Stats
Ranks:
Kris: *Human: LV1*
Susie: *Mean girl: LV1*
Ralsei: *Lonely Prince: LV1*
Equipment:
Kris: Wooden Blade
Susie: Mane Axe
Ralsei: Red Scarf
Items: Glowshard, Manual, Cell Phone.
Money: Completely broke
After defeating Dio Brando, the three 'heroes' made their way out of a forest of dark trees dotted with small star candy and into a market square. The fluffiest of the three quickly gestured to the market of Rudinns, Jigsawrys, shadowmen and, of course, weird monotone Addisons.
"This is the market that I was talking about earlier. Here we can stock up on equipment and items that we'll need for our quest!" The fluffy boi dutifully explained. He had a mysterious and strange appearance, essentially being a cloaked shadow form walking around in a green witch's hat and dress. All that could be determined of his true appearance was the shape of two horns poking out in his hat. He also had big, circle rim glasses, a pink scarf, and very fluffy fur that destroyed any form of intimidation he could possibly have. He nervously gave a big smile to his two other companions. Neither of them returned it.
"Dude, you said that like a minute ago." The significantly purpliest and meanest party member deadpanned. She looked like the rebellious child of Barney with a bad-boy black jacket with yellow spikes, combat boots, sharp teeth, and a big mane of purple hair obscuring her eyes. The fluffy one winced at her snark, but nervously chuckled at the comment. Turning her attention to the market, she looked at the assortment of weirdos in this 'market', which for some reason was just some randomly set up cardboard stalls in a forest. There weren't any roads or any buildings indicating any kind of civilization, at least aside from this one weird cloth shop that seemed to come out of nowhere. They just all decided to set up shop in the middle of a forest.
The final and bluest member of the party stared blankly at the market. They were apparently a human in a knight's armor with shaggy dark blue hair with light blue skin for some inexplicable reason. "Ralsei, how much money do we have?" They spoke in a monotone, tired voice.
Ralsei chuckled nervously, "Ummmmmmmmm, wellllllll. I don't have any Dark Dollars. Did you happen to have any Kris?".
"So then our first objective is to get more money." they concluded. Then without any more words, Kris simply walked off toward one of the stalls. With nothing better to do, the other two followed. The only girl of the group suspiciously stared at the nervous fluffy boi, "Wait, aren't you a prince? How the hell are you broke as me and Kris?"
"I lost to a villain the other day, and he took all my money." Ralsei sheepishly grinned, "but that's okay! I'm sure with your help, we can save the land and make a lot of friends!".
Susie covered her eyes with a hand and groaned, "Why am I even putting up with you losers?".
Ralsei gulped and answered in a small, pitiful voice, "B-because we're three heroes of legend?". Susie gave a flat stare to the very throwable weenie in front of her, but before she could do anything the bluer member of their party spoke up.
"Because we're about to get paid." Kris answered. Ralsei and Susie looked back to their other party members who had found something useless to stand on. They were already starting to get some onlookers staring at the group.
"Oh excellent Kris! Ralsei ran up to his companion, "You must be really good at this?". What 'this' was wasn't really apparent to Susie or even the penniless prince, but for their own separate reasons looked on to see what Kris's plan was.
"Ralsei hugs! Get your Ralsei hugs!" Kris shouted in the most stereotypical salesman voice either of the other two had ever heard. To say it was cheesy was an understatement, it was more like it was like the artificial cheese powders that were used in those really cheap microwave macaroni lunches. "Get them now before the poor fluffy boy starves from malnutrition! Only 3 dark dollars per hug!". A small crowd of darkners began eyeing Kris's little box, and even a few started shuffling forwards to give some money for hugs. Ralsei wasn't sure how to feel about this. He still gave out hugs of course, but something about this scheme didn't sit right with his altruistic, kind heart.
After giving three hugs to each head of a multi headed cat, which Kris made pay for each hug, Ralsei whispered to his new blue companion "Uh, Kris?".
