POV Santana
I know I have really messed up when sweet innocent Brittany calls me a bitch.
I tried to sit close to Brittany on the bus to the competition, but she was by Sugar and there were no seats open by them. Sugar made sure to throw me mean looks the whole bus ride. When she wasn't doing that, she would purposely bring up Skylar and what happened last night which made my stomach turn every time I heard her name. At least Brittany has a strong friend group that I know are there for her. We finished the meet getting first place. Brittany glanced at me a handful of times and each time I felt my heart skip a beat. I know I shouldn't be hopeful there is no way she will ever forgive me for treating her so unfairly. I am such an awful soulmate why did she end up with someone as pathetic as me. I can't even do the right thing and just fucking be with her. No, I have to put us both in pain and why, because my mom.
Flashback Thursday
Brittany dropped me off and I tried to reassure her that we would be fine, but I have this nasty feeling in the pit of my stomach.
I walked past my mom with my head low, not even looking at her because I know she is trying to judge mine and Brittany's interactions.
"Who was that?" She asks coldly.
"A girl from school." I say shortly not wanting to give anything away even though I feel the blood rush to my ears.
I feel her cold hands grab my wrist and spin me around pushing me against the wall in the hallway. She gets right up in my face and I can feel her breath hit me.
"Look at me when I am talking to you Santana." She gives me a hard look and I flinch back, hitting my head on the wall. "Now who was that you two looked awfully close."
"That was B-Brittany she is just someone from school. W-we aren't even close. I-I am um just using her to get more popular." I look off to the side not making eye contact with her. She is watching my face so closely I feel like I can't move under her gaze.
"Hmmm. Brittany, you say?"
"Yeah. Now can I go take a shower? I am all sweaty from cheer." I come up with an excuse to get away.
"Yes." She lets go of my arm. As I turn to go upstairs to shower. "Oh, and Santana." She pauses and waits for me to stop so she can finish. "Sam's mom called, there must have been some sort of mistake. She said something about you breaking up with him. Oh, and he said something about you being obsessed with a girl. That will stop instantly, and you will go back out with him." She says off handedly.
I spin around on my heels getting close to her now till we are nose to nose. I can't help but explode. She cannot tell me who I can date.
"Says you. I am not going out with Sam's mom. I did break up with him and you can't stop me from hanging out with Brittany." I put my hands up to my mouth, shutting myself up. Fuck I shouldn't have brought up Brittany's name again.
Her eyes narrow. "You know Santana, I was looking at your phone the other day and I saw something very strange about that girl's wrist."
My heart is beating too fast that I can't hear anything over the blood rushing to my ears. This cannot be happening.
"You will stop everything with this girl, or we are moving. Your dad is well known around hospitals, and they would welcome him anywhere. I swear to you Santana this is a promise." She grits her teeth and gets right in my face where I can see her blood vessel on her forehead. "If I so much as hear about you talking to her, we will move the next day, I will take your phone and you will have no contact from anyone here. You will end everything with her. If there was another school that would accept you around here, you would be transferred this instant."
"You can't do this to me. She is my soulmate mo.." A sharp sting across my face gets me to stop.
"How many times will I have to get it through that thick head of yours Santana. You cannot have a girl as your soulmate. It is wrong. I mean what I say Santana cut it off completely with that girl." My mom turns to walk away. "Oh, and you have a date with Sam tomorrow to apologize and beg that he will take you back." With that she leaves me.
I race up to my room and break down. This isn't fair. I finally got her. I want to be with her, and my mom is ripping her away from me. I slam my fist against my pillow. It isn't right how am I going to just not be with her when seeing Brittany causes my heart to beat like a hummingbird's wings. When she looks at me my breath stops when she touches me it feels like an electric current has run through my body.
"Damn it!" I yell into my pillow.
After throwing a tantrum and crying into my pillow for an hour I finally sat up. I can do this; I just have to shut down. Then we can at least be around each other and I can watch her from afar. It is not ideal but maybe I can do this.
End of flashback.
Sam, at my mom's request, picked me up after the meet and I knew Brittany was watching. I turn to her and meet her eyes and I plead with her to understand that Sam means nothing to me and for all his shit talk about us hooking up was fake, we have done nothing because I won't let him. I beg her to understand me even though I have given her nothing to understand. I felt like she punched me in the gut when she narrowed her eyes at me and turned away. I feel like complete shit.
"Hey, Santana, are you gunna invite me in?" Sam asks as he drops me off. His hand runs up my leg.
"No." I say stiffly. When I am with him, I feel nothing. It is like a black void inside me. I feel cold and emotionless.
"Aww come on Santana do I really have to tell your mom how you are not being a good girlfriend and ignoring my feelings." He tries to move his hand up higher just getting under the pleats of my cheerleading skirt.
"Fuck off Sam." I slap his hand away. "And stop being a baby you can tell my mom whatever you want but I don't want to be with you." I have finally snapped. I was wondering how long I could hold it in, but Sam mentioning telling on me really set me off and I just can't do this. "The only reason I am spending any time with you is because I am forced to. I am busy tonight so just go fuck yourself!"
