Tori: The First Ache

It's a funny thing, getting older. You hear your parents talk about it your entire childhood, but you never think anything of it. When it starts happening to you, you don't even really realize it. An ache here or a crack there. It's a slow onset. It starts with lines around your eyes, or maybe you notice your breasts are just a little lower than they used to be, and it kind of hurts to bend a certain way. Before you know it, crawling out of bed becomes an exact science so you don't hurt your back. What used to be an ache now and then hurts pretty much every day. You get used to falling apart a piece at a time.

That's not even the worst part.

Imagine waking up and losing your sense of self. Losing who you are, or who you thought you were, or who you wanted to become. Feeling like a stranger in your own skin, like an intruder in your own house. Like an imposter, masquerading in a mask that looks just like you, but isn't really you. Not the real you. Not the you that you've spent every waking moment of your life with.

I guess that all sounds pretty bleak. It kind of is. I know I'm usually optimistic, chipper, happy (except when I'm possibly overreacting about things and coming up with schemes to help my friends or myself), but...life goes on. It wears us all down in different ways. It changes us.

But we didn't. And ten years on, the only thing I really know is how little I actually knew. And I am absolutely floored at how much our parents did understand, and how hard they tried to prepare us and help us.

Every single one.

I probably sound like a typical, ungrateful millennial who doesn't realize how blessed she is, but that couldn't be further from the truth. I am so thankful every day for the amazing things I've gotten to do. I'm so grateful to still be with Jade after all this time, and I'm so proud of all her success. For a while, it seemed like everything she touched turned to gold. And I was right there with her. I set aside my dreams and aspirations and did all I could to support Jade in achieving hers. I did it willingly and counted my blessings every day, that I was able to share my life with her. I promised her once that I'd be her star forever. I didn't really understand what that meant at the time.

When the first ache hit me, it hit me hard. I remember it vividly...the morning I woke up next to Jade in our hotel room and stepped out onto that balcony. The moment my phone rang, and I saw a name I had left behind years earlier. A name I had never shared with Jade, even though I told her I would eventually.

I almost didn't answer it. Maybe I shouldn't have, I don't know. But the moment I saw her name, images flooded through my head. Sounds, sensations, chills, memories, all circling through my brain like a whirlpool that had enveloped me and was dragging me down, too.

She had been my first real love, my first experience with another girl, my first...well, my first everything. And here she was, over a decade later, just weeks shy of my thirtieth birthday, calling me…

I should have hit "Ignore." But I didn't. Instead, I looked quickly inside the room to make sure Jade was still sleeping. And then, I answered the phone.

"Hello." My voice shook. My heart pounded.

"Oh my gosh, Tori! I was so afraid you weren't going to pick up. It's Tara! Tara Ganz!"

And that's why I shouldn't have answered.