(Shelby)

I looked at my reflection in the mirror. I was 34 weeks pregnant (counting my oldest daughter's age), it was autumn, but Ohio was already freezing because it was already December. If someone told me that carrying twins was easy, I'd say either they're being ironic or they don't know what they're saying. Pregnant women expecting a single child already complained a lot about back pain and other physical problems. Imagine carrying two children? At 34 weeks, I wasn't an eyesore like some people said I might be. My belly was pretty big, but not out of proportion. At least not yet. But I had back pain, my breasts were huge and tender, my butt grew, my hips were wider, I went to the bathroom every hour, I was feeling tired all the time. Lyanna said that I had gained only four kilos, already disregarding the weight of the girls and all the equipment that involves a pregnancy. She said it would be easy for me to get back to my old shape, because I was still very young. I just didn't have stretch marks on my belly because my skin has good elasticity and because I slathered it with moisturizing cream.

The intercom in my apartment rang. I unlocked the gatehouse and opened the front door. My bags were in the corner of the room already waiting for them. Hiram and Juan went up to my small apartment.

"Hey." Juan said as if he had been holding back. He acted like that with me whenever we met, as if he was afraid to get close again. "Everything is ready?"

"Yes, those bags are over there in the corner."

Juan nodded and took two of my bags and left the apartment, leaving me alone with Hiram.

"This is crazy." I grumbled.

"It's crazy that you're alone here, Shelby. Lyanna was very clear when she said you have to stay in bed and rest."

"I could still fend for myself."

"Don't think that this situation is pleasant for me. It's not the best of all worlds having you under the same roof as Juan. I only accepted that you came to live with us in this final stretch of pregnancy for the sake of my daughters."

"You're adorable too, Hiram. A ray of sunshine." I said wryly and rolled my eyes.

As I was 34 weeks pregnant, taking hormones to mature the girls' lungs faster, and being able to go into labor at any time, I definitely couldn't be alone. They couldn't afford anyone to help me, and I didn't have any friends I trusted enough to delegate that responsibility to. Neither do they. Juan suggested that I go to Lima, as that was where his family lived and he could provide me with all the logistics and assistance. I declined because it didn't make any sense. Another suggestion was to call my mother to spend those weeks with me, but the problem was my father. If my mother came to Cleveland, my father would be able to kill her before she got on the bus. Imagine if he would allow my mother to help "the prostitute who got pregnant in exchange for money." That's what he said to me. I once cared for my father's insults. Today no more.

So that's how I ended up accepting help from Hiram and Juan, to live with them until the birth.

Hiram helped me to the car, while Juan made runs to get my things. Their apartment was surprisingly close to mine. Juan parked in the building's residents' private garage and wasted no time unloading the car, while Hiram helped me.

When I got into their apartment, and it was the first time I was there, I wasn't surprised by the decor. It was all very minimalist and masculine. The most that could be seen was some vases of herbs that were near the kitchen window. Well, I knew Hiram was a botanist and a vegetarian, so it was only natural that his house would have at least some kind of plant.

"This is your room." Hiram put me in a room that had a few things piled in the corner, a two-door wardrobe, and a single bed. I sat on the bed, and the mattress was a good quality one: firm and springy. "The bed is new, and so is the mattress. We bought it for you to have the best possible comfort." Hiram explained as Juan continued to pace back and forth, bringing my things into the apartment.

I frowned. There was something wrong with that apartment.

"Shouldn't there be a nursery here?"

"It should, but Juan and I decided not to live here when the kids are born."

"Why not?"

"We're going to move out of this apartment... when the girls arrive, we're going to move to my parents' house, where my mother will be able to help with the girls for at least the first two months. Then we will move to a more child-friendly apartment." Hiram said curtly.

"Well… they're twins. You will need all the help you can get."

"Yes, we will need it. Do you want to tour the apartment?"

"Sure."

"That's my and Juan's room. The bathroom is quite spacious and we have reserved a shelf space for your things. The food is in that cupboard. The cleaning supplies in that other one. I'm a vegetarian and I usually make vegetarian recipes with rare exceptions. I know you're carnivorous like Juan, but we have a rule in this apartment: we don't cook meat in here because I hate that smell, and it permeates the whole house. It's horrible. So Juan, when he wants to eat meat, he either orders it from a restaurant, or he eats it at the restaurant itself."

At that time, Juan arrived at the apartment with the last batch of my things.

"Aren't there even eggs here? Not even milk?" I started to get discouraged. I liked to eat scrambled eggs for breakfast.

"We have eggs." Juan responded promptly. "But Hiram won't let me fry them in butter. Soybean oil only."

"Why?"

"Because of the smell." They responded at the same time. Hiram opened a smile and Juan made a bored expression.

