Together we will rise

by Jinxgirl

Post Glee, canon through season 5 and then AU after. About a year after Brittany and Santana have broken up, Brittany learns of a traumatic incident Santana endured and the suffering she's going through. Their paths draw together again as together they work to rebuild their lives- and eventually, their relationship. Trigger warning: incident of rape/physical assault, homophobia

38. Chapter 38

The morning of their last day at the cabin, Brittany woke when the first light of dawn was still creeping over the horizon, a nervous hum all over her body. It was the day. She hadn't intended to wait until the very last day to ask Santana to marry her, but it'd worked out that way, their day yesterday full of emotional dips and peaks and serious conversations about their family and their future, which, Brittany realized, had all happened unintentionally but quite perfectly because of what she was about to do.

She rolled over to look at Santana, sleeping peacefully, heavily against her, her face calm, lips slightly parted. She looked so vulnerable, almost childlike in the way that she slept, calm and dreamless and utterly perfect. Brittany leaned down to kiss her forehead, snuggling back down next to her instead of climbing out of bed, knowing the feeling of Brittany being gone would wake Santana instantly. "Today is a very important day," She whispered, tracing her finger down the bridge of Santana's nose and over the bow of her lips. She was quiet and careful not to speak too loudly or wake Santana.

Their day was calm and easy compared to how the day before had been- they'd walked to the lake, swam in the pool and fallen asleep on the lounges. Neither one of them took their suits off and Brittany didn't push Santana - yesterday's step had been significant enough and she wanted today to go as perfectly as possible. After they'd fallen asleep in the sun, Brittany woke first, shivering in her bikini. The sun was starting to sink lower in the sky, the air cooling noticeably, and she knew she should wake Santana up and take them inside. It was coming. Her stomach flipped nervously, and she pulled herself off her lounge chair, stepping over to Santana's.

She almost crawled on top of Santana to lay down with her but caught herself, knowing Santana would not want to wake up that way with someone's body weight on top of her, and instead sat on the edge of her lounge chair, leaning over her and patting her side gently. "Santanaaaa," She sang softly, smiling when Santana stirred at the sound of her name in Brittany's voice. She ducked down to kiss her as she blinked into alertness, grinning as she met her eyes, desperately trying to stamp down her own excitement.

"I want to have a date night," She announced. "Like here, at the house. We don't have to go anywhere. But I want to celebrate our last night here before we go back to the city and summer's over," Brittany said, letting her hands brush across Santana's stomach, her arms, her collarbone, mapping her body mindlessly as she spoke. "But I want to make it cute and romantic and cook you dinner and surprise you," She hummed with a grin. "Just by making it cute, not the dinner, it'll be the same thing we always have," Brittany reassured, knowing, most of the time, Santana hated surprises and, surprising her with food wasn't the way to surprise her.

The day had been a very good one. Santana had been relaxed, knowing that there were only two days left of their getaway and she should let herself enjoy and make the most of it. She and Brittany had done just that, making it a easy, lazy day that was neither too overly planned out nor too full of emotional conversations. She needed the break from the way she had pushed herself the previous day. Each time she felt herself taking steps forward, attempting growth, it took something out of her, an emotional toll that she sometimes felt physically too.

So when she grew sleepy by the side of the pool, still clad in her t-shirt and loose shorts, she let herself doze off, knowing that she would be safe, that Brittany would wake her if there was a need. The warmth of the sun against her felt good even with her huge sunglasses blocking half her face, and she relaxed enough that she didn't hear at first when Brittany called her name. When Brittany touched her side, repeating it in sing-song, Santana mumbled to herself more than to Brittany, squinting in spite of the sunglasses and shifting feebly in the lounge chair, grouchy. She softened immediately when Brittany met her grumpy expression with a kiss, her hands automatically reaching up for her to pull her closer. She held onto Brittany's face as Brittany pulled away, drinking in her expression as Brittany made her announcement.

"A date night?" she repeated, a little confused. "But basically every night's been date night. We always cook together and eat together. Do you mean like with candles and rose petals and girly rom com stuff or something?"

She wasn't anxious about the prospect, just unsure of how this particular "date night" was any different from any others they had already had, in Brittany's mind. The feeling of Brittany's hands running over her was soothing, enough so she squirmed a little against them, practically purring.

"Sure, if you want to. What are we eating though?"

She still needed to know that. She didn't like that kind of surprise.

Brittany grinned at Santana's sleepy stupor, leaning over her and resting her body on top of hers when Santana held her cheeks, no longer nervous of scaring her now that she was awake and knew where she was and who Brittany was, more importantly. Her wet hair dangled down and tickled Santana's cheeks and Brittany laughed, pushing her hair back over her shoulder. "Every night is date night," Brittany clarified, smiling at that thought. It truly was. Regardless of how crazy Santana's school or Brittany's classes became, they always remained engrossed in each other's lives and borderline obsessed with each other, to the point that quality time was an absolute given every day and every night.

"Still," Brittany said, "I want to make it romantic and surprise you," She said, scrunching up her nose at Santana's description of romantic - flower petals and candles and romantic sappy things. "Okay, pretend you don't love all those things," Brittany rolled her eyes, tickling her ribs playfully. She knew, better than anyone, that Santana loved romantic, sappy, over-the-top lovey things. They didn't even have to be big things, simple gestures always made Santana swoon and Brittany knew it was, at it's core, Santana's love of being taken care of. "It's just like the date night we have every night, just more special."

She shrugged, Santana was realistic about most things while Brittany constantly tried to make magic out of their everyday and, once she'd convinced Santana to go along with it, Santana always ended up loving it even more than she did. Many of their high school nights had been spent in blanket forts that Brittany had insisted they build but Santana insisted they leave up for days.

"Salmon with rice and broccoli," Brittany answered instantly, already knowing what they had in the freezer and what groceries they brought.

She wasn't naive enough to mess with their food- she knew they were still walking on a tightrope of Santana's eating disorder and, coupled with everything she'd endured, it was something Brittany carefully kept an eye on, the two of them vigilant about what type of food they had, always safe things, always relatively healthy things, and always things Brittany knew Santana would eat regardless of her mood. In Brittany's opinion, Santana was still too skinny, but she was better, and Brittany didn't push her on it.

"I just want to make it for you and surprise you," She said, "You should watch a show on my laptop in the bedroom while I do it," Brittany said, sneaking her hands under Santana's shirt to rest them on her bare stomach, her face inches from Santana. "You can talk to me through the door and I'll come check on you too," Brittany said, fully aware of how much her being in Santana's line of sight at all times was an automatic comfort to her, and how, especially now, Santana hated being alone. Brittany wondered at times if she should try to work on Santana's independence, but didn't think it was worth it, knowing they'd always be together, especially with what she was about to do.

"It is," Santana insisted, liking the sound of her own words on Brittany's lips. She smiled, more awake now as she reached to cover Brittany's hand with her own. "Every night is date night with us."

Santana scrunched up her nose back at Brittany, partly in playful response to her own nose scrunching, partly because she likes to play the part of someone who doesn't actually like the romance they both know she loves. "I do not love all those things," she maintained, even though they both knew she was lying through her teeth as she spoke. "Flower petals stick to your ass, candles smell funny, and slow music is too melodramatic."

As if Santana herself isn't melodramatic fairly often. Still, she maintained the grumpy, exasperated expression of someone who "didn't do romance" until Brittany continued to convince her. The food was something she could eat, although she never ate all of the salmon or rice and usually would rather share it with one plate with Brittany. Although she had had another period since her weight gain, her weight was still borderline, enough so that she wasn't on a regular, predictable menstrual cycle, and she still had to get encouragement and reminders often that it was not just okay but necessary to eat.

The surprise "romance dinner" part, whether with candles and flowers or not, she was somewhat intrigued by. With Brittany, the surprise could be anything from said cliched romance to a new pet duck, presented in a pot as though it were part of the meal. It could really go either direction.

"Do I have to shut the door?" she tested, starting to stand up slowly and stretch, but staying near Brittany. "How long will it take you to get it ready, do you think?"

Brittany rolled her eyes as Santana scoffed at the prospect of romance, not letting her false lack of enthusiasm dampen how secretly excited she was inside about what she was going to do. She knew Santana would love it and she knew it would mean the world to Santana even if there was no decor or romance involved at all. She giggled, shaking her head, secretly loving how Santana and she both kept up the charade about Santana hating romance while secretly entertaining her. Brittany loved doing little things for her, and she knew Santana absolutely loved all the romance and sappy aspects.

"But I get to cook it for you because it's a date," Brittany grinned, glossing over the aspect of dinner and treating it as a no-big-deal-thing. She knew Santana still struggled it at times, but Brittany was quick to affirm her and remind her what a good job she was doing and provide small reassurances.

When Santana stood, Brittany slipped her arm around her waist, reading the expression on her face. She tread carefully, not wanting Santana to wary or nervous about the prospect of having to separate from Brittany, even if it was just the next room. She never really thought about it, but, in reality, she hardly ever separated from Santana in their lives, for weeks they were always together with the exception of the times their classes overlapped. Even still, when Santana had ready access to Brittany, she took advantage of it and they were always in the same room doing the same thing.

"Ummm, no, but I don't want you to see until I'm ready so you have to promise not to peek and we'll keep it open a little bit," Brittany said, her eyes trained on Santana to test her reaction on it. "It probably won't take me very long," She said, reaching up to tuck Santana's hair behind her hair, "You can talk to me while I'm decorating and you can let me know if you want me to come visit you," Brittany said, reaching down to kiss Santana's temple. "It really won't be too long, I promise," She said, not wanting Santana to think too much about it or feel off right before she was about to do something apartment.

"C'mon, let's go inside," Brittany instructed, lacing her fingers through Santana's and tugging her hand. "Do you want to take a shower together before dinner? Or after?" She asked as she stepped through the sliding glass door, sliding it closed behind her, her stomach starting to do nervous flips of excitement.

Santana leaned into Brittany's loose embrace, her body automatically tilting closer to her as Brittany wrapped her arm around her. She let her head rest against her shoulder, attempting to avoid her gaze even as Brittany looked directly at her, not letting her do so.

"So...I can keep the door open, but I can't look, and you'll let me talk to you and come see me if I want," Santana repeated Brittany's rules, as much for confirmation and self-assurance as to process. She took a breath, closing her eyes briefly, and then nodded, eyes still closed as Brittany kissed her head.

"Okay, I guess so. Since you want to."

The idea was a little anxiety inducing to Santana, mainly because of the unknown and the even small separation, but she pushed herself to try, since Brittany seemed to want this so much, seemed so excited about this. Plus she truly was curious what would make this particular dinner so special.

She let Brittany pull her inside, answering more quickly, "After. Definitely after." She wanted to get the surprise out of the way, and if needed, use the shower to calm down. Just in case.

Brittany brought her hand up to smooth Santana's hair when she put her head on her shoulder, nodding along to everything Santana was repeating. "I'll come see you whenever you want but really, it won't take very long." She reminded, smiling at the way Santana closed her eyes and nodded, cemented in her resolve. She was determined, but Brittany could still see a hint of anxiety coursing through her and she pouted, not wanting to make any part of this stressful for Santana. "I swear you'll like it," She said, bringing their joined hands to her mouth and kissing the back of Santana's hand as she lead her to the bedroom after Santana decided she wanted to shower afterwards. That worked better for Brittany, who, despite the fact that she was trying to play it cool, was a ball of nerves and frantic energy, practically buzzing with excitement.

Sitting on the bed they'd shared for the last three nights, Brittany tugged Santana to stand in front of her, reaching up to press down on Santana's shoulders. "Relax your body, Babe." Brittany cooed, feeling how tense Santana's shoulders were under the weight of Brittany's palms. "You're still the boss here," She grinned, their frequent joke about Santana always being the one in charge was still true even now, because she was. Santana, at all times, had permission to do anything she wanted, anything she needed, and nothing was as important to Brittany as that.

"You're still in control," She reminded, her voice a hint softer. "If you need me or don't like it, you can open the door," Brittany promised, reinforcing that, although this was her surprise and she wanted everything to go perfectly, Santana still controlled every aspect of the situation, including waiting in the bedroom for Brittany to set up.

She held Santana's gaze resolutely until she was satisfied, pulling Santana to sit down next to her and reaching over to the night table to grab her computer. She navigated her way to Friends, a show they'd been watching in the background and playing on loop in their apartment when it got too quiet and Brittany wanted to comfort Santana with sound. It was a show she'd deemed "safe" - lighthearted and comedic without any references to anything too sexual or violent. Brittany was still wary after they'd watched A Star is Born, and she never wanted to give Santana anything to startle her or give her more terrifying things to play in her head.