Kris glanced at him for a moment, before shouting out again with their laughably bad salesman voice, "Ralsei hugs! Ralsei hugs! Now only 3 dark dollars per hug!". They turned back to Ralsei again.
Ralsei thought for a moment, before deciding on a soft approach. "I don't know how to tell you this, but isn't it unethical to make people pay for hugs? I know we need the money but shouldn't hugs be free?".
"No." Kris answered in their normal monotone voice.
"Um well…" Ralsei stammered. He looked back to Susie for support. She was sleeping. The prince panicked; he had no choice but to put his foot down! "I really think it is, Kris. Can we please stop charging them?" Ralsei meekly asked.
Kris let out a long, exasperated sigh, and pinched the bridge of their nose. "Ralsei, you aren't worthless, so I'm not selling you for free. In this world, people only value those who value themselves, so we have to put a price tag on you. Speaking of which…"
Kris put his cat poop trash salesman voice back on, "Also, Susie hugs for 100 dark dollars! Do you want to hug a giant girl, I know I do! Get now for only 100 DD!". The crowd started to look more interested.
"Wha-" Susie immediately woke up, "Wait a minute, what the hell Kris!?".
Kris's face crinkled into a small frown, "Yeah, you're right…" They switched back to the back-alley dumpster salesman voice, "Susie hugs! Now at 300 dark dollars!".
"Wait, why is Susie's hugs worth a hundred times more than mine?" Ralsei asked, rather understandably confused and very very very slightly offended.
"Again, HELL no!" Susie snarled, very very very offended.
Kris turned back to the both of them. "Law of supply and demand Ralsei. Susie doesn't hug anyone, so they're far more valuable. Let me show you." They turned back to the crowd and pointed at one small, blue, round boy. "You there! Would you like to hug a Ralsei or a Susie?".
The small child pointed at himself in mild surprise; his blue tongue stuck out of his mouth like he was some cartoon character pulled right out of the lonely toons. "You mean me?" Kris nodded. The little blue, bouncy, boy looked at his two with what was probably the keen gaze of a veteran of the playground, though his eyes were covered up in dark shadows. "Hmmm" The little boy mused, "Oh wow! It's toothpaste boy! And it's some big purple girl I've never seen before!".
Ralsei snapped out of his bafflement at Kris's actions and looked back at the speaker. "Oh GOLLY! It's Lancer!" Ralsei turned back at Susie, who had been screaming at Kris this entire time, and pointed an accusatory finger at the small child. "That's the villain that beat me up earlier and took all my money."
"Oh yeah, thanks for the money toothpaste boy! I got to use it all to buy the cheapest food item here that I got half off from being their boss!". Lancer grinned at the prince who was shaking with the mild anger of a fluffed-up puppy.
Susie broke from her own rage at the dumb, blue traitor before her, and looked back at Lancer. She then slowly and very judgmentally turned her head back to Ralsei. "That's a toddler. You got beat up and mugged by a flipping toddler?!" She spoke incredulously.
"Yep." Lancer answered helpfully for the prince.
Ralsei wilted under her gaze. "I mean, he is the King and Queen's son… He's super strong…" Susie glared at him with a disdain that practically shouted, 'I no longer want to even be associated with you anymore'.
Kris snapped their fingers, grabbing Lancer's attention once more. "Oh so you're royalty then? I'm upping the price. 400 Dark Dollars for Susie, 4 DD for Ralsei. Which do you want to hug?".
"Okay!" Lancer cheerfully agreed with all the innocence of a child who probably thought a scam artist was just a artist that painted scam. "Well, toothpaste boy already gave me a hug yesterday." Lancer mused, "And I've never been hugged by the purple girl before, so sure! I'll go with the purple girl, blue person I also don't know!". Kris gave a brief nod, before scooping the blue bundle up and tossing him into Susie's arms.
"WHAT?" Susie yelped, and caught Lancer in surprise, "KRIS!".
"Waiteth, whateth the fucketh?!" Lancer's guardian and the Duke of Puzzles, Rouxls Kaard, looked up from the magazine he was reading, puzzle masters weekly, to finally notice how his charge was scooped up away from him, "Lancer?!".