I slam the door and storm to my room. "Shit." I say out loud.
I shouldn't have yelled at him. It is just going to bite me in the ass, but I am so mad at everything, and I could not take it anymore. I am mad at Sam, my mom, but most of all myself. I fucking hate myself right now.
I feel my phone vibrate and for the briefest moment I am hoping that it is Brittany, but my hope is squashed. It is just the meat head Puck.
Puck: Hey bitchy bitch I prolly shouldn't tell you this but there is a party going down at Stacy's house tonight and Brittany will be there. I don't know what the fuck you did but you need to get your shit together and fix it. Hope you can make it or I will be fucking your girl tonight because we both know I know how to please. ;)
Fucker man is such an ass. I can't just go out and see her. She hates me. What the hell is he thinking? It isn't like I can show up and bam everything is just peachy. She should hate me. I start to cry again. I hate me.
"Fuck!" I yell. I start to breathe too fast, and I can't catch my breath. I lean up on my knees and put my hands above my head trying to get myself under control, but I can't, and I feel like I need to throw up. I stumble off my bed and over to my bathroom and barely make it to the toilet when I start to throw up.
"Fuck." I groan as I collapse in the fetal position on the floor crying. What the fuck am I doing with my life I can't live like this.
When I finally calm down, I jump in the shower then get dressed so I am a little presentable, and by that, I mean no makeup and a sweatshirt and jeans. I can hardly give a shit to get myself to actually get dressed. I am so pathetic.
My mom is home. She just has been giving me the cold shoulder and not talking to me. It is almost like I don't even exist in my own house. My dad is never home so it is lonely. This being said she will not approve of me going to a party where Brittany is so the only option is old reliable Mr. tree outside my window. I climb out to the roof and hoist myself to the tree. I feel like I am in the clear as I shimmy down to the last branch when I hear a loud crack sending me sprawled out on my back on the ground. It almost makes me want to give up and just lay here all night, but the thought of talking to Brittany gets me to my feet.
I look down at my wrist and I have a pretty nasty gash on my arm that has started to leak blood. This also makes me notice my wrist does not have my band on it, and I don't care if I ever wear that thing again.
"Just gotta make it to this party." I mumble talking to myself to get myself pumped up. I flip up my hood and start walking down the street.
20 minutes later I find the house easily because Stacy has about twenty or so cars out in front of her house and the music is blaring.
I walk up to the house and can tell people are already plastered. They are stumbling all over and some are passed out on the front lawn. I walk inside and it is worse in here. People are groping each other and making out in the corner. There are many who are also on the dance floor grinding and just by knowing Brittany and her love for dance I know that is where I need to start. I push my way past the people in my way and scan the dancefloor. Like I predicted, I see a flash of blond hair in soft waves bouncing around. Her movements are slow even when the beat is fast, and I can just tell by her movements she is sad. It is in every step she expresses her feelings, and it makes me want to cry again. She is still the most beautiful girl I have ever seen.
As much as I shouldn't think it because of everything I have done I am still relieved when I see that she doesn't have a dance partner.
I need to talk to her though, so I make my way on the dance floor and get right behind her. I lightly touch her shoulder and she spin around. I see confusion flash in her deep blue eye then a flash of hurt runs across them then they transform to anger right before she spins around ignoring me.
I lean closer to her so she can hear me. "I deserve that, Brittany; I really do but do you think you could please please talk to me."
"Fuck off Santana." She says and I can hear a slight sob through her words which tear at my heart. I hurt her so bad.
"Please Brittany, I know you hate me but let me explain please. I probably won't even be here tomorrow."
She spins around and I see the anger storming in her eyes. She pushes me in the chest. "You really think you can come here and make me feel bad for you?" She pushes me again and I don't fight back. I deserve this. I stumble back barely catching myself, so I don't fall.
I look into her eyes. I feel so broken inside. "No, I don't, I just wanted to tell you the truth." I reach her hand to pull her with me so we can talk but she yanks her hand out of mine.
That was that. She hates me and won't let me explain. I nod sadly. "Okay, I will leave you alone." I give her a sad smile before I hang my head in defeat and walk away.
There is nothing else for me to do. This is probably my last night in this town so I might as well get shit faced because my mom will know I left to talk to Brittany.
I walk to the kitchen and drink. People come up to me, but I don't talk to them. Sugar at some point bumps into me probably on purpose, but I just drink.
As I am reaching for my next drink the blood that I forgot about drips onto the table making me giggle.
"Fuck, I am still bleeding." I say to myself as I stumble around the kitchen and clean up my little mess.
"Why are you bleeding?" I feel a cold tingly hand grab my wrist and clean it. She is so delicate as she takes a wet paper towel to whip it off. I can't help but stare at her. She wraps my cut in a band aid, and I notice how her blue eyes look at my wrist that is uncovered by the bracelet I normally wear.
