Trigger warning this chapter includes sexual violence and William Lewis. Please don't read or skip past those sections if you're subject to be triggered. You always put yourself first.
This chapter is kinda long. At least it is to me, lol. I hope you enjoy!
Fin, you're mistaken. She shook her head. Don't you think I'd know if I were assaulted recently? Don't you think I'd say something?" She asked, truly confused.
He rubbed his face and looked at Cragen who gave him another soft nod. "It wasn't recent." Fin stood up. "The videos are of you and Lewis."
The room stood still. Silence filling the space. Olivia was frozen with her hands on her desk, leaning against it for support. Looking at Fin still confused. "When?" She choked out.
"Before he shot himself… Like I said I didn't watch all of them-" He looked at her with concern, seeing her unsteady on her feet as she stood straight. "Maybe you should sit down, Liv."
"I'm fine." She spat at him, but then regained her composure. "How did they upload? Who..?" She took a moment, "We discovered that the actual site wasn't live until a few months ago." She started pacing behind her desk. "Are you to tell me that someone else has access to this? That someone has been had access to this?" she grabbed at the collar of her shirt. "I don't understand. He never recorded me" still pulling at her shirt with shaky hands. "This isn't real." She felt like the room was spinning.
Cragen jumped up and was at her side, "Maybe you oughta sit down… take a breather." she flinched slightly at his hand on her arm. "I'm fine" she glared at him. "I just… I-" she paused as Fin's words replayed in her head. 'Before he shot himself'
"Oh God…" realization hitting her and everything stopped. She could hear Don talking, but couldn't make out what he was saying.
"Liv…" Fin was now standing in front of her
She came out of her trance. "What did you see?" she looked Fin dead in the eye afraid of what he was about to say.
"Liv…" he said again, but the look in his eyes confirmed what she already knew.
"No… No… No. No. No." she shook her head and snatched her arm out of Cragen's grasp. "No. You don't get to come in here and try to turn my world upside down, Fin. I'm happy. I am genuinely happy." She grabbed her purse. "You don't get to ruin that."
"Olivia…" Cragen chimed in. "You know as well as I do that this isn't Fin's fault nor is it yours-"
She puts her hand up. "NO! I said, no." She starts to walk out. "I'm not having this conversation. I'll call in to request my time off… I'm taking the rest of the day." She goes to open the door. "Fin, you're next in command. You know what to do." She makes her way out the door.
The two men stared at each other at a loss for words. The deafening silence filled the office yet the pained look in Fin's eyes, Cragen finally decided to speak up. "You know she doesn't mean it." He pats Fin on the back. "She's hurting."
Fin looked at him and sighed. "Yea I know." With a sad smile he said, "Thanks for being here, Cap."
"I'm not going anywhere. I'm here for Liv… and for you." he gave Fin a pat on the back.
"Yea… well I have work to do. Detectives to command apparently."
"I'm going to stop by Olivia's place later. Make sure she's not falling into one of her holes."
"Yea, that sounds good. Thanks again." Fin walked out to his desk. Even though he'll have to take command today, he wasn't going to do it from Olivia's office.
Fin immediately puts himself to work remembering what Cragen said, but not feeling quite right handing the case over to someone they don't know. Going back and forth in his head until the noise of footsteps behind him gave a much needed distraction. Thinking it was one of his co-workers, he turned his chair to greet them.
"Good morning" he said before realizing it was Cragen. "What are you still doing here?"
"Watching you make a bad decision apparently." he pointed to his laptop.
"Listen… it's like you said, there's still other victims. It still has to be investigated."
"True, but you can't investigate Liv's case." He gave a sad smile.
"I'm not." he turned back to his computer. The video of Olivia and Lewis still up, but paused. "Look I appreciate everything you've done, but I really do have to get to work." He closed the tab knowing it wasn't his place to watch it anyway. "We still have two other open cases. This is a background case. Investigate when we can. So, if you don't mind, I gotta prepare for leading this team today."
Cragen gave him a nod of understanding. "I of all people get it and I'll leave you to it. I'll check in later." he walked toward the exit. "Don't do anything stupid okay?" Cragen said with a little bit of worry falling on his face.
"I gotchu cap."
