Chapter 13
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Albert made a point to visit Jee while she was with Buck on his next days off after the trip to Phoenix. "I don't want to just associate me with going to see Chimney and being stressed out," he said.
"She doesn't, she was perfectly content when you were holding her at the zoo and at breakfast next morning," Eddie said. "Besides, you said you wouldn't take her again. Have you had second thoughts about that?"
"I'm pretty sure it won't be anytime soon but I just wanted to run the idea by you so you weren't blindsided by it when the time comes. I won't take her unless Buck's willing but I figured that if Chimney can talk calmly on the phone even when I bring up Buck or when talking about Maddie, and he asks to see her without me bringing it up and promises not to do anything to upset her next time, then I'll consider it," Albert said hesitantly. "I promise I'll walk out the minute he starts to look like he's going to yell, and I'll ask whether you can come into the prison and wait outside the room so you can calm Jee down straight away."
"That sounds reasonable, as long as he allows you to wait for our four days off to coincide with visiting days, so we can take the trip slowly," Eddie reassured him.
You'd come with us again?" Albert asked.
"We have to think about what's best for the kids so we can't spend every four days off driving to phoenix and I'll probably give Chris the choice whether he wants to stay with my family or Bobby and Athena or Hen and Karen next time since the sight of the prison disturbed him so much, but I'm not letting you and Buck face that on your own, and I know it will stress Jee less to have Buck and I both available during the drive," Eddie said.
"Have you spoken with him since Sunday? Are you staying for dinner?" Buck asked, from the kitchen where he'd been cooking something that smelled amazing.
"Yeah, I'd love to. Howard called me earlier while I was on shift, he's still too fixated on getting out of there so he can find Maddie to care about whether he upset Jee, he didn't apologise for what happened at all, so he's going to need a fairly huge attitude adjustment before I take Jee to visit," Albert said disgustedly. "Did I tell you he ll but asked me to help him get out, right in front of a guard?"
"Surely he meant help finding a lawyer, or giving him a good character reference to get released, not breaking out of the prison," Eddie said calmly.
"Yeah, maybe. I'm surprised it didn't attract the guard's attention though, the way he worded it," Albert replied.
"Can you look after Chris for the day tomorrow?" Eddie asked, the next time that their 48 hours off coincided with the weekend.
"Of course, do you need us out of the house? He can come with us to the park or something. Where are you going to be?" Buck replied.
"I have a class from 9 o'clock until late afternoon," Eddie said.
Buck frowned at the vague answer but let it go, intending to get more information later. "Does Chris have any appointments or plans?"
"Not that he's shared with me, though I'm sure he'll come up with something he wants the three of you to do once he finds out he's got you for the day," Eddie said dryly.
Bobby, Hen and Ravi laughed.
"So long as he remembers that his plans need to include Jee and are appropriate for a baby who can't spend all day in a car or pram, and needs to nap after lunch," Buck replied agreeably.
"You didn't tell me about this class you're doing? Is it a paramedic training?" Buck asked. It was the only course the LAFD was running that weekend. He'd have understood why Eddie wouldn't want to bring that up in front of Hen who was still struggling to relate to her new partner, but he didn't know why Eddie would want to be transitioning to paramedic or what other courses he would be doing.
"No, I signed up for the beginner class for new foster parents run by CPS," Eddie replied.
"You're doing foster parenting courses? Why?" Buck asked, surprised. Eddie was a great Dad in his opinion, and was doing wonderfully supporting Jee as she got used to living with the two of them instead of her parents. Why did he feel the need to learn more?
"Yes, I spoke to Julian about it and if I move in with you, then you wouldn't qualify to have any other foster children once Jee goes back to her parents while I'm living with you, unless I'm registered as a foster parent too. Fostering was clearly important to you even before Jee needed a guardian and I don't want us living with you stop you from doing something you want to do," Eddie replied.
Buck leaned over and hugged him. "Thank you," he said softly.
Eddie hugged back, enjoying the closeness. It wasn't unusual for them to wake up with their arms wrapped around each other but they usually stayed on their own side of the bed until falling asleep unless one of them was upset and in need of comfort.
