Windows
A/N: The maybe was a window to my happiness.
A chapter that was never agreed upon in the original story but nevertheless is here. There's only ONE part to this. The next chapter will be a continuation after the sixteenth chapter.
There's a part where the 'he' and 'she' refer to the same person. Japanese is gender neutral, so you can overlook it.
I struggled a lot with this one. I hope you like it!
The bell tinkled softly and in he entered. I quickly made my way out of the storage space where I was doing inventory. Walking up to the counter, I saw a tall and broad-shouldered man who looked around with a hesitance that I found quite common in all foreigners who come to the store. The spun gold of his hair stood at various angles. It was clear he'd run his hands through his hair several times before he entered. For some reason, I found that endearing. Then his aquamarine eyes looked into mine and my heart skipped a beat when my breath caught in my throat.
He fidgeted with his hands before looking up at me. I've dealt with foreigners before. They come here each autumn, spring and summer to purchase furniture for their short-term stay. And judging from the way he looked around the store, he was probably here for the same purpose. He walked up the counter and stood before me, towering over by a head. For some reason, his size didn't intimidate me. Nevertheless, nervousness of a strange variety gripped me.
"Yes?" I asked him politely; my lips rose in that perfect imitation of the shopkeeper smile I'd seen my grandad use often in the store. It had taken some time but now the smile came to me almost naturally. Those blue eyes, however, dimmed a little.
He stammered his way into the explanation of his visit. A bookshelf was what he wanted. His sentence contained a scattering of English here and there and I could see how hard he was trying to actually speak a language he wasn't used to. It made my heart twist in a sweet way. "Sasuke sent you?" I asked, despite knowing that there was only one person who actually did stuff like this. And recently, my darling younger brother was all chirpy and noisy about this new friend he'd made during one of his classes. Uzumaki Naruto. "You're Naruto-kun?" My curiosity gave away my eagerness. I bit my tongue.
He nodded and I smiled when the dots connected. He returned my smile and the equilibrium I'd just managed to regain was stolen once again, giving way to the nervousness from earlier. The blue eyes glanced around once more and I pointed towards the door of the storage unit. "Follow me," I said. I pointed out to the area where the bookshelves were lined and then to the various home appliances and other things most people come here to buy. The prices are mentioned on the objects so I didn't really need to stay to give him further explanations. Moreover, it was clear that he was nervous so I left him alone and went back to the counter.
Once I was seated at my chair, I contemplated texting Sasuke to let him know his new best friend was here, then decided against it. I didn't know the dynamics of their friendship and it felt too weird to actually report it to him. I picked up the book I was reading when I happened to glance at the security camera feed on my computer. I watched him move towards the dark wood shelf which was my favorite and smile. I gasped when he touched the cellophane covered wood with his fingertips, his smile widening with each touch. Appreciation was as clear as day on his face till a shadow of regret made him turn away from the shelf and move towards the steel shelves. I could understand his feelings. That shelf cost more than fifty-thousand yen. It was gorgeous but impractical to a fault. I watched him amusedly as he hovered around and pulled refrigerator doors open or examine microwaves. I let him do his thing. I only wanted to watch. His movements, his actions were entertaining in a way.
At length, the white door opened and he walked out. The nervousness he'd shed inside the storage was back in full effect as he rubbed his nape with his hand and announced he'd selected his shelf. I took my time, carefully bookmarking my page before I closed the book, I'd only taken to glance down at it when I saw him move towards the door. The only thing I could do was merely nod as I made my way to him. Even though I'd received a lot of customers like him, including some who couldn't speak a word of Japanese, there was just something about him that was different. Ergo, when he called after me, asking me if I could deliver it to his place, using every verb he could in the book, I had to bite back a laugh. His speech was oddly adorable.
"You need this shelf to be delivered to your place, is that right?" He sought clarity and I did too. The frantic nodding was a little over the top but I was willing to forget that when he looked relieved. He was an entire powerhouse of emotions that displayed on his face like bright LED bulbs. His expressions were very animated. "When do you want it delivered?" I exited the storage first to walk back to my desk. He didn't hesitate a second before telling me the next day was fine. I nodded. I could work with it. I didn't have any special task to do anyway. I began making a plan. I could either tear down the whole thing and reassemble it at his place or I could borrow Shisui's truck and haul the piece of furniture all the way to his place.
I pulled out the necessary paperwork and handed it to him. Judging from his speech and the way he'd loudly read out things in the storage room, I assumed he knew a little bit of kanji characters too. But he didn't really need to worry. The form was in English as well. The rampant relief he displayed was also amusing. I was amazed to see his neat handwriting. For some reason, I carried the notion of his handwriting being messy and untamed. But he'd penned each character neatly. I inquired of his availability and penciled in the detail on top of his form. His address said he lived on the fourth floor which put the plan to use Shisui's truck out of commission. It left me with no choice but to dissemble the shelf and reassemble it at his place. I wondered if he'd be okay with that but I didn't ask him it.
"Are you related to Uchiha-kun?" I looked up at him when he peered at me, his curiosity out on full display.
Normally, all of Sasuke's friends can catch the resemblance between us in a heartbeat, so having someone ask it out blatantly made me feel weird. "Yes, I'm his elder brother. Didn't he tell you that?" For some reason, I found it a bit odd.
He shook his head and this time looked at me with a different gaze as if to ascertain the physical proof of my brotherhood with Sasuke. Something in his eyes shifted before he opened his mouth. "I'm Uzumaki Naruto," he blurted and put a hand out for a handshake between us.
I looked down at his hand. Big and tanned, it encompassed my whole hand. At 5'10, I'm not small by any means, but his hand is way bigger than mine. His hand was warm but dry. For some reason, I liked his boldness. A smile formed before I knew it. "I'm Uchiha Itachi, Sasuke's elder brother." I wanted to bite my tongue for adding the last bit of information. I didn't want this to become a moniker that would stay. I hated myself for reducing my identity to that introduction. Speaking of which, "How do you know my brother?" I asked.
"We share the same class. Business Japanese." Ah, that made perfect sense. I smiled at him for the clarification. He opened his wallet and carefully counted the bills before plucking them out. He placed them on the small tray and I went to business, tearing off his receipt and handing it to him.
His gaze drifted back to the books before coming over to me. "Are those books for sale?" he asked, hooking a thumb over his shoulder. I glanced at him and then the comics before looking back at him again.
"No but I do lend them to ardent readers." At this point, I was holding back a smile at his eagerness. "Do you like manga, Naruto-kun?" It was a much needed unnecessary question.
He turned confident eyes to me that stole my smile away. "I love manga!" Cocksure Naruto-kun came out on display as he chanted off the names of the various shonen manga he'd read. His Japanese flowed out naturally. It no longer hid behind the iron walls of caution. His passion drove him on.
"In Japanese?" Maybe I asked him that to mess with him a little, to break his equilibrium. Maybe I asked him that because I was looking for an amusing reaction. Maybe I asked him that to bring his cockiness down a notch. I don't know why I asked him. His downcast expression made me chuckle. This boy really cannot hide his emotions. And that is what appealed to me the most at that moment. This guileless man-boy was interesting.
"You'll get there," kindness seeped through for someone as pure as him. I looked at the expanse of comics I've amassed for the purpose of helping out people like him. "Would you like to give them a try? This time in Japanese?" I asked.
His nod had me whipping up an index card and him filling it with gusto while I explained the rules. The shifting of conversation to a topic he was comfortable with completely shed the pressure he'd been putting on himself. It lightened him. It brightened him. It amused me to watch him hop from shelf-to-shelf looking for the books he wanted to pick. He reminded me of Kiyoshi when we went to the candy store. People definitely had a hard time saying no to him, I'm sure. I could see why Sasuke was so fond of him. I made a mental note to confirm this notion with Sasuke but decided against it.
For some reason, I wanted to discover this boy myself. For some reason, I didn't want our connecting link to be Sasuke. For some reason, I wanted to keep my thoughts about him private from Sasuke even though I shared almost everything with him. And I was only interested in his friends to an extent that was normal. Maybe that's why I didn't want Sasuke to be our connecting link. For some reason, I didn't want to associate him with Sasuke.
I packed his books for him while he filled in the card. "Have a good day," I greeted him formally, keeping my voice devoid of the desperation I felt because I wanted him to stay. I wanted to see more of his expressions.
He glanced at the bag and instinctively tapped his pockets. "Do I not have to pay anything?" He face showed his surprise, his confusion. I liked that I managed to draw out these emotions out of him as well. It felt like a personal victory. And I wanted more. At that moment I didn't even consider my own vendetta. My mind was too focused on observing this boy in front of me. I did not realize that lending the comics also served as a way to have him come back.
I shook my head. "Think of it as a service," I smiled genuinely at him. I liked him already. "But keep the books well. They're precious to me." For some reason, I trusted him with the books. The cautionary warning was purely statutory. Though I gave him a piece of my honesty as a reward, I did not have the fortitude to look at him when I handed him the bag.
And it was good till that point. It was clear. I'd analyzed it already. He was interesting and I was intrigued. But that was it. He was a person and I wanted to learn about him. If I had to choose a word to define what I felt there, I'd go with curious. Yes, I was curious about him. And that was it. Until his hand brushed against mine and that one little innocent touch tingled all the way down my spine.
My eyes went up to see him quickly retract his hand, mutter a greeting and walk away.
"Your bookshelf will be delivered soon," my parting call was autopilot. It could have been a bleak attempt at wanting him to stay and talk or a reminder that I'd see him soon. I didn't know what I was trying to convey.
Because now, my body's reaction to him was unclear. There was nothing when we shook hands earlier but this accidental touch did something that's crumpled my entire balance. Now I needed to know this man. To understand why this happened. To have this happen again just so that I could confirm.
I've never reacted this way to anyone, not even my ex-wife.
Why did I equate this with physical contact of a sexual nature? Why did I think like that towards a man?
I've always been very clear about what side of the fence I stood on, so to speak. Therefore this thought made no sense to me. I mulled it over a couple of times, analyzing it to no avail.
Finally, I closed my eyes and sighed loudly. Maybe I was sexually frustrated. This stream of thought was purely born from the result of taking care of things myself these past few months. If it is human contact I was lacking then I could remedy that. I was sure I could find someone to fix that problem.
Naruto's sun-kissed blond hair came back into my mind along with his animated face. I chuckled. I couldn't deny it. There was something about him that pulled my attention.
For some reason, I wanted him to be here in this space and show me more of his expressions. For some reason, I wanted him to talk to me, to tell me who he is.
And for some reason, I wanted him more than anything else to see me as me and not as Sasuke's older brother.
I clenched the hand that still tingled in memory with the whisper of the sensation of Naruto's.
Nothing was clear. Nothing at all.
I stood in front of Naruto's dorm room the next evening. A strange sense of excitement and eagerness filled me. Last night, I'd sat at the table on the brink of mentioning it to Sasuke. These past two weeks Sasuke had done nothing but gush about his newly made friend and I knew that once I touched upon this subject, Sasuke would jump on it. And even though Sasuke's enthusiasm would have served as a passage to learning about Naruto, it wasn't a very attractive method. I didn't want to hear of Sasuke's version of Naruto. I wanted to know him on my very own.
But there was also that added risk of Naruto telling Sasuke and Sasuke undoubtedly bringing it to the table. So my only contingency plan was to agree to it should Sasuke speak of it. But when dinner passed without a word from Sasuke about Naruto, another feeling gripped my chest. Dismay at no mention of Naruto after two continuous weeks made even the dinner I liked, lose its appeal.
And now here I was. Part of me only wanted to see his face, to see the anticipation of having me here. I wasn't aiming for anything else; this was more along the lines of wanting to see what look he'd have on his face. What he would say. Would we start off from where we left? Would he try to break down another wall? He looked like someone who was social so I was hoping for any little thing he would divulge. I wanted more than anything for him to talk about something that lit his passion. That spark I'd seen in his eyes made me want to see it again. For some reason, I liked how he shined when he let himself go. Maybe it was a sense of freedom that I lacked. Maybe it was the simple manner of his speech. Maybe it was just him coming alive. I stood there in the sheer excitement to learn more of him.
My hands which were full of the carton containing the steel shelf shook a little when I placed the carton down to call him. His voice on the phone sounded breathless. Maybe he'd run to receive the call. I wondered if he was anticipating this. I wondered which side the scales of this anticipation tipped towards. Whether he anticipated the shelf or he anticipated my arrival. For some reason, I hoped it was the latter. I wanted to see those blue eyes light up if nothing else. Any expression on his face across the myriad of the emotional spectrum would satisfy me. I anticipated it.
