One of the hardest parts of working for The President of the United States is when something terrible happens and you have to figure out how to respond without making it seem like your personal views are in the way. Twenty-two lives were lost in the event that ripped Donna and I from our house yesterday morning. Five of them were children. Three of those children were under the age of six. It's a nauseating feeling when you know the President has to play the role of Comforter in Chief, but as a father he's torn apart over this horrific crime. The President made a trip to Albany this morning to view the site and meet with families and members of the community. He does this cololing role well, but it makes me sick that we're even in this position. I will never understand why people do the horrific things they do. Humans will never cease to amaze and disappoint me.
I've been here since yesterday, having dealt with the aftermath of the shooting, but also handling things that had to be set aside by the President. Donna brought me a change of suit a couple of hours ago, before returning to The East Wing. She's been pretty busy making calls and handling the First Lady's side of things in moments like this. She actually made the trip to Albany with the First Couple, joining Helen at a therapy center for small children who witnessed the attack. She stays strong, but the moment she was back in my office and the door was closed, she crumbled. Meeting a little boy who lost his parents and older sister broke her. The compassion this woman has for others is a reminder in the moments when I think I am getting too numb to it all. She quickly gathered her composure and went back to work. I hope she never loses that ability to hold others so close to her heart.
Which brings me to yesterday, before we got swept away into the day's events. Donna and I had sex for the first time in a while and it was amazing. It was a devilish cross between making love and just hot fucking. I want to go back to the moment when I see the pleasure was over her face. Except, it also reminds me that we didn't use protection. I'm completely okay with that. We had stopped using protection over a month before our fight and had gotten used to it. Except, I know she's weary about trying for another baby. I know she's terrified of another loss. I am too. She might also be a little unsure if we're stable enough for it, but she doesn't say it. I should have said something, but at the moment it hadn't crossed my mind. It truly wasn't until I was sitting in the Situation room last night that I thought about it as I waited for everyone to gather for the meeting. I make a note that we need to discuss it and move on again.
Now, I'm looking at a stack of papers on my desk, wondering which Republican I can get to speak out about the need for change, when I hear a knock on the door. "Come in."
"Hey." Sam dips his head into my office. "Just wanted to let you know Tom sent the notes over to Lou. She's working on getting the statement released on the Beirut situation."
"Great." I sigh, pinching the bridge of my nose. "We'll meet in the oval this evening at six, but Lucy should have already given you the memo."
"She did." Sam nods, looking out at the door suddenly and nodding. "Donna wants to know if you have five minutes for her."
"Yeah." I sit up straight in my chair, adjusting my jacket. "Send her in."
"Should I leave the door open and perform hand checks?" Sam jokes as Donna struts in and rolls her eyes.
"You're an idiot." I groan, shaking my head.
"Be nice to Sam." Donna insists, smiling back at my friend and coworker in the doorway. "Sam, you're not an idiot. You just sometimes say idiot things."
"Thanks, Donna." Sam smiles, before backing away and closing my office door. Donna walks in and plops herself down in the chair across from my desk.
"Bored?" I ask, arching an eyebrow.
"More like taking a much needed break from phone calls." She breathes, slouching back in the chair. I reach for a pen, tapping it along my desk as she lifts her head. "Is it bad I wish we were back in bed?"
"No." I answer honestly. "I say the first moment we get at home for more than four hours, we don't leave the bed."
"Fine by me." She giggles tiredly, crossing her legs. "Thanks for the hickey by the way. I had to leave my scarf on, because makeup isn't fully covering it and I didn't think about what outfit I was throwing on when we left the apartment."
"Did anyone else see it?" I ask, cocking an eyebrow.
"I think Helen saw it when I first arrived." Donna covered her embarrassed face. "I am sure she thinks we act like teenagers."
