Chapter 58 - Leaving
Author's Note: Enjoy the angst! :)
~ Amina Gila
It might be over now, but it still doesn't feel like it's over. Ahsoka admittedly expected that Anakin would agree to come back immediately. She supposes it would make sense he'd want some time to clear his head before worrying about duties again, though. To be fair, she's two seconds from storming out of the Order herself, anyway. But she won't because, for now, being a part of the Order gives her resources that she wouldn't have if she wasn't. It's not because she... can even say she believes in them anymore.
Because she doesn't. Hasn't in a long time. She finds herself actually questioning their way – not just the Council – more and more. It felt traitorous almost to think of that, at first, but she... can't deny that anymore.
When Anakin comes to find her again, he looks... strangely hesitant. "I need to talk to you."
For some reason, she doesn't have a good feeling about this. "What is it?" she queries.
"I – I'm not going to come back to the Order," Anakin replies, and Ahsoka just stills.
"What?" she blurts out finally, "How – you can't just leave, Anakin."
"I can't stay," he answers, quietly but with a certain firmness that means he's obviously made up his mind about this. Somehow. "There are other people who need our help, people the Jedi aren't helping. I can't ignore that. And the Order is going down a path that I can't follow. This isn't where I belong."
"You can't just walk away," she argues, "This is where you need to be if you want the resources to do anything. I am well aware of how badly the Jedi are failing. But how will you be able to accomplish anything if you leave?"
"I'll find a way," Anakin reiterates, "After this, I... I can't come back."
She could argue that. She wants to. Normally, she would – she'd lay out an exact, compiled explanation for why leaving is a stupid idea, because Ahsoka has been talking herself down from leaving every single morning since that mission back when she was still a padawan, starting with the reminder that she's not strong enough alone.
Not that the system has been doing much good to back her up either way.
But right now? She's in too much shock to even process what Anakin is saying. He's been nearby since the war started, even if he was off as Obi-Wan's padawan. She's always been able to rely on him, no matter what it's for, no matter how questionable her requests are. He's always just... been there to help her. Been beside her.
And now he's just... leaving. He'll be gone, and Ahsoka will have no idea what's happening to him, if he'll be alright or...
"What if we need your help again?" she manages to ask finally.
"I'll be there," he promises, "If you need me. I'm going to find where I belong, but I can't do that with the Order, not anymore. And I know there are other people out there who are trying to make a difference. All we need to do is find them."
"By building something from scratch?" Ahsoka objects, "That will take years, Anakin. You may not even live to see it through."
"If that's what I have to do, then..." He trails off, sighing. "I don't want to do this, Ahsoka," Anakin assures. "I don't want to leave the clones and the war, but after seeing what the Jedi are becoming, I – I don't know if I can keep doing it. What if we're wrong? What if we don't even know what we're fighting for anymore?"
Ahsoka can't understand how he could question that part. She certainly never has – she doesn't believe in the Republic, but it's a system, the one they have, and they have to make it work. "If you want to leave, I can't stop you," she admits finally, even if she hates to say it, because it's the truth. Still, though, the thought of going back to the 501st and telling them what happened, that Anakin is gone is – it's hard. "But I don't think it's the right choice."
"I know," Anakin replies, regret and sorrow lingering heavily in his eyes, "But sometimes – sometimes, there's more a question of whether we're choosing to be good soldiers, or good people, and I want to make this choice for myself."
Who taught you that, Ahsoka wants to ask, because it wasn't her, and it certainly wasn't Obi-Wan, who never seemed to care a whole lot about Anakin's wellbeing, period. "Where will you go?" Ahsoka asks, finally. This isn't something she'll be able to talk him out of. She can see that much already.
"Naboo, first. I'll... find a way to help," Anakin promises, "And we can... still talk. You can call me to come back if you need... help with something."