He greeted me as the door slammed open and those aquamarine eyes met mine. Formal politeness sat coldly in those blue orbs and escaped that mouth which wouldn't stop breaking into a smile at every turn. His pleasantries were as stiff as his expression. I moved past it and I took in the workout attire he was wearing. The orange t-shirt hit me like a bolt of lightning, jarring my brain into complete disarray. Jumbled thoughts took shape. But more than that, what messed me up was just that stupid formal face. I'd honestly thought he'd be pleased. The eagerness I was hoping to read on his face was nowhere to be seen. I didn't want to address the disappointment that rose in my chest at the thought. Perhaps he wanted distance. Perhaps he was scared of speaking Japanese again.
I analyzed his actions to the best of the situation and went to work. I forced myself to focus on the now as I went about setting down the tools I would need for the assembly. He didn't say a word as he pulled out his phone and stared at it. And that silent countenance forced me to keep my mouth shut. It was for the better. But it didn't stop me from looking at him. The garish orange running t-shirt that Naruto wore should have been a punishment for the eyes but it fitted his muscular body like second skin. I wasn't physically attracted to him. Not at that point, not in the slightest. I admired his youth, visible on every inch of him even though we were only five years apart. Even his physique had an appeal of its own kind. I was willing to bet that women found him irresistible. Maybe men too. His black shorts were short, hiding nothing of his powerful thighs. Maybe, if I'd been a muscle head, I'd have aimed to have a body like his. He wasn't buff and he wasn't thin. His body was the perfect culmination of the two.
My hands worked on autopilot, giving me the window to let my thoughts drift as I looked around. His room was sparsely furnished like every other room with only the bare necessities. I liked that his room was clean. I wondered if he'd cleaned it for the shelf. My eyes drifted to his desk. For some reason, seeing the manga I lent him just yesterday stacked neatly against his course books appealed to me. I liked that something of mine was here. The pleasure heightened when I saw the first volume bookmarked at his desk. It tickled my insides. I wanted to comment on it. I wanted to know his impression of the Japanese version. I wanted him to speak, to come alive like he did yesterday. His face then was a wonderland and today I wanted to marvel in it again. But there was no trace of a shine or a spark as he stared at his phone detachedly.
Defeated, I finished my work in record time before coming to stand in front of him with the acknowledgement. Honestly, I didn't need him to sign it. He'd made his purchase and the bookshelf in his room stood as proof. I didn't need to be here longer. And I was hoping to linger. To talk to him again. But he didn't need it as he signed the paper swiftly and handed it to me. Our hands did not touch. I wanted them to. And then it struck me. Maybe he didn't need me to stay longer than required. Maybe he saw me as his friend's older brother and that was that. Yes I should leave it at that. So once he was done signing, I was out his door.
My walk back to the car was fast-paced. Agitated. I threw my toolbox in the trunk and sat in the driver's seat. After the initial surprise and nervousness, the indifferent look on the face of a man with a million emotions seemed unappealing. It was anti-climactic. It left me wanting. I didn't clearly know what I anticipated but this cold and aloof demeanor wasn't it. He was a man who exuded warmth. Someone who came alive in the matter of seconds. I wondered if there was something wrong. For someone who'd managed to amaze a complete stranger in one meeting, this silence didn't sit well. For a brief demented second, I contemplated ringing his door phone again to ask him if he was okay. But that impulse left me with a sense of shock. Why was I worried? Why for him? Because he was a stranger away from home? Because he was Sasuke's friend? And then? What about me? What did I want? Was it friendship I sought? Was it the simple allure of a little tete-a-tete to know him a little? What was it I wanted?
Answers alluded me a lot when I thought of Naruto. And that was beginning to vex me. I am Sasuke's elder brother; it is to be expected that he would keep his distance. So what was I expecting? Maybe all the conversation between us was because of the flow, but I thought there would be some of that recognition. Was I expecting him to acknowledge that? But why would he? He was not my friend. And me, I didn't need him as a friend. Was it courtesy I wanted? I honestly didn't know.
And now that really brought forward the question I didn't want to ask myself.
Why the fuck did this all bother me so much?
Sasuke greeted me at the entrance when I returned home. He smiled sweetly at me. "How was your day?" he asked in all innocence.
My chest pricked with the guilt of hiding it from him. The television played in the background and I heard Kiyoshi's giggle. Despite the shitty emotional ride I'd had, his giggle made everything dissipate into thin air. "Fine. And yours?" I asked, taking off my own shoes.
"Fine. Sasuke stood up and moved to walk out. "I'll eat at the diner so I won't need dinner. I'll go now," he called out as he moved to the door. I moved to take a step but his voice made me freeze. "Naruto," he said and against every inch of my brain protesting, my head whipped up at his name. "Naruto might visit your store soon. He said he needs to buy a shelf." Sasuke turned towards me with his big, puppy eyes, "Treat him nicely, okay? And give him some discount, please!"
It was an antic he employed each time he wanted something. I should have been amused when he brought it out. I should have teased him for it. But for Sasuke to say something like this only meant one thing. Naruto did not tell Sasuke about it. Yesterday, I had refrained from saying anything because I was expecting him to bring it up. Yesterday, I didn't want him to know. I was banking on the thought of creating my own understanding of Naruto. But after this evening, I know now I should not step any further. As a result, I don't have a reason to hide it.
"Naruto came in yesterday and made his purchase already. I delivered it today." Each word was measured and controlled. It was nonchalance at its finest.
Sasuke surprised me by taking my arm. "He came yesterday and you didn't tell me? I could have accompanied you for the delivery!" he looked genuinely angry. It made the shitty day even worse.
"And why would you do that?" I took a deep breath when I saw his dejected face. "I'm sorry. I didn't know it was this important to you."
Sasuke deflated immediately. "I'm sorry I overreacted. It's just this is about Naruto and…" he stopped and looked away.
"And so you thought it directly concerns you. Are you his guardian?" Poking my nose in my brother's business was a novelty for me. I didn't care as long as his friends didn't mess with him or do shit. I trusted Sasuke's instinct. I wasn't overly protective but it never hurt to keep an eye on him. But this type of concern for a friend was unwarranted from him.
Sasuke blushed. "No. But you could have told me since you know he's my good friend."
"Good friend?" I parroted like a two-year-old.
Sasuke laughed. "Well, it's more than that. He's an awesome guy. Very sweet too, don't you think?"
Sweet? Yeah, if sweet was a euphemism for an icy prick. He was downright rude. Maybe that's the reason why anger flared red-hot in my veins. It was bothering me again. He was bothering me again. "Yeah, whatever you say. Now leave before you get late." I'd received my share of Naruto tidbit for the day as the cherry on this shitty cake and that was enough.
"Alright! Next time make sure to tell me, okay! I'll go now." he threw the greeting over his shoulder before I could protest.
Would there be a next time? Would I see him again? Probably not. Nevertheless, I still clung on to the hope of him returning the comics himself out of politeness if nothing else. But now, I didn't think I'd even be surprised if it was Sasuke hand delivering the comics on Naruto's behalf.
I wanted to smash something.
More than a week had passed and Sasuke had suddenly stopped all talks of Naruto. It was beginning to drive me insane. I don't know what irritated me more. Sasuke's sudden silence over the topic called Uzumaki Naruto or the fact that I now found myself thinking about him nonstop. My last meeting with him was a message loud and clear so why did I look up like an excited teenager each time the glass doors slid open? Once bitten, twice shy. Where was common sense when you needed it? This internal war was wearing me down.
Morosely I glanced at the door once before going back to my book. How nice would it be if the door was to open and Naruto would come in with another of his animated expressions!
The door opened then and the sight of the blond hair made my heart turn over. His blue eyes were soft and shy when they looked at me and he bowed in greeting. So was his smile. He was beautiful in a way I'd never appreciated before. Against my will, the happiness I was feeling spread all over my body. Sasuke walked up to the counter and dipped his shoulder for a hello. I raised a brow at him. This sudden arrival without asking for permission or any explanation confused me a little. But the surprise was nice. That I had to admit. Naruto wore a white jacket with a blue t-shirt underneath. He'd paired the look with a pair of tight blue jeans that hid nothing of those powerful legs I had yet to stop thinking about. Blame it on a dream that involved an orange t-shirt, blond hair, those mesmerizing blue eyes and those naked legs. It was not below me to admit to myself that I admired his body. But I feared what dwelling into those thoughts would force me to admit.
And now the blue jeans weren't helping at all. I was angry with him. Incomprehensible and irrational fury raced to the forefront. He'd punished me by staying silent. He'd irritated me to utter madness when his blue eyes stayed trained to the phone in his hand. He'd shaken me up, riled me up into asking myself questions that only confused me further. The worst was, I couldn't even talk to anyone about it. Not even Shisui. Where the hell would I begin from? How could I make him understand just how close I was to exploding? And now when I saw his eyes staring directly at me, this bubbling, sickening anger vanished like it was lie. How could it not when he smiled and it lit up everything on his face. Sheer pleasure shined and I felt my heart skip a beat.
Yes! This was the moment I was waiting for. The moment his passion makes him shine.
At that moment, I only basked in the acknowledgment I needed. My own thoughts skipped over themselves. His passion made him shine. And that smile had been for me. It was beyond me to put this simple two and two together and actually see the bigger picture. "We came here to study because the cafeteria is closed. You remember Naruto-kun?" It's not till Sasuke spoke that I realized he was there.
Oh yes I remember him. I remember him very, very well.
I quickly regrouped my thoughts. I managed a nod in Naruto's direction. Maybe giving him a taste of his own medicine wouldn't hurt a little. I turned my back to them and that was it. They were dismissed.
I wanted to look up and see the change in his expression. I wanted to see if he was disappointed, if it made any difference. I felt dizzy with delight when I saw him frown at Sasuke before he turned. Because now this proved the optimistic theory I'd constantly been putting on the back burner, always assuming the worst. Maybe he'd just been shy and awkward. Maybe I'd read him wrong. And that made me happy. Immensely so. Naruto was forgiven.
I thought this study session was going to be a goofing around session but I was surprised to see him actually focus on what Sasuke said. But it just turned out to be the absolute boon because now I could observe him without being obvious. Oh what a treat the day was! While his face darkened at every turn with confusion, it also kept brightening every other when understanding hit. So far, I'd managed to catalog almost every expression. The receipts were just a prop. His expressions kept jumping from one to another when he ran a hand through his hair, or when he rubbed the side of his brow and when he tapped with his pencil at something in the book. I was so engrossed in just looking at him, studying him to pay attention to what they were talking about.
But Sasuke's voice registered in my brain. His tone was sharp, like he was about to argue. Naruto's expression also did not look good anymore as he sat there listening to Sasuke. So I did what was expected of me. I stood up and walked over to intervene. Only I bent down till I was near his face and politely asked, "Would you like some coffee, Naruto-kun?" He gasped audibly, tickling my chest.
I like that I managed to change his mood a little. He looked spooked and I could work with that since it amused me. So, in return I gave him the perfect awkward smile as apology. Then I turned to Sasuke and he asked me something about what he was teaching Naruto and I got to answering it. I could feel his eyes on me but I didn't hate it. Sasuke said something funny and it made me chuckle. Naruto exhaled with a whoosh. And I took that as my cue to leave.
Every step to the vending machine felt lighter than it had in days. My mood made me want to dance. It'd been a while since I felt like this. I quickly bought the coffees and stopped when I heard the conversation happening inside. "Yeah we live together." It wasn't difficult to understand the pretext. Something prevented me from stepping inside. They hadn't seen me. I wanted to hear what Naruto would ask next. For some reason, this conversation didn't seem like it would end there.
"So it's just you two then?" Naruto was curious too! I reveled in that knowledge for a second before panic hit me. Kiyoshi! Sasuke would tell Naruto without a shred of hesitation. But I didn't want Naruto to know. Not yet. And not from Sasuke.
"Yeah, us and Itachi's-" I entered when Naruto's curiosity must have piqued to madness. His bewildered expression made me feel bad for him. But he wasn't ready for it. He wasn't ready to hear about Kiyoshi. I casually held out a can for him to take and he did with shaking hands. I gave him a minute to compose himself. I didn't know why he reacted the way he did but I liked his reactions. For some reason, I felt like I was turning a blind eye to something that was as clear as Naruto's blue eyes.