"Wow!" Lancer gushed, "I've never been held in such strong arms before! And I'm so high up! This is way better than toothpaste boy's hugs!".
Kris glanced over to Ralsei, "See, Susie's hugs are better." The little fluffy boy made a quiet grumble. Susie was silently caught between freaking out, between having the small child put into her hands and about five seconds of bashing Kris's face in. Kris faced the little blue, bouncy boy, "That'll be 400 DD."
Lancer gave a smile that 'Only a child with zero money sense could make at that cost', "Okay! Pay them, Lesser Dad!".
"Stopeth EVERYTHINGETH!" The apparent 'lesser dad?' yelled out, "Lancer! We aren'ist payingeth these rapscallions for a hug!". He paused for a second. "-eth." He added at the end.
The great Duke of puzzles gave the most disdainful and pompous look he could muster, "Now! Dropeth my chargeth, less thoust fools willeth faceth the… the…the?" His words died in his throat as he stared at Kris. While their companions and Lancer could not see, Kris's red eyes glared from beneath their normally long and messy hair. Their eyes were a glowing, dark red that somehow contrasted their light blue skin, giving off an aura of menace. They had dropped their 'fake and happy as a puppet' salesman voice for their natural, uncaring monotone voice. No, it wasn't quite that voice either. It was like their natural voice, but instead of sounding like the pure sound representation of a cheap, lazy, unemployed sweatpants it sounded more like those same kind of pants but with the distinct impression of a loaded handgun in one of the pockets.
"So you're refusing to pay up." Kris said. They summoned their sword in their hand.
After a brief moment of hesitation, The Duke hardened his resolve and put back on a sneer, "Of courseth. Paying for huggeth ist moronic! Thoust hugs shouldeth be freeth!".
Susie gave a far larger sneer with her large array of teeth that was called her mouth. "Those are some bold words when your kid's in face-biting distance." She growled, holding up Lancer who was still in her arms.
"WHAT" Ralsei whipped himself around to look at Susie in horror, nearly having his large green witch's hat fly off his fluffy head.
Lancer looked back at Susie's maw, "Oh yeah, I guess I am in face-biting distance." He cheerfully said, somehow oblivious to Susie's blatant threat for his soft, round baby face. Rouxls Kaard for his part, looked rather unconcerned as he simply snapped his dark blue fingers. Almost immediately, several large, blue and white beams shot down from the sky and struck the ground behind the Duke. To our three 'heroes' surprise, a whole platoon of enemies of Head Hathies, Rudinn Rangers, and Bloxers stood at the ready for the Duke.
The Duke gave a triumphant, malevolent grin, "Thou hast Bold wordes for committingeth treason." Ralsei and Susie both winced at the considerable number of enemies they had to face. Currently, they have no healing items. Ralsei tried giving a friendly wave, which was returned by some of the Head Hathies and Rangers before the Duke silenced those with a glare. Susie summoned her axe for the inevitable fight, though in doing so dropped Lancer so he could slide back out of the fight. Kris palmed themselves in the face for some reason.
"Noweth my Minionseth!" Rouxls Kaard commandeth, "Apprehendeth these-" Kris ran up and kicked him in the crotch. "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHH!" The Duke collapsed to the ground, a limp mess of mop-white hair and weak, noodle limbs. Susie and Lancer laughed out loud at the Duke's misery.
The minions looked at each other in confusion. Most of them had been summoned during their break hours. The poor Bloxers hadn't even had time to properly rearrange themselves before being rudely summoned by their obnoxious boss. They really had no idea what was going on at all. "Uh, what are we supposed to do?" One Rudinn Ranger asked, though with their main boss down there weren't any real instructions. "Attack that blue guy?" One of the Headhathies shrugged. "Wait, doesn't that guy look like the Duke, are they his relative?". Another asked. "They still attacked the Duke though." One of the Bloxers pointed out.
"He didn't pay us our money." Kris stated.
The crowd of darkner soldiers blankly stared at Kris.
