I don't know what I was thinking. Actually, I knew exactly what I was thinking and it was that I was slowly starting to feel more and more compressed by the feeling that I was a guest in what was supposed to be mine and Josh's home. It was actually really bothering me and every time we would have sex, I would end up feeling sad and sometimes crying to myself after. The sex was great. Exploding and fiery and full of passion, because that is Josh and I. We were working, but it made me feel like there was a problem I wasn't addressing and then wondering if twenty years down the road, we'd be sitting in divorce court, because Josh wasn't really sorry. Was he sorry? I truly believe he was, but then there was a part of me who wondered if the miscarriage happened and he felt guilty. Like this bag life moment happened and out of his love for me, didn't want to continue being apart. If I had never miscarried and there had been no baby, would we have made our way back to each other? I really do believe he was sorry. I believe everything he said, but I just don't understand it.
Senator Collins got to him. I do believe that. I just don't believe that the words didn't come from somewhere deeper. I do realize a part of that is likely my own mental insecurities in the face of something traumatic that happened. But how can I be sure? How can I go from so insanely in love, to crying into my pillow in hopes he doesn't wake up and hear me. How do I go from excitedly taking pregnancy tests, to being thrilled that the test was negative, but sad for him, because I've let him down. I can't live like this. I want Josh more than I want to exist, but I won't do it in the face of feeling like I can't relax or that I am walking on eggshells, because of something I don't understand. I need us to work at this more. I need to know that he would have made the same effort without us losing the baby. He said he was going to work on some things in the days before it happened, but what if he hadn't? What if there is more to all of this? I just need time and maybe some more answers.
Which is why this has been terrible. Josh and I have barely spoken since the day of Miranda's party. Not a great sign for two people who are to commit their lives to each other in a few short months after delaying the wedding the first time. I want to marry him. I want to spend forever with this man that I love, but we have something big to fix and now I don't even think he believes there is anything else to fix. So we've been avoiding each other. We were supposed to talk the night of the party, but he left ahead of me and then I decided to catch a drink with Annabeth, mostly because I just needed a break. I came home and Josh was asleep on the couch with a book. I covered him with a blanket and went to our bed to sleep. Our bed. Not just his bed, but it feels sometimes like everything else is his.
We've both been throwing ourselves into work to avoid each other, but now it's late and I am returning home after a day at the office. I know Josh had actually already left to come home, because he stopped by my office to see if I was ready to head out. The truth was that I was getting ready to head out too, but I lied and said I needed to work longer. He offered to stay and wait, but I promised to call a car and return home shortly after. I know we need to talk, but we've both been avoiding it. We leave for Switzerland in two days and we need to resolve some of this before we go on a trip for work where we'll be in close quarters with people who will quickly pick up on the tension. Helen already suspects something is going on again, no matter how much I deny it. So Josh and I need to talk, but hopefully not tonight. I unlock the door to the apartment and pray that he's asleep or that he tried to catch a beer with Sam. However those wishes are shut down when I hear the television and the lights are all on throughout the house. "Donna?"
"Who else would it be?" I quiz, tossing my bag on the arm chair as he stands up from the couch and walks over to me.
"Publisher's Clearing House?" He asks, standing in front of me. He leans over, almost awkwardly pressing a kiss to my cheek before heading into the kitchen.
"I hope you're taking me to Hawaii again if you've won a sweepstakes." I joke weakly, following him.
"Want a beer?" He offers, walking to the fridge.
"Be careful, you have a sensitive system." I remind him as he hands me a bottle. I reach for the bottle opener and pop the lid off. When it flies onto the floor, Josh grabs it and tosses it in the trash for me.
"You always say that." He shakes his head, opening the pizza box to show me he has taken care of dinner tonight. "There is a salad in the fridge."
"Thanks." I smile, opening a cabinet to grab a bowl before pulling the garden salad. I notice it hasn't been touched, so once I toss it on the counter I grab a second bowl. "Do you want ranch or Italian dressing?"
"I don't want salad." He replies.