Christmas was approaching and Buck and Eddie were starting to worry how clingy Chris was becoming with both of them. Eddie felt a little guilty about it, concerned that it was because he was dragging his feet on the decision to move into Buck's new house with him when it was ready. Buck doubted that that was the problem since while Eddie may not have officially committed to moving he was all in on renovating, and the room Chris had claimed as his own had been painted and furnished with the things Chris had picked out.
Buck wondered whether it was the stress of too many life changing events in a short period of time. With the stress of the pandemic and the isolation and loss of social contacts for months on end. He'd barely recovered his equilibrium after Eddie got shot and then hadn't coped well with the stress of having Eddie return to work, Eddie breaking up with Ana and her disappearance from Christopher's life, Buck being injured, becoming a pseudo big brother and having to learn to live with a baby in the house, Buck's return to work, it was just one life altering event after another, and now they were packing up to move from the house he'd lived in since he was seven.
Chris was so good with Jee and seemed to love being a temporary big brother and he was excited about the new house but had it all just been too much. OR was it the temporary custody Buck had with Jee, they'd been reminding him frequently that Jee would eventually go back to living with Maddie, trying to prepare him for the eventual separation though nobody had any idea when that would happen. Were they doing the wrong thing, reminding him. Jee's leaving already felt like an anvil hanging over Buck's head. He was going to miss his niece so much even if Maddie did let him visit and babysit regularly and he had no guarantees she would even stay in LA or let him, Eddie and Chris visit at all.
Buck and Eddie found it endearing that Chris was trying so hard to make their first Christmas together perfect and Eddie loved the way Buck was willing to enable the hell out of him at every opportunity. Including spending a fortune on new decorations, even buying a ladder and spending hours stringing lights around the roofline in spite of Eddie telling him this was a 9-1-1 call waiting to happen, and researching cookie recipes to test out. It was only when Christopher had a complete meltdown over his gingerbread house falling in that they realised something was seriously wrong.
"Maybe we can fix it, brace it on the inside with something," Eddie suggested.
"No it will still look broken. I wanted it to be perfect," Christopher said mournfully.
"I can make more gingerbread and we can try again," Buck offered.
"There isn't time," Chris snapped.
"Okay Chris, what's going on, one cracked gingerbread house isn't going to ruin Christmas. I can bake another roof piece tonight, and we can stick it on before school in the morning so it will be ready to decorate tomorrow night. But I don't think that this is about gingerbread. What's wrong? Why does everything have to be perfect? Christmas is about family and celebrating and sometimes the imperfect things are the ones that make the best memories," Buck said.
"What do you mean?" Chris asked, confused.
"When I was a kid, Christmas always had to look perfect, the decorations were always beautiful but they looked like they'd been done by a professional, more like a store display or an add than a family home and there was no love or friendship, and no genuine celebration, it was cold and hollow and lonely underneath the store bought cookies, the perfectly wrapped presents and the designer decorations.
Maddie and I weren't allowed to help decorate the tree or bake biscuits because we'd make a mess of it," Buck said. "To me cookies that aren't perfectly round or are a little burnt on the bottom or undercooked are better than perfect cookies baked by a professional, a gingerbread house with a cracked roof is perfect because it's the time the three of us spent enjoying making it together that's important, and next year's gingerbread house will likely be even more smashed because Jee will be old enough to want to help if she's still with us and that's fine too."
Chris laughed shakily. "What if there is no next year, if one of you is dead?" he asked bursting into tears.
Buck and Eddie both rushed to hug him, their eyes meeting in panic over his head.
"Chris I don't know what to tell you…" Eddie began. "You know that the injuries that both Buck and I suffered weren't normal for a firefighter. The bombing and the shooting weren't really related to our jobs except that the perpetrators had a gripe with firefighters. It could have been anyone."
"But the fire departments are called to deal with shootings, I've seen it on the news," Chris said.
"I've never been called to a mass shooting," Eddie replied.
