A/N: I'm not loving how this is turning out, but the writer's block isn't going away, so I'm just going to go ahead and post what I've got under the premise that anything is better than nothing.

Lisbon was still processing Jane's sudden reappearance in her life. She'd honestly never expected to see him again, let alone have him show up at work, smiling, tanned, and wearing a hideous floral shirt. It had been two years and he looked the same, but changed in unexpected ways. She was glad to see him, glad that he looked healthy and happy. She wondered if he'd finally found closure, or peace, or whatever he'd been searching for in the wake of his vengeance. She could feel the distance between them, and that made her a little wistful, but she knew it was for the best. Jane had never been the type to stick around, so it was for the best. She'd make sure they kept that distance. She'd gotten over him once, and she didn't want to do it again.

She had a good life right now. She enjoyed her job, she was working with friends, things were going well with Greg; she didn't want to risk any of that. She still cared about Jane. How could she not? But she'd learned, over and over and over again, that he could never be what she needed. He always left. He always kept secrets. She'd told him years ago that she didn't trust him, and then she'd gone against her better judgment and trusted him, only to be let down again and again. It would not just be stupid to trust him again, it would put everything she'd built at risk. And she wasn't willing to do that again.

She knew things with Greg weren't everything she'd ever dreamed of. Their relationship wasn't something out of a romance novel. But it was real and realistic. Fantasies were just that, and they never lasted in the real world. She'd be lying if she said she'd never daydreamed about a romantic relationship with Jane. But even when she used to, she'd always known it wouldn't work. He'd drive her crazy, and not in a good way. He wasn't the type to settle down, to have a normal life. He'd be restless and looking for something new, something more. Even when he'd had his dream life, his wife, his daughter, his career, he'd still never been satisfied. And while he might feel guilty about that now, that didn't mean he'd changed or that he'd be any different in a new relationship.

Lisbon rolled her eyes at herself. Leaving all of that aside, Jane would never let himself fall in love again. He loved to flirt, especially with manipulative and dangerous women, but he loved his guilt too much to love anyone the way he'd loved his wife. And she deserved more than that. She deserved a nice, steady man, who was there when she needed him and wasn't constantly lying to further some scheme. Greg might not be the most exciting man in the world, but he was something that Lisbon had come to treasure and crave: he was reliable.

And if a little voice in the back of her head said that reliability was great, but it still wasn't enough to build a life together, she ignored it.

"So, Greg, huh?" Jane leaned back in his chair, watching Lisbon's face and body language for clues.

"Don't start, Jane." Lisbon glared at him, immediately defensive.

Jane spread his hands wide. "I'm just saying, it's probably bad luck to date someone with the same name as an ex."

Lisbon relaxed a little and snorted, her lips twitching into a crooked smile. "True, but that was a long time ago. It's easy enough to get over the weirdness when it's a good thing."

"He seems nice," Jane observed. He really did. Bland, perhaps, like plain yogurt, but nice enough if you liked plain yogurt. He'd always thought that Lisbon hated yogurt. Especially plain yogurt.

Lisbon looked at Jane suspiciously. "He is. Very nice. So leave him alone, ok? I know you always like to stick your nose in things, but I'd appreciate it if you kept your opinions to yourself about my personal life."

"Really Lisbon, you can trust me. I only want you to be happy." Jane smiled at Lisbon winningly, trying to dazzle her with his sincerity and trustworthiness.

Lisbon's lips thinned a bit. "If you really want me to be happy, you'll leave me alone. And more importantly, leave Greg alone." With that, she turned and walked away.

Jane watched her go, his forehead creased into a frown. Well, that hadn't gone the way that he wanted it to. She'd relaxed for a moment, and then gotten defensive again. It had happened, he observed, right after his comment about trusting him and him wanting her to be happy. His mind replayed a conversation from years earlier, when she'd told him that she didn't trust him and he'd promised her that he'd always be there for her. His frown deepened. He thought they'd gotten past that. Sure, he'd lied to her about various things, but it had all been for the greater good. To catch Red John, to keep her safe. Surely she understood that. She hadn't seemed mad, per se. Just wary.

Jane drummed his fingers on the table and thought. He wasn't sure what the problem was. He'd left, yes, but that couldn't have been a surprise. After all, what were the chances of him getting acquitted for murder twice? And he'd written to her, not just once, but multiple times, even though each contact was a risk. She had to know that he cared about her. He certainly hadn't written to Cho. And why would she doubt that he wanted her to be happy? He'd always wanted her to be happy.

