Together we will rise

by Jinxgirl

Post Glee, canon through season 5 and then AU after. About a year after Brittany and Santana have broken up, Brittany learns of a traumatic incident Santana endured and the suffering she's going through. Their paths draw together again as together they work to rebuild their lives- and eventually, their relationship. Trigger warning: incident of rape/physical assault, homophobia

17. Chapter 17

Santana was not looking forward to Christmas.

It had been different growing up. Christmas was magical as a child, and then as a teenager and into adulthood, she still felt the magic through Brittany, who loved it so much. She spent more time at Brittany's over Christmas and Christmas break than in her own house, whether they were dating or not, other than the last year, of course. But the last year had changed everything, and Christmas was no exception.

Going home to her parents for Christmas was not an option Santana wanted to consider. To her, it wasn't an option. After all, they hadn't picked up the phone to invite her or even ask her what her plans were, and they had put up very no fight the first year she told them she would be spending the holiday with Brittany without visiting them at all. Nor had they the following year, or the following.

It seemed to Santana that her parents' lives were perfectly content and perhaps even better without her being part of it even tangentially, and she was hardly going to put herself somewhere that she wasn't wanted. Part of her suspected that, as much as they had voiced acceptance of her sexual orientation when she was forced to come out to them, they also had felt then and after that it put them in an awkward position to choose between their daughter and their extended relatives. Her abuela, her father's mother, was the only person who had outright disowned Santana, but other family had made it clear that they could not fault her reasoning in doing so, even if they were too "gracious" to do so themselves. By Santana staying distant, emotionally and physically, she was pretty sure she was making things easier on them all. Her parents could socialize with family without feeling any tug of duty towards her, or any need to make choices between.

She knew that Kurt and Rachel were both going to their parents for Christmas. Both had texted her suspiciously on the same day and within ten minutes of each other supposedly "casually" asking her what her plans were for Christmas, and she knew exactly why they were asking. They wouldn't say so, but if she admitted that she would be spending the holiday entirely alone for the first time since, well, ever, they would either feel obligated to ask her to come for Christmas with one of them, or else they would feel obligated for one or both of them to stay with her in New York. She refused to allow any of those possibilities to occur. For one thing, the thought of staying with them and their families on a pity invite was excruciating to her pride, and the thought of keeping them from going to see their families when she knew they both really wanted to was worse. Santana couldn't do that to them, and besides, she knew neither would want to have to invade her privacy and dignity by telling their families why they felt they had to stay with her, nor of course did she want them to.

So she was deliberately vague when she told them she "had plans" for Christmas, without actually admitting that those plans were to stay alone in Brittany's apartment. Because she'd be damned if she was going to tag along with Brittany on her visit home without an explicit invitation either.

Sure, Katherine had told her she would be glad to see her when Brittany came home. But that had not, to Santana, been an explicit invitation. For all Santana could be sure of, it meant she would be glad to see her for a day or an hour, not for the entire length of Brittany's stay. And she wasn't going to ask for anything that Brittany herself hadn't asked her to do. What if Brittany really wanted and needed time alone with her family- time apart from Santana? Santana couldn't keep that from her, if that was what she wanted.

No, until Brittany or her parents very clearly spelled out otherwise, Santana was resigning herself to spending Christmas alone, as much as it would kill her to do it. The more she thought about it, and the closer the days came to Brittany making the trip back to Lima, the more anxious Santana became in dread of it. She found herself having more restless nights, knowing that soon she would be sleeping entirely alone in the bed and in the apartment, with Brittany's reassuring presence entire states away. She would have to shower alone and eat alone, if she could make herself eat anything at all, and leaving the apartment by herself was going to be completely out of the question. Hell, she'd be lucky if she could get up the will to leave the bed.

As the December days ticked down relentlessly, Santana found herself unable to keep from becoming progressively clingier with Brittany. She found it hard to let her out of the room without trailing after her, and if it was possible to be within an arm's length of her, she was, if not outright touching her. With only a couple of days left until Brittany planned to leave, she found herself huddling in Brittany's lap on the couch one evening, feeling teary and anxious as her thoughts obsessively picked over the fears she was having of the upcoming long days alone. She fought hard to maintain a level of calm though, for Brittany, and after several long minutes of silence, swallowed, gripped Brittany's arm around herself, and said as calmly as she could manage, which was far less calmly than she thought she sounded to her own ears, "Britt, when you go see your family I want you to just concentrate on having fun and relaxing with them, don't worry about me. I'll be okay for a few days, and you'll be back soon."

She was pretty sure her voice didn't shake or anything. Much.

The dust had more or less settled in December, only to kick up again with the holidays. It was a crazy time for everyone - Christmas shows at the studio, Santana's first semester finals, the swell of tourists into the city to see the sights, making the streets and all public places insanely crowded, even in their quiet neighborhood. Brittany had registered that Santana had been having a rough few weeks but, from what she could tell, it wasn't caused by anything in particular. She'd assumed it was just a wave of trauma, accepting the clinginess and need for extra reassurance easily, happy to placate Santana's anxiousness when she saw it peak. Brittany tried to adjust them both as easy as possible, taking extra time in bed with Santana in the morning to talk about their day and go through their schedule in detail, knowing they would talk about it again at least twice more that morning. She'd pull Santana to her in the night when she felt her shifting or heard her whimpering, tugging up the hem of her shirt to rub her bare back or tucking her in as her little spoon, whispering a few sleepy comforts and mumbles until she felt Santana calm against her again. Whenever she was leaving the room briefly - if only to grab her charger or a glass of water from the kitchen, she announced it so Santana didn't have to immediately spring up to go with her, and whenever she sat or laid on the couch, she always opened her arms, knowing Santana would be in them just a moment later.

That particular night, she knew Santana was extra weepy and restless, growing particular agitated on their walk home. Brittany held her in her lap silently, only half paying attention to whatever movie they'd put on, her hand trailing absentmindedly up and down Santana's back. She wasn't sure if it was something that had happened in class or if Santana was just feeling upset that day, not reading too much into it. Brittany was certain that if something was truly bothering her, she'd say something soon enough, so she was happy to let her curl up in her lap until she emotionally steadied herself or decided she wanted to talk.

Santana, evidently, decided she did want to talk, and Brittany kept her arms around her as Santana sat up a little, gripping onto her arm. She nodded a little when Santana began with her name, keeping her face encouraging and open, prompting Santana to talk about what had been upsetting her that day. She assumed it was a new version of the nightmare or something in class, but when Santana spoke, Brittany furrowed her brow. It took her a moment to catch up with Santana's train of thought, but when she did, her heart cracked painfully, registering what Santana was saying, what she'd been thinking.

"Oh, San," Brittany sighed, feeling guilty that she hadn't brought it up to her sooner. "What did you think I was going to do, leave you here all Christmas?" She raised her eyebrows, unable to even fathom leaving Santana to fend for herself. "I want you to come with me," Brittany said out loud, wanting to make clear to her that she would in no way ever leave her.

Santana's mouth opened a little, her eyes getting wide as Brittany's words sank in. She looked at her closely, peering into her face to assess how impulsive Brittany was in her words. If Brittany had just now decided that, she didn't want to make her feel bad for planning otherwise initially.

"Well...yeah," she said somewhat lamely. "Because you didn't say anything, so I sort of thought you wanted to go see your parents by yourself. And it's okay."

She frowned a little when Brittany told her plainly she wanted her to come with her, shifting her weight in her lap. "But I don't have to. And your parents didn't invite me, they probably don't want me there the whole time when it's their daughter's visit. It's okay, Britt. And the planes are probably sold out for flights by now anyway. Besides..." She trailed off, not sure how to put into words what she thinks- that she's too different, too weird and sad and frankly crazy to want the Pierces to see just how much she's changed. "It's okay. It's a few days."

Brittany instantly felt guilty for not explicitly confirming it with Santana. She knew Santana needed verbal reassurance and promises and repetitive statements, but she'd assumed they go home together due to anything else being basically out of the question for them.

"I'm sorry," She blurted, keeping her arms around her as she shifted in her lap. "I didn't think you'd even…I didn't consider you staying in New York to be a real option." Brittany confessed honestly. Not only did she think Santana couldn't handle being in New York alone, Brittany couldn't handle going back to Lima without her and not worrying the entire time about her wellbeing.

"You do have to," Brittany said softly, her fingers scratching along Santana's lower back gently. "I don't think it's a good idea for you to be here alone," She pointed out, "My parents already think you're coming, it's not that they didn't invite you," Brittany clarified. Santana was always there, it went without saying in the Pierce family. "I bought your ticket when I bought mine. I'm sorry I- I should've told you, I just never even thought about not taking you with me," She promised, confessing that not only had she paid for Santana's ticket back to Lima, but she'd already done it.