When they would find the time is a different story. And it wouldn't change that they're going to be apart for... forever? A sense of numbness is settling over her now, in addition to the sheer coldness she's been feeling ever since the Council first threw Anakin out. She didn't expect that would mean they'd be separated for... possibly forever, but maybe she should have. Anakin was the one thing left in the Order that she actually had, and now, she's going to lose him, because of the Council. She lost faith in them long ago, but something about this step is entirely irreparable.
"I will," she answers, finally, "When are you leaving?"
He hesitates again, gaze lingering on her. "Now. I – I'm sorry, Ahsoka."
There's so much she could say to him, but she's suddenly at a loss for words. It reminds her of all those years ago, when she had to walk away from her own mother, but she's in her mother's role now. Even if she can't say she agrees with Anakin's choices here. "Be careful," she says instead of the million things she could try saying, because he's already made it clear he won't change his mind. And really, Ahsoka can't make this choice for him. Padawan or no, it's Anakin's decision.
"You too," he requests.
She doesn't move to leave, just hovering awkwardly, feeling like there's still something else to say or do or something.
Anakin is the first to break the moment, moving forwards to hug her. It's sudden and unexpected, and it isn't as though Ahsoka hasn't hugged him before, but it's been a long, long time.
Everything in her life, whatever it is, always seems to disappear. She doesn't understand why it keeps happening, but it's just... it's a fact. That she'll keep forever fighting, the only person in a battle far bigger than her, and she'll be left standing alone.
It fills her with a sense of bitterness, even if it's not Anakin she's upset at, exactly.
He's – he'll be gone, and she'll be here alone. He'll be alone, too, though.
Idly, she can't help thinking that it feels like it's been a while since she's been worried about someone else, not that it really matters.
"You can call me, too, if you... need something," she says, finally, "Do you need help packing?" Though, she doesn't think she could handle helping him with that, not when it means he's one step closer to being gone.
"It's alright," he replies, as he pulls back, "I... should get to that."
She nods, watching him disappear from the room. This... is going to be some of their last moments together.
**w**
When Anakin enters the Council chambers late the next afternoon, Obi-Wan has an inexplicably bad feeling about it. He didn't know what to think when Anakin had wanted time before rejoining. He... hadn't expected that, even if he knows this would have been hard for him.
"A decision, you have reached?" Yoda asks.
"Yes, Master," Anakin replies. He looks almost uncomfortable and pauses a moment before continuing. "I have. I'm not coming back."
For a heartbeat, everyone stills. That – what – How could Anakin be planning to leave?!
"Anakin," Obi-Wan starts. He can't believe he's really about to do this. How could he leave? Yes, the Council made a mistake, but that's no reason to walk out on them. They need him.
"I can't stay, Master," he interjects.
"You have thought this through?" Plo speaks up. He's obviously unhappy, too. He's the one who brought Anakin to the Temple, after all.
"I have."
"Your choice, this is," Yoda speaks up, "If ever desire to return you do, always welcome you will be in the Order."
"Thank you, Master," Anakin replies quietly, gaze lingering on Obi-Wan for a long moment before he heads for the door.
Obi-Wan follows before the doors even close. He doesn't understand how this could have happened, could be happening. Anakin may not have been his padawan for a while, but he still was, and Obi-Wan can't imagine him being gone.
His former padawan pauses in the hallway when he hears him approaching, though he doesn't speak.
"Why are you doing this?" Obi-Wan demands, "How could you leave?"
"I know you won't agree with me, Master," Anakin blurts, in a rush, "But the Order is not... what it used to be anymore. We're falling. It's falling, and I don't want to go down with it. I need to help people. That's what I was trained to do, but after the war broke out, everything changed."
It reminds him too much of what Ferus was saying.
"The Council may not always be right, Anakin, but that doesn't mean we're failing," Obi-Wan argues firmly.
"I'm going to where I'm needed to be," Anakin insists, "The Order doesn't – can't – help everyone. I understand that now."
He means best, Obi-Wan realizes numbly, frustratedly, but in the end, he's still young. He's reckless. "There is always more you can do when you aren't trying to help alone," Obi-Wan reminds.
