beastboy's perspective

My eyes gradually opened, narrowing in response to the beams of sunlight. I groaned, trying to haul my body weight off of the surface. My mind felt dense, my muscles felt thin, and I felt like a burnt out battery.

The horrible flavor of morning breath sat in my mouth. My lungs seemed to be counting how much more breaths they could manage. Additionally, it was hard to miss the reek coming from my underarms and hair.

I didn't even feel like I was in my own body. I knew myself just as good as I would know a stranger walking on the street.

My vision made a slow adjustment to my surroundings.

"I could swear it was morning just a second ago."

The light I saw was coming from the moon. Regardless, I still had a funky smell lingering inside of my mouth. As soon as I saw that I was still wearing my uniform, I remembered.

The last thing I did was complete a mission with the team earlier this afternoon. After that, I came in my room and promised myself a cat nap.

A cat nap that turned into an eight hour slumber.

I yawned, pulled on my shoes, then walked into the hallway.

I didn't have any interest in the lunch or dinner I missed, I didn't care for the video-game sessions or the anime binging that I would do in the living room, and I wasn't inclined to see who else was awake.

I silently made my way up to the roof.

I stood still, staring out at the world ahead of me.

The water around the Tower was a dark, mystical blue at night. It danced gently against the shore of the island. I observed the city bridge that glistened with translucent white, yellow, orange, and red lights. Darkness and light contrasted across the buildings and houses of Jump City.

The clouds inched across the sky in slow motion, grazing stars along the way. A tender wind lifted up my hair and fondled with it. The crisp air nibbled on the tips of my ears. The hairs on my forearms and neck stood upright.

Warm tears glided down either sides of my face.

The night handled me so delicately, it made my soul writhe.

I was split between living and dying.

It was horrifying, to be honest. Everyday I found another reason why I shouldn't be alive, and another excuse as to why I should stay in the land of the living. The demons I had to fight at night were as strong as the ones I had to fight in the day, in fact, stronger.

I wanted to absorb it.

I craved for the dark breeze to be graceful enough to blow my thoughts away. For the scintillating, colorful city lights to make at least a speck of joy appear in my eyes. I yearned for the subtle music of the rippling water to put my tension at ease. Perhaps, I longed to embrace the warmth of the silver moonlight, and the shine of the stars.

I needed to throw my head back, outstretch my arms, smile, and just let go.

Instead, I had to wrestle with the grueling urge to tip myself off the edge.

I fell to my knees, crying right in the night's face.

"I just want it to stop..." my fingers gripped on the fabric of my pants.

You're one push away from finishing it once and for all.

I took a sharp breath, feeling my heartbeat in my throat.

Unexpectedly, arms carefully slithered around my body.

The person sniveled, letting out a despairing cry that echoed into the world around us. Their body trembled violently against mine, though they managed to keep a firm grip on me.

Another series of tears rushed down my cheeks. I whimpered, holding both of the person's arms with my hands.

We sat there for a few minutes, crying and holding one another.

Finally, I spoke.

"Mom gave me something I'm supposed to love, something I'm supposed to be grateful for everyday. Out of the billions of people in this world Mom could have given life to, she gave life to me. And to think I have the audacity to want to throw it all away. All of these years, months, weeks, days, and moments... I want my life to become nothing but a memory."

Raven listened quietly, maintaining her secure hold around my body.

"Every day is the same damn thing. I can't tell you the last time I was happy that I woke up. I spend everyday sleep-walking through life... wondering when or what will snap me out of this curse. All of the h-happy memories I've had, is like watchin' TV before the 60's. The world is full of pretty colors, but I can't see them. My mind is only able to process black and white. Hell, I feel like my head's full of white noise. All of this— mental static because I can't connect with myself or handle the reality I'm stuck with. Or even like a TV on mute, I'm trying to say so many things, but no one can hear me."

My voice broke off momentarily.

"Rae... I wish I had the will to live. I'm... I'm just here because I have to be. I'm not inclined to live at all. If I were to be h-honest, sometimes it just comes down to the fact I never want you and the team to spend a penny on a burial. I miss it. I miss feeling light rush through my eyes... because I see a new moped on sale. I miss the thrill that washes over me when the boys and I play video games. I miss the joy that I feel when I see food. I miss wanting to kick some ass on the battlefield, or make fun of the bad guys. I miss... me."

There was a brief silence.

"Gar," Raven paused before beginning, "I want to start by saying that I'm proud of you. Not to make this about me, but I have to tell you. Remember that empathetic radar I told you about?"

"Yes, I do."

"It's very sensitive, especially if it's connected to someone I care a lot about. When you were out here, it was triggered. I came out as quickly and as quietly as I could. If you let yourself over the edge, I would have been right there to help. Like you said, you were really close to throwing it all away."

"But look... you didn't. Maybe, it's hard to find an incentive to stay. Still, you dug down deep and held onto a string of light, even if it was the last one you had. You didn't need anyone to save you, you saved yourself. You became your own victim, as well as your own hero. In that second you could have allowed yourself to die, but you gave yourself permission to live."

Her fingers kindly stroked my hair, which calmed me a bit. Some of Raven's tears found a way into my hair as well.

I relaxed into her body, feeling her heart knock peacefully against the back of my head. I was still shaken up. My eyes were swollen and probably red. My chest rattled violently from the amount of crying I did, and "exhausted" couldn't measure up to the amount of tiredness I was feeling.

"The world is dark. It's dark, scary, and painful. The truth is, we don't sign up for any of the things life does to us. We handle every curve as it comes, and just hope that we've braced ourselves well enough for the next hurdle. Pain happens in spasms, some are fleeting, others are long-winded. That suffering, will contort you into someone you would've never imagined to be. The light and the dark are complementary. One can't exist without the other. And... it's alright. It's okay to look darkness in the eyes, and cry out your heart's desire. It's normal to get tired from constantly putting up a fight with the monsters inside and around you," Raven sniffled lightly.

I noticed her left hand was shaking, and held onto it a little tighter.

Reassurance went two ways.

Just as Raven was able to give comfort to me, I made sure I was able to do the same for her.

"Despite all of that, you have to remember... that after night, comes a day. You never know which day will be your breakthrough. It may be next year, in the next four years, two months in the future, or even tomorrow."

"Are you sure?"

"I promise. You may even get half of a breakthrough, and have to sit around for the other half. The universe has a way of irreparably breaking you, and waiting for the right time to fix you back into a broken whole. The unwritten rule, is that you have to wait—no matter how long or unbearable the wait is. I'll be right beside you until that moment arrives, and all the ones that follow it."

I couldn't find the words to say. It was hard to take in everything that Raven was telling me, as I was still in swimming in my mental abyss.

I didn't hear what she said, but I listened.

Every word she said was tucked safely away into the recesses of my mind. I wasn't able to assess or apply it just yet, but hopefully that time would come sooner rather than later.

I pressed my lips affectionately on the back of Raven's hand.

Together, we sat on the roof, keeping each other warm from the cold silence of night.

Even though death continued to whisper in my ear, I was in the arms of an angel that helped me live.