"Me neither but I've heard stories about them from friends at other stations. The paramedics are called in at the end to deal with the injuries once the shooter has been arrested. We'd probably bring the ladder just in case there's a way to evacuate the upper levels safely and everybody would be outside the perimeter helping keep the lookie-loos out of range of the shooter. They weren't in danger," Buck said.
"But Dad got shot!" Christopher argued.
"He did, and he was the first victim of that shooter so we didn't know to be careful yet, but people shooting at firefighters and paramedics is incredibly rare, Chris," Buck replied, not wanting to add to the boy's stress level by pointing out that most days they were in less danger of random shooting than Chris was just by being at school. Unfortunately, he was already aware of that.
"Chris you know that our job has risks, but we train really hard to be as safe as we can be, and the thing that have injured us aren't a normal part of our jobs. I swear to you that both of us will always fight as hard as we possibly can to come home to you," Eddie said brokenly.
"But what if it isn't enough. Mom was just crossing the street and then she was gone," Chris cried.
"Nobody can predict or prevent something like that," Eddie admitted.
"Would it help to know that if something does happen to me, you would stay here with Buck, he would be your legal guardian. You would still go to Durand, you'd still have Carla and Abuela and Pepa and the Firefam," Eddie said.
"Abuelo and Grandma would want me to come back to El Paso and live with them," Chris said.
"Is that what you would want?" Buck asked.
"No. I hate it there and they treat me like I'm stupid and can't do anything, I want to stay with you," Chris yelled.
"Then I would fight to keep you with me. Your father has made as sure as he can that you'll be allowed to stay with me, and I won't let anyone take you away from me," Buck promised him.
"Please don't think that I'm leaving you. I don't want to give up being your partner or to leave the 118 but I need to do something with less risk so Chris feels safe," Eddie said. "I need to leave the LAFD."
"Eddie, I'm not going to stop you if that's what Chris really needs but talk to him about it first. I can't believe that he would want you to give up being a firefighter," Buck said.
"I'll talk to him but it's not about what he thinks he should want, it's about giving him the security he needs," Eddie argues.
"There are ways to do that without leaving the LAFD, you could work as a Fire Marshall like I did, or work for Dispatch, or better yet apply for a job at the Academy. You'd have regular hours and less risk and still have the health insurance benefits so we don't need to find new providers for all Christopher's therapies," Buck suggested.
"Yeah, I think I'd enjoy working at the Academy more than a desk job, but competition for those jobs is fierce," Eddie agreed. "Will you be okay working in the field without me?"
"I'll have to be. It's for Chris," Buck said watching Eddie closely. He noticed Eddie wince and look away guiltily.
"It isn't only Chris who isn't coping with the level of danger being back on full duty, is it?" he asked quietly.
"No, I'm still having nightmares about being shot, leaving you and Chris on your own," Eddie admitted. "Sometimes on our way to a call I feel like there's so much weight pushing me down that I can barely move, a car backfired nearby at an accident scene the other day and I had to stop myself from dropping a patient so I could push you down and take cover."
"Then you need to step back for a while, but more than that you need to be talking to someone about this, to work through the anxiety. I'm not surprised that being shot at here in LA has triggered your PTSD," Buck said understandingly.
"I'm fine! Talking isn't really my thing," Eddie protested.
"Then we need to find you a different sort of trauma therapy. Maybe someone at the VA would be more suitable than a department therapist," Buck suggested. "We need to find Chris a therapist as well, the kid's been through way too much for one lifetime already."
"Yes, he's been putting a brave face on things and trying to pretend that everything is okay. He needs an outlet that isn't exploding at us or at school," Eddie agreed.
"He's taking his cues from you. If you want him to take seeking help from therapy seriously, then you need to show him that you're attending therapy and putting the work in as well," Buck pushed.
Eddie looked at him betrayed. "You play dirty, Buckley, but I can't disagree with that."
"I'm not playing at all, I'm doing what you would want me to do if you were seeing things a little more clearly. I'm working to get the best outcome for Chris and for us all as a family, you both need help," Buck said very seriously.