That would be torture. Lyanna said that my pregnancy was unlikely to last beyond 36 weeks, but that any longer we could hold these two girls inside me would be better for them. That's why I had to rest for as long as I could, since physical exertion, in my condition, could trigger contractions. Hiram helped me most of the time, while Juan remained trapped inside the room, as if it were an order that he stay as far away from me as possible. Anyway, at night Juan prepared a delicious dinner, Portuguese soup and toast, which Hiram didn't eat because it had pepperoni.

I drank the soup while the new show called Friends was on, which was the TV show everyone was talking about these days. One where an actress named Jennifer Aniston, who played a rich girl named Rachel, and who had an interesting haircut, to say the least.

"I think she's divine." Hiram said as we watched the episode.

"It's a nice little show." Juan said with a certain indifference.

"It's a great tv show. Better than that E.R." Hiram snapped.

"E.R is interesting because it's the first doctor show that comes close to reality." Juan argued.

"Of these new tv shows, I like Friends." I continued to drink my soup, making my belly a table. "The one with the teenage girl is cool too… what's her name again? My so called life."

"Oh..." Hiram made a bored face. "I can't stand these teenage shows. There's the one... of Brenda and Bradon..."

"Bervely Hills, 90210." I replied to Hiram.

"That one. Completely out of touch with reality."

"That's why I like My so called life, because I can relate to it. And the girl, Clarie Danes, you can bet she's going to rock in the future. I know a good actress when I see one."

For a moment, we chatted as if nothing unusual had happened between us, as if we were three good friends. Would things have always been like this if Juan hadn't been bisexual and we hadn't gotten involved. Because Hiram could be a great friend of mine. He and I had a lot of common interests, even if they were superficial things like TV shows and favorite songs. I would have liked to be his friend. Unfortunately it wasn't possible to go back. I could never go back, because there was a specific little girl inside me that I loved without even knowing her. There were two little girls, however reluctant I was to love the second one.

"Tomorrow I'll have to wake up early..." Juan grumbled and went to the bedroom, leaving Hiram and me alone once more.

"I think I'll go to bed too." Hiram collected my plate and then helped me up from the couch. "What will tomorrow be like?" I asked.

"I'll have to work all day tomorrow, but don't worry because I asked our neighbor to keep an eye out. Madam Matsuda knows you are here and about your conditions. It's possible that she comes here to introduce herself and even offer you a Japanese cookie that she makes that is delicious."

"Thanks."

Hiram looked like he wanted to say something else, but he gave up and I simply walked to the room they made for me. The time was coming, and even though I knew I wouldn't stay with them, that there wasn't the slightest possibility of that, I was looking forward to meeting them, even if it was just for a few minutes.

...

(Juan)

I woke up to the sound of the alarm. I got out of bed with Hiram still sleeping and went to do my morning routine. Bathroom, push-ups, sit-ups, put on my jogging clothes, go downstairs and run for at least half an hour. Running in the cold made me less tired, but I had to wear a mask over my face to withstand the icy wind. There were some morning joggers on the circuit that I used to do. There was Maddie, who liked to run in marathons, and there was Ruddy, who was a cop and used the mornings to stay in shape. Not that they were my friends, but they were familiar faces that I greeted and exchanged a few words with whenever we crossed paths.

I went back to my apartment and saw Hiram already on his feet. He was going to work that morning. Shelby was still lying down, judging by the closed door of her room. I was feeling like shit having her around, because Hiram was watching us like a hawk, and I felt like a drag. I hated not being able to be myself inside my own home. What did it mean to be myself? Being able to do the things I liked, being able to go shirtless, having the freedom to move around and do whatever I wanted. But with Shelby there, I dreaded even being alone with her without Hiram around. So I got dressed and left with Hiram and went to the hospital even at my days off.

So I had a sort of meltdown outside the door to my workplace. I asked myself why I was there when I could be perfectly at home, studying, enjoying my music, or even doing housework? Why was I diminishing myself like that? If I wanted to preserve my marriage, let it be like Juan Lopez and not a shadow of him. So I turned around, got into the bus again and in 30 minutes I was back at my place.

"Hey." I found Shelby already awake trying to make her own breakfast.

"Weren't you going to work?"

"I don't have to work today."

"Really?"

"It was an agreement between me and Hiram that make me feel extraordinarily stupid." From the look on Shelby's face, I didn't need to explain.

"If we really wanted to, do you think Hiram or my condition would stop us?" She told me almost challenging me.

"I won't play this game, Shelby." I sighed. "I really want to save my marriage because, let's face it, you need to leave. I cannot give up my career as a doctor. Hiram has already given up his career to accompany me, and I have a very serious commitment to him. And if you don't come to New York to be with me..."

"I would stay, Juan. If you asked, if you chose me, I would stay." She said with incredible sincerity, glaring at me.