"Would you like to go grab dinner with us?" Sasuke asked me suddenly, putting my thoughts on hold. Kiyoshi was with my parents and I really didn't have any plans so this was a good idea. Had Naruto not been in the equation, I'd have still thought of eating with Sasuke or Shisui.
"Sure but would that be okay with you?" I gave the same formal look I've perfected by now.
"Wouldn't have asked you if it wasn't." Sasuke's words were accompanied by a fond smile. I nodded quickly and pushed back my hair. Another soft whoosh escaped my left. My ignorance towards myself was laughably obvious.
He asked Naruto and once we all agreed on what we wanted to eat, I immediately knew where I was taking him. Sasuke also was in accord with my thoughts when he excitedly mentioned the tempura. We walked with Sasuke in between us and if that wasn't a euphemism for anything which involved Naruto, then I don't know what was. Don't get me wrong. Sasuke is my brother and I love him. But he was also a constant between Naruto and me. And between us, Naruto was close to Sasuke, not me. I was only the elder brother.
Unless I changed it. "Naruto-kun, have you come to this part of the town before?" I asked him. I turned excitedly only to see Naruto's eyes on Sasuke's. He wore a frown when they moved in my direction as if searching for me. He shook his head when our eyes met. It wasn't fair that I could read his eyes that moment. I'd thought Naruto only ever told the truth. But this little white lie pleased me. I offered him a smile and Sasuke the opportunity to go to town with his knowledge. Sasuke bombarded him with stories about our childhood. Harmless little bits of my younger days that I wanted him to know. I watched him listen with interest. His blue eyes visibly twinkled when he heard every word that left Sasuke's mouth. Sasuke also mentioned Shisui in passing and I was okay with that too.
When our server waved excitedly at Sasuke, my eyes immediately sought Naruto's. We smirked at each other like it was our secret. It pleased me immensely. I knew her of course. She used to go to Sasuke's school and it was blatantly obvious that she liked him. Sasuke looked more annoyed than anything else when she did not even try to hide her emotions.
I chose to sit opposite him only because I wanted to look at his face. I didn't have any hidden desire to sit next to him or be in any close proximity. It wasn't Naruto's nearness that I wanted. It was the expressions on his face. It was the warmth he'd exuded upon our first meeting. Therefore, when Sasuke took the seat next to him, I thought it was obvious. Sasuke's ex-classmate returned to rat off the instructions and I watched her stare at Sasuke intensely. Sasuke didn't react to her. He chose to stare at his menu instead. Naruto saw me watching him but I merely smiled at him as if it was no big deal.
"Who is she?" Nosy Naruto was cute. I'd give him that.
Sasuke aimed for nonchalance and got away with complete disinterest. I'd really wished this fire burned both ways. That Sasuke was taking interest in someone outside of Naruto. But Sasuke squashed that hope so quickly, it pinched. "She was my classmate in school."
Naruto was not to be deterred. "And…?" he pressed on. I wondered if it was genuine curiosity as a friend or if there was something more. It made me want to join in on the fun.
"And…she likes my foolish little brother," Naruto met my eyes and smiled at me at that. I shifted my foot under the table and it bumped into Naruto's. He did not move his foot and neither did I. I liked this connection. It was warm.
Naruto got confident after I butted in. "And you Sasuke, what about you?" I nodded imperceptibly in his direction.
"Tell us, tell us," I goaded my brother playfully, chuckling when he glared.
He closed the menu with a snap. "She confessed to me last year, okay? But I said no, I'm not interested." My foolish little brother was furious. And I knew where this fury was directed at. For some reason, I'd switched sides. I was always supposed to be on Sasuke's team. Then why would I choose to do this? That impossible irritation flitted through my skin. I forced myself to let it go.
I looked up to find Naruto looking very awkward all of a sudden. I watched his mind work a different ways to break the tension that had settled in. "What do you reckon I get?" Naruto finally asked and immediately Sasuke got to pointing at different dishes.
"The tempura is the best here so definitely try it," I spoke it casually, just leaving the suggestion out there. Sasuke grinned at me while I grinned when I saw Naruto looked really pleased I spoke. I didn't mind this role. For some reason, I felt we'd taken a step further. Towards something like friendship? Labeling it didn't matter right now. I wanted to take what he gave. I didn't want to think about tonight being out of polite, forced friendship because of me being Sasuke's elder brother. I wanted to ascertain what he felt. It felt imperative to understand this man's thoughts towards me. How far he wanted me to know him.
The beer came first. I drank like a man starved for it. "Nothing beats a glass of beer after a hard day!" my immediate innermost thoughts slipped out of my mouth. Till Naruto had stepped into the shop and restored our normalcy, the day had been nothing but hard. It was amazing how his smile had just melted all the anger. I'd never been this lenient with anyone. And that too after he drove me nearly insane for so long. Normally, I'd let it go. Pass it off as a rude customer. Maybe never do business with them again. And yet here I was, getting dinner with said person of my own accord. I was letting my greed to see his face decide my course of action. This wasn't good. I picked up my beer and finished it.
Sasuke took to narrating some really silly stereotypes about Naruto's country. Naruto struggled to answer as best as he could. And I struggled to not stare too much at him. But I was all ears. That same smile which he gave me in the shop, soft and sweet flitted across his lips when our eyes met for a second.
"Where's Kiyo staying tonight?" My heart felt like someone had squeezed it. I straightened immediately. Naruto's eyes burned like blinding bulbs when he looked at Sasuke. After spending the whole day observing him, I now knew what he was thinking. The who was so obvious, he'd perked his lips to form a small pout. If I wasn't so pissed at Sasuke for bringing my son up, I'd have definitely found that small pout adorable.
That wretched irritation returned when I saw Sasuke. The one moment, I felt harmonious with Naruto, Sasuke just had to go and break it. What the hell was his problem? "With his grandparents." That was about as ambiguous as I could get. Kiyoshi still wasn't a person I wanted to discuss.
Our food arrived mercifully and the conversation got better when Naruto tried every dish and moaned appreciatively. His accented Japanese was pleasant to hear. He really tried his best to enunciate every word as naturally as possible. I could bet, with practice he would. I wanted him to. Maybe it was the years I've spent tutoring my juniors during college, but I wanted this for him. He could be an asshole to me again tomorrow but I'd have still wanted this for him.
Naruto smoothly blended one story into another. He was a natural orator. The chance to learn all I wanted to about him was not to be passed up. I was drinking it in. So lost I was that when someone clapped a hand on my shoulder, I was physically startled. Angry at being interrupted once again, I looked up and there stood Shisui. The pleasure of seeing my best friend grinning down at me deepened and unthinkingly I stood up and hugged him. "Shisui! How are you?" I ask him. I didn't know if Shisui was pleased to see me or puzzled at my behavior, but the best friend that he was, played along immediately.
We shared pleasantries like two long lost classmates who'd accidentally bumped into each other at the mall. He put his arm around me and asked me about my family and I asked about his. I don't know why I was so happy to see him there. Sasuke stood up to greet Shisui but unlike me who'd acted like I'd forgotten Naruto was there, Sasuke made the introductions.
Naruto stood up to bow and Shisui winked at me before holding a hand out for a shake. I wondered why he did that. But I couldn't stop myself from grinning when Naruto's nostrils flared. After they shook hands and Naruto looked anything but pleased, Shisui tortured him further with a couple of questions. But Sasuke chose to answer each one for him. Shisui didn't like it and neither did I. But it wasn't Naruto's fault. After they said their goodbyes, Shisui pulled me a step away. "What the hell is happening there? Why does he not like me?" he eyed me quizzically and I shrugged.
After wondering about that a million times myself, there was only one answer I could give. "No idea."
He shook his head. "Anyway, let's go fishing this Saturday."
I nodded enthusiastically. "Loser has to do what the winner wants." It was an automatic response. Fishing entailed a competition and I wanted to keep my winning streak.
"Kiyoshi will be the judge." Shisui declared. I knew how big a soft spot my son had for him. And if that little cheater put my catch in Shisui's bucket again, I would go crazy. For a three year old, he was crafty. What bugged me more as a father was that he didn't even hesitate to pick up a wriggling fish and transport it all the way to Shisui's. But then again, he'd brought all of Shisui's rare catches for me. So in all fairness, I was okay with my son being the judge.
"I'll kill you if you bribe him," I warned making him laugh.
"Fine, fine! I'll text you the details later. Kitchen's calling me, I've to go." He ran a hand through his wavy hair before putting on his chef's hat and returning to the kitchen.
I returned to the table and glanced at the food and Naruto engrossed in listening to what Sasuke said. "Kiyo would have loved to be here," my words came out wistfully and I regretted my words immediately. I was keeping Kiyoshi from him then why would I bring him up myself? I wasn't drunk. Then why did my tongue lose control? I was malfunctioning.
And so was Naruto. He'd clenched his teeth so hard that his cheekbones stood taut. "Naruto-kun," I asked worriedly, "are you alright?"
His answer was a small nod. He blamed it on the alcohol. I looked at Sasuke as if to ask, is he a light drinker? Sasuke's look conveyed that he didn't know.
"Say Sasuke, who's Kiyo?" I wanted to express the feeling I felt after opening this Pandora's box myself just by talking about Kiyoshi. I glanced at Sasuke who looks like he was taking permission. Maybe he'd understood my past two attempts at keeping Kiyoshi from Naruto. I was immensely grateful.
He turned back to Naruto. "He's just someone infinitesimally important to both of us," he smiled at Naruto who looked even more agitated before he controlled himself. He looked at his watch and stood up, suddenly announcing that he had plans to FaceTime his friends. He said it first in English and then amended it to Japanese. I was taken aback by the sudden termination of this evening. There was more I wanted to learn. But he stood up and so did we. At the counter I pulled out my wallet naturally but there was a combined protest from the two of them, leading us to go dutch.
Naruto shot out like a bolt once we'd exited. He'd quickly wished us goodnight and raced off to his bike. It was clear he didn't want to keep his friends waiting. If he had initial plans then it was only natural for him to hurry for that call. Rationally I knew that. I understood that. Were positions reversed, I'd have done the same as well. But it was all too sudden. It brought back the day I'd last seen him. After Shisui left, Naruto stopped looking my way entirely. I'd pushed it away because I didn't want to lose out on any moment that involved Naruto but now this abrupt departure put it right there.
"He really has a cute side to him, don't you think?" Sasuke's voice jarred me out of the Naruto bubble and I looked at him.
He looked at me smiling, no guile whatsoever. If Naruto was a woman, I'd have even thought he was asking for my approval. But that wasn't the case. I didn't know my brother's preference. We'd never touched upon that topic. He avoided it like the plague. But right now, I instinctively knew he wanted me to like him. Badly. Desperately.
Foolish little brother. I chuckled. I liked him already. I liked him a lot even though it was our third meeting. But the more I got to know him, the more I came to like him. It truly was impossible to dislike someone like Naruto. But I wasn't going to share that with Sasuke. My thoughts on Naruto were my own. I shrugged for effect. "Eh, he's alright."
Sasuke casually put his arm around my neck and shook me. "Alright is high praise from you so I'll take it as a compliment."
I snorted rudely as we walked towards his bike together, his arm still around me. "I'm not that stingy with them," I rolled my eyes at him.
Sasuke just squeezed me tightly. "Yes you are. You are super stingy. Even Kiyoshi thinks so," he stuck out his tongue at me.
"What the hell are you talking about? Kiyoshi can sing praises of my generosity!" I moved away from him and glared at him absolutely baffled.
"If you're that generous, then spare some for Naruto too? He's an awesome person once you get to know him."
Had I not been crawling up my head, recalling that garish orange t-shirt and those short shorts that kept reappearing in nonsensical dreams, I'd have actually seen my brother. Come to realize the truth that would come much later. "Alright, he's nice."
Sasuke grinned and hugged me like I'd praised him instead. "Thank you Itachi."
"For what?" I asked, putting my own arms around him to hug him back.
He pulled away from the hug and smiled beatifically at me. "For being my elder brother."
He doused every feeling in my chest with ice cold water.
I now knew why everything bothered me so much.
Elder brother.
The fucking moniker had stuck.
And I hated it.
I woke up late on Saturday morning. In fact, it was Kiyoshi who woke me up. Having to rush through everything, I barely had time to comb my hair. To top it off, I dropped a lens and couldn't find it. Giving it up I picked up my glasses and ran out of the door.