Olivia drove home completely disassociated. Not even knowing how she got here safely seeing as she didn't remember the drive at all. She took the keys out the ignition and laid her head on the steering wheel. The whole scene replayed in her mind over and over. She couldn't help but be pained with guilt as she recalled her words to Fin. The person that's been there for her the most. The person that's seen her at her worst and she completely negated everything he's done for her with one sentence. It wasn't even his fault. If anyone were to blame here it's her. She instantly shook her head. "No. No, I will not do that to myself." Knowing this is how her spirals always start. "No. It's not my fault and it's definitely not Fin's." she told herself.
Exhausted and completely drained, she forced herself out of the car so she could just get in the bed, but as soon as she got into her apartment she wanted nothing more than to shower. Stripping off her close not even caring where they landed, she turned the water on as hot as it would go and jumped in. She scrubbed until her skin was red and she felt like even that wasn't enough. Once the water ran cold, she hopped out and wrapped her towel around her. Dragging herself to the bed telling herself that she was just gonna rest her eyes and then throw some clothes on.
She awoke to Noah calling for her. She sat up dazed and confused. "Mooom!" she heard again followed by footsteps coming toward her. "One second, bub. I just got out of the shower." She rushed to put her robe on and walked out happy to see her son.
"How was school?" she asked, wrapping him in a tight hug and kissing him on the forehead.
"Same thing, different day" he sighed, happy to be in his mother's arms. Olivia let out a chuckle "You're such an old man." she roughed up his hair and kissed his head again. "Where's Lucy?"
"She's coming. I had to pee and she couldn't find a park so she let me out at the front."
Olivia felt anger rise in her at Noah's words "What?! She let you walk up here by yourself?!
"Mom… I'm ten." I think I can manage." he said, a little confused as to why his mom was over-reacting.
"It doesn't matter. What if someone were in here. What wou-" she stopped herself realizing her anger was misplaced. "I'm sorry. Y-you're right." she said giving him another hug
"Mom, are you okay?" Noah looked up at her with worry in his eyes and Olivia's heart broke at the sight. She's pushing her trauma off on her innocent child. 'Becoming more and more like my mom with each passing day' she said to herself.
"Yea, baby. I'm fine. I just had a lapse in judgment." she assured him. "Everything's fine… So, what do you want for dinner?" Before he could answer Lucy walked in.
"Olivia! I'm surprised to see you home so early." she smiled at her boss. "Everything okay?"
"Yea, I just took the day. Thought I'd have a movie night with my favorite son" she winked at Noah.
"Oh, okay." Lucy gave Noah a hug. "I'll see tomorrow, bug"
"Bye." Noah said
Thanks again, Lucy." Olivia told her before shutting the door.
"So, dinner… What shall we eat?" she said looking in the fridge.
"Maybe just popcorn for the movie and ice cream for the credits" He giggled.
"Mmmmm… doesn't sound too bad, but you gotta eat real food." she chuckled.
"I did! Me and Lucy went to get pizza." Noah held his hands up. "I promise!"
"Okay… I'm taking your word." she gave him a not so serious glare "I'll make the popcorn while you shower and get your pjs on." With that Noah ran to his room.
Olivia finally having a chance to center herself, looked down at her watch realizing her eye-rest turned out to be a 7 hour nap. "No sleep for me tonight" she muttered. 'Not like I was going to anyway' she shot back at herself in her head. She sighed and started getting everything she needed for the popcorn
Ellitot entered the 1-6 with a bag of food in his hand. Heading straight to Olivia's office, but stopped noticing the lights were off and the door was closed.
"Where's Liv?" he turned to Fin who was deep into some flies on his desk.
"Took the day off" he replied without looking up.
"Why? That why she hasn't responded to any of my texts?"
Fin let out a heavy sigh "I don't know man, why don't you call her and ask." he returned to the files.
"She's not answering my text. What makes you think she's going to answer my calls?"
"Look… we've had a very hectic day. I don't have time to figure out why your 'Livvy' isn't answering your texts." Fin rolled his eyes, but then took a beat. "She's got some stuff going on so why don't you call and go check on her." With that Fin got up and headed to the cribs not wanting to say anything else. Elliot stood there for a second scratching his head and then walked out to his car.
As soon as he got in he called her. It rang once, and then again, and again. Finally she picked up. "El…? What's up?" Taken aback he replied "What's up? I've been trying to reach you all day."
"I'm sorry, I haven't had my phone on me. Everything okay?
"I could ask you the same question… I came by the office to drop off some food and you weren't there. Fin said you had some stuff going on."
"Well that wasn't for Fin to tell you." she said in a cold voice
"Liv, what's going on?"
"Nothing, El. Just drop it, okay?"