Eddie sighed, "I know and I love the way you love my son."
Buck helped him research therapists for the two of them, and went to a few interviews for child psychologists before he and Eddie let them meet Christopher, then let Chris make the choice of the two they were happy with. Once Chris was set up, Buck went all in on finding a therapist that Eddie was able to trust enough to talk openly to.
Eddie announced that he'd be leaving the 118 at dinner towards the end of a shift. There were protests at first until he told them about Christopher's fears and that he needed to step back for a while until he and his son were able to overcome the nightmares of him dying.
Bobby replied that he understood and that he would recommend him for duty at the academy and try to fill his spot temporarily but that his position needed to be filled with a heavy rescue asset to support Buck in the field and if he couldn't convince someone to transfer temporarily he would have to fill the position permanently to give Buck the support he needed in the field.
Bobby was apologetic and Eddie understood, the last thing he wanted was for Buck not to have the backup he needed during a dangerous rescue.
Buck nodded, looking conflicted. "When you're ready to return to Firefighting we can look into who'd take us as a pair if there isn't a spot for you here," he said quietly.
"You'd leave the 118, you love it here?" Eddie said.
"I want to be your partner, the person who has your back in the field, more than I want to work with the 118. I know Bobby would do everything within his power to get you back here but the Firefam would understand if I need to transfer to work with you. I think that we're at the point that Bobby and Athena and Hen and Karen would still stay part of our lives if we were working at a different station house," Buck said.
"Yeah they would. I think we'd be stuck with Ravi and Makepeace as well," Eddie agreed.
Buck laughed.
Christmas was, in Buck's opinion, perfect. They woke up with the dawn, way too early for Eddie who had to be placated with coffee before he came out of his early morning funk to concentrate on the festivities. Jee was also a little overwhelmed by the early morning but happily accepted the early morning cuddles with the sleep deprived Eddie while Buck and Chris bounced around excitedly giving out and opening presents and taking dozens of photos to record their first Christmas morning together.
Even once she was awake, Jee was more interested in the wrapping paper than any of her gifts, which made Buck pout and Eddie and Chris laugh. They went to Abuela's for lunch, and all of Pepa's extended family were there too. Chris had a ball playing with his cousins and Jee enjoyed being handed around and made a fuss of. She had totally got over the shyness caused by limited social contact being home with an unwell mother and was as cheerful, cheeky, affectionate and sassy as any child being brought up by Evan Buckley could be expected to be. The food was amazing and Buck and Eddie were able to relax among people who supported the two of them unconditionally.
"She is a delightful child, and you're so good with her," Pepa's daughter, Irena, said as she returned her to Buck for a diaper change.
"She's my little sweetheart when she's happy like this, and she's content most of the time these days," Buck agreed. "My sister is missing so much."
"That isn't your fault, and feeling guilty or stopping yourself from enjoying every minute with her to the fullest isn't going to help any of you. You just keep on loving Jee and have faith that it will all work out for the best," Irena said softly.
The Gingerbread house with the new roof was a big hit and Chris got a lot of compliments when Buck explained that he'd done most of the work of making the gingerbread, assembling and decorating the house. It was almost sad to break it up but Chris insisted that he'd brought it to be eaten, so everybody pulled off a section and it was delicious.
Buck carried a sleepy Chris into his room and he and Eddie helped change him for the night.
"Thank you for the perfect Christmas, Superman," Buck whispered as he kissed him goodnight.
"You and Dad and Jee made it perfect, Bucky," Chris said sleepily.
"You did too, Mijo. Sleep well," Eddie said kissing his forehead.
Buck grinned excitedly as he saw Maddie's name flash on his phone as it rang. He raced up to the roof where he could have quiet and privacy and fumbled a little as he switched on the recoding app as he answered his phone.
"Hello Maddie. Happy New Year! This call is being recorded," he said cheerfully, trying not to sound too eager and refraining from starting the conversation by asking about her health. He hoped she'd tell him of her own volition.