Santana looked dangerously close to tears, and Brittany felt a pang in her stomach at how nervous and upset Santana must have been to bring up the conversation and how much she must have thought about it and about being in New York alone. "I got you a window seat too," Brittany nodded, as if that alone would make it more real that they already had tickets.

Santana lifted her eyes again to Brittany's, peering up at her through her eyelashes with a mix of hope and doubt plain in her expression. She sucked in a deep breath, her chest visibly rising and falling as Brittany apologized, and leaned in closer against her chest and into the circle of her arms.

She had spent so much time worrying and stressing and fearing what she saw as her inevitable loneliness and fear during the holiday alone, and here Brittany was telling her it was never going to happen, that she would never allow for that. Here Brittany was telling her it was always the plan for her to come with her, to the point of her buying a ticket and giving her a seat by the window. Because Brittany knew she hated feeling boxed in, because Brittany knew she sometimes got dizzy and nauseous on planes, boats, or other less used modes of transportation than cars.

Brittany had never intended to leave her alone. Brittany wanted her to come home with her. Santana was never meant to spend the holiday alone.

As this slowly sunk in, along with the effort Brittany had gone to in order to try to plan for her maximum comfort on the trip, Santana's eyes brightened with tears. She rubbed at them with one fist, trying to keep them back, and wrapped her free arm around Brittany's waist in a fierce hug as she said in a small voice, "You have a ticket for me? You really want me to go home with you? Your parents know, they don't mind?"

Brittany hummed with pleasure as Santana leaned into her, wrapping her arms around her, knowing her emotions were running high because of how anxious she was and how deeply her thoughts had spiraled. She knew Santana was rubbing at her eyes to wipe away the tears, feeling sorry that she'd overwhelmed her with thoughts of being in New York alone instead of making sure she knew.

"Of course I do," She answered quickly, her hand resting on the back of Santana's head. "I'd never leave you, I told you I'd never leave again, remember?" Brittany said, referring to their conversation about the breakup. She knew traveling home wasn't the same thing as leaving, but she'd still never abandoned Santana for that amount of time.

"They know and they are very excited to see you," Brittany reassured her with a grin. "You're as much their daughter as Hailey and I, my mom can't wait."

She wasn't exaggerating that statement at all, her parents had fawned over the fact that Santana was coming for the holidays, her mother insisting on it. She'd told her family, in very vague detail, what had been going on with Santana, and knew that even in their excitement, they'd be respectful of her and make sure the house was calm and quiet for the both of them to unwind from the whirlwind that life had been the past few weeks.

"You're my family, of course I want you there." She hummed, rubbing the back of Santana's head gently.

Santana rested her head under Brittany's chin, not quite hiding her face, but placing herself where she can't easily be watched. She takes several shuddery breaths, a few more tears threatening to overflow, and snuggles her body closer into Brittany, hanging onto her waist to support herself and return the holding.

"Yeah," she said a little shakily, although to be honest, she had in her anxiety and fear completely forgotten Brittany's promise. "You...you did say that. That you'd never leave me." She hesitated, then whispered, head directed down towards her lap, "I kind of forgot, I guess. Sorry."

She smiled, tremulously but genuinely, when Brittany assured her that her parents wanted her to come, were happy for her to. She imagined all the warm smiles and hugs and greetings they had in store for her and smiled a little more, relaxing slightly against Brittany.

But when Brittany told her that she was her family, her smile turned into a full on, dimpled grin, her eyes crinkling at the corner even as they sparkled with tears. She turned into her, hugging her fully with both arms, pressing her chest into Brittany's so their hearts beat together. Her head still beneath Brittany's chin, mouth aimed towards Brittany's collar bone, she whispered quietly enough she wasn't sure Brittany heard her or even that she wanted her to, but with sincerity.

"I love you, Britt."

When Santana tucked herself under her chin, Brittany leaned back against the couch, the air in the room already feeling lighter now that they'd talked about it and seemed to have a reason for Santana's touch-and-go emotions over the past week and her unexplained clinginess. It hurt Brittany's heart to consider how much Santana had probably been thinking about this and thinking about them separating for the holidays.

"No no, it's my fault," Brittany promised, "I should've made sure you knew." It went without saying that Santana was comforted by words and schedules, especially recently, and Brittany felt guilty that she'd just assumed she'd known that she'd be coming back. Usually, Santana was amazingly calm and responded well after being given verbal reassurance, but, thinking back, she really hadn't been given that when it came to Christmas plans.

She accepted the hug gratefully, feeling Santana's body more heavy and relaxed than she'd felt her in days, contentedly resting against her chest. Brittany made a humming, soothing noise in the back of her throat, glad that Santana had brought up going home for Christmas and she'd been able to placate some of her worries around the upcoming holiday. She knew Santana had likely been near panic when it came to thinking about staying in New York all alone for an extended period of time, and she hated to think of that consuming her mind so much recently, grateful that she could instead take her home to her family where she'd been warm, safe and loved.

I love you, Britt. The words were so quiet Brittany, for a moment, wasn't even sure that she'd heard them, but they were so unexpected that there was no way she could've imagined them. She knew Santana couldn't see her face, but her mouth dropped open a bit out of pure shock, twisting almost instantly into a grin instead. Squeezing her in her arms, Brittany tilted her head down, burying her face against Santana's neck, both of them tucked into each other.

"I love you too, San," Brittany laughed from pure shock and happiness. She knew, even thought it was her, having Santana say that unprompted was huge, after everything she'd recently been through. "I don't think I'll ever get tired of hearing you say that," Brittany admitted, remembering that once, she didn't think she'd ever hear Santana say those words again.

Santana smiled a little more as Brittany tucked her own face into Santana, soaking up the warm, soothing feel of her body close to hers. She twined a strand of Brittany's hair in her fingers as she continued to embrace her, enjoying the silken feel.

When Brittany told her she loved her, her eyes nearly disappeared with the wideness of her responding grin. She gave Brittany's collar bone an impulsive kiss and heaved a slow, calming breath against her, tickling the skin of Brittany's neck.

"Guess I should say it more then."

Brittany grinned, feeling Santana's fingers thread through her hair - their mutual love of the other's hair was something that had started years and years ago, both of them playing with the other's hair as they lay in the dark.

"You can say it as much as you want and I promise I'll never get tired of it," Brittany swore, giggling when she felt Santana kiss her collar bone. She picked her head up after a moment, resting her cheek against the top of Santana's head, content to cradle her there. "I could never spend Christmas without you," She promised, and it was true. She loved Christmas, but Santana really loved Christmas, and seeing the joy on her face during the holidays (most of which she'd always spent with Britt's family, save for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day when Santana would spend it with her own.

"This is the first time you've been back to Lima in awhile, right?" Brittany wondered, knowing from Rachel and Kurt that Santana hadn't been back since. Silently, she wondered if Santana would want to see her parents, or even call them and tell them she was back in town. Her first instinct was that both of the answers to those questions would be no, but she knew if it was something Santana wanted, she'd support her.

Santana continued to finger Brittany's hair, rubbing it between her fingers lightly, and rested her head against her chest. As Brittany cradled her, she relaxed more fully, even as her brain continued to churn.

"I don't want your parents to see me with eating," she murmured, not sounding anxious so much as concerned. "I don't want them to worry or think I don't like their food. Or thinking I'm being rude. Do they know about it? You know."

She lifted her head a little when Brittany asked about her returning to Lima. She shook her head slightly, her eyes darkening. The last time she had was the last time she went with Brittany to see her parents at Christmas back when they were still dating.

"No," she said simply. "No reason to go. No one asked, so."

She shrugged as though it didn't matter to her, but the truth was she remembers exactly the last time she spoke to her mother. It had been over a year ago, when she called to explain she wasn't coming for Christmas for the third year in a row without explaining why. Her mother had responded with an easy "Okay, perhaps next year, baby."

No questions. No demands for explanations or threats to come up to New York herself. No asking if Santana was okay.

Santana couldn't even remember the last time she spoke to her father. After that conversation with her mother, she had waited, deliberately, refusing to contact her in any way until her mother did first. It had been over a year. She was still waiting.

"Mmm," Brittany made a hum of acknowledgement when Santana voiced her concerns about her family seeing her eat. "I didn't tell them everything, I only told my mom the most important things," She explained candidly, wanting to be transparent with Santana. Brittany had thought hard about what to say and what to omit but knew she had to speak to them and that she couldn't bring Santana into her house with her family without informing them of certain things so they'd know how to react. She knew if she didn't the chances of Santana getting upset were much, much higher.