"You need vegetables." I answer, putting some lettuce into the bowl before sliding it over towards him.
"I had lettuce today." He argues, unbuttoning the top button of his shirt.
"On your burger." I state, pouring Italian dressing on top of his bowl, before adding some to mine.
"How do you know?" He glares suspiciously.
"I know everything." I shrug as stares at me before taking a hesitant bite. I have my ways of finding things out.
"Do you communicate with my staff?" He asks.
"You're just now figuring that out?" I question, taking a slice of pizza from the box. He shouldn't be surprised. Working across the White House doesn't quite sway my interest from keeping an eye on his well being.
"Ironic seeing as we're barely speaking to each other." He adds, taking another slice. His calling me out irritates me a bit, but I know Josh. It's his way of saying we need to talk about it. Either that or he's just mad at me right now and wants me to know it. However, mad Josh wouldn't buy my favorite pizza.
"Yeah." I mutter, taking another bite of the salad.
"Donna, I don't like this. I hate that we aren't ourselves and I hate that you let me think we were fine. You should have told me you weren't over it yet and let me know what the issue was." He admits, resting a hand on the counter as his voice gets louder. "I don't like that you're not okay with us. That means I'm not okay with us either and I'm a little nervous that this all ends with us not getting married. And if you think that I don't want to marry you…you're actually insane."
"Calling me insane isn't a good way to start the conversation." I follow, wiping the corner of my mouth.
"No…no…" He waves, continuing his argument. "You are insane and I'm going to tell you why."
"Oh go on Josh…" I groan, waving him off, stuffing my face with pizza.
"I can't wait to marry you and I can't wait to have children with you and the kids thing was your idea first." He argues, proud of his point as he pokes his chest out. "You got the baby fever and then I got it and now I'm the one with the damn baby fever and you've checked out of our relationship."
"I'm not checked out." I rasp as I feel myself get angry with my hands going up in front of me as I throw my slice of pizza back into the box. "If I was checked out, I would have broken up with you. Like you did to me. You made me feel small and unimportant and like I didn't fit here."
"Okay…" Josh puts his hand up and steps forward as he lowers his voice. "I did and I tried to resolve it."
"I know, but clearly I am still upset about it." I argue as though we were back in the kitchen that day. "But I'm not checked out. I'm so checked in that I'm still here."
"You are and the more I think about it, I think that's fair." He insists, his face desperate and sad. "You have every right to feel what you're feeling and it's my job to try and help fix it."
"It is?" I ask, realizing that he's not getting angry with me. Instead, he just takes my hands and holds them steady as they shake. "What are you doing?"
"Donna, I'm crazy in love with you and the way I know I'm crazy in love with you is that I'm about to make a few suggestions, because I've been trying to figure out how we can fix this." He smiles, almost proud of himself. I want to yell at him for smiling and being attractive at this moment. I want him to feel as angry as I am, but instead he's really calm. "First, I'm just going to say it. I do want you to feel at home here, because to me you make this place a home. You have no idea how much I love you being here. And with the exception of that God awful candle you threw out, I actually do enjoy what you bring into the house. I was just crabby and it got out of control, but you're not going to believe me right now."
"You're right about that." I glare, trying not to give in to his attempt at being romantic.
"So, we can do a few things." He nods, pressing a kiss to my hand. "We can buy a place together so you know for a fact it is your place, but to me that feels like putting a bandage on something you're really upset about. I mean…eventually we're going to need a bigger place anyways, but right now I don't think that's the solution."
"Okay." I pull my hands from his and cross them over my chest as I lean against the counter. "I think you're right about it being a bandage."
"Right?" He smiles, nodding. "Proud of me for realizing that?"
"Go on with your list." I warn, picking my pizza back up and taking a bite. I want to smile, because he's trying. I appreciate that he's trying and I wish my being upset wasn't putting a damper on us, but I have to get over this.
