CHARMING'S AUTHORS NOTE #1: Hello everyone, welcome back! I promise i'm not dead, nor have I turned my back on all of you wonderful people. I will admit that the month of May was a very busy month for me and I haven't gotten back to Desire in a long while. I made my yearly pilgrimage to Indianapolis, Indiana for the Indianapolis 500, which was awesome! On the topic of Desire, I HAVE started chapter twenty-five, it is started, I just haven't worked on it in a while. Now that i've covered that, onto this story! The story you are about to read is a conscious effort on my part to write an M fic that IS NOT SMUT! This story is a serious drama with adult themes, adult moments, and hopefully just plan good storytelling. All of you will ultimately be the judge of whether or not i've succeeded in my quest.
CHARMING'S AUTHORS NOTE #2: The origin of the idea for this story began with an evening of watching Chuck with my dad. We watched four episodes from season 2 and it just got the creative juices flowing! The next day, I picked a song from my Chuck music playlist (Bottom of the Ocean by Nico Stai) and just began typing. I started writing, and continued for four days. When this thing was finished, it was seven chapters in length and 30,407 words. I wrote it as one continuous word document so I was surprised to learn that it is exactly 49 pages in length, I was so close to 50!
CHARMING'S AUTHORS NOTE #3: No beta readers were harmed in the construction of this fanfic lol. I've scoured this one and have cleaned it up myself, so blame me if you see any mistakes! I figure Nev is busy enough with his 4,579,231 active stories that he's got going concurrently. I don't know how he does it, I can't hardly keep one going!
Numb
A Story by
CharmingCharles2896
Chapter One:
The Silence
He knew he had no right to her. They weren't together, it was only a cover. Even if all of that was true, the feeling in the pit of his stomach wouldn't abate. He felt hurt and he knew he shouldn't. The woman Chuck Bartowski loved, had slept with another man and he wasn't okay with that. The worst part was the fact that she was the one who'd sacrificed. Sarah Walker, the most amazing woman Chuck had ever had the pleasure of knowing, had sacrificed for the cause. The entire mission had been a steaming pile of fubar, but it was a success. Chuck and Casey had stood at the bar, Casey serving drinks while Chuck listened in on Sarah's degrading assignment. Cole Barker, decorated agent of MI6, had been the target, though they hadn't known of his identity at the time, they'd learn that in the weeks that followed. Sarah had been ordered to retrieve the data stored in his belt buckle by any means necessary. In the end, that meant taking Barker up to his room and fucking him senseless for several hours.
From the sound of things, Sarah had enjoyed herself, which was fine. Chuck had spotted a gaggle of Fulcrum agents heading towards the elevator. Casey had taken off to get them, Chuck making sure to warn him about the woman. Casey had killed all three of them before they got off the elevator. Chuck didn't want to know details about that part. Either way, Sarah hadn't been interrupted and had spent the night with Barker, the two of them obviously enjoying themselves. That night, around four, Sarah had come down into the hotel lounge, the place obviously closed. Chuck had stayed, wanting to make sure she was okay. They'd locked eyes, both of them knowing that Chuck could see the glow in her features, signs of a well-fucked woman. Sarah had left without him, taking a cab to maintain her cover. Chuck caught a ride with Casey, who'd been waiting in the van after his bar shift ended. Neither Chuck or Casey said a word, Casey obviously recognizing that Chuck wasn't in a good place. As considerate as it was, Casey's words about it meaning nothing and just being part of the job, hadn't helped. Casey's understanding was well-meaning, but did nothing to help Chuck forget about the sound of her orgasmic cries for another man.
As they'd gone home, Chuck had hopped out before the apartment complex came into view. Casey had tried to protest, but one look from Chuck had stopped him. Chuck couldn't remember what he'd mumbled to the NSA agent, but Casey had let him be for a change. That was how Chuck found himself on the beach. Cabs were pretty cheap this time of night, so a trip to the drug store and then the beach hadn't cost Chuck nearly as much as he had expected it to. The paper bag around the bottle of cheap whiskey wasn't the most subtle thing in the world, but Chuck was beyond such propriety at this point. He knew she was out there somewhere, watching him, he didn't care. As far as Sarah Walker was concerned, Chuck hoped she stayed away, just this once. The sun was going to be coming up before too long, which meant Sarah would come and get him; take him back home so he could sober up. She was so nice, but she made him hurt so bad. Chuck had no idea love could make him feel this way, this was so much worse than Stanford. Jill wasn't nearly as special as Sarah, especially now that it had been revealed that she worked for fucking Fulcrum. What she'd done at Stanford had been cruel and had hurt him for years. What had just happened was so much worse and Chuck understood he had no right to feel as he did.