He sighed into the phone "Okay, Liv. Will you at least eat dinner with me? I have way too much food for just me."
"Noah's here, so unless you have enough for all three of us I think I'll pass."
"Of course I have enough for Noah. I'll be there in ten" he hung up the phone before she could protest.
F: Elliot's going over to check on Liv. Enjoy your night and try to rest.
C: Okay, thanks for letting me know. You do the same.
F: Sure thing.
"Hey, Noh" Olivia called into Noah's room.
"Yea, what's up mom?" he replied, drying his hair with a towel.
"Elliot wants to come over. I know it's supposed to just be a mommy-son movie night, but he said he wanted to eat dinner with us. If you'r-"
Noah's eyes lit up "Yes! I'm totally okay with that, Mom! Is Eli coming too?
"I don't think Eli is coming, but I thought you said you already ate dinner?" she raised her eyebrow and gave him a smirk.
"Yea, well now I'm feeling a little hungry. I could eat again." he chuckled
"Yea, su-" there was a knock at the door "saved by the knock" she laughed walking to check the peephole.
"Liv…" he said, staring at her in her robe.
"Elliot…" she smirked and motioned for him to come inside. "I'm gonna go throw on some clothes. Noah knows where all the dishes are." She walked in her bedroom.
"What's up, bud?" he asked Noah who was already walking to the kitchen to get some plates.
"Nothing much. I'm glad you're here. Mom is always happier when you're around" he said nonchalantly as he reached into the dishwasher to retrieve the dishes. Taken aback Elliot smiled, "Well I'll try my best to keep it that way."
"Yea… you better Noah replied picking up a butter knife from the dishwasher. "Are we gonna need these tonight?"
Elliot chuckled at what Noah was insinuating. "I hope not, bud"
"Good." Noah nodded and set the table as Olivia was walking back in wearing leggings and a tank top.
"Alright, let's eat boys." She smiled at them and sat down. She went to grab a container when her apple watch dinged.
E: 'There's only one thing I want to eat at this table and it's not the food'
She glared at Elliot rolling her eyes. "So tell me what you saw on your field trip today." she looked at Noah. Elliot turned a little red from embarrassment seeing that she didn't find his text funny and Noah filled them in about his field trip to the zoo.
The rest of the dinner was quite awkward to say the least.
"Mom, I'm tired and extra full… Can we do movie night tomorrow? I just want to go to bed."
"Sure, bub! You okay? It's only 7 o' clock." she asked, rubbing his back.
"Yea, I just ate too much and I've been in the sun all day. I just want to lay down."
"Okay, you go ahead. I'll walk Elliot out and then come tuck you in." Noah gave Elliot a hug and headed to his room.
"Liv, I'm sorry about the text. I didn't think it'd upset you." Olivia rolled her eyes. "What the fuck is wrong with you, Elliot?" she said in an angry whisper. Elliot was taken back by her sudden outburst.
"Liv, I really am sorry. I just thought you could use a little laugh. I know it's been a trying day." She sat back in her chair and crossed her arms. "You don't know shit about my day."
"Well why don't you tell me." he reached out his arm and put it on her thigh in a loving way.
"No. Not tonight. I have to get Noah to bed." She got up from the table. "I'll call you later." She made her way towards the door.
Elliot got the hint and followed behind her. Before he left, he bent down to give her a soft kiss on the lips, but she ducked her head back. "I'm sorry, El…" she has tears at the brim of her eyes. "Just- Please, just go." Elliot looked at her and took a breath not wanting to say anything else that would upset her. "Alright, call me when everything is settled?" She gave him a small nod and a weak smile and shut the door.
As soon as the door closed she let the tears fall silently down her face with her head resting on the door. "Pull yourself together, Olivia." she whispered. She stood up, wiped her face and headed to Noah's room. She found Noah was already fast asleep. She pulled the blanket up on him and kissed him on the cheek. "Sweet dream, Bub."
She closed his door and headed to the kitchen, going straight for the wine and pouring herself a generous amount knowing what she was about to do would require it. She sat down on the couch and put the bottle and glass on the table. Taking a deep breath, she opened her laptop and put the website in the search bar. Not really knowing what she should type to find what she was looking for, she opted on just typing 'Lewis'.
