Chapter 7: November 1st 1997

Erin arose from a restless sleep. She rubbed her eyes and gazed at her bedside clock. 6:07am. Erin raised herself up from the floor, trying her best not to disturb Michelle and Orla, who had snuggled up with her amid cushions and duvets. Erin turned and regarded James who was asleep in the chair, she then turned and looked to see her friend Clare who was sound asleep in Erin's bed. Erin regarded her best friend with pity and sorrow as she lay asleep; in that moment, Clare appeared so peaceful. It was as if the catastrophic event that concluded their night had never happened. Erin quietly sat on the stool at the side of the bed. She spied the pair of angel wings that lay on the bedroom floor. They were all still wearing their Halloween outfits from the night before. The group had gone dressed as angels, which seemed ironic now, even though Orla had thought they were going as swans. Erin searched for happy moments from the previous night to shield herself from the realisation they all faced when Clare walked through the hospital doors, confirming the devastating news that her dad, Sean Devlin had passed away from a brain aneurysm.

There were very few moments. The group arriving at St. Columbs Hall… her private, passionate snog with James in her bedroom before they left her house…. Orla sporting a "beak" with her "swan angel" outfit…. She looked at Clare sleeping and remembered her jubilation after having her first lesbian kiss with Laurie. Erin thought…. That was the moment…. That should have been the culmination of a wild night out for the group. Only one week before, they had rejoiced with the news that Marco had been given a potential chance to pursue his chosen career, and be closer to Derry, and to Orla.

Erin surveyed her friends; they had been riding a wave of joy in the week leading up to the Fat Boy Slim concert; Orla had been so jubilant. Erin then recalled her own happiness, the past few weeks where James; her own wee English fella, had been so endearing to her, being every bit of the boyfriend that she'd dreamt of having. Michelle's elaborate scheme to get them VIP backstage passes had all but worked, even the sudden re-appearance of Mad Stab couldn't cast a cloud over Clare's moment, a moment she had waited for since showing her bravery in coming out as a lesbian. But tragically, life had delivered the most unfortunate blow to one of their own, and when one of them fell, they all fell.

Sean Devlin had always been a man who didn't take kind to the crazy shenanigans of the group, but then again, he was no different from the rest of their parents. But he had shown all the love and support that any father would for his daughter, especially for someone who showed incredible bravery in embracing her sexuality. For all the times that the gang feared the wrath of their parents whenever they were caught amid some kind of crazy antic; from being arrested by the RUC, or setting fire to Fionnula's chip shop, they all still loved their parents, they were their foundation of support. The group had come a long way together, and there were many good and bad times that they shared. But now, one of them faced the one thing they would all face one day, but still at such a young age, it seemed so unfair. All these thoughts swirled inside Erin's head as she gazed sadly at her sleeping friend, who would soon wake up and the realization would sadly dawn on her again that her dad was gone. Erin began to worry; she didn't know how to handle this; This was unchartered territory. No one in the group had any answers of how to deal with such a tragedy, all except one of them; the one who wasn't there, Marco.

Erin glanced at the bedroom door, needing to use the bathroom. But she was afraid of leaving Clare's side. Erin decided to be quick. She left the bedroom door open just in case she heard Clare call out or cry. When she came out, she walked quickly back towards her bedroom. She saw that Clare was still asleep. Erin breathed a deep sigh of relief as she saw Orla sitting on the stool next to her bed. Erin smiled as Orla adjusted the blanket that covered their wee lesbian friend. Orla turned to see Erin in the doorway. Orla rose; her face was expressionless, she walked quietly up to her cousin and the two hugged.

"Are ye ok, Erin?" Orla whispered. Erin exhaled with exhaustion.

They both investigated the bedroom and regarded their friends. Seeing they were all asleep, Erin tilted her head towards the stairs. Orla held her hand and followed her downstairs towards the kitchen where Joe was sitting at the table. The elder patriarch was deep in thought, but he snapped back to reality as soon as he heard them walk in.

