Chapter 5

A month and a half goes by. Arizona's infection slowly improves while Mark maintains his stability. Carlson is completely on board with the plan to save Arizona's leg and has planned the surgery. In the meantime, I've worked with Derek on a plan to fix his hand and get him back to the O.R. It seems we might finally be able to put this plane crash behind us.

I run the thermometer across Arizona's forehead. I lean down and kiss her cheek as I say, "That's from Mark. He's still doing great. He said to tell you good luck tomorrow." I look down at the thermometer and say, "Hey! It's still way down! That's good!"

"I haven't eaten since breakfast," Arizona says confidently.

"Okay, your surgery is not until noon…tomorrow," I respond. "Carlson doesn't care if you eat now."

"Well, I'm just going to be an unbelievably good patient," Arizona answers.

I raise my eyebrow, "Mhmm." My pager goes off and I look down at it. I sigh, knowing that Derek is prepped and ready for surgery. "Okay, I have to go," I say reluctantly.

"Because you're an unbelievably good doctor," Arizona says confidently.

"Say more," I plead.

Arizona takes my hands as I sit on the edge of her bed. "My wife is the doctor that's going to save Derek Shepherd's million-dollar hand. She's that good."

"Okay, stop, you're freaking me out now," I say worriedly.

"You," Arizona starts, "are outstanding. And I love you."

A wide smile spreads across my face. "I love you too," I say before bending down to kiss her. She returns the kiss for a moment before we break away. She gives me a huge smile as I squeeze her hand one last time before heading to the O.R.

"How are you doing, Derek?" I say as I dry my hands on a towel.

"You should say it," Derek says with a smile.

I nod, a smile forming behind my mask. "Alright people," I say to the people in the O.R., "it's a beautiful day to save lives." I look down at Derek and add, "And fix hands." He smiles back at me before the anesthesiologist puts the gas mask over his face.

I gown and glove and immediately start getting to work. We opted for a nerve graft to get him more mobility back and get him back in an O.R. The graft I pull is beautiful. I look up to see Meredith give a worried smile in the gallery. "Perfect," I say as I look back down at the nerve. "Just perfect."

I get ready to place the graft when Alex comes bursting into the O.R. holding a mask over his face. "It's Arizona," he says. "There's a problem."

"What?" I say confused as my stomach drops.

"She's crashing," Alex adds.

"Crashing?!" I ask, my voice raising.

"Temp's 104, serum lactate is six," Alex states. "She's in septic shock."

"Shut up, shut up," I say, racking my brain. "Do you have her on pressors?"

"I've got her on pressors, triple antibiotics, I've got her on aggressive I.V. fluids," Alex answers.

"Did you give her supplemental oxygen?" I ask.

"I intubated her," Alex answers. "She's crashing."

"Do you," I start, still trying to wrap my brain around what's going on, "did you start her on hydrocortisone?"

"Yeah."

"Do you have her on pressors?"

"Yes! I told you, yes!" Alex starts to get more frantic, "Look, she's still deteriorating. She's dying."

I let that sink in. I run every scenario in my head before I finally say, "It's the leg."

"It's the leg," Alex repeats.

I let out a sigh. I try to think of every other way to solve this problem, but I know there's only one option. I firmly look at Alex and say, "Cut it off." I pant before I add, "Go, just do a good job, please. Do your best." Alex nods and rushes out of the O.R.

I look back down at Derek's hand before I hear, "Callie." I look up to see Meredith walk into the O.R. "What do you need? What can I do?"

"Nothing, I'm fine," I say, letting out a breath I didn't realize I was holding. I make eye contact with her, it finally clicking in my mind who I was operating on. "I'm fine, really," I assure her.

"I know," she responds before walking out of the O.R. I look back down at the surgical field, intensely focusing so I can finish as quickly and accurately as possible.

The rest of the surgery is a blur. A resident takes Derek to his room as I quickly scrub out and rush to Arizona's room. It's empty once I get there. My stomach drops as I start to hyperventilate. "Callie," I turn around at the voice behind me. Alex stands in the doorway. I study his face. My heart sinks.

