beast boy's perspective

To lessen the pungent stench of morning breath, I tossed a couple of mints into my mouth. My hair was a tangled, unkempt mess that hasn't been washed in weeks. My skin grew textured and smeared with dirt—due to my lack of hygiene. My muscles ached, as they wearily held up my sluggish body.

I didn't know if I wanted to take a depression nap, or sleep all day to recharge myself.

With a tofu burger in my hands, my mouth bent into a solid line. Yet again, I was attempting to eat a late breakfast in the kitchen... and failing.

Cyborg and Robin were fixing up the T-Car in the garage, and Starfire was meditating with Raven on the roof.

"Ugh, dude, you've got to eat something. Get out of your head, damn-it." I exhaled in frustration.

I absolutely adored tofu, but my stomach didn't have the appetite for it, or for anything really. Before trying to eat the burger, I tried an orange, and a granola bar.

I angrily placed the burger back in the plate, letting out a loud huff.

"The people of my planet wouldn't sit very well with meditation. They are belligerent, always alert and exceedingly tense. No one on Tamaran knows how to relax."

I listened to Starfire's and Raven's voices coming from the hallway.

"Azarathians are calm and unbothered. They talk below a whisper and spend most of the day doing rituals and deep spiritual healing. That's kind of all I've known. Peace and quiet."

"Tamaran is full of lively people who expel star bolts when they are angry or excited. Many also like to sing out national ballads and take part in social gatherings."

"Countless Starfire's running one planet. Sounds... unique."

The door swooshed open, and the girls entered the room.

"Beastboy, you are awake! I have not seen much of you lately." Starfire glided over to me.

"Hey, Star." I weakly smiled.

"Hello, you look like you could use a sweet Tamaranean dish. I am more than happy to make one for you, if need be."

"Ah, no thanks, Star."

Her bright eyes sulked, "Are you sure? I promise, it tastes delicious. I believe I have to put more of that white, crystalline powder to the recipe."

"I'm hoping you are not talking about salt." I grimaced.

"Aren't the salts sweet?"

"No. Salt is salty."

"Oooh. So, it is the "sweet" that I need to add to the recipe. Not the salt..."

"Sugar, yeah, sounds about right. It's alright, Star. All you have to do is make a minor adjustment. " I chuckled lightly.

"Oh, I have forgotten to give Silkie a bath. I will see you later. Bye, friends!" Starfire returned to the hallway in a flash.

"Later, Star."

"I take it that you're not top notch today?" Raven questioned.

"Bottom notch is more like it."

"It's... rough, I get it. Anything I can do to help?"

I mumbled, "No clue. For someone who sleeps past noon everyday, I'm tired to the bone. I'm hungry, but not hungry enough to eat. My chest feels tight, my head's spinning, my body's aching. This emotional pain is becoming physical, and I don't like it. And I sure as hell don't know how to stop it."

Raven quietly stood nearby.

"Maybe, it's not meant to stop. For now, at least. Perhaps, this thing you're going through is meant to be dealt with, or managed to some extent. You need these days to wear you down to your bare minimum, or else you will never know the strength that resides within you— or meet the day that it unfolds itself fully."

"I hate this, Rae. I literally can't stand myself." I pulled my hair back with my hands, then shook my head.

"Gosh, I don't like seeing you like this. You know what I do when I feel like utter crap?"

"You meditate?"

"No, that's just for regular emotional maintenance."

"You read?"

"That's honestly just to kill time or distract myself."

My speech slurred, "Beats me, dude."

"I clean."

"You what?"

"I clean."

"You have to clean? Last time I checked, your room was as clean as Cy's car."

"You've been in my room?" Raven folded her arms across her chest, glaring at me.

"No! I ain't goin' in there without your permission." I quickly defended myself.

Raven rolled her eyes, "Anyway, yeah, I clean my room when I feel all over the place. It's not a lot to clean most of the time, but it's a huge stress reliever. De-cluttering is actually proven to reduce negative emotions and better your mental state."

"Soooo... you're saying I should clean my room?"

"That's one of the suggestions I have, yes. Do something productive to get your mind off of things."

"Raven, I appreciate your idea but... doing small tasks like putting on my uniform or even walking out to the Common Room are exhausting. Literally, anything I do seems to take forever. I never clean my room, because I don't have the mental capacity to deal with it."

"Then, let me help you."

I raised my brow, glancing at Raven.

"You can't be serious."

"I am."

"You wanna help me clean that jungle? Are you sure? You might not make it out alive." I stated.

"Oh, please. I've been in there twice, remember? A third time wouldn't hurt," Raven paused, "Unless... you aren't comfortable with that. I don't want to come off as invasive or anything, I just want to help you feel better." her voice trailed off.

"Hey, it's totally fine, Rae. I know you mean well, and you've shown me that more times than I can count. Besides, I trust you, and if something makes me feel uncomfortable, you'll be the first to know." I reassured warmly.

"The feeling is mutual. Well, let's get a move on."

"Sure." I placed my tofu burger in the fridge, and headed to my room.

When we got to my bedroom, I started to pick up stuff off of the floor.

"Beastboy, take a break. I can do the heavy lifting." Raven asserted gently.

I sat on my bed stubbornly, "I can't let you do all of this by yourself. You are helping me, not cleaning for me."