"Ach, morning girls." He sighed.

"Granda?" Erin replied.

"Why are ye up so early, Granda?" Orla asked.

"Couldn't sleep, love." He admitted.

"Aye, same here…. D'ya want some tea, Granda?" Erin asked.

"Aye, thanks love." Joe said.

"Orla…?" Erin asked, but Orla just shook her head.

Erin moved towards the kettle and started to make the tea. Orla pulled out the adjacent chair, and rested her head on her Granda's shoulder, hugging his arm. Joe smiled and placed his head on top of Orla's soft hair.

"Couldn't you girls sleep either?" He asked. Both Erin and Orla shook their heads.

"How's wee Clare?" Joe asked.

"She's still Sleeping, Granda." Erin frowned.

"Hmmm…." Joe sighed. There was nothing more he could say. James then walked into the kitchen.

"Morning." He said nervously.

"Morning, son." Joe said quietly.

Erin placed the tea on the table and then walked quickly to embrace James. He could feel his girlfriend shaking. He comforted her with a warm hug. Orla frowned as she regarded them. Joe felt her grip tighten on his arm. He glanced away from Erin and James and looked down at Orla. Her face was contorted with sadness.

"I know, love. He should really be here, shouldn't he?" Joe whispered.

"Who Gra-?" Orla began to ask, quickly stopping when she looked up at her granda; realizing who Joe was talking about, She nodded sadly.

"I wish he was here too. Right now." Orla said, her eyes stung. Joe sighed as he comforted his granddaughter.

"We're gonna have to let him know, aren't we James?" Erin said. Looking up at her wee English fella.

"I kind of already told him…. At least… I told him we were at the hospital. I left Marco a message on Alfonso's machine before…..." He stopped as he saw Clare being escorted into the kitchen by Michelle.

The others turned to see the wee lesbian walk in with an exhausted daze. It was clear she had already been crying from the redness in her eyes. This was only the first day. Erin put her arms around Clare, the rest of the gang followed, assuming the same position they were in only a few hours ago; united in their shared grief.

10:30am: The sound of baying puppies resounded in Alfonso's kitchen as he fed the young pups their breakfast. The litter of seven Jack Russell Terriers quietened down as they feasted on the bowl of milk in front of them. The runt of the litter was pushed aside by the bigger pups. Marco walked into the kitchen and watched with affection as the runt brought itself up and fought for a spot around the bowl. Marco bent down and slid one of the bigger pups around, so the runt was able to get its share of the milk.

"Ha. You are looking out for "little Fratelli", ay?" Alfonso asked while sitting at the breakfast bar. Marco smiled half-heartedly.

Alfonso could see that the news from James's voice message was weighing heavy on Marco's mind. For the past week, Marco had also felt like he'd been riding a wave of good fortune. The ability to dream again had been so intoxicating; for the first time in a long time, he hadn't entertained the idea of anything going wrong. He had just one more GCSE exam to re-sit and felt overwhelmingly confident that his diligence would pay off. It was now only a matter of getting the results he needed, he knew he would have them by the end of the month. From there, he could confirm an interview date for the apprenticeship programme, and he would be back in Northern Ireland. As Marco sat at the breakfast bar, he recalled parts of the last conversation he had with Orla only the night before.

"So… if I'm there for Christmas? Is there anything you'd like?"

"I don't know…. What would you like for Christmas?"

"Just being with you, and the others."

"Me too… that's what I want, should I write that in a letter to Santa?"

"I hope ye really are here for Christmas, Marco…."

"So do I…..."

"Marco…. Marco!" Alfonso called.

"Oh, sorry, Alfonso. I was miles away."

"Yes…. I see this…." Alfonso asked softly. Marco shot him a very nervous look.

"Call them, Marco. You know you must talk to find out." Alfonso said.