Passing the laptop to Santana's lap once she'd started the episode, Brittany leaned in to press a kiss to her lips. "Remember, door's open," She hummed against her mouth.

Santana could tell that Brittany wanted her to feel okay, that she was going out of her way to make her surprise as comfortable for her as possible. Because Brittany wanted so much to please her, because she so rarely asked something of Santana, Santana wanted to let her go through with whatever it was she wanted, even if it turned out that it wasn't as exciting for her as it was for Brittany to plan out. Still, the fact that Brittany was trying so hard to do something romantic, something she thought Santana would like, was enough that Santana would like it, even if it did turn out to be a duck in a pot.

As Brittany sat her down on the bed, gently guiding her to sit, Santana took a breath, her shoulders rising and falling with Brittany's urging. She nodded in reply to Brittany telling her that she was the boss, she was in control, she could call her back to visit any time she wanted or needed. Because of all these reminders and because she knew Brittany meant them, that she would drop anything and everything she was doing to come to her if she wanted, without any resentment or disappointment, Santana really, really wanted to not have to call her.

She could do this. She went whole hours apart from Brittany when she went to class or her internship. She definitely could go less then half an hour with a door separating them.

"I'm relaxed," she stated, this not quite true, but she wasn't trembling, even if she was still tense. "I'm fine, Britt. I'll just watch these lame white losers who live in New York and think their lives are hard. Kind of like Rachel and Kurt," she teased, although she loved the show not quite ironically. "Go do your big surprise."

As Brittany exited, Santana glanced up from the computer, seeing that the door was indeed open. She tried hard to focus on the antics of the "white losers" on the screen, reminding herself of her intention to NOT call out to Brittany. Still, she squirmed as she attempted to pay attention, wondering just what she was doing.

Brittany grinned as Santana urged her to do her "big surprise," already knowing that Santana truly had no idea what it was. Try as she might to be subtle, Santana read like a book to her, and Brittany knew if she'd had any suspicion about what Brittany was about to do, she'd have already confessed to it or made it obvious to Brittany. "I'll be back soon," Brittany said, dropping a kiss to the part of her hair before slipping out of the room, leaving the door partially ajar.

Instantly, she went to the kitchen, bracing herself against the countertop - was she really doing this? She took a few deep, long breaths, the absence of Santana somehow ratcheting up her nerves about the entire thing. After a moment, Brittany crouched down, retrieving a tote bag that she'd secretly stashed underneath the sink, one that she'd packed back in New York City, containing everything she needed and the most special thing of all - the ring. Brittany set the ring box on the countertop, opening it up to make sure it was still as perfect as it was. She admired it for a few seconds, picturing how it would look sparkling on Santana's finger before she pulled the rest of the items out of the bag.

She dragged a kitchen chair around with her as she went, pulling it around and standing on it when needed, listening to the background noise of Friends playing in the bedroom, her ears keenly alerted to what she could hear- just in case Santana called out to her or needed her. She was determined that everything be absolutely perfect, deciding to set up before she cooked dinner so she could make sure she had everything absolutely right, absolutely what she'd wanted ever since she thought of the idea and spent many sleepless nights trying to think it through perfectly. Truly, it was the one secret she'd ever kept from Santana- and a big one, one she'd spent so long thinking about, so careful never to let Santana catch on.

Finally, she looked around the room, surveying everything, stepping back, looking up and around, making sure it was exactly what she wanted it to be, something Santana would love. And it was. She was so sure that Santana would love it that she felt her heart swell in her chest and her eyes fill, brushing away the tears as she surveyed the room. This was really happening, after a decade, after everything they'd been through. It was so real.

She knew she couldn't stare at it all day- she had to move, keep preparing so she could get to the part that she was actually waiting for, the. most important part. Forcing her feet into action, she moved into the kitchen, pulling out the salmon, rice and vegetables. "You're very quiet in there," Brittany called out as she seasoned the salmon on a baking pan, her eyes flicking towards the door. "Do you have any guesses to what I'm doing?" She wondered with a giggle as she continued to prepare the food.

Santana's scalp tingled pleasantly at Brittany's kiss, and she concentrated on really noticing this sensation, a tactic her therapist, Kate, had encouraged in her. She was always urging her to notice how her body felt, whether positive or negative, and to attach it to a particular emotion and action to better understand how to stop and think before just reacting. Kate had also encourage her to remain neutral about uncomfortable feelings if possible and to soak in the positive ones. It was something Santana rolled her eyes about while in her presence but secretly made effort to attempt when not around her.

Santana couldn't help but hear Brittany moving around in the kitchen though through the cracked door. It didn't sound to her like she was getting things out of the fridge or setting up to cook. She actually couldn't hear her doing very much at all. Was she drawing or writing something? Making a card or sign?

When Brittany called back to her that she was quiet, Santana startled, not having expected her to speak yet. She had been trying so hard to be quiet and "nonchalant" about this weird surprise thing that she had forgotten the part about Brittany checking in on her throughout the separation.

"Oh, just held in suspense about whether or not Ross is going to make an ass of himself to every woman he sees while being weirdly overly affectionate with his sister at the same time," she deadpanned. "So far, no surprises, it's dead on true yet again."

When Brittany asked if she had any guesses about what she was doing, Santana hesitated, unsure if she should make her genuine guess and chance spoiling Brittany's surprise or just make something up. Finally she went with genuine.

"Drawing or writing me some kind of card or picture?" she asked.

Brittany grinned, sliding the pan of salmon and broccoli into the oven to bake before beginning to prepare the rice on the stovetop. "That's a very good guess," Brittany grinned, calling back to Santana. She sounded pleasantly calm, and for that, Brittany was grateful. "But it's not a card or a picture, so I guess you'll just have to wait and see," She giggled, flicking her eyes back to the living room and over to the bedroom door.

"I just put the salmon and broccoli in so I'm sure the food will be ready soon," She sing-songed back to her, reaching up to get a plate down for them, the two of them still in the habit of eating off the same shared plate so Santana didn't think about or have to see exactly how much food was on her own plate. She began humming as she stirred the rice on the stove, hoping that Santana could hear the sound of her voice. Santana didn't seem nervous at all when she spoke, but Brittany knew she'd been tense when Brittany had pitched her idea. Her eyes flicking to the ring box on the counter, she beamed, knowing that, hopefully, it would all be so worth it soon.

The shrill ding of the oven timer cut her off mid-humming about 20 minutes later, and Brittany's stomach plummeted. It almost seemed too soon for her to be ready, even though Brittany knew she'd prepared for it for weeks and months and really, truly, could not wait to do this. She caught her own hands trembling as she took the baking tray out of the oven, sliding the salmon and broccoli onto the single place, letting it cool slightly before clicking the stove off and stirring the rice, adding that to their plate lastly. She glanced around the room, making sure all the candles were still lit, before setting the plate on the table and moving over to where she'd plugged in her phone to the stereo. She pressed play, the room filling with the low, soft sounds of music, the playlist Brittany had made especially for that night, when she'd laid awake long after Santana had gone to sleep and scrolled through her music, adding only the most perfect songs.

When she picked up their plate, she took a deep breath, picking up the ring box and slipping into the pocket of her jean shorts before setting the plate on the table. She thought everything was perfect in a way, the way Brittany had planned so much for this night but still, both of them were still in their tee shirts and shorts from the day, neither wearing make up or dressed up. It may have been them once upon a time, but this was them now.

Pausing for a moment, Brittany checked to make sure that the ring box wasn't too obvious in her pocket before she poked her head back into the bedroom, grinning at the sight of Santana. "Did you miss me?" She wondered, stepping fully into the room and tugging the door further closed behind her. "Come here," She beckoned, holding her hands out to help Santana up and into her arms, pulling her close to her. "Did I take a long time?" She asked gently, tucking Santana's hair behind her ear, "Your surprise is ready" Brittany added, almost in a whisper.

Santana squirmed, wondering with growing impatience just what Brittany could be doing that would involve a surprise, no surprise food, and no card or picture. Was she writing her a song? The last song Brittany had written as far as she knew was "My Cup," and as amusing as that had been, it wasn't exactly romantic. And it didn't seem like a song she would write for her now.

"Are you making up a dance for me?" she ventured next. "I have no idea."

As the minutes wore on, they seemed to drag on longer and longer to Santana. She knew it took time to cook salmon, but it felt to her like it was taking far longer than it normally did without her in the room with Brittany, watching and chatting and helping right beside her. When she heard soft music fill the air, she wondered again if Brittany was planning to dance with her or something. That could be romantic, but why would she have to wait in another room just to dance when they danced in her studio all the time?

Right at the twenty minute mark, Santana's impatience and anxiety hit a peak. The first Friends episode had ended and to her, that meant Brittany should be finished. She had to restrain herself from calling out to her, wanting badly for her to reassure her that yes, she was still around, and yes, she didn't plan to leave the cabin, even if Santana couldn't see her. But she had tried so hard NOT to ask her to come to her or even to call out to her. She wanted to make this point to herself, even if it felt so hard.

She was almost going to say screw it and call to Brittany when she heard the oven ding. Letting out a breath, Santana blurted out, "Is it almost ready? I heard the oven."

When Brittany came back into the bedroom, she was sitting upright on the bed, tense and ready to jump up the moment she saw Brittany. She willingly melted against her, burying her face in her neck and wrapping her arms around Brittany's waist.

"No," she lied about Brittany taking a long time, even as her body and tone told a different story. "I can go in now?"

Brittany turned her head toward the room when Santana confessed she'd heard the oven ding, which meant she was listening closer than Brittany had thought, which also meant that Santana was paying much more attention to her and not as much attention to the show Brittany had put on. Her suspicion was reaffirmed when she saw how tense Santana was sitting and how fast she got up to meet her halfway, melting against her body, pressing herself tightly into Brittany's shape. "Babe," Brittany cooed, wrapping her arms around Santana. If was one of Brittany's favorite things about Santana, how she always hugged Brittany with her fully body, tightly and completely and as if she could never be as close to her as she really wanted.

She felt slightly guilty that she'd made Santana wait, but Brittany was also determined to do this right, to make it perfect because she would only get to do this for Santana once, and it matter. She knew Santana would love it, would love the romance part of it, but it was also important for Brittany to make it a big deal for Santana. So much of Santana's life was different now and Santana so rarely wanted attention or big things- she preferred quiet time with Brittany now over nights out, and birthdays were spent just the two of them instead of big parties or events. It was how Santana wanted it now, and Brittany knew it, but she still wanted to take moments and make things a big deal and all about Santana, even if it was only just the two of them. She knew she could do it in ways that were still safe and comfortable for Santana while not letting Santana's fear take away the 'big moments.'

"I just want to hold you for a second," Brittany answered, resting her head against Santana's where Santana had tucked her face into her collarbone. She did just want to hold her for a minute, mostly because she could still feel some of the tension Santana held in her body from being separated from Brittany and she wanted her to be as relaxed as possible before she led her out into the living room. She kept them there, just like that, holding Santana close to her until she felt the tightness seep from her body and she was leaning more heavily against her. "Are you ready for your big surprise?" Brittany whispered into Santana's hair, patting the small of her back.

Disentangling herself from Santana's embrace, she slid her hand down her forearm to lace their hands together, wanting to be touching some part of Santana at all times and knowing Santana probably wanted it too. She was smiling so hard her face hurt a little, bouncing up on the balls of her feet before she leaned in to give Santana a quick peck on the lips before she pulled the door open all the way, her free hand moving to click out the bedroom light.

Brittany had also shut off the overhead lights in the living room and kitchen, the only lights now coming from the dozens of strands of twinkling white Christmas lights she'd taped up all across the ceiling of the living room, a swinging, crisscrossed thatch-work of lights from one end of the room all the way to the other. It was Brittany's best attempt to recreate the night in Lima when they'd climbed up to the top of the bleachers after Santana had been so let down about the subpar Christmas decorations. The night they'd sat up there until they'd frozen, talking about everything and nothing. The night that Brittany had known, really known, that after their break up and all that had happened, that she and Santana could still do this together, that she wanted to be with her for the rest of their lives.

The effect of it was dazzling, and even though it had been Brittany's idea and one Brittany had planned and executed, it still took her breath away to see it in it's completion. Across the living room she'd also set up candles sprawled across the end tables and mantle and nearly any surface she found, the flames swaying in the warm glow of the room. On the table, their food sat ready, although Brittany didn't take a step forward yet, the two of them standing there in silence. "Do you like it?" Brittany asked quietly after a few moments, her voice small and blushing.