It was a hectic day. Some new exchange students were constantly coming and going. Two people introduced themselves as Naruto's friends surprising me. Listening to them praise the shop was a nice, warm feeling. It wasn't like I didn't get business. I was doing pretty well for myself. But it just felt good to know he'd thought of me or talked of me even though I couldn't gage the capacity of it.
It quietened down around four in the afternoon. The new orders I'd placed were coming the next day and I was just sorting up some paperwork for it when the glass doors opened. "Welcome," I said without looking up. I only had a few more papers to check and I was done. The person walked straight to the counter, forcing me to look up. Naruto stood in front of me, his hair stylishly disheveled, his blue eyes open and bright. The smile which we only gave me made an appearance. I couldn't repress my smile.
"Hi," he greeted, grinning at me.
"Hi," I greeted back in English as well. I put down the papers I was holding like they were insignificant. I stood up and he pulled out a warm can of coffee and held it out to me. I looked at the can and took it from him. That spark tingled again and I quickly pulled back my hand.
"You're wearing glasses today," he remarked, looking at my glasses. I didn't understand why he'd comment on it.
My smile died a little. Maybe I didn't look good in glasses. "I couldn't find a contact lens this morning so…" I stopped, wondering why the fuck was I explaining things to him.
"I hope you find it soon."
Naruto didn't even mince his words to lessen the blow. He did look like he regretted it at least. I stared right at him. "Yeah?"
His cheeks pinkened. "It's a pity that these glasses hide your eyes."
"Why?" the words he'd spoken pulled me to know the answer.
Naruto stared at me intensely. Maybe he thought he'd crossed a line. Maybe I was too hasty in coming to that conclusion because he interrupted my flow of thoughts with, "They're enigmatic, just like you."
I was truly taken speechless to a compliment like that. He was sincere. That I knew. That I understood. I averted my eyes and said thank you as nonchalantly as I could. I wanted to dissect his words and analyze them more than anything, but I held it in, saving it for later. His white jacket brushed softly when he lifted his hand and ran it through his hair. I wondered once again if it was as soft as he looked. My eyes went up that golden head and saw Sasuke walking towards us. He tapped Naruto on the shoulder who looked surprised. They bumped fists and I watched them passively. The surprise came when Naruto lifted his fist towards me for a bump. I had to laugh as we bumped fists. It helped loosen the tension that had risen between Naruto and me.
They moved towards the sofas while I reluctantly returned towards my paperwork. I was no longer interested in it. It could wait till the next day. I'd do it at home if I had to. At that moment, I went back to observing my latest obsession. I was obsessed. I couldn't do anything but bite this bullet. After the dinner, I'd thought of nothing but him. And now here he was, cramming Japanese diligently. I quickly returned to my paperwork when Sasuke suddenly stood up and stomped towards me. "Help us," he thrusted a book at me. I took a second to compose myself before I looked up at him.
I scanned the page quickly before looking up at Sasuke. "What's the problem?"
Naruto explained the transitive, intransitive pattern and the confusion it was causing. He looked embarrassed and I truly felt bad for him. I thought of the closest example I could give to make him understand. I was ecstatic when he answered my question correctly. He smiled excitedly when he understood. I smiled because this person was truly extraordinary. His embarrassed face bloomed into something else when he's happy. I wanted him to always wear that expression. It made him shine.
Sasuke studied his face happily and asked if he'd understood. He nodded fervently and we smiled at him.
He turned to me wearing the same bright smile. "Thank you, Itachi-san." Now it was my turn to get embarrassed. I waved a dismissive hand and sat down. I studiously avoided Naruto's gaze.
They went back to resume their studies and I went back to gazing emptily at the papers. I straightened myself, thinking it was best to just finish this work while I had the time. But ten minutes later, concentration became totally impossible when the two started to bicker again. This time it was about formal Japanese. Naruto looked close to tears. For some reason, I couldn't take it anymore. He asked a reasonable question. As a foreigner who was just starting to understand the basics of formal Japanese, he had to be very mindful of his words. So his argument was solid. What if someone forgot the word for respect and used the word for humility instead?
What would I do?
"Then the person who's listening would probably fidget an inch or laugh it off thinking you forgot." We tend to forget too, Naruto-kun. I didn't say that part. I didn't want him to judge us based on this. I placed the bottle of water I brought on the table and studied the page. "Maybe they won't react at all!" Yeah, that's what I would do.
"But won't that make me sound like an ass?" Naruto's genuine predicament made me smile.
I nodded. This was for his benefit. "And that's why you've got to learn them in pairs."
Naruto's eyes looked at me like I'd cheated. "That's it?"
Sasuke launched into a scheme of practicing formal Japanese and by his words it also involved me. They spoke in such casual tones that it seemed like I was a given in everything they said. Sasuke threw the eraser at me. "Or you could talk to Itachi in polite Japanese. He looks like an old man anyway."
That was downright insulting. I was extremely pissed at him. I flicked him hard on the forehead. Sasuke eyed me puzzledly. I turn quickly towards Naruto. These opportunities that kept springing forth were exhilarating. "Shall we do that huh, Naruto-kun? You could call me Itachi-sama or Uchiha-sama." I stopped myself and pondered over the words I'd let slip. The laugh that escaped me was uncontrollable.
"Has someone called you that before?" Sasuke did not react to Naruto's words but I did. Why did I say that? Was it a subconscious wish? Although everywhere people called me Uchiha-san or Uchiha-sama, no one had ever called me Itachi-sama. I'd have liked it if he did.
I returned his eraser to the desk. "I don't think anyone has ever called me that before." My smile must have reeked of the wretched desperation to hear it.
"Shall I do that, Itachi-sama?" Ah there it was. He gave me the words I longed to hear. My cheeks heated with the warmth in it. Did Sasuke know? Did he understand?
"That was a joke," I looked away.
Sasuke chose to hand out duties, giving me the charge of Naruto's formal Japanese education while choosing casual for his classes with Naruto. The funny thing was, Naruto didn't even need classes on casual Japanese. I'd heard him before and he was really good. Besides, they were friends. It was really unfair that Sasuke managed to monopolize a huge chunk of Naruto's time already. He didn't need the lifeline of tuition to be together. But I needed it. I wanted it. So I nodded my assent immediately.
"Cool! How about we meet twice a week to converse? If that's okay with you?"
Of course it was okay with me! I nodded again.
"Would you like to sit in and listen?" Sasuke offered. I looked once at the doors and then at Naruto before shrugging and seating myself beside Naruto.
Naruto cursed under his breath, audible only to me.
For some reason, that made me chuckle.
Teaching Uzumaki Naruto the ropes of formal Japanese had been a walk in the park. He understood everything I taught him. It ignited a certain fire inside him. He was cocky to a fault and yet sincere like a model student. It was hard not to get sucked into his pace. But I liked that he rose to every challenge. Being with him made me let down my guard more times that I could count.
I looked forward to each Tuesday and Friday when we had our classes. Somehow this was going on the right track. We were getting to know each other outside of the realm of his education. It was conversation with him that I'd craved in the beginning and I was getting it now in spades. The first message from him made me laugh. He'd written in the stiffest possible self-introduction and I found it cute.
Between my Tuesdays and Fridays, somewhere I'd forgotten it was Christmas season till I saw an ad for Christmas trees. Naruto and Sasuke had plans of meeting up with me in the shop before we went to get dinner. Having nothing else to do, I read a book.
"Hey," Naruto's low voice made me smile at him and wave. He stared intensely at the kanji characters on the book while I bookmarked my page. They waited outside while I locked up quickly. The sudden cold made me huddle deeper into my scarf for warmth. I moved towards the car park as soon as I could, wanting nothing more than to turn up the heat and be warm. Sasuke took the passenger seat while Naruto sat right behind me.
I stopped at the red light and exhaled loudly. I was suddenly conscious of those blue eyes in the rearview mirror. With the way he kept looking at me. I looked into the mirror only to find him looking outside one second and then his eyes were meeting mine. That spine-tingling sensation returned. I looked intensely at him some more, liking this feeling of having his eyes on me.
Sasuke shook me suddenly, telling me the light was green. He gave me a weird look but I just smiled in return before turning the ignition and starting the car. My treacherous eyes raced back to the mirror, only to find his eyes on mine.
The moment was truly maddening because now I was perplexed.
And what baffled me was that I'd have to look away from him. I clicked my tongue in annoyance.
What the hell was that?
After placing our orders of corn potage which I like, Naruto bent down and pulled out a couple of boxes from his bag. He pushed them towards us with a happy but nervous smile on his face. I was embarrassed that I did not prepare a gift for him. He urged us to open them and I unpacked mine to find a pair of gloves. I touched them and gasped. These were made of pure cashmere. They had to be ridiculously expensive! This was too much! I couldn't accept it.
"Will you really refuse something I worked so hard to find?" he looked straight into my eyes when he asked me.
Conflicting emotions raced inside my chest when I looked at him. "These are too expensive Naruto-kun! I can't accept them." I placed them back in the box and moved the box towards him. Naruto sighed once before he looked at me, cooking up some spiel about it being more than a Christmas gift. And then he fucking challenged me with my own culture. Refusing presents in Japan is considered rude. I looked down, defeated. He slid the box back towards me and I had no choice but to accept them.
The mood only improved once the corn potage was served and I ate some. It was sweet, warm and blissful. They discussed the upcoming vacations and Naruto once again ratted off his plan to visit his friend in Hokkaido. It sucked that I wouldn't be able to see him for a while. I didn't like that he couldn't be here to enjoy the midnight visit to the shrine or see the first sunrise together. He'd have made everything twice as fun. Maybe he could work things around?
"But wouldn't it be better to go in February since the Snow Festival is held then?" I asked him. Sasuke too had nodded in agreement.
Naruto just shrugged uncaringly. "I can always go again."
Alright.
He asked us our plans and we told him we were going home to Kanagawa. Sasuke even told him the itinerary. We did the same thing every year. We helped Mother in the kitchen for the osechi and then we just ate leftovers for as long as we could, watched tv and relaxed. Kiyo loved it because everyone pampered him. I loved it because it was a precious vacation. I took a sip of my wine and smiled.
After dinner, we decided to go to a bar. I wasn't particularly feeling very inclined to drink but the two were very convincing. Finally, we entered an extremely crowded bar. I swiftly followed Sasuke who brought us to a quiet corner. Once our drinks were served, Naruto looked at a drinking party happening downstairs and commented on it.
While I liked that he observed his surroundings, I didn't like him picking faults with it. After becoming his tutor, correcting him came naturally to me. Only I had to soften my blow so I used an example with Sasuke as the buffer. Naruto got the point and we dropped the matter there.
The conversation picked a minute later to safe territories and I sighed in relief. Sometime after my second beer, Naruto and Sasuke began acting like a comic duo as they said the most hilarious and absurd things. They were so in sync with each other that they felt more like brothers than Sasuke and me. I asked myself if I looked at Naruto the way I looked at Sasuke. It wasn't Naruto's brotherhood I wanted. It was his friendship. But right now, when I'd already received it, I wondered where I stood. I knew one thing for sure that he didn't see me as Sasuke's brother anymore. He never addressed me by it or called me onii-san. And I can't say it didn't bring me relief. And I can't say I was too happy about it. There was just a pinprick from my conscience each time I remembered it.
As far as Naruto was concerned, there was one thing I was extremely sure about. The cashmere gloves from before had proven a theory I kept refuting in the three months I've served as Naruto's tutor. Naruto had feelings for me. Romantic feelings. Feelings I didn't know how to react to. Feelings that made conflicted thoughts rise in my head. It was there in how he touched a page on his book exactly where I'd touched. It was there in how he sometimes looked at me. It was there in how he always made an effort to dress nicely. It was there in the subtle cologne he wore. It was a smell I'd liked from the get-go but I never told him about it. For some reason, putting that out in words would only add fuel to this fire. But it was hard to not see and unsee. It was hard to withdraw and keep a distance. It was hard not to like being the object of his attention. It was hard not to see him and think if he wanted to kiss me.
But having romantic feelings and sexual urges were two different things. Naruto looked like he had romantic interest but he didn't look like he had any sexual interest. Not that I wanted him to make a move or anything. In fact, with how open Naruto was with his praises, I'd just thought there was a lot of admiration to my knowledge. I accepted that. His body language too was friendly but not weird. He never crossed a line or entered my personal space. Maybe that's why I was so inclined to not say anything about his feelings. I didn't want what we had, what we were having to become awkward. I didn't want to break this flow I had with him, both inside and outside of his education. Yes, there were still those delicious tingles from sudden contact but I assumed it was just the blond man's nervousness rubbing off me or the suddenness of the moment. Nothing more, nothing less. It was the only explanation. There was no other meaning to it. I'd only let myself react the first time.
