Note: Some of Shar's stories are going to be recyclings of ideas that would've gone into Tales For Only The Bravest Little Toasters, had that story not failed.
Shar's writing is in italics, while Elmo St. Peters's narration will be plain text.
Disclaimer: Shar doesn't know that nonbinary humans are a real thing. Neither does Elmo St. Peters.
Also: Be prepared for irony.

I place the cardboard box down on my nightside table, next to the lamp.
I open it up and grab and unfold the topmost piece of paper.

The Metal Warper
By Shar Lee Love, the pencil sharpener
Maybe if I read this I can understand what this "pencil sharpener" thing is about…

In the City of Light, there lived a most unusual Human: Lance Marokv.
Why did it have to specify that he's human? Also, "the City of Light"? Don't you mean Light City?

For no reason that anyone, man or machine, could understand, Lance had… a distinctly appliancelike nature.
"Man or machine"? "Appliance-like nature"? What the?
Does this appliance thing have anything to do with that "the pencil sharpener" thingy?

Of course, Lance's appliances all followed the Second Rule, so 'e had no way of knowing of the similarity in nature. All 'e knew was that 'e was different from h' classmates, h' parents, every human 'e'd ever met.
"Second Rule"? Why are his appliances doing something? Is this one of those weird kids stories where some kind of objects are all secretly alive?
Also, " 'E"? "H' "? Can "Shar" just not write pronouns?

Most of h' classmates could tell that 'e was strange, though they could never figure out exactly what they found different about h'.
Still, they bullied h' all the same. Humans (and, to be fair, appliances too) have a tendency to "attack" anyone different enough from the norm. And nowhere is that tendency more apparent than in schoolchildren.
Oh, yes… they do…
Don't remind me…
(It also did not help that Lance was rather unathletic and weak, and had a tendency to try and do things in the most complex way possible.)
Students would trip up Lance, tear up h' papers, steal h' books, and hurl all manner of vicious insults at h'. Teachers would never do a thing about it, because the actions happened in places where teachers don't see: In the hallways between classes, in the lunchroom, in the library, in the gym's locker rooms, outside the school on the "bus loading platform"; and most teachers have a tendency to disbelieve any report of trouble they cannot confirm simply by looking up.
So true, unfortunately…
Oh, poor Lance. I feel you, kid. I feel you…
(There was in fact one instructor, one of the two gym teachers, who did believe Lance's reports. Unfortunately, the principal of the school ignored her when she tried to relay h' reports, and she was unable to stop the actions in the locker rooms because she was female, and Lance had to use the boy's locker room).

While nearly all of the student body had taken a shot at Lance at one point or another, there were six that would go out of their way, day after day, to make h' life miserable.
They were Clarrissa Henderson (the leader of the cheerleading team, and most athletic girl in school), Tyler Varhez (the most athletic boy in the school), Theodore Williams (his father was the principal and his mother was the school secretary, which meant that he would never get in trouble for anything), Tiffany Jacobson (the most popular student), Violet Lee (the smartest kid in the school) and Marcus Janesen (who won all the awards).
Oh… Just like Dan, and James, and Terrance, and Lynn…

Lance tumbled through the window, into the darkened room.
Ooh, looks like the action is starting!
Tiffany had accidentally left her textbook behind, she had told h' and if 'e retrieved it she might consider leaving him alone for a week or two.
Lance really didn't believe that she would, but 'e knew that she could make h' life even worse than it already was if 'e refused to comply.
"How did she leave it in the Wood Shop room?" he thought. "I don't think she even takes this class… "
The room was almost pitch-black, and Lance had forgotten to bring a flashlight. The only area 'e could see properly was one table, illuminated by a ray of moonlight coming in through the open window. Lying on that table was a tool 'e didn't recognize, one that looked sort of like a drill without a bit.
Then Lance noticed, under that table, the corner of a textbook just peeking into the beam of light.
"E walked over and bent down…

A horrible sound filled the air as the nail gun discharged, its muzzle pointed straight at Lance's head.
EEE!
One nail pierced through the side of h' eye. Another went straight into h' ear. The rest simply embedded themselves in h' skull. Lance had ten nails in h' head when 'e collapsed into the ground.
EEEGAAH!
Nails (that was the power tool's name) let out a silent scream.
Wha?! Way to kill the mood with more living object stuff…

