Chapter 71: Frog Soup
[Interior: New Wartwood main chamber]
Squeaky-Voiced Frog Teen: Uh, Commander Sasha? We just received a message for you. It says it's from a guy with intel on the enemy.
Sasha: Thanks, uh… I wanna say "Todd"? *takes it* "Dear Commander. Stop. I have valuable information on King Andrias's troop movements. Stop. Am willing to exchange them for valuable money. Stop. Come meet me in at the southwest entrance. Stop. This isn't a telegram. Stop. We haven't invented those yet. Stop. It's just that this guy keeps poking me. Stop. Okay, he stopped. Stop. He did it one more time. Yours truly, as far as you can tell, Rupert F. Swackhammer."
Grime: This seems like a setup.
Sasha: Well, yeah, I mean can that name be any more fake? But still… I feel like it'd be a mistake to not check it out.
Grime: At least being some back-up..
Sasha: Grimesy, I know what I'm doing. This is probably some opportunist looking for a handout. I can handle it.
[A non-descript tunnel]
Sasha: Okay, I'll give it one more minute, then I'm outta.
[Three frogs arrive. One has horn-rimmed glasses, a thick mustache an eyebrows, and is holding a vaguely cigar-like caterpillar in his hand. The second has curly black hair and wears a shabby-looking suit and a short, vagely conical hat. The third has curly blond hair, a squat, battered top hat, and a long trenchcoat.]
Rupert: How do you do, sir or madam. I'm Rupert F. Swackhammer, and these are my assistants, Calamari-
Calamari: Ey, how you doin'.
Rupert: -and Sketchy.
Sketchy: [honks abdomen of bug resembling a bicycle horn]
Calamari: We're-a here to provide inelegance.
Sasha: Intelligence.
Rupert: Fine, we'll do it your way. Now first things first, you have to realize that it's dangerous out there. Why, the other night, I was forced to kill an elephant beetle in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas, I'll never know.
Sasha: Why does this all feel familiar?
Calamari: We've-a got that kind of faces.
Sketchy: *honk*
Rupert: I'm getting to it, I'm getting to it.
Sasha: You understand that?
Rupert: Not one bit. Say, who does your interior decorating? You should give them whatever the opposite of a raise is.
Sasha: Yeah, I'll get right on it. Can we get to the point? I don't feel like playing straight man. (under breath) Not like I'm qualified for either one…
Rupert: Right. Calamari, give me the file.
Calamari: Right, boss. Sketchy, gimme the file.
[Sketchy pulls an enormous fish out of his overcoat]
Calamari: Atsa notta da file, atsa da fish!
[Sketchy pulls out a long flute and plays a few notes]
Calamari: Atsa da flute, I ask for da file!
[Sasha facepalms. Her hand starts to drift toward her sword]
Sasha: …no, they're not worth it, you're supposed to be working on your temper, you can't blow all that progress just because of an excess of schtick… [deep breath, rubs bridge of nose] Can. You. Tell. Me. Anything. Useful.
Rupert: Ah, here it is. *pulls out notepad. The enemy is planning to sieve a dozen spider eggs, one stick of cowapiller butter, a quarter pound of beetle pastrami..
Sasha: …that's your grocery list, isn't it.
Calamari: No, thatsa the intel. The enemy, she'sa very hungry.
Wally: Oi! Looks like I got 'ere just in time!
[Wally hops into the scene]
Sasha: Lemme guess… Grime sent you to check on me. (wistful smile) That paranoid sweetie. So… what's going down?
Wally: What's going down is that these aren't spies. They're three of Amphibia's most notorious con artists… Croucho, Leapo, and Hoppo, the Marsh Brothers.
Leapo: I think the jig, she'sa up, boss.
Hoppo: *honk*
Croucho: Con artists? Why, this is an outrage! I resent that accusation! I don't dispute it, but I resent it. I've half a mind to leave in a huff right now! Wait, scratch that. I'll need at least a minute and a huff. How'd you find out about us, anyway?
Wally: It was your brother, Steppo.
Hoppo: *honk*
Leapo: Atsa true. I knew kickin' 'im outta the group would come back to bite us.
Croucho: But we didn't need a straight man! We got the hummus right here!
Sasha: We're called humans!
Croucho: Really?
Hoppo: *honk* [pulls out a box of crackers]
Croucho: No, put 'em away, we're not gonna need 'em.
Sasha: WILL YOU GET OUT OF HERE?!
[The Marsh Brothers flee clumsily]
Wally: That exit was more of a "Three Frog Stooges" sort of thing…
Sasha: Well, that was a waste of time.
Wally: Yeah, it was like someone needed to fill a chapter but couldn't really think of anything good, so he just threw a bunch of stuff together at the last minute.
Sasha: I know right?
Wally: Anyway, I didn't just come to get rid of those guys. Grime just got a message from our real spies. 'e says there's word that the King has somehow enslaved the Valley's wildlife and is using it to aid in 'is conquest.
Sasha (fist pump): Finally, something useful! Let's go check it out. We'll take a small team… you, Mrs. Croaker, Loggle if he can tear himself away from the gym…
Wally: Aye aye, Commander! [salutes, exits]
Sasha: I dunno… it's not like I need to go on the mission personally… [rubs chin] but why does it feel like this is going to be something I have to be there for? Ah, who am I kidding… I need to do something worthwhile today. [sigh] man… I can't believe how long Anne and Marcy've been gone…
[She looks back down the tunnel]
Sasha: To think I used to think frogs were just gross animals… now I can't imagine life without them. Was this what it was like for you, Anne?
[She waits, staring wistfully, until Wally, Croaker and Loggle return]
Loggle: Ready to roll out, Commander! *flexes*
Sasha: Whoa, Loggle. Got a license for that gun show?
Loggle: Depends. What's a "gun?"
Sasha: Never mind. [puts on helmet]: All right, gang… let's go make "Anne's Army" proud.
A.N.: I'm… I'm really sorry. I hope you liked this bit of self-indulgent tripe. I'm a big Marx Brothers fan and I didn't really have anything else to put here. I generally hate the word "filler", but I really don't know what else to call it. At least it has some relevance in that it directly leads into "Commander Anne".
MarMar: Yeah, one of my big complaints was that there was no followup to Marcy and Maddie bonding. And yes, it was absolutely a "Core and the King" reference, since it's a perfect example of one of those episodes where the main cast doesn't appear. And I wouldn't be surprised at all if Valeriana rigged it on purpose (the story "Medicated" suggests as much), since it was kind of odd Anne could hear what was going on outside.
Jose: That does seem to be the temples' job… which makes you wonder how they actually work.
Gloyd: I mean, Molly is lovable, but she can be… a lot, and she does tend to push until she gets her way. The handshake thing is a good point, but maybe she grew to miss it after being separated for so long.
Ashley: Well, there was Negaduck, but that was mostly because Disney screwed us out of the Darkwing Duck spinoff. And it's too early to say anything about my post-Anne's Journal plans.
Next: Bessie and MicroAngelo (but mostly Anne and Bernardo)