Magic must defeat Magi- NOT!
...
I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!
...III...
I THANK GOD FOR EVERYTHING!
...III...
-And that's how my Uncle Jackie defeated the Ogdru Jahad!" Finished Jade with Gusto.
"Yeah, sure. Whatever you say Jade." Snarked her classmate Drew.
Jade frowned, it was such a drag having to go to boring old school after a crazy adventure like the one in Mexico! Sadly, although her Uncle and Hellboy were able to- SOMEHOW -defeat that nine headed abomination...it's minions and monsters were still roaming around wreaking havoc...
On the plus side, Captain Blacks superiors were no longer mocking him about magic...not that it did them much good as most of the global spy agencies were now focusing their resources on both damage control and cover up in Mexico...
So they were still on their own in regards to the Talismans...worse, thanks to their insistence on covering up their awesome butt-kicking... no one believed her story!...the fact she had omitted certain... 'bare facts' from said story probably didn't help...but it was the principle of the matter!
But all of that paled in comparison to the absolute WORST thing of all-
"Jade's telling the truth! And I can prove it!"
Jade went pale...
-Was that HE was here with her...
"Don't worry cousin, I got your back!", Said Cave suddenly as he began to bring something out of his backpack.
"NO! No! No! That's not necessary! Drew's right!"
"I am?" Asked a now VERY startled Drew in baffled disbelief.
"Yep! I'm full of BS! Total liar! We should all listen to Drew!"
"I...what's happening here?" Asked Drew, now very befuddled by this abrupt change of attitude...and the rest of the class wasn't much better.
"What? Jade did you hit your head? Your not lying! That all happened! I was there! I saw it!"
"Never mind that! It's not important! Let's just forget the whole thing!", exclaimed an ever more desperate Jade.
"No, really! It's no big deal! I built a device that should be able to send us to Mexico and we'll prove your story!", He explains as he pulls out an odd gizmo-
"Mr. Johnson! No games in my classroom!" Exclaims Miss Hartman as she tries to grab it from him.
"Wait, it's no game-
"I don't care what you call it! You can have it back at the end of class!", says the teacher as she treis to yank it from his grasp...causing it to glow?
"Stop! your messing with the controls! If you would just give me FIVE SECONDS-
"Don't back sass me young man!"
Jade whimpered as yet another of Cave's 'inventions' began to spark and whine...
""Everyone run! Jump out the windows if you have to! Just hit the deck!" She screams as she tries to run-
ZAP!
But it's too late...
...
GAH!
Screamed the class as they fell through the vortex-
BOOM!
Went the model city when they crashed into it-
"GAH! WHAT ARE YOU DONG!?"
Or...what they THOUGHT was a model city...
"I'm Cutey Hubey and your destroying Cutie Town!" Shouted the adorable, tiny grape-like creature as it floated above them on a bunch of colorful balloons...
SPLAT!
"Were a nice peaceful society full of cute little one-inch tall cute little guys who love each other and only know how to be nice. AND YOUR KILLING ALL OF US!"
BOOM!
Several kids sobbed as indeed they had stepped on hundreds of little people...
SPLAT!
"We welcome all strangers with open arms and full hearts! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS!?"
BOOM!
They were doing this, because the puddles of goop that used to be Little Cuties were extremely slippery!
SPLAT!
That, plus the fact they'd been dropped in the middle of a very compact, little city meant it was impossible to move anywhere without toppling at least one building!
BOOM!
"Your destroying everything!"
SPLAT!
In other words...it was all one big clusterfuck...
BOOM!
"That's my child hood home you just stepped on! AND SOME PUPPIES!"
SPLAT!
"That was our community pool full of honey! Super delicious and kills ALL bacteria and all other yucky stuff like that! You could literally crap where you eat all day long with NO consequences!"
BOOM!
"It's one of our greatest scientific/cultural marvels! AND YOU JUST DESTROYED IT!"
SPLAT!
