Shane

I'm not too sure I'm happy about John and Rachel taking off with Glenn and Maggie without letting me know, but I'll let them off the hook this time, since Rick did fill me in that he told Glenn to ask.

But still… I would've liked it if they'd have told me they left, dammit.

Hershel and Rick have been having discussions about how our circumstances are gonna work right now, considering this is Hershel's farm, and we're just visitors.

With some fortifications, this place could be a good place to stay, a safe haven for everyone in the group. So I really hope Hershel would be willing to let us stay.

Though… I find myself curious about one thing.

Hershel said that for the duration of our stay, we weren't allowed to go near the barn. I'd like to know why, but maybe he's just being careful. If he's got some supplies in there, or some equipment, he may just not want us to steal something. But still… I'd like to know for sure.

But until something changes, we'll abide by Hershel's wishes.

But onto another topic… I figure it's been long enough.

As much as I've been wanting to see him, I've stayed away from going and visiting Carl for a bit. I'm not stupid, Lori ain't too happy with me, and I got a good idea as to why.

She's probably blaming me for the whole thing that happened between us. Pissed at herself and me, and she's taking it all out on me. I've seen the dirty looks she's been giving me, and I'm not ignorant enough to believe that Rick won't eventually figure it out. If he doesn't know already.

The thing about Rick is that he's extremely perceptive. I wouldn't be shocked if he already knows. Maybe he's denying it, or he's trying to forgive it since we both thought he's dead.

Or maybe he doesn't know, and I got a socking in the jaw coming.

But I don't care who's in there, I'm not waiting any longer to see Carl. I don't care who's kid he is, I cared for him like my own, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna act like I don't see him as my own.

After making sure Dale was still on watch, I decided to go ahead and make my way to the house, which doesn't take much time. Everyone's busy with something, and no one is really seeking me out. If they do though, Dale can point them to me.

I'm up the steps, through the door, and in the house in no time at all, and I turn the corner and immediately go into Carl's hospital room of sorts.

And of course, just my luck… Lori's in there.

She heard me coming in, I'd wager, if the fact that she's already looking in the doorframe is any indication, and the moment she sees that it's me, she scowls.

"What do you want?" Lori asks, a hidden venom within her voice as the question leaves her lips.

I wrap one hand around the other wrist and lean against the doorframe, and my gaze moves to Carl, who looks like he's sleeping peacefully, and he's doing a lot better from the looks of it than he was yesterday.

"How is he?" I ask, my voice low, small, so as to not wake him up.

Lori continues glaring at me for a moment, before her gaze softens slightly and she looks back down at Carl. "He's fine." She answers, glancing over at me again. "Not that it's any of your business."

I raise an eyebrow at that. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Suddenly Lori's on her feet, giving me one helluva scowl. "You told me Rick was dead." She growls, trying to stay quiet so as to not wake Carl. "You lied to me."

"I thought he was dead!" I say in my defense, looking at her in disbelief. "You really think I wish he was dead? That's my best friend out there!" I gotta keep myself from yelling to loud as my finger points out the door, where Rick and Hershel are outside somewhere speaking to each other.

The implications she gave with those words do not sit well with me whatsoever.

"You sure didn't have no problem telling me he was dead!" Lori retorts, practically gritting her teeth as she brings her face within almost inches of mine. "What makes you think I can believe you?"

"What do you think I would want from that?!" I can't help but to reply in disbelief. Does she actually think-

"You know damn well what you wanted from it." Lori mutters, glaring daggers at me, her brow furrowed in fury. "I'm not stupid."

It takes me a few seconds to process that, and my head looks away for a moment, mentally asking myself if she really just said that, before looking back at her. "So, let me get this straight: you think I wanted Rick to die, to stay dead… so that I could have you?" I honestly can't believe Lori would think that, and a part of me wonders if she really does, or if she feels guilty, is deflecting blame.

Honestly? I'm too infuriated to care which.

"It takes two to tango, Lori." I say, gritting my teeth. "And if you think all that, then why the hell haven't you told Rick already?" I know damn well that Rick would more than likely believe Lori over me, even if we have been best friends since high school. But I also know that Lori isn't the kind of person to try and stir shit up without a good reason. "You know as well as I do, I didn't tell you I didn't believe. When have I lied to you before that?"