While my dreams about Naruto increased both in intensity and the colors of Naruto's t-shirts, I conceded that it was his interest in me that had this physical effect. I didn't physically have a reaction to Naruto not consciously, at least. And I thought I was safe with that. While emotional attachment plays a vital role in any relationship, physical intimacy does too. And my likeness towards Naruto, a man, had not gone that far, yet.
As a result, I didn't physically react to Naruto till the night when I first thought if he wanted to kiss me. My curiosity manifested itself in a dream that involved all my past dreams so vividly, I felt like I was physically there. Needless to say, waking up to ruined underpants at my age was an embarrassment I don't ever want to relive. Nothing had ever made me go this far. I sighed heavily as I thought of the dream I had the night before. A dream that involved those sparkling blue eyes I could now read like the back of my hand and blond hair in so close proximity, I felt like I could still imagine the feel of his skin. I had to laugh when I looked down and there stood my reaction to these thoughts proudly in my underwear.
Sasuke broke my train of thought when he stood up to use the restroom. My pulse sped up when those same blue eyes looked up at me. "Please stop looking at me," my voice betrayed me when the words came out as a low mumble. I trained my eyes on my glass and wiped a stray droplet. I should say it, I thought. I needed to say it. I straightened and regarded him. But words died in my throat when he lifted his hand and pushed my hair from my face. He tucked the lock gently behind my ear and regarded me. Every nerve ending inside me stood taut. Those delicious tingles danced in my veins. My body tensed as desire pooled in. He swiftly moved his hand to my chin and cupped it gently. If I could, I would have pushed his hand away. It wasn't a friendly touch. Heat lanced from his fingers to my skin as his eyes dipped down to my mouth. I realized how dry my lips were. I wet them to remedy this. I'd never been this tuned to anyone's body this much. His head came forward till I could feel his breath on my face. I'd thought about where his likeness went and I was getting my answer. Only I wanted a more tangible proof of his feelings for me. I wanted him to kiss me. I wanted it. I burned for it. I craved it. Maybe then the dreams that drove me mad would end. I wanted to kiss him to end this cycle.
Had it not been for a disturbance behind us, maybe just maybe I'd have that curiosity sated. I'd have known. But when we hastily moved away, more than relief, regret poured in. He regrouped almost instantly as he smiled a fake smile. I clicked my tongue in anger and shook my head.
Sasuke returned and with him returned the normalcy I sought. This was troublesome. This was very troublesome.
Maybe it was the alcohol getting to my brain quickly, but now, even after four beers I was still not okay. For some reason, I still wanted to kiss Naruto.
Sane or insane, this feeling refused to vanish.
If Mother and Father thought I was weird during New Years, they didn't say anything. Obito and his wife Rin came over on the second of January, bearing gifts and Sasuke's irritated exclamation of "More mochi?" he'd only guffawed while I smacked Sasuke hard on the back. Mother looked humiliated. Rin laughed freely. It was so typically mundane, it was cute.
It was something that I bet Naruto would have enjoyed too. I could picture him sitting under the kotatsu. He would read manga or read to Kiyoshi while Father and I watched. Occasionally, Sasuke would strike up a conversation with him or invite him for a walk. Sometimes Naruto would agree. Sometimes he'd refuse to part from the kotatsu. Father would definitely agree. Mother would treat him to the finest of Japanese cuisine while Father would secretly get jealous. I'd laugh at all this of course when I watched him lazing around. His long legs would be folded and would brush against mine. And me? What would I be thinking when I watched him? How would I be seeing him? Which part of the puzzle would he be?
After the almost kiss, I'd promised myself I wouldn't think of him. But little snippets of him just came at the most random time. I brushed it away as I poured them some tea. Obito and Rin spent the whole day playing with Kiyoshi. I wondered how they never grew tired of it. Kiyoshi climbed all over Obito's body, hitting and pinching him everywhere while Rin laughed.
I helped Mother prepare a simple dinner and burnt my fingers twice in the process till Mother chucked me out. I wandered around and wondered if Naruto was having a blast on his vacation. Hokkaido would be insanely cold in January. All the Instagram updates I'd seen over Sasuke's shoulder in passing involved outdoor activity. He looked like he was having fun. I wondered if Naruto would have enjoyed it here the same. He'd have fit right in as he charmed the daylights of both Mother and Rin. Father too would like him. I looked down at my son seated in my lap telling Obito about his visit to the aquarium and thought maybe he'd like Naruto too. Rin would laugh cutely at something he said. I wondered what face Obito would make. That random thought caused me to burst out laughing, spewing some rice, causing everyone to pause on the table and look at me. Kiyoshi pulled the edge of my sleeve and shook it. "Daddy are you okay?" he asked.
I blinked once, then twice and quickly wiped my mouth. "Yes my darling," I kissed the side of his head and smiled at him. Then I turned to address my family. "Sorry," I intoned quietly. I picked up my bowl of rice and shoved some into my mouth, refusing to meet anyone's eyes.
"You okay? What was that about?" Sasuke asked, his face was split in glee.
"I was imagining these chopsticks up your nose," I replied silkily.
Obito laughed while Sasuke huffed. "What the hell did I do?"
Befriend Naruto.
Obito interrupted my ominous thought. "I want to see that now," Obito laughed like a hyena. Kiyoshi imitated him immediately as they laughed at Sasuke.
"You're all so mean to me," he pouted at Kiyoshi who's the softest to melt. Sasuke is Kiyoshi's favorite without a doubt. They're both partial to each other to a fault.
Immediately, Kiyoshi imitated the pout. "Don't be mean, Daddy." he said sternly, turning to me and pouting at me.
I was pissed.
I was mean?
Mean was Sasuke. Naruto's friend. Someone who got unlimited time with Naruto unlike me who only had the tutoring sessions while he got both. Mean was Sasuke who was constantly on his phone, checking Naruto's Instagram right in front of me. I'd noticed it more than a dozen times by now. It irked me even though I don't use Instagram. Mean was this relationship we'd built where we almost locked lips but refused to text each other beyond the normal stiff texts. Mean was the thought that my little brother got to enjoy the company of a man I waited to see. Mean was the fact that I was still being treated like Sasuke's elder brother. Mean was this unneeded association called Uchiha Sasuke.
It was not me who was mean. But what could I say to my three-year-old? I smiled at him. "Sorry," I looked sharply at Sasuke. "I just got carried away."
Sasuke and Obito both looked at me strangely. "Seems like it."
Sasuke furrowed his eyebrows and gave me another look.
I quickly turned my eyes away.
Regardless of what it seemed like, I was relieved at the fact that there was no mention of Naruto.
If Sasuke were to even get wind of my thoughts… my blood ran cold.
What the hell was wrong with me?
After dinner Shisui joined us for drinks. He even bought a huge bottle of sake for Father. I'd finally managed to get Kiyo to bed and joined them only once I'd ensured he was fast asleep. We sat around the kotatsu and chugged down the sake Shisui brought. It was a brand I was quite fond of so I drank freely. To my left, Obito sipped from his sake cup and looked at me. The dark thoughts that were bubbling up inside me, made me drink more than I should. Father raised his eyes and peered at me from over his classical novel. "You're drinking too fast Itachi. Pace yourself," his voice was laced with concern. After years of only being a father, that day I felt like a son. But I was also the eldest son, so I just shook my head and raised my cup.
"I'm just enjoying my vacation Father."
Father eyed me for a second more but raised his cup. Everyone else followed suit. "To vacations," we said and we toasted. It was mundane in its finest. But I couldn't enjoy it. My mind kept wanting to fit Naruto in this scene.
We drank for a little while before Father retired for the night.
Beside me, Sasuke began telling Obito and Shisui all about Naruto and I took another sip. I didn't want to listen to him. Sasuke's blatant worshipping of Naruto irritated me. Hadn't he just blabbed the same story to our parents three days ago?
Mean was Sasuke's free use of Naruto's name while I couldn't. Mean was the feeling I got as if he was poking a wound. Mean was Sasuke.
At length, Sasuke left the room to receive a call. I poured some more sake in my cup and drank it in one go. The sake was as bitter as my mood. Obito nudged me lightly on the shoulder. "All good?" he asked.
I looked at him irritated. Why were people asking me the same question? I was doing what everyone was doing. I was listening to people tell tales. I was enjoying my son having the time of his life. Then what was wrong? "Why does everyone keep asking me the same question? Yeah, all's good. Why?" I forced my tone to get lighter. I didn't want to pick a fight with Obito but why was I so irritated?
"You've just been strange today. You zoned out completely before you laughed. I know no one else's going to tell you this, but they're worrying about your weird behavior. Mikoto-san told me how you burnt your fingers at dinner."
Shisui burst out laughing at that pricking my ire. Obito fought a laugh as he put his arm around me. "Seeing someone?"
Both of them smiled at each other.
Naruto's face surged to the forefront in the fraction of a second. Sake burnt what little common sense I had left. "I don't know." It was all the honesty I could deliver.
"Why? Is she not interested?" Shisui wanted to know.
I shook my head.
No, that was not the case at all. The problem was that Naruto was interested. And his interest had opened a window inside me. My curiosity in wanting to know a man had morphed into something else. It wasn't that simple. Yes I was interested. But was my interest sexual? The night at the bar along with the million tingles I'd felt resurfaced. I wanted to kiss him back then. I acknowledged that. But what after? What did I want?
Obito misunderstood my silence for something else. "Is there a reason you can't be together?" he asked, leaning down and looking worried. "Is she married?" he pressed.
I laughed. "That would have been better," I bent down and pressed my forehead against the table.
They laughed. "Why? You seeking some thrill?" Shisui pushed his face closer.
I pushed his face away, laughing loudly. "If only it were that simple!" I rolled my eyes at him.
Obito gasped dramatically. "Becoming someone's dirty little secret is a simple thrill for you?" he looked at me disappointed while Shisui eyed me with shock. "My little Itachi, just who was it that corrupted you this much? Was it Kakashi? Did he ruin my once pure cousin? Should I go break his legs?"
I kicked him playfully. "Shut up!"
Obito grinned before putting down his cup. "No but really, what's complicating it? Lay it on me, I'll listen to everything," he volunteered like a gentleman.
"Me too," Shisui chimed in.
"You're totally getting off on this, aren't you?" I asked them, slightly miffed.
"Yes." They didn't even look ashamed. "So what is it? Is she dirt-poor? Does she have any fatal disease? Is she your half-sister?" Shisui gasped dramatically, glancing at Obito with worry, making me hit him.
"You really think my life is a soap opera, don't you?" I glared at him.
"Soap operas are stagnant, so maybe yes." Obito didn't even mince his words.
"My life is not stagnant, okay? I chose this pace and I'm loving it."
"Are you scared it'll change things?" Shisui prodded me some more.
I tapped my head twice on the table. "It will change everything. But that's not why I don't want it."
"Then what's holding you back? Tell me quickly," Obito shook my arm and spoke like a child.
My own flesh and blood.
"You won't understand even if I did." I waved it away.
"Does she like you?" Shisui asked me.
I nodded. I knew he liked me. "I think so."
"Then what's the problem with a little romance?" he asked me. "I mean you're a free man now," the two chuckled.
"It's more complicated than that."
"Do you like her?" Obito asked.
"I don't know," I moaned as I shook my feet agitatedly under the kotatsu. "I like spending time with him. I like talking to him. I love his little gestures and smiles. But…beyond that, I don't know." I banged my head against the table softly. "Besides, I love my life right now. I don't want a little romance."
"You don't look like someone who's loving it. For three years, you've done nothing but live for others. It's time you lived a little." Shisui took a sip and commented drolly.
I wanted to punch him. "I can't do it, okay?"
"Is it because of Kiyoshi?" Obito asked me.
"A little," I confessed. Naruto may like me but would he like my son too? Kiyoshi was definitely a factor. "But there are other more important things. I can't put it to words right now. Just know that it can't happen." My words sounded absolute.
But Obito and Shisui just wouldn't let it go.