"It's payback for all the times you leave your mark on me." I smirk and Donna's eyes darken. I wonder if it's time to bring up something that has been in the back of my mind all morning. Our time right before this whole incident in Albany happened. "Yesterday was nice…"
"Really nice." She responds, pursing her lips together to bite back a smile. "I think we need a day in bed sooner than later. I want to hide from the world."
"Hiding from the world seems nice." I breathe softly as I look at her. Then I know I need to bring something up about yesterday. "Donna…when we were…"
"Having amazing sex?" She grins, tilting her head. "Fucking on a pile of your old t-shirts?"
"Yeah." I mutter, shaking my head. When she talks like that, it awakens something in me. I love when she gets like this and I want to take her home now, but I need to focus. I need to talk to her. "Are you okay?"
"Josh, I was a little emotional earlier." Donna rolls her head back dramatically. "Have you asked any other East Wing staff members how they are doing?"
"Well I'm not marrying Justine or Ted." I counter, pushing out of my desk chair.
"If you were, we'd have to have a whole other conversation and perhaps move to a state that allows…"
"Donna." I interject as I move in front of her chair, leaning back against my desk. "I'm talking about before we had to make our way here."
"I'm not following." She says, resting her hands in her lap.
"Donna, I'm referring to our sex life. More specifically what we did yesterday. On our bed. Before..." I speak quietly, watching as a guilty smile spreads across her lips. "You knew exactly what I was asking about."
"I enjoy when you're trying to tell me something without trying to tell me something." She grins. "You start speaking real low and begin to fidget."
"Donna." I sigh.
"Yes?" She questions, looking at me innocently.
"I just wanted to check in with you, because I didn't get to see you much yesterday." I say quietly, but she looks at me with a smile on her face.
"It was nice." She says, eying my legs before looking back up to me. "I missed us…that way."
"Yeah me too." I smile, looking into her eyes but immediately pulling away as I remember what we need to address. "Donna, we didn't talk about protection before we did it. I didn't pull out."
"Okay…." She eyes me curiously before it hits her what I meant and her blue eyes go wide. "Oh."
"It could result in an unwanted…or very wanted surprise." I reply, taking her hand. "Depends on how you look at it."
"And how do you look at it?" She asks quietly.
"Donna, if you're not interested in having a child right now then we can get Plan B or wait and see what happens and you can make a choice then." I explain, but my gut doesn't agree. My gut knows she has rights and I agree with those rights. "That being said, my interest in having babies with you remains the same and I am for it. I just know that since everything…your mind has changed a bit."
"It hasn't changed, but I'm scared." She admits quietly, looking down at her hands. "I'm not freaking out about us. Maybe I should be, but I'm most scared of getting pregnant again and losing it again."
"Me too." I say, kneeling in front of her. I place a kiss on her hand and look back up at her. "Look, if you're not ready. I'll go buy condoms. I'll buy them in every texture and flavor and color you would possibly be able to think of."
"I don't think the taste matters down there." She smiles coyly, before releasing a deep breath. "So we didn't use protection yesterday."
"We didn't." I nod, a little bounce in my knees.
"I don't think I am ready for us to just blatantly try again yet." She says softly, her fingers adjusting my shirt collar. "I don't want to start trying, but if we didn't do anything to openly prevent it…I wouldn't be upset either."
"So, you don't want to try…but you don't want to not try either?" I ask, unable to stop a smile from forming on my lips.
"We could just see how it goes." She nods hesitantly. She's contemplating for a moment, her fingers focused on the fabric. "Maybe we could get the condoms and see how we're feeling. Have them just in case."
"We can do that." I offer, kissing her hand again. "But don't be scared. If you decide you want the condom…we'll use it."
"Okay." She breathes, leaning forward to press a kiss against my lips. "Josh?"
"Yeah?" I let out a deep breath as I notice her eyes fill with sadness and she's biting her lip. Those blue eyes could get me to rob a bank.
