Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?
Frank POV
Chapter 4
oOoOo
Sitting quietly in my armchair, finishing off that cryptic puzzle, with just four clues to solve, I heard movement upstairs. I looked at Edna with a raised eyebrow, as she grabbed the coffee pot to make a fresh one. We still had some cake. Action stations. We knew our quarry very well. Relentless and stubborn are her middle names. We have decided to up the ante for this round.
Edna had that sneaky expression as she reached for the Magic 8 Ball. I joined her at the table and waited, setting my crossword aside. Slowly and deliberately she turned it upside down, so the window was facing down, as is the proper manner, then asked the question we wondered about, "Do you think Helen has learnt her lesson?"
Edna slowly turned the ball so that the window was now facing up. Together we leaned forward watching as the die floated to the top, to reveal the message in white letters on the blue background. Of course, we knew it was silly, but we were already onto Round 4. We got lucky that Angie reamed her son a new one when he slammed the Cupcake rant on Helen at full pace. It was an unexpected bonus.
"Very doubtful."
Edna snorted. I gave a wry chuckle and rolled my eyes. We never doubted that. As we heard Helen moving to the bathroom, clearly opening the medicine cabinet for some pain relief, we were poised to ask another question as she came down the stairs.
"I might wash the car. Give me the Magic 8 Ball, Edna. Let's see. Hm. Will it rain this afternoon?" I asked the ball after tipping it upside down. Slowly I turned the Magic 8 Ball upright and read the answer.
"My sources say no." I winked at Edna.
"Good. I'm going to the carwash. I'll be back soon."
We deliberately ignored Helen, especially since she had that sanctimonious attitude about her. Edna rubbed her hands ready to take on the challenge. I escaped.
Edna POV
Helen was back to her usual holier than thou manner, as if nothing had happened this morning. It is so easy to read her attitude in her carriage, how she twists her mouth and that haughty posture. When did she become so arrogant and conceited?
The phone rang and I rushed to answer it.
"Oh hello, Millicent. How are you? You heard? Oh! It was so embarrassing. Tsk, tsk. I know. It didn't help that Helen's slow driving probably riled the young punk. She couldn't handle the pressure. I really thought she was made of tougher stuff."
I chuckled to myself, desperately trying to keep a straight face with Frank talking in his little-old-lady-high-falsetto-voice, mimicking Millicent.
Helen stopped with the coffee pot and nearly dropped her coffee cup. "Mother!" she implored in a hissing whisper.
Ignoring her, I made the appropriate 'aha', 'hm-mm' and 'oh yes' noises as 'Millicent' was talking. Despite Helen's objections, I went on regardless.
"You know what she did last night?" I paused for effect. "She invited Stephanie for dinner with her handsome boyfriend, now fiancé. So exciting. But, can you believe this?! She invited that Morelli sleaze. It was so embarrassing. Pot roast night it was supposed to be, but because the stronzo was here, she roasted two chickens instead. Friday night is pot roast night. Right? It always has been. We were so disappointed. That nice young man of Stephanie's, Carlos, brought some flowers for Helen, and also for me. That was so nice. He gave Frank a lovely bottle of red wine. A merlot, which would have been perfect with the pot roast. Honestly. Helen surprises me sometimes. I was so annoyed and disappointed in her. Especially in front of guests. Tsk"
I clicked my tongue, listening to Frank/Millicent egging me on, laughing while he sat in the car. He said he was parked at the carwash. I exaggerated my discontent and disappointment and he found it entertaining. Helen in the meantime was looking anguished listening to me gossip and criticise her. Ha! Take that. This is just the beginning of Phase four. I nodded my head and chuckled at something he said. Helen was despairing, practically tearing her hair out.
"Well, Millicent," I added with dramatic scorn, "after dinner things went from bad to worse. I was disgusted. The two of them were at it again, conspiring for a Morelli-Plum wedding. Pfft. Never gonna happen. I couldn't believe them. Joseph with his nauseatingly condescending manner implying he was Stephanie's last chance for a Burg marriage. He's a horse's patoot, a liar, a cheater and an abusive man. We saw him in full flight at the markets. It was appalling how he spoke to Helen, thinking she was Stephanie! Pfft. But, I digress. Anyway, he even had a ring box, which he placed on the table. Stupid idiot. But I hid it in my pocket when I dropped my serviette." I chuckled deviously. "Oh! I forgot to tell you. Helen had set the table with the best dinnerware including crystal glasses, as well as the best cutlery. I was shaking my head since I figured it out, their plans, you know. We both realised what she was up to, Frank and I. Stephanie already had a ring, a beautiful, stunning classy ring! Helen didn't even look at it. It wasn't part of their plan. I couldn't believe that she is still trying to interfere in Stephanie's life. She is so happy and Helen can't, or doesn't want to see that. Frank kicked Morelli out. I was so proud of him. We celebrated Stephanie and Carlos' engagement with champagne. Oh my God! Helen even had the ice bucket and champagne ready for after Joseph was to propose. Unbelievable! Her scheming is getting beyond a joke."
