Blood Feud Mr Burns desperately needs a blood transfusion. Will someone donate?
PlotOne day at the Power Plant Mayor Quimby and Smithers were announcing a new nuclear warning system.
"Chief Wiggum, Archbishop McGee..." Quimby addressed important guests on stage. There was a random Archbishop who doesn't return ever again in canon. But in fanon though...
"Crush them! In the name ah Jebus!" said Archbishop McGee.
Oscar smirked.
Marge sighed wondering why there was an Archbishop in town.
"Good citizens of Springfield." said Quimby. "In the off chance of impending nuclear disaster. This sign will light up to tell you all what to do and where to go." The sign lit up as part of a test to show what it would look like lit up. Ominously it just read "We're doomed!"
Everyone clapped half heartedly.
"Ha! Jokes on them!" said Homer. "If the core explodes, there won't be any electricity to power that sign!" Homer chuckled.
"I welcome our benevolent overlord, C Montgomery Burns!" said Quimby. Burns didn't arrive when his name was announced.
The crowd coughed awkwardly.
"That's odd. Mr Burns is never late!" said Smithers. "Something has happened to him at home!"
"Oh goody!" said Oscar pleased.
"Oscar! There is such thing as Schadenfreude..." said Marge.
"Yes I know! Shameful joy..." Oscar sighed.
"Nobody leaves Diamond Joe Quimby holding the bag!" Mayor Quimby said angrily as Smithers went to check on Mr Burns.
"Oh! Then can I have that sack of money then?" Oscar asked.
"Um... no." said Quimby.
...
At his mansion, Mr Burns had fainted and is found seriously ill by Mr Smithers.
"Oh my goodness!" Smithers gasped finding Mr a Burns lying on the floor in his night gown.
"Must... turn over! Must... (grunts) greet dignitaries!" Mr Burns tried to move but was too weak and sick.
"Oh no! We must call for a doctor!" said Smithers.
"Absolutely not! No Quack with a bone saw is going to put leeches on me! As long as I have an ounce of strength left in me..." said Mr Burns being stubborn.
He is taken to hospital but warned he needs a blood transfusion or he will die.
"This man has hypohermia, a lack of blood." said Dr Hibbert.
"Damn it! I know what that is! What can we do about it?!" Mr Burns snapped.
"Even I could tell you that." said Ace the vampire kid. "Hypohermia or blood starvation is the second most common cause of death in vampires apart from getting staked in the heart or incinerated by sunlight."
"I'm no buck toothed blood sucking ghoul!" Mr Burns yelled. "Get this filthy little urchin out of my ward!"
"Mr Burns will need a blood transfusion immediately. Or he will die." said Dr Hibbert.
"How long does it take to sterilise a needle?" Smithers asked.
"Seconds." said Dr Hibbert.
"Skip it. Just leave me with enough to get home!" said Smithers tearing open his shirt dramatically.
A gay nurse screamed and fainted because he was aroused by Smithers's bare chest.
"If I wasn't married to Bernice or straight, I'd be so aroused right now," said Dr Hibbert.
"Stupid sexy Smithers..." said Homer.
"Unfortunately it's not that simple Mr Smithers." said Dr Hibbert. "You see, a blood transfusion needs compatible blood. Mr Burns has an extremely rare double O negative type." Should be double o seven... mmmmmm Bond blood...
"I'm B positive. Damn this gutter blood!" said Smithers.
"Don't feel bad, my dear Smithers. That kidney you donated to me, really hit the spot..." said Mr Burns taking Smithers by the hand softly.
"Um Mr Burns... compatibles blood types is also mandatory for organ transplants..." said Dr Hibbert. "I have no idea what quack put you through that procedure but..."
Mr Burns gasped in extreme pain as a kidney with little arms and legs tore its way out of his abdomen.
"You're the wrong blood type, buster!" said the anthropomorphic kidney in a high pitched voice as it ran off somewhere.