"My mom won't think you don't like her food," Brittany promised, dragging her fingernails up and down Santana's back. "I told her enough about it. We don't have to eat with them and you can pick what kind of things you want to have in the house, we can go to the store one day or something." Brittany assured easily, knowing that familiar food would comfort Santana, even though she'd eaten at Brittany's house a million times before. She'd explained in simple details what had been going on with Santana's eating issues, and knew without even having to question it that neither her parents or her sister would ever comment on Santana eating or how small she'd gotten.

She felt Santana's body language change just slightly when she asked about going to Lima, but Brittany didn't react to it, continuing to rub her back as she digested what Santana said, feeling her heart crack. Santana's relationship with her family had always been rocky - the entire Lopez family dynamic was one that Brittany couldn't even begin to understand fully, even though she'd known Santana for years. Santana's mother, while kind, seemed so far away from her daughter, almost aloof to her life in a way that made Brittany sad, thinking of everything her mother was missing out on. She knew Santana's shrug was forced, that although she feigned not caring, her family's lack of interest in her life was a deep, deep pain point.

"Well, you got asked this year," She said, pressing a kiss to Santana's temple.

Santana made a humming noise of content when Brittany scratched her nails over her back, arching into the touch lightly. She considered Brittany's words, accepting them with only a twinge of discomfort. She is glad her parents won't comment on her, even from a place of love or concern, but it still bothers her to think of them seeing her as she is now. "I don't like them seeing me like this," she murmured, referring to her smaller size and food anxiety. "It feels like I failed or something."

She smiles slightly when Brittany kissed her head, her heart wrenching less painfully than before at the gesture. She takes Brittany's hand and holds it to her lips. "Yeah. I did. Best place to be."

She wrinkled her nose at Santana's comment. She understood it, of course, but also knew that her parents were the last people to think about passing judgement on her. "I know you don't, but you're perfect just like this." Brittany promised, tucking her hair behind her ear and leaving her hand there, rubbing her thumb soothingly against the soft spot under Santana's ear.

"You didn't fail anybody," Brittany hummed gently. "They're just happy to see you. Something happened to you and you're working on it and that's all." She promised, presenting it to Santana in the simplest of terms. "They love you and are happy that you're coming home. How you look right now doesn't mean anything. All they want is for you to be happy and healthy and they're willing to create a place where you can be that and don't have to worry about eating with them or things like that." Brittany assured her. She knew her parents would do basically anything for Santana, like they would for her, and that they'd make a point to treat her gently when they were in Lima.

Smiling when Santana kissed her hand, she nestled her face in her hair. It hurt her heart to think that Santana had gone so long without visiting their hometown, knowing it had to be because her communication with her family was so sparse now. "Will you tell your parents you're back home?" She asked gently.

"Perfect? You need your eyes checked," Santana rolled her own eyes but smiled. "Try mine on, you might need to borrow them."

She melted a little further at Brittany's continued soothing touch and words, almost purring at her gentle attention and care. Her skin is tingling pleasantly, which makes it easier for her to accept what Brittany is telling her more.

She lifts her eyes to Brittany when she asks about her parents, not quite tensed, but some of the calm going out of her expression. She pressed her lips together in thought, torn between equally strong desires to maintain her pride and to try yet again to get some of the attention and validation she still craved from her family.

"I don't know. I've been not talking to them," she admitted softly. "I wanted to see how long it would take before they called first." She hesitated, then admitted, "So far it's over a year."

She paused again, her features open and soft with vulnerability when she asked, "Should I tell them?"

Brittany giggled at Santana's sarcasm, knowing that even though she rebuffed Brittany's declaration of being perfect, it meant something to her all the same. She continued gently caressing Santana, knowing that she had likely run herself ragged thinking about the holidays, now sinking into calm.

She knew she was on thin ice asking about Santana's parents and her contact with them, a sensitive subject even for Brittany to ask about. She'd barely heard anything about them since she'd returned to New York, all signs pointing to the fact that Santana hadn't told them anything or really even spoken to them. Santana confirmed this a moment later, also confessing that she'd been waiting for her parents to reach out first. That alone sent a pang through Brittany's heart, knowing that if Santana was playing that game, she might lose it hard. Her parents were notoriously cold, and Brittany wondered if her parents had even noticed that they hadn't heard from their daughter.

"I don't know," She sighed honestly. "It's up to you. You can come to Lima with me and not see them, or you can tell them you're coming and I can drop you off at your house to spend a little time with them."

Even calling Santana's house "your house" sounded strange to Brittany - Santana had obviously grown up there, but it seemed like a far away memory now, a place neither of them had been to in so long. She wanted to steer Santana in the right direction but with this, she wasn't sure what was best for her or how her parents would react.

Santana thought about this, aware of and soaking in Brittany's touch. She frowned as she considered all the different possibilities. None of them felt right to her. It didn't feel right to tell her parents she was coming; what if they said they were busy? What if they barely talked to her? What if they didn't even want her to come?

Showing up randomly at the door was even more nerve wracking to think about. What if they were so used to her not being around they didn't even have time to hide that they would rather have her not there when she surprised them? What if extended family was there, the same family who had backed Abuela's conviction against her?

But it also hurt her heart to think of coming to her hometown and ignoring her family entirely. It would feel like she was almost calling them dead to her, or accepting that she was dead to them.

Her thoughts showed in a complex flicker of her emotions in her eyes as she thought about it. The only thing that would be right is if they called her right now and told her to come home, and that won't be happening.

"I don't know what to do," she admitted finally, her voice small. "I don't know what will happen. None of it is how it's supposed to be."

She could see the different options being weighed in Santana's mind as she frowned softly, a gesture that Brittany had always thought was cute, something she always did when she was concentrating hard. Now though, it just struck her as sad, how hard she was thinking about whether or not to communicate with her own family. So many times, Brittany wondered how much easier Santana's life would've been if she'd come from a stable, loving home and had strong relationships with both parents. The shaky ground of her upbringing only made everything harder, and as much as Brittany tried to fill in the cracks, she knew she could never match up to the relationships Santana wanted with her family.

"That's okay," Brittany promised, her lips against Santana's temple as she spoke. "I know, Babe, it's not how it should be." It was important to Brittany that Santana knew that she saw her family life and disagreed with it - Brittany was firm in her conviction that her parents were missing out on loving their daughter, and she hated how hot and cold Santana's family structure was.

"You don't have to make a decision right now. You can think about it for awhile and if you decide to call them, you can do that, or even if you decide you want to call them while you're there, you can do that too." Brittany said, wanting Santana to know she didn't have to rush to make a decision right then. She wished she could've guided Santana better and had more insight about how her parents would react, but she truly couldn't predict the Lopez family if she tried, even though she knew Maribel fairly well and they'd always been polite to her, at least to her face.

"Whatever happens, it'll be alright," She cuddled Santana even closer to her. "We're going to Lima to spend Christmas with my family, and they love you and you'll always be welcome there." She reminded her, knowing that nothing could replace her own family.

Santana closed her eyes into Brittany's kiss on her head. She didn't fail to notice Brittany calling her babe, for the first time since she had come back to New York, and a ghost of a pleased smile curves her lips. She had always loved when Brittany called her sweet names like babe or baby, honey or sweetie, although she would have denied it vehemently to anyone who happened to catch that. Brittany and her parents - and very rarely, her own mother-were the only people who ever would have dared to attribute such words to Santana, let alone actually say them to her face.

She nodded slightly as Brittany reasoned with her the possible ways she could delay her decision on how or when or whether to talk to her parents. That definitely felt like something she wanted to do- she didn't want to make any kind of decision now, not when she could focus on just being with Brittany. Not when she knew now that she would be with Brittany through the holidays, which was a huge relief and far more than expected.

"I know," she said in response to Brittany's comforting words, rubbing her hand over Brittany's arm gently. "I know. That's the only place I really, really want to be. With you and your family, wherever you're going."

Brittany smiled when Santana rubbed her arm, her sweet words making her heart thump. Her family was all too happy to embrace Santana and welcome her, something they'd been doing for nearly a decade. It softened the blow just a little, the reassurance that Brittany's parents were so attentive to Santana when the same couldn't be said for Santana's own family.

"You'll always be with me," She reassured, meaning it. Lacing her hands together with her arms looped around Santana, she felt a pang of guilt that she'd spent a few Christmases not with Brittany or with her family, already knowing that those had probably been lonely days for her.

