beastboy's perspective

I ran my left hand through my hair, pinching my eyes closed. I let out a strained sigh, as my mind began to make a mess of itself. I was sitting on the edge of my bed, attempting to accept the day's beginning. Raven wasn't in my room; I assumed she stepped out for a bit.

Everyday I felt like I was meeting myself for the first time. Except, I already had prior knowledge of what I went through the day before.

I met myself again everyday, in the sense that I mentally denied myself... causing myself to be a stranger. At times, what I was going through was too much to handle. My mind, as a defense mechanism, would psychologically dissociate me from myself, to make that pain a little number, and that numb a little more painful.

It was confusing to me, but it made sense, too.

Brushing my teeth was going well, but to maintain the habit, I had to change the toothpaste flavor everyday. I still had problems showering, but I found that it was easier to shower during the night. My sleep schedule was a mess even now, so I was working on that as well.

Following a simple breakfast of oatmeal and fruits, I decided to hang around with the boys in the common room.

Robin and Cyborg were intensely competing in a video game. I slouched on the other end of the sofa, perusing through a manga.

"Cyborg, I will unplug you if you cheat." Robin grunted, pelting his fingers on the control.

The half-robot replied, "I'll throw out your supply of hair gel if you do as much as lay a finger on me."

I chuckled to myself, finding my friends amusing.

"ROBIN!"

"What? This was my only shot, so I took it."

"No, no, no, NO."

The game chimed, then I shifted my gaze to the screen.

Robin was victorious.

"Cy, what's the matter? You look like you're about to combust." Robin teased.

He clenched his teeth, "You're about to look like a broken traffic light if you keep it up. Playin' games with you is a scam, I'mma go clean my car."

Cyborg left the room, cooling off from his loss.

"Hehh... Hey, Beastboy. Wanna play a round with me, since Tin Man's swimmin' in the Lake of Sorrow?"

"Ah, sure, Rob." I smiled weakly, put my manga aside, then picked up a control.

We began to select our characters, then commenced the match.

"So, how you been?" Robin asked.

"I've been up and down, Rob. Up and down. Had a weird start to the day, but I think it's getting a little better... and least I hope it is. Sorry that I've missed so many combats, missions, and I've been slacking on the chores."

"Hey, it's alright. Take your time to get back on your feet. We're all here to back you up and fill in for you until you recover. All of those things aren't nearly as important as your mental health and well being."

As much as Robin and I didn't see eye to eye, he was an understanding person. Being that we were both on opposite ends of the personality pole, and we simply had a different way of thinking, we've had a history of clashing together.

Despite that, in dire situations, I knew I could always count on Robin for support: as he could to me. When the going got tough, Robin especially made sure to put aside his demeanor of a leader, and wear the character of a friend.

"Thanks for understanding, Rob. How have you been holding up?"

"I'm alright. I've got my anxiety and compulsions as per usual, but I've learned to live with them." he smashed his thumb on a button, squinting his eyes.

"Pain in the ass. Sorry you gotta deal with that."

"It's... fine. I mean, it isn't, but what can you do? Pain's a part of life whether we like it or not. Everyone will experience it, but it's what you do with it is what matters. You can either use pain to hurt others or yourself, or use it to help."

"Couldn't have said it better."

"If I can ask, what's been going on?"

I exhaled deeply, reluctant in my response.

Robin paused the game, giving me his undivided attention.

"My parents. Their death anniversary passed a few months ago. Usually, I feel off on those kinda milestones, but this one absolutely crushed me."

"Gosh, I'm so sorry. I didn't even know."

"It isn't your fault, I didn't tell anyone. I just let it eat me alive, 'cuz that's kinda what I knew to do best."

"I understand. Losing my parents was definitely the worst thing that has happened to me. Moving on has never been easy. People make it seem that way, but most times, the more you move forward, is the harder it gets."

"For sure."

"When they fell from that trapeze, I felt so... I can't even find the word. I had no choice but to watch them fall—watch them die. I wish I had the power to save them, but I had nothing. I was human. From that day, I've been struggling to accept that incapable, flawed, human part of myself. The part that can't fix everything, the part will eventually fail."

In that moment, I realized Robin was a lot like me.

He and I both watched our parents die, couldn't do anything about it, and still pressure ourselves because we believe we could have fixed the situation. It helped a lot that I could confide in someone with a similar affliction.

The game control loosened in my hands.

"Yeah, same here. I watched Mom and Dad die right before my eyes, and I wish harder and harder everyday that, that didn't happen."

"Yes, grief... Grief is not only remembering warm memories, laughter, and things a loved one has said. To be honest, sometimes those reminisces hurt even more, because you wish you could have more of that kind of stuff. But, grief is like a cloud that hangs over your head. Some days you may feel it less than others, but it is always there. It's agonizing, it makes you feel alone, and it makes you feel like... you will never get out alive,"

He paused, barely letting out a sniffle.

"I feel like my my heart's been ripped out and has been bleeding since my parents passed away. Sure, I have lots of things to be grateful for. I live in a tower with four amazing friends that are family, really. I have food, I have clothes, and I'm in good health. But, none of that takes away the fact that I still mourn... that my parents are no longer with me."

"That..." my voice cracked, "That's exactly it."

"When we're given these heavy, pressing pains to carry, the worst thing we can do is carry them alone. I think that's what you've been trying to do for the longest while. Maybe, this bout of depression that you're in is both a pain, and a lesson. It hurts, because you're reliving all that you've gone through and repressed. It's also a teaching moment, because you're learning how to bear the pain with others, and heal."

"It sucks, but I'm grateful for it. I've learned a lot about myself... and that I'm never alone, even though that's the illusion my pain gives me. Without all of this crap, I wouldn't be who I am."

"Exactly. I don't say it enough, but I'm proud of you, Beastboy. You've come a really long way. Giving up is easy, but sticking the pain out and using it for good is the hardest job out there."

I pat his shoulder kindly, "Dang right. Kudos to you, too, Rob. And thanks for listening to me."

"No problemo. Now, let me continue on my way to a second victory." Robin resumed the game, leaning forward in anticipation.

"Oh, no you don't! I'mma take the "W" for both Cy and I."

"I dare you."

My mouth curved into a competitive smirk, "Bet."