The sound of footsteps behind him told him it was that time. Wanting to prevent any conversation, Chuck stood up and spun to face her. He could see the concern in her eyes and it actually angered him. She did nothing wrong and yet she felt bad about it because of him, ugh! Chuck merely handed Sarah his half-consumed bottle of whiskey and walked off the beach, knowing exactly where she parked her Porsche. He could feel her eyes on him and he wished she'd stop. Why couldn't she just let him wallow? Regardless of his feelings for Sarah Walker, he knew that she had a job to do and he'd been a fool to think she'd choose his feelings over the job. They weren't together, she had no duty to be faithful to him. The drive back to his apartment had been quiet. Sarah hadn't said a word; Chuck lacking the desire for such conversations all together. When they'd arrived at the apartment he shared with his sister, he'd quietly snuck into his room through the window, hoping desperately to avoid conversations with his sister. After he'd stepped into his room, he'd heard Sarah say something, but he'd ignored her and flumped down onto his bed.
In the weeks that followed, there had been other missions, victories and defeats, though none of it affected him. The numbness had been something he'd grown somewhat used to since this entire ordeal had begun. These days the numbness was the norm. Life lacked the meaning it used to have. Time with Morgan lacked the appeal it had in days gone by. Conversations with his sister were a chore that he tried to avoid. Missions were the highlight, because at least he was useful as a walking computer, a skinjob as Lester would no doubt call him. The next seduction mission came two months after the Barker mission. They'd all tippytoed around him about it, even fucking Beckman had seemed conscious of his presence in the briefing. All of it pissed him off, it was a job, why were they making such a big deal of it? Sarah's insistence that Chuck be left out of this one, that he take the night off, had shocked him. Chuck had protested that she may need him, but Casey and Beckman had assured him that it was okay.
Spending the night in his bedroom, alone with nothing to occupy his mind but thoughts of Sarah and another man, had haunted him. Deep into the late hours of the night, he could do nothing but think of that hunky guy that he just knew was ravaging the woman he loved. He could see it, her calling his name as she came again and again, it was all so vivid in his mind after the Cole Barker episode. Now that he knew how she sounded in bed, his jealous thoughts were especially cruel. He didn't cry, he didn't weep, he just laid there numbly and tortured himself until the sun came up.
The briefing the next morning in Castle had been awkward. Sarah had been bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, as if the night's events had been just the thing to reinvigorate her. Chuck didn't remember what was talked about. After they'd begun the tippy-toe routine again, he'd tuned them all out and left when dismissed. He knew they were worried, which pissed him off. His feelings and opinions didn't matter if the Intersect wasn't involved. Days turned into weeks, turned into months. Things seemed stagnant now, lacking motion… Chuck didn't mind. He knew his sister was worried about him; everyone was. His numbness made sure they all gave him space, none of them wanting to kick the hornet's nest that his emotions had seemingly become, bottled up deep inside him.
When Sarah had come to his place, talking about packing a bag for a week, Chuck had numbly done as told. He knew his handler was busy giving his sister some story to explain the trip, he didn't listen. The drive out of town was silent between them. He'd been instructed to leave his phone and watch, Casey telling him that the two of them would return in a week and that Casey and Beckman would take care of it. Their care and concern was nauseating if only because he knew it was so forced. As LA became Bakersfield, then Modesto, then Sacramento, Chuck had no idea where Sarah was taking him. With his luck, she was taking him to meet her next mark, so he could wait in the living room for her to be done. Eventually, signs for Lake Tahoe came into view, the beautiful forests and mountains would have awed him only a few months ago, now days it was lost on him.