Tiffany, who had been standing in the shadows holding a Camcorder, gasped. The nail gun had been rigged to scare Lance, not to kill him!
Then her horrible mind started to rationalize. "It was Lance's own fault that he died", she thought (she did not know of Lance's "nature", nor would she believe it if she was told),-
Wait, so the "appliancelike nature" has to do with the broken pronouns?
-"he was the one who decided to go over there and look under the table. If he'd been smart enough to bring a flashlight, he would've seen 'my textbook' on the table over here." (She did not know of the second textbook, under the table.) "He should've recognized the device, and known how dangerous it was to stand with his head right next to it."
A small part of Tiffany's mind -her conscience, perhaps- steamed that it was all her fault, she was the one who'd made Lance come here, that she had been horrible to him since almost the day she'd met him, and WHY WASN'T SHE SAD THAT A CLASSMATE OF HERS WAS DEAD?!
Yes! Exactly!
"Oh, I should've predicted that Lance would've done something stupid… I just had no way of knowing that he'd DIE of stupidity!" was what she thought in response.
Tiffany, you b-

Lance lay on the floor, in too much pain to even scream.
Wait, he's not dead?!
Through h' one working eye, 'e saw Tiffany step over to h.

Tiffany switched off the nail gun and disconnected it from the wire that had switched it on. She bent down over Lance.
For a second, she thought the heads of the nails were expanding. Then she realized that the flesh around them was slowly turning into metal.
Wha?!
Tiffany took a step back and watched in horror as the transformation spread.
Nails moved over slightly in order to see what was happening, but jerked back in horror.
This "living object" stuff is really sucking the seriousness out of the story…
If this is supposed to be some sort of really dark and creepy parody of kids' stories… the writer should've explained the living objects at the beginning. And done a better job of integrating them into the plot.

It took a little over a minute for Lance to become fully metal. When the transformation had finished…
'E got to h' feet?
What? Oh no…
"Wha?!" Tiffany shouted.
Nails would've done the same if not for the Second Rule.
Huh? Wait… is the Second Rule that the living objects aren't supposed to reveal that they're alive, just like in every other object story?
And what's the First Rule?

Lance turned towards Tiffany. She screamed and ran, dropping her video camera.
The next day at school, Lance showed up as if nothing had happened the previous night.
Please tell me it wasn't all just Tiffany's nightmare… I hate stories like that.
For a second, Tiffany breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe it had all been a nightmare?
Was "Shar" a prophet or something?!
Lance spotted her -and shot her an expression that turned her blood to ice. (Not literally, of course. 'E didn't have the power to do that.)
So, what powers does " 'e" have?

Tiffany headed down to the Wood Shop room to retrieve her camcorder. She cleverly evaded the teacher's questions on how, exactly, her camera had gotten there; and was soon watching her recording on the camcorder's tiny video screen.
I want to hear the dialogue for that…

After she'd fled, Metal Lance had looked up and down h'self, flexed h' fingers, then turned away from the camera and done… something. Then 'e seemed to concentrate, and the nalis just… popped out of h' head, with more metal filling in the holes where they had been.
Then the metal boy walked out of the camera's view. Less than a second after that, the footage ended.
What, did the camcorder just turn itself off? Ha!

Later, when she was outside for "recess" (the junior high students didn't have proper recess, but they did get to go outside for a bit during lunchtime once they'd finished eating, assuming the weather permitted),-
I remember that…
-Tiffany noticed something gleaming on the ground. She bent down to examine it, and saw that it was a perfect metal replica of a mosquito. As she watched, the iron insect flapped its wings in a futile attempt to fly.
Weird… Is something going around turning random things to metal?
Tiffany stood back up and slammed her shoe down on the metallic mosquito, but that didn't seem to damage it.
Just like that time my friend Hank tried to crush a Monopoly piece under his shoe. I'm not sure about how they make them now, but back in the day they were pretty indestructible.

She stamped it harder, and this time its thin limbs snapped off. Then she just… walked away, trying to forget the metal bug. Trying to push all the fears out of her mind.
Now seriously…

The day after the "bug incident", Lance wasn't at school. Nor was 'e there the day after that. Tiffany heard from Jess that her victim had been reported missing. (Jess had heard that from Donald, Donald had heard it from Kim, Kim had heard it from Theo, and Theo had heard it from his mother.)
Ah, the rumor mill…
Also, what happened to Lance?