"Where is Howie? Why isn't he answering his phone? Why isn't he in any of your Instagram photos?" Maddie demanded without saying hello, or even noticing exactly what Buck had said. She sounded irritated. "He hasn't posted anything himself either. Is he okay?"
"How are you, Maddie? Jee is doing well. Unfortunately, I'm at work so she isn't with me at the moment. She's spending the afternoon with John and Ann Lee if you want to call and speak with her, I'm sure they'd be happy to facetime with you so you can see her, or I'll be home about nine tomorrow morning if you want to wait until she's with me, and facetime us both," Buck said.
"Answer my questions Buck! Where is Howie?" Maddie growled, ignoring everything he'd said.
"Howard Han is in the Federal Correctional Institution in Phoenix Arizona. He's not answering his phone or posting on insta because he doesn't have access to them. He cannot receive phone calls by any method though he is allowed to make external calls, through their phone system and send and receive emails. If you want me to, I can ask someone to let him know that you'll have your phone on to talk to him when he calls them, the call will be monitored by the facility and come from an unfamiliar number, he doesn't call me so I cannot tell you what that number is or how soon the message will be passed on," Buck said expressionlessly. "How are you Maddie? Jee misses you. We all do."
"What?" Maddie screeched, leaping to the wrong assumption. "What's he doing in Arizona without Jee, working in a bloody prison. You're supposed to be looking after them for me, Evan! And you let him run off to bloody Phoenix without our daughter? Why would he take a new job like that? Why isn't he looking after Jee? Has he lost his mind? Why would he just leave her?"
Buck sighed, this was going to be more difficult than he'd thought. "Maddie, Chimney isn't working at the prison. He took off to search for you and was arrested in Arizona about 10 days after you left Jee at the 118, he is on remand waiting trial for child neglect, child endangerment and criminally dangerous driving before returning to California to wait trial here for assault and battery for punching me in the face hard enough to fracture my zygomatic arch."
"What! I don't believe it!" Maddie screeched.
"Jee's fine, fully recovered, there was no permanent damage done to either of us and she's living with me and Eddie, the whole Firefam and Albert and the Lees are helping look after her and she's… doing really well with her milestones and stuff," Buck said, wanting to reassure his sister that her daughter was doing well without telling her she was happy and thriving better without either of her parents around than she had been in their care.
"Chimney wouldn't endanger Jee-Yun! And he wouldn't punch you! What did you do to him? That's ridiculous! I hope you'll tell the judge that. When's his trial?" Maddie demanded.
"I don't know. The trial in Arizona for the child neglect and endangerment and the dangerous driving charges in Arizona is first. It's a closed trial because of the charges for child endangerment, I'm not on the list of attendees or character witnesses and of course Jee-Yun isn't old enough to testify. The trial date for the assault and battery and the dangerous driving charges in California hasn't been set yet," Buck replied.
"You need to do something!" Maddie insisted.
Buck wanted to snap at her and demand what she thought he could do, and to tell her that he'd expected better of her than the victim blaming she was doing. Hours of therapy and the Firefam's support had helped him to see that he was not the one at fault here. He recognised that Maddie was in a fragile state but that didn't give her the right to try and make him responsible for hers and Chimney's actions.
"I think you are a potential character witness for both of the trials though so you should have the trial details in your texts and email, or Chim can tell you when he rings you. Do you want me to ask them to send you the details again? There's a couple of other things you should know before you testify so the prosecution can't blindside you with them. I'll send you that information too. Some of it is pretty upsetting so make sure you're in a safe place with some support before you open it," He warned her.
"Why's he in prison in Arizona and not Los Angeles?" Maddie asked.
"Because he was arrested in Williams Arizona and they get to try him for the crimes committed in their state first, then they'll negotiate whether he serves his time there or is transported back to California to face charges here, and serve his time here," Buck replied. "I'm sure if you cannot get to Arizona his lawyers could work out a way for you to give your testimony remotely."
"What was he doing in Arizona?" Maddie demanded.
"He was on his way to Boston to look for you," Buck said bluntly.
"I'm not in Boston, why would he go there?" Maddie asked confused.