"What did you do last year?" Brittany asked softly, curious to see if she'd been alone or if Rachel or Kurt had stayed. "I'm sorry, my parents would've probably loved to invite you to Christmas even when we weren't together. I didn't even think of it really." She confessed. She'd gone home for Christmas, so having her ex there surely would've complicated things, but Brittany felt guilty that she hadn't reached out, even if they hadn't been talking during that period of time.

Santana's smile faded, and she squeezed Brittany's arms, her head down. She didn't like thinking about Christmas last year. At all. But Brittany had asked, and so she told her, honestly.

"Kurt went home," she said quietly. "He thought he should, because of Finn. Carol being lonely and sad without him there. Rachel stayed here with me, because of Finn too, I think. It's still hard for her sometimes to go to Lima and have those kind of reminders, and she knew I wasn't going back. And her dads, one of them is Jewish, so Christmas isn't a huge thing for them. She went home for Hannukah and came back before Christmas, so she had just seen them."

It had been a strange, awkward time. This was before her assault, but it had still felt sad and lonely to be there, eating Chinese food, with Rachel on Christmas. They had done presents, drank far more alcohol than they actually needed, and watched movies, and Rachel had attempted to persuade Santana to sing with her but been met with refusal. Thinking about it, Santana smiled slightly. In hindsight, although neither friend had asked Santana if she was staying in the loft alone, that might have been something they figured out themselves. Maybe part of the reason Rachel stayed, though not all of the reason, had been for Santana.

Brittany felt the squeeze, knowing the topic was a tough one, hating the thought of Santana not having a good Christmas. She prepared for Santana to tell her she spent it alone, which she would've hated, but when she told her she actually spent it with Rachel, Brittany felt herself smiling gently. She still was sad that Santana hadn't been home with her family, but hearing that Rachel had come back to the city for Christmas made Brittany feel a little better. "She was a good friend to you when I wasn't there," Brittany observed softly.

Of course, they'd had their ups and downs with Rachel since Brittany had reentered the picture, but Rachel seemed incredibly apologetic after their last argument, and Brittany knew she'd always cared deeply about Santana. "Well, this Christmas and every Christmas afterwards, you can come home to my family." She promised her, meaning every word. She already felt bad about last Christmas when they'd been separated and she didn't check in, there was no way she'd let Santana do a Christmas almost alone again.

Santana smiled slightly down towards Brittany's legs, acknowledging her approval of Rachel. She knows Brittany is right; Rachel has done her best to be a good friend, even if Santana makes it difficult sometimes. And even though she would rarely acknowledge that to Rachel.

"Yeah, she has," she said softly. "But I'm never drinking her spiked vegan eggnog again. I puked inside my mouth."

She nodded, her smile a little easier at Brittany's promise, and rested her head against her shoulder. "Good. You're stuck with me. And I'll always want to come if you ask."

Once they'd cleared up the fact that Brittany would definitely not be leaving Santana for the holidays, Santana had noticeably calmed. Therapy had been exhausting and gutting for the both of them, but Santana had been a trooper through it all, and Brittany was looking forward for some much needed time away from the city and the busy day to day of their lives. She knew Santana hadn't been home since before the breakup and the assault, and while she was slightly nervous about how she'd be in an unfamiliar setting (although she'd been at Brittany's house hundreds of times before), she was looking forward to bringing Santana to a quieter, calmer environment that didn't have constant reminders of the pain and trauma she'd suffered.

She knew traveling would be nerve-wracking, especially based on the fact that Santana had never been a good flyer to begin with, but she tried to gloss over that fact with little reminders of Christmas cheer and reminders of how excited her parents were to see them. Ultimately, Santana had decided not to call her parents and tell her she was coming, something Brittany supported and never mentioned after they'd discussed it once. She understood that it came from a place of fear - what if Santana had reached out and they didn't want to see her?

They'd packed together in a single suitcase, Brittany's suitcase, which they'd checked at LaGuardia before going through security. All of it was jarring and busy and fast, but Santana was doing remarkably well through the entire ordeal. Brittany was still grateful, though, when they finally got to the gate and settled themselves in a pair of chairs in the corner, away from the rest of the passengers on their flight. There were tons of people, tons of men around, and Brittany's goal was to keep Santana as far from anyone else and as close to her as possible. "You okay?" She asked gently, reaching her hand over to rub Santana's thigh.

Santana had indeed relaxed once Brittany reassured her that she would be accompanying her on her visit home. Her need to cling had lessened, sleeping was slightly better, and her mood had become far less volatile. True, her first appointment with the therapist had been draining in every way, but she had gotten through, and she had even agreed somehow to go back.

She was a little nervous to see Brittany's family again after so long, but also excited. It would certainly be far better than being alone in their apartment. She tried not to think about her parents or her decision not to call them. Stubborn as it may be, she was still waiting and hoping on them to call her, and so far the wait remained eternal.

It was the flight that Santana actively dreaded. She did not in any way look forward to fighting the crowds at the airport or being stuck in the closed space of a plane. She tended to get dizzy and nauseous on flights, but Brittany had promised her a window seat, and she would much rather be feeling uncomfortable and sick on a flight with her than desperately lonely and eaten up with anxiety home alone.

In the airport Santana stayed close to Brittany as she could, her arm hooked through the other woman's, and tried to keep her mind focused on each step she took and what task she was about to accomplish. She tried to pretend none of the people around her were actually there, and she managed with no serious surges of anxiety to make it through security and checking in. Still, she slumped gratefully in her chair next to Brittany, only realizing then how tense her muscles were when Brittany rubbed her leg and it twitched beneath her hand.

"Yeah, I'm okay."

Brittany smiled at her as she responded, not exactly believing her, feeling the tension in her leg. "You did really good at security," Brittany reminded for the third or fourth time. Santana had done great at security and overall been fine with the rush of getting all of their things through and separating from Brittany long enough to get through the scanner. She'd done fine with all the lines and waiting around and rush of people, and overall, Brittany was very proud of her, although she knew what Santana was dreading most was the actual plane itself.

"The flight is only two hours," She reminded gently, going over their plan again, having discussed it with Santana both in the security line and in the uber to the airport. "We'll board in the same group and we can put up the armrest between us and you can sleep on me." Brittany reassured, although she knew Santana getting any sleep on the plane was unlikely. "Then we'll land and my dad will pick us up in Columbus and bring us home. My parents have reservations tonight so it'll just be us for dinner, Hailey might be home but she'll probably be in her room or something." Brittany knew Santana was still nervous about being around her parents in general, especially with eating, so she was grateful they'd be on their own tonight to give Santana the chance to adjust and warm up to Lima.

Keeping her hand where it was running soothing strokes up and down Santana's leg, Brittany held her gaze evenly. "Tell me what's making you nervous, Babe." Brittany knew, of course, all of the hundreds of little things about their current situation that were making Santana nervous, but she wanted her to vocalize them to her, to see which ones she was focusing on in that moment so she could calm the current fears Santana had.

Santana rolled her eyes, dismissing Brittany's praise, but smiles in spite of herself. She knows Brittany believes what she's saying, that she's proud of Santana for something as simple as getting through the necessary steps of checking into an airport. Personally Santana thinks it's pretty sad that her life has gotten to the point where that is worth praise, but she still enjoys hearing it from Brittany.

"I know," Santana murmured, shifting a little to rest her head against Brittany's shoulder as she continued to rub at her leg. "Two hours. I can deal. Even if I break your hand during the landing or pass out, I'll survive."

She had deliberately not eaten breakfast out of concern that she would throw up once on the plane. She had reasoned she would rather pass out and be blissfully unaware of the plane ride than throw up.

Listening to Brittany lay out their plan again to her, Santana nodded against her shoulder slightly. She already knew the plan backwards and forwards and sideways, but it was always comforting to hear it again. When Brittany asked her to tell her what was making her nervous, she exhaled, even as her lips curved in a small smile. She still loved to hear her call her babe.

"All these people," she muttered. "Way too many. I don't like it, I just want it to be you and me. I don't know them and I don't like them."

She sighed, finding it difficult to talk about these things in public, even with Brittany, and let her eyes flicker around to make sure no one was paying attention before continuing softly.

"What if something happens on the plane? Or if someone hijacks it? Or if I get sick in front of everyone and it's embarrassing and they all look at me? What if they have to stop the plane and let me off and everyone is mad at me? And your parents might not say anything but they might look at me like they feel bad for me and I don't want them to feel bad for me. And what if I can't eat anything even if I try? What if I freak out and have a panic attack in front of them over something?"

That was one thing that had come about from the session with the therapist- giving Santana the understanding that some of the times she had what she thought of as meltdowns were actually panic attacks. She had certainly felt panicked during them, but she hadn't realized that everything she was experiencing was common and expected during one and not actually meaning she was crazy. Nevertheless, knowing didn't make the prospect of having any in the future feel any better.