Santana had no protests against Brittany wanting to hold her before leading her to the surprise. Even though she felt a little self-conscious, thinking it was probably ridiculous that she had had to fight to keep herself separated from her for less than thirty minutes, she still wasn't about to turn down the relief of feeling Brittany's arms around her, the solid weight of her flush against Santana. She relaxed with Brittany's embrace, slowly growing less tense, until she was just loose in her holding of the other woman, cuddling more than hanging onto her.

She nodded as Brittany asked her if she was ready, letting Brittany pull away but still glad when she took her hand and gave her a brief kiss. Beginning to feel more curious now that she was reunited with her, Santana smiled, enjoying Brittany's obvious pleasure and anticipation. She already loved the "surprise," just because Brittany was so proud of it.

When Brittany turned off the lights, Santana flinched, expecting darkness, but then the entire room was aglow with shimmering, blinking lights. She blinked, struggling to place the kitchen she was used to with this transformed near fairly land. It looked just like stars, and as Santana's mouth dropped, her eyes almost comically wide, she craned her neck backward, taking it all in, realizing that it did go the entire span of the ceiling. How had Brittany even done that so quickly?

"Wow," she breathed," her words hushed. "Brittany, this is beautiful. You really are magic."

She saw the candles set everywhere too, matching and equally beautiful in their effect, and squeezed Brittany's hand tighter, still too awed to even smile. Then it hit her, what Brittany had been going for, and she turned to her in excitement, giving a little jump on the balls of her feet of her own.

"Is this- is that supposed to be like stars?! Like our starry night?!"

She threw her arms around Brittany and hugged her tightly, not waiting for her answer. "I love it! This is amazing!"

Brittany grinned even more, turning her head at Santana's breathless voice, her voice sounding whole and innocent and childlike in the way that she loved so much. When Santana wasn't trying to hide how excited she was about something or how happy something made her, it was a beautiful thing. Brittany felt herself blush across her cheeks and at the tip of her ears, ducking her head when Santana insisted that she really was magic. Something about the whole thing was utterly perfect- the way they were still in their little cabin and not some luxury hotel, how they both stood side by side, their hair natural and makeup-free, Brittany wearing an oversized t-shirt and Santana still in her shirt and shorts- Brittany's shirt, she realized. Something about it made it even more special, all of it seeming so homemade and only for them.

She felt Santana squeeze her hand and laughed at how excitedly she bounced, instantly realizing what Brittany was trying to recreate. Brittany nodded, slightly proud that Santana had guessed it. It meant that, one, Brittany's attempt was similar enough to the real thing and, two, that Santana remembered that night just as perfect as Brittany had. It sent a flare of warmth through her and she squeezed Santana's hand back, her heart exploding when Santana referred to it as "their starry night." The title seemed so precious and pure and perfect, something that was exclusively for them, and it made Brittany's throat swell a little with love for Santana. Their starry night.

When Santana threw her arms around her caught her tight, holding her against her, glad Santana's excitement was also swelling and bursting and big because Brittany felt exactly the same. "It's our starry night," Brittany confirmed with a grin, feeling like she was floating, happy and bubbly and, most of all, excited with a little bit of nerves. "I love you. I wanted to do something special for you before we went back to the city and that night was perfect," Brittany said, thinking back to when we were in Lima. "Because it was just us and we were back where everything began and you even coming with me to Lima was a big deal but you did so good on the plane and we were so happy together that night," Brittany grinned. "I always feel like that with you, like it's just us and we're the only people in the world." Brittany said, kissing Santana's temple.

"C'mon you," She said, tugging on Santana's hand with a smile, "Let's eat before it gets cold, and then we can pull our pillows and blankets in front of the couch and watch movies and sleep under the stars!" Brittany promised as she led her over to the table, her eyes sparkling.

This moment was truly wondrous to Santana, every bit as special as she had enthused to Brittany. She could see the effort Brittany had put into this, the sweetness of the memory and her thoughtfulness, and she glowed with joy that she was on its receiving end. She continued to hold onto Brittany, lifting her face up to kiss Brittany deeply, before pulling back, looking into her eyes with her hands still hooked around Brittany's neck. She kissed Brittany again, more gently, first on each cheek, then the tip of her nose, then on her lips again.

"This is special," she confirmed softly, even as her eyes shone with her excitement. "This is perfect. You're right, that night was perfect. And now this is too."

She gave her one last kiss, breathing her words into Brittany's mouth as she pulled away. "I love you too. So, so much."

Letting Brittany pull her into the room, Santana dawdled, still grinning as she kept looking up at the ceiling and around at the candles, continuing to marvel at the look of it all. She paused in front of the table, torn between conflicting thoughts on how to sit to eat.

"I don't know where to sit. I want to look at you, but I want to sit on your lap too."

Deciding finally, she reasoned aloud, "I'll sit on your lap soon. I'll sit beside you so I can see how beautiful you look in our starlight."

Brittany glowed inside from Santana's praise and how she called their night special, like the golden stamp of approval from the person she wanted to impress the most out of everyone. Everything, all of this, was all for Santana. If Santana thought it was special, then she'd truly succeeded in her goal - to do something special for Santana, to make her feel loved, so show her how much Brittany loved her.

Giggling as Santana kissed her kips and nose and cheeks, Brittany scrunched her nose at the tickling feeling, basking in the show of affection from Santana, each one of her kisses soft and loving, making Brittany's insides flip and dip and swoop. A shiver ran up her spine and she had to force calm out in to her limbs - she was so nervous, despite knowing it would go well and being excited, the nerves weren't something she could tamp down. She knew she couldn't make it too obvious though, not wanting Santana to catch onto how Brittany still squirmed.

Brittany slipped into her seat, looking up at Santana when she paused, wondering for a flickering moment if Santana would fidget with eating. It was unpredictable, she days she ate well and the days she struggled, and Brittany knew better than to try and predict how it would be. Her heart tugged, hoping Santana wouldn't get frustrated with herself for not being able to fully enjoy it, when Santana confessed that she couldn't decide where to sit. Brittany's face broke out into a grin and she shook her head at Santana's careful through process. It was so Santana- always weighing everything so carefully, wanting to pick the very best option.

"That sounds good to me," Brittany said, patting the seat beside her for Santana, feeling a little flurry of excitement when Santana once again described it as their starlight. "You look beautiful," Brittany said, picking up her fork and beginning to cut some of the salmon into tiny pieces for them- smaller pieces helped Santana, she knew. "I wanted to do this for you because I know the anniversary was hard and we didn't plan for it right, and I've almost been back a year in November, and I thought we needed something to end the summer," Brittany continued explaining as she spoke. "Because you've been making a lot of big steps lately and I wanted to celebrate you." She explained simply, wanting to be simple and direct with Santana, knowing she didn't get nearly as much attention and recognition as she deserved growing up and wanting to make sure she always knew how proud Brittany was of her.

Santana sat on Brittany's left, the spot she always chose, since they eat with opposite hands and therefore wouldn't be bumping elbows using silverware. She nevertheless sat close enough for their shoulders and hips to touch, even as she angled herself so they were not quite sitting horizontally. She wanted, as she had said, to be able to see Brittany.

She scoffed slightly, rolling her eyes, as Brittany said she looked beautiful. Her hair was wavy and unruly from swimming and then drying in the sun, and she wasn't wearing makeup or anything at all to make herself look "beautiful." At the same time, though, Brittany looked equally casual, and to Santana, she still looked every bit as gorgeous, if not more so, than when she made an effort to dress up.

She squirmed a little, the hand holding the fork pausing as Brittany mentioned the anniversary and how difficult it had been for her, but she pushed herself to put the small bite of food in her mouth nevertheless. It was cooked as she preferred, exactly the right consistency and seasoning, which made it easier to eat some days. Santana wanted to deflect Brittany's acknowledgement of her "big steps" and her desire to celebrate her, but she couldn't exactly deny that she had made progress when she herself had talked about it with her more than once.

She had taken steps that were big for her. It was huge to go on a vacation, even a small, remote one like this. It was huge to go swimming in a bathing suit, to take off her clothes. It was huge to have sex again, to have an internship, to be nearly finished with school. It was huge to have traveled on a plane and to gain enough weight to menstruate and to talk about how she felt and what she remembered. Maybe they didn't feel like things to celebrate, but she kind of liked that Brittany thought they were.

"Thanks," she said softly, pressing her shoulder a little more into Brittany's. "This is really sweet. It means a lot."

Brittany grinned at the way Santana didn't dismiss her own accomplishments. She sometimes did try, but Brittany was always adamant to make sure she recognized her own growth and achievements. She knew, deep down, part of Santana loved the attention and praise because it had been such a seldom thing for her to receive growing up, and Brittany tried to give her as much of it as she could, as if trying to make up for lost time with her.

Smiling, she turned her head, ducking down to kiss Santana's shoulder through the material of her shirt before they continued eating. "It'll be fun to sleep out here under the stars," Brittany grinned, "It'll be like camping, but- as close to camping as we'll probably ever go," She giggled. She was way more outdoorsy than Santana was, but even she wasn't necessarily into the idea of camping fully. Plus, she knew, sleeping in a tent would be scary to Santana.

"What movie do you want to watch?" Brittany asked curiously as the ipod she'd plugged in continued to play songs in the background. "We don't have to check out at a certain time tomorrow or anything so we can sleep in as late as we want," She mused before taking another bite, her eyes flicking over to Santana to make sure that she was doing the same. It was almost a habit at this point, the way she'd routinely check up on Santana when they ate, occasionally stepping in or bringing it up when Santana was having a particularly tough day, asking her about it or holding Brittany's fork up to Santana's own lips for a bite. It was rare Santana would ever argue with her, usually doing better when she had help from Brittany if she needed it.

Taking a few more bites, Brittany sat back her chair, slinging her arm around the back of Santana's chair, tilting her head back to look at the lights. Her mind was running endlessly about what would come next, how it would be, all the things she had thought to say and rehearsed so many times in her head, walking home from the studio, in the shower, after Santana fell asleep, thinking of all the ways she could tell her that she loved her and how much she loved her.

Santana giggled as Brittany kissed her shoulder, ducking her head as though to try to escape the gesture but really letting her head come into contact with Brittany's instead. As Brittany reminded her that they would be indoor camping in her makeshift starry night, she smiled softly, imagining it. Sleeping under the "stars" that wouldn't go away with daylight was definitely preferred to camping outside. Santana had never liked the idea of bugs and dirt and possible wild animals nearby, and not the chipmunk or deer variety.

Considering Brittany's question about what movie to watch, Santana considered. She wanted to watch a movie that had a starry night scene, but all the ones she could think of were sad. There was A Beautiful Mind, The Lion King, and Aladdin, sort of. There was also Scream, but of course that was out of the question. Finally she responded, "Aladdin?" It was the least problematic of what she could think of.

She could tell that Brittany was watching how she ate, something that agitated her on her worse days, but today it felt like caring, like a form of support. Santana had not yet reached the point where she was sure of what "normal" eating looked like or felt like, and so she tended to try to model after Brittany with just a bit less than the other woman consumed.

As Brittany leaned back, wrapping her arm around her, Santana snuggled closer automatically, putting down her fork. Something in Brittany seemed off, jittery or nervous in a way that wasn't like her and didn't make sense to her considering that the surprise had gone over well and was over, anyway. She looked over at her with some concern, studying her. "Brittany? Are you all right? You seem kind of jittery."

She grinned at Santana's suggestion that they watch Aladdin, sounding perfect to her. "I love Aladdin," Brittany smiled, even though Santana knew this. "A Whole New World is the best, and Aladdin and Jasmine are both hot," Brittany giggled. Santana would make an especially hot Jasmine for Halloween or something, and Brittany filed that idea away for later.

When Santana cuddled into her, she hummed contentedly, glancing down once at their plate to make sure that they'd both eaten enough, Santana especially. She was satisfied, she decided, turning her head back up to look at the stars, knowing Santana had her eyes trained on Brittany's face. When she asked if she was okay, Brittany forced herself to take a deep breath and calm down, because really, the surprise had been going so perfectly, if it got ruined it would be her fault. "I just want our whole night to be perfect before we go back to the city," She answered honestly, turning her head to face Santana. "And I don't want going back to New York to stress you out," She confessed, which was true - that was something Santana was thinking of, even though it wasn't the particular thing making her jittery at the moment.