"Um okay..." said Mr Burns.
...
At the plant on a work day, Smithers is in charge while Mr Burns is very sick. He calls pathetically over the tannoy to the employees for them to give blood.
"Attention employees. Our boss and inspiration, Mr C Montgomery Burns. Is at deaths door." He sobs pathetically. "If any of you have double o negative blood. Please report to the bloodmobile outside in the parking lot. That is all..."
Everyone laughs raucously.
"Hey I'm double o negative! I could donate!" said Lenny. "But guess what? I don't wanna!"
Everyone laughs and pats Lenny on the back.
"Gahahahaha! You tell him Lenny!" Homer laughed.
They all laughed except one man.
"I can't believe you guys! How could... Oh wait, Mr Burns is a horrible evil monster! Never mind. Death to Burns!" Carl cheered.
Everyone cheers.
"Hey you guys suck! Especially you Lenny! You should help Mr Burns!" said some guy who sucks up to Mr Burns.
"I happen to be your supervisor Clyde..." said Lenny.
"Sorry sir..." said Clyde.
Homer is laughing at the thought Mr Burns was dying.
"Hey Dumb Dumb. There's a wealthy human being who needs our help. You don't wanna cash in?" The Ozmodiar asked Homer.
"Oh! I haven't thought of that... mmmm Nah... he wouldn't keep his promise and I'm better off letting him die..." said Homer.
Clyde seethed.
At the work blood drive no one came.
Smithers sobbed. "How can everyone be so cruel?!"
...
At Home Lisa doing what she will be doing for most of this episode is reading Maggie some cards with words on them and pictures. Right now she's teaching her about obscure creatures.
"Lemur... Lemur..." said Lisa pointing with a baton to a card with a picture of a lemur on it.
"Zebu... zebu..."
Maggie sits there sucking her pacifier.
"Lisa sweetie. What are you doing?" Marge asked with interest.
"Teaching Maggie about nature. I want to give her the best start in life that I didn't have." said Lisa. "Zebu... zebu..."
"Lisa we tried our best." Marge said annoyed. "By the way, what's a zebu?"
"A type of ox with a hump and dewlap." Lisa explained. "Hump and Dewlap..."
Homer came in. "Well Mr Burns is gonna die. Unless someone gives him blood."
Marge is in her do good to others even evil people to show your better than them, phase. "Oh no! We must help that... rather horrible man! To... well show what good Christians we all are by being the better man/woman..."
"Thanks Marge for your pearls of wisdom but the world doesn't act like that. People are allowed to be bitter and angry to nasty people who have wronged them..." said Homer.
Marge grumbled.
"Anyway out of curiosity. What blood type am I?" said Homer.
"A positive. Although I think you're A negative sometimes." Marge snapped.
"Oh well. I can't help him even if I wanted to..." said Homer.
"Plus your blood is full of cholesterol so you'd give him diabetes Dad." said Bart.
Homer throttled Bart for being a smart aleck.
"You know Dad's blood type? How romantic..." said Lisa.
"A mother knows all..." said Marge cheering up because she wanted to answer her daughter's curiosity.
"My shoe size." Lisa asked.
"4B." said Marge.
"That's not a shoe size, that's a type of soft pencil..." Oscar argued.
"How many teeth do I have?" Lisa asked.
"Sixteen." said Marge noting that for the sake of this logic to work Lisa is at that point were she has lots of cute gaps in her teeth. That's bad for perfect school photos but Marge didn't mind as the gaps in teeth look from milk teeth falling out was adorable to her.
Lisa had gaps in her teeth where adult ones were erupting.
"Ring?" Lisa asked.
"I don't wear them but three." said Marge.
"Maaaaaarge...!" Homer whined.
"I want to know!" said Bart. Um... my allergies!"
"Shrimp." said Marge.
"And..." said Bart.
"Butterscotch and imitation butterscotch." said Marge.
"And..." said Bart.
"Glow in the dark monster face paint." said Marge.