I couldn't resist. I walked over to Shelby and kissed her. She responded instantly. I was dying to kiss her again, I was dying to hold her. We enjoyed that moment because the truth was that we really liked each other. So I broke the kiss.

"I would, Juan." She repeated with tears in her eyes.

"It would kill us." I spoke sincerely. I was venting at that moment about something I'd been thinking about for nights and nights. "We met at the right and wrong time at the same time."

"How?"

"Because when I saw you for the first time in that play, I fell in love with the singer and the actress. Because when we first spoke, I knew you and I had an instant connection. I know you felt the same. What happened next... it wasn't chance, it wasn't an adventure, it wasn't mere attraction. But I had already made a commitment to Hiram in front of my family, his mother, and our friends. Even if I blew all that up to be with you, the timing was completely wrong, because you would give up your dream to be with me and still raise two kids. You are too young not to chase your dreams, Shelby. You know your time is now. If you don't try conquer Broadway now, then you'll get frustrated and charge me later. It would ruin us."

"You cannot predict the future."

"It's not hard to predict that, Shelby. You need to go to New York as much as I need to stay here and finish my residency."

"Don't you realize that once they're born, by contract we can't see each other for 18 years?"

"I know…" I lifted Shelby's face and kissed her one more time. "If we meet again in 18 years and our chemistry is still alive... maybe this could be the right time."

"Would you dump Hiram?"

"Perhaps. In 18 years I'll be kicking these girls off to some college and my mission would be accomplished. If Hiram and I are still happy and strong together, why would I leave him? But if we aren't so strong together, what sense would it make to insist on this marriage? Today it makes perfect sense to invest in this relationship with him because we have this purpose in life. In 18 years, I don't know. Also, in 18 years you can have your own family, have other children, a husband and be happy. We never know, Shelby."

"I want this." Shelby said seriously.

"What?"

"I want both of them to go to college. I want them to grow up free, without prejudice, without useless chains. At the same time, they should feel the weight of responsibility. You know freedom without responsibility is the mix of the failure, because life sucks, and they should be able to navigate through that. I want you to teach them that."

"I am going to try." I smiled at Shelby and turned my attention back to what she was doing. "Your scrambled eggs don't look very good."

"Scrambled eggs in oil are half as fun as scrambled in butter."

"Hiram isn't here right now."

"But he said…"

"Do you really think I don't grill myself a hamburger when he's not around?"

Shelby laughed and then we made scrambled eggs in butter, with a hint of herbs, which tasted wonderful. We enjoyed breakfast together. I showed not only our vinyl record collection, but I also showed Shelby one of my treasures: my signed Carlos Santana electric guitar when I met him at a concert in Philadelphia. It wasn't a day of passion and desire with Shelby. It was just an ordinary and peaceful day with her. Most important of all, I started to be at peace with myself and my choices. I understood what the universe wanted to tell me: that I should be patient.

...

(Shelby)

I started feeling contractions in the middle of the night, but I was too exhausted to even get up. While these were sparse, I didn't care much. It was the morning of December 18, 1994, and I was in the 37th week of pregnancy. Lyanne said that our goal was to hold it until the 36th week and what came after that was a profit. I prepared myself for this, I took the hormones to make them stronger, I rest, and I kissed Juan every time Hiram wasn't around. Then I felt a really strong contraction that made me moan out loud. In the next minute, Juan and Hiram were at the bedroom door.

"What it was?" They asked half terrified.

"I felt a stronger contraction and I need to go to the bathroom..."

Juan helped me to my feet, but when I took the first few steps, I felt something warm running down my legs.

"I think I peed my pants." I said a little teary, because having contraction pains was really bad.

"This is water." Juan said and supported me. "Your water just broke."

"We need to rush to the hospital!" Hiram was terrified.

"Calm down!" Juan said. "The water has broken, but the contractions are still sparse. What we're going to do is pick up our bags and drive very calmly to the hospital. Believe me, we have time."

It was good to have a doctor in the house at such times. Hiram organized things for us to leave, while Juan helped me get dressed before getting ready himself. I had another contraction, and this was no joke. Legs lose some of their strength, your body naturally leans forward. The suitcase was already packed. It was for the girls, with clothes already washed and clean for when they left the hospital. Hiram and Juan had already bought the car seats for transport. I never got a chance to see the girls' room that was set up in Hiram's parents' house. I didn't even know the address, nor was I willing to go crazy and call every Berry I could find in the Cleveland's phone book. No, I swore to myself that I wouldn't go crazy and look for them. The arrangement was that as soon as I got out of the hospital, my stuff would be in my apartment, and my money in my account. That's what I would do it: go home and buy my one-way ticket to New York with more than 100 thousand dollars in my bank account.

