There is something about the smell of cocoa butter lotion that I love. When I first bought the bottle, the scene made me a little nauseous but it has grown on me. I massage it into my stomach and around my thighs, delighted by the feeling and light glow it leaves on my pale skin. I hear the shower shut off and assume Josh is finished and will be out any moment to get ready for work. He leaves for Europe today with the President for about two weeks and I hate to see him go. Especially now. Yesterday was our one year anniversary of marriage and we spent the day together. He made me breakfast in bed, then we went to a little market and lunch, of course there was a whole evening of sex, because Josh is Josh and I am me and that's something we do pretty well. Then Josh surprised me by hiring a private chef to come prepare dinner and dessert, before we watched a movie and of course, more sex. It is our first year of marriage after all.
I rest my hands on my stomach, crossing my legs and waiting proudly as I wait for Josh. I imagine it's not a flattering position for a woman who is thirty five weeks pregnant, but I'm comfortable and Braxton Hicks are kicking my ass this morning. Each one makes my stomach feel incredibly tight, but I don't want to show too much that they're bothering me. Josh is really worried about leaving me for as long as he is, so both of our mothers are flying in over the next week to be with me when I am not still working. I am going to stay on working until I bust. They've offered me a lighter schedule, but I am actually doing quite well and I love my job. Josh and I have, however, decided that before the baby comes, we need to make some decisions about our future. Our jobs. Our living situation changed a few months ago and we bought a four bedroom house with a backyard and plenty of space. Josh and I picked it out together, plotting the nursery to be right next to our room. The still unfinished nursery. Thankfully the painters will be here on Saturday to paint and the crib is in a box in our hallway. It's a work in progress, but I am determined to get it done by the time our baby gets here.
"Hey." Josh walks out of the bathroom, a towel tied around his waist as he walks to his dresser. "Listen, if you think two and a half weeks is too long, I can work from The White House. It isn't absolutely a deal breaker for me to stay back."
"Josh…it's your last trip before the baby." I groan, massaging my stomach as the cramp tightens. "I think this will be good for you."
"It's my last international trip." He reminds me, pulling the towel off. I try not to stare or get turned on, but I bite my lip. My hormones have been insane lately. Josh must notice, because he walks over to the bed to kiss my nose before he slides his boxers on. "I also have a trip scheduled to Memphis, one to Florida and Oregon before your due date."
"Cutting it close, my crazy traveler." I smile. I was taken off of any traveling a couple of weeks ago, before my doctor banned me from it. Josh and the First Lady made the decision that it was time for me to be in Washington after a brief scare that landed Josh and I in the ER in San Francisco. It was simply that I had done a workout class, cleaned up and gone on Air Force One, attended multiple events and gotten a little overworked. The doctor's didn't limit anything, but said I had indeed overdone it. In heels nonetheless. Josh also ordered me about twelve pairs of flats to wear after the fact and while I sometimes still sneak some heels, the flats are amazing. "Hopefully she doesn't come before then."
"She just can't come when I am in Europe." Josh counters nervously. He's terrified that something will happen while he's gone, but I keep telling him most first babies are late. We had an appointment four days ago and the doctor said I wasn't showing any signs of labor and that the baby wasn't even in position yet.
"Josh." I smile, as he climbs onto the bed. "She won't come when you're in Europe and I think she would like us to settle her room and her name first."
"I still like the name Edna." Josh teases, moving his hands over my stomach. "Edna Ruth Delores Lyman. I want her to be born a seventy-five year old woman so no boys will ever dare come around her."
"Her name isn't going to dictate whether she's hot or not." I giggle, moving my hand over his. A split second later, my stomach starts to stretch and the false contraction comes back. "Ooo…"
"Braxton Hicks?" He questions, leaning forward and pressing a concerned kiss against my stomach.
"Yeah." I nod, catching my breath. "As long as I can talk through them, we're good."
"Maybe I should call The President and tell him I am going to work from here." Josh reaches for his phone and I stop him. "What?"
"Josh, this is the biggest thing you'll ever do." I remind him, placing a hand on his cheek. "She and I will be okay. I'll just be a much bigger whale when you return."
"Okay, you aren't a whale." He laughs, pressing a kiss to my cheek. "But you do waddle."
"I do not." I glare, slapping his arm. I've gained a healthy amount of weight and I actually love being pregnant, but I do not waddle.
