Together, Donna Moss and Helen Santos are a force to be reckoned with. Both on a professional and personal level, these two pick a task and attack it in a way that leaves the rest of us to shame. Today, it's the children's birthday party genre that they've chosen to dominate. The President and First Lady are hosting an indoor fairy garden party for their daughter's birthday and of course, we wouldn't miss it. Donna has been obsessing all week about this party and I think she's actually enjoyed the entire process. It also gives me a little bit of concern for when our kids have parties. Miranda loves flowers and fairy's and it looks like a party fit for that love. What if our kids love space or Barbies? Is Donna going to transform the space into a Malibu Dreamhouse? Probably. Especially with the help of Helen and my mother. But when I look at her, I've decided I'll just let her do it, because she's fun to watch when she throws herself into something.
The effect Donna Moss has had on me since the moment I met her is one for the history books. The wide-eyed beauty from Wisconsin marched into my office, hired herself and then spent years being this temptation that was always right in front of me. Working on opposite sides of the White House hasn't changed anything. Watching her walk away always makes me feel a bit like a teenage boy, because with every other amazing quality she has, that ass just has a life of its own. Today is no different. I make a mental note to press my face against it tonight, but for now I'll just admire it in the tight fighting dress she's wearing as she adjusts some flower headpiece on Miranda Santos.
For the first time in a really long time, she looks happy and I wonder if that happiness is here to stay. The wedding is in a few months and the press is invested. People Magazine, US Weekly, Page Six and several other publications are actually getting really interested in our nuptials. Apparently the Chief of Staff to the President and Chief of Staff to the first lady getting married is a bit of a royal wedding situation in the media. It hadn't occurred to us just how big of a deal it was to the public until we got engaged and Donna's ring had gone noticed at the White House Correspondance dinner. The next day, our offices were inundated with calls asking us to confirm if there had been an engagement. Then our engagement photos were leaked before we ever got a chance to release one ourselves and then when we postponed the wedding, there were a few small tabloid rumors about cheating and the idea that maybe I had stepped out on the relationship with a lobbyist I had been pictured talking to. Spoiler alert, that lobbyist was into women. Not me. Also, Donna wasn't bothered by that one at all, because she said I wasn't clever enough to cheat. I should have been offended, but she wasn't wrong. Still, seeing her happy in this moment gives me a renewed sense of hope that we're on the right track and this mess of us breaking up is behind us. It's one of my biggest regrets and there are times where I see a hesitancy I didn't see before this mess. A mess I caused.
"Could you stop drooling?" Matt Santos asks as he approaches, sitting next to me at the long table set up by an old sealed up fireplace. "You're at a kid's birthday party."
"I'm not drooling." I roll my eyes, looking at my watch. "When is the cake coming out? Doesn't that signify the end of this thing?"
"So you can go hookup with Donna?" The President asks before shaking his head. "You have no shame."
"The first lady sent you away for making eyes at her while she spoke to other parents?" I chuckle.
"Yep." Matt nods, leaning forward. "I told Bram to hold off on the notes for the Summit until Monday."
"Good call." I reply, thinking about the summit in Switzerland that is coming up in a week. Donna will be attending with the First Lady and while I was initially going to be staying behind, I will be meeting with my French counterpart while there. It isn't a trip for pleasure, but it will be my first time being in Switzerland with Donna. Speaking of Donna, she's just walked back into the room, wearing a similar headpiece to Miranda's. "We should also set a meeting with Canada to discuss the wildfires. Go for the extending a helpful hand look."
"Yeah." Matt adjusts his jacket as he watches Miranda and her friends make beaded necklaces. A moment later, Donna comes walking our way and I can't help the smile that forms on my lips. I can't be the only one who thinks she walks with light illuminating her body. "Hey Donna."
"Mr. President." She nods, moving to sit on the other side of me, her hands adjusting her skirt. "Helen would like to introduce you to some parents from the school if you have a moment."
"Great." He laughs weakly, groaning as he stands. "If you guys don't hear back from me in twenty-minutes, come save me."
"Got it." She giggles, wrapping her hands around my arm. The president walks just outside of the room and now Donna and I are sitting here alone. I reach my hand up to touch the flowers on her head and press a light kiss to her nose. "Miranda wanted me to wear a flower crown."
"Flower crown? I like it." I smile, pushing hair behind her ears. "Any chance you're wearing one when you walk down the aisle?"