"Ahsoka told me that, too," he replies, "But... that isn't what we're doing anymore. We're fighting a war instead, that I... don't know how it's ever going to end."
"We're doing everything we can, Anakin," he defends, "Leaving is not the answer."
"I have to figure this out on my own," Anakin answers. "Without the Council. Without the Order."
He won't change his mind. Obi-Wan can tell as much. He's... admittedly angry and hurt at once, not entirely at Anakin. Only months ago, everything had been fine between them – except that they were far closer than they ought to have been – and now, it feels like it's gone entirely. He doesn't know when or if he'll see him again. "This isn't a decision to make lightly," he says, finally. Doesn't know what else to say, that might change Anakin's mind.
"I'm not, Master. I have... been considering it for a long time."
Somehow, that only serves to make it worse. "Where will you go?" he asks him, finally.
"To Naboo for now. I don't know where I'll start, but the Force will guide me."
There's so much he wants to say, especially if this is going to be the last time that he sees Anakin for the indefinite future. But none of the things that come to mind are really things Obi-Wan could say. Both because of how much it violates the Code, and because he... wouldn't be comfortable with it. "May the Force be with you," he settles for finally, even if that's hardly an appropriate goodbye when Anakin's no longer a Jedi.
"Thank you," Anakin offers, hesitantly, "For everything. For taking care of me."
Obi-Wan just nods to him because he has no idea what else to say.
"May the Force be with you, too, Master," his former padawan adds, before turning away.
He feels numb as he watches Anakin walk away, leaving. Obi-Wan has no idea if they'll see each other again. He wants nothing more than to have Anakin here, with him, beside him, than for things to be how they were before the Festival of Light and everything fell apart, but everything changes with time, and there's no going back.
As Anakin disappears down the Temple steps into the light of the setting sun, he can't help feeling like something is changing, something dark is coming, and that this is really what marks the end of the greatest light in the galaxy, of their last hope.
**w**
Rex heard about what happened to the Commander. He – he knew about it, and he'd heard the report that Anakin was leaving. Just... going, and Rex understands that, considering what happened – it may be better for him to be away, or at least he can't help thinking that.
That doesn't make it easier. Rex hasn't known Anakin that long, and he's used to his brothers leaving or dying, but it's different with their Commander. It's different, with the one person Rex thought he would never lose. They managed fine before Anakin came, and they'll do it after, but it still... isn't something he wants to imagine.
No doubt, they'll see Anakin again anyway – knowing him, he won't be staying out of the fight for long.
Rex can't help thinking of Cut, remembering how the clone deserted for a family of his own, and somehow, he almost wishes they were allowed to leave. Not as though he could ever imagine it, but still.
"Hey," Anakin's voice says, and he slides onto the bench next to Rex.
They're in the bar the clones usually go to when they're on Coruscant, and while Anakin has rarely been here, Rex isn't surprised he showed up.
"Commander," he greets instinctively, straightening.
"I'm sorry, Rex," Anakin replies, "But I – I'm not really your Commander anymore. I came here to talk to you all again. To say goodbye." There's a lingering pain in his eyes, and it hurts to see. Anakin has always been so cheerful.
Instincts kick in immediately, demanding that he try finding a way to comfort him, to help, to make this better. "It's fine," Rex assures, "We understand. After what happened, it might be best for you outside, anyway."
"Still," he says quietly, leaning on the counter, "You're my friends. And I have a duty here, even if... I don't think I belong with the Order anymore."
It hurts to see him so shaken up. It's... harder than Rex thought it would be, to see Anakin again, and now, this is the last time. "They expelled you," Rex replies, and he has to admit being slightly bitter about that. He won't judge the Council for their actions, because that isn't his place, and why would he? It wouldn't change anything. That doesn't mean he's happy about it, though.
Anakin nods. "But it's not only that. I've been questioning the... Order for a long time. Right now, I think my place is elsewhere."