"Woooooooow!" said the kids.
"How many hairs on my head?" Homer asked.
"Oh you have lots of hair dear..." Marge lies to avoid embarrassing him.
"Three on top in a comb over and one each on your ears as M's." said Oscar.
"She was sparing my feelings! Little!" Homer throttled Oscar.
"Anyway. We must help Mr Burns regardless of what he has done to us all! Pay good until evil as the bible says." said Marge.
"Yeah but Mr Burns is double O negative. None of us have that blood type." said Homer.
However it soon is realised that the only matching donor is Bart.
"Bart's double O negative!" said Marge.
"He is?!" Homer asked thinking not about being a kind person but out of greed for a reward that maybe he should help Burns.
"Yes dear." said Marge.
"Yeah but so is the attic monster." said Oscar.
"Why you little!" Homer strangled Oscar. "We do not speak of that!"
"I have rights man! I do not have to give blood!" said Bart.
"Yeah, the right to remain silent!" Homer snapped.
"No way! He ran me over!" Bart recalls an incident where Mr Burns ran him over. Homer tries to make him because he wants a reward, but Marge scolds Homer. She then has a gentle talk with Bart and coaxes him to do the right thing and give blood.
But Homer gives him a bad lesson about only helping people for a material award. Ie money.
"As if I'd make you give blood for free boy..." said Homer.
"What are you getting at Homeboy?" Bart asked.
"There was once a a fierce lion and Hercules..." said Homer.
"Is this another bible story..." Bart yawned with boredom.
"Probably. So shut up and listen." Homer snapped. "This lion was big and scary and bad tempered. He was bad tempered because he had a thorn in his paw." Homer continued. "But everyone was too scared to go near him. However Hercules was brave and very strong and he pulled the thorn out of the lion's paw!"
"That's Androcles you moron!" Oscar yelled rudely. "Hercules killed the Nemean lion."
"Shut up you little!" Homer strangled Oscar. "Anyway the lion was grateful he gave Hercules all his riches!"
"How did a lion have treasure...?" Bart didn't believe the story.
"It was the olden times!" Homer replied.
However Bart is unable to because he once gave too much on Bart vs Thanksgiving and caused himself to faint. So his nullified for health reasons.
However the attic monster, aka Hugo was a match.
Marge went up to the attic.
Hugo hissed and growled like a beast. The feral boy hid behind boxes of junk Homer cluttered the attic with.
he even less willing to help Mr Burns but a little talk with him, mom convinces him to be the better person and help out in return for being allowed out the attic for a week.
Plot 2The next day Mr Burn's condition is deteriorating. Meanwhile Hugo gives blood. However he's shocked about who's taking it. "Otto?!" The bus driver he heard about from the air vents when he hid in them to spy on his family.
"Yeah, this is how I'm getting my medical exam." said Otto. "And some extra bucks."
However Hugo did not like being injected and tried to bite Otto when he jabbed him with the needle.
"Hugo! Don't bite!" said Marge.
Elsewhere at the Kwik-E-Mart.
"What brought you here, child?" Apu asked.
"My legs." Oscar snarked.
A studio audience laughed. Apu glanced at the camera.
"I meant, what are you buying today?"
"One red Squishee." said Oscar.
He paid first the Squishee.
"I once dug a pit and filled it with clouds... or was it clowns?... Come to think of it, it began to smell... must have been clowns. Clouds don't smell, they taste of butter. And tears." said Oscar insane.
Bart winced. "Okay you're scaring me Oscar."
Later after Marge got home with the shopping.
Oscar was mad at her for buying the wrong thing.
"Marge did you remember what I specifically wanted for dinner..." Oscar frowned.
"I remember. You want Alphaghetti." Marge sighed.
"If you remember, then why did you bring home Dinoghetti?" Oscar yelled.
"What difference does it make?" Marge was frustrated.
"You can't spell with dinosaurs!" Oscar yelled.