"You are cleaning with me. You're going to tell me what goes, what stays, and where to put stuff. I can easily organize everything with my powers."

"That's a lot of energy to exert, though."

"It's alright, I don't mind. Where do we start?" Raven rested her hands on her hips, tracing her eyes around the room.

"As if I know." I puffed.

"Well, we gotta start somewhere. Let's start with the stuff on the floor. There's loose papers, wires, bottles, wrappers... food."

"Yeah, we can jus' toss 'em. Put 'em this box right here, it's empty." I pointed to a box near the wall.

Raven sparked her magic, then began to clear up the floor, "Okay, once we get past all of this debris, we can tighten up the other stuff."

"At the speed you're goin' at, this place will be spic n' span in no time."

"That's the plan."

For a while, Raven tidied up the area. She discarded items swiftly with her magic, and talked with me along the way.

I silently admired her.

Raven was someone, from a glance, that seemed to not care about other people. Honestly, she was one of the most compassionate people I have ever met. As much as Raven appears inexpressive, her true nature shows when it matters most.

"Oooh, this is cute. Can it fit me?" Raven held a safari hat in her hand.

"Let's see it."

Raven pulled down her hood, tugging the hat over her head.

"How does it look?" she tilted her head cutely to the side, a soft beam outlining on her face.

I couldn't help but smile at her.

"Better than it did on me."

"Come on, don't compliment me, then self-depreciate yourself in the process. I'm sure you were the only person that could rock this thing." Raven stated in her signature monotone.

"Nope, that's you."

"Whatever floats your boat. So, the trash is dealt with, I organized some stuff into boxes, and now we've gotta fix up these books that are all over the place. What are these again? The Japanese comics... man-jah?" Raven curiously held up a book.

I laughed softly, "Man-ga, Rae. I've gotta lot to teach you."

"Yeah, you do," she returned a light giggle, "I'm going to put all of these over here, near the corner. Do you want me to organize them by series?"

"If you do that, you'd jus' be wastin' your time. I can't keep any of that stuff in order, so I guess you can jus' keep 'em in mixed up piles."

"Let's try to organize them, Beastboy. Trust me, I'm not wasting a second." Raven sorted through each manga and stacked them in an orderly fashion.

Following another while, Raven raised a question to me.

"Beastboy... why do you have all of these comics of yourself?"

My muscles tensed, and my cheeks bathed in hot red.

"Raven..."

"Oh, gosh, I'm sorry. I'm getting ahead of myself. I should know better than to ask about this." she hastily spoke.

I sighed, "I don't mind tellin' you, it's just..."

"A lot?"

"Yeah."

Raven spoke tenderly, "That's okay, I'm always here to listen. Whenever you're ready."

"When we first became heroes, and became popular, we were everywhere. We were on the TV, in newspapers, on the radio, on billboards, you know what I mean."

"Yes."

"Then, they started selling comics about us in the stores."

"They did? I didn't even notice."

"Well, all you go into stores for are mugs, teabags, and novels, so I'm not surprised you didn't know about this."

"Hmph." Raven pouted in annoyance.

"As soon as I saw the first copy about myself, I bought it. Then, I bought two more copies, then four, then eight, and kept buying and buying. I..." I hesitated to continue.

"I bought all of those copies, 'cuz I didn't want anyone to know anything about me. I wanted them to know me as a hero, the one that changes into animals, hunts for mopeds, an occasional flirt, the green kid with the fangy smile, and what-not. I never read my comics, my priority was to keep them away from the public as much as possible. There's only so much I could do, anyway. I'm sure that there's a billion copies being read across the country as we speak."

"All this time, I thought you bought them for the fun of it."

I shook my head.

I felt a glassy sensation form in my pupils, but I was too psychologically desensitized to bother crying.

"It pains me that all of this happened to you," she trailed her quaking finger across the cover of a comic, "You're suffering, and I have to admit... I want to fix it. I know I can't, but I really, really want to." Raven commented, with a saddened tone.

"No. It can't be fixed, and it isn't supposed to be. Without all of this pain, I wouldn't be who I am. I wouldn't have a reason to fight the way I do. Maybe, if I didn't go through all of this, I wouldn't even be a hero. Since I understand what it's like to be in danger, be hurt, lose everything you love. I'd hate to sit back and watch other people go through something similar. Without doing something to help, I mean. My mother told me right before she died: that I have a power, and I shouldn't be afraid to use it. So, yeah," I paused shortly, taking a breath.

"My powers and everything I've endured, are connected one way or another. At times, I don't like using my powers, because of how they relate to my past. However, I didn't get this ability jus' to sit back and kick my feet up. I have to fight in honor of my parents, for all of the people out there, and to give myself a reason behind living each day."

"Now, that is what I call empowerment and character development." Raven noted, smiling softly at me.

"Ehhh, I guess. Any-who, don't wish you could fix what happened to me, and I don't mean to sound harsh. The reality is, you can't fix it, I can't fix it, and no one else can either. What is meant to be, is meant to be. Our job is to keep reaching for the light."

"That's it. And... as dark as it is right now, I'm going to sit this through with you. I promise."

I nodded my head in agreement, then smiled at the girl.

"I don't know how you do it, but as dark as you are, you still manage to lighten up my day."