"I think we need to go to counseling." He blurts out, standing in front of me with pride covering his face. I guess I wasn't expecting it, because I choke on a piece of sausage and wind up coughing as he pats my back. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah…" I wince, coughing into my arm as I clear my throat and feel my entire body turn red. "Did you say counseling?"
"Stanley's idea." He answers confidently. "I spoke with him today and he said he can refer us to a list of therapists who can help us before and after marriage."
"You want to see a therapist with me?" I ask, still trying to get my bearings back.
"Well no." He admits honestly, then steps in front of me again as he hands me the beer to take a sip. "But I know for a fact it works and I think we need it."
"You do?" I ask, before placing my lips to the bottle.
"Yes." He confirms, taking the bottle from me. "I think we need to work through what happened…both things that happened."
"You do?" I frown as he sits the bottle behind me.
"I think we need to talk to someone about everything." He answers and I feel the sadness come over the both of us, but he still stands firm. He's trying. He's been trying and I can see that. It's what makes me feel guilty for being upset at all. It makes me feel insensitive for feeling the way that I do. "Donna, I want to fix us. I don't want us to break up, because we didn't handle things when we needed to. I don't want to break up and I don't want to lose you."
"Me either." I breathe as he puts a hand to my face. Josh has a way of consoling me and at this moment I think maybe we'll be okay. "Would you really go to therapy for us?"
"Donna, I think we should have the moment we had the fight." He suggests, stroking my cheek. "Now I think we need to get past it and to cope with the other thing."
"The baby." I say for him, releasing a deep breath.
"Yeah." He admits, before leaning forward to kiss the top of my head. "Donna, I would do anything to fix this right now and while I think sometimes it can be a joke, it has helped me and I think it can help us get over this hump."
"Okay…" I nod, looking up at him. "I love you. I don't want you to think this is about me not loving you or not wanting to be with you. I do love you and I do want to be with you."
"I know." He says, moving his mouth down to my lips. "I love you too. Very much."
"So, we're going to try and fix this?"
"We will fix this." He corrects me, placing his hands on each side of me. My body immediately warms as he presses a soft kiss to my neck. "But what we can't do is tiptoe around each other and avoid each other. We're going to work on this together and coexist as a couple, because I am that crazy about you."
"You are?" I question, feeling a little relieved that he's invested in fixing the issue that we're facing. I trail my finger on the collar of his shirt.
"It's insane how crazy about you that I am…and honestly if you wanted to bring that candle back in the house because it made you happy…I would just suck it up." He offers, with a light laugh.
"We don't have to have that same candle." I giggle weakly, pressing my lips into his.
"Thank god." He sighs dramatically, pressing his forehead to mine. "We are going to be okay."
"Promise?" I whisper, because no matter how I am feeling, I love this man with all my heart. He's my other half and I know he made a mistake. I have questions and fears, but I believe he wants to fix it. I also believe that he wants me to feel secure in our upcoming marriage and he's willing to address the doubts and concerns I have.
"I promise." He says quietly, entangling his fingers in my blonde locks. "But I may fire whoever is reporting my food habits to you."
"I won't name my sources." I say quietly, moving my hands to his chest. I don't want to be intimate, but I do want to be close to him tonight. I don't like when we're at odds, because it feels like we're freezing each other out. Instead, we stand there in the kitchen while he occasionally kisses my head. "Can we lay down together?"
"I would like that." He smiles, letting go of me. "I'll put the pizza away and then I will join you."
"Okay…" I smile, before heading to the living room. I admit that us deciding to talk about it makes me feel a little bit better. It helps a lot that he has made the suggestion of counseling, because I think the issue of the miscarriage is a huge factor in why I am struggling to feel relaxed about us. I need to share with him why I feel like it makes everything seem like he only fixed it due to that. I know he didn't, but the voice in my brain doesn't let up and I think it's better if we work through it together than apart. So tonight there isn't screaming and there isn't me going to stay somewhere else. Tonight, I'll fall asleep in his arms and feel like maybe we will resolve this and come out better because of it. I want us to be together and a couple working through these issues instead of away from them. I'll do whatever it takes to be on the road to forever with Josh.