Brittany grinned when Santana agreed that she could deal for two hours but would potentially break her hand in the process. "I give you permission to break my hand, I don't think you're going to pass out, but you can definitely break my hand." She grinned, giving her leg a comforting squeeze as Santana tilted her head against her shoulder.

When Santana confessed that she didn't like all the people around them, Brittany hummed a nod of acknowledgement but didn't respond immediately, knowing there was more, waiting patiently for Santana to continue. She could basically see her eyes looking around, scanning all of the people around them, particularly seeing if there were any large men or men wearing hats- which there were, Brittany realized, although she hoped Santana didn't notice them.

Finally, the dam broke and Santana let out her stream of questions, telling Brittany all the things that had been on her mind that day while Brittany continued to rub her leg soothingly as they sat. She didn't interrupt her, waiting until Santana stopped, either running out of questions or pausing because she wanted verbal comfort from Brittany.

"Those are a lot of things to worry about and all very scary things," She acknowledged to start, trying to remember all of the concerns Santana had just listed. "I think it's okay if you get sick on the plane, plenty of people get sick on planes," She pointed out softly, "That's why everyone has a barf bag, like every seat. Plus, I'm sure most people will have headphones in, and no one can even see you except the people in our row, and really, just me because you're in the window and I'm next to you. I think you'll be okay, but if you're not, I have a water bottle in my bag and the flight attendants deal with this all the time. You're not going to pass out and they're not going to stop the plane because you're going to be fine." Brittany hushed, sliding her arm around Santana's lower back and resting her hand on her hip. "The whole flight is going to be over before you know it, and no one is going to hijack the plane because that hasn't happened in a super long time and that's why security is so strict," She assured her.

"My parents feel bad for you," Brittany confessed, "Santana, I feel bad for you. Awful things happened to you, and you deserve for people to feel bad for you," She hushed, not speaking any more on the awful things that had taken place, but asserting that Santana was someone who deserved sympathy, even though she hadn't been given it many times in her life. "Having people feel bad for you isn't a bad thing. My parents feel bad for you because they love you and care about you, and they're not going to judge you because none of us have ever gone through any of what you're going through. They're just excited you're coming home and they're going to give you space. You'll be okay eating just like you can eat with me in New York now. We can go to the store and you can pick anything you want. If you get upset in front of my parents, we'll go upstairs in my room and lay down and that's it." She soothed, patting Santana's hip.

Santana smiled slightly when Brittany gave her permission to break her hand, but although she had been joking, it was a serious concern she had. She didn't want to hurt Brittany, ever, and she definitely didn't want to break her bones.

As Brittany slid her arm around her, Santana let herself be drawn closer against her, her hand coming to rest on Brittany's leg so their arms crossed over each other. She let out a slow breath, trying to let her eyes come to rest on Brittany's hand rather than the crowd around them, although the hairs on the back of her neck are still prickling and she is still feeling guarded, ready to jump up and run if any person crosses her path who looks especially menacing to her.

"Yeah, but I still don't want to be sick," Santana grumbled, sighing. "It's embarrassing. That's why I wouldn't eat this morning. Sorry. I'm still trying, really. I just didn't want to get embarrassed on the plane."

She continued to listen as Brittany swiftly countered all her anxieties, and when Brittany told her that her parents did indeed feel bad for her, that she herself felt bad for her, Santana's breath caught, and she bit her lip, eyes filling as she cast them down to her shoes. All of her life, she had fought to present such a tough, unlikeable front that no one would ever dare feel pity or empathy for her; she had worked to make herself a person for whom this would be near impossible. It had felt necessary for a number of reasons, and one of them had been that she knew if she was ever shown true empathy, any defense she had would crumble, and the sensitive, needy, vulnerable girl beneath would be exposed and open to hurt as well as to care.

She tried to listen to Brittany's continued reassurance of how her parents would respect her space and privacy, how she could still eat with her and still get what she needed to get through. But all that she really can focus on is her gentle pointing out that her parents feel bad for her, Brittany feels bad for her. Her voice is tight with unshed tears that she works hard to blink back as she says, "It feels bad for people to feel bad for me. It doesn't feel...right."

"I don't think you'll be sick as long as you remember to take deep breaths and keep breathing," Brittany reassured softly, knowing Santana did get nauseous and dizzy on planes but it was also partially due to how upset she made herself on planes that lent to how bad it got. "You can just put your head on my shoulder or lap and rest for a little and then the flight will be over," She said calmly, patting Santana's hip when she assured her that she was trying, feeling a swelling burst of pride at how Santana was able to vocalize that she really was trying.

"I know," She whispered, squeezing her around the waist a little. "You've been doing amazing. Today doesn't count because we have a lot going on. Freebie day," Brittany promised, grinning into Santana's hair. She knew there were really no such things as freebie days in recovery, but she knew one a day like today when there was so much other stress around them she wasn't going to push Santana.

She heard Santana's breath catch when she reassured her that her parents wouldn't judge or crowd them and did indeed feel bad for her. Brittany hadn't meant to upset Santana with her assurance, but knew how easily Santana got emotional when it came to things as simple as maternal care. "Hey hey hey," She cooed, shifting Santana ever close to her. "We feel bad for you because we love you," Brittany explained in a lullaby voice. "Because you didn't deserve all the things that happened to you, Santana. Some things just happen to people and it's not fair."

She knew she was speaking to something far deeper than just the fact that Santana was emotional about her parents feeling bad for her, knowing that deep down, Santana thought she deserved every bad thing that had happened to her, right down to her own parents taking an absent role in her life. "Feeling bad for someone just means you love them, and my parents love you. Take a deep breath before we have to start boarding, Babe." She hushed, patting Santana's hip soothingly.

"Okay...I can close my eyes and hold your hand, and I'll lay my head in your lap," Santana said aloud, making a plan to reassure herself. "And I won't get sick. I won't."

She smiled when Brittany reassured her she was doing well and wasn't upset or judging her for not eating today. Freebie day. She would have to remember that. And maybe take advantage of the term, just sometimes.

As Brittany continued to comfort her, holding her and stroking a hand over her hip as she explained her and her family's love for her, Santana took in a breath as she had encouraged, swallowing hard, and blinked back tears with a slight sniff. She was still getting used to Brittany telling her out loud that she loves her, to being called affectionate names again, and it makes her smile again. She wrapped an arm around her waist and squeezed her back.

"I know. It's okay. Is it about time to board?"

Brittany nodded reassuringly to the plan Santana repeated to her, knowing she'd probably walk her through it again once they boarded too, hoping they didn't spend too much time on the runway before actually taking off. She continued to hold her, listening to her regulate her breathing, impressed with how well she was handling it and doing it in a airport full of people bustling around.

"You're doing really good," She encouraged, glancing up to check the screen. "Almost for us, we're in group three so it'll take a sec, but our seats are right by the front of the plane."

That had been another part of Brittany's strategic planning, she knew sitting Santana in the back of the plane, so far from the door and in a place that would take so long to deplane would only make things worse.

They lapsed into a comfortable silence for a few minutes, Brittany patting Santana's hip gently, checking the screen every so often until their group was called. She let them sit for a few minutes extra until the swell of passengers in their group had died down a little before sitting up a little straighter.

"You ready?" She asked softly, sliding her hand from Santana's waist and patting her leg gently before standing, lifting their shared bag on her shoulder before holding her hand down to Santana for her to take as they filed into line to board. Brittany was holding both of their tickets in her hand, handing them to the agent at the gate as the scanned into the flight and stepped onto the jetway to file onto the plane. Santana had been behind her at first, with Brittany in front, but as the waited to step onto the plane and take their seats, she pulled Santana in front of her, knowing she would be calmer with Brittany right behind her instead of a stranger at her back.

She kept her hand on Santana's waist as they filed down the narrow aisle into their seats in the 8th row, sending Santana in first to sit in the window before slipping in next to her, putting their bag on the floor between her feet before reaching over and opening the window shade. She wasn't sure how well Santana would do with the shade up during take off and flying, but she thought while they were on the ground at least, it would make the plane seem not so small, especially when most of the plane was still standing up and crowding in the aisle, taller than them and blocking their exit as they all tried to file in and take their seats.

"How're you doing?" She asked as she leaned over to click Santana's seatbelt into placed around her lap. "Do you want to take your jacket off?"

Santana's breathing picked up only a little when it was time for them to stand up and board the plane. She had calmed almost entirely while resting against Brittany, reminding herself over and over silently that she would be right beside her on the plane, she wouldn't have to be super close to a stranger, and she could try to go to sleep. She would get through this. It wasn't by any means her favorite thing, but she would be okay.