Hiram and Juan got ready quickly. Hiram carried the suitcase and Juan helped me to the car. Halfway through, another contraction, and I howled to the point that one of the boys' neighbors opened the door to find out what was going on. When he saw what it was, he simply wished me luck. Juan drove the car to the hospital, and it had to be him, as he was the most controlled one. Once there, they took care of my hospitalization and I was referred to the obstetrics ward of the hospital. Juan's friends tried to give me extra assistance, which was reassuring.

"Have you called Lyanna yet?" I asked Juan.

"It won't be necessary." Alicia, the doctor who was Juan's best friend, explained it to me. "She will be here in the morning and must deliver your babies. Don't worry. In the meantime, I'd like you to put on that hospital gown. We need to do an emergency ultrasound to find out how the babies are doing."

"Why?"

"Well, we want to know if both children's water broke or if it was just one of them."

"How is this possible?"

"It sometimes happens with twins." Juan tried to reassure me.

"You will stay with me?"

"All the time."

They directed me to the imaging exam room. I saw that my belly was a little deformed, and that impressed me. Alicia checked my dilation, and that was done with a touch exam, which was somewhat embarrassing, and she made a face of disdain.

"It will still take some time. We have no need to trouble Lyanne. I will prepare the ultrasound room for early morning."

"In the meantime, what do we do?" Hiram was more anxious than I was.

"I'm going to do crosswords." Juan said with surreal calm. Could you believe this guy was about to be a father?

By early morning, Lyanne arrived at the hospital. They took me to the ultrasound room and put the gel on my belly just as I was having another contraction. It started to piss me off because I was somewhere between wanting to get it over with and at the same time being scared to death that something was going to go wrong. Lyanne waited for the contraction to pass before starting the exam.

"Interesting." She smiled at me, like she was feeling sorry.

"What it was?" The three of us asked at the same time.

"The oldest little girl has decided to be born, but the youngest little girl is still wrapped up in her bag. The good news is that the older little girl is already perfectly aligned."

"What does that mean? That only one water broke?"

"That we will carry out the delivery normally, but that we will need to induce the second delivery. I'm afraid this will take a little longer for you, Shelby. If it's any consolation, you'll already be fully dilated and that'll make it easier when the other one goes down. The bad news is that we're going to have to do some injections that could trigger stronger cramps than the ones you're experiencing right now. It will take the second little girl to come into the world."

"Come on!" That sweet irony that fate never liked to make things easy for anyone.

Do you know the scenes of women who are giving birth? All the screaming, the grieving families and the rush? In a controlled hospital environment, things seem to lose some of their excitement. Throughout the day I saw Hiram's mother, I had phone conversations with Juan's mother, a nurse gave me fingertips every hour to check my dilation, and we counted the space between my contractions. I couldn't eat anything throughout the day, I drank little water, I received injections for the other water to break, and around eight o'clock at night, when I was already covered in sweat and cursing Juan and Hiram for putting those two punks in my belly, Lyanne took me to the room prepared by the obstetrics team.

In my last act, I barred Hiram from the room and only allowed Juan to be there. If anyone had to hold my hand, it would be him.

Lyanne gave orders for me to push. I pushed. Normal birth is not that clean thing that appears in movies and on television. It's a mess where we urinate and defecate with the force of contractions and effort. But after I screamed my soul out, she came. It took a few eternal seconds for me to hear her newborn cry. Juan immediately cut the umbilical cord and, to my complete surprise, a few minutes later, she was placed in my lap.

"This is our little girl." Juan said in a soft voice.

"Hi." I took her little hand. She was small, but she looked strong. Her skin was pink, she was hairy, she still wasn't clean of sebum, but I grabbed her little body and started crying because I never imagined that I could fall in love with someone like that, instantly. I held her little hand... it was so small, fragile, even so, she squeezed my fingers with that little hand. "Hi… it's me… your mom."

She looked at me in a way that image would never fade from my mind. Then the nurse took her away from me and I almost despaired because I knew I wouldn't see her again for the next 18 years.

"Shelby." Lyanna caught my attention. "You're going to feel a lot of pain now, but it's because we're going to induce labor for the next girl. We're going to break her waters and she's going to be born. Breathe deeply."

Lyanna wasn't kidding, because I have a feeling the entire hospital heard me scream. I don't know exactly how long I stayed there feeling horrible pain, but this time, as soon as my other girl was born, I couldn't see her. She was smaller, more fragile, and the nurses together with the pediatrician had to treat her right there. I wanted to know what was going on, if she was okay, but nobody would tell me, until Juan held my hand.

"She's tiny and needs some oxygen. Don't worry."

"Is she going to be okay?"

"Yes. Don't worry. I'll keep an eye on her. Now you need to deliver the placentas, okay? So you can be okay."

It was the night of December 18, 1994. I became the mother of two little girls, who were no longer mine. At least not legally speaking anymore. I would no longer have the right to see them. And just thinking about it, I felt the most intense and excruciating pain a woman could ever feel.