Obito took a deep breath. "Why? Because it would lead you to start hating yourself for loving someone else? Listen, marriage changes things but it's not always for good. If it didn't work out between you and her then it didn't. You can't keep beating yourself up for what happened with her." He'd got it all wrong. My entire journey to Naruto had been about me. I didn't once think of the shambles my ex-wife had left.
"That's not the problem Obito. It's not about my ex-wife."
"Then what is it?" Shisui asked, looking troubled.
He was Sasuke's friend. He was just here for a year. He drove me absolutely insane. He was a man. He was Sasuke's friend. The reasons played in a loop in my head.
"He's only here for a limited time." Once Naruto went back, how would I be? What would I be thinking? Moreover, did I want to give this a try? Fundamentally, I knew I'd be a little sad after he left. I liked him a lot as a person after all. Wouldn't I be relieved that I could finally get rid of this obsession? My heart thudded painfully.
But Shisui thought otherwise. "Then it's all the better! You can have a nice time while she's here and say your goodbyes without regrets. Isn't that the most ideal?" he stroked his chin thoughtfully, looking smug.
I hadn't thought of that. Rational me agreed with what Shisui said. It made sense to just see where my feelings were leading me. Maybe then I could really wave and say my goodbyes to him. It was inevitable after all. And who knew, maybe before that, I'd finally manage to snap out of it and come back to my senses. Maybe if it'd been someone else in that scenario, I'd have considered it. For some reason, the fact that it was Naruto, held me back.
Somehow moments with Naruto always felt like they'd last a lifetime. I'd never thought about being away from him. I couldn't bring myself to imagine something so devastating. It was funny how I'd known him such a short while and assumed he'd be a part of my life forever. I didn't know for how long he intended to continue his classes, but the tuition was a permanent link in our otherwise temporary companionship. If I were to take this forward and if he were to decline, I was scared of losing this link. Too much weighed on this link. Hence, even if I was to stay as his eternal tutor, it was still better than the fear of an abrupt abortion of the one thing that now connected Naruto and me.
"Still a no."
Obito let out a murderous sigh. "I don't get what the issue is! I mean you like her and she likes you. Shouldn't that be enough? If you want to date her then date her. What's holding you back?"
Sasuke. Kiyoshi. My entire upbringing.
"Everything," I'd whispered at last.
"It's a very lucky thing to have your feelings returned Itachi. Don't waste this." Shisui said it quietly.
"Don't you get it? That's what scares me. What will I do if I don't want this to end when he leaves?" I burst out in anger.
Obito smacked me on the back of my head. "Then you can just think about it when the time comes! Why waste an opportunity?"
I refilled my cup and drank it in one go, considering his words in my current mulled state of mind. But the more I considered his words, the more it began to make sense.
Maybe I could?
"I think I'm going to call it a night," I said moving to stand. My phone was in my room and I wanted it immediately.
I was going to do it. I was going to call Naruto and talk. I wanted to hear his voice. It felt imperative that I did. Wobbling terribly, I walked towards my room.
"I think he'll say yes," Sasuke's voice stopped me in my tracks. My ears perked up. I walked closer. Sasuke was smoking on the veranda while talking on the phone. I knew he smoked. I'd commented on it a time too many but he didn't show any signs of quitting.
He laughed uncharacteristically and flicked some ash. I wondered who he was talking to. Was it Naruto?
"Shut up!" he complained, blowing out some smoke. "It's not that bad, you know."
"You know how I feel," Sasuke's voice dropped and with it dropped my heartbeat. It wasn't a voice I'd heard him use before. It was soft and shy.
I didn't intend to eavesdrop but my feet refused to move. He chuckled at whatever the person said and put out his cigarette. "After the holidays, I'll confess."
My heartbeat slowed in that moment of silence. Like that one second of premonition you get before a disaster. "Yeah. I'll tell Naruto I like him. And I think he'll say yes."
Boom! It went.
The dots connected so fast that I only had time to open the toilet door and kneel before I threw up.
The maybe Obito and Shisui had opened doors to, had just slammed shut with a never.
Mean was Sasuke.
The rest of the vacation became pure hell. Sasuke's words forced me to see the things I'd overlooked earlier. Now everything was making so much sense, it was frightening. Sasuke's voice, mannerism, his entire body changed when he spoke of Naruto. In fact, he looked exactly how Naruto looked when he gazed at me sometimes. It was the point that made me realize Naruto's feelings. Then how could I have skipped it when it was staring at me so blatantly in the face? I felt like I'd been blind all along. And now I could see the reason why. Naruto was a friendly and open person. Maybe all the things I was beginning to think were special were not that at all. I'd only seen Naruto and Sasuke interact with the capacity of an outsider but what if he shared the same smiles, the same gestures with Sasuke too or all of his other friends for that matter? Maybe I fell into the same category. But then what about the time in the bar? We did almost kiss. Was it because he was drunk? But his eyes were clear and he even made no attempt at pretending to be drunk. I gasped loudly while vacuuming as a darker thought took shape in my head. What if he'd thought I was Sasuke? What if he liked Sasuke too?
It hurt to think like this now. I'd gone three months dissecting his feelings. Admitting that maybe the Naruto who made me feel special treated everyone the same way was admitting my misjudgment of him. Not at this point. Not when I was beginning to admit to my own feelings for him. And I didn't want to do that. Try as I might, I couldn't convince myself of it.
But what did that change? Did it change the truth of my brother's feelings towards the same person? Come what may, this thread that connected me to Naruto was held firmly in the same brother's hand. No matter what happened when Sasuke confessed, I automatically knew whose side I was on. I'd been doing that all my life. What else could I do?
Because now this had changed everything. After the conversation at New Years, I'd truly felt like I could have done something. I considered the eavesdropping incident as a miracle. It had solved my problem. Now all that remained was to put a lid on these feelings once and for all. I thought of a million things from letting these classes continue to ending this link with my own hands. If I let the classes continue then I'd probably have to wallow in this miserable attraction. But if I terminated our classes, it would sting a little but maybe I could let it go.
The worst was that throughout the holidays seeing Sasuke's face made me angry. I was beginning to resent him with profound passion. And each time I did, guilt and shame filled me up, choking me like I was under water.
There were two particular instances where this hatred intensified and burst. The first was when Sasuke skipped his duty to wash the dishes after lunch. He left me alone to do them just because he had something important to do.
My hand almost shot out to stop him and do his work but I swallowed it down.
The second didn't go down this smoothly.
Yesterday, Sasuke brushed lightly against me to walk past to his room. He held an ice-cream in his hand. The same ice-cream I'd been saving for later. I'd even hidden it from everyone. A drop of it splattered near my foot and it broke something inside me. I smacked him at the back of his head with more force than I'd intended. I didn't know where this hostility came from. "Can you be a little careful Sasuke?" I asked him rudely, pointing to the vacuum cleaner in my hand. "Can't you see I'm cleaning?"
Sasuke frowned as he put the ice-cream in his mouth. "Sorry," he muttered carelessly and began moving towards the door.
"Clean it up," I stopped him and handed him the cleaner.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" Sasuke asked me, genuinely angry. He refused to take the cleaner. Mother came in to enquire. I was glad Kiyoshi was asleep.
I should have reeled it in. I should have held it back. But I was furious. "I said clean it up!"
Sasuke looked once at Mother who first looked at me and then at Sasuke. "Go clean it up Sasuke," she said to him sternly before moving away. He only rolled his eyes before he cleaned up the dropped ice-cream with a couple of tissues.
Once he trashed the tissue papers he'd used, he turned to me. "I don't get what your problem is. You've been really weird these vacations. And since the past two days, you've been treating me like shit. What did I do?"
Have feelings for Naruto.
I exhaled loudly. "Nothing. You may go now."
Sasuke put his hands on his waist and glared at me. "No really. I want to know."
"Sorry, I've just been a little…tired. It's nothing okay."
Sasuke made an angry sound and turned to leave. "I don't know what's bothering you but if you want to talk, just know that I'm here to listen.
Oh Sasuke, if you could only hear!
I was scared. In that one moment of anger, I finally knew what I was feeling. I feared what was to come. What if Sasuke confessed to Naruto and he said yes?
What then?
I opened the shop very reluctantly on Monday. Walking to my desk made me think of the days when I'd eagerly wait for Naruto. Did he know I liked him? Had he figured it out? I'd given nothing away. From the moment, he'd stepped into my shop, I was too engrossed him trying to figure him out. When his feelings had registered, my own were not too far behind to follow suit. But now that things had changed, I'd made my choice.
I was too scared of picking up my phone and calling him. I needed to do that to put an end to our connection. It was the only plausible way I could end this misery filling my chest. But the greedy me wanted to postpone this for as long as I could, despite knowing that doing that would only delay the inevitable. Either way, these classes would have to end. It was the least I could do for Sasuke's sake, regardless of the result of the confession. Instead, I waited for Naruto to come to me. This conversation had to be done face-to-face. I could allow myself at least that.
When most of the day passed with no show of Naruto, another feeling pricked. I longed to see him. My day was filled with me seated on my desk, glancing hopefully at the glass doors each time they opened. The wave of disappointment at seeing someone else and not Naruto burnt like acid just the same each turn. So imagine my surprise when I looked up to find him stepping into the store behind Kiba. He stopped shyly by the counter and smiled up at me.
The person who once filled me with unlimited elation made me feel like I was being sucked into a vortex of endless despair. I wanted to see him and yet I didn't want to see him so soon. The longing I felt throughout the vacation manifested at once. I wanted him alone. This distraction of the friend needed to go. So I prioritized. I sent Kiba towards the storage space and returned with limbs that shook.
He smiled a smile I had now considered mine. "Happy New Year, Itachi-sama," he bowed charmingly.
It was impossible to not let his warmth in. Yes I was going to drop the axe on this link. But I'd do it the next time I saw him. I could at least take that day. Just one perfect day with Naruto. That was all I wanted in that moment. This normalcy between us.
After we exchanged pleasantries, he pulled out a huge paper bag and handed it to me. "It's a little, boring something…" he said while grinning at me. I caught my chuckle behind my hand but accepted his packet with a bow. He went into a few details of his trip and I listened with interest, lost in his attention to detail. I'd never been to Hokkaido in January but Naruto's description made me feel like I could understand what he said. His flair for communication sucked me in.
"I've decided what I'm going to go with…" Kiba interrupted the moment we were having. It felt good to see Naruto as perturbed as me. "Is everything okay?" he eyed the two of us suspiciously.
Naruto immediately moved and together they disappeared once again in the storage unit. I let them go. I needed to get my bearings together. Did Kiba think we were being weird? This unease was new to me. This discomfort that stuck to my throat making swallowing impossible was not something I had experienced before.
When they took too long, I couldn't take it anymore. The camera footage showed them standing too close to each other and I'd snapped. Naruto immediately came to stand beside me and sanity returned. Kiba showed me his selection and I made him fill the paperwork as fast as I could. He then glanced at his phone and then at me. "Ah, I have plans with my friends so I'll get going. I've already told Naruto." He bowed and left.
I returned to the storage unit only to see Naruto standing beside my favorite shelf, stroking it lovingly. I wondered how those hands would feel on my skin. "It's beautiful, isn't it?" Naruto looked startled as he glanced at me. His ears went red as he quickly withdrew his hand from the shelf. "It's okay," I reassured him softly as I touched the side panel. I confessed that I knew about his fondness for it. "It's actually my favorite too."
Naruto smiled at that. It was that soft smile which made him brighten. It made my chest squeeze hard. Our moments alone brought out the elation that ran in my blood each time I was with him. I wanted this man. I wanted moments like this. And the more I stayed under this spell, the deeper I'd be. I'd made my choice. I couldn't back away from it now.
In between the slip-up involving Kiba, I'd finally decided.
There was no time better than now. The longer this waited, the worse my feelings would get.
"Would you like to accompany me for a walk?" I asked him, keeping my tone as normal as possible. He nodded immediately.
Once done with locking up, I put on the gloves he gave me for Christmas. I wanted him to know that his show of kindness didn't go to waste. That I was using them. I wanted him to know I thought of him too. I wanted him to know how grateful I was for the thoughtfulness of his gift.
He smiled that smile again in return.
"Shall we have our class in formal Japanese right now?" We'd started with this; it was only fair that our grand finale should also be like this. The class was routine. He spoke of his travels and I listened. He was unconsciously adding a samurai flair to it. It reminded me of a Showa movie I'd seen where this haughty lady falls in love with a warlord. The Showa lady sprang out of me by surprise as I covered my mouth and batted my eyelashes at him.