"… I know…. It's just…. I'm scared that I'm gonna hear something I don't wanna hear." Marco admitted.

"This is true. But you have friend who now, she is maybe…. go through the same thing you go through. You must…. Use this to help her."

"How can I help her?" Marco asked.

"You will know how to do this…. You remember…. Sometime, even when you face the one thing you fear the most; you must still face it. Only then…. you are truly brave." Alfonso said.

Marco pondered what Alfonso said, he was briefly distracted by the howl that bayed from the runt puppy in the pen, as if he was agreeing with Alfonso. Marco then nodded in agreement. He moved from the breakfast bar and picked up the phone. "I really hope this works out…. I'm getting sick of using these damn phones." He thought. Marco tried the Mallon's number first, but there was no answer. "They might all be round Clare's house if-" He thought. He hung up the line and dialled the Quinn's number. Marco waited longer than he normally did, once again, there was no answer. Marco hung up; He didn't have the Devlin's number and had no other way of contacting anyone. He slouched on the kitchen top, wondering where they could be, he then shot a look at the clock. "Nah, They can't be at church. It's Saturday." He remembered; his chest felt tense. He began to worry that something bad had happened.

"No answer?" Alfonso asked. Just then, the phone rang. Marco hesitated, remembering it wasn't his phone. Alfonso walked up and picked the phone up.

"Hello?" He asked. A knowing look came across his face. "Yes, he is here." He smiled and handed the phone to Marco.

"Hello?"

"Marco?"

"James! …. is everything ok?" He felt his chest tense up as James hesitated to answer.

"…. No. It's not.…. Clare's Dad…. he…. Didn't make it mate." Marco shuddered at James's news.

"….. What happened?" He asked.

"… It was a brain aneurysm. They said." James answered.

"Bloody hell, what's that?"

"I don't know mate. Michelle kind of knows, but…."

"It's alright mate, don't…. where's Clare?" Marco asked.

"She's…. just left as it goes. Her and her Mum stayed around Erin's last night. We all did." James sighed.

"Ah, that's why there was no answer…. You sound knackered, bruv."

"Yeah…. Just a bit." James said sadly. Marco felt an impulse to hold his friend up.

"You done well, though, mate. You stayed with her. She's gonna need that." Marco said.

"Didn't feel like we did much good." James admitted. Who was now joined by Erin, Orla and Michelle.

"No…. you did mate. All of you did. It's…. hard because…. There aren't really any words you can say that are gonna make everything better. She just needs to know that you're all there. Trust me. It'll mean the world to her." James looked at the girls who all half smiled at Marco's words.

"Just so you know, the girls heard you."

"Oi. You look after them, yeah?" Marco said.

"Yeah. Will do. Me and Michelle are gonna shoot off home now."

"Alright bruv; when you see Clare…. give her my love, ok?" Marco said.

"Yeah alright…. Here's Orla. See ya later mate." James said. Michelle quickly said goodbye as James handed the phone to Orla, Erin followed James and Michelle back towards the front door.

"Hi Marco."

"Hey Orla…"

"I…." Orla gasped for breath through her tears. "I wish ye were here."

"I wish I was there too."

"I…. really need a cuddle from ye."

Marco felt tears string down his cheeks upon hearing Orla's cries. He felt hopeless as his girlfriend wept.

"I'm scared, Marco." Orla wept. It broke his heart to hear the cheerful girl who he cared for so deeply, to express how vulnerable she felt.

"What's scaring you?" Marco asked softly.

"It's just…. I know it's part of life…. Ye know…. dying…. But it's…. just…."

"It's just really scary?"

"Aye… it is so."

"Shhhhhh…. It's ok…." Marco said calmly. "…. I know it's scary, Orla. Trust me…. I know…. Death is scary. It's very normal to feel that way. But you need to be strong for Clare right now." Marco said.

"I don't feel very strong right now." Orla wept sadly.

"But you are, Orla. You're stronger than you know."