"If that's where you feel your place is, Commander," Rex replies, finally. He doesn't doubt that Anakin will find his own way to keep doing what they always have.
"I'll miss you," he blurts, "And I – we'll see each other again. Eventually."
Either he already knows he's coming back, or it's some Force thing. "I know," Rex replies, because somehow, he... does. Though he thinks when Anakin does return, it's going to be to something entirely different. He can't really say how he knows that or what that could even mean.
**w**
This was not how Sidious intended Anakin's framing to go. He ordered the evidence planted in the warehouse himself – the DNA he got from Anakin has proved useful on so many levels, even beyond this – to make it more likely that the boy would be convicted, only for Sidious to find a way to destroy the case himself.
Anakin would have been grateful, of course, and that would've pushed him to start talking to him again – something he's been rather pointedly avoiding since Zygerria. Except, he never expected that Anakin would leave the Order. And now, the boy is out of reach entirely.
All isn't lost, though. He'll find a way when the time comes to contact him again, or the boy will come back to him on his own, but if he doesn't, Sidious has... many contingency plans, both as his replacements and how to deal with him if he becomes a threat.
He's unsurprised when a very angry Ahsoka shows up, but something about her feels cold. She's... she's Fallen, or at least very nearly, and Sidious doesn't think she even realizes it.
"I heard your padawan left," Sidious says, forcing a feigned note of sympathy into his tone. If he's being honest, feigning kindness and sympathy to Ahsoka are growing increasingly difficult as of late.
"They just threw him out," Ahsoka states furiously. "I can't – I don't know how they could have done that when they knew it was wrong!" She takes a deep breath, anger and hurt pouring into the Force in crashing waves. "I know I can't make decisions for him, but I can't understand how he could have just left. We need him here."
"The Council is... losing their way," he replies, and once, he wouldn't have been so blunt about it, but she's already accepted that herself. Speaking more directly against the Council isn't a risk. "Sometimes, I fear for how far that could go."
"Me, too," she agrees dejectedly. "I don't know what will happen if they go too far. It's – they're willing to make sacrifices, but not the ones they need to be making."
When the time comes to reveal himself, he has no doubt that she'll easily be swayed to becoming a Sith. But now isn't the time, and he still questions how useful she'll be once he has his Empire, but he'll concern himself with that when it becomes a problem. "So I have seen. It's a possibility we may need to be prepared for one day," he says.
"I know," Ahsoka replies, an obvious edge to her voice. She's not even uncomfortable by the insinuation anymore, not really, and that's a good sign.
"You have always wanted a life more significant than what the Jedi have given you. You were always meant for more than that," he tells her, "I imagine, in time, your padawan will see the mistake he made and return, even if not as a part of the Order."
Ahsoka deflates a little, glaring out the window beyond them. "I hope he does, but I can see why he wouldn't want anything more to do with the Jedi."
But for now, Sidious will have to wait until it's time, and hope that Anakin will come back since he has no way to control him right now. And the war is already rapidly drawing to a close.
**w**
She feels empty. Maybe she always has and has just been lying to herself about it all this time, Ahsoka doesn't really know anymore. She can never remember a time where she felt whole, happy, aside from that time she and Anakin were off the fronts for a brief time.
That doesn't matter anymore, anyway, though. He's gone. He's just... gone, and suddenly, she can't help wishing she'd taken him back when she was first asked to, because she would do anything to have him back.
It feels like she failed him in some inconceivable way, and it's not until now that Ahsoka thinks she truly understood the importance of having a padawan, and what it means to be a master. She never really understood that Anakin's life was hers to protect, and... she failed.
Ahsoka failed, and that's the one thing she's always fought her hardest against.
She cannot fail, because failing means... defect. She should've been better than that, should've figured something out faster. All her power and skill and knowledge mean nothing if she couldn't protect the one person she should have.
Kitster pulls her into a hug the moment she shows up at Padme's apartment – it's the first time she's gone there since what happened. "Are you alright?" he asks.
