Time seemed to fly by and soon I was in my final year of middle school. I would be lying if I said that I did much productive during that time frame of two years, I had managed to get sign language down pretty solidly, but then again with two entire years to learn a new language that wasn't anything particularly of note for me, I've been improving in my art, but that's hardly much either. I have been lazing around a little too much in these past couple years for my liking to be honest.
But... I can't say that I've done nothing either. My mother has probably been the member of my new family which I've spent the most time with, I found myself easily able to connect with the woman. She's kind-hearted and cares deeply for this family, I've noticed the lack of a father and that he's also never mentioned. I can only assume that he is either six feet under, or he chose to abandon his family. Either way I can tell that she is a strong woman to raise two children and a grandchild on her lonesome like this. I like that about her.
I couldn't tell you why, but for some inexplicable reason my mind is constantly wandering back to that Shoko girl, the one who I apparently bullied. I've hardly touched on the subject with my mother, out of fear that I'd say something wrong, but I can read between the lines of a few conversations we've had about sign language and put the pieces together. Like I feared, I was indeed a bully.
Of course I had more than enough evidence to point towards that before, those kids might be idiots, but I doubt that everything they said was 100% bullshit. And the idea of not doing anything to make up for what 'I've' done seemed to make shame wash over me for whatever reason. But... just how am I meant to do any of that? I've never been the social type, after Archie died I lost the ability to connect to others, I just found it so ridiculously hard to put the past in the past, even now I never really moved on from what happened to me. That was nearly twenty years ago but it make so little difference, when something really hurts you filling the void it left behind takes more than just time, my brother left a gaping hole in my heart that nobody around me ever filled. No girlfriend, no amount of money, and no amount of good fortune could ever make that hole inside of me disappear.
I'm really pathetic aren't I? Even two decades wasn't enough to make me get over myself, I was too much of a coward to open my heart up to someone else. Hell I still was. Even when I have an actual family that loved me I couldn't move forward. I want to forget at times, to let Archie just stay dead, but I can't. He was everything to me even as an adult, he's the only one who ever loved me unconditionally. It's been so long that I've almost... forgotten how to love another human being back. Something inside of me is still broken from back then. I can't help but wonder-
Can someone put my heart back together for me?
"Shoya, we have to go now." My sister spoke to me in a tired tone as Maria slept quietly in her stroller. Maria was a frustratingly inconsistent baby, sometimes she'll cry all night and day, sometimes she'll be quiet as can be, and sometimes she just keeps to herself. I was never a father myself, but isn't this baby a touch strange? Still though, I love this little girl and would love to watch her grow with my sister. Aika looked especially tired, that was probably due to Maria being an extremely difficult baby the night before, everyone was exhausted from the lack of sleep... well except me for some strange reason. My body is currently undergoing puberty and my appetite has increased significantly, along with many other biological changes that my body is undergoing. I should be more tired than my sister logically, yet I feel completely fine. A touch drowsy perhaps, but otherwise fine.
It was a Tuesday and we were given a very rare day off of school, those are very rare in Japan. I hadn't gone outside the whole day and my sister felt the need to take Maria out for a walk, so I joined them to make sure that they had some company, but now I honestly didn't really feel like leaving. This was a nice place, it was a small river by a bridge where koi would swim around, I had a tendency to feed them sometimes or even just draw one of the koi around here.
"Is it alright if I stay? The house isn't all that far away and I feel like staying." Truth be told I hated having to ask permission when it came to things like this, it has nothing to do with my sister, she's a respectable woman, but I am an adult. I might not look it but I am, and asking for something so simple is almost degrading. At least in my opinion. I also wasn't used to doing what others say, I was my own boss for years and I never got along with my foster parents.
Aika heard this and paused for a second, almost in contemplation, she then shrugged and just said." Sure. Don't take long though, mum is gonna bite my head off if you end up staying here for too long."
I smiled at that. I've gotten a good read on my new sisters personality over the past few years and I have an evaluation on what she's like. Whilst she is a caring and devoted mother, she's also very relaxed and has a carefree personality. Not to call her lazy though, she simply isn't very serious most of the time. I like that, the world could do with more people like her.
I watched her walk away with a sleeping Maria and once she was out of sight I took a moment to simply enjoy the sight in front of me. Whilst I never considered moving to Japan before, I can now see the beauty of this country now that I live here. I can't say that I like the people all that much though, they are far too obsessed with manners for my taste, and everyone here tends to all act and abide by the same morals and values. It can get a touch repetitive and boring. I don't want everyone to be obsessively polite to me, I just want to act like myself and have people in my life that don't judge me for not caring about things like manners.