One thing I do know… first sign of guilt? Anger when it's called out.

"You're a lying bastard." Lori says, gritting her teeth. "You wanted me and Carl for yourself. I don't you near any of us ever again."

I stare at her for a few moments, processing that she actually said that.

"Not even Rick?"

"Especially Rick."

I'm silent for a moment, thoughts whirling in my head.

Being honest? There might've been a time where I'd have given into her wishes. Don't know how well I would've followed through on them, but still… but now?

"Alright." I nod my head. "I just one thing to do before I honor that?"

"And what's that?" Lori asks with a sneer.

I don't answer her. Instead, I turn on my heel and begin marching my ass right out the door.

"Shane?" Now Lori sounds confused, at a loss, before I hear her footsteps tailing behind me. "Shane, what the hell are you doing?!"

I don't say a word to her as I throw the screen door open, my boots hitting the porch wood harshly and dropping down onto the steps like bricks as I stomp down them.

"Shane, stop!" Lori says, and I feel her grab my arm, but I shrug it off.

I don't know if it's because I'm so pissed, or if it's because I'm not gonna let her paint me out to be the bad guy… or hell, maybe it's both.

When I went to go see Carl, I didn't Rick finding out, hoped he didn't know.

Now?

"Rick!" I shout at the top of my lungs when I see him standing next to Hershel, making their way back to the house, which is one good bit of luck.

Rick's eyes shoot towards me, and his brow furrows in confusion and concern when he sees me approaching him at a brisk pace, causing both him and Hershel to look at me and Lori.

"Shane, wait, stop!" Lori sounds almost desperate right now, but I don't give a shit.

"You want me to stay away from all of you, that's fine!" I already know I'm causing a scene, which isn't something I usually do. Then again, maybe that's a stroke of luck in and of itself, considering I don't usually care. "But Rick's gonna know why I'm staying from you."

"What's going on?" Rick sounds genuinely confused and concerned when he asks the question, and for a second, it makes me stop and hesitate.

Am I really about to do this?

I'm aware of all eyes from around the farm on all of us, staring at us with different looks. Some of confusion, some of apprehension, some a bit of both.

Am I really about to do this? Not just to me, but to Lori and Rick? Do I want to be that guy? A homewrecker?

Or… would I really be one if Rick knows I'm stepping away?

You know what… it's look even worse if I just said 'Nevermind' and walked away… and he's gonna find out sooner or later.

"I just took a visit to see Carl." I tell him, jerking my thumb in the direction of the house. Lori's now looking between both of us, looking terrified, giving me a pleading look, which I ignore in my fury. "And Lori just told me not to be around any of you."

Now Rick looks even more confused, looking at Lori with a questioning glance, his gaze bouncing between both of you.

"Because-"

"Because we had an affair when we thought you were dead." I say bluntly, more bluntly than I would've liked or ever even expected from myself… but I did it.

I can see Hershel's eyes go wide in surprise, but it's not his expression I focus on. Rick's eyes fly as wide as saucers, and he takes a staggered step back for a second, processing what I just told him. Lori looks absolutely horrified, and I can only imagine the looks on the rest of the groups faces.

But my focus is on Rick.

"Wha… what?" He honestly sounds like he can't believe it, and it makes me wonder if he actually did know or if he was in the dark, but it's not important. He looks at both of us in disbelief, his gaze bouncing between us.

And while instincts inside of me are telling me, screaming at me, urging me to calm down, and explain it to him in a more gentle way, it's too overshadowed by the anger I feel at the fact that Lori thinks I wanted Rick dead. "Yeah." I say, nodding my head, denying none of it. "Lori seems to think I wanted you dead, so she told me to stay away from all of you. Just thought you should know why I'm gonna avoid you." I say my peace, and with one quick glance to Hershel, and then another one to the still horrified face of Lori, I stomp away from the scene, still fuming.

