beast boy's perspective

The darkness of night washed away the bright, colorful day. The pale moon shone like a silvery disk in the sky. The temperature cooled, a chilly nip crept through my curtains, lifting the goosebumps on my neck. After a dinner of pizza with the team, everyone fled to do their own activities.

I was in my room, standing at the dresser. I gripped the edge of the furniture, glowering at the mirror on the surface. The green in my knuckles nearly turned white, whilst my bare hands began to tremble against the wood. I held onto the dresser so tight, I felt like my joints would snap in half. An uncomfortable hotness developed in my cheeks, almost as if it were to burn my flesh.

My nose became red at the tip. My head started to twist and turn, in all of those painful shapes I've encountered a thousand times before. I hoped that me clasping onto the dresser for support would keep the pain from knocking me off my feet—and that my mind had enough mental fortitude to endure the meltdown.

I let myself break.

I tried to hold it in, I tried to swallow it down and let it roll over... but I let it out. Like a cloud, instead of suppressing the water inside me, I released it. One tear warmed my cheek, then the next, and then the next—and I found myself in a brutal crying spell.

As I cried, the reflection the mirror displayed to me shook in water. My reflection was drowning, the world around me was drowning, which left me no choice but to drown.

My eyes burned as beads of water dripped from them, and a sting grew in my nose and throat. My face wrinkled, as if it wanted to get rid of every smile I had left in me.

I was losing the feeling of feeling.

I wasn't someone who cried like in the movies: pretty and presentable. My cries were uproars. Noisy, strained, raw sobs that shook me to the core. I cried violently, as the world around me faded. Every sight, every sound, every taste, every smell, every feeling. I felt like I was listening to someone else cry, I couldn't believe it was me.

I gave the mirror one more look, wondering if it was lying to me. I hoped, that maybe this was all a hallucination I always got high from.

But it wasn't.

The pain was real, the moment was real, and I was real.

Beasts I didn't even know I had began to unfold in front of me. As someone who had the ability to turn into every animal, I felt weaker than the animals I was desperately battling against.

"Gar?" a light knock fell on the door.

I didn't answer, and kept a bloodshot stare on my reflection.

"Gar, are you in there?"

The door swooshed open, and I eyed Raven in my peripheral view.

She seemed to freeze in motion, instantly growing quiet.

"Gar, what's going on—"

I hissed through my teeth, "Oh, nothing, I'm fine. Got nothin' goin' on, just causally holding onto a dresser for dear life, crying when I feel like it, no biggie."

"Stop telling me that you're fine when you aren't." Raven insisted sternly.

I snapped, "No matter what I tell you, that won't change the fact that I'm tearing myself apart right now!"

Clear, watery snot trickled from my nose, to my twitching lips. I managed to release a few more dry, racking sobs. My lungs were sore from breathing, and my heart was weary from beating. I wished that tears could wash all of my suffering away, but they were a reminder that my pain existed.

"God, I try. I try. I try to hold it together and keep at it. Just when I think I've got it..." I drew in my breath sharply.

"You fall apart again, and that's okay."

"Sure it is. That's why every time it happens, I end up worse than the last time!" I jerked, shaking the dresser and the objects on it.

"Gar," Raven stepped closer to me, apprehensively.

"Look at me."

I kept my eyes to the floor.

She requested softly, "Gar. Look at me. Please."

I traced a disgruntled gaze to my partner's eyes.

"Breathe. Just breathe."

I attempted to train my uneven breaths, as they still broke into wheezes every five seconds.

"What you're having, is a relapse. Those are normal... particularly in a period of intense pain. We've got to think this through, one second at a time. Are you ready?"

My head rolled back to the mirror, and my breathing began to escalate. The wood began to quake in my hands, and a low grunt vibrated in my throat.

"Gar! Gar. Listen, you can do this. Focus, and pull yourself back together." Raven coached, resting her hand on mine.

I panted, my dark lashes brimming heavy with tears. My nostrils flared as I struggled not to explode all over again.

"You got it. I'm right here with you."

I coached my breathing as much as I could handle with sobbing spasms and the urge to tip over the edge. After about five minutes of cold silence, I spoke.

"Rae, turn on the light, please."

My partner switched on the lights, "Sure."

"I've gotta show you something." I peeled off my shirt, resting it on the dresser.

"Look." I turned around so my back was facing her.

Her voice was a fragile whisper, "What... happened?"