She picked up her freehand, the arm not around Santana, tracing it down the bridge of Santana's nose. "But right now it's tonight and not tomorrow so my only focus is on you having the best night ever," Brittany smiled, leaning to kiss Santana's forehead. "Will you dance with me?" She wondered. There was already music playing from the iPod she had set up, a steady stream of calm, loving songs that they both liked to listen to- it was the playlist Brittany had made months ago and sometimes put on for Santana to get her to sleep or calm her down. Disentangling their limbs where they sat, Brittany stood up, picking up the plate and their silverware and putting it in the sink before returning to the table, where she curtseyed deeply in front of Santana, holding out her hand. "Santana Lopez, may I have this dance?" She wondered.

"Well, I figured it fits," Santana shrugged, in response to Brittany's approval of her movie choice. "They go out at night and see the stars, right? And we can sing parts. We can trade off who gets to be Jasmine." She loved singing Jasmine's part but secretly loved deepening her voice to sing Aladdin's too. It was one of her favorite Disney movies too, not the least because she had had a childhood crush on Jasmine.

Santana didn't fail to notice Brittany taking a breath and continued to regard her with some concern as she waited for her answer. She watched her closely as Brittany answered, accepting her response, and gave her a small nod and a sweet smile of reassurance.

"It already is perfect. Don't stress about it, I love it, and I love how much you wanted to do this for me. I love you," she emphasized, pressing a kiss to her cheek. "And…I mean, New York probably will stress me out," she confessed, unable to deny that it's true. "But I can handle it. It's okay. I've been handling it, and it's just back to reality, is all. But we can keep escaping it when we need to. I know that now."

She smiled again, letting her forehead come to rest briefly against Brittany's when Brittany asked her to dance with her. She could never say no to that. As Brittany put up their remnants from dinner, Santana started to stand, then stopped, giggling, when Brittany curtsied and asked her formally to dance. Still smiling, she nodded, her dimples betraying her effort at a serious tone in response.

"Yes, Madame, I accept."

Stepping forward into Brittany's arms, she entwined their fingers and laced her arm around her back, moving in close to her and letting her lead. She put her head on Brittany's shoulder, taking in a breath to soak in her scent, her touch, the magic of everything between them and around them in the moment.

"I'm happy," she whispered, as much to herself as to Brittany. "I feel happy."

Brittany grinned when Santana insisted it was perfect and she loved her, urging her not to stress. It was so sweet- so innocent, when Santana truly had no idea just what was stressing Brittany out so much, what she was really nervous about. Pulling Santana into her arms, Brittany swayed back and forth with her to the song on the iPod, not really concentrating on steps at all. She let the feeling of Santana's body against hers calm her, even as her mind spun. Idly, she wondered if Santana could feel the way her heart was hammering against her ribs. She thought it was slightly ridiculous, how nervous she felt, but she realized how close she was to doing something she'd thought about since they were 16- something she knew Santana had thought about. She'd already proposed to her once, but this one, now, was infinitely more important. Somehow, between their first engagement and now, they'd both grown up so much and crossed hurdles they'd once never dreamed of facing. And she knew, most importantly, that this time meant so much more to Santana.

Santana, her precious Santana. Who still fought so many battles each day and fought so many of them for Brittany, trusting Brittany and pushing herself because she knew Brittany would catch her if she fell. Brittany always wanted to be there to catch her, and she said as much as she held her, Santana head heavy and comforting on her shoulder. "I'm happy too," Brittany said in response, the blood rushing in her ears. "I'm always happy with you. I'm happier than I ever was on tour." She confessed. "The past ten months back with you have been a second chance I never thought I'd get, and even coming back, I had no idea what it would be like," She continued, her thumb rubbing over the bumps of Santana's knuckles where their fingers laced together.

"I want to keep doing this with you forever, Santana," Brittany said, pulling back so she could take Santana's hands in both of hers, so she could look at her, her eyes shimmering in the artificial light. "I want grow up with you and have kids with you and do everything with you." She hadn't really planned to say much of a speech, knowing she and Santana barely ever thought about what to say to each other. "Since the day I got back I've always known it was you, even though there were times where I had no idea how to help you or if we were doing the right thing for you. You've always been whole and complete and perfect to me exactly as you are and I could never imagine being with anyone else or any other version of you than the one that's standing right in front of me," She said, shaking her head gently.

"You are the best thing that's ever happened to me in my entire life, and I have no idea who I'd be without you there. You're kind and genuine and silly and know exactly what to say to me all the time and I love it when you need me and reach for me in your sleep and let me hold you and touch you and push you all because you love me." She said, pausing to swallow the lump in her throat. "I know there are still bad days and scary things but I love all of it because I get to do all of it with you and it only makes me fall in love with you more," Brittany said, her voice burning with intensity, her eyes holding Santana's steady, refusing to look away. "I used to think, once, that letting you go would be better for you but I know now the only way for us to be is together. I want to be there for you every morning when you wake up and every time you get upset and need me and every time you look around trying to find my eyes. I want to be there for all of it and I want you to always be able to crawl into my lap or hide your face in my hair and tell me all the things you're thinking and all the things you keep inside. I want to always be able to pick you up and calm you down when the world gets to be too much and I always want to exist just like this, just the two of us in our own little world. I want to keep feeding you bites of my food and washing your hair and helping you tie your bikini back on. I want to know every part of you even more than I do right now and I want to give you a hundred million little memories just like this. I want to be able to look at you and know exactly what you want and need just like I do now and I want all of you, everything. I want to keep making love with you and figuring everything out and I want to keep you safe and close to me all the time and I want us to make every single decision together. "

"I've never been more in love with you than I am right now, and I want to be your family. You've always been mine and I've always been yours since we met and I want it to be permanent." Brittany said as her voice wobbled, finally sinking to one knee on the hearth in front of Santana. "I want to show you how you deserved to be loved every single day." Letting go of Santana's hands, Brittany reached into the pocket of her shorts with her right, trying to still her hand from shaking as she opened the ring box, her eyes still holding Santana's. Inside, the ring was delicate, a gold band with single, shining oval diamond in its center. Simple, beautiful, and sparkling in the light. Brittany had to swallow again, fighting to find her voice, rendered speechless by the look on Santana's face. "Santana Vera Lopez," She began, "Every single part of you is perfect. The reason I exist is to love you, and I'll love you for the rest of my life. Will you marry me?"

Santana could feel Brittany's heart, beating hard and fast against her own. She was perplexed by it- had Brittany really been that nervous about making a surprise for her? Had she thought Santana wouldn't like it or something? Or was she really that worried that Santana would struggle with returning to New York? Was it possible that Brittany herself was struggling with the thought of returning to New York? Had their calm, isolated time away made her realize that she herself was struggling?

It wasn't making Santana anxious, exactly, but it did bother her that Brittany seemed upset, and she stroked her shoulders and back, trying to give reassurance to her without making her talk about it before she was ready.

When Brittany did begin to speak, Santana lifted her head to look into her eyes, expecting that she would finally tell her what was troubling her. She lifted her eyebrows, somewhat skeptical, when Brittany lead by saying she was happy, but as Brittany continued, sincere, she grew confused. Even as Brittany rubbed her hands, telling her how happy she was, more than she thought possible, since coming back to her, she still seemed keyed up, and not in an excited way so much as a nervous way. Santana definitely could tell the difference, and so she just waited her out, letting her talk, even as she stayed concerned.

Was she about to tell her that she wanted to move away from New York, jobs and leases and school be damned? If she did, could they make that work? Or was it something more? Was Brittany telling her she was happy right before she told her something horrible, like that she was sick, dangerously so? Had something happened before they left or while they were gone that she had to try to soften the blow to say to her?

As Brittany continued, telling her about the life she wanted with her, the same life that Santana had always known she wanted with Brittany too, Santana had to restrain herself from interrupting to demand for her to get to the point. She seemed to be building to one, one that Santana was increasingly convinced was a scary one she knew Santana wouldn't like to hear. Why else go to all this trouble to try to make her feel happy and loved? Why else wait until the last day and tell her all these things she loved about her all at once? She was telling her all the things she wanted to do for her and keep doing for her- did that mean she wouldn't be able to do them anymore soon? What was happening, what was she trying to tell her?

She parted her lips, but the words she wanted to ask dried on her tongue as Brittany continued earnestly, her heart beating faster than ever. As she told Santana that she was always her best thing, that she was her family, always, Santana felt close to tears with confusion and anxiety. When Brittany went to one knee, she gasped, thinking that she was fainting or falling, reaching to try to stop her, to hold her up. But then she stopped, confused, because Brittany was clearly not unconscious or nearing it. She was only on one knee, not on the ground, and she was reaching in her pocket...she was taking out...no. There was no way, Santana was not seeing what she thought she was. There was no way that was a ring box in her hand.

But it was. It was, and Brittany was opening it, holding it out to her, sparkly and pure in its beauty. It looked exactly like what Santana would have chosen for herself, and she stared at it, struck dumb with the realization of what was actually happening rather than her fears, before Brittany speaking her full name snapped her back to focus.

She had asked her to marry her. Brittany had just asked her to marry her.

A high pitched squeak escaped her throat, and her hands flapped twice in the air with shock and excitement mingled with overwhelmed relief. Falling down onto her knees in front of Brittany, Santana broke into tears, even as she took both of Brittany's hands into hers, awkwardly with the ring box still in them, and nodded, looking her directly in the eyes.

"Oh god, yes. Yes, yes, yes."

Brittany realized that she was crying- that they were both crying. That somewhere in confessing her love to Santana, the tears had dribbled over the edge of her lash line. She didn't bother to brush her tears away, letting them streak down her cheeks as her heart swelled. Santana, suddenly, was directly in front of her at eye level, on her knees, and Brittany laughed at the way she'd crumpled, grasping onto her hands almost desperately, clinging, as if in disbelief. Brittany had never thought Santana would say no to her, but seeing her nod, hearing her elated, breathy yes, set off an eruption of fireworks in Brittany's heart. They were engaged. Santana was her fiancee. This was it. They were going to get married. She'd make Santana her wife. Thinking about it sent off a new wave of fireworks in Brittany chest, and she gripped Santana's hands back equally as tightly as she watched her nod, Santana now crying too.

After a moment, Brittany tugged her hands free, one hand still clutching the ring box, to frame Santana's face in her hands, her palms on either side of Santana's cheeks. "I love you, and I want to be with you forever. You will always, always have me, and you're the only person who gets to have me, and I have you." She repeated, mostly because it was important to her that Santana heard her, as simple and plain as that statement was. She needed Santana to hear her outright, to understand that Brittany was choosing her, wanting to be with her every day, forever, in a way that no one, not even Santana's own parents, had before. She was vowing her life to Santana in a way that Santana had never had, and Brittany had never felt more full of conviction or confident about any decision ever. Santana deserved this. This permanency, infinity, a world where she'd never be alone. And even though Brittany had been giving her that for years, save for their break up, it was so, so different this time.

This time, they had somehow grown decades in a relationship of only ten months. She knew so much more about Santana, and Santana knew so much more about her, and their connection had deepened infinitely. The way Brittany loved Santana while she was touring was nothing compared to the way Brittany loved Santana now, as if it swallowed up her whole existence, as if she knew outright that she was made to exist for Santana, to be Santana's. There was nothing else Brittany ever wanted, nothing could ever sound so perfect. In all the ways Santana's family had failed her, Brittany would give Santana her life and love one hundred times over. It seemed like such a small trade for a life spent loving Santana, her perfect other half.

Before she'd even had the ring on her finger, Brittany leaned forward, slinging one arm around Santana's neck to pull her body into hers where they knelt in the living room, pressing her mouth against Santana's. She could feel both of their wet cheeks as they kissed, the soft of Santana's lower lip as she slid her tongue across it. When before she had been the one nervously trembling, now it was Santana, and she smiled into her mouth as she held her against her body, kissing her until she was breathless, drowning in the feel and taste of her mouth. She kissed her hard and deep, her fiancee, her soon to be wife. It was as perfect as Brittany could have ever imagined, and she felt her eyes well again thinking that this was their life.

Pulling away so they could breathe, she pressed her forehead to Santana's, both of their breath coming in ragged gasps as she held Santana to her. Her fingers still trembling, she held the ring box between them, opening it again to take the ring out of its pillowed cushion. Holding her hand out for Santana's left hand, she waited until Santana placed her palm in hers before sliding the ring onto her fourth finger snugly, a perfect fit. "Mine," Brittany breathed softly.

Tears still streaming, vision blurred, Santana could nevertheless see that Brittany was crying too as the other woman squeezed her hands. Santana's chest felt tight with the emotional enormity of the moment, and yet she felt light enough to float away, awed by what had just happened. It was a huge thing to take in and believe.