Dino, his dinosaur cartoon monster that looks like a baby Chomby winced exasperated.
...
Mr Burns is on his deathbed reciting his eulogy, but Hugo's blood rejuvenates him and he is back to his old selfish self.
"I'm not going to make it. I want to dictate my epitaph." said Mr Burns dying.
"Go ahead." Smithers got out a pen and notepad.
"Charles Montgomery Burns: American... and patriot. American patriot. Master of the atom... (Hugo's blood rejuvenated him.) scourge of the despot... O, tyrant, hear his mighty name and quake! Smithers, I'm back!" Mr Burns is healthy again. Rats...
At work.
Mr Burns greets everyone.
"Good morning! Top o the morning to you! Buenos Dias Oscavaldo!"
Everyone is either surprised or disappointed he's alive.
(Groans)
"Good morning Mr Brown Shoes." said Mr Burns.
He told Smithers he was once on his death bed but now he's full of pith and vinegar.
"Smithers I'm full of pith and vinegar."
"It's piss and vinegar..." said Oscar playing with a paddle ball.
Mr Burns ignored him.
"Hey!" Oscar whined.
"Smithers I've been vaccinated, tried every serum or tincture... And all I really needed was the blood of a young boy." said Mr Burns. "What was the lad's name?"
"Hugo Simpson." said Smithers.
"Who?" asked Mr Burns.
"The other son of Homer, a stiff in 7-G." said Smithers. "He's a bit of a mystery. No one has ever seen him or knows what he looks like."
"The Simpsons will be getting a very nice surprise in the mail." said Mr Burns.
Meanwhile Homer received a thank you letter from Mr Burns.
"Bill. Bill. Summons. Bill. Wait a minute. From C.M. Burns. This is it. Yes, this is it! Bart! Lisa! Hugo! Maggie! Let's do this out in the yard!" said Homer.
Which they all read in the back garden that evening with the sprinklers on for dramatic effect.
"Marge dim the lights! No turn them on! Oh do something!" said Homer.
Marge put the sprinklers on.
"Hey pay attention you freaky little mutant! I'm reading your letter for you because you can't read!" Homer yelled at Hugo because he was drinking the sprinkler water as it poured down into his open mouth.
"Holy moly! Why does that boy look like me?!" asked Bart.
"Narrator please..." Homer asked me to stop this charade with Hugo.
"You're still too weak to give blood. So someone else had to." said Oscar.
But Homer is angry he didn't get a present. The letter just said "Thank you."
"You shouldn't want a reward! You should do a good deed because you want to!" said Lisa.
"Shut up Lisa!" Homer told her.
"Mom!" Lisa whines.
"Homer!" Marge yelled.
"You don't do these things to be rewarded. You do it to help someone." said Marge.
"You're my wife and I love you very much... but you're living in a world of make-believe. With bells and magic frogs with funny hats." said Homer sarcastically.
"How fascinating! I live in a world of make-believe! With bells and magic frogs with funny hats!" said Oscar clearly insane. "It's actually a lot of fun once you get used to the screaming leprechauns."
Homer winced.
"There's just something not right about that kid..." Bart said unnerved.
...
The next day.
"We got hosed." Bart groaned.
"Bart! We got exactly what we wanted. We gave an old man a second chance." said Marge.
"No you helped save the life of a monster who ran over your son!" said Oscar.
"I promised my boy one simple thing: Lots of riches. And that man broke my promise! I've had it!" said Homer.
Homer writes a rude letter to Mr Burns with Bart's help.
"Dear Mr Burns, thank you kindly for the card. It was just great. In case you haven't realised, I was being sarcastic. You stink!" Homer recited. "Read it back to me boy."
"You stink." said Bart reading what he wrote.
"You are a buck toothed old mummy and smell like an elephants butt! And you have bony arms and hairy legs!" Homer recited as Bart wrote the letter.
"Coooool!" Bart giggled. Lisa sighed.