Ahsoka shakes her head mutely, because that's the truth, and she can be honest with Kit. He just holds her for a few minutes before she finally finds her voice again. "Anakin's gone," she blurts out. "He didn't want to come back."
"He left?" Padme asks, almost incredulously.
She nods.
"I'm sorry," Kitster tells her softly, as if there's anything he could have done about it.
"I understand why he'd be angry at the Order after how they just threw him out, but there are other things just as important," she says, miserably, "And it's our duty to help people, even if it means doing things that are uncomfortable for us. I've never had a problem with that. I just thought he'd be the same way."
"He's young," Padme points out, approaching, "He's not as likely to think ahead the way you are. When he's more mature, I imagine he'll see things differently."
"I hope there won't be a war for him to come back to by then," Ahsoka replies, bluntly. And even if he did, he probably wouldn't be her padawan anymore. He could be all grown up by the time she sees him again.
"For his sake, it's probably better than he's gone," Kitster says, squeezing her hand, "Not that that makes it any easier, I know. It was... hard for me, too, after you first left Tatooine."
"I miss him," she admits, "I... don't know when I'll ever see him again." It's a constant, aching emptiness inside of her, that she can never quite stop feeling. Everything's just felt cold and icy since then. She hasn't been able to find any true calm, and frankly doesn't much care to try.
"Knowing him, I can't imagine he wouldn't come back," he tries to reassure.
That's the exact reason she never imagined he'd leave in the first place, but he did. "I know, but when?" He said he would still try to help, but she doesn't really know what that means. This is Anakin – it could be anything.
Not that it's a question anybody can answer.
**w**
Obi-Wan's long grown used to not having Anakin constantly at his side, no matter how much he constantly misses him. But somehow, it seems far more apparent now.
Before, sometimes he'd see him next to Ahsoka in a Council meeting. Or just... on occasion. But now, everywhere he looks, it's a sharp reminder that Anakin is gone, forever. Ahsoka is even more bitter and snappy with the Council, and Obi-Wan is... almost shocked to admit that he can't fully blame her for that, even if he'd never go that far for how disrespectful it is.
That doesn't mean he can entirely ignore the tiny voice in his mind that keeps insisting what happened is their fault. Even if he knows sacrifices have to be made for the greater good. He just doesn't see why it... had to happen twice in a row, and entirely tear apart his relationship with Anakin. He feared losing him once, when he'd lost Ahsoka after her Knighting, and now it... happened.
And he can't deny he's upset at Anakin for leaving just like that, too, because it was his choice to walk away from everything, but... still.
Obi-Wan goes about his duties as a Jedi the same way he always did, but that Anakin is gone still occupies his mind ceaselessly. Doing what he's supposed to do as a Jedi is all that should matter, but it's undoubtedly not.
He could never say that sometimes everything feels so pointless sometimes, but it does.
He's entirely capable of functioning on his own, but that doesn't stop him from wishing. He should've let his former padawans – both of them – go by now, but... Anakin is one thing he can't just forget.
The weeks seem to pass in a blur now, moving from one mission to the next. (Is this what being a Jedi is supposed to be like? Ever since he started going on missions so many years ago, he's nearly always had... partner, whether master or apprentice, until after the Festival of Light. Generally, he doesn't have much time to think about it, with the war and ceaseless Council work so he hardly even has time to sleep, but then there's sometimes... that he can't stop remembering when Anakin would curl up next to him at night, on the battlefield.)
He runs into Komari again once on Oba Diah. Apparently, there's... something more going on behind the clones' production than the Council first knew, because the Separatists are trying very hard to cover up trails about it.
Whatever the 'it' is because they don't even know how far this goes or how much they've been involved in.
There are constant matters like this that require his full attention, so he can see why attachments are considered so distracting, but he... still can't stop remembering.
Sometimes, he can't help wondering if it would be easier, be different, if Anakin was still here. The fight with Komari drags on a bit, but in the end, she escapes. If he wasn't here alone, they could've gotten her, could have ended this.
But Anakin isn't here.
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