"Oh! Oh!" Ralsei cried out with an idea, "Rouxls Kaard didn't pay us, when Lancer told him to! He violated a direct order from the King and Queen's Son. That's treason against the crown!".
All of the soldiers looked back at Lancer. "Huh, I guess toothpaste boy is right." Lancer said as if that legitimately hadn't occurred to him. He gave a classic bad guy grin, "Well Lesser Dad, I guess you're going to time out!". The minions looked at each other, shrugged and went with it.
"Hell yeah!" Susie grinned, "Send that jerk to prison."
Ralsei looked at Susie nervously, "Well he was just trying to do what he thought was right. So maybe prison is a little-" He let out a little squeak, as Susie punched his shoulder with a nasty grin that screamed 'Don't ruin this for me you little punk!'. Susie eagerly looked on to see the minions about to apprehend their own boss.
"THAT IST IT!" Rouxls Kaard screamed from the ground, just barely recovering from the mighty blow that rocked him down under. He pointed at his minions "THOUST FOOLS ART GOINGETH INTO THE DUNGONETH FOR THOUST INCOMPETANCE!". He pointed at Lancer, "WE ART GOINGETH TO HAVETH A CONVERSATION ABOUTETH SCAM ARTISTSETH!". Finally, he pointed at Kris, Susie, and Ralsei. "AND THOUST." He said with a rage that only a man who was just kicked in the crotch could feel, "THOUST ART OUTLAWS IN THESE KINGDOMETH!". Then many beams struck down from the sky, hitting all the enemy darkners to take them away, with one final shout "Rouxls Kaard OUTETH!". And with that, the Duke, his apparent Son?, and all of the soldiers were warped away back to wherever they came from.
With that, their little area of the market was empty besides Susie, Kris, and Ralsei. Battle victory? The group earned 0 Dark Dollars, new ranks, and drove all their previous customers away!
"Well." Ralsei broke the silence, "I guess that went well." He turned over to the others and gave a nice smile. "Hopefully, this will be the first of many victories against our destined foes, the King and Queen!". He triumphantly declared.
"Wait, those guys were our enemies?" Susie asked, "I thought his kid just mugged you because you were a nerd."
"Uh yeah? Weren't you listening to my big legend and exposition back at my castle? I told you both about the dark fountain and King and Queen?". Ralsei reminded her and Kris. Kris didn't seem to notice as usual. Susie flatly looked back at him.
"Dude." She started, "I really don't care for your destiny and make-believe stuff. I just ignored all of that." For perhaps the first time since she saw him, Ralsei huffed up and started to actually look offended. After all, he had spent like 5 hours in front of his mirror preparing his introduction, and she didn't even listen to it, even after he gave her the last of his cakes and food?! That was just mean!
"Kris." Ralsei whined to his other companion, "Please tell me you were listening!". He was desperately hoping that at least one of his new companions would listen to his introduction.
"He didn't pay us our money." Kris said.
Ralsei and Susie stared at them, "What?".
"He didn't pay us our money." Kris said. They still had their sword out.
"Are you okay Kris?" Ralsei asked with a rather concerned and alarmed voice.
Kris nodded. "Yeah, I just found our first target."
Stats
Ranks:
Kris: *Outlaw Salesman: LV1*
Susie: *Outlaw Child Taker: LV1*
Ralsei: *Outlaw Hugger: LV1*
Equipment:
Kris: Wooden Blade
Susie: Mane Axe
Ralsei: Red Scarf
Items: Glowshard, Cell Phone
Money: 27 DD (so mostly broke)
Author's Note: Thanks for reading the second chapter of Three Heroes or Something. As you could probably tell, this is a less serious fic, mostly focused on our main heroes being as chaotic as a usual DnD party, so enjoy this wild ride. And yes, this is indeed not a crossover fic even though I make reference to other series at the beginning. So Dio from the viral meme 'You thought it was [insert name here], but it was I, Dio!' will not be a character, unfortunately. Anyway, you can expect chapters 1-3 to come out pretty soon, while other future chapters will come out later... hopefully. Anyway, thanks for reading.