"I am bummed I didn't get a present. But I want something edible." said Hugo.
"Ugh... Mutant he's not gonna send food... except maybe a fruit basket. It's gold and gems that I want!" said Homer.
"Can I eat the gems?" Hugo asked.
"No!" said Homer frustrated.
"Dad this is really childish..." Lisa groaned.
"It's not childish. Hey, is poop face hyphenated?" Homer retorted. He asked Bart if Poop face was hyphenated.
Oscar cracked up laughing. "Poop face..."
That night Marge tried to convince Homer to change his mind.
"Homer he's your boss! Are you sure you should post that?!" said Marge.
"Yes." said Homer.
"At least sleep on it." said Marge.
"No." said Homer.
"Please..." said Marge.
But after sleeping on it, Homer changes his mind and decides not to send it. He dreamt of shaking money out of Mr Burns. Then pouring syrup on pancakes and eating them. He accidentally ate his pillow.
...
However Bart sends the letter.
"Why you little-!" Homer strangles Bart.
"Homer! You should be strangling yourself! You wrote that letter!" Marge tells him off for hurting Bart.
"Oh! This is all my fault! All I wanted was riches beyond my wildest dreams! Diamonds! Rubies! Emeralds!" Homer cried.
"Well I wanted a six foot tall sculpture of a duck! And a years supply of pie! I like pie!" said Oscar's living teddy bear creature, Teddy.
The Simpsons grimaced exasperated.
"I'm just mad. He's mad about pie." said Oscar.
"I should have just fed the letter to the freak..." Homer groaned.
"At least I'd have had something to eat!" Hugo frowned.
"Will you shut up already?!" Homer yelled at Hugo.
"No you shut up! I am fed up with hearing you! I don't mind listening whatever Hugey has to say," Oscar yelled.
"Okay listen to this buddy. Please refrain from calling me Hugey... it's Hugo..." Hugo said softly to Oscar.
"Hugey." Oscar squealed.
Hugo growled annoyed.
Oscar's room. Bedtime.
"Dad, can I have a story?" said Oscar.
"Once upon a time there was a little boy who made his foster dad so crazy he decided to sell him to the circus." Homer sighed reading him a story.
"An evil circus?" Oscar asked.
"Yes!" Homer snapped.
"Yaaaaaay!" Oscar was delighted.
"Homer!" Marge yelled. "No sweetie." she said to Oscar tucking him in. "A nice one with monkeys and clowns.
Uh oh...
"CLOOOOOOWWWWWWNSSS!" Oscar screamed delighted. He loves clowns. Billy hates them.
Homer winced exasperated.
...
Homer and Bart concoct a series of plans to retrieve the letter, but fail. And get told off by the mail lady when Homer tries to flood the mail box.
Homer fights with the mailbox to get it open.
"Give it up. It's locked up tight." said Bart.
"Locked, eh?" said Homer.
I" might have a little surprise up my sleeve... for old Mr. Lock. Step aside, boy." Homer starts angrily kicking the mailbox.
"Hey! I'm with you, Homer. Fight the power!" Barney yelled.
Homer then fetches a hose.
"Why the hose?" Bart asked.
"Why do you think?" Homer sighed. "The ink will get wet and Mr Burns won't be able to read his letter.
"But then you'll ruin everyone else's mail..." Bart sighed.
"So? They're just stupid inane letters... Like dear so and so... how are the kids..."
However the angry mailman lady that has a grudge against Bart told Homer off.
"Are you flooding the mail?!"
Homer screamed and fled.
Bart tries the logical approach.
They're in the post office at a register.
"Hello. My name is Mr Burns! I believe you have a letter for me." said Homer putting on a silly voice.
"Okay Mr Burns. What's your first name?" said the clerk.
"... I don't know." said Homer.
They were sat outside in defeat as Homer had obviously ruined the plan. "Great idea Bart..." Homer sighed.