Dozens of videos popped up, but none of them being what she was looking for. She kept searching and searching until she fell upon something that made her breath catch in her throat. 'Pig Gets a Good Fuck' - User: lewis_bestlover. She couldn't see the face, but she knew it was her. Against her better judgment she clicked on it. Her heart beating in her ears. Hesitantly waiting for the page to load. Then it popped up payment information giving her the option of making an account or paying for a one time subscription.
She lowered her head into her hands. "Am I really about to do this?" she asked no one in particular. She lifted her head back up and reached out to the table, opting for the entire bottle instead of the glass. She chugged it down and picked the one time subscription using her . Once it was done a notification popped on the screen reading 'Enjoy your wildest dreams'. She closed it and saw that it had 9,438 views and posted only two weeks ago. The thought of that many people watching the worst day of her life made her gag. She could feel the wine starting to rise back up, but swallowed. "I have to do this." she told herself. Without a second thought she clicked play.
Instantly regretting her decision as Lewis moans filled her ears. It only took two seconds to take her back to that day.
Do what you're going to do." she said, trying to sound steady.
"I've been waiting for this moment since you tried to take me out at our beach house."
She winced at his words, making it seem like it was somewhere she wanted to be.
"I'm going to rip you in two, but don't worry…" he started to undo her buckle "I'll make sure you enjoy it just as much as me." He started putting his mouth all over her, but she didn't flinch. "Sacrifice yourself, save the girl" she kept repeating in her head.
Lewis bit down on her neck and she let out a whimper. In the corner of her eyes she could see it got Amelia's attention. "Look away, Amelia. It's okay."
"You remember our little rendezvous in the bathroom, right detective?" He smiled against her lips. "My apologies. Sergeant." he corrected himself as he started to pull her pants down. "I'll make sure we do a recap. I gotta take care of my girl." he said as his hands snaked to her center roughly. She let out a cry. "Oh, Livvy… don't cry. We're just getting started." He said as he rubbed her a little more gently. Olivia started to squirm under him, realizing what he was trying to do… again. "Lewis…" Olivia sobbed out. "Please don't do this. Please."
"Ooh, you know I love when you beg" he started to pick up his pace and she could feel his erection against her, realizing her movements were only helping it.
"Lewis, PLEASE." She was starting to get historical. Losing sensation in her hands from gripping the table so hard.
"Oh, calm down Olivia." he said, removing his hand and she let out a sigh in relief. "I was trying to make sure you had a little fun before you met your end." He licked his fingers. "But… since you're not a willing participant, I'll have to show sweet little Amelia that good time." He said walking over to her.
"NO! Lewis leave her alone." she said standing up as straight as she could with her arm and legs bound to the table.
"You had your chance, Olivia." his hand slid down Amelia's face. "Too late." he went to untie her.
"Lewis, please!" Olivia said begging through blurred vision "Please… just leave her alone."
"Under one condition" his evil grin wide like a kid in a candy shop "Tell me you want me."
There was a long pause. Olivia just looked at him with pleading eyes. "That's what I thought. You can't save everybody, Sergeant." He went back to untying the little girl. Olivia closed her eyes and lowered her head. "I want you." she said just barely above a whisper. Lewis stopped what he was doing and looked at her. "What was that?" He put his hand to his ear. "Remember what you did to me? Eardrum is busted."
"I said…" she began with anger "I. Want. You."
She looked at him with fury in her eyes. "Sacrifice yourself, save the girl." she repeated again as Lewis stormed to her. "That's more like it, Olivia." he placed his hand back on her and kissed her neck while rubbing her violently. All she could was cry silently as she felt her body start to respond to his touch. "You're pathetic," she told herself. Seconds later her legs started to give out and her eyes fluttered. "I told you, you wanted me." Lewis bragged into her ear. She let out a strangled cry, hoping he kept his word of her meeting her end after this.
Olivia tried to shake it off. She refused to have an episode with her son only a few feet away from her, but nothing was working. Not the stupid breathing exercises Lindstrom gave her, not the wine, nothing. She could feel his hands on her. She could feel him inside of her. She needed a shower. She got up with a little sway, not knowing if it was the alcohol or the panic attack she could feel on the horizon. She slowly made her way to the shower. Silent tears flowing down her face. She scrubbed to the point that she was bleeding, but she could still feel him when she got out of the shower. She grabbed some alcohol wipes and started to scrub her skin with them. Nothing was working. She needed to feel someone else. She needed someone else to take her pain away. Not knowing what else to do, she texted Elliot.
O: Come fuck me. Right now.
Oof... that was a whirlwind. Please leave a review if you want. Thanks for reading!