"I don't know, we didn't know where you were going and that was the only likely possibility he could think off. I told him I didn't think you'd go back to Boston, but he didn't listen to me. He was so worried about you being alone with PPD that he couldn't think straight. I think he was clutching at straws, hoping that you'd gone to someone who would support you and get you help if you weren't here with him. Boston's the last place you worked and he thought you might still have a friend there to go to. He was stopping and checking all the gas stations and coffee shops asking if anyone had seen you, trying to confirm that you'd passed that way," Buck replied. "Where are you Maddie? Do you think you could at least send us a post card or call every now and then so we'd know you were okay?"
"I never wanted him to come looking for me! Why would you let him do something so stupid?" Maddie demanded, ignoring the request as Buck had known she would. Still, he had to ask.
"What was I supposed to do? I could no more stop Chimney from leaving than I could talk you out of leaving when you rang me? You know how stubborn he is. When was the last time you convinced him not to do anything he'd set his mind on without turning on the waterworks or distracting him with sex?" Buck asked bluntly, not wanting to tell her how serious the assault and battery had been and that he was also being charged with fleeing the state while she was already so upset and insistent on defending Chimney.
Buck took a deep breath trying to stop the tears in his eyes from running down his cheeks when he realised Maddie had hung up on him. He wondered whether it would've gone differently if he'd admitted he was in the hospital when Chimney had left. He wished that Eddie was there.
Buck had really hoped that when he'd pushed record that the call would be something he could play for Jee to let her hear her mother's voice, but he didn't want to play this for anyone other than his lawyer and CPS if they tried to give Maddie custody without a thorough psych evaluation. Now he hoped that she would call the Lees and speak with Jee in person, even if he didn't think they'd have the knowledge and technology to record the conversation.
It was only after she hung up that he realised that she didn't ask about the details of the child neglect and endangerment or his injuries. Okay, he'd told her that Jee had fully recovered but everyone else in his niece's life had wanted to know the details and asked about the emotional impact on Jee. She hadn't asked about the custody arrangements and whether he was coping being a full time guardian or whether he was sharing that with Albert.
Buck went and spoke to Bobby and Hen, yelling them about the call, before ringing Albert and the Lees to ask them to tell Chimney that Maddie had contacted him and that he had recorded the conversation and asking them to inform him that he would play it to Chimney if he rang and asked politely, but that she had not told him where she was.
That night after the children were sleeping, he played the recording for Eddie who held him while he cried out his sorrow and regret that Maddie had only called for news about Chimney and had called him a liar and not even cared about him and Jee being injured. Listening to her on the recording while not stressing about what to say had made it clear to him that he and Jee were not in Maddie's thoughts at all while she was talking to him. Even knowing Jee-Yun was with him, she wouldn't have bothered to ring him if Chimney had answered his phone.
Eddie didn't know how to react other than to comfort his best friend. On one hand he hoped that Maddie contacted Chimney because then they'd hear regularly that she was alive and how she was doing, and Chimney would stop threatening Buck about finding her. On the other hand he knew how much it would hurt Buck for Maddie to side with Chim over the assault and battery. He thought to himself what he could tell the prosecution about Buck and Maddie's relationship to mitigate the damage her testimony would do but then realised that saying any of it would only hurt Buck more, and that wasn't worth it.
Buck got the trial dates off Hen and texted them and the details of the charges against Chimney to Maddie along with the names of several of the top treatment programs for PPD in the country, begging her to check herself in for treatment. He also sent her the next CPS review date for his temporary custody of Jee along with a copy of the current agreement and the stipulations for Maddie or Chimney to regain custody or unsupervised visitation.
He half hoped that all that information would at least cause Maddie to ring him again and demand more answers, or even just to curse him out and call him a liar over text, but he didn't hear from her and when he tried to call it went straight to the message that the message bank was full. He wondered whether she was deliberately saving all her messages so nobody could get through and leave her new ones. He dreaded the day he called and got the message that the phone had been disconnected.
A/N: Thank you to all those who reviewed, commented positively, followed, bookmarked or favourited or gave Kudos to this story for your support.