"It's also where all expectant mothers go for water aerobics since the honey also has extraordinary rejuvenative properties, guaranteed to ensure all babies are all perfectly healthy in the womb!"
BOOM!
"So you basically just committed infanticide times a thousand! Or maybe you don't care about that, I don't know your personal political beliefs in regards to being pro/anti -life. Bit of a conversational minefield there, so I'm not going to ask..."
SPLAT!
"But even for the sake of argument we say that doesn't count...YOUR MURDERING THOUSANDS OF PREGNANT WOMAN YOU ASSHOLE!"
BOOM!
"Well I hope your happy! I'm pretty sure you destroyed our library made of Candy!"
SPLAT!
"Nope, you didn't mishear! A. LIBRARY. MADE. OF. CANDY!"
BOOM!
"Why's it made of candy, you might ask? Just cute, little, nonsensical, whimsy, right?"
SPLAT!
"Wrong! Here in little Cutie Town we've perfected edible books! All the fun if candy, plus you ABSORB all the knowledge in the books upon consumption!"
BOOM!
"That's right! Instant knowledge download to your brain with no bad side-effects! Not even diabetes! It's all the taste of candy with the health of vegetables!"
SPLAT!
"It's the reason our educational system is so great! One month at school doing nothing but eating candy is all you need to pass a High School GED! 100% guaranteed pass rate, 0% dropouts for hundreds of years!"
BOOM!
"And we would've given you that technology if you'd asked! No strings attached! WERE THAT NICE! But it's gone now, thanks to you!"
SPLAT!
"We could've revolutionized your whole society to a whole golden age! But you just had to stomp it flat! Enjoy your years of public school nightmares numb nuts!"
BOOM!
"Oh, my blood! This is- This sucks so much! Your just walking around knocking down buildings! Oh, no! No, no, no, no! I hate seeing everyone I know and love die!"
SPLAT!
"Oh, no! There goes Cutie Steven! You just stepped on Cutie Steven! You didn't even realize it, CUZ YOUR SO BIG!"
BOOM!
"You just step on my friends and it doesn't even register to you! Oh, no!"
SPLAT!
"Cutie Steven was my lover! We were in love, we were going to grow old, have a family together and now he's dead!"
BOOM!
"Ugh! You know how much that hurts to see? You know how much it hurts to see the person you were in love with just be squished by a giant FREAK with no fucking qualms whatsoever!?"
SPLAT!
"Oh my blood...oh..."
BOOM!
"So your just going to keep running around my cute little town and smashing stuff- like your just going to have fun with that? That's what you wanna do?"
SPLAT!
No one answered, there too busy trying to NOT slip on corpse puddle and further damage the town...and failing miserably...
BOOM!
"You know, you could leave! You could get out of here and do anything else, but your not! Your just gonna keep knocking stuff down... Okay! Alright! I'll just sit here and watch, I guess."
SPLAT!
Again, it was not like they weren't TRYING to leave...but they had fallen fall on their faces so many times...was no covered in the slippery guts of so many cuties...they could barely move without falling flat on their faces again, colliding into yet another mini-massacre...
BOOM!
"I'm powerless to stop you. I'm so tiny and small and weak and cute, there's nothing I could do! If I wanted to stop you by force it's just not an option for me!"
SPLAT!
"Oh well, this sucks! I said it before and I'll say it again, this fucking sucks!"
BOOM!
"Do you know how long it took us to build this city? This is centuries of work, this, this is civilization for us!
SPLAT!
"This is the ONLY city on our world by the way. This is where all the people live!"
BOOM!
"So if you crush and destroy the city- WHICH YOUR DOING! -were all gone! Were all DEAD! This is a genocide! This is definitely counting as a genocide!"
SPLAT!
"When the history books take a look at what happened here. They're gonna say: 'This whole alien race was genocided by this giant freak who decided to just traipse in and crush everyone for fun!'"
BOOM!
"...Well by accident, or by fun. It's not really clear why your doing this to be honest..."