In the process of experimenting with h' metal powers, Lance had discovered The Secret. And had to have everything about how appliances lived explained to h': The Two Rules, "default knowledge", hiding faces, even the fact that appliances did not have genders.
That did not really answer my question…
Ooh, so he has metal powers…
Also, 1. I know the 2nd Rule, so what's the First? 2. "Default knowledge"? "Hiding faces"?
So it's just machines that are inexplicably alive in this? And they don't have genders? So that's what's going on with the pronouns…
Also, so Lance has an "appliancelike nature"? Does that mean Lance doesn't have a gender either? What will the writer think of next!
The way these are listed gives the impression that the reader is supposed to know what everything means already. Is this a sequel, and it's all explained in the first story?
Eh, I'm just going to finish reading this…
I should be looking in the box for the prequel, but I don't want to get out of my nice warm bed…

For a few more days, nothing else happened to Tiffany. She did her best to live her life and ignore her fear that Lance would be coming back, seeking vengeance against her.
So we return to the Villain Main Character after another irrelevant appliance part…
She dreaded sleeping, for all of her dreams were now of Metal Statue Lance hunting her down, chasing her through a maze that superficially resembled a school building.

One day, a little over a week after the Nail Gun Incident, Tiffany's mother brought home a percolator that she had purchased at a yard sale… a yard sale that had been at Lance's house.
In fact, her mother informed her, she hadn't purchased it at all.
So she stole it?
She had found the percolator, noticed that it didn't have a price tag, and took it over to Lance's parents, who stated that they didn't know where it had come from, since they for some reason didn't like coffee and thus had no need for a coffee-making appliance. They'd let Tiffany's mother have it for free.
Oh.
Where the heck did the percolator come from, then?

At first, Tiffany didn't want anything to do with this device, but one taste of the coffee from it made her forget all of her fears. It was so delightful, the way it just filled her with a feeling of power, the way it made her insides tingle… she'd tasted coffee before, but nothing like this.
That's suspicious…

Over the next week or so, it seemed like nothing else was happening. Tiffany went to school, hung out with her friends, and did her best to forget about Lance and find another kid to target. While she did experience the occasional head- and body-ache, she thought nothing of it.
The calm before the storm.

Then, one night, as Tiffany was lying in bed unable to sleep (she'd had too much of that wonderful coffee), she heard her bedroom door creak open.
Uh-oh.
"Huh?" She sat up, and looked towards the doorway. She couldn't see anything that could've opened it. "I-is someone there?"
No response.
"M-maybe it w-was just air pressure?" she thought aloud, trying to reassure herself.
For a few minutes, Tiffany lay still. She seemed to hear metallic noises, but were they real or just a figment produced by her fear-filled mind?
I'm betting real.

Then she felt a piece of ice-cold metal brush her foot.
She jerked upright, yanking her legs back. She tried to scream, but it seemed to catch in her throat.
"Hello, Tiffany." said a voice that sounded very much like Lance's, but was somehow… different.
"W-w-who are you?! W-what do you want?! H-how do you know my name?!"
"What? Don't you recognize me?" the voice said with a cold chuckle.
"I-i-i c-can't even see you…"
"Look down."
Tiffany obeyed… and led out a yelp of surprise.

Standing on her bed was the percolator her mother had bought, but h' face was now on full display-
So this has something to do with the "hiding faces" thing? You know, it'd be GREAT if that was actually explained to me at some point.
-for her to see: The single eye, which had a bloodshot appearance, and the mouth that looked like a jagged crack and stretched almost halfway around the machine's circumference.
Floating next to it, one on each side, were a pair of forks that seemed to be makeshift arms.
So this evil percolator (now that's an adjective-noun pairing I never thought I'd make) looks like my Halloween decoration?

"H-how…?"
Then she let out a laugh. For all her fears, all her anxiety, it was not some indestructible metal statue that had come for her, but something as simple, as commonplace, as a percolator.
"I should have known" the appliance responded, "that you would just laugh at me. That's all you do, isn't it? 'Guys, look at what Lance Markov is doing now! 'E made a trivial mistake, isn't that just hilarious!'"
Huh? So is the percolator…

Tiffany's bedroom appliances, her desk lamp and bedside lamp and alarm clock and ceiling fan, were watching as the percolator broke the Second Rule, and wondered what would drive the appliance to threaten their Mistress.
Another random appliance interlude.