Brittany wanted her, as she had always promised, now and forever. She loved her and believed in her, every part of her, so much that she actually wanted to marry her. The last proposal didn't even cross her mind; it seemed so much less in meaning and weight than this one. Just as Brittany was feeling how very different her love for Santana was now than before, how much deeper and strong and true, Santana could feel the difference of this moment and the difference in Brittany's love, in her own love for Brittany. She felt the intensity of every promise Brittany gave her and knew and believed she would follow through.

As Brittany pulled her into her body, kissing her, Santana kissed her back feverishly, needing to be closer, needing to touch her, to reassure herself that this moment was no dream or wishful vision. She needed to be sure this was real, and as Brittany continued to kiss her until she was almost faint, until her chest heaved against Brittany's and her body shook, alit with intensity of their intimacy, tears spilled over again when Brittany pulled her mouth away, giving her a chance to breathe. She clung to her, still crying, unable to form words even in her mind to express what this meant to her, how she was feeling. But to Santana, this was everything. To be so loved and accepted, to be wanted and chosen just as she was, flaws and all, by Brittany Susan Pierce in particular. This was something she had yearned for, for nearly half her life, and now that it was happening, she had no words.

As Brittany took out the ring box, waiting for her to place her hand out to receive the ring, Santana managed, her hand trembling. At Brittany's murmured "Mine," Santana sobbed, but her lips curved into a shaky smile as she repeated.

"Y-you're mine too."

Brittany smiled against Santana's cheek when she felt her sob against her, knowing it was similar to the onslaught of emotion she was experiencing, likely infinitely more powerful because of how much it meant to Santana. She held her steady, her hand solid on her back, feeling Santana's emotions vibrate through her body in small tremors. Brittany too, felt immense relief- it had happened. She'd asked Santana to marry her, she had done it. After everything that the past ten months had been to them, Brittany had just told Santana, in a single gesture, that it was all worth it, that she'd do it all again one hundred times over for the rest of their lives, just to be able to be with her.

"Good," Brittany breathed against her cheek. Santana's was all Brittany ever really wanted to be, it was so much of who she'd been since they were 14 years old. Long before Santana had come to terms with her sexuality and they started dating, she'd still been Santana's, from the start, maybe before either of them had even known it. But now, it was final, permanent, and it felt better than Brittany could've ever imagined. Now, Santana had a solid, always there reminder that Brittany loved her - a reminder that she was chosen by someone and that she had a family and a place to go home to forever, wherever that may be. It seemed unimaginable that she could give Santana such a huge gift in her love alone, but Brittany was glad for it.

"Sit with me, I want to hold you," Brittany breathed around her tears, the want so pure and primal, wanting Santana's body as close to her as she could have her. Keeping her arm around Santana as she gently stood and moved them to the couch, mostly because she wanted to be able to sink into it and let Santana sink into her, without the two of them kneeling on the floor in disbelief. She sighed as she fell against the couch, Santana against her body. She could feel her crying against her still, the two of them still overcome with emotions, the disbelief and joy that came with expressing their feelings in such a pure, permanent way was immeasurable.

She brushed her hand through Santana's hair, still blinking tears from her own eyes, whispering a steady cadence of "I love you, I love you, I love you" against Santana's temple, because it encompassed everything she needed to say, and she was still reeling in the wake of confessing just how ready she was to dedicate her life to Santana. She hadn't intended to make much of a speech at all, knowing exactly what she needed to say to impress upon Santana what she wanted her to remember, that this was real, this was forever, that she was giving Santana a family in this gesture, one that would love her and accept her and be there unconditionally, something she'd never have, but now something she'd never go without.

Now that she had started crying, Santana couldn't seem to make herself stop. She kept her arms wound around Brittany, needing to be close to her, needing to have her still there, still with her, choosing to choose her. Choosing to love her, forever. It was enormous to her, understanding that she would have this, what she had always wanted and needed so very much, what she had never quite felt deserving of from anyone, but especially from Brittany.

As Brittany shifted them onto the couch, telling Santana that she wanted to hold her, Santana let her move her, her own limbs clumsy and grasping to keep contact with Brittany. She sat in her lap quickly, pressing their torsos together and facing her, face bowing into its familiar and most comforting spot in the crook of Brittany's neck and shoulder. She was still trembling with the emotion overwhelming her. Even with the shock and relief and joy of the moment, more than the strength of the love she felt for Brittany and felt from her in return, she felt pain and grief too from all they had missed in all the years that they had not let this be. She realized as she held onto Brittany that as much as their friends would no doubt support them, and the Pierces too, her own family would never come close to understanding the love between them, were incapable of it. It was very possible that the most she could get from her parents in response to the news of their engagement was a "that's nice," and all she could expect from her abuela was disgust.

Even so, she took in Brittany's caresses, her repeated whispering of her love, and her wave of emotions slowly began to recede. Lying calmer and more limp against her, Santana rested, letting herself come down from it. Her words hoarse, she whispered into Brittany's neck, "We're going to get married. We really are this time."

Brittany held her close against her body, knowing that she wanted as much contact as possible, just like Brittany did, and wanting to give that to her as much as possible as they both let the waves of emotions wash over them. Shew was reminded, in that moment, how much Santana relied on her, how much she depended on her for emotional validation, love, comfort, and a million other little things that she didn't get from anyone else. Instead of intimidating her, Brittany felt empowered by it, empowered by Santana's raw need for her and her alone. What Santana wanted, Brittany could give her in abundance. She could easily love her for the rest of her life, reassure her, remind her that she was whole and perfect and loved beyond what she could possibly imagine. She was Santana's entire world in that moment, she realized, just as much as Santana had always been hers, but even more. And, Brittany knew, she would not fail. She would not fail again. Santana deserved everything, and Brittany was determined to give her everything.

Spent from the emotional exhaustion of thinking about nothing but the proposal all day long, Brittany was heavy on the couch, still as Santana trembled against her. Their hips and rips and shoulders pressed together, and Brittany could feel the flat of Santana's forehead and the bridge of her nose where she pressed her face against Brittany's skin, home. Brittany sniffled against her, rubbing her hands up and down Santana's upper arms, her back, her thighs where they straddled Brittany's hips. "I love you so much," She whispered happily as Santana cried against her, the last fitful bursts of tears fizzling out. "I love you, I love you," She hummed, her hands mapping the bones and joints and limbs of the most perfect person Brittany had ever loved, that she'd ever known.

Smiling at Santana's whispers against the base of her ear, Brittany felt a twinge of melancholy. Technically, they should already be married, and her heart panged at the memory of the fact that she'd left Santana once, had broken off this perfect, utterly infinite relationship once. She knew, though, if they'd continued on the track they'd been going, they would've never lasted. The complicated dynamic they'd built- the way Santana's career-minded focus and Brittany's opportunities had stacked against them to create a relationship that couldn't last. She regretted leaving Santana with every fiber of her being, regretted that Santana had been assaulted, but she couldn't bring herself to regret the broken road that lead them back together. The hardships that allowed them to form the relationship they had right then, more transparent and dependent on each other than ever.

"I'm going to marry you one day," Brittany said, and this time, it was a fact, not a. dream. She drew her hand up to threat it to through the hair at the base of Santana's skull, rubbing her thumb into the divot at the base of her neck. "We're going to get married and wear white and it will be real and you'll be my wife for the rest of our lives and even longer than that," Brittany promised, unable to keep herself from beaming at the thought. "We were meant for each other," She said simply, because she knew that it was true, above all. "I was made to love you," Brittany smiled into Santana's temple, turning her head so she could pepper kisses across the exposed part of Santana's face.

Santana's body was calm, flush against Brittany in her lap as she relaxed into her, further soothed by Brittany's hands rubbing over her body, touching her everywhere, settling her nerves back into a more manageable state. She breathed in and out, matching her breaths with Brittany's, and let her limbs go heavy in Brittany's arms. She whispered back to her, the words still husky with the just finished tears.

"I love you. So much."

Unlike Brittany, Santana isn't dwelling on the past of their broken engagement. In spite of her words, she is simply marveling on the amazing fact that they are going to get married, that this time, she believes with all her being that it will take place. This time is different, feels different, and she doesn't for a moment doubt that she is going to be Brittany's wife. It wasn't that she had doubted it would happen the first time, but it had seemed more like a fantasy that they hoped for rather than a reality. Now, it felt fully tangible and inevitable. As Brittany was telling her, they were meant to be with each other, made to love each other. The past ten months had proven to Santana time and time again that this was so.

As Brittany rubbed her neck, Santana turned her head slightly, letting it rest against Brittany's shoulder rather than hiding her face. She lifted her eyes up to look into Brittany's, smiling, even through her tearstained cheeks as Brittany kissed all over her face. When Brittany finally drew back, she brushed her thumb over the other woman's cheek, slowly stroking an outline of her face.

"We're going to be wives," she repeated, falling into her habit of processing information aloud to herself that Brittany told her. "Forever."

She paused, then said with awe, not even second guessing for a second the other possibility, "I'm going to be Santana Pierce."

She digested this for a few more moments before saying, "We have to let your family know. And Rachel and Kurt. And Quinn. Can we figure out a way to tell them where they don't throw a surprise happy engagement party that's obnoxious and noisy and all about them?"

Brittany let her eyes shut, reveling in the comforting weight of Santana's body against hers, flush and heavy and secure against her chest, Santana's limbs loosening and resting against her, feeling the emotions seep from her body leaving a relaxed, calmed Santana in their wake. She continued rubbing her body though, knowing the heavy, smoothing pressure of her hands comforted her, her thumbs always rubbing circles of love into Santana's smooth skin. "Hi," She breathed with a smile when Santana looked at her, kissing each of her eyelids in turn, Santana's face overjoyed and teary and elated. She looked almost childlike in her joy, and Brittany knew her expression mirrored Santana's. They were drowning in love and adoration and Brittany never wanted the moment to over.

Her eyes fluttered shut as Santana's fingers traced the structure of her face, something Santana always did, even though Brittany trusted that Santana knew her features by heart. She smiled as Santana traced over the curve of her lip, the muscles of her face calm and unflinching under her fingers. When Santana spoke, saying the word wives, Brittany's whole face broke out into a grin and she cracked one eye open, then the other. It was Santana's most simple characteristic, her repetition, but hearing her repeat things like that- real true, things now, made Brittany's heart stutter and thump with love. "Forever," She repeated back, their little game. "Forever and forever and forever."

If Santana saying the word wives made Brittany's heart thump, hearing her say Santana Pierce made it stop completely, and Brittany felt like her insides were soaring from hearing the words strung together like that. "You want to be Santana Pierce?" Brittany asked, checking with her, her eyes glancing down to Santana's face. "I want you to be because I want you to know you're really, seriously my family, but I didn't know if you'd not want to give up Lopez," She said honestly, knowing it was something they could talk about, especially since Brittany didn't care either way. She'd be anything, as long as it meant she was Santana's and Santana was hers.

Giggling, Brittany rolled her eyes playfully. "Oh my family is going to freak," She said knowingly, already picturing the reactions of her parents and the shrieks that would come out of Hailey's mouth. "And Rachel and Kurt might even be worse than that," She admitted, knowing their shrieks would be louder. The idea of sharing it with people made her excited. "I haven't told anyone," She admitted, "I didn't want anyone to know before you."

Santana smiled as Brittany stroked her arms and back, her legs and face, then giggled as Brittany greeted her with their usual ritual of regulating and reconnecting after one of them had been upset. She let her eyes close with Brittany's kisses against their lids, breathing back her response. "Hi."

When Brittany reaffirmed for her that they would be wives, forever, smiling widely, Santana smiled back, but her expression grew more serious as Brittany questioned her desire to be a Pierce. She nodded, the gesture firm and sure as she kept her hand against Brittany's cheek.

"I do. I want to be Santana Pierce. What is it about being a Lopez that I should be holding onto?"

She said the words with little sadness, more resignation than anything. "There's nothing so special about being a Lopez. There's plenty that isn't. Being a Pierce, though, that' s something to be proud of. I want to be your family. I don't need to hang onto my name to know who I am, but I do like the idea of a new name to show it."

She groaned, more for show than anything, as Brittany talked about their family and friends freaking. Rolling her eyes, she mimed knocking herself upside her own skull. "Kill me now. They're gonna deafen me with their shrieks. Broadway Duet, anyway, not your family. We can tell them. Do we have to tell anyone else? I take it back, I say we let them know like, on our fifth anniversary."