Jane resolved to talk to some of the other team members and find out more about what had been going on in Lisbon's life while he was away. As well as more details about Greg. He'd leave Greg alone, but that didn't mean he couldn't ask innocent questions about the man. As a friend, of course.

He ignored the thought that maybe he'd missed something. Ignored the thought that maybe Lisbon did have reason to mistrust him and his motivations. Ignored the thought that he had not actually been motivated by her happiness in the past, or even now. Before he'd been motivated by thoughts of vengeance towards Red John, and his main concern with Lisbon had been keeping her physically safe. Happiness seemed like a silly thing to worry about, since she couldn't feel anything if she was dead. And even now, when Lisbon seemed happy with the life she had created for herself, he couldn't allow himself to believe that she was truly happy. Because, even if he couldn't admit it to himself consciously, he couldn't be happy without Lisbon, so how could she possibly be truly happy without him? He told himself that she was settling, that she was lying to herself about what she wanted and how happy she was. He didn't even consider that he might be the one lying to himself.

All he needed to do was find out what was holding her back, and then he could tell her about the FBI deal and they could move forward with the next phase of their lives. Together.

Confident once again, Jane got up and sauntered over to Lisbon.

"If I promise to leave Greg alone, will you let me tell you why I'm here?"

Lisbon sighed. "I suppose it was too much to hope that it was just a nice friendly visit to catch up, huh?"

Jane laughed. "Well, that too, of course. But really, I wanted to offer you a job."

Lisbon stared at him. "You've got to be kidding me."

"No, it is a genuine offer. It's part of my deal with the FBI; I told them I'd come work with them, but I wanted some of my old team to work with me. Specifically you. Come on, Lisbon, think of all the fun we could have."

"Are you insane? You really thought you could just waltz back into my life and I'd dump everything to go run play cops with you?

"I've built a good life. Why on earth would I throw it away just because you got bored and decided to try finding something new?"

Jane started to protest, but Lisbon kept going. "Don't you dare. It's been two years, Jane. Two years. Everything I ever knew and planned on was uprooted and destroyed and I rebuilt. I've got a good life again, and I'm not risking it because you're bored. Go find someone else to play with."

With that, Lisbon stormed out, leaving Jane slightly stunned. How dare she accuse him of wanting to mess up her life? He was trying to help her! Sure, she had a nice little thing going, but it wasn't the FBI. It was mundane, not a real challenge. She needed more. And Greg–well, he seemed nice enough, but again, boring. He knew Lisbon. Knew her better than she knew herself. She wasn't really happy with this life. He just had to show her. She'd see, and then she'd realize his plan was better. He huffed a little, rocking back on his heels. Honestly, he was doing this for her. He had underestimated her stubbornness, though. He needed to come up with a new plan. And maybe some assistance.

He gazed around the room, dismissing Rigsby as willing but not that helpful and Grace as too nice. Good old Cho. He was probably bored here, too. Maybe he'd be on Jane's side with the right carrot dangled in front of him. Jane smiled and settled down to wait until Rigsby and Van Pelt headed out for lunch. Then he sauntered towards Cho's desk, humming to himself.

Sighing in dissatisfaction that there was no couch available to lounge on, Jane chose to perch on Cho's desk. Cho pressed his lips together. He did not like it when people invaded his space. And even though part of him was glad to see Jane again, part of him was still holding a grudge for how he'd hurt Lisbon. Especially since he'd apparently done so without any thought.

"Where'd you get that?" Jane asked Cho, pointing at a scar on his upper arm. He was only mildly curious, he just liked to harass Cho with questions.

"Knife," said Cho.

"From chopping vegetables? From a jealous girlfriend?" Jane teased idly. He stole a pack of brightly colored post-it notes from Grace's desk and started folding an origami frog.

"Member of the Blake Association."

"Wait, what?" Jane's fingers stilled and his gaze shot to Cho's face, trying to see if he was serious.

"The Blake Association didn't just disappear after you killed Red John. They were not happy."

Jane accidentally crumpled the frog. He hadn't thought about that at all. Which seemed like a pretty big oversight on his part, now. He'd just assumed that there weren't that many of them, and without their leader, they'd fall apart. Why hadn't he considered the possibility of them seeking revenge? He looked at the scar on Cho's arm more closely. To his relief, it seemed pretty minor. He relaxed slightly. He'd miscalculated, then, but only a little bit. "But you got them all?"

"Yeah, pretty sure. They came after us pretty hard, especially Lisbon."

Jane felt like he'd just missed a step walking down a flight of stairs. "What do you mean, exactly? How many members of the Blake Association were there?"