"No, but possibly the flower girls." She answers, lightly kicking her leg at mine. "Secret service had to kick a reporter out who started asking about Miranda's role in the wedding. She told them she was going to be the best junior bridesmaid before we got wise and he got kicked out."
"She may be the person most excited about the wedding." I laugh, lacing my fingers in with Donna's. "Are you?"
"Am I what?" She asks, taking a deep breath.
"Excited about the wedding?" I ask, eying her as she answers. She looks deep in thought for a moment, before shaking her head.
"Yes." She answers quiety. When I look at her, I don't know why I am focused on how long it took her to say 'yes' to me. Her eyes go wide and she becomes suspicious. "What, Josh?"
"You took a while to answer." I point out, looking back over at the kids enjoying the party. "I just thought a blushing bride was supposed to be obsessed with her upcoming wedding."
"Are you?" She rasps, her fingers lightly squeezing my arms.
"Yes!" I insist, because I am. I can't wait to see Donna in her dress, walking towards me as she walks with her father. "Of course."
"Good." She notes, letting go of my arm. Donna sits there in silence for a moment as we watch the girls giggle over the table of different beads. I enjoy watching as Donna watches them, her eyes curious as to what the little girls will get into next. I try not to focus on how quiet she's being today, trying to explain it to myself as too many things going on at once.
"What are you thinking about?" I quiz her, nudging her knee with mine.
"Nothing." She breathes, looking down at our hands. I examine her face, replaying our morning. I know she was up late handling some issues with vendor's for today, but she got to sleep in a little this morning. I give her a look and she rolls her eyes. "Maybe I'm wondering if we should go to bed early or watch a movie."
"Do you want to watch a movie tonight?" I ask, unsure if that's really what's flowing through her mind.
"Okay." She answers, shifting in her seat.
"Okay." I repeat and eye her suspiciously. I feel like Donna has been bouncing the last few days between normal and completely distant. I just don't know how to address it. Things have been perfect since I came clean about why I got so angry and fought with her. "What do you want to watch?"
"It's up to you." She smiles weakly, her fingers adjusting a curl on my head. "I'll watch whatever."
"Alright." I debate if I want to press further, but look around the room first. "Walk to my office with me."
"I don't know if I should leave…" She quickly sits up straight, looking around. I wave her on, letting her know that we should.
"I think there are enough people here to make sure things are running smoothly." I remark as we both stand and I place a hand on the small of her back, urging her towards the door. She's hesitant at first, but she eventually complies and walks with me. I nod at the agents at the door as we exit. For a moment, I don't say anything and hope she'll begin to speak, but she doesn't and I don't know what to make of it. When we get to a hallway near one of the gardens, I turn to face her. "What's wrong?"
"What makes you think something is wrong?" She frowns, shaking her head before starting to walk again. I grab her arm, stopping her. "What are you doing?"
"Donna, you're in your element. A kids party, with a bouquet literally on your head and you're barely talking." I call out, letting go of her arm. "At least you stopped talking once you came and sat by me."
"Josh…I'm tired." She grumbles, starting to walk away again and I follow. She may be, but I don't understand. Ever since she took the pregnancy test, she's been irritated and short. It makes me think I have done something wrong and maybe I am over investing, but I want things to be okay with us. "Can we just go back?"
"Something is bothering you." I point out and she pinches the bridge of her nose, her blonde hair falling forward. "Everything has been fine since we got over the fight and then you took the pregnancy test and you've been getting more and more quiet."
"Has it been fine?" She snaps and her volume increases, turning back to face me as her face becomes more serious. "Did we get over the whole fight?"
"I thought we had." I say quietly, before lightly placing a hand on her arm and leading her into the West Wing. I keep my voice low as we head towards my office. "I told you aboeut what happened and we talked."
"I know, Josh." She confirms, as my door comes into view and I take my key out.
"I thought it was over." I admit, pushing the door open.
"Maybe it's not for me!" She shouts, turning around as she makes her way into my office. I look around outside to see it's rather empty before heading in and closing the door behind me. She puts her head on her temples, rubbing in circles. I look at her cluelessly and that must make her more upset, because her eyes begin to water. "It's not completely fixed and if you thought it was…then you're an idiot."
"Hey!" I groan, trying to reach my hands out to her. "What's going on?"
"It's not over for me." She admits, moving to the couch in my office. She looks at my face, but quickly looks away to her lap. "I respect and appreciate you going to therapy and I think it helped me understand most of it, but some things just don't make sense to me and they just echo in my brain. I don't even feel at home…in the apartment. I feel like I'm a fucking guest and scared to put anything anywhere that might just irritate you."