I took my bag off of my shoulders and took out a small loaf of bread. It's around lunch-time and this sort of thing is very easy to just bring with you. I also use it to feed the carp here, just a little bit of fun of course. I tore a small piece off and popped it into my mouth, I made sure to savour the slightly salty taste of the bread to it's fullest before I continued to indulge myself. I've come to enjoy these pure and simple moments in my life, the old me was... well I wasn't actually very happy in all honesty. I was rich, I was successful, and I was on top of the business world. Yet I was unsatisfied. I was tired. And I was utterly alone. Somehow, just sitting here and enjoying some of the scenery was able to make me less... uneasy than I every was before. Why is it that I feel good just by sitting here and eating some bread, and yet making millions just left me feeling hollow? What's the point of something so utterly simple when compared to such massive achievements and successes?
I stared down at the half finished bread loaf and then over at the bridge which had so many hungry koi underneath it. I think that I've had enough, these little guys deserve some, right?
I ran a hand through my freshly cut hair as I stood up with my bread in hand. I walked up to the bridge, the wood creaking slightly as I stepped to look over the edge. It was a mildly high fall, if the floor was concrete then you'd break your legs, but at this height, with the water to shelter you? You'd be absolutely fine.
The bread felt nice and squishy between my fingers, I squeezed it lightly before I dropped it into the water below. I watched the bread descend into the stream beneath me, it floated on top of the liquid for a moment before an orange, red, and white carp swept up the crumbs with it's mouth. I smiled at the spectacle and broke off another piece of bread for the hungry fish which I tossed down into the water under my feet.
I found myself fixated on the sight of koi eating up bread crumbs. They look happy, it must be nice to simply enjoy the little things in life. To be such a simple-minded creature that all you care about is eating bread. To be content with just the tiny things. Could I ever hope to be like that? Could I ever hope to be as happy as that fish?
I found myself suddenly laughing at my own thoughts. Jealous of a fish, really? Look how far I've fallen. I was once one of the richest business men in the UK. Now I'm just some poor Japanese kid. Well I say fallen, but somehow I felt like I'm rising.
Shoko walked out of her sign language class with her signature smile plastered on her face. She comes here every week because there are people here who understand her, she can talk with her hands instead of talking with the horrible mess which leaves her mouth every time she opens her mouth to speak. She thinks about that thought for a moment and feels slightly dejected at the harsh reality of her deafness. Of the fact that she'll never be like the others around her.
But she still smiles anyway, there's no use in looking sad. She used to look sad all the time and that worried Yuzuru and her mum. Maybe if she looks happy to them they won't worry about her as much. She tries that all the time... and she still worries them.
She curses her own selfishness and once again the guilt she feels eats away at her heart. She feeds the carp every Tuesday down by the bridge, she isn't exactly sure what compels her to buy bread every week, yet she still goes anyway. Maybe it's because she's such a loser that she has to make friends with a bunch of fish that only like her because she feeds them bread, maybe it's because she just wants something to focus on other than the loneliness she feels everyday because of her lack of friends, maybe it's because she needs anything she can get to distract her from the fact she's a deaf freak that doesn't even have the guts to speak more than a few words with her real voice to someone else.
Or she just likes the scenery. For the sake of her sanity she'll just go with that.
She walked down by the familiar with a loaf of bread in her arms, she never fed everything that she bought to the fish, she'd often eat quite a bit of bread on her lonesome. Bread on it's own was rather plain, but she didn't hate that. She was usually hungry by that time anyway.
She placed one foot after the other on the familiar path to the bridge. She rather liked feeding the koi, she liked it when the fish practically recognised her had swam to get something to eat. She's glad that she makes them happy. At least she can make something happy. How pathetic that she's excited to see fish?
Shoko looked on ahead as she did her best to maintain her permanent smile, but that all went crumbling away when her eyes were met with the sight of someone that she never expected to see again. On the bridge her eyes were able to catch sight of a tall black haired boy that looked to be around her age. She felt the blood drain from her face as she recognised who she was looking at. She knew him, and in a really bad way. His hair was shorter, his clothes were a different style, he was older, he was taller. But, there was no mistaking it.
She was looking at Shoya Ishida. Her old tormentor.
Shoko had to admit that seeing him made a small spark of resentment briefly light in her heart, yet it was immediately put out as she was reminded of her own fault in the situation which took place in elementary school. She wanted to go to a regular school for once back then, she begged her mother to let her go, the reason that she wanted to go was because that school would be her way of actually becoming normal, she would get to know if she could fit in with regular people. If she could make friends and make other people happy. If she was more than just a freak that couldn't hear anything.