Cho looked at him with no expression. "Over 50 followers of Red John tried to kill us for about 6 months. Lisbon's got the most scars."

Jane struggled to keep his voice even and he tried every biofeedback trick he knew to slow his heart. Lisbon had scars? What kind of scars? Small ones like Cho's? He didn't remember seeing any new scars on her pale freckled skin, but then again, she kept most of her skin covered. 50 followers? How had he misjudged things by that much? "But, why did they go after Lisbon?" His brain was spinning, trying to put new pieces of information together. He'd made sure she wasn't there at the end. He'd made sure to keep her out of it as much as possible. Hadn't he?

Cho stared at him. "Who else were they going to target? You left. She was the lead on the case, so she was the next best thing."

Jane swallowed, dryly. "I…didn't consider that."

Cho's expression didn't change. "There's a lot you didn't consider."

Jane tried not to wince. "But she's ok?"

Cho shrugged. "Yeah, though there were a few close calls, especially that last one."

Jane could feel his breath getting shorter. His pulse was pounding in his ears and he couldn't do anything about it. He spoke again and he knew his voice was not as even or strong as it should be. "How close? What happened?"

Cho glanced at him. "She was in a coma. But she pulled through. The doctors were surprised."

"Why didn't you tell-"

"Tell you how, Jane? You left. You left and we were all targets, especially Lisbon. We didn't have a way to contact you. After Lisbon got shot for the 3rd time, and all we'd heard from you was some stupid postcards talking about learning to surf, we figured you were gone for good. Though I don't think Lisbon gave up until after she came out of the coma."

Jane didn't know what to say. He couldn't wrap his mind around the fact that Lisbon had been in so much danger. Not just once, but repeatedly. That she'd almost died. That she could have been dead this whole time, and he wouldn't have known. His heart skidded and stuttered. He could have come back to a grave. Another grave, another victim of his arrogance and short sightedness.

He'd been so wrapped up in his revenge, his quest for vengeance, his decision to flee the country and cut off all contact, that he'd never even thought about the team's safety. He'd been so focused on Red John as the big threat, he'd never considered his followers anything other than a nuisance, a way to shield Red John's identity. He'd certainly never considered that there were that many followers left, that they'd strive to carry on Red John's work, or that they'd target Lisbon. He felt like he'd taken a step, expecting his foot to hit the floor but now he was just falling, endlessly falling, waiting for the ground to hit him.

Cho just watched him, silently. Finally, he spoke and his voice was as precise as always. "We didn't blame you for leaving. But not bothering to say goodbye, not keeping in touch except for a bunch of pointless letters? That was a pretty shitty thing to do, especially to Lisbon."

Having said his piece, Cho stood up and left.

Jane just sat there, staring straight ahead, doing his best to not pass out. He couldn't stop his brain. He couldn't stop thinking about what a mess he'd made of things, how much he'd hurt the people he cared about with his single minded obsession.

It was like Charlotte and Angela all over again. He'd been so focused on conning people out of their money that he'd left his family open to an attack. He'd never even considered that his actions were putting them in danger. Not once. And now, all these years later, he'd done the same thing. He'd been so focused on getting his revenge, he hadn't thought that getting it would leave the person-the people-he cared about in danger. The only difference was that Angela and Charlotte had known that he cared. He hadn't abandoned them without a word. And Lisbon was still alive, though no thanks to him.

Jane felt wetness on his hands and realized he was crying. Why didn't Lisbon hate him? How could she even stand to look at him? He'd made a huge mess and left her to take care of it. Worse, he'd left her with a huge target on her back. He thought back to the letters he'd sent, especially the early ones where he made jokes about her getting a promotion, of living the good life now that she was in charge and didn't have to deal with his antics anymore. And that whole time, she'd been fighting off attacks, struggling to find a new job after being fired, she'd been in constant danger, and probably in constant fear for her life. How had he misjudged things so badly? Why hadn't he seen any of it coming?

Jane leaned forward and tried desperately to regulate his breathing. As he struggled to get himself under control, he clung to the one thing he could hold onto Lisbon was alive. She'd survived. She was out of danger. She was alive. He repeated that to himself, over and over, using the words to calm his heart and bring him back to functionality.

Still shaky, he went out and got in his car. He sat there for a long time, not trusting his ability to drive yet. Lisbon was alive. But she just as easily could have been dead. He could have lost her as permanently and completely as he'd lost Charlotte and Angela. And she would have died having nothing from him except lies, half truths, and betrayal.

He put his head down in his hands and wept.