I just stare at her open mouth as she takes care of me, I look like a gaping fish, I know super attractive. She is so beautiful though and I can't help it. "You have the sun in your hair." I blurt out.
She still gives me a stern look. "Santana what happened to your wrist." She says more firmly.
"Ummm." I get lost in her eyes until she snaps her fingers in front of my face. "I fell out of my tree to get here to talk to you." I finally got out and felt my cheeks tingle in embarrassment.
"You are so beautiful, my soulmate." I smile at her but my lips feel tingly, and I want everyone to know that Brittany is my soulmate and not Fuckermans like so many people think. "Brittany is my soulmate!" I yell out startling Brittany as I lift my wrist up to show everyone that will look.
There is a gasp and some murmurs going on around us, but I don't care. "We have the same mark that people think is a tattoo!" I keep going.
Finally, Brittany's hand shoots up onto my mouth stopping me.
"Is it true!" One of the girls from the squad asks, I can't remember her name because I didn't care.
"This can't be your soulmate is it, Britt?" Another asks then more people come over trying to look at my wrist better and compare it with Brittany.
I don't care, they can look all they want, but Brittany must because the next thing I know she is dragging me through the house and upstairs to a room and locking the door.
She has her back turned to me and her hands are on her hips and I can tell she is trying to calm herself down by her breathing.
"Britt-" I start but she cuts me off.
"What the fuck is your problem, Santana!" She turns around and glares at me. "You go from ignoring me to showing up at the restaurant where our date was supposed to take place with Sam after you fucked him!" I flinch. "Now you are here proclaiming that you are my soulmate after hiding it forever. You are giving me whiplash and I have no idea what is wrong with you? Is
this a mental breakdown? Are you on some drug?"
Brittany is looking in my eyes closely probably to check to see if I am high on something. I can't help but to smile, maybe because of the alcohol, or I am just so infatuated by her, and I love how concerned she is even though she hates me.
"Britt I ugm." I try to get my thoughts together from my intoxicated brain. "Ugh I didn't sleep with Sam. My mom made me go on a date with him."
"And you couldn't have told me that or anything? You left me completely in the dark Santana. Do you have any clue how it felt to think something was going great for once then being completely ignored without an explanation? Or better yet how about you are falling for someone, and they show up on what was supposed to be your date with their ex? No? You don't know how that feels? Well let me tell you it feels like your fucking heart was ripped out and stomped on."
I watch her struggle to keep the tears out of her eyes. They look so blue and watery right now and she has her arms wrapped around her body as she tries to hold herself together.
"Could I umm could I explain now?" I watch her closely and can tell she is about to turn me down, but I can't let this be our last conversation. "This is probably the last time we will even get to see each other." I shrug but feel the tears start. I know she probably thinks I am setting her up with a guilt trip, but I am not. I honestly just want to tell her everything before my mom intervenes again.
She looks startled. "Why do you keep saying that?" She raises an eyebrow at me.
I give her a sad smile and pat the bed I am sitting on. She sits down next to me making sure we have enough space where we are not touching. She is looking down at her hands nervously.
"Let me start from the beginning..." I go on explaining to her everything that happened after she dropped me off trying to tell her every detail.
"But wait. Why didn't you like take me to the closet at school and explain it to me why are you waiting till now."
"I didn't want to be taken from you. I figured if I could see you still, I could protect you from the shadows. I'm not saying it was a great idea," I shake my head, "but it was all I could come up with." I shrug. "Don't worry I hate me enough for the both of us. I just wanted to clear stuff up before my mom transfers us to who knows where."
"Why now?"
She is looking at me closely. "Well, I kind of fucked up and told Sam to go fuck himself then snuck out of my room to see you. My mom will for sure catch me then bye bye Lima." I flop back on the bed because the room is still spinning.
Brittany put her head in her hands.
"Well where do we go from here San because I can't trust you. I still feel hurt, but I don't want to lose you either."
I reach over the best I can searching for her hand. When I find it I take her hands into mine and look into her watery beautiful blue eyes. I give her a sad smile when her eyes meet mine.
"I am not trying to make you trust me Britt, I just wanted you to know and to not leave you in the dark anymore." I reach over and touch her wrist and run my finger over her mark. I give a little laugh and a shrug. "No matter what happens Britt." I shrug again. "I do love you."
I get up because I know she needs to take everything in and I have told her everything now. I look back one more time to see her looking at her mark. I take her in. Everything about her is just so beautiful and I can only hope that I can see her again. I feel a tear trickle down my cheek as I walk away.
It takes me a half an hour to stumble home. I am still pretty drunk when I make it to my house. I fail to notice lights being on when I open the door quietly.
"Where have you been?"
I look into the living room to see my mom sitting in her chair. Her arms are crossed, and she is scowling at me. I hand my head. As if my night couldn't get any rougher.
A/N
Thank you so much for everyone who is reading this story, following, and commenting. It really means a lot and I really enjoy ready all the comments. Thank you so much!