Hello Inkdrops,

Welcome back!
There is not much information about the retreat as a building, so I am absolutely making stuff up here.
Also big TW for some discussion of trauma (domestic violence, but NO SA). Additionally, Xandra's loss of voice is not 100% medically backed up even though there are medical conditions that resemble hers, but hey we are dealing with aliens/superheroes/whatnot here, so I suppose that's alright.

Disclaimer: I still don't own Marvel.

Chapter 29: Ambivalence

"Well, that is an awful mess," he commented dryly after a while.

Xandra lifted her head, rolling her eyes at him. Obviously she knew this already! Her eyes were crusted from tears and she really ought to wash her face, maybe even have a shower. Maybe after that she would feel less disgusting.

"Of course I will help you. But sooner or later you must ask yourself how long you are willing to run. We both know protocol, indexing and all, and it is there for a reason. I am not saying it is nice, just saying - think about it, think about where you want to stand, where you want to belong, and what you are willing to give up for that. But more later. I suppose we eat something now, and then we are on our way," he proposed, "there is no point in hanging around here. The neighbours are not too bad, but the less they see or hear, the better."
He looked at her quizically. "The question is, do you want me to give you a ride or do you want me to stay?"

Steve of giving her a choice - of course he was giving her choice, but since her... transformation, this seemed to be the first real choice she had had. Would you have asked her two weeks earleir what she would say in this case, Xandra would not have been able to say. Now, however, for some reason, there was no question.

Stay pls

She scribbled on a piece of paper that had been lying on the coffee table, noting how a pleased expression quickly flitted across his face.

He pushed the blanket away, walking into the kitchen. While she was slowly getting up as well, reluctant to move out of the warm cocoon, the woman suddenly noticed the colourful patterns on his socks (small Yodas and R2D2s) and smiled slightly. When Steve turned around, he caught her look.

"I will inform you that I had planned to have a calm evening in and you interrupted my Star Wars marathon," he told her seriously.

Sorry

The man just shrugged.

"That's alright. I have the DVDs. Does pasta sound okay?"

At that point, anything eatable and warm sounded okay, and pasta was always a good choice. She nodded, stepping next to him into the kitchen to rummage in the drawers for a huge pot.

"Let me! You just relax," he commanded, "if you need anything, let me know."

Now it was her time to shrug her shoulders, she would not argue about that offer. Instead, she walked into the bathroom on the ground floor. She was surprised about the amount of stylishness - grey and white tiles with yellow and orange accents such as the towels or soap. Everything smelled vaguely citrusy or tropical. It was nice, really, and for a moment she wondered whether another woman had had a hand in designing and styling this room. However, the typical markers were definitely missing: There was no perfume, no handlotion, no lipstick. Even though this was not the master bathroom, there would have been traces of a girlfriend or lover. Unfrotunately, all her make-up came off when she washed her face, so she had to walk back to the living room to get her little pouch with foundation and concealer to re-apply her disguise. It was funny though, how she made an effort like that, trying to fool cameras and CCTV and Steve had not even blinked once, recognizing her in an instant. Well, that might be the result of... she pushed that thought away as quickly as possible. When she walked past the foyer on her way back to the kitchen, she quickly checked the shoes. No high heels or womens' shoes in general, only mens' coats. Apparently, there seemed only one person to be permanently living here.

"Are you done canvassing my home?" Steve asked her, slightly amused, when she walked into the kitchen.

She just shrugged her shoulders again, refusing to be embarassed but also to elaborate.

"For what it's worth, I live alone here. I bought the house to have a place away from everything. Apaprently did not work out so well, I guess. Since you found me that easily. And there is nobody else...new...you know what I mean." He stirred in the pot almost agressively. "What about you?"

After hesitating for a moment, Xandra truthfully shook her head. There hadn't been anyone after him. It was almost embarrassing, really, how hung up she still was on this man with his beautiful eyes, and the shy smile that could develop the strength of a lightbeam if he felt truly happy. Not that she would tell him. That ship had long sailed. After Steve had plated their food, they ate at the kitchen island, her feet dangling from the high chair. During the whole meal, she felt his eyes on her. Finally, she looked up, cocking her head in a "what?!" gesture.