Brittany tilted her hand into Santana's hand, noticing her expression flicked slightly more serious and understanding why. Brittany knew the obvious answer, when getting married, would be to hyphenate their last names- Lopez-Pierce, but she also knew that neither of them would've liked it. It was too halfway, and she knew before she even proposed or asked that question that they'd want the same last name, they'd want to be joined by one last name. For awhile, she thought about Brittany Lopez, the two of them sharing the last name, as if to give Santana a little family she'd never had. However, it would separate them from Brittany's family, in a way, when that was really the family they were marrying into rather than the Lopez family.

Smiling sadly, Brittany nodded into her hand, she understood. It broke her heart a little to hear Santana say it, but she knew that she was right. "Being a Lopez is something to be proud of too," Brittany pointed out softly, because she truly believed it was. Although they had their issues, Brittany knew Santana looked up to her Abuela and looked up to her parents, and Britany had always grown up doing the same. Although she didn't argue with her on the issue- she would love for Santana to be a Pierce, and she knew that would mean much more to Santana than just a last name. "Santana Lopez is the girl I fell in love with, but I think you're right- a new name could be good, my name," Brittany blushed, swooning at the thought of Santana taking her last name. It was so fitting and romantic the more she thought about it - Santana Pierce. It was so different, but beautiful all the same.

Tickling Santana's ribs, Brittany shook her head, "You know they'll find out somehow, even if we don't tell them." She joked, as if not telling their friends was even an option for them. Brittany knew, although Santana was pretending to not want it- she secretly would love the attention and celebration and everything that went into being a bride, even if she pretended to balk at the attention Rachel and Kurt would undoubtedly shower her with.

"We can Facetime them later or in the morning," Brittany promised. "Right now, I just want to be with you," She admitted, relaxing more into the couch, Santana basically laying against her torso. "This is all just for us," She breathed, reaching up to brush a strand of hair off Santana's face, the dried tear tracks glinting on her cheeks.

Santana sighed, unsure how to answer Brittany in the moment, not wanting to break the beauty they had shared of their intimacy and romance just before. She wasn't so sure that being a Lopez was something to be proud of. Being a Lopez was about status and tradition, social and familial expectations and privacy of self. Those were things that chafed Santana, things she couldn't fit into, even as she could fit in with the Lopez strength and breaking of barriers often held out to attempt to bar them in. She wasn't sure she identified as a Lopez anymore, so much as she identified as just Santana.

"Being a Lopez doesn't make me who I am, or who I want to be," she said quietly. "I'm Santana, not a Lopez. I'm Brittany's fiancée," she said, squeezing her fingers tightly for emphasis. "I'm a lot of things before I'm a Lopez. And I want to be a Pierce."

She smiled suddenly, mischief glinting in her eyes. "Santana Pierce. S. Pierce. I'm going to be a Spears like you, Brittany S. Pierce!"

She squealed, batting at Brittany's hands when she tickled her, even as she made no real effort to get away. "They will not! Not if we have our wedding in an underground lagoon, or in an igloo in Antarctica, or in a tropical rainforest, they care too much about the lack of hair gel and vegan food options to follow us there! Come on, let's spring it on them five years down the line, maybe about the time that we can casually spring a pregnancy for a two for one!"

Her smile softened when Brittany stroked her face, telling her that she just wanted her for now. That was how Santana felt too. She lay back against her again, letting her head come to fall against her chest to listen to her heartbeat. "Exactly. I just want you too."

"That's true," Brittany acquiesced, brushing the hair off Santana's face lovingly. "I'm not arguing with you, I'd love for you to be a Pierce. I just wanted to make sure you'd love it too. And even if you are a Pierce, you don't have to give something up for it," Brittany said, wanting to make sure even through the name change Santana knew she would still have her family history, as complicated and shoddy as it was. "You are Santana, my fiancee," She repeated with a smile. "My best thing," Brittany added softly, thinking back to when she'd sang to Santana after the hospital, when Santana had looked up at her, teary and desperate, asking her if she was still Brittany's best thing, after all this time. Moments later, when Brittany had kissed her for the very first time since she'd been back.

Grinning from each to ear, Brittany rolled her eyes at Santana's comment about being a "spears" - "There can only be one Brittany Spears," She pointed out, hesitating for dramatic effect. "And it's totally me," She was only able to keep a straight face for so long until she dissolved into a fit of giggles at their joke, shaking her head and laughing even more at Santana's loathe of Rachel and Kurt knowing and making a big deal about it. "You simply cannot escape this, they will totally find a way," Brittany said, knowing it was true, and knowing, secretly, Santana would love the attention she got from being a bride.

"I can't believe I did that," Brittany said softly, reaching for Santana's left hand so she could look at the ring on it, marveling at the sight of it finally on her finger. "I've been thinking about this the entire time," Brittany confessed, "Like, every night after you go to bed and while I was at dance," She smiled, not embarrassed or ashamed to show Santana how much work and thought she'd really put into planning the whole thing, as well as a good chunk of her savings to buy the ring that Brittany wanted to get it. "I can't believe you get to wear it now, I've been waiting for so long," She admitted, ducking her head to kiss each of Santana's knuckles on her left hand.

"Of course I'd love it," Santana responded, genuinely perplexed about why Brittany would even question it. "Why wouldn't I love being a Pierce? It's the best family to be a part of."

Understanding what she was asking, she said more seriously, "I know that I'm not erasing my past to change my name. I get that. I know it's still there. But that's what I want for my future. I want to be Santana Pierce. Your best thing," she smiled back, remembering even as Brittany did their layers of history with that phrase.

It was a sad and complicated history, going back to the time that Santana had broken up with Brittany after high school, purely out of the fear that Brittany would stop wanting her, that she was going to eventually lose her forever if she didn't lose her temporarily in the present. The break up hadn't stuck for long, but the song she used to break up with her had stuck vividly in their minds as an ironic underline of their relationship as a couple. She had referenced it again in the hospital, before they were even officially a couple again, needing then to know that even so, even after everything, she was still the person that Brittany would call her best thing, just as Brittany was the person Santana called hers.

She loved that more than anything, more than any title, role, or action she could ever have in life. Being Brittany's fiancé, Brittany's choice. Brittany's best thing. She wanted so badly to keep that forever.

Giggling back at Brittany's denial of her right as Britney Spears, she shook her head playfully. "I never said I'm BRITTANY Spears, I just said I'm Spears. There can be more than one of those. Hell, there is a Jamie Lynn in the world, if the world has room for her, they can definitely shove over to give me the stage."

She groaned dramatically when Brittany pointed out that they couldn't escape Kurt and Rachel finding out, rolling her eyes to the ceiling and throwing her head back. "Yes, we can. We can. If we run far enough and hide long enough, they'll have to get distracted by some weird patchy facial hair guy and fight over who gets to keep him, they have weirdly similar taste in men. It's totally worth a try."

When Brittany confessed how long she had been planning the proposal, Santana sat up straighter, incredulous. She had never guessed that all this time Brittany was plotting, that she was saving up money and looking for the perfect ring, thinking of the perfect way to ask her. Not until today had she noticed anything different or off. Then it hit her.

"Did you plan this whole trip just so you could propose?! Oh my god, I had no idea! You are such a sneak!"

She laughed, dimples showing as she shook her head, fingers loose against Brittany's lips. "I love it. It's beautiful. It's exactly what I want. I'm never taking it off. I guess that's the point though."

Brittany smiled, blushing, knowing how genuine Santana was when she said that, knowing that she truly idolized Brittany's family and wanted to be a part of it. "You've always been part of it," She reassured her, because it was true. Katherine and Tom had taken one look at Brittany's fourteen year old friend and effortless folded her into their family without questioning it. She knew now it was real, now it was more significant, but to Brittany, and she assumed her parents also, Santana had been part of them all along.

She watched recognition dawn on Santana's face, realizing how much planning Brittany had put into it, how much thought had been behind the single gesture that would bring them for life. "Yeah," Brittany confessed, bashful at revealing just how thought out it had been, how intentional, how much time she'd devoted to thinking about marrying Santana, choosing a ring and planning it.

Even though she knew Santana would love it, knew Santana would cry, knew it meant the world to her, to hear her say it meant something to Brittany, and she felt her own throat grow thick with emotion. "I've been thinking about it for so long," She repeated, "I knew I wanted to marry you that night on the bleachers, even though I'd only been back in America for a month and we weren't together." She confessed, "Going back to Lima with you was such a big deal to me, and the fact that you'd agreed to go to therapy- I knew you agreed just because of me, and you were spending so much time back at the apartment," Brittany said, unable to cap her memories, wanting to share them with Santana, wanting to know.

"I don't think I was ready in the winter, I don't think we were," She confessed, knowing that after the confrontation with Santana's family, the emotions of therapy and the battles of Santana getting her period again and still fighting food much worse than she was now, it would've have been the right timing. "I decided to wait a little, but I knew then," Brittany promised. "We just fell back into rhythm so easily, and I knew that once I came home, I was never leaving you again," She shrugged her shoulders. "Even if we never got together and even if it never ended up becoming a proposal and marriage, I knew I would just be wherever you were." She vowed, "It was a simple decision, the easiest one I've had to make."

It felt true to Santana, even though she had often doubted and felt insecure about her place with the Pierces when she wasn't around them. As much as she loved them and felt safe and accepted in their presence, the moment that she was away from them, she had sometimes been plagued with doubt that maybe they were just being nice to her, that maybe they treated everyone that Brittany brought home like they treated her. Maybe she had done something stupid or said something embarrassing and the next time they wouldn't treat her the same way. But every time had been the same, loving and warm and accepting, and she had always gone back into feeling at ease. Feeling part of them.

As she listened to Brittany explain just how much had gone into her planning for her proposal, how long she had been thinking it over and wanting to do it, Santana's mouth opened slightly with amazement, and she teared up again, overcome with awe as she gripped Brittany's hands. It felt like such a long time ago, literally half a year ago, when they had sat on those bleachers and watched the stars. She had been in such a different place mentally and emotionally, trying so hard but still struggling so much. It was still hard for her, but it felt like she was becoming if not a different person, an altered one, for the better for the most part. Brittany was right. She wasn't ready then, but they both were now.

"I love you," she breathed, unable at first to come up with any further words. She squeezed Brittany's hands, blinking back tears, and took a deep breath before adding, "I want to show you. I want to show you how much...as your fiance."

She extracted one hand and slowly stroked it down Brittany's side, the implication obvious.

Brittany laughed when she saw the physical affects of her words, the shock of Brittany's revealing how long and hard she worked on it, playing plainly across Santana's face. If it wasn't so adorably cute, it would've made Brittany sad, Santana shouldn't be so shocked that people loved her and wanted to do nice things for her and loved her enough to plan something like this. But as always, Santana's expectations for things were nonexistent, which sometimes worked to Brittany's benefit because she was always so happy when Brittany surprised her with even the smallest of gestures.

She felt Santana's hands tighten around Brittany's fingers and brushed her thumbs across her knuckles gently, lovingly, calmingly, knowing Santana was overcome with emotion by the look on her face and the way her eyes swam. "I've been thinking about it all this time," She affirmed, repeating it slowly, gently for Santana, wanting her to be able to take it in and hear it. "I feel like almost right when I got here, I knew it'd be forever this time, I knew there was no going back. Even before I saw you," Brittany confessed with a melancholy smile, thinking about standing in her hotel room in Munich when the world stopped. "I knew that if I decided to come back to New York, that I was making a decision to come back forever, to come back to you forever." She smiled, "I didn't even think about the other option."

When Santana finally did speak, Brittany tilted her head, knowing exactly what Santana meant, exactly what Santana wanted, slightly shocked by it. They'd gotten better at sex since Pride, although that had only been two months ago and they'd only done it a handful of times since, but Santana had gotten much better about asserting what she wanted and needed. Still, Brittany was surprised Santana was initiating it here, now, because she wasn't sure how she'd do with being in the cabin and not the safety and security of their own apartment.

"Yeah?" Brittany asked, catching Santana's eyes, plainly reading her features for a trace of hesitation or doubt, which she didn't find. She knew Santana wasn't hiding it from her, she would've been able to see it anyway, and that solidified her resolve. Darting forward to give her a quick kiss, Brittany laced their hands together before pulling her off the couch, leading her to the bedroom.

Santana took in Brittany's affirmation, the repetition that she always welcomed and frequently needed, and that Brittany understood her need of. She took in a breath, still gripping Brittany's hands, and let herself absorb the meaning of her girlfriend- her fiance's- words. Part of her had known or suspected this, and yet every time Brittany restated or added an extra layer of explanation to her commitment to her, it felt like another layer of love and protection around her heart. Santana was willing to trust now that Brittany's word, that her love and presence, would be there, always, whatever happened.