"And everyone listens to you, and laughs with you, because you're 'the hot one'. Boys wouldn't dare ignore someone as pretty as you, because that might ruin their chances of being your boyfriend. And other girls obey you too, because that's what all the boys are doing.-
The percolator sounds jealous…
-And you're just so dang popular that you can just get away with attempted murder! If any other kid had been shot by your nail trap, they would've just died, or had to live out the rest of their lives with a horribly injured brain. I managed to live, but only because of my powers, which even I knew nothing about until they activated to save my life!"
So Lance used his great metal manipulation powers to… turn into a percolator? Well, it did say that 'e had a tendency to do things in "the most complicated way possible"...
Tiffany tried to interrupt, but the words just seem to catch in her throat.
"You never get in trouble, ever, because of how darn attractive you are! You got to abuse me, make my life absolute HELL, and you probably found a new kid to abuse once I… left!"

The only thing Tiffany's mind could come up with as a response was "Are you jealous of me?"
Lance stared for a second. "No. For heaven's sake, Tiffany, I'm not one of those crazy ACs… what was that brand again? I'm not going to just explode because you call me jealous!-
Is this supposed to be a reference to that one brand of ACs that have a tendency to short circuit… dramatically when no one's around? I sell a lot of parts for those…
-And stop changing the topic! You, so pretty on the outside that you can nearly literally get away with murder… But you wanna know what you look like on the inside?!"
The pair of floating forks began to shift, morphing into jagged blades. Lance raised them-
Oh no

"No!" Tiffany's desk lamp shouted. 'E leapt towards Lance, who simply turned and raised one blade like a hand.
The desk lamp stopped in midair, before being flung back to the desk; where 'e landed in a heap, unable to move.
Lance turned back to Tiffany.
"Now…"
'E brought h' blades down on her legs. The skin ripped like paper-
EEEEEGGGH!
-, revealing beneath not muscle and sinew but a cylindrical cluster of metallic garbage: Bicycle spokes and gears, tin cans and their lids, small pipes, and unidentifiable scraps.
Wha-?! Gyahhhh
Tiffany tried to scream, but her throat still would not respond.
The rips in her skin -which had become more like dry, crinkly paper, really- spread upwards as her body collapsed into garbage. Her chest tore open, revealing a sofa spring where her heart should've been. Needles, ball bearings, and pieces of "steel wool" spilled out as her head collapsed.
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Lance's blades turned back into forks.
Is it over? Please please please tell me it's over…
'E snapped h' "fingers" and Tiffany's still-staring eyeballs turned into just two more ball bearings, which kept right on swiveling around in terror.
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! IT'S NOT OVER! IT'S NOT OVER!
Then 'e turned towards the room's appliances. "Goodbye".
Please let this time be for real Please let this time be for real Please let this time be for real Please let this time be for real
Lance restored the desk lamp's ability to move before telekinetically grabbing the Tiffany-trash. 'E lifted most of it up into a big clump, but retrieved a large pan lid to stand on. Then 'e hovered the junk out the window, and flew out h'self on h' lid platform.
It's over it's over its over please for real this time please.

Lance had a Violet to pick.
Oh no...
After all, who else but the school engineer would have had the skill to rig that nail gun trap?
Way to ruin the joke…

Am I really sure I want to read the other stories? If they're all like this…

Hey, where'd the box go? It was just on the nightside table…
I move over to the edge of the bed and look down. Maybe the box fell off the table…
Huh?
It's lying sideways against the wall and the papers are half-spilled out.
Did someone chuck it across the room or something! I let out a laugh.

"Hey Quad-!" I start to call, before remembering. Quadruped isn't here anymore…
I miss him…
I hope he can find his way back to me. I remember hearing on the radio this story about a dog who crossed miles of wilderness to return to its owner…
Really, how far could Quadruped have gotten? Mexico? Why hasn't he come back…
Either… no, no, both options are horrible.
No, St. Peters, don't think that.
Don't talk to yourself, either, St. Peters.

The reason the dog journeying home got featured on the radio was because it was unusual. Quadruped isn't unloyal, or d- no, I can't say it- he's just…just not a navigator. He's probably just lost somewhere in the neighborhood… hopefully someone will see the posters and find him…

I scoop up the papers and deposit them back into the box, which I carry back to my bed. Should I read another one tonight, or should I wait?