She was heartbroken to find out that she wasn't. It became immediately apparent within the first few moments of her stepping into the classroom that she was different. In the introductions she couldn't respond to the teacher due to her lack of hearing. She couldn't talk with other people normally due to her lack of hearing. She couldn't hear or listen to people due to her lack of hearing. She was a deviant, deadweight in that classroom, a freak that couldn't fit in. The only thing that she learned in those six months of torture was that she couldn't fit in with regular people. She was doomed from the start.
Being reminded of that was enough to make her fake smile be wiped off her face. And she couldn't put it back on.
He hadn't noticed her at that point. She could have easily just slipped away and blended into the background. Like she usually did. She could have avoided talking to the boy who put her through hell as a little girl. She could have been left alone.
But... she didn't. Instead, after pausing upon the sight of her bully, she continued on her march towards the bridge where she usually fed the carp. She isn't quite sure why she did it at the time. Maybe she wanted him to hurt her in a weird way. Maybe she thought that she deserved to be bullied. Maybe she just wanted to feed her carp like she did every week. Either way that isn't what she chose.
She walked until she was on the left half of the bridge, she stopped and turned, not so much as meeting the eye of the boy in the centre of the right side, and she started to feed her fish. She felt her heart pounding against her ribcage at the close proximity with her bully. It was nerve racking to know that she was so terrifyingly close to someone who used to do horrible things to her. He'd write hurtful things on the chalkboard. He'd throw her belongings in the water fountain around school. He would throw sand at her, and he ripped her hearing aids out. She hated all of those things... and yet none of that hurt more than when he pushed her around after she cleaned his desk and she finally fought back. She was just doing her best.
She briefly brushed her hand against the scar below her right ear. Even if she can hear with the help of her hearing aids, she will never be able to hear like a normal person could. Her hearing in her right ear was actually getting worst in recent years, actually that's an understatement. At this point her ear barely picks up anything. The doctors say that even with hearing aids she might not be able to hear in one of hears in a few years. She'll become even more deaf than she was already.
That thought put a wide crack in her.
She tried to distract herself from her own insecurities and focused on the running water to soothe her nerves and forget who was standing just a few meters away from her. However, her eyes betrayed her and she took a quick peek at her former bully.
She isn't sure why she did it, god knows why she would want his attention on her, but she soon found herself staring at him. He was pretty easy on the eyes now that she noticed him. His black hair was no longer out of control now that it was shorter, he's grown a number of inches in height and he seemed to appear... different in a strange way. She couldn't explain why but he almost felt like a different person. He looked the same but he didn't feel the same-
He noticed that she was staring and caught her brown eyes with his own green ones. She felt frozen in place under his eyes, he seemed so analytical and observant of every little detail that he managed to catch with those emerald irises. She felt like she was being examined, like she was fascinating to him. She was probably just overthinking things, he's probably just thinking about how to bully her next. Maybe he'd chuck Shoko in the river and laugh it off or something else-
He lifted up his hand and waved towards her friendlily, after that he merely goes back to feeding the fish with the tiny amount of bread crumbs that she has left.
Shoko noticed this brief action and felt some of her wariness drop and be replaced by confusion. Did he not recognise her? She hadn't changed much since three years ago, her hair was longer but that's not much of a change on it's own. She also knows that he wouldn't forget her, given what he did to her in elementary school she assumed that he would remember her. Is he just pretending?
She wanted to ask him about what he was doing, but she couldn't speak normally. Whilst she could technically speak like a normal person, her voice has never been the most coherent. Either people don't understand her, or she has to try her very best to make her words come out semi-normal. That's why she uses a notepad so frequently, it's simply less humiliating for her to write instead of speaking. She hardly uses her broken voice these days. She couldn't communicate with him. She couldn't ask him about anything.
She felt her breathing become slightly erratic and her head become light. The reminder of her own shortcomings as a human being were hard for her to deal with. Whenever she was reminded of this that void in her heart would widen a little bit more. Why does she even want to communicate with her bully anyway? What's the point of trying to become friends with someone who's made it clear that they don't want her to be a friend, that she is out of place and only weighs the people around her down, why does she insist on being such a nuisance to the people around her?
Her breathing quickened and her legs started to walk the other way without her consent. She was walking away from the situation, she was out of bread anyway and her mother and Yuzuru will worry about her if she stays. She just needs to get back to her mother and sister, yes that's the reason. It has nothing to do with her bully waving to her. It has nothing to do with her being a coward that just wants the bullying to stop.
She just wants to stop being a problem in other peoples lives.