"Everything. Some of it was from my father, others from those kidnappers I told you about, and Galtry added to it, too."

"Can I..."

I sniffed, "Yeah, you can. I trust you."

Raven traced her hand, starting at my left shoulder blade. I knew every mark like the alphabet, and recited as her hand toured my flesh. Her finger trailed across a series thick, jagged scars. My injuries were never treated or stitched, so they all healed in crooked stripes.

"Those... were from my father. He beat me once when I was younger... I don't even remember why. All I remember is having those cuts sting me for days on end."

She trailed her soft finger tracked down a little further, more to the right.

I barely winced, "That, opens every once in a while... it's kind of annoying. Those kidnappers I told you about, the ones that wanted me to use my powers for crime. I wasn't always ready to do anything that they said. One of them shot at me and luckily enough, the bullet grazed me. Those guys really didn't care if the bullet just missed me or hit me straight in the chest. Thankfully, all I walked away with was a wound a couple inches deep."

Raven touched another broken path of cicatrices. This is the first time I let anyone see or touch my scars. Having the grace of Raven's delicate touch roam over my wounds pained me to a point of healing. Warm tears returned to my eyes, and slipped out.

Her voice was tender, but the type of tender that resulted from pain.

"Gar, some of these haven't even recovered fully."

"Mhm, I know. Sometimes, if I fall hard on my back, they may tear open a bit."

Raven's magic sparked, "I can use some of my magic to help heal them."

I refused, "There's not much healing to do. They're all scars already."

She dimmed her powers, then I faced her.

"Rae, those marks. I wear them both with pain and pride, but they make me stronger. I wear them as a daily reminder, that everything I've went through is behind me, and that I've gotta keep moving forward." I placed my hands in hers, and she examined them.

My partner's eyebrows angled, and her amethyst eyes appeared to be glassy. She stroked her fingers around the palm and the back of my hands.

My hands were calloused and bruised, being another physical evidence of my history. Some of the markings were from climbing trees back at my native land. The palm of my hand scratched across bark and rocks. Other gashes were proof that my hands were the only defense I could find against the evil of my childhood.

"I've... never seen your hands without gloves on. I would've never imagined seeing this in a million years."

"I'm glad that there's some of it on my back, 'cuz I'd hate to have to look at it so much."

"Understandable. I'm really, truly sorry this happened to you. I know that you've got some scars up here, too," Raven gently tapped my temple, "But they'll heal. Like you said, they collapse occasionally, then close back. It's all a part of the process. It's perfectly fine if you break during healing,"

The pads of her thumbs brushed against my skin, as she locked her index fingers and middle fingers around my ears.

"You need to, actually. It isn't realistic to recover from something if you're sky-high all the time. Also, I think it's very brave of you to wear your scars how they are. That says a lot."

Some part of me shifted to a place of peace. The ruckus in my head became lighter, and I was able to see past the thick film of anger. A pair of tears left Raven's eyes as her lips bent into a weak smile.

"This is who you are, Gar. You're scarred, you're in pain, and you're broken. I promise, I'm going to love you. The days where you've got it together, the days you don't. I'm backing you up, behind every scar and silent battle, I always will. Do you understand?"

"I do." I replied gently.

"You sound like you're at a wedding ceremony." Raven joked.

"Maybe... I am?"

She frowned playfully, "No."

"Hehe. All jokes aside... I am so grateful for you, Rae. You've seen me in my worst, and you never once complained or backed out. You're someone I always dreamed of loving," I sniffled, wiping a tear from her cheek, "Thank you."

I angled myself in a few centimeters, meshing my lips with Raven's. Her tongue wandered curiously with mine. Her gesture and taste calmed me immediately. My hands snuck to the slope of her waist as the kiss grew sweeter.

Passion and care was in every breath we breathed together... and I loved it. I was seeing a world outside of the one I was in, even with my eyes closed. I wanted to stay there, in the hearth of Raven's love, and so close to her.

I felt safe, I felt at peace, I felt loved.

This kind of feeling hurt too good.

I parted our lips, rested my forehead on Raven's, and breathed her air.

"I love you." I confessed for the first time.

"I love you, too." she rasped affectionately.

"I'm gonna go take a shower and clear my head for a bit. When I come back, wanna cuddle up?"

"Of course. While you're doing that, I'll catch up on the chapter of my book."

I backed away, leaving my room, "Alright. See you in a bit."