She actually thinks I wanted Rick dead?! Are you kidding me right now?! He's my best fucking friend, and I feel enough guilt as it is that me and Lori had that affair, enough guilt that he got shot, that I couldn't get him out of the hospital. Does she think that I wanted him to die?!

What the hell was I gonna do, plan it?! I would kill for Rick, I did kill for Rick, and she has the audacity to say I want him dead?!

I'd give anything to erase the mistake of our affair, but I can't, and the fact that Lori is either deflecting blame or she really thinks that pisses me off, big time, regardless of which it is.

So you know what? She wants me to stay away from him, huh? Him, her, and Carl? That's just fine.

She can explain everything to him.

I find myself consumed by my infuriated thoughts, to the point that I don't even pay attention where I stomp to, who I stomp past, where I'm even going, until I find myself down the driveway.

The sound of multiple sets of hooves clapping against the ground, however, catches my attention, and I glance up to see that Glenn, Maggie, Rachel, and John have returned. I find myself curious as to why John is on his feet, but I don't question it.

The four of them notice me approaching, and the confusion that washes over most of their faces is a clear indicator that they can already see that I'm not in good mood.

"Shane?" John speaks up as the other three bring their horses to a stop, and he's looking at me in genuine concern. "Everything alright?"

At seeing the worry on his face, I can't help it when my expression softens a little. The kid's grown on me, I'll admit. All that power, but he's still just a kid, and I'll admit that I see him as one of my own.

I let out a sigh as my hands come to my hips in frustration. I've learned enough about him to know that John won't appreciate me lying to him in any way.

"No, honestly, it's not." I admit, licking my lips a little and running a hand through my hair, a habit that I've had since I was fourteen, if I remember right, as I bring my gaze to meet his own. "To tell the truth, things might've strained in the group."

"Why?" Glenn asks with concern of his own. "What happened?"

I stare at him for a moment, before letting another sigh, glancing off to the side for a moment before I speak. "Lori just told me to stay away from her, Rick, and Carl. Thinks I wanted Rick dead or something. And I just told Rick about our affair."

Glenn, Maggie, and Rachel's eyes shoot wide in disbelief as I finish speaking and turn to look at them. It takes John a moment to descipher what I said, what I meant, before his own eyes fly wide in disbelief as well.

"You and Lori?" He asks in disbelief.

"Yeah." I admit, because I see no point in lying. Being honest, we weren't too sneaky when we'd go and fool around, and if he doesn't find out from me, he'd find out from someone else anyway.

They continue to stare at me for a moment, before John looks over at the other three. "Glenn, why don't you and Maggie go ahead and drop that stuff off? Rachel, will you tell Shiela I'll be another minute?"

They nod their heads, and while Glenn and Maggie move on, it doesn't escape my notice that Rachel's eyes linger on John for a few moments, as his own eyes do her, before she turns her gaze forward and moves along, leaving me and John alone.

John turns his gaze back to me in concern. "What happened?" He asks, and he doesn't need to tell me that he means specifically.

I let ut a sigh as I explain it to him. "Lori's been giving me the evil eye since Morales and the others brought you and Rick back from Atlanta, and she was with Carl when I finally went to visit him. She accused me of lying, of hoping and wishing Rick was dead, thinking I just wanted her and Carl for myself." I explain to John, though a part of me wonders if I should be telling a teenager this.

Then again, he's seventeen, said he's almost eighteen, and if we're being honest, John's probably more mature than we give him credit for.

"And you… told Rick about the affair in response?" John asks slowly, making sure he's getting it right, to which I nod.

"Rick's my best friend, man." I say with a shake of my head. "Does she really think I'm that low? Ever since Rick first got shot and went into a coma, I've had him at the back of my mind. Hell, you saw my face when he came back, you really think I wanted him dead?"

"No, I don't." John answers with a shake of his head. "And I don't think you just wanted her either, otherwise you'd still be going after her and Carl." He assures me, before licking the inside of his lip and looking off to the side as well. "But honestly? Do you really think Rick finding out like that was a good idea?"

He's got a point. No, I don't think it was a good idea, and now that he points it out, I feel a little guilty about it.