He only cleared his throat and went with the flow. We walked and talked till he began trying too hard making holding back my laughter extremely difficult. He was cute to a fault. We walked till we reached the park near the university. I recalled the endless nights I used to come here to the extent that I had my spot here. It was my favorite place.
"My! My! Looks like we've walked quite far, huh?" the Showa lady who'd taken over me spoke.
"Why Itachi-sama! Time is not of the essence," and then he bent down in the middle of the park and brushed his lips across my gloved hands. My heart stopped with a thud. Happiness that had no business here filled every atom inside me. He looked around and where we were registered. But I didn't care. The gesture dissolved the tightness in my chest. The window that had slammed shut on my maybe creaked open a little. I wanted all the things I'd imagined with this man. He long legs fit snugly beside me under the kotatsu came to mind.
This was bad. This was really, really bad.
I was not here to find more reasons to hold on to him. I was here to say my goodbyes to him. I was here to deliver the death blow to my potential romance with Naruto. Instinctively I knew it was my only opportunity.
I smoothed things over and brought him to my spot in the park. I was nervous. I'd never brought anyone here. Not even my ex-wife. But with Naruto I just felt like he had to see this. He had to be here for when we parted. It was the perfect stage, really. I walked up to the white bench and took my seat on it. I patted the remaining space and looked at him. He smiled sweetly before he sat. I pointed to the front and he took it all in. "There, that stained glass window," he pointed it out to me and I nodded. It was my favorite thing to gaze at too. "It's beautiful," his sincere words break that little sliver of resolve. My insides were pinpricks of pain. It had only been three months and I felt like I was going to have to part with someone I'd known all my life.
I gazed at the water. "This is my favorite place. I've never brought anyone here," I smiled at him.
He looked at me for a long moment. It was the same look he'd give me when we were together. The very start of this realization I stood on. He looked at me like I was the only person in the world. His blue eyes shined like dark sapphires when they looked into mine. "I like you," he whispered it. It was just like him, spontaneous. He looked surprised for the fraction of a second before he turned towards the water.
The weight of the feelings I'd been carrying since New Years crashed on me in an instant. I gasped at the confession. I'd always thought he'd never confess. That he'd be scared to. Our reasons were the same. He turned back from the water and looked at me. These were words I longed to hear. Words that made that window fly open again inside me. My maybe was nothing compared to this.
My head moved of its own volition. "I know," I said.
"Why didn't you say anything? Does it disgust you?" he didn't hide the hurt that rose in his voice. It hurt me to think that Naruto could have assumed I'd judge him.
I met his eyes. I wanted him to know I'd never do something like this. I wanted him to know my truth. So I told him. "I had my doubts. But then you confirmed them at the party before you left for Hokkaido. And no, I'm not repelled." I lowered my voice. "I'm not repelled at all." I was telling this to myself. "And that is a problem." I looked out at the water.
"Why?" if Naruto fought to hide the hope he felt, he didn't make good progress. But sadly I'd made my choice. Regardless of his confession, this was goodbye. Sasuke was going to confess soon. And the confession had just confirmed my worst fears. I wanted to leave him with my truth. All of it. I wanted this man to know the person he liked. He'd deserved it. So I started with my family. He listened to me talk about Kaede, my ex-wife and Kiyoshi my son. For once, I didn't want to look at the expressions on his face. Maybe I didn't have the courage to know what he thought. "We divorced a year after Kiyoshi was born." I summarized it with the efficiency of a professional.
Naruto failed to hide his surprise when the dots connected, giving me a fleeting moment of lightness. And then he swept my feet off the ground with, "He has your eyes," he said in an awe-filled voice.
I smiled. Of all the things he could take from my story, he focused on my son. It was so much him that I wanted to hug him. "I know. He's the center of my world." I looked down as guilt rose. "He was supposed to have been till you showed up in my shop, all wide-eyed and so helplessly you that I felt my world shift."
"You like me too." If I thought he shined before, I take that back. He glowed with happiness when he looked at me. This naïve, hopeless optimist, didn't even know what was coming.
I rewind and told him all about my feelings. It felt like I was trying to purge myself of this disease called Uzumaki Naruto. I didn't mince my words. From the mild curiosity to the need to seek validation from him. He now knew shades of me which were dirty and ugly. He could think of me as a lonely man who liked attention and I'd be okay with that. For some reason, I knew he wouldn't jump to that conclusion. It was the last time we'd see each other. The thought brought fear and fear brought anger. I balled my hands into tight fists. At that moment, I think I hated the situation more than him.
He just took my fist and opened each finger methodically before he clasped my hand and rested our hands on my thigh. Soft tingles traveled from our point of contact down to my thigh and back. I'd never done this before. I'd never emptied myself like this. Years of strict upbringing, the weight of expectations and responsibilities were bottled inside me. The difference between right and wrong, normal and abnormal were deep set. It wasn't like I was alright with the involvement of my feelings with Naruto. But that didn't stop me from wanting these feelings nevertheless.
I told him what I hated about liking him. I told him what I liked about liking him. His smile kept growing with each word and hit its crescendo. "Why didn't you tell me about your feelings or give me a sign?"
How could I?
Now that I knew the truth, I knew what I had to do. I looked at the water and Naruto felt it too because he straightened. "I wasn't planning on telling you, ever."
"Why" he asked, guessing the reason from the get-go. Only, my innocent man-child was worried about his friendship. We bickered for a second. I guessed he still didn't know. I wanted to give him a teaser of what was to come. It wasn't spite or anger or even jealousy at my brother that made me say what I said next. "That gaze is the fucking problem, Naruto-kun." I forced myself to relax. It wasn't my place to tell him by a long mile. Sasuke's feelings were Sasuke's. And I'd never in a million years have told anyone. But Naruto wasn't anyone. He was Naruto.
Naruto sensed it. Whether it was my body language that gave it away or my voice but he could see what was coming. His gut had told him already. There was no need for a pomp and show anymore. "That's because I've seen Sasuke gaze at you the same way." The death blow to my feelings was delivered with the nonchalance of an uninterested outsider.
Denial was his first attempt at coping with the truth. His blue eyes sincerely fought the thoughts that rose. It made me chuckle. He stuttered and I carefully chose my goodbye. "I'm flattered that you feel that way for me Naruto-kun, but Sasuke brought me back from the fantasy I was weaving. Sasuke and Kiyoshi are my world and I'd rather die than break my brother's heart."
Even if it ripped out my own in the process.
Protest was Naruto's second attempt. I wasn't listening anymore. "We will never talk about this."
He was willing to go on his knees and beg. I couldn't look at his face anymore. If I had, then I knew I'd give in at once. We argued some more. "You won't tell him anything." My words were absolute. Sasuke was never going to know about this. Never.
"Oh? Try me," Challenging me was his third.
I was prepared for this. I knew how much he thrived on his competitive nature. "You tell him and you'll never see me again." My voice was silky when I launched that threat.
He exhaled loudly. "Why did you confess to me?" he whispered and I could hear the sadness in his tone.
I knew he knew. And I knew why he asked. "You know why," I looked at him sharply.
"Because, Naruto-kun, I had no intentions of pursuing this from the start." Lie.
"Then why did you tell me?" he lashed out brokenly.
Because it was the only way I could let you go.
I wanted him to take my feelings for him with himself when he left. I wanted him to leave nothing of his behind. "I'm sorry Naruto-kun. Let's pretend this never happened."
"I can't do this," the man seated beside me fought for control.
At least we were on the same page about this. "Yes, you can. We can."
I moved to leave but he held my hand. "Don't go, please!" he begged.
I looked into his eyes, towards the endless pools of sadness. I wanted to bend down and kiss him but instead all I could manage was, "You'll be alright."
And then I walked away slamming the maybe window and nailing it shut.
That was it.
The end.
I walked excitedly down the road near the university. I could see Naruto in the distance. He wore his white jacket and underneath he wore his orange t-shirt. Happiness filled me when he saw me and smiled. "Itachi-sama!" he waved excitedly.
I raised my hand and opened my mouth but no words flowed out. Nothing came out of my mouth because standing beside Naruto with his hand tightly clasped in the blond man's was my little brother. They looked at each other and laughed excitedly before Sasuke leaned forward and kissed Naruto.
I began walking faster, running even to end this distance but no matter how fast I walked or ran, the distance didn't shorten. Frustrated, I held out a hand to grab him. He was only centimeters away from my fingers. I grappled for his jacket, anything. But my hand only met with cold air. Frustrated, I opened my mouth to take his name again when I tripped and I was falling, falling…
It had been a month since the confession. My dreams of orange had now morphed to monotonous nightmares of eternal heartbreak.
I woke up to light tapping on my cheek and squelched the darkness inside. Opening my eyes, I smiled immediately when Kiyo jumped on my chest, effectively stealing my breath and making me woozy. I picked him up and put him beside me. "Daddy breakfast! Quickly!" he yanked on my t-shirt and looked impatient. "I'm hungry," he patted his tummy and pouted.
I sat up and forced myself to take a deep breath. "One second," I said, smiling at him. I lifted him up and seated him on my lap. "Good morning," I tousled his hair and he touched my cheek.
"Daddy are you alright?" he asked.
Children were sensitive to people's feelings. Maybe Kiyo could see through me. He'd been asking me this question a lot. I smiled when I nodded at him.
"Yes! Daddy is alright." I kissed the top of his head making me giggle cutely. Amidst all this agony and misery, there was a light keeping me going. I held him to me and breathed him in before letting him go. "Alright! What's our little Kiyo in the mood for?" I asked him, tickling him playfully. He let out a loud chuckle before flaying his arms around. "Should Daddy make you some tamagoyaki?" I asked, tickling him some more. He squealed delightfully before promptly kicking me on the face.
"Tamagoyaki!" he repeated grinning excitedly and nodding enthusiastically.
"Sweet or savory," I asked, turning towards the table where Kiyo sat.
"Sweet!" he said instantly, making me laugh.
"Savory for me," Sasuke said as he towards the dining table. He grabbed a seat and leaned back to close his eyes. I was worried immediately. Had he confessed already? The fear emerged accompanied by that irrational anger I felt when I saw Sasuke.
"Sweet it is," I said, scooping some sugar and adding it to the eggs.
Sasuke clicked his tongue in annoyance while Kiyo giggled, making me laugh.
Sasuke was immediately pissed. He stood up and walked to lean against the counter next to me. I looked up to find him glancing once at Kiyo before returning to glare at me. "Why are you angry with me?" he asked.
"I'm not," I said, carefully rolling up the eggs before cutting them.
"Yes you are! Since New Years you've been treating me like shit."
I turned towards Kiyoshi. "Who forgot to brush their teeth?" Kiyoshi immediately slapped a hand over his mouth and ran in the direction of the bathroom. Then I turned to Sasuke. "I'm sorry," I managed to let out. He had no part in my feelings for Naruto. I could not even blame him for killing mine. I'd done that with my own two hands. What would this anger achieve now?
"So you do admit you were treating me terribly. Why? What did I do?" his frustrated tone broke into sadness as he leaned forward and rested his head on my shoulder. And then he began crying. Immediately I put my arms around him and patted his back. I moved to the dining table and sat him down. Thankfully, Kiyo was still in the bathroom.
"What's wrong?" I asked him gently, even though a part of me already knew what it was.
"Naruto turned me down," he said, sobbing quietly now.
"Naruto?" I asked, thinking that was the correct answer to give. "You like Naruto?" I asked him.
His eyes grew bigger when he realized his own admission. Then he looked at me with steely resolve. I'd seen those eyes. Does it disgust you? Those eyes seemed to say, their guard harder than an iron wall. I shook my head to clear the air. Come what may, I'd never judge him for that. "Yes," he said in a small voice. He rubbed his face agitatedly. "I have since the moment I saw him. But he…" Sasuke looked down at his hands and wiped some more tears. "He said he's never seen me like that. He even promised to prioritize me over everything but it just hurts so much." He looked up at me and began crying again. "I never stood a chance Itachi," Sasuke wailed loudly.
His cries felt like whips against my heart. My brother was crying because of me. Regardless of the choice I'd made, no one was happy.
And all I could do was pat Sasuke's back with a guilt that crushed my insides.
I was the reason why both Sasuke and Naruto were miserable. I was the reason why I was miserable. "It's okay. You'll get over it." I murmured.
Maybe I will too.
Sitting at the dining table, I truly fought the urge to weep.