Eventually, the eight-hour drive ended in front of a small cabin overlooking the lake. The place was old, rustic in a good way, with red paint over the wood that made up the outside of the cabin's walls. The place looked like one of those old 1960s cabins that came as a kit from the Sears and Roebuck catalogue. The two of them had quickly unpacked, the cabin only having a single bedroom with a lone double bed. The place was cozy, intimate, the perfect atmosphere for a romantic getaway. After they'd unpacked, Chuck had left the cabin, taking a seat in one of the rocking chairs that looked out, off the front porch and towards the massive lakeside vista that greeted him, it was beautiful. Chuck sat there for hours, silent, alone. He knew Sarah had taken him to this place for a reason, but until she broached the subject, Chuck had nothing to say, nothing constructive at least.
The drive had taken eight hours, so it was already dusk by the time they'd arrived. All the same, he sat out there under the stars. When sleep beckoned, Chuck stood from his chair and stumbled inside, finding the couch and falling down into it. The couch was small and uncomfortable, but it beat sharing a small bed with Sarah Walker. Sometime in the morning while Chuck was half asleep, he heard something next to him, but kept his eyes shut.
"I don't know why you're hurting so much, but I want to help you, Chuck," came an emotional voice that Chuck would never mistake. He could hear the tears, hear the emotion and it made him hate himself even more. After she'd walked away, he'd taken a few moments to regain his emotional center before rising to start the day. Three days passed like this, avoiding her, avoiding the conversation, avoiding the pent-up emotions. On the fourth day as Chuck made for the couch, she'd grabbed his hand to stop him.
"Chuck," she said quietly, her voice grabbing his heart. For the first time since they'd arrived, he turned to her and actually met her eyes. For the first time in who knows how long, he actually saw her, and she him. Chuck saw hurt, fear, confusion, but mostly he saw love.
"Please come to bed," she said almost pleadingly. As her words penetrated his heart, he knew his answer all too well.
"I can't," he said back, looking away. He went to go to the couch, but she wouldn't let him go.
"No, look at me," she said more forcefully as she spun him around to look at her. As he looked back up at her, the tears finally came to the surface. He saw the recognition in her eyes.
"I can't do this, Sarah," he croaked as he tried to keep a lid on the emotions, he knew he had no right to feel considering what they were. He saw her swallow her own emotion and take a half-step closer to him. The scent of her was intoxicating, a pleasureful dagger to the heart.
"Talk to me, let me help you," she begged, obviously desperate to get through to him. Chuck didn't know what to do, he was so close to losing it, so close to losing the grip he'd so carefully crafted over the last several months since that night.
"It's not fair, just let me be, Sarah," Chuck said, trying to escape, avoid, anything but what he knew was coming. Sarah's tears finally fell as her charge continued to shut her out. Sarah shook her head no, her hands reaching up to capture his head, forcing him to look into her eyes. The feeling of her hands on the back of his neck was so good, it almost made him crack.
"What isn't fair? Talk to me, let me help you." She said again as she forced him to look at her, forced him to face her affection. For so long he'd pined for her affection and now that she was giving it to him, he resented it. Chuck shook his head no as the tears welled up in his eyes.
"Chuck, you're hurting and I don't know why. You used to be so fun and happy, but you're just so… numb these days. Please don't shut me out, please let me help you." By now she was crying, the tears streaking down her cheeks like burning hot fire. As he looked into her eyes, he saw love, love he'd felt for her for over a year, but hadn't gotten in return.
As his lip began to tremble, he spoke softly. "You slept with someone else." Sarah's head pulled back in slight shock as he began talking. She could see his eyes looking past her as the words came out in a flood. "I have no right to you, we're not together. Yet I can't get it out of my head, hearing you with him for hours." As Sarah heard his words, her heart broke, but he continued.
"I've wanted you to want me for so long. I loved you for so long, but it was always a one-way street. I feel possessive of you and I have no right to. You don't belong to me, you're your own person, free to do as you like. Yet I still feel so jealous of them! That second time I didn't sleep, my mind showing me what was happening, what I knew was happening. You slept with them and enjoyed it, and I hate it, but that's not fair, is it? I have no right to feel this way and I hate myself for it, you're just my handler, yet it hurt so bad listening to you with Barker." As he continued, he missed the crushed look in her eyes, his own mind lost in the outpour of pent-up emotion.