"Yeah," she repeated back to Brittany, her words soft, but slightly more breathy, seductive in tone. She returned Brittany's kiss, wanting more than was delivered, before walking with her into the cabin's bedroom.

Santana could tell that Brittany was waiting for her to lead, as usual, that she knew this was what Santana wanted and was comfortable with. She gave Brittany a gentle push towards the bed, then used her hands to lay Brittany backwards, straddling over her with her legs spread apart, Brittany's legs beneath them, but not sitting on her, her hands on either side of Brittany's shoulders, holding her body just above her. The position was almost teasing, allowing some of her body to be in contact while also keeping from fully being atop her. She let her hair tickle Brittany's arms and chest as she leaned in to kiss her, dragging Brittany's mouth in a nip between her teeth, and then kissed her way down Brittany's neck. Still holding herself above Brittany, she began to kiss over her collar bones and upper chest, slow, tantalizing, feeling her body flood with the beginnings of excitement.

Brittany smiled at how breathy Santana already sounded- good sign. Even the fact that she was initiating this was a good sign, and Brittany was grinning when she tugged her through the bedroom door. She hesitated for a moment, patiently waiting to see what Santana would do. There were times when Santana took the lead when Brittany waited and times when Santana did nothing, silently letting Brittany know that she needed her to guide her in the situation. This was not one of those times, and Brittany stepped backward and let Santana push her flat, her body loose and obedient, letting Santana do what she wanted.

"Hot," Brittany smirked when Santana straddled her, pressing down on her shoulders. Santana leading sex was a fairly new thing- in the before times, they both battled for dominance and Brittany usually won - Santana would never admit loving being told what to do. But now, Brittany loved when Santana did lead, bringing her hands up to rest on Santana's hips where they hovered over her body, playing with the waistband of her shorts. She wiggled underneath her when the tips of Santana's hair dragged along her skin, leaving fire in their wake, but she tried to settle, to be patient.

Still, she was grateful when Santana leaned in to kiss her, kissing her back enthusiastically, a breathy whimper escaping her lips when she felt Santana's teeth close gently around her lip. She would've groaned in protest when Santana pulled her mouth off of hers if Santana hadn't began kissing down her jaw and then dragging her mouth lower and lower, kissing across all of the exposed skin over the neckline of Brittany's tank top. Her mouth felt wet-hot on Brittany's skin, and the moisture her mouth left behind made Brittany shiver, goosebumps erupting across her skin even though she wasn't even cold.

She registered that Santana was moving so slowly, nut not a hesitant-slow, more like an intentional slow, and Brittany huffed. "You're teasing me," She observed, tugging the hem of Santana's shirt up a few inches, signaling that she wanted it off of her.

Santana grinned down at Brittany, her features loose, relaxed. This moment is hot to her too; she has discovered in her experimenting with intimacy with Brittany since their renewed relationship that she likes to take control and direct how things go between them. Before, as Brittany had noticed, she had enjoyed being the one to given in, the one to be almost worshipped, but now it feels good, even empowering, for her to be the one to do this to Brittany. She feels stronger, making the choices, deciding what and how things go, and that makes it much more pleasurable and far less likely to make her get anxious or triggered.

As Brittany brushed her fingers over Santana's hips, playing with the waist of her shorts, Santana bucked herself slightly against her, making sure that Brittany's hands touched the bare skin of her abdomen. She felt Brittany shivering, heard her excited whimper and drawn in breaths, and she deliberately continued to just barely hold her body back from her, only minimally giving contact. When Brittany complained that she was teasing her, Santana snickered, but her own heart is beginning to speed up, as she has now succeeded in teasing herself as well.

"Got that right," she breathed, before letting her body settle fully on Brittany, stretched out over its length. Chest to chest, pelvis to pelvis, thigh to thigh, they are skin to skin in contact with each other nearly everywhere, and she pulls up Brittany's shirt, not fully removing it as she continues to nip and suck her way down and across her breasts. When Brittany pulls at Santana's shirt, she pulls back briefly, catching her breath, and lets her remove it, fumbling to get Brittany out of her own. Then she tugs Brittany up to crash her chest into her own, her nails scraping down her back as she kissed her fiercely, skin heating up with the added warmth of Brittany's against her chest.

Brittany smirked when Santana bucked her hips against her, satisfied by her reaction. Although Santana liked to pretend she was the one in control sometimes, Santana was always one to give herself away- bucking her hips eagerly at something, moaning, revealing to Brittany just how turned on she was even if she was trying to tease Brittany. Giggling, Brittany rolled her eyes at Santana's satisfied "got that right," but sighed in relief when Santana settled on top of her.

She let Santana pull up her shirt, completely at ease and letting Santana do what she wanted with her-trusting Santana so completely that she truly would've let her do anything, part of it wanting to show Santana how at ease she was, how comfortable and okay Brittany was if Santana ever faltered or tensed. She hadn't yet though, completely present in the moment, and Brittany smiled when she obediently let Brittany keep pulling at her shirt, tugging it the rest of the way of before instantly feeling Santana's own hands on her abdomen pulling her own shirt off. She let go of Santana's shirt, letting it fall to the floor so she could help her get her own shirt off.

Feeling Santana pull her up, Brittany wrapped her arm around Santana's back, letting their fronts crush together, exhaling at the feeling of it. She would've moaned when she felt Santana's nails scrape down her back teasingly, but Santana's mouth was on hers in an instant, stealing the breath from her lips. Brittany kissed her back just as eagerly, her hand coming up to tangle in Santana's hair at the base of her skull. Brittany kissed her and kissed her until she had to pull away to breathe, only pulling away momentarily before she lightly pulled the hair at the base of Santana's neck, getting her to tilt her head back into Brittany's hand so she could kiss down her jaw and drag her mouth across her neck.

Santana is almost panting as Brittany's mouth crashes against hers, her hand grasping her hair. She feels herself growing very warm, her entire body alit with arousal, and when Brittany pulled back, she whimpered at the loss of contact. She gulped in a breath, knowing that they both needed to, but was still eager and relieved when Brittany pulled her back to her.

She closed her eyes, muttering a wordless "Oh God, fuckkk" as Brittany started kissing down her neck and skin. Blindly her hands reached up, feeling for Brittany's breasts, stroking down her hips and squeezing her ass, trying to pull down her pants.

"Don't stop..." she managed, even as her hands roam over Brittany, pressing hard into her skin, nails digging in. "Please..."

Brittany smiled against her throat when Santana cursed, her lips working against her skin, sucking and nipping at her pulse point gently before moving on to a new spot. She could feel Santana's hands fumbling against her body, cupping her breasts before sliding down her back, feeling her hands pushing at the waistband of her shorts. She kept sucking against her neck, knowing she was driving Santana crazy based on the sound she was making.

She felt her own stomach coil tightly with her arousal, knowing Santana was just as, if not more turned on than she was, feeling how tight her muscles were and how her hands were borderline frantic, wanting to rid Brittany of all of her clothes and touch her every single place she could possibly reach. She loved how animalistic Santana became during sex, and how, especially now, she was so unguarded, moving because of her primal instincts and not thinking about things before she did them, not thinking or controlled by fear or anxiety.

It was beautiful, and Brittany was grateful Santana was able to let go that much during sex, even though, in so many ways, it was different now. Not different in a bad way, it was almost more beautiful now, the way they paid such careful attention to each other, Brittany especially, extra in-tune to Santana's body as much as her own. Making sure Santana wasn't freezing up, that her body was responding, and that she wasn't getting too wound up too quickly, not wanting her to get overwhelmed by what they were doing.

Grinning when she felt Santana's nails dig into her skin, the way her voice was ragged and rough, coming from the back of her throat, begging, she felt her own core flood with heat. Sucking in a few deep breaths, Brittany smiled against Santana's throat before letting her hands trail up to Santana's shoulders, pushing her back against the pillows gently before sitting back on her heels, both of their chests heaving.

"Relax," Brittany commanded, noticing how quick Santana's chest was rising and falling. "We have all the time in the world," Brittany grinned, rearranging her legs underneath her so she could pull her shorts off. It wasn't the first time she'd tried to slow Santana down- mostly because Santana got so riled up so quickly, she always had, and Brittany realized when they were 15 that half the time their sex would end up with Santana so overcome she'd cry, not that Brittany ever minded.

She slinked up and over Santana, aware that usually, Santana was never underneath her, not anymore, being careful not to press her bodyweight against her. She kissed up her body, starting at her stomach, at the waistband above her shorts, up over her bellybutton and between the valley of her breasts, up so she could peck her on the lips, her nose, each of her eyelids and her forehead. "Can I take your shorts off?" Brittany wondered, keeping her face close to Santana's, both of their chests still heaving.

Brittany was correct in her noticing of Santana; she was quickly getting stirred up, wanting to go faster, harder, more intense, and as enjoyable as that usually was, it often quickly led to her getting overwhelmed. She didn't want to stop, didn't want to calm down. She didn't want to have to remember that they had time. She wanted to just give in to the moment, to just enjoy being able to just want Brittany so much and without fear.

When Brittany pushed her back, reminding her to relax, Santana whined again, reaching up to lock her arms around Brittany's neck in an effort to drag her back down. She lifted her hands to make it easier for Brittany to remove her shorts, but she was still breathing heavily, still having to swallow hard every so often.

As Brittany settled over her, Santana blinked; this is the first time Brittany has tried since they understood the trigger of someone else being on top. She waited, half expecting to feel upset and anxious, but the feeling never comes. Instead as Brittany kisses her down her body, she swallowed again, her breathing staggered, but more even, though no less fraught with her arousal. She is already getting damp between her legs as Brittany asked about removing her clothes, and she nods quickly.

"Y-yes. Please. Please, Britt, please."

Brittany smiled when Santana locked her arms around her neck, her heart fluttering with love for her, knowing Santana wanted her as close as possible, especially now. She obeyed, continuing to pepper Santana's face with kisses, feeling how her chest was still heaving underneath her. She was careful, Santana usually wasn't the one with her back against the bed, although the reason Brittany had pushed her down was to force her to calm down a little, to slow down a little.

Laughing at Santana's stutter, she kissed the side of her face, her ear, murmuring, "Calm down, Babe," before she pressed a few kisses to her neck and the tops of her breasts, kissing her way back down. She was careful, delicate in undoing the button of Santana's jean shorts, gently sliding her hands between Santana's underwear and the material. There were times they were rough and times they were not, and mostly, Brittany wanted to make sure he movements always felt different from other things Santana had been forced to feel. She slid Santana's shorts down her legs once she'd had them free of her hips, dropping them on the floor before sitting back on her heels and looking at her, both of them now only in their underwear. Santana looked beautiful, and Brittany could feel her throat growing thick at how far they'd really come, how Santana had said yes, how this really was forever.

Humming in pleasure, Brittany slid up next to Santana, resting her weight partially against her, but not fully on top of her, Brittany straddling one of Santana's legs, one of Brittany's in between Santana's. She threaded her hand through Santana's hair again, pulling her head up to connect their lips again, at the same time she pushed her thigh against Santana's core gently, giving her something to rock up against. "Fuck," Brittany gasped as she ground her own hips against Santana's thigh, mumbling the word into Santana's mouth.

Their frenzied kissing shredded whatever calm had been left in the room, whatever calm or slowness Brittany had been trying to put in place. She slid her tongue against Santana's, her hand firmly threaded through the hair at the base of her skull. They kissed for a few minutes, wet and gasping, until Brittany pulled away, her eyes dark and hooded.

"Open your eyes," She commanded, waiting until Santana looked at her, holding her gaze. Santana's lips were even puffier than normal from all their kissing, and Brittany thought it was insanely hot. "I want to taste you," Brittany said bluntly, asking for permission. She'd come to learn that whenever she wanted to do something they hadn't done ever since, the best thing she could do was bluntly ask Santana, so she'd know exactly what she meant, and exactly what she was saying yes or no to. She always asked, because it forced Santana to actually think instead of just giving into her arousal and realizing they'd gone way too far too fast.

Calm down? That was near impossible, given that Brittany was now naked atop her, warm skin lightly against her own, lips trailing over the most sensitive areas of her body. Did Brittany not understand the extreme irony of her words?

As Brittany removed her shorts, Santana breathed shallowly, her eyes dark and dilated as she looked into Brittany's. She reached up for Brittany again, drinking her in, letting her hands stroke down over her face before cupping her cheeks, kissing her with frantic need. She let her legs part for Brittany to slide between, gasping against her mouth as Brittany pressed against her center. A moan escaping, she slid her arm around her back, pulling Brittany's weight more firmly over her, not frightened but instead turned on by its presence on her body. She kissed her until their teeth knock slightly and she can taste Brittany as though she is one with her, until she feels as though she is both herself and fully joined with Brittany at once.