I paused while Frank/Millicent reminded me of another choice reminder to add to our conversation. Helen was aghast at the things I was telling my friend. Funny about that. She was always doing the same, constantly talking about Stephanie, criticising everything about her life and her job. Pfft. She's looking very uncomfortable now. I ignored her pleading looks. Again, I was nodding my head and making the appropriate listening actions and responses. I turned my body and whispered, quite audibly, the next offensive.
"You know, last time Helen was this bad, she had to go into rehab to dry out. But, she told everyone she was on vacation. Ha! A three month vacation? I don't think she fooled anyone. "Why me? What will the neighbours think?" I'm so sick of those stupid remarks. With this dinner, she was almost three sheets to the wind, with her iced tea. She even drank some of the wine, and the champagne. She had to sleep it off. Frank sent her to bed early, in the spare room."
Helen's angry hisses and shrieks of disbelief with my oversharing was great to hear. She was mortified. Good. Payback can be such a bitch! I listened to Frank/Millicent and then said goodbye, placing the phone in my pocket.
"Mother! How could you?! That was a horrible thing to do. All those things you said about me!"
"What? They were true. Anyway, you always do the same and far worse about your own daughter! Get over it, Helen! And, if you don't watch your step, another 'vacation' is already on a standby reservation. Shape up Helen. That man of yours is not going to put up with your nonsense forever, you know. How he hasn't left you surprises me. Think about it. I'm going upstairs to change."
I could see that Helen had lost that air of superiority by now as she sipped her coffee. She glanced around while I hid upstairs. I chuckled to myself, as she grabbed the Magic 8 Ball and turned it with the viewing window facing down.
"Will Frank leave me?"
She tilted the ball back to the top, poised anxiously for the answer.
"Concentrate and ask again."
I covered my mouth as she read it aloud. Not satisfied with that answer, she tipped the Magic 8 Ball upside down again and, after giving it some thought, asked another question.
"Will I have to go on vacation again?"
Carefully tilting the ball back to the revealing window, Helen held her breath waiting for the display to reveal its answer. She gasped, almost dropping the ball.
"Most likely." She read out loud in shock.
"Most likely?! Oh my God!" She crossed herself quickly. She couldn't resist one final question as she turned the Magic 8 Ball upside down. I had both my hands over my mouth by this time.
"Will I be sleeping in the spare room tonight?"
"Yes, definitely."
In a dither, she put the Magic 8 Ball away on the sideboard, and rushed into the kitchen with her now empty coffee cup. Meanwhile I had to rush into my room and smoosh my face into the pillows to hide the snort and my laughter. I couldn't have wished for better answers.
Frank said he was coming back to pick us up on the way to the garage. I changed ready to go in minutes. Looking in the mirror I touched up my face with a bit of blusher and lipstick before I called down the stairs.
"Helen! Frank is on his way back from the carwash. We need to collect your car from the garage before four o'clock. It's ready now after the service. Get a move on! He said that he'd be here in five minutes."
Sure enough, Frank must have just arrived since he honked the horn.
"Let's go, he's here already!"
"My goodness. Why me? What will the neighbours think? Can't he just come to the door without making all that racket?"
I rolled my eyes at her. "You're not even ready, Helen," I scolded her.
"I can't find my car keys!"
"Helen. For goodness sake. Stop with that whining. Silly girl. They are with your car, at the garage."
"Oh." She didn't realise it but she still had her apron on. No self-respecting Burg housewife would go out still wearing her apron. I said nothing.
We hustled quickly to Frank's cab after I locked the door. It was then that Helen gasped when she saw my outfit.
"Mother! What are you wearing?"
"What? I thought I'd dress up a bit because that cutie Bernardo Donatello might be there, at the garage. He often helps his son, Daniel with the books for the garage. He's good with numbers. He's my dance partner for tomorrow afternoon's dance party. I aim to make a good impression on him, you know, get him all excited for what's to come." I chuckled to myself at Helen's gobsmacked face. "Blue is his favourite colour." I didn't tell her that he also liked blue because he had those Viagra blue pills, for special occasions.
"Helen! Close your mouth, you'll catch flies! It's not ladylike to stand there gaping like that. Now get in the back. Shot gun! I have the front seat." I cackled ignoring her.
Frank's face was priceless after he uncovered his eyes. He knew my motives and the plan. Plotting with Frank has been a riot. We have been very secretive. Unseen by Helen, he put his palm down and I laid some skin on him before we knuckle-bumped each other.