SPLAT!
It was by accident, but at this point most of them were either too busy sobbing or vomiting to explain this...
BOOM!
"Oh, ho!, ho! Ho! I'm just upset about all this, that's all. Sorry for reacting so strongly to everyone dying. Cursing you all out left and right. It's just my instinct, y'know?"
SPLAT!
"Actually, you know what? NO! Fuck it! This is- I SHOULD be reacting strongly! Your killing people! Your killing everyone I know! I'm allowed to be mad about that! I'm VERY allowed!"
BOOM!
"Oh! Your destroying our historic monuments! Oh my blood, that was Little Cutie Town Hall! That was where our founding fathers wrote the original peace treaty that us Little Cuties have lived by for CENTURIES!"
SPLAT!
"No bloodshed! No Violence! Just perfect cute little lives devoided of any disaster...until today! YOU MONSTERS!"
BOOM!
"Why are you doing this! Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! Didn't you see what just happened! Everyone's dying! Your killing people!"
KA-BOOM!
"GAH! That was our power plant! Our NUCLEAR plant! Totally safe, by the way! At least until you came and triggered a nuclear reaction!
SPLAT!
Don't worry though we made it safe for NON-cuties even at it's most volatile! Course that was at the cost of making a it a QUINTILION TIMES MORE LETHAL TO OUR OWN PEOPLE YOU UNGRATEFUL BASTARDS!"
BOOM!
"Oh, my! Oh, no! It just wiped out an entire neighborhood! Hundreds of happy families dead in an instant!"
SPLAT!
"Not to mention how the radiation will linger for DECADES! Killing anything that tries to grow here!"
BOOM!
"And even if we don't all starve to death, we'll all be sterile! No more kids! Goodbye little cuties! It's extinction town for us!"
SPLAT!
"Oh, no! You just crushed our hospital! We had a state of the art healthcare program here in Little Cutie Town where everyone gets treated for free! That hospital was full of sick people in need AND NOW THEY'RE ALL DEAD!"
BOOM!
"Did I mention it also had a special feature that allowed it too teleport any injured cuties to it instantaneously? Yeah, it's that good of a hospital!
SPLAT!
So any survivors of your rampage are now double dead! You just maximized the Cutie casualty rate! I HOPE YOUR PROUD OF YOURSELF!"
BOOM!
FINALLY Cave was able to dig through the guts, blood, corpses and flaming wreckage to find his gizmo...naturally it was already too late of course...
SPLAT!
"Okay, that's it! My whole Little Cutie Town is ruined! You've ruined the whole city! All my friends are dead! I'm the only last Little Cutie alive...AND I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF!"
The class- those not staring vacantly into the abyss or silently sobbing anyway -just gazed at the sobbing cutie in horror...
"I guarantee it! As soon as you walk away I'm gonna be so depressed I just pop a gun in my own head and die! I'm going to fucking die! I'm just going to fucking die!"
Again, everyone was speechless...the sheer enormity of the atrocity they'd accidentally committed was simply too much for them to comprehend...
"How's that sound? No more living for me! I don't want to be alive! My whole town home is gone and dead and...YOU DID IT! IT'S YOUR FAULT!"
Again...they were all silent- save for Cave as he fiddled with the device, to make it function again -none of them knew what to say...what COULD they say? What could ANYONE say to make this right? COULD it be made right?
"You should've realized you were so BIG, your going to ruin things. You should've never come here. I never would've realized that, because I'm kinda dumb sometimes."
But your smarter then me, I'm assuming. So you should've said, 'Hey! I'm not going to go into this little town. I don't wanna stomp on shit like a big Godzilla! Not for me! Not what I wanna do with my life! I don't wanna go kill everybody!', AND THEN NOT DID IT! Instead you just did it! You walked in and knocked over entire buildings! EVERYONE'S DEAD NOW!"
ZAP!
At long last Cave had successfully reversed the polarity of the device and sent them back to the classroom...which very quickly filled up with puddles of guts and rancid smells that even flies can't stand...