When Brittany pulls back, telling her to open her eyes, Santana obeys, her chest heaving, sucking in an unsteady breath. Brittany looks flushed and her hair is wild, and she looks so incredibly sexy to her that Santana can hardly stay still. Her statement of her desire makes something in Santana flip low down within, charged, and she nods, taking Brittany's hand and putting it to the waist of her underwear, wordlessly asking her to remove it. She didn't need more than a few moments to think about it. She already knows that she wants this, she is more than okay with it- she needs it or she'll explode.

Brittany couldn't help but grin at how Santana was looking at her, her pupils blown, her entire body heaving as she sucked in breaths. Santana was so present in the room, Brittany could tell, and for once, they were in a situation where Brittany didn't need to say or do anything to keep Santana present and with her, Santana was there just as much as she was, completely and wholly enamored with what they were doing. She kept still as Santana's hands stroked her face, only moving to obey when Santana pulled her back down again to kiss her, smiling into Santana's mouth at how willingly she felt her legs part to let Brittany settle against her.

When Brittany commanded her to open her eyes, Santana did so quickly, almost instantly, setting Brittany's core on fire. She knew it made Santana equally as turned on- Brittany commanding her, telling her what to do. This time though, Brittany sole purpose of commanding her wasn't just to turn her on, she wanted to be able to look at her, to see her eyes when Brittany asked. And in them, she saw nothing but need, nothing but want. Her limbs loose, she let Santana guide her hands to the waistband of her underwear, holding her hands there while she leaned closer to Santana's face, holding her gaze, seeing, searching the depths of Santana's expression for a breadth of uncertainty, and finding none. She kept her face there, right over Santana's, both of them still for a few moments, the only sounds the sounds of their unsteady, ragged breathing.

Brittany felt like there were fireworks exploding everywhere in her body, elated that Santana was letting her do this, or, at least, letting her try. It was a big deal, Brittany knew that when she'd asked, and she knew it even more when Santana agreed. Huge. fucking. deal. She had to take a deep breath to steady herself before she gently tugged at the waistband of Santana's underwear, guiding them down Santana's legs and discarding them on the floor. Then, not wanting Santana to feel more-naked than she was, Brittany quickly took her own underwear off, leaving them both completely bare. She smiled, meeting Santana's eyes and holding them for a bit before she slid her hand under Santana's knee, bending one of her legs, planting her foot on the mattress. The tables had turned, Brittany realized, and now, instead of Santana guiding Brittany's body where she wanted, Brittany was doing it, arranging Santana how she wanted. Once she'd parted Santana's legs, she covered Santana's hand where it rested against the bedsheets, curling her hand so Santana's hand made a fist. She was giving her something to hold on to, to tether her. With her other hand, Brittany guided Santana's free hand up to Brittany's own shoulder, planting her hand there. It was so Santana could feel her, but also so that Brittany could feel Santana, could feel if her hand shook or if she got nervous or upset or wanted her to stop.

Then, gently, slowly, Brittany settled herself on her stomach between Santana's legs, her hand still on top of Santana's. She took a moment to just look, marveling in the beauty of her, feeling how turned on she was, how charged. Slowly, she leaned down, pressing a close-mouthed kiss directly to Santana's center before licking a long, slow line from bottom to top with the flat of her tongue.

As Brittany searched her eyes, Santana knew she was making sure that she was okay, that she was truly ready and feeling comfortable, that she still wanted every single thing that they did together. Santana tried with her eyes to convey back to her assurance that she was, that she was not only okay but eager. If Brittany tried to stop now, she was literally going to explode.

When Brittany undressed her, Santana's skin pricked with pleasure at even the light, fleeting touch brushing her legs and thighs. She looked on Brittany in appreciation as Brittany hurriedly finished undressed herself, reaching out a hand to trail down her sternum, lingering between her breasts. Brittany pulled Santana's legs into the position she wanted, and for just a moment a flicker of anxiety lit in Santana's belly. But then Brittany was taking her hands, curling one into a fist, taking the other to brace against her shoulder, and the reconnection to her helped ease the anxiety back down.

Brittany knew her so well, could help her before Santana herself even knew what she needed. It was just one of the things she loved so much about her, and now, it was fucking hot.

Santana curved her hand around Brittany's shoulder, squeezing, as the other woman held her fist. She wanted to writhe with impatience at the slow pace she was taking, but she also understood that it was needed, and probably making this better than it would be, building up the moment of release. When Brittany kissed her directly over her clit, Santana's eyes grew huge, and she sucked in a sharp breath, her entire body clinching with the intensity of the pleasure that hit. She squeezed her nails into her own palm, tightened her grasp of Brittany's shoulder, and when Brittany began to lick her slowly, her breathing began a panting lack of rhythm, her hips beginning to buck up with each slow lick.

"Fuckkkkkkkk!"

Brittany grinned when Santana visibly and audibly reacted to the kiss she pressed to her center, feeling Santana's hand grip her shoulder, hearing her gasp and feeling her entire body tighten up underneath her. Although Brittany had been having that affect on Santana for years, it never got old, and she never got tired of watching Santana come undone from her pleasure. Especially now, especially since Santana was letting her put her mouth on her, something they hadn't done in years, not since before.

Grinning, Brittany placed her free hand flat on Santana's stomach, stilling her bucking hips so Brittany could work, licking a few more stripes right up Santana's center, lingering on her clit before darting away from it. She knew Santana was close, Santana had been close, enamored and riled up by the events of their night, and while Brittany didn't want to tease her, she wanted to prolong her pleasure. Kissing back down her center, she pushed her tongue against Santana's opening, pushing it into her as far as she could. Pleasuring Santana this way, being so intimate with her was making Brittany equally as wound up, overcome with how much Santana trusted her, how far she'd let Brittany go.

Slowly, Brittany licked back up toward her clit, her hands still holding Santana's and resting on her stomach, focused on pleasuring Santana, but also focused on Santana herself, listening to her and making sure Santana liked what Brittany was doing. She could feel Santana writhing underneath her, bucking her hips into her mouth, and she didn't want to deny her what she wanted for too long. Instead, she wrapped her lips around the sensitive bud of Santana's clit, flicking her tongue a few times, giving Santana the release that she wanted, helping her reach the top and tipping her over the edge.

It hadn't escaped Santana how long it had been since they had done this together, since she was okay with them doing this together. How could she have let herself forget even a little bit how Brittany could make her feel, the complete loss of control that she could give her- and that it was powerful in its pleasure rather than pain?

Santana's stomach worked under Brittany's hand, twitching, and her ribs bowed in and out with her shallow breaths. Her hand opened, twining with Brittany's on the bed and squeezing until her knuckles popped as her other hand gripped Brittany's shoulder with equal strength. As Brittany continued to work her tongue through her center, expert in how and where to apply it, and exactly what pressure, Santana's breaths shortened into frantic exhalation, and she continued to squirm and tremble beneath Brittany. When Brittany lingered over just the right spot, she moaned, then went silent as her body finally built to a shuddering climax, the strength of it coursing through her so she continued to tremble even after she had reached and started to come down from its peak.

Panting, her skin still singing with the overwhelming stimulation of what had happened, of how very good and right this had felt, Santana went silent, her eyes filling with tears not of sadness or grief, but simply a need to release some of her strong emotions of response to this. She closed her eyes, not wanting Brittany to see and misunderstand, and reached for her to pull her closer over her body, burying her face in her shoulder as she continued to quiver with the aftershakes of her climax.

Brittany felt the fire grow in Santana's body as she continued flicking her tongue, feeling it rage and build inside of her until it exploded in a spasm of muscles and gasps, Santana's body taking over, succumbing to the pleasure of Brittany's tongue as she worked reverently between her legs. Brittany kept up her kissing and sucking for a few moments before gently moving her mouth away from Santana's most sensitive area as her body continued to shake through the ends of her orgasm. Gently, she pressed closed mouth kisses to the inside of Santana's thigh, not wanting to move to quickly and startle her, feeling the muscles in her legs quiver as Brittany pressed her lips to her skin.

When Santana's tremors lessened slightly, Brittany, slowly, snaked her way up Santana's body, watching the emotions play out over her face. Tears usually followed now, not bad tears, just Santana's need for release, a build up that was too big and expansive to keep in Santana's little body. She smiled when Santana reached for her, pulling her against her and burying her face as Brittany settled on top of her. She wasn't worried about Santana's nerves now, there was a difference between Brittany laying on her and laying on her when they were about to have sex. Now, she knew the solid, steady weight of her own body comforted Santana, the same way it did when Brittany was the one to lay on Santana on the couch, her head steady on her chest.

She slid one hand between Santana's body and the mattress, wanting to hold her just as close as she was holding Brittany, turning her head so she could kiss Santana's hair, feeling the after shocks tremor through Santana's small, shaky frame. "Shhhh, I know," Brittany hushed, rolling onto her side so she could draw Santana into her chest, curling against her body protectively. "I love you, I love you, I love you," She murmured, resting her cheek against the top of Santana's head, feeling her chest expand and collapse against Brittany's as she suck in steadying breathes.

As Santana's body continued to slowly calm down, its trembling lessening to occasional twitches, she felt Brittany kiss her thigh, then move up her body to look at her. Santana refused to move her face from Brittany's neck, not wanting her to see her tears, even as she knew that Brittany surely felt them dampening her skin and could hear her soft sniffs. When Brittany settled over her, the weight felt soothing and loving, a weight that eased her into calmer breaths. Her arms came around Brittany's back, embracing her, holding her closer against her own chest.

When Brittany eased Santana's body enough to turn them over, to more closely embrace her back, Santana let her roll her, keeping her arms locked around her. Brittany's lips were on her hair, and she was cradling her, whispering, understanding without Santana needing to explain the depth of emotion of this moment for her. Even with Santana's fear of her misunderstanding, Brittany never did. Santana's tears slowed as Brittany held her, whispering her love for her, and eventually her heartbeat calmed to a rhythm closer to Brittany's own. Still burrowed against her, she whispered back.

"I love you. So much." Taking a shaky breath, she let it out again, letting her face move just an inch or two from Brittany's neck. "That…that was…"

She couldn't find the words for it. Amazing, sexy, wonderful, surprising, it was all that and more. Instead she let out another breath, repeating her earlier words. "I love you."

Brittany knew Santana's body was still hyper-sensitive, moving slowly and handing her carefully, not wanting to jolt her as she gently curled her into her chest, letting her ride out her wave of emotion. Santana had always been emotional when it came to their love- before, whenever they had sex or talked about their relationship openly, Santana would probably cry, and now, it was almost a given. Brittany thought it was adorable in a sad way, how closely Santana held their love to her chest and how the enormity of it was almost too much to keep inside.

She held Santana's tight little frame close to her, feeling her tremors slowly subside as her body loosened in Brittany's arms, feeling her grow heavier and sink deeper into the mattress as she relaxed her muscles. For her part, Britany continued pressing kisses to her hair, whispering soft, loving declarations of love while Santana calmed. She never rushed her, laying there with her gently, patiently, keeping her tucked close to her body and her hands on her at all times, the ultimate safety, a quiet, warm, loving place for Santana to feel her emotions.

When she heard Santana whisper faintly, she smiled, humming into her hair to her let her know that Brittany heard her and understood. She didn't move when Santana pulled her face back a few inches, letting Santana decide how to move and holding still while she did it. She locked eyes with her, Santana's eyes round and brilliantly brown and wet, her lashes dark, long and teary. "I know," She cooed when Santana trailed off, not exactly having the words to describe what had just gone on between them. "Magic," She supplemented a word, knowing maybe even that wasn't a good enough description.

"I love you more," She insisted, tilting forward so their noses brushed, a quiet glow of a smile on her face. "That was big. I'm glad you let me do that," She confessed, basking in her own amazement of just how far Santana was willing to let her go.

Safe...that was exactly how Santana felt, even with her emotions at a high. Safe, loved, and accepted, always, while in Brittany's arms.

Blinking back the remains of tears, Santana smiled, tremulous but sincere. She nodded back at Brittany's word choice, agreeing, and repeated it softly

"Yeah. Magic. It was magic."

It truly was. To go from having difficulty even taking a shower last year to this...it did feel truly like magic.

She smiled a little more as Brittany gave her an Eskimo kiss, pressing her lips to hers chastely. "Not possible. I love you to the moon, back, and around the sun." Growing more serious, she nodded. "It feels big. It feels...I don't even have words."

Wordlessly she curled into her, relaxed, closing her eyes.