"You all acted so concerned the second time and I hated it. I felt like a cuckold, like you were all aware of me and felt the need to shield me from it. We're a team, a team supports each other. At the first opportunity for me to step up and support you, I got jealous and selfish. It all hurt so badly, yet it shouldn't, I have no right, no right-" Sarah's lips crashing into his cut him off. He could feel her tears against his cheeks as the kiss lasted for a few seconds longer. When she pulled back, he saw the heartbreak in her eyes. He went to speak, but she shook her head.
"Don't you dare apologize for how you feel. It wasn't fair to make you listen to me that first time. I hated that you were listening to me, I hated every minute of it." As she trailed off, looking away in shame, he could see the walls crumbling inside her.
"I also hate that I enjoyed it so much," her words hurt him, but she didn't stop. "I have needs, it had been a while, you know? At the time, I thought of it as a chance to take care of that itch and defeat Fulcrum at the same time. When we started getting into it, I felt so guilty about how good it felt." Chuck couldn't look away as her own flood of emotion poured out into the small cabin.
"You were down there in the bar listening when I wanted it to be you I was sharing the bed with." Chuck's eyes met hers and she merely nodded. "I thought of you, the entire time, Chuck. I imagined it was you I was having sex with, because it was all I've wanted for so long. When it was over and he fell asleep, I felt like a dirty tramp, a lying, cheating slut. Whether we were together or not, I'd cheated on you and I hated that. The worst part was seeing the hurt in your eyes in that lounge. You looked so humiliated, but I couldn't do a damn thing about it." Now Chuck really hated himself, he should have been there for her, he was her partner in all this.
"Stop that!" Sarah yelled at the Nerd Herder who'd become lost in his own head. "It wasn't your job to blindly support me that night. It was shitty of Beckman to order you to listen in on me. It was awful of her to put you in that situation. She knew how you felt and she made you choose your feelings or the mission. She made you feel bad that you were jealous, when any sane person would be beyond pissed if their girlfriend was cheating." Sarah's fiery eyes shocked Chuck, but he had to speak.
"But that's just it, we aren't together, Sarah! You've made it clear that it's just a cover. I have no right to be jealous of a grown, single woman, who has the right to make her own choices. The right thing to do was support you, to help you get through it, no matter my feelings." Sarah shook her head as Chuck spoke.
"Our cover is the closest thing to a real relationship I've ever had. I was required to say those things to you in front of the cameras, it's my job, Chuck. Even though I am not allowed to feel for you as strongly as I do, that doesn't mean I don't care, Chuck. I've never cared about someone as much as I care for you and I hated having to turn you down. I hated hurting you, disappointing you over and over, I hated it! I consider our cover to be as real as real can be, which means being faithful. I hated that night, I hated it, because it so obviously hurt you. I hated seeing you so depressed and not being able to do a damn thing about it." As Sarah continued her rant, Chuck couldn't believe the words she was saying, was she being serious when she said she cared?
"I didn't think my feelings were requited," Chuck said softly, stopping Sarah in her tracks. Refocusing on the man before her, she saw him about to crumble.
"Of course I care, Chuck; I love you." She saw it, the last pieces of that wall around his heart crumble to dust. For months, he'd withdrawn from everyone, denied himself love from everyone, sank into a bottomless pit of depression. Reaching out a tender hand, she caressed his cheek, tear-stained as it was.
"I love you, Chuck." In that moment, any remaining composure that Chuck possessed, vanished like a vapor in the wind. The feeling of her arms around his body was all he could perceive as he fell to pieces. Chuck wasn't a crier, never had been. In that moment, after so many months of feeling numb, Chuck allowed himself to be hurt in front of the woman he loved. For long moments, Chuck wailed in her arms, sobbing until there was nothing left of his shattered heart.
CHARMING'S AUTHORS NOTE #4: Buckle up everyone, this one's gonna be a journey! This story is one that I didn't know I needed to tell when I began, but having finished it, I needed to prove to myself that I can write M fics that aren't simply smut for the sake of smut. I hope all of you give this one a chance, because I love where this story goes before the ending. I plan to release chapters of this story on Tuesdays, so keep an eye out over the next several weeks for new chapters!
CHARMING'S AUTHORS NOTE #5: So, what did you think of chapter one? Liked it? Hated it? Let me know by leaving a review! Any feedback (no flames pls) helps me adjust and improve as an author. More than that, I just absolutely love reading your thoughts, it truly makes my day.
Until Next Time :D