"Where is she?" I ask firmly.

"Callie, you need to sit down," Alex says as he tries to guide me to a chair.

"Where is she?!" I growl as I pull away from him.

He lets out a sigh. "Before I could get her under, she already was seizing from how high her temp was. We gave her meds and got the seizures to stop so we could put her under. I started cutting but she just started bleeding out. Her blood pressure was already way low. She arrested on the table. We tried for forty-five minutes to get her back, but we were unsuccessful." He looks at me with a repentant look as he says, "Arizona is dead."

My whole body freezes. My brain bounces those three words around in my head, unable to process them. "She's…she's what?" I mutter, my breath quickening.

"She's dead, Callie," Alex repeats. "Arizona died."

"No!" I shout at him. "No, no, no!" I shove him out of the way and rush down to the O.R. floor. I peek into each O.R., trying to find Arizona. Finally, I look into one operating room and freeze. On the table is a figure draped with a sheet. I slowly walk in and stop in front of the table. The room is chillingly silent. I reach for the sheet and freeze, gritting my teeth before pulling back the sheet.

I almost fall to the floor. Arizona's deathly pale face lays motionless on the table. Her eyes are gently closed and her lips relaxed, as if she were asleep. I put my hand on her cheek and flinch at how cold it is. Tears start trickling down my face as I sit down beside the table and grab her limp hand. I sob uncontrollably, feeling like my chest is being stabbed. "How did this happen?" I cry as I squeeze her hand tighter. "You were stable! You were improving! How did you go from that to crashing?! How did you leave me?!" I drop my head to her shoulder and I continue to sob over the body of Arizona, my wife, the love of my life. And now, she's gone. How did this happen?

I glance at the chart on the tray next to the table. Without letting go of Arizona's hand, I reach for it and read it. Just like Alex said, I think to myself. My brain goes through every piece of information, trying to glean how my wife went from stable to dead in the matter of hours.

I hear the door opening behind me. I don't look up; my stomach twists, knowing what it means. "Callie, we have to take her down now," Alex says gently. I nod my head in response. I stand up and look one more time at Arizona's face, absorbing every detail. I bend down and kiss her forehead as tears fall from my cheeks to hers. I run my fingers through her hair and finally let go of her still cold hand.

"I've got to talk to Mark," I mutter as I bolt out the door. I ignore Alex calling my name as I make my way to Mark's room. I walk into his room and freeze. "Oh my God…no," I sob, covering my mouth with my hand. Mark lays unconscious in his bed, intubated, machines breathing for him. "What the hell happened?" I ask softly, feeling my soul die a little more.

"It was the surge," I hear a voice say from the corner. I jump and look over to see Richard Webber sitting in a chair next to Mark's bed, not even noticing him when I walked in. "He knew this was coming. It was only a matter of time."

I shake my head as I run my fingers through my hair. "How am I losing both of them?" I cry out, clenching my hair in despair.

"Karev came in to talk to us. I am so, so sorry about Arizona," Richard says gently. I can hear the sincerity in his voice but I can't respond to it. My heart is being ripped in two.

"Did I do this?" I whisper as I start to shake. "I promised her I wouldn't take her leg. I worked so hard to make sure she kept her leg. Did…did I miss this? Am I the reason she died?"

Richard stands up and stands in front of me. "Of course not," he says as he puts a hand on my shoulder. "On any ordinary person, maybe an amputation would have been a first choice. But Arizona wasn't an ordinary person; she was a surgeon. It would have been like opting to amputate an athlete's leg as your first line of treatment; you take the patient into consideration first. And there was no indication that you had to amputate until there was. And presented with the information, you made the right call. She just…she just deteriorated too fast."

"She didn't eat today," I say, crossing my arms. "I should have made her eat. She would have been stronger."

"That wouldn't have made a difference," Richard says gently. "There was nothing you could have done." I look up at him as he reaches his arms around me and I start shaking uncontrollably. He guides me to a chair and he keeps an arm around me as I completely fall apart.