Squeezing Brittany's hand, she stayed as close to her as she could, trying to make herself small in the loose bulk of her jacket, her free hand shoved into its front pocket. Santana let Brittany take the lead in handling the tickets and was grateful when she pulled her just in front of her, as her nerves picked up when they actually stepped aboard. She tried to focus on Brittany's hand on her instead of the small space of the plane or the people in front of and behind her, trying to breathe into the space her hand is touching at her waist to distract from letting her lungs tighten up too much.

She let out a grateful breath when they found their seat, immediately pushing up the armrest between them so she could move closer against Brittany. When Brittany clicked her seatbelt for her, Santana shook her head, wanting the baggy space of the jacket around her as a comfort. She threaded her arm through Brittany's and tried to curl up in the seat as much as possible while still buckled, gripping her arm tightly.

"I'm okay," she said, her voice a little tight, but steady. "Nervous though."

It's mostly the people all around them in the aisle that is bothering her, so she tries not to look at them. The actual take off itself is also on her mind, but she can't exactly avoid that.

Brittany nodded in response to Santana letting her know she did not want to take her jacket off, instead tucking the coat around her more as she helped her get settled. As Santana curled into her body, she loosened the seatbelt in her lap just a little, giving Santana more freedom to move her hips and her body in her seat so she could turn to Brittany easily. She knew they had a minute until everyone else was seated and ready and so she tried to talk to her to take her mind off the fact that they had a flight ahead of them.

"Ohio's going to be freezing," She whined, running her hand over Santana's legs where they were curled up on the seat. "I feel like we don't notice the cold in New York that much, but we're definitely going to in Ohio," She giggled, remembering all the freezing Cheerios practices before they moved inside for the winter and that one time she'd convinced Santana to skip school and go sledding with her. "I wonder if there'll be snow at home," Brittany wondered idly, knowing Ohio wasn't much colder than New York but it seemed to always get snow earlier than the city.

Soon enough, the aisle had cleared and the flight attendants had started passing through making sure everything was ready for take off. The seat next to Brittany had remained empty for long enough that she actually hoped it would stay that way for the entire flight, but one of the last people to board ended up taking it. A man had sat down next to her, and while she hadn't acknowledged it verbally, her eyes had quickly flicked over to him, doing an assessment in the span of half a second. He didn't seem particularly threatening or at all interested in them whatsoever, but the three of them were now sharing the mere six feet of space within their three plane seats. He was definitely older than them and way taller than even she was, but he looked fairly polite from what she gathered in her momentarily glance. She wondered, fleetingly, if it would've made more sense to put Santana on the aisle, but doubled back on that thought, knowing she'd be on high alert if she had activity and people on both sides of her. The window was best, she settled, even if a man was between the two of them and the aisle.

Leaning down, Brittany made sure her bag was tucked under the seat in front of her, her hand still on Santana's leg and Santana's arm still looped through hers as she plane began to move out towards the gate, the sound of the jets kicking up. Sitting back up, she patted Santana's leg again, angling her body more toward Santana.

"Ugh, I know," Santana agreed, trying to focus on the conversation Brittany was starting with her. She knew very well that she was trying to distract her, and she didn't care. She was more than willing to let herself be distracted. "Who invented winter? I swear, if hell is a thing, it's not fire, it's below zero frosty death temperature. Where everyone walks around like a blue popsicle with ice in their hair and eyebrows. I mean, I know you think snow is pretty and snowmen are fun but I'm happy to let you and Hailey do all that and I'll drink coffee and watch from the nice, warm, toasty window. Inside the house."

She couldn't exactly say she was feeling relaxed, but she was edging as close to it as possible considering the circumstances when the flight attendants began walking up and down the aisle. But then she saw a man pause beside their row, seeming to check that he had the correct seat. A tall man, bigger and taller than Brittany, and older than them both. That automatically caused her to tense up, but when the man didn't continue on, instead settling into the seat beside Brittany and buckling himself in, Santana's heart began to thud, and her entire body went rigid.

She was going to have to sit this close to this huge, strange man for two hours? With just a few inches separating them? How was she going to do that? What if he touched her?

Santana's eyes dropped to Brittany's hand on her leg, barely able to feel it, as her breathing began to pick up faster. She clutched onto Brittany's arm with both hands, gripping her almost in a claw-like intensity.

"I want to get off," she whispered close to her ear, her voice tight and high with anxiety. "I can't sit here, I need to get off, let's just drive. Can we get off and drive?"

The moment she turned to her, Brittany felt Santana's fingertips digging into her arm, holding on desperately to her as her breathing escalated. When Santana leaned into her ear, Brittany tilted her head to meet her, sighing as she listened to what she said, not missing the hint of hysteria on the edge of her voice and she pleaded with Brittany desperately, her last chance at begging Brittany to somehow get them off that plane before it took off.

She could read all of the signs Santana was giving her - she was going to panic if she kept going. The way her entire body was rigid, the way she was already sucking in air too shallow, her eyes so wide Brittany could see the whites around her irises. She could nearly see the way fear was wrapping Santana in it's grasp and she knew she had to do something, had to catch Santana in the presence and hold her there before she spiraled further into her panic.

"We can't get off the plane Babe," Brittany reminded, pressing down against Santana's leg, pressure, grounding her. "You're okay, San. Stop." She shifted in her seat more, turning her torso to face Santana. Both her hands came up to grip Santana's biceps, holding her there, demanding her attention. "Look at me. We can't get off the plane and it's going to take off soon and it's going to be okay." She nodded as she spoke, as if she was convincing herself as much as Santana. "I know you're upset and I know you're scared and I know why, but it's okay, there's nothing to be afraid of." Brittany dropped her voice a little lower. "He doesn't know you or me and he doesn't want to hurt us, he's just someone going to Ohio too." Brittany reminded her. "He just booked a ticket and he had no idea he'd be sitting next to us. There are lots of other people here on this flight who are going to Ohio for Christmas too, and lots of other people on the plane who will make sure nothing bad happens to us. Nobody can hurt us here. There are flight attendants and other people who will help us if we need anything."

She let her hands run up and down Santana's arms, trying to force calm into her body. She knew Santana was fighting not to crumble between Brittany's hands, and Brittany held her gaze steadily, willing her to calm, trying to push her back from the ledge.

Santana's breath came to a shuddering halt at Brittany's soft but intent words, and she gulped several times, eyes still wide, but focused on Brittany's. When Brittany turned fully towards her, holding her upper arms to further force her to focus, Santana drank in every detail of Brittany's face, trying to ground herself with the other woman before her.

Brittany was telling her she was okay. Brittany was telling her she didn't need to be scared. Brittany was telling her she was safe. Brittany was here.

As Brittany rubbed her arms, Santana's breath continued to come in uneven spurts, her heart galloping, but she kept trying, her eyes never leaving Brittany's. She remembered then one of the techniques the lame therapist had said to try for panic attacks in the assessment a few days ago and tried it after several moments, altering it slightly so it focused on Brittany alone.

Five things she could see- Brittany's eyes, Brittany's nose, Brittany's lips, Brittany's cheeks, Brittany's forehead.

Four things she could feel- Brittany's hands on her arms, Brittany's shirt against her skin, Brittany's leg pressed against her own, Brittany's breath against her face.

Three things she could hear- Brittany's voice, Brittany's breathing, the slight friction of Brittany's hand rubbing her arm.

Two things she could smell- Brittany's hair, Brittany's scent near her.

One calm word and Breath- Brittany. Brittany. Brittany.

Coming down from her waves of anxiety, Santana leaned forward, pressing her forehead into Brittany's shoulder to hide her face. Her breathing is better now, and she is only slightly shaky.

Santana did her part in holding Brittany's gaze as she sucked in jarring breaths, her eyes wide and alert, but focused on her now instead of glancing around nervously. She knew Santana to was struggling to keep her composure and keep from spiraling out completely, but she could see how hard she was working for it. Brittany kept soothingly trying to remind Santana that there were other people around who would help them if they needed it, and the man sitting next to her was likely just trying to visit Ohio to see his family or friends and just happened to be sitting there. When Santana got upset logic and facts didn't matter, but when she was coherent enough to still listen to Brittany and keep her composure, Brittany found that pointing out all the things around them and reminding Santana of the facts usually instantly calmed her.

She watched Santana process what she was saying, as she rubbed her arms, processing that this man was a stranger and had no ill will, processing that they were in public and nothing could happen to them right there, processing that Brittany wouldn't let anything happen to her at all. Brittany held her gaze steadily, watching her face for any sign of further upset, seeing her eyes shift just slightly across her features as Santana kept a focus on her face.