"I was trying to imagine you with silver hair," he finally admitted, "I bet it looks beautiful."

The woman huffed silently, not sure how to take the comment.

"Could you do the dishes please while I pack my things, please?" Steve asked her after a while, carrying over his plate to the sink.

The woman nodded, motioning at him to get going. He was actually really fast, she supposed he always had an emergency bag ready to go. It did not give her time to appropriately dry the dishes, so she carefully stacked them on the drying rack next to the sink. That would have to do for now.

"I think we should take your car, I suppose you have already changed it once, right? I don't think Coulson knows my car here, but I don't want to take any chances. He could figure out you came looking for me," Steve argued.

The woman nodded, though her mind grumbled that actually, she had not come to find him, but rather been tricked into it. Not that it made any difference now. Without thinking about it, she handed him the car keys. Steve looked just as surprised as herself when he took them from her, but then a shy smile spread over his face. He ushered her outside, locking up behind them, getting bags into the car. Both jumped in before curious neighbours could start any kind of conversation. In all honesty, Xandra wasn't unhappy she did not have to drive, for now, even though in general she loved driving. But with this man next to her, her position on the passenger seat meant more time to wonder and ponder and to figure out what to do about it. Steve turned on the radio, since conversation was basically impossible at that point. Unless Xandra would type things in her phone to be then read out, she had no idea how to communicate with Steve who had to look at the road. Instead, she kept looking out of the tinted windows, still alert as if a helicopter could break through the clouds and start to chase them any minute. Ridiculous really.

"I miss your voice," Steve suddenly blurted out, making her head whip around. "So sorry, I should not have said that," he added right away, "I just... damn it, I just had this flashback of you singing in the car and it was so beautiful."

Xandra did absolutely not know how to react to this so she just shrugged. SHe ahd been doing an awful lot of that lately. But communicating without sound was hard, especially if the partner did not understand signs. At the moment, she just wanted to disappear. That would certainly be easier than being in a car with the ex-boyfriend. Who was making insensitive comments.

"Oh my goodness, I am so making this worse, aren't I?" he went on, "I am so sorry, really sorry, if I have hurt you in any way. Also when I was commenting on your hair. I want to try to make this ... good conversations. Goodness... shit, I am messing up again, aren't I?"

It could have annoyed her, him sounding pained while she was the one who actually had to live with all of that shit, but the way he actually seemed desperate to convey a meaning without hurting her even more and frustration about the lack of expression tugged at her heartstrings. Not being able to express herself was something she had become increasingly familiar with in recent times, unfortunately. So, she decided to leave the discussions for later and instead let her hand rest across his on the steering wheel, slightly touching his knuckles. There was something like a wave going through his body, and some of the tension bled out. Nevertheless Steve seemed to agree that silence was the safer option and the rest of the five-hour drive was spent in awkward from time to time Steve would point out a landmark, or comment on the trees, or on something he had seen or done. Supersoldier serum also made a person able to drive for ages, something that Xandra was fairly grateful for right now. Since they only had to stop for food (the girl at Burger King gave them curious glances as they ordered enough for a medium sized family) they managed to drive on and on, the landscape changing continuously in front of her window. As they were driving through forest, forest, and even more forest, the woman seriously hoped that Steve actually knew where they were going. However, until now, he never had given her a reason to mistrust his sense of orientation, so she did not interfer.

"This road is much more fun on a motorbike," he remarked casually after a while, "you can smell the trees in the wind in your face. It is less... monotone."