"Hey! All you had to do was remember your boss's first name!" Bart retorted.
"Shut up!" Homer snapped.
Plot 3Meanwhile Lisa was teaching Maggie extremely long words and asked her to repeat them.
"Lis what are you doing?" Bart asked.
"Giving her the inspired and nurtured childhood I didn't have. I'm teaching her these long words. This word is Canine. Maggie point to the canine."
Maggie points to Santa's Little Helper.
"Good Maggie! Canine means dog!" said Lisa.
Bart groaned.
"Geek..." He groaned.
Lisa ignored him and showed Maggie more cards.
"Dodecahedron. Dodecahedron." Lisa was teaching Maggie complex 3D shapes.
"Lisa I don't know what you're doing but please stop. Daddy is worried." Homer is worried about Mr Burns reacting to the letter.
Homer even tried to sneak into Mr Burns's office to steal it but is caught by Mr Burns.
"Hello Homer." He is still pleased with Homer over Hugo saving his life that he's remembering his name.
Homer screamed.
Mr Burns receives the letter and reads it in front of Homer.
""Dear Mr Burns thank you so much for the letter." Why isn't that nice Homer..." said Mark Burns.
Then he reads the angry insults.
"You stink! You are a buck toothed old mummy and you have bony old girl arms etc."
Mr Burns gets angry at Homer's insults and orders him to be taken away and beaten to a pulp by his goons.
"I stink! I am a buck toothed old mummy?! And I have bony arms and legs like a girl?! That's it! Smithers! Have him beaten to a pulp!"
However Mr Smithers stops the goons from harming Homer and has the beating called off.
"What exactly did Homer do?" Crusher asked.
"His son saved Mr Burns's life!" Smithers cried.
...
At home Homer is worried.
"Oh I'm in for it now..."
"Where's Bart?" Marge asked Lisa who was still reading cards with odd words on them like Zebu to Maggie.
"Oh he's out trying to jump Springfield Gorge again... oh and Oscar broke the VCR by shoving a sandwich in there..." said Lisa.
Marge looked concerned and winced at Oscar.
"What?"
Homer laid on the couch worried.
"I've never seen Mr. Burns this mad, and he's always kind of mad!" said Homer.
"You called him a buck toothed old mummy and that he stank. Of course he's mad..." Hugo sighed rolling his eyes.
"I'm mad." said Oscar.
"Yeah, but mad as in insane. Mr Burns is just mad as in angry." said Bart.
"The VCR looked hungry!" Oscar yelled.
At the power plant at night.
"Smithers how did the beating go?" Mr Burns asked.
"I called it off." said Smithers nervously.
Mr Burns finds out and is furious with Smithers, "Judas!" but forgives him as he was right and decides to buy the Simpsons a present. A giant Olmec head.
"I'll pack my bags sir..." said Smithers.
"No. stay Smithers. You're right. As usual you're the logical Ying to my fiery Yang." said Mr Burns.
They buy the Simpsons a huge Olmec head.
"But what does it do?!" Homer asked his family.
"Whatever it does, it's doing now." Marge replies. They're to watch over Olmec territory.
"I don't like it. I can't eat it." said Hugo nibbling the Olmec head.
Homer face palmed.
Maggie holds up a placard reading "Aztec"
"No Maggie. It's Olmec. Olmec..." Lisa explained.
They then discuss what the moral of the story was. They can't figure it out.
The end at least in canon.
...
At breakfast the Simpsons stared at the giant head.
"It's a nice gift but it's creeping me out. Homer put it in the basement." said Marge.
Homer somehow dragged it down to the basement.
"Hey!" James, Graggle and Hank whined because in different Fan continuities they live in the basement.
Homer sighed.
In the lounge Oscar was being stupid again.
"When Saint Heinz Ketchup comes to Earth from the Smurf forest, he will flood my very being with holy unicorn magic and punish everyone else with explosive diarrhoea."
Lisa winced.
Bart was speechless with exasperation.