"You do and everyone agrees it's very cute." Josh places his palm on my stomach, trying to urge our baby to kick or do something he can feel. I want to prove to him that I don't waddle, but sometimes I swear he's damn near perfect when it comes to our baby. I think he's nervous and terrified to be a father. I think he puts a bit of a wall up about it occasionally, but when his hand is on my stomach, my world explodes. I can see that the Europe trip scares him even more than just the plain worry of my going into labor. I think he hates missing the moments of the pregnancy. He's been there for all the big things, he's even jumped out of bed to get me something I am craving and made it to a few appointments. But he's also missed a few things and that really bothers him. I had him on the phone when the doctor told us we were having a girl and he vowed he would never miss another moment like that again. Two weeks later he missed the first time she kicked. I explained to him that the chances of him being there were slim. I was working, so was he. Also, I would feel it before he ever could, but it bothered him. That's why we decided we would discuss our future. So he doesn't feel like he's missing the moments. "I hope she looks like you. Although I think a mini Donna Moss and the real Donna Moss ganging up against me could be fatal for my health."
"Oh stop it." I laugh through the next mini contraction. Only it isn't really that mini, it actually hurts pretty bad as a cramp rages on. The pressure in my pelvis means I am probably going to have to go to the bathroom. Pregnancy be damned. I don't want to worry him, so I just smile. "You know, we're entering our last weeks of me getting to fully embrace being naked at home."
"How do you figure?" He frowns.
"Well once we have the baby, we'll have visitors and then before we know it, we'll have a little one able to walk around and…"
"Donna…one thing we are going to have to figure out is how I keep you naked as often as possible." He jokes, rubbing his hand on my thigh. "I want you to feel as free and happy with your freedom to be nude. It's your right."
"You're an idiot." I laugh, unfolding my legs. One thing that drives me nuts about pregnancy is the need to pee every five minutes. Josh doesn't bother asking where I am going anymore, because my bladder needs a reset every time I get comfortable. Great sleep is a distant memory and won't be a friend for the next several months, I imagine. "When do you need to leave?"
"I have to be there in an hour." He says, reaching for his watch. "I'm going to make you an egg or something before I go."
"I'm capable of making my own egg, but I was actually going to get something in the Mess." I say, cracking the bathroom door. As soon as I do, I feel a lot of pain and pressure, noticing the hurt on my reflection in the mirror. Damn. As the pregnancy goes on, I've noticed they get a little more frequent, but I don't usually have them as long as I have this morning and they don't usually result in a ton of pressure in my pelvis. I push my hair back, resting a hand on the counter. "Besides, I want a bagel."
"Well, you should be eating more frequently, so I'm still going to feed you an egg!" He shouts as I hear him enter the closet. I came in here to pee, but instead I'm riding out the Braxton Hicks as I lean against the counter, waiting for it to pass. The pressure inside my stomach suddenly stops, the release of pain lifting from my body and I smile. We're back in business. I turn to the toilet and hear a pop, and then I feel wet. I peed myself. Did I pee myself? No…I didn't. I look down at the floor and it's wet, but then I realize none of that makes sense. Then it clicks. Everything falls into place and I find myself looking around the bathroom for a towel. I grab the one I used to shower with yesterday and drop it on the floor, sliding it around with my foot. "Josh!"
"Yeah?" He calls as I pull the door open, buttoning his shirt. I don't know what to say for a moment, he just looks at me to urge me to speak as he walks closer to the bathroom. "Donna, what?"
"You can't go to Europe." Is all I can get out at first, but he just looks at me blankly. I realize the liquid is still coming and there is no turning back.
"What?" He asks, a small smile forming on his lips, but it's more out of curiosity.
"Josh, my water just broke." I say, before I realize I have started crying. I keep telling him how scared I am, not realizing if I'm actually speaking out loud or if he just knows, because he's reassuring me that everything is going to be okay and telling me to sit, because he'll finish the hospital bag packing. Another thing I had said I would finish before he returned home. We're having a baby and now I'm terrified. Terrified of the pain, the big step and being parents. I'm afraid of so many things and I can't even think of them all right now. Mostly, I just want Josh. He promises he's not going anywhere. I believe him. Still, this is the scariest thing I've ever experienced. The rest of our life is about to start and Josh definitely isn't leaving town.
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Josh's mother was right. The moment that Josh held his first baby, he was going to shine as a father and nothing has ever been so true. He's been a father for all of four hours and he's already the best at it. Our little daughter Grace Leora Lyman entered the world, five weeks early and after thirty hours of labor. It was long and grueling, but just when I was ready to give up, she was ready to appear. There was this unspoken moment between Josh and I that sealed our bond the rest of the way. As he cried when she did, he just kissed me and that was it. Gracie wasn't going to be our last, but she was starting our life over and I've never been more in love in my entire life. With her and her father.