The woman shrugged (again), she was not particularly bothered about the rather monotonous surroundings. At least the trees sort of covered them from above, not well, but better than an open highway. An opportunity to blend in with other cars would have been preferable, but there were less cameras around here, so that was something. After 20 or so more minutes. Steve started to slow down. They drove around a corner, and Xandra huffed in disbelief at what she saw in front of her: A cabin stood at the edge of a little lake, looking rustic and very charming in the evening light. It looked like holidays and summer camp, not like a safe haven in their situation. Steve parked the car behind the house. As he stopped the engine and turned towards her, he noticed her confused expression.

"I know, it doesn't look like much. But believe me, it is made from very sturdy stuff. Also, the tracks around here are marvellous," he gave her a lopsided grin, "okay, let's get inside."
They quickly crossed the path towards the entrance door where Steve unlocked the door with a code.
"Very few people have the code, I suppose. As far as I know,the pad does not recognize fingerprints. But who knows? I never really cared before. In any case, someone can rather see I am here than that you are here."

Xandra nodded. It was dark inside, so she turned on the lights.

"Well, if you turn out the lights, we could open the windows for a bit and get fresh air in," her companion commented. "There is no real air conditioning and stuff in here. As far as I know, Banner made it to contain himself as Hulk, but it is not a fortress."

The windows were wood, just as the rest, but as Xandra pushed at them, she felt they must have been reinforced, sicne they were weirdly heavy. Steve had dropped their luggage including the canned food behind them somewhere in a corner and was now checking the cabin.

"I don't see any changes since I was last here," he commented, "which is good I suppose."

Out of the corner of her eyes she saw him moving towards the door, but before she could do anything, he stopped in his tracks, turning towards her.

"Alice, could you please lock the door? I think that's safer," he asked politely.

Something warm fluttered in her belly, nearly making her jump after those days of numbness. He remembered and accomodated her struggles without batting an eyelash, without questioning. She quickly pushed the door closed, locking it with the help of the key pad. She gave him a small smile walking past him to flop down on the couch. He slowly followed her, sitting down next to ehr with some space in between.

"Are closed spaces still troubling you?" he asked directly, but not unkindly.
She nodded, there was no point of denying that. He acknowledged it with a court nod, and despite his outer calm, she could see the repressed fury in the line of his jaw. Funny how much one remembered about a person. It really really should have annoyed her how much he was bothered about her business, but she knew it was coming from a place of care, so it was difficult to be angry about it - she could never manage more than mild annoyance. Steve always felt he had to safe the world, one of the things that had been so magnetic to her in the first place. An idealism she had never had, now less than ever. Which meant they were now the worst match ever, right? Not that it mattered. Because it didn't. Really. Not anymore.
"Were you lying to me about your wherabouts?" he asked.
With a shrug that she hoped looked apologetic, she nodded, noting the pained expression on his face. She wanted to add that it wasn't personal, but damn, it was personal.
"Did you go back to him?" Steve went on, obviously dreading the answer.
For a moment, Xandra considered to lie, but then decided to be as truthful as possible with a vague hand gesture. After all, she had seen her father again and lived in her old house, but they had not had any closer contact and he had not had any opportunity to hurt her. To make this clear, she smiled slightly, pointing first towards herself and then giving Steve a thumbs up. The relief on his face made her heart ache. The woman pointed towards him, gave a thumbs-up again and amde what she hoped was a questioning face. It felt only right to inquire after his well-being now, she rationalized.
He shrugged.
"I'm okay. Not gonna lie, HYDRA being back is still a punch in the gut. Defeating them was a thing I believed in, you know. And now... And Bucky is still around there somewhere. We had traces, but nothing came of it."
Suddenly, he got up to walk over to his bag, just to come back with paper and a pen.
"You looked as if you wanted to say something."
She rolled her eyes.

My payment from S.H.I.E.L.D.: classified file. Bucky

He frowned. "Why would you want that?"
She rolled her eyes again, frowning about his daftness. Then he stabbed him in the chest with her left index finger.
"For me?"
She nodded, eyes on his face that reflected a hundred different emotions.

Couldn't take it with me.

"That's okay, you tried -"
She held up her hand to make him shut up.

photographic memory. Gimme bit of time and peace and quiet