"You're safe right here," She assured as Santana kept silent, letting her come down from her unwanted, anxious high, holding her still and holding her eye contact.

They sat there until Santana leaned into her and Brittany sighed in relief, wrapping an arm around her back as she pressed herself into Brittany's shoulder. "I've got you," She promised, her hand resting on Santana's head.

Outside, she felt the plane start to pick up speed, and soon enough, she felt the wheels pick up off the ground. With her freehand, she unfurled Santana's tight fists and gently laced her hand through hers, holding onto her in every way she could and letting Santana do the same in return. "Just keep breathing, San." Brittany cooed, leaning past her to shut the window shade before putting her hand back in Santana's. "There's lots of air coming out of the vents and we have plenty of room in our seats so no one will touch us." She reminded as Santana kept her head buried. "You're doing so good."

Santana breathed in Brittany's scent, the mix of the material of her jacket, the sweet scent of her shampoo, and the unique smell that was just Brittany, her favorite of all smells in the world. She grasped Brittany's hand when Brittany laced her fingers through it, squeezing back, and tried to soak in all the comfort that she could from her soft words and tight embrace. Brittany was holding her in every possible way that she could given the small space of the area, and Santana kept herself small and tight against her, eyes closed.

Her stomach flips when they take off into the air, and she doesn't dare lift her head, afraid she will feel worse or more anxious if she looks up. She also doesn't want to look at the man beside Brittany. Despite Brittany's reassurances, she didn't know if she believed he wasn't looking at her after her making such a scene, and she didn't want to know if he was.

"Keep talking," she said in a barely audible whisper against Brittany's shoulder and neck. "I don't care what you say, just talk."

Although she felt her twitch slightly, she was ultimately grateful Santana didn't lift her head when they took off, not wanting her to be set off by anything around them or further upset just looking around the plane, all of the passengers, and the fact that they were stuck on it until it touched down in Ohio. She was thankful Santana kept her head tucked down instead, pressed against Brittany's neck in her comfort spot.

"We'll be in Ohio in just two hours," She hummed, pressing circles into the back of Santana's skin with her hand. "And then it'll be like we're in our own little snow globe world away from New York City, I think you'll like being home," Brittany babbled, her voice gentle and slow, loving and tender as she attempted to bring Santana down from her tense high. "It'll be so quiet and slow there, every morning we can wake up late and then go hang out and watch movies in the living room with my family. We can go on walks to look at all the Christmas lights and it'll be so different than New York because the sidewalks won't be crowded and there won't be a lot of cars and things that might upset you, it'll just be us." She smoothed Santana's hair gently as she spoke, hoping the sound of her voice was enough to lull Santana out of her panic.

Santana listened as closely as she could, trying to imagine everything Brittany was spelling out to her about their time in Lima. She tried to imagine walking hand in hand with Brittany in the snow and the pretty lights, drinking coffee on the couch snuggled close to her, chatting with Katherine and Hailey. She imagined throwing snowballs at Hailey and Brittany, and her breathing evened out gradually until she could actually give a small smile against Brittany's neck.

She kept her face against Brittany's neck and shoulder, adjusting her body a little so she is more comfortable, less rigid and clinging and more just resting against her in an embrace. With Brittany still caressing her hair and rubbing her back, Santana eventually drifted off into sleep.

Brittany continued her meaningless babble, painting a few serene moments of their future that Santana could look forward to as she kept her face buried in Brittany's neck. She was grateful the man sitting beside her had headphones in and seemed generally uninterested, knowing if he asked if she was alright or tried to strike up a friendly conversation, that would only cause more unraveling on Santana's part. She knew there was limited comfort she could provide Santana in their current position, based on the fact that they were around so many people and there was nothing they could do to distance themselves from the situation, but Santana, Brittany soon realized, was doing a good job of calming herself down and keeping her breathing relatively under control.

She kept her hands moving, running over Santana's back, her arm, her leg, wanting her to feel as safe and held as possible. Eventually, the tense muscles she felt knotting under Santana's skins seemed to melt away, and her once jerky breathing grew long and heavy, her head lolling on Brittany's shoulder. She was surprised, but ultimately grateful Santana had slept, knowing the flight would pass much easier for her if she could sleep for at least part of it. Brittany continued to hold her, although she didn't sleep much herself, instead whispering comfort to Santana when she stirred out of sleep occasionally, adjusting her so she could slip back into slumber.

Only when they were about to descend did she gently squeeze her arm to wake her, knowing the change in pressure and sound of the jets would jar her out of sleep anyway. "Wake up, Babe." She cooed softly. "We're about to land."

Santana's eyes fluttered against Brittany's neck, and she kept her face pressed close to her, not wanting to have to wake up and face the reality of the plane. She made a sleepy noise to acknowledge she heard but didn't lift her head, still grasping Brittany as much as was possible.

As they descended, she felt the change in pressure and swallowed hard, feeling a little nauseous, but hung on, not looking up, until she felt the plane stop moving and the overhead announcement to the passengers. Finally she looked up at Brittany, trusting only her.

"We're here? Wow...I fell asleep."

She peeks at the man, who is removing his headphones, but no longer feels threatened by him. Sitting up, she slides her hand into Brittany's, still marveling.

"I fell asleep."

Brittany kept her arms around Santana, keeping her hands running soothingly over her body as they plane shifted into descent, feeling Santana's body tense just a little with the drop as the plane landed, holding her until the plane was safely on the ground and had stopped moving. She didn't rush her, knowing they had time before they had to stand up and deplane, letting her adjust to being awake and on the plane.

When she did look up, Brittany was there to meet her gaze evenly, smiling at the sleepy and adorable look in Santana's eyes as she came out of her nap. Her voice was lazy and sleep-clogged and Brittany couldn't help but grin at how cute she sounded. "You did fall asleep," Brittany confirmed, bringing her hand up to brush Santana's hair off her face. "You slept almost the whole time, and I held you the whole time," Brittany explained, confirming everything that happened. "Nothing bad happened and the flight was quick," She added, confirming that no one had spoken to them or tried to interact with them while Santana was sleeping.

She squeezed Santana's hand proudly when Santana slipped her hand into hers, watching her eyes glance quickly behind Brittany, not craning her neck to look herself, instead keeping her body turned toward Santana. "You did amazing," Brittany glowed at her, a proud smile on her face. She was still marveling at the fact that Santana had done so well at calming herself down, calm enough that she had fallen asleep. "Now all we have to do is get our bag and then my dad should be here to pick us up," She smiled calmly.

Santana smiled back at Brittany's confirming words, still blinking a little sleepily as she further reassures herself that she really did fall asleep and everything was okay while she was out to the world. When Brittany positively beamed back at her, she smiled a little more, enjoying Brittany's pride in her, even if she doesn't quite feel it herself.

"Oh, your dad's the one getting us?" she perked up, her smile widening further. "Are your mom and Hailey waiting for us at home?"

She said the word "home" about Brittany's parents house without even thinking about is, not even registering the use of the word as anything unusual considering in actuality, it's Brittany's "home". It feels more like her home too than her own parents' house has in a long time.

"Oh...can we drive around later and look for Christmas lights?" she adds, this idea striking her. "Or maybe we can do that with Tom on the way home if he wants to."

Brittany nodded, silently registering Santana's use of the word home. "He is, I think he tried to convince my mom and Hailey to take the drive with him and they both probably said they didn't miss us enough to sit in a car for two hours each way," Brittany giggled, picturing her mom and sister both having very convenient excuses instead. "But they'll be home when we get home," She nodded, "They may have gotten out of driving to Columbus, but they're really excited to see us." Brittany reminded Santana.

She grinned even wider at Santana's suggestion, nodding again. "Of course we can."

It was nice to see Santana so excited about being in Lima. Brittany had feared it would be hard for her, coming back for the first time in so long without contacting her family, but she was pleasantly surprised that Santana seemed so giddy and was already suggesting activities. She was broken out of her realization by the announcement that they could begin to collect their things, slipping her hand into Santana's as she stood.

"We're just gonna walk to baggage and then get in the car with my Dad now," Brittany reminded, waiting until the man next to her had left before stepping into the aisle and putting Santana in front of her again, keeping their hands linked and one hand on her arm as they filed up and off the plane into Columbus Airport. "You're doing really, really good San." She repeated, giving her hand a squeeze as they made their way to baggage.

"They lie, they totally miss us enough to do that, they probably are just running around cleaning the house and stringing up welcome home banners or something," Santana smirked, partly serious, partly joking. "Whatever. I'll just make sure to remind them that we flew all the way out there and they couldn't be bothered to meet us, so now they owe us."