Kiyoshi pointed to a meat bun he absolutely had to eat. I ruffled his hair playfully before placing the order and taking out my wallet. Everywhere around me, Valentine's Day threatened to throw up. Pink decorations adorned every nook and cranny of the mall. I paid for the bun and my little tyke took it with a thanks. I bowed and turned to see a stall selling handmade chocolates. It was a fancy brand name. Naruto suddenly appeared in my mind and I immediately moved towards it and purchased a box.
Once I was holding my purchase I realized what I had done. I wasn't an impulsive buyer but that box had his name all over it. I didn't know how or if I was going to give them to him but I knew the box belonged to him.
Beside me Kiyo giggled as he enjoyed his bun.
I smoothed his hair and giggled back.
Valentine's Day felt like pure torture. I kept wondering if he'd come to see me. I kept hopelessly wishing he would. Our communication had become one-sided purely because I wasn't replying to him. I didn't know what to say. The excitement that surged Tuesdays and Fridays made me feel extra pathetic now. I missed Naruto. I missed him a lot. Especially today when each time I looked out at the street, I had the misfortune of watching couples pass. I wished the horrible feeling in my chest was envy. At least then, I could have hidden behind the excuse of being lonely. But it only served towards making me think of Naruto more.
After lunch, my hope skyrocketed. The book I had once loved now lay open like a convenient excuse. My eyes just kept flitting towards the glass doors but there was no sign of Naruto. By six o'clock I'd given up. He was not coming. He was not going to come. My heart thudded slowly when the disappointment hit. I was half-inclined to trash the chocolates in a fit of anger. And the funny thing was, the anger was so unjustified, it was crazy. It's not like we'd made plans. It wasn't like he was going to come again. My words were harsh when I'd turned him down. Would a person who was turned down the way he was, come running to the same person who rejected him? To start with, I was the one who'd cut ties so what was I waiting for?
After seven-thirty, I'd made my peace with it. I pulled open a drawer to get some work done when an index card fell out. I picked it up and fought the urge to crumple it. Uzumaki Naruto's neat handwriting stared back at me. Why wasn't he coming? Did he want me to make the first move? I slammed the drawer shut and banged my head against my book. My eyes went to my phone lying idly on the table. Should I just call him? Maybe text him? I contemplated it, wondering what I would say. Should I have called under the pretext of asking him if he was alright? Would he read too much into my words? Would he also be thinking of me? Was he also feeling the same misery?
Naruto, Naruto, Naruto…I missed him. I missed him terribly.
My eyes went to the glass doors even before they opened. Naruto stepped in holding a basket in his hand. My heart turned over when I took him in. He'd styled his hair and looked hotter than sin. If I'd ever had doubts about my physical attraction to him, they vanished when my fingers itched to touch. Tension crackled like a whip with every step he took in my direction. I utilized the time to take him in. And everything I saw was laying havoc on my brain. It kept malfunctioning from its chant of, 'Naruto is here,' to 'Naruto looks amazing.'
"Naruto-kun," it came out like an anguished breath when I stood up and moved round to stand in front of him.
"Itachi-sama," he whispered back and I felt giddy at hearing my name again is his voice. That magic around him was starting to affect me too. He lifted his arm and extended the basket towards me. "Happy Valentine's Day!"
I watched him helplessly, dying to just walk up to him and put my arms around him. I didn't care about the chocolates. I cared about him. I opened my mouth to tell him just that but he shook his head. "Before you say anything, I have something I want to say," he began and looked right into my eyes. "I like you. I know you said it can't be and I respect that decision. But it can't stop my decisions. It can't stop what I feel for you. There's only one person I want to give my love to. And this here," he said, lifting the basket once again towards me, "is proof of that." He finished. He pushed the basket into my hands. "If you think this is unnatural, you can treat them like obligatory chocolates. You can eat them, give them away, throw them, they're yours."
This naïve man-child! Didn't he know his presence alone here was proof of how he felt? I wasn't a man who made grand gestures or expected them. And Naruto's words felt like one. Happiness, relief and everything completely opposite to the horrible feeling I had in my chest, filled me. I broke into a smile that just wanted to convey everything I felt. The sheer jubilation of his presence today, this moment in which I felt weightless. I felt free. I felt loved.
I turned towards my desk and pulled out the box I'd bought for him. "Actually, I bought you chocolates too." I bit my lip when I saw the basket and the chocolates there. I wish I'd made him some. "I didn't really think about how I'd give them to you or whether I would." He looked into my eyes. "When I saw them, I immediately thought of you and-," I stopped myself from babbling further.
One second he was a step away from me and the next his mouth was on mine. The kiss fulfilled the curiosity that rose in my veins ever since the night at the bar. My dreams did not do justice to the way his lips felt when they took mine. I'd never kissed a man but in that moment, Naruto wasn't a man. He was a person I was mad about. This was beyond his gender now. In that moment it struck me. Naruto was Naruto. I leaned forward and pushed my tongue in his mouth, tasting him for the first time. Passion I always thought I lacked, burst forth. Kissing him felt good. Kissing him felt really, really good. I didn't want to stop.
He broke the kiss and I watched him pick up the box of chocolates, bow once and then leave. I didn't move a single muscle; I didn't call out to him or ask him to stay. Instead I watched him leave while my brain tried to process.
Naruto was a force of nature. And he'd already swept me away.
The proof of my attraction was enough to get me interested in the know-hows of how things went between men. It didn't take a genius to determine what went where but most of the resources I could tap into showed partners with somewhat fixed roles. Did Naruto have a fixed role too? Naruto looked like he didn't bottom for anyone. Did he expect me to?
I always dreamt of sex where I was the one putting it in. And even though I did have a couple of disturbing dreams where Naruto touched me in weird places, all it was all pure pleasure since it was a dream. I knew for a fact that it would hurt. Though I wasn't very comfortable with the idea of being penetrated, it wasn't to say I wasn't curious. Besides, fixed roles made sense in case of heterosexual couples where each had a specific function. But wouldn't it better to try both roles for partners of the same sex? My research had brought me to the knowledge of men and their possession of a prostate in their behind. Some of the bottom partners looked like they were actually enjoying it. It spiked my curiosity. But choosing to do it would actually take time and truckloads of preparation. Then again, I could always ask Naruto to bottom. Had Naruto bottomed for anyone before? I didn't want to know the answer. Which brought me to the question of would Naruto be willing to bend over? For me? I didn't know how to ask him without sounding like a complete jackass so I refrained. But one thing was for sure. I wanted to touch Naruto and I wanted to touch him desperately.
A large guy walked up to the counter and I rang his purchase. "When do you want it delivered?" I asked, quickly scanning his address. My heart picked up pace when I saw it was the same building as Naruto's. My mind raced as I fought all sorts of thoughts, all sorts of temptations at getting a chance to see him. Just how desperate was I? I'd never been like this. This impatient, this irritated, this horny. I bet the sexual frustration was rolling off me in waves.
"Tomorrow will work," the guy pocketed his receipt and replied.
"Will five o'clock be okay?" I asked, mentally scanning Naruto's schedule. My heart sank because it was a Sunday and I had absolutely no idea on how Naruto spent his. I wanted to know. I was going to know. I was going to go knock on his door and see if he was there. I didn't know what I would do, but if I didn't see him soon, I really was going to explode.
Wearing the cologne with my overalls was definitely weird. I was regretting it while sweating my delivery. I was in a hurry. I had somewhere I wanted to be. The tall guy gave me a weird look when I all but snatched the acknowledgement slip from his hand and darted towards the stairs. I didn't care. I was impatient.
I stood in front of his door and took a deep breath before knocking. My heart raced like it was ready to burst. There was a sound from the inside and a second later Naruto, my Naruto peered back at me first in genuine surprise and then in happiness.
One glance at him and I knew it.
I liked him. I liked him very much.
And now I wasn't going to fight it anymore.
I've missed you. Oh how I've missed you!
I jumped at him before the door could close. After Valentine's Day, if there was one layer of added reality to my dreams, it was the taste of his kiss. And I wanted that taste again. I'd held back one month to prepare for this. To think of what was right and what wasn't. I'd even given up several times only to come back to him. And now my patience was being rewarded. I took what I wanted. He kept adding color to every small fantasy I had as sensation after sensation traveled down my spine. I'd forgotten how good it was to be touched, to be wanted again. The body pressed tightly to mine was all hard planes. There were no soft curves. I didn't even want them in that moment. I liked this new geography. He sat me on the table and we made out like horny teenagers. I finally broke the kiss when the need to breathe overtook. He panted softly against my mouth, making me smile.
"I've missed you," his mouth moved to mine for a slower kiss. Me too. Yeah, I could feel it.
"Hi," he whispered, smiling against my jaw. His happiness was tangible.
I touched his soft hair and smiled at him. "Hi," I said a little self-consciously.
Naruto looked like he was holding back from kissing me again. He straightened and asked if I wanted water. Now that one thing was out of the way, my mouth was suddenly very dry. I nodded and he busied himself with it. Neither of us said a word. Even though I'd thought of what I would say, words failed me at that moment. I needed a moment to process everything that had occurred. Mindlessly I picked up the books that he'd thrown on the floor earlier and scanned it. He was studying.
He took his seat on the bed and looked at me. I knew what he was going to ask. "Why are you here?"
"To help you with your research paper," I put down the mechanical pencil I was holding. I was going to confess. This light tease was warm-up. I fought a smile.
"Is that it?" he asked. Irritation flooded clear when those eyebrows came together to support the thunderstorm on his forehead. He looked adorable.
"What else should there be?" I asked him. Going by the previous lines, this was what I should have been there for.
"What if I don't need your help anymore?" he asked.
That hurt. It pinched. Had I read everything wrong? Didn't he ask me to give him my answer? Had he already moved on? Was I too late? I moved to get up immediately. "Then I'm sorry I imposed. I'll get going now." It was the most graceful escape I could think of. But he just pulled my chair closer till our knees touched.
He took a deep breath. "I'm still waiting for my answer."
I would have confessed right there if he'd not hurt my feelings. "What is it that you want to hear?"
There was no shred of doubt in his eyes when he looked at me. "I want to hear what you think. I want you to tell me what we are."
I licked my lips and looked. "I thought we discussed that the day you confessed," I said it in a tight voice.
Naruto looked genuinely furious now. It tickled my insides. Negative or positive, this guy was honest to a fault. "Then what about what just happened?" his voice sounded terse like he was holding himself back. Maybe I wanted to see how he exploded.
"I don't know," I looked away in helpless confusion.
"I'll tell you. You like me and you are attracted to me equally, Itachi-sama. It's alright to want me. You just have you tell me what you want and we'll take it from there." Ah, my confusion was interpreted as my reason for being skittish. Of course he'd think that way. I could work with it. In fact, discussing a few more truths here wouldn't be bad. The truth was I wanted him, physically as well as emotionally. I couldn't deny that time stood still when I was with him. That he'd now become a permanent part of me. But I didn't know the limits.
Are you sure? In a way, I had to trust him blindly in this new path I'd chosen. And I did. A lot. I straightened. "Look Naruto-kun, I can't deny what we have in between us. Even now the urge to touch you is driving me mad. When I see you, I lose control. I get urges Naruto. Urges that are driving me insane." I looked around helpless in my quest to make him understand. "There are times when I feel like I'll die when I think of you."
I prepared myself to say the words I'd been wanting to for quite a while now. He looked tortured, like he was close to losing it. "Why?" he raised a brow at me.
I took a deep breath. "When I think of you, it makes me happy, Naruto-kun. These feelings that I have for you, Naruto-kun, that I know I shouldn't have for you," I swallowed thickly. "You make me want to explore them. You confessed to me on Valentine's Day and this is my answer. I like you, Naruto-kun." I looked into his brilliant aquamarine eyes. "Yeah, I like you a lot."
"And?" he asked quietly.
"And I think I want to go out with you."
There, I said it.
When he all but leaped at me to kiss me, I felt lighter than I had in a month.
He kissed me like an eager school boy, unable to get enough. "Do you have any idea what you've signed up for?" he asked me in a teasing voice.
The ugly voice chanted again.
Sasuke's friend. Here for only six more months. A man.
I shook my head to clear it away and nodded.
Yeah I knew.
How nice it felt to be in his arms.
Six months, a year, two years, I didn't know how long we would go on. But I knew one thing for a fact. That as long as I was in these arms, I'd be happy.
And I was not going to close this window at happiness.
Naruto was mine.
Reviews would be lovely!