Yes, okay, so I went a bit overboard, but I wanted to draw Bernardo's attention. I had strong competition from Lili and Bianka. He was a looker, a hottie for sure and he even had all his own hair. I had on my short white t-shirt and that pink mesh tank top tied at the front, with a sneaking peek of my midriff. But the blue mini skirt, matching my blue head scarf, would really catch his eye, especially with my blue denim jacket. On my wrists I wore blue, pink and purple bangles and beaded bracelets.
"Just to finish off my outfit I wore my black boots, the ones without the heel. He's the same height as I am, so I don't want him to feel overwhelmed by appearing shorter than me. Have to caress a man's ego at all times, you know."
Frank feigned a facepalm, but part of me thought it was for real. I deliberately used the double entendre, I think that's why he reacted. But Helen? It went over her head … initially, until five seconds later. Yep. She got it. A gasp confirmed it when I saw her face lose colour. I grinned.
Sure enough. Bernardo was at the garage and came out to greet me with a sexy grin. I flirted with him and was having a great time shooting the breeze. He offered to take me to the café next door for a coffee and I gladly accepted. Well, okay, to be honest, I suggested he take me to the café and made a show of it. Helen's reaction was exactly what I was aiming for, but treated her with the ignore she deserved.
In the meantime, while I was getting those scornful glares from Helen, I was going to enjoy myself regardless of what she thought. Pfft. She still had her apron on! Frank decided to leave his cab there since he didn't have any fares until tomorrow afternoon. He was going to drive Helen's car home. The plan was to berate her, in the car, where she had no choice but to listen and no escape. Bring it on. Phase 6.
Frank's POV
I paid the account for the car service and organised to pick up my cab tomorrow after they cleaned and detailed it. This was a regular arrangement we had, ensuring that my cab was in mint condition, clean and well-maintained inside and out.
Edna and I had decided that shock tactics were the go this time, since the impact was not long lasting enough. The message was not getting through, although Morelli ranting like he did assuming it was Stephanie who was driving Big Blue, that shocked her. We need something more like that. Maybe I need to rant. I have been quiet too long, enabling her by not intervening. In a way, I have allowed Helen to maintain her martyred performance with her criticism and that relentless gossiping. Like Morelli did, she is all about her image. Who gives a fuck what the neighbours think! Right.
Helen quickly scrambled to remove her apron. With the shock of Edna's colourful get up, she had completely forgotten to remove it when we left home. Now, here at the garage, she was frantically hiding behind one of the vehicles, while removing said apron, lest someone from the Burg spied her. Jeez! This is too much. I don't get it. This Burg power thing was beyond a joke.
Edna had really turned it on with her outfit and the natter. Helen was mortified especially with Edna's over sharing. However, I might need some bleach to cleanse my brain. At least there was more skin covered than usual. Last night's parachute silk tracksuit was one of the tamest ever. But that was my ammo for the home drive. Edna and I were tag-teaming to get through to Helen. This was a new strategy because one-on-one wasn't enough. She was relentless in her pursuit of Joseph as perfect for Stephanie. Talk about tunnel vision and weird bias.
Helen is just not seeing it, the constant verbal abuse from Morelli to Stephanie, let alone her own incessant gossiping and malicious rumour mongering about Stephanie and her job and those mishaps. Much of her intel is based on lies from Morelli or half-truths. Never is there any expression of concern for Stephanie's welfare when he does share some of her more dangerous or risky situations. Helen uncannily seems to encourage it that he reports Stephanie's alleged misdeeds to her on a regular basis. He is manipulating Helen to coerce her to side with him that he is the best candidate for Stephanie to marry. Not on my watch! And that's just it. We have had to watch her, even with the drinking.
Reluctantly, Helen sat in the front passenger seat, staring anxiously over her shoulder as Edna walked away arm in arm with Bernardo to the café.
"Seatbelt."
She nodded absent-mindedly, then removed the apron from her handbag and flattened it before folding it neatly.
"Why did you come out with your apron? You never do that," I pondered out loud as I drove, a bit of an edge to my voice.
"Oh. I was distracted. First not finding the keys and then seeing Mother," Helen replied shaking her head.
"You were supposed to be ready. You knew I was coming back shortly. Did you even do your hair?"
Her hands suddenly shot to her subtle curls, realising that she had not taken time to fix her hair. Lucky guess. One point to me. Two, if I count the apron. I drove along in silence, Helen fidgeting with the hem of that apron, until we came to the traffic lights. While waiting for the green light, I turned to her and said very pointedly, "Because I didn't get my pot roast last night, I expect it tomorrow night since you won't have time to cook it tonight. I was so disappointed that you cooked those two roast chickens, Helen. Why? Because that idiota Morelli was coming for dinner? I am shocked. I am the man of the house and he does not take priority over me. Understand?"