"Okay, you all saw that right? Miss Hartman messed with the device! I told her not to, but she did anyway! So that was not my fault! That was not on me! YOUR ALL WITNESSES!"
"I...oh my blood...your right...it IS my fault...everything...my fault..." Miss Hartman began to shake and quiver...she walked over to her desk...opened a secret compartment...and began to drink her secret stash of booze...
Meanwhile, Cutey Hubey had- somehow -been brought with them...not that he had noticed and/or cared...he was too busy sobbing hysterically while still floating through the air on his balloons...
"I am...I am so sad! I'm so fucking sad right now!"
"I know that I'm mostly just yelling, but if you let me just calm down for a second...which I'm gonna do. Okay, I'm gonna calm down right now."
"I am so fucking sad, I'm so fucking depressed now..."
"Just shoot me. Shoot me with a gun. Go ahead and shoot me so I die. So I don't have to kill myself. Just do me that favor. Just take me out of my misery."
"I don't wanna be alive if everyone else I know is dead. This is survivors guilt."
"You ever hear of it? When somebody goes to fight in a war and all their friends die and then they come back like: 'Why me? Why did I live? I shoulda died! Why me instead of them?'"
"Well, guess what pal? That's what I'm feeling right now and I don't have the money to spend on anymore therapy."
"Not that it would matter, because even if I did have the money- which I DON'T - it would be WORTHLESS now since you totaled my job, economy and society! And that's all assuming my therapist isn't dead! WHICH SHE IS! I literally saw you total her MANSION!"
"So just POP POP me in my head! Go ahead! Just squish my head like a grape! Please just POP POP me, come on! I wanna die! I WANNA DIE! Come on! Come on, do it! DO IT! Shoot me! I am totally ready to go!"
"What am I gonna do? Just hang out here in a broken city? Hold my friends corpses and say, 'Oh, I miss you. I love you so much and now your dead!'?"
"No, I'm not going to fucking do that! I just wanna die! Come on! Come on! Kill me! Come on! Do it!"
CHOMP!
Everyone just gaped in horror as Cave just jumped up out of nowhere and gobbled the little guy up.
"DUDE!" Shrieked Jade in disgusted horror while everyone around her gave up on any form of composure and began to hysterically sob or vomit...
"what? He was literally asking for it, they won't let us carry guns at school and I was hungry!"
"But nevermind that now, turns out what that Cutie thought was their library getting destroyed was actually the blind puppy orphanage! The library is fine!"
"True, all the residents were killed by a flood of radiation, but I checked it! It's perfectly healthy for us to be around!"
"So I brought it with me- holds up said Candy Library -and I'm confident I can reverse engineer it! It'll be awhile, but soon will have the knowledge of an entire advance alien race at our disposal! Inducing that candy book tech for our schools! You know what the means?"
He pulls out a radio from somewhere and cranks out some tunes...
...(music starts)...Schools out- Alice Cooper...
Well, we got no choice
All the girls and boys
Makin' all that noise
'Cause they found new toys
Well, we can't salute ya
Can't find a flag
If that don't suit ya
That's a drag
School's out for summer
School's out forever
School's been blown to pieces
No more pencils
No more books
No more teacher's dirty looks, yeah
Well, we got no class
And we got no principles
And we got no innocence
We can't even think of a word that rhymes
School's out for summer
School's out forever
My school's been blown to pieces
No more pencils
No more books
No more teacher's dirty looks
Out for summer
Out 'til fall
We might not come back at all
School's out forever
School's out for summer
School's out with fever
School's out completely
'Read the room idiot...' Thinks Jade to herself as an oblivious Cave continued to dance like crazy while the rest of the class continued, to sob, vomit and huddle in a fetal position in the gut covered class...
...III...
TO BE CONTINUED?
AN: Want me to continue this? I'm willing to take Bribes! Go to my K,o-Fi account!
Also feel free to also adopt whatever you want!
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