"Donna…" I begin, running a hand through my hair. I admit that I am caught off guard, but in hindsight it makes sense. "I told you I was sorry."
"Josh, I'm trying to move on from it." She argues, pushing up from the couch and putting her hands on her back. "You mocked my career, you yelled at me for trying to make our place nice and you just broke up with me. I mean sure…great. You talked it over with your therapist and you had a reason, but then it was like it never happened, but it did! It happened and I took the brunt of it."
"Donna, I just don't know what else you want me to say." I reply with honesty, watching the frustration in her face turn to sadness. "I really did think we were over it."
"And I wanted us to be, but now I am going through each day feeling like I'm not home and that I am a vessel for the next big thing you want in life, because you've convinced yourself that our problems are over." She explains, leaning against my desk. "I came back with you, because that was the best thing to do in the situation. We were faced with something really hard and being together was right for us, but I am starting to slowly feel like that was a cloud on my judgement to let this all go so quickly. Like maybe I just wanted it to go away, so I accepted your answer and didn't ask questions."
"A cloud on your judgement?" I ask with much more annoyance than I meant to show in my voice. "I was a dick. I said dick things."
"Understatement of the century." She sighs, flipping her hair over her shoulder.
"What do you want me to do?" I quiz, because I don't know what she wants me to do. I have nothing else to give her in terms of answers. I came clean and now she's not okay with it. "I didn't mean those things."
"But you said them so naturally!" She barks, crossing her arms. "I don't understand them and when I try to bring anything into the house or put something somewhere, I feel like I am walking on eggshells, because you hate all of it."
"I don't, Donna." I groan, leaning against the wall. Her eyes are full of tears again and I can tell she feels lost. Something really is bothering her, but I don't know how to fix it. Senator Collins got to me that day and I truly worried about whether or not she was in harm's way and if I was capable of being the man she deserved. Except right now, I don't feel worthy at all. She is upset and she is hurting and I don't know what else to do. "I like the damn candles and the flowers and I love you being there, but if you're saying you want to break up because of…"
"Oh my god." She gasps, putting her hands over her eyes. "I don't want to. I don't want to move out or break up or do anything that involves us not being together, but I'm just saying I'm not over it. I don't know how to get over it or move on, but that's where I am right now."
"Okay…" I put my hands on my hips, feeling a whirlwind of information swirling around my head and my brain settles to one more thing. "And having a baby?"
"I want to put it on hold." She admits, taking a deep breath. She looks down, before lifting her head. "I want to go back to using protection one hundred percent of the time."
"Right." I nod, as I feel a little bit of anger. Not at the need for birth control. Not at her for not being ready. Simply, because I feel like we're back where we started. I'm angry with her and I'm angry with myself for a number of reasons. "Okay well, I guess I just don't really understand what you want moving forward."
"I don't want to postpone the wedding again, but I need us to work on our relationship" She admits, walking across my office. "I don't know what that means, but I feel like if I just move out again, we're going to ruin this. So, maybe we need to brainstorm how to fix this."
"In my eyes it was fixed." I bite back, immediately regretting it. She's already upset again and I don't want to risk making it worse. I'm feeling wounded, my heart getting stomped on with the halting of trying to build our family, but a very small part of me feels like I should have been expecting this all along. "I really just thought you were tired or something."
"I was tired." She admits, but wipes at her eyes. She reaches for a tissue on my desk, dabbing at her eyes. "It's not easy for me to stop the baby discussion right now. To call it off until we work through it, because a part of me thinks it might fix everything. Except, if history has taught divorced couples anything, it's that ababy won't fix the relationship. It should only help it grow."
"I wasn't using the baby to try and fix anything." I defend.
"I never said you were." She swallows as she places a hand on the doorknob of my office. "I need to get back, but we can talk about this more later."
"Yeah…" I breathe, watching as she quickly exits my office and I just sit there, looking like a fool. Maybe I was a fool to think this was fixed after one honest discussion and an attempt at having a baby. I should have known how quiet she has been since the negative pregnancy test and now I wonder if I have pushed her further away. I know the fact that she doesn't want to move out or break up or take time away from each other should be encouraging. It should be a great sign. Except all I can focus on is she left my office in tears again and it's my fault. I need to find a way to fix this and wonder if Stanley could have prepared me for this. I start to wonder if Donna wants a way out of this or if she really is just in need of time. I should feel better that she's saying she wants to work on us, but i just find myself wondering if she's going to marry me at all.