Santana squeezed Brittany's hand as she took hers, staying close to her. As they walked into the airport, Santana's heartbeat picked up a little, but she took a few more breaths and tried to focus just on Brittany, on the closeness of her presence, her hand in hers.

"I'm not doing really really good, I'm just doing normal person stuff," Santana rolled her eyes at Brittany's praise, even as she smiled, still enjoying it and appreciating it. "I'm walking. No one else around here is thinking they're doing something amazing just by walking."

Brittany laughed out loud, rolling her eyes at the thought. "Honestly, you might be right, my mom loves to host and I think you're her first house guest in awhile. She's probably pulling out all the stops." Again, Brittany was only partly joking, knowing her mother was insanely excited, but also knowing there wasn't even that much she could do to prepare, being that Santana would be sleeping in her bed so there wasn't even need for an air mattress.

"Yeah but this is scary for you," Brittany reminded her gently. "No one else around here has probably been through what you have," She continued with a squeeze of her hand. "And still, flying is hard for some people, but you did it." They found their baggage terminal easy enough and Brittany slipped her arms around Santana while they waited for theirs, letting her lean into her for a few minutes in the interim, glad to be in the less busy section of the airport now, taking out her phone to confirm that her dad was outside.

Once their shared checked bag had rolled into view, Brittany stepped forward to lift it off the belt, pulling up the handle before offering her free hand back to Santana

"You ready?" She asked with a smile. Rolling their luggage, she led them out onto the sidewalk where, sure enough, her Dad's car was parked. She couldn't stop the excited bounce on the balls of her feet seeing him climb out of the drivers side and hurry around the car to greet them, catching her first in a bone crushing hug. Brittany kept one arm reached back to hold Santana's hand, wrapping her free hand around her dad in return, holding the hug for a few long seconds before she stepped back, her smile still in place.

"Oh it's so great to see you girls!" Her Dad's grin mirrored Brittany's and he gave Santana a much faster, gentler one armed hug, Brittany noticed, her heart swelling at how sensitive he was being. "Okay, it's freezing, in you both go!" He motioned to the car while he took the suitcase and bag from Brittany, popping open the trunk of the SUV to load them in while Brittany ushered Santana into the backseat of the car and climbed in after her.

Thomas Pierce climbed back in the driver's side a moment later, throwing them a fatherly grin in the rearview mirror as he pulled away from the curb, fiddling with the heat to make sure the car was warm for them. "How was you girls' flight?" He asked kindly. "Katherine and Hailey are just thrilled that everyone will be home together."

"It's still normal person stuff," Santana insisted, even as she continued to keep close and grip Brittany's hand, avoiding getting anywhere near brushing another person. "And I bet someone has. There's a lot of people here, it's not like I'm that special. Not even special ed special. Yet," she added, somewhat playfully, despite the twistedness of the humor.

She was grateful for Brittany's arms around her nevertheless, protecting her, as they waited for their baggage. As they walked towards the parking lot, Santana's heart thumped in both relief and excitement when Thomas came into view to greet them. She hugged him back, glad when he kept the hug brief and gentle, and was relieved that the hug didn't scare her or make her anxious, as she had feared for a moment it might. Getting in the car, Santana sat close to Brittany despite the room for separation, again grasping her hand automatically after buckling.

"I went to sleep," she shrugged in response to him. "Probably drooled and snored, you'll have to ask Brittany. And I have Katherine and Hailey's number by the way, tell them we expect streamers and cake and a welcoming parade since they were too good to meet us," she said playfully.

Brittany beamed at how well Santana was doing through it all. Aside from her nerves when the man had sat down next to Brittany, she'd kept remarkably calm through it all, even letting Mr. Pierce envelop her into a one armed hug. She was actually looking forward to such a long car ride, knowing it would give Santana a chance to mentally prepare for being in Lima and seeing her family and decompressing from the hectic day of travel that they'd had.

Sliding in next to her, Brittany wrapped her arm around her, holding her hand with her free hand, settling in for the drive as her dad pulled onto the highway. "She drooled on me the entire time," Brittany deadpanned seriously, keeping her face serious for a few seconds before breaking out into a smile, meeting her Dad's grin in the rearview as he shook her head at her joke. Her parents were well versed in her humor, and her dad occasionally lobbed it right back at her, a level of understanding that her mom and Hailey failed to catch onto immediately.

"You'd be hard pressed to find anyone that could convince my wife to get in the car for two hours," Thomas chuckled. Katherine Pierce got motion sickness and used this excuse to get out of long drives whenever possible, a tactic that Hailey had picked up on, even though Brittany wasn't entirely sure she believed her because Hailey had never even gotten sick. "I think Katherine is cleaning as if you've never been over before."

Brittany rolled her eyes at this statement, her mother loved to be stressed and fluttering around hosting, even though Santana had seen Brittany's room and the entire Pierce household in varying levels of disaster.

"San and I are going to drive around and look at Christmas lights when we get home," Brittany grinned, "Maybe we'll take Hailey if she's not having a teenage meltdown." She giggled, poking fun at her sixteen year old sister.

Santana settled herself against Brittany, actually more relaxed after her nap. She rubbed her thumb briefly over the back of Brittany's hand, enjoying her continued affection. She smirked and rolled her eyes at Brittany, making a show of inspecting her jacket for drool.

"I see no stains. Lies." To Thomas, she cracked, "I don't know why she's bothering to clean, she knows Britt is just going to make a big mess again once she's through the door."

She smiles at Brittany to show she's playing with her. Santana is often fairly lax about leaving her belongings everywhere herself, though she tries not to with the Pierces.

"Is Hailey too good to do Christmas stuff anymore? Oooh, is she DATING?"

Giggling, Brittany pushed Santana's hand off her jacket playfully, rolling her eyes. "That's true honestly, Mom's fault for not learning her lesson all these years." She shrugged. When she traveled home, it was only a matter of time before her belongings were all over the place. To her, it didn't make sense to put things away when she'd just have to pack them up again a few days or weeks later.

"Hailey is not dating, she'd probably kill you if you asked," Brittany responded for her Dad with a wave of her hand, laughing after her dad began to laugh in the drivers seat. "She's always talking to someone but I don't know, they don't even call it dating these days." Brittany was the typical older sister, unintentionally embarrassing her sister by using words like "dating" when apparently everyone was always "talking."

"She's always out with her friends doing who knows what," Thomas shrugged with a smile. "Doesn't seem like there's much for kids to do in Lima besides hang out in their friends basements, but she hasn't missed curfew once." He added, her eyes flicking up to Brittany's in the rearview, making her blush. "Didn't learn that one from her older sister."

In high school, Brittany was a professional at both breaking curfew and sneaking out after it, always at whatever party was going on, usually convincing Quinn and Santana to come with her, or sneaking out of her house and in to Santana's.

"Seems boring," Brittany giggled from the back seat.

"Talking, whatever, that's probably code for making out with multiple people and not letting any of the rest of them know it," Santana shrugged. It sounded like something she would have done with boys in high school. "Get it, Hailey," she said playfully, smirking at Brittany, before catching herself, glancing at Tom up front. "Oops, sorry. Um, she's probably not. Getting it."

Santana's smile came back when Tom referenced Brittany's multiple curfew breaks, remembering fondly how Brittany would show up at her window with a smile and effortlessly vault herself through to launch herself onto Santana's bed. She wasn't quite as fond of the memories of Brittany taking her to parties, since before they were officially together, that usually meant Santana would get drunk, make out with a boy she had no interest in until he pushed things too far, then get emotional and teary, give him a hand job, or leave him high and dry while she sought out Brittany. This has resulted in a huge number of inaccurate rumors about her sexual prowess that Santana had done little to refute- because what guy was going to say Santana Lopez burst into tears when he tried to get her naked and kept crying while jerking him off?

"Boring," Santana agreed, but her smile was forced. "But maybe she's got the right idea."

Brittany shook her head with a grin. "I have no idea when Hailey became the big secret keeper, but I swear, it's impossible trying to get anything out of her." Her father, conveniently, seemed to go deaf when Santana brought up Hailey possibly getting it, losing his hearing for a few moments while Brittany swallowed her laughter into her hand.

"Anyways, she'll be thrilled to see you," Brittany reminded Santana, knowing Santana could probably never hear too many reassurances about how excited the Pierces were for her to be there for the holidays. The rest of the car ride passed in interludes of comfortable silence punctuated by occasional conversation, Mr. Pierce asking Santana polite questions about safe topics like how school was and absolutely nothing else. Brittany assumed her mother had administered a full debrief before he'd gotten in the car, which she was grateful for.