"Yes, Frank. But it was a special occasion because he –"
"No, Helen. It was a special occasion and certainly not because of that ass. Why the hell are you so convinced that he is the best option for Stephanie? After all that he did to her, I am appalled that you are encouraging him to pursue her. He doesn't love Stephanie. He sees her as a trophy. He's turning out to be just like his father. Do you really want her in a loveless marriage? Trapped? Like Angie Morelli? I just can't believe you'd do such a thing, Helen. Now our beautiful daughter is engaged to a wonderful, worthy man and it took you quite some time to snap out of your stupor to offer some form of delayed congratulations. You owe Stephanie and Carlos an explanation, an apology as well. I was most embarrassed."
The light changed to green and I progressed forward with the traffic flow making our way to Giovichinni's. Helen looked at me confused. Without a word, I stepped out of the car and waited for her in front of the Deli.
"Frank? Did you have something in mind? Did I forget something?"
Ah, there it is. Some self-doubt. Sadly, it seems to be the only way to get through to her. Manipulation. I forged on.
"Dinner, tonight. I feel like some Sausage Alfredo, one of Stephanie's favourite pasta dishes. We will need some of that nice spicy Italian sausage."
Helen went inside and made her selection. While I sat and had a coffee, she also went to the butcher to buy some meat for tomorrow's pot roast. I smiled to myself. While she was getting the vegetables, I ordered a coffee for her and another espresso for me. They had some tasty almond biscotti, perfect for dipping in my coffee. She joined me and was pleased with her purchases. Sipping her cappuccino, she sighed.
Phase 7 here we go.
Hitting her hard, metaphorically speaking, with another tongue lashing, by catching her unawares, was this afternoon's strategy. There had to be an audience, Edna and I concurred on that. Edna said she would find her own way home, implying that her new beau, Bernardo, would drop her off at home. She gave me the impression he was enjoying the subterfuge in playing his role. But his actions tell me that he was quite keen on Edna. I'll have to keep my eye on him. But, I digress.
Here is my cue for the next phase, as Bernardo parks his car a few bays further up and runs around the car to open the door for Edna. He makes a good show of gallantry and Edna loves it. Helen stops with her cup halfway to her mouth as Edna drops her blue bag. Holy shit! She bends over to pick it up, flashing all and sundry with a blue thong! Dio Madre! My poor eyes! My brain! There was a collective gasp from everyone around us here when they saw that. Then Bernardo and Edna bumped heads and she flashed everyone again! It was too much. I was shaking my head, then holding my head in my hands. They gathered themselves up and quickly rushed into the minimart.
"Helen! This has to stop." My hands were gesturing showing my despair and frustration. "Did you see that? Your mother! It's all your fault that she is so nutty. Crazy old bat that she is. You have failed to hold her to account. You have to set boundaries. Look at her, how she's dressed. She's an embarrassment. She is your mother. It's time you said something to her. You're a disappointment and I find it difficult to maintain my dignity when I have to see that happening. It's bad enough in our home, but out here as well? Does she have no decorum? She's not a teenager. I see other women her age dressed modestly, but Edna? Hell no!"
Helen practically dropped her cup staring after her mother with a horrified expression. Now she's staring at me in disbelief, casting furtive glances around at the passing shoppers, trying to hold her head down lest she be recognised by someone.
"He's right, you know, Helen," remarked Myrtle Glennis, "I'd be mortified if my mother went around dressed like that! Such a disgrace!"
Thank you, Myrtle, who was quickly joined by Alicia Swinsiski, their heads close together, looking back at Helen and then laughing. Helen was most uncomfortable in this public setting. She was embarrassed.
"Right. Let's get out of here before I have to endure another blue flash or worse. Get a move on, Helen."
The drive home was quiet but I could tell Helen was reflecting on the events we just witnessed. She was confused at my reactions. I could tell with her puzzled yet sad glances my way while I looked straight ahead watching the road and driving carefully. I pretended to be oblivious to her ponderings and bewilderment. It was the exact outcome I had hoped for. That Myrtle had added her penny's worth on cue was brilliant timing.
Once we arrived home, we unpacked the car and went inside. Helen proceeded straight to the kitchen. Her eyes lingered on her secret cupboard but when she saw the time she jumped and started to prepare dinner, grabbing that apron from earlier. I sat in my armchair quite pleased with myself. Lessons for Helen are going better than I anticipated. I glanced at my crossword and the four missing words suddenly came to mind. Done.
Edna had returned and came down the stairs, changed into normal, more sedate wear. She set the table and assisted Helen where needed. Helen was very quiet and pensive. As Edna sat down at the dinner table she winked at me and gave me a nod of approval.
Dinner went smoothly. Helen had made a tasty Sausage Alfredo with fettuccine and all was well in the Plum world.
Until tomorrow. We shall see.
oOoOo
TBC
Grounding – no phone for a week