Erin had now come back indoors and sat next to Orla, seeing her distress, Erin put her arm around her cousin.

"I'm not as strong as Erin is." Orla said, glancing at Erin.

"Yes you are." Marco said.

"How do ye know?"

"Because of what you did for me." Erin had leaned in and heard what Marco said. She pursed her lips together.

"What did I do?"

"You made me smile again." Marco said, gasping through his own tears. "You, and Erin, you picked me up when I was down; If you can do that for me, then you can be strong for Clare." Erin tightened her grip on Orla, shaking her slightly.

"How do I do that?" Orla asked.

"Just. Be. You." Marco replied. Orla pushed her lip down. She nodded as she wiped her eyes.

"OK…. I understand." Orla whispered.

Tell her…. Marco could hear himself think.

"Orla..." Marco started.

"Aye?"

Say it…. SAY IT... Marco thought to himself.

"…. I… I need to tell you something, but…. I don't want to say it over the phone." Marco said. Erin raised her eyebrows sympathetically.

"Is it bad?"

"No. It's not bad…. I'll tell you… when I see you."

"OK, Promise?"

"I Promise. You sound tired."

"Aye, I am so."

"Why don't you both go and get some sleep?"

"OK."

"I'll call you tomorrow. OK?"

"OK."

"Thanks Marco." Erin said.

They said their goodbyes, and both reluctantly hung up the phone. Marco rested his head on the kitchen wall. Alfonso had been there throughout the whole conversation. He regarded his young friend with sympathy. He walked over and placed his hand on Marco's shoulder.

"I think I'm… gonna go down to the church for a bit." Marco said.

"Ci. Ho Capito." Alfonso said as he watched Marco pick up his coat. He also spotted the runt puppy watching Marco leave.

Alfonso gave the sign of the cross in silent prayer for Sean Devlin. There wasn't much time for maneuver; as is tradition in Northern Ireland, the funeral was arranged swiftly by the Devlin family. Under the circumstances, Sean Devlin was buried 5 days later. The group of friends escorted their wee lesbian friend together. United in their grief once again. Clare cut a brave figure for someone so young. She held her head high, as she had always done; from coming out to her friends and family, to having her first kiss, to this; the most poignant event which could have happened to any of them. Even though death was an occurrence more frequently endured in places like Derry. This had not been the result of blind hatred, or ignorance, or for any sort of cause; this was the simple, harsh reality of life occurring before their very eyes.

There were those who still chose to convey their ignorance. Sister Michael privately chastised Shannon O'Driscoll, after spotting her daring to scowl at Orla McCool and her friends as they exited the church, not even the occasion could rouse any empathy from the girl. Thankfully, the incident went unnoticed by the group. As she stood by the graveside, Clare sniffled uncontrollably. The others stood only a couple of feet behind her. James had his arms draped across Erin and Michelle while Orla hugged Erin. They watched Clare drop a purple shamrock into the grave. She stepped backwards into the group's embrace. James pulled a letter from his coat pocket, telling Clare that it was from Marco.

"He said to read it while were together… Would you like me to read it?" James asked. Clare nodded quietly. James opened the letter and began.

Dear Clare.

I wish I could be there to pay my respects to your dad. It's hard to express how one truly feels when writing it down in a letter, because there aren't enough words that can say how sorry I am for you and your family's loss.

How do we begin to heal when some wounds cut so deep?

How do we begin to understand that there is no way back to how things were?

They say there are some things that time cannot mend. I don't know if this is true or not. But if you look around you, you'll see an amazing group of people who will not stop caring for you. Always remember. no matter where you go or what you do. You'll always have us.

Your friend, Marco.

Clare gave a stoic smile. Recognizing the same words that she'd said in Erin's letter to Marco. Clare stepped into James and the group embraced each other. Meanwhile, back in England Marco stood silently in the church as he lit a candle for Sean Devlin.