"What if we lose another baby?" She whispers. I want to tell her the worry is nonsense, but the truth is it is a very real fear for the both of us. We weren't ever considering that something like that could happen when we made the choice to begin trying. We considered that it might take months and that she might not be pregnant by the wedding, but we never considered what was in store for us. We never thought it would happen immediately, but that the pregnancy wouldn't stick. "I know that sounds like I'm just being negative."
"Donna, I think we're both scared of that." I say freely, pressing another kiss against his lips. "And I think a lot of things happened around that time that we weren't expecting, but if we just stay scared and not try, then we won't get to witness when something really amazing happens."
"If it happens right away again, I would definitely be showing at the wedding." She grins, squeezing my hand.
"Lou will really enjoy explaining that." I chuckle, before looking up at the clock. "Look, I gotta meet with the joint chiefs in about twenty minutes or else I would love to take a stab at it right now. You needed five minutes?"
"I did." She nods as I wipe a tear from the corner of her eye. "The First Lady wants to set up an event."
"You can put that order in." I frown, waiting for the catch. "Reach out to protocol for any…"
"She wants to do it with all moms of children who have been killed due to gun violence to try and send a message." Donna finishes, before leaning forward to kiss my nose. "And I thought we should bring it to the West Wing because it's going to…"
"Looks like she's trying to get in on legislation?" I ask, wincing as I realize this could turn into an issue.
"It looks like she's trying to have an impact on legislation." Donna nods. "And as your future wife…and potential baby mama…I figured I should give you a heads up in the event that you need to interfere. Although, I hope you won't. I like the optics."
"I don't love the optics." I groan as she kisses my nose again. "Do you think sweetly kissing my nose is going to minimize the chances of me sabotaging this?"
"Is it working?" She grins, standing up from her chair.
"Not as well as you were hoping." I tease, pulling her to me. "I can't let it look like she's trying to do all the legislation on gun control before we can get something done about it."
"But she's a mother, reaching out to other mothers who have had the worst thing happen to them." Donna advocates and it's not lost on me. "We have to do something, because the way I see it, it's an epidemic."
"I don't disagree, but we can't have it looking like she's calling the real shots." I argue, before taking a deep breath and realizing I don't want this to become something I get into with Donna. She's right, but she also knows things need to be handled sensitively and in an effective way. "Come up with alternative ways for her to share her views and our offices can meet next week to discuss."
"Got it." She sighs, before I place my hands on her side. "I'm going to try and get home tonight. I never showered after we…"
"Well, you don't smell bad but you don't smell like me anymore which is always a bummer." I tease, placing a light kiss on her lips. "Wait for me. The President told me to make sure I am out of here by midnight tonight."
"I can work with that." She smiles weakly, before walking to the door. "And maybe if we're not too tired…which I will probably be…we can not try tonight or very early tomorrow morning."
"I mean if you're tired, you could just lay there." I tease and she rolls her eyes. "I'm just saying we should get some practice not trying. You could definitely get practice not trying. I'm just here to support you."
"You're an idiot and I love you." She giggles, shaking her head and closing the door to my office. This woman drives me wild and the truth is, I can't wait to marry her. I can't wait to have a baby with her and start a life that isn't just solely based on what happens within the walls of this administration. Not that this isn't an important part of our story. I love how crazy she is about getting something done. When she worked for me, she was a catalyst in getting things done. She did so much grunt work that made Jed's administration what it was. So many times she saved the day. The filibuster and Social Security. She wants to make a difference and she's an inspiration for The First Lady. Helen had no interest in being The First Lady and having a platform until she got to know Donna. Now they're a team. Donna brings the best out in everyone. But I love to put the work to the side and think about the woman she is when it's just the two of us. The thing about her is that she's a better woman than I deserve. It's hard to see just how scared she is and it's evident in her eyes. I don't know that she can handle another loss, but I am going to be right there come what may. Whether a baby happens sooner or later, she's going to know that I am on her side the entire time.