her. "But I also know your mother leaves in a few days and is in the kitchen cooking a big meal for us, so I think we should go out there with her. I'll handle it later in the shower."

"Donna…" I groan, putting my finger on her chin to bring her neck to me. "I want to handle it."

"I just think maybe we should stick to the basics for a little while." She smiles and I sigh dramatically. I really hope she's joking at this point, because through all of this, I've never stopped craving her and I need a fix.

"I'll handle it…" I whine, pressing my lips to her chin as my hand moves down to her leg. "Let me…"

"If you behave, I'll let you watch." She whispers, before moving her lips just in front of mine, so I can feel her breath. I crave her lips, but before I can kiss her, she places her finger on mine. "You have to be good."

"I'm really good…"

"Josh?" She breathes, so that her whole hand is covering my mouth.

"Hmmph?"

"You have to communicate with me." She mutters, her eyes serious again. "You can't just bail and you can't come home and yell at me like that again. I feel like a bystander in our life and I'm trying really hard to get back to feeling like I belong here."

She drops her hand from my mouth and I let out a deep breath. "You belong here. You've always belonged here."

"And I didn't mean what I said, when I said I didn't know if I wanted to have a baby with you because I didn't know when you would be home." She claims, wrapping her arms around my neck. "In the moment I just wanted a reaction, because I felt bombarded. That's what I wanted more than anything."

"I know." I press a kiss to her cheek and smile. "I kind of deserved for you to say something back at that point. I even attacked your potatoes."

"You did attack my potatoes!" She exclaims, a little giggle escaping her lips before she kisses me quickly. "You can't make choices for me again just to protect me from what might happen. I know what is good for me and as it turns out, being with you really makes me happy. I would sleep on that office couch every night if that is what it took."

I look into her eyes and there is something so earnest about her. So completely honest and brave about this woman who has been inside my world since she walked into the Bartlet for America offices so many years ago. I smile, before planting a series of light kisses against her lips. "I love you."

"I love you too." She smiles, before climbing off of me. I immediately feel a little bummed that she moved, but she holds my hand as she climbs off the bed. I scoot to the side, throwing my legs over as she stands in between them. "And just so you know, we're not having sex until your Mom leaves because well…I want to be able to scream your name so loud the neighbors talk."

"I…wow…." I feel my eyes go wide as she giggles against my lips. "Yeah, I'd like that."

Donna winks, before pulling away quickly. She knows that is enough to get me to pin her to the bed so she makes a quick escape, sneaking out of the bedroom. This woman. This insanely dedicated, smart, beautiful and courageous woman is everything to me. Coming clean wasn't easy, because for a little bit I didn't understand why I did what I did. I know realistically, we are still going to have to work through things. Donna still seems a little bit guarded and I don't blame her. We also have to grieve and work our way through coping with what happened when we lost a baby we didn't know we had. We're a work in progress, but for the first time in a while, I feel like we're on the right track. I know we're going to be okay, because I look at her and I can't fathom letting her go. It baffles my mind just how much this woman has always made me better. Even after I tried breaking her heart, she was willing to come home to me in her darkest moment. She held my hand as Yo-Yo Ma played and she kisses me when I tell her how stupid I was. Now comes the hard work for the both of us. Trying to resume our relationship while building trust again. Repairing what was broken and moving forward.