"I was just pissed." I admit with a shake of my head. "Way I was thinking, she wants me away from Rick? Rick deserves to know why she wants that."

"I understand that, Shane." John says, taking a step closer and placing a hand on my shoulder. "More than you could possibly know, and hopefully, more than you ever will. But I speak from experience when I tell you that you need to fix it. With Rick and Lori." He says, and it astounds me how this seventeen year-old kid, probably almost twenty years my junior, can make me feel like the child.

"How do I do that?" I can't help the fact that I'm asking for help from him, but chances are, if it were anyone else? I'd probably be asking anyway.

"Talking's a good first step." John says with a small smile. "But I don't see you and Rick's relationship torn apart by this. Hell, I don't you and Carl torn apart by it." He admits as he removes his hand from my shoulder. "I've lost most of my loved ones. Rach and Shiela are all I have left from back home. I don't want to have to watch what you got get torn apart."

"Would Rick even speak to me right now?" I can't help but to ask. "I know Lori wouldn't."

"Give them time." John advises. "Start with Rick first. If he doesn't come to you, go to him. Unless Lori comes to you before you speak with Rick for some reason, you should at least explain things to him more."

I look up at John for a moment, before managing a small grin. "You know, for a seventeen-year-old kid? You give some good advice."

John gives me an amused grin. "Believe it or not, I was usually the unofficially appointed leader of our missions when I joined the militia." He admits with a grin. "I don't think I'm leader material. I got a temper from hell and I admittedly shoot first, ask later kind of guy. But I can damn well try to give advice to someone who needs it. Whether a kid, someone my age, or a former cop doing his best in a world gone to hell."

"Well… I do appreciate it." I say, before letting out a sigh. "Guess I should go back, maybe just sit down somewhere and wait."

"If this happened only a couple minutes ago?" John pipes up. "Do what you planned too. Go sit with Carl for a bit. Rick and Lori ain't having this talk anywhere near him, and if he wakes up again, he'd probably be pretty happy to see you."

I look at John, and smile, nodding my head in agreement. "That works."

John nods his head, before patting his shoulder as he moves past me. "Well, I'm gonna go see Shiela. I promised her some quality time when I got back, and I've made her wait long enough." He says with a small grin as he moves past me. "I'll come see you later. You can tell me how things went then."

I nod my head as I watch him go. "I'll see you later, John." I say, standing there, watching him leave for a moment, thinking to myself for a bit, before sighing.

May as well do what he said. Go see Carl.

John

Today has been… interesting, let's say that. That was about the last thing I thought I'd be coming to.

First is the walker in the well.

Next up, I burst into tears on Rachel's shoulder before her down to boil the water in the well.

Then, Glenn asks me and Rachel if we want to go on a run with him and Maggie.

Rachel forgets her backpack…

And we catch Glenn and Maggie having sex…

And then…

We uh… we had sex. Me and Rachel. In an alley a few buildings down.

Yeah, that happened.

I'm honestly not sure what to think of it. How to process it. What it means for me and her.

Was it casual? In the moment? Just a couple of teenagers driven by hormones after witnessing a sexual act?

Or was it something else? The start of us acting on a mutual attraction?

Are we friends with benefits now? Something more? Or was that a one-time thing? I don't know.

I do know that Glenn and Maggie don't know that we saw them, and as much as I'd like to tease them about it, considering the fact that me and Rachel were in the middle of scavenging in a building and we acted like we did it the whole time… I'm not so sure it'd be a good idea.

I don't know if either of us are really ready for the group to know… I don't even know if we were actually ready for it ourselves. But… we did it.

Sleeping in the tent tonight is probably gonna be a little awkward.

Okay… extremely awkward.

Honestly, me and Rachel have been a little awkward with each other ever since. Chances are, she's probably thinking similar to me, and it doesn't help that compounded on top of all that, I can't help but feeling like I betrayed Maddie.

When we were together, I was always faithful to her. She was the only woman for me, and it was that simple. It's like I couldn't feel thoughts of attraction towards anyone else after that, which makes me wonder if that just means I got something messed up in my brain, or if I'm just that kind of person