Now, as I nurse our small and mostly healthy baby, Josh is out taking our mother's back to the house from the airport. He's also grabbing me the biggest burger he can find, because I'm starving. I watch as our tiny girl falls asleep on my breast, half laughing, because she sort of looks like a drunk version of her father. Our biggest goals are to work on her lungs a bit (she'll be back and forth to the NICU, but is actually doing very well.) and to get her weight up. Still, we're so grateful. I don't know how I could love someone more than I do right now. Josh and Grace are my entire world. She begins to stir and I try to urge her to eat some more, but I think she's more interested in getting some shut eye. Her little whimpers aren't really cries, but squeaks. "Grace, you're the cutest and most magical thing I have ever seen in my life."
Nothing. Just perfection. Just as I start to tear up for the millionth time, the door opens and Josh walks in with a large carry out bag and two large drinks. I'm crying, but my face lights up as he walks in. He immediately lights up, walking to the bed and presses a kiss to my lips and places his hand on the back of my neck. "Hormones?"
"I'm so happy." I admit, wiping my eyes as I hold our baby.
"Me too." He breathes, sitting the bag and drinks on the table next to the bed. "I brought us burgers, fries and drinks. I also brought you your first diet Pepsi, because if I recall during labor you said you deserved one."
"I do deserve it." I beam, looking down as Grace squeaks again. "I think she's done eating."
"Is she still latching?" He questions quietly, placing my meal on the bed. He leans over, pulling Gracie's little cap off her head. "Toby was right. They come with hats."
"Well…technically I bought this one at a Nordstrom Rack." I giggle tiredly, my fingers stroking the soft dark hair. "She's not blonde."
"No she's not." He chuckles, holding his arms out as I hand her over to him. He's a natural already, supporting her little head and keeping her close to him. "You eat."
"I'm starving." I admit, trying not to burst into tears as I watch the way his face becomes so sweet and full of admiration for this small miracle. "And I thought I was going to kill you when they offered for you to go down to the cafeteria and eat."
"I know, it's why I avoided eye contact." Josh laughed, pressing a kiss to Grace's forehead. "Plus, I thought it was nice of CJ to sit with you for a little bit. Some female bonding over the miracle of childbirth."
"Glad you thought so." I laugh weakly, taking a sip of my diet Pepsi and let out a moan. "Crap. That's the best Diet drink I have ever had."
"Don't moan like that…" He warns, holding up Grace as to remind me there is a baby present.
"Sicko." I say, taking a bite out of the burger. I swear I am either starving or this is the greatest meal on earth. Nothing could ever compare. I have had no real food except jello and animal crackers since before I went into labor. The snacks were slim picking while I waited for our room and the hospital meals would start up. "We were right to wait until we saw her to name her."
"Definitely." He smiles, admiring his daughter. We had narrowed it down to three first names during the slow part of labor. Addie. Grace. Cecilia. Holly. Then when she came out, Josh looked at me and said, "Grace, but we can call her Gracie." I just smiled and nodded. Our little Gracie. It was the perfect name for someone so…extraordinary. "She looks like Grace Lyman and it's one of those sarcastic names I have called you over the years."
"Is it just me, or is she actually perfect?" I ask around the big bite in my mouth.
"Not just you. She's perfect." Josh assures me,moving to sit on the bed. I hold a fry out, sliding it into his mouth as I lean over and kiss our child's cheek. Our child. Our baby. He's the father of my baby. "You dozed off earlier right after and I counted all her fingers and toes."
"I did that while you were gone right after I cried for thirty minutes about going back to work." I admit, pressing a kiss to his shoulder.
"You have six weeks of maternity leave." He reminds me, adjusting the monogrammed blanket around Grace.
"I know but…I just think I realized what I need to do." I look down at Grace, a bit nervous to share my thoughts with him. He frowns and I kiss his shoulder again, before reaching for another french fry. "Josh, I'm going to do my maternity leave and go back to work, but I wanted to talk about the idea of maybe going back long enough to help train someone to take over my position."
"You want to leave your job?" He asks, but doesn't show much more of a reaction. I get nervous to continue, because I don't want him to think I just never want to work again. Although at this moment, I kind of wish my full time job was to stare at my baby for the rest of my life. "I mean, let's talk about it. Let me know what you've been thinking about."
"You're doing a really important job." I begin, but he immediately stops me.
"Your job is important too." He says firmly and I nod. He's proud of the work he does and the work I do. I know that. I'm proud of our work, but I'm most proud right now of the baby we made.
"I know, but hear me out." I respond, pushing my hair behind my ears. "I want you to finish the administration on a high note. We still have a few more years with the reelection and I think we can make a lot of changes, but Josh…I don't want a Nanny and I don't want both of us to leave her which will happen from time to time. If I am home, she always has at least her Mommy. If it's just you in the White House, I can bring her to visit and life can be a little more normal with her father being in the public eye. I want her to be a part of this amazing life we live, but I think the best way we can do that is by me exiting The White House."
"But you love working." He frowns, looking down at Grace. "You love the White House. You love your job."
"Yes, I do. Except, I want the administration to succeed more and it needs you. And I want to find something I love to do in Washington. I can still work." I remind him. "I can do something part time in another capacity or finally take one of those book deal offers to share some sort of my story. I have options. We have options. Grace is my option and I can pursue my career over the next few years while I am also home to raise our child. I'm not going to not work, but I want to try something else. We have options."
"We do." He smiles weakly, placing a hand over mine. "Well I had been thinking a bit too on the drive over, but it sounds like you have it worked out."
"What was your idea?" I ask as Grace begins to fuss again. I'm not finished eating, but she comes first.
"Private sector when we leave office." He replies, helping hand Grace over to me. "I think I'm going to want to give her and you every single thing you could ever want and I also could handle a job with a little more steady of a schedule. Maybe be a guy who coaches her soccer team or something."
"Or something." I giggle as I hold Gracie's head and she begins to latch.
"We'll be fine financially if you decide to do it." He says, almost reassuring me, because he knows I'll worry. "Between my savings account and my paycheck, we won't blow through money and we can still be comfortable while we navigate it. I wanted to always be prepared in an event like this."
"The perfect event." I look back at him, smiling weakly. "I'm not saying I feel like my job is less important or that I have to take a back seat. I feel like this is a front seat, because not only would I get to raise our child, but I can fall in love with a career. If I find I hate it, I can go back to politics and work for a congressman's office or take one of the many political analyst jobs I get offered and be on CNN a few days a week."
"You do look great on television." He smirks, pressing a kiss to my forehead. "Helen is going to lose her mind."
"I don't know." I shrug, biting my lip. "We've talked about the different options, so she may see it coming."
"She already knows, doesn't she?" Josh asks, with a smile on his face.
"She knows I was going to run it by you and thought I should take on one of the cable news jobs. Set times where I could be home at night or be gone only during nap time or when she goes to preschool." I admit, stroking Grace's cheek as she eats. "She called to check on me while you were out and she had a moment. She said she had time with her babies when they were little and she would support it as long as she and I could stay friends and have margaritas."
"I do like when you have margaritas." Josh laughs, placing a hand to the back of my head and pressing a kiss on my lips. "I think if it makes you happy, we should do it. I don't see how it could be bad and you could start our life on the outside of the White House. I'll join you in a few years."
"What do you think Grace?" I look down as Grace begins to fall asleep again. I drop my head in surrender, trying not to laugh. "You have to stay awake to eat, lady."
"Already rebelling." He jokes, taking my other hand. "Donna…I love you both so much. I won't even attempt to put how much into words, because I don't think it's possible. You just did the most amazing thing and I don't know how after over a day of labor, you're still awake and talking and more beautiful than ever."
He looks down between us, looking at our baby. "We made that. I can't get over it and I can't get over how much I love you."
"I love you too." I grin, taking a deep breath, the story of how we got here never far from my mind. The good stuff always outshines the bad. "And I was right."
"About?" He cocks an eyebrow.
"That you look really good with a baby." I say, kissing him again. Our little wonder squeaks between us as he deepens the kiss. Without intention, but full of love. I'm exhausted and I know I need to sleep, but at this very second I am so awake and content with holding my baby while my husband eats a burger and french fries with me. A year ago, leaving the Santos White House would have never even been the discussion. Except I have spent the last few weeks really thinking about life outside of those walls. It's not about his career being more important. Mine is just as important, but White House needs him. Santos needs him. His work in the White House isn't done. Mine almost is. I've had numerous offers over the years and I am ready to take one. Josh has offers come in daily, but the only thing I really want is to stay in Washington. I like being in the town where the big stuff happens. Except, the rest of the details can be worked out as needed, for now I want to look at my baby and my husband. The two very best things in my entire world.
GUYS! That's it, that's the story. I always wanted it to end with Josh and Donna contemplating what life would be like once they had another person depending on them. First they struggled a bit depending on each other, but they fought hard. A baby was so important to them, but their relationship wasn't perfect. It was a lot about them learning to make mistakes and recover. Ultimately learning just how important they were at the core. I hope you enjoyed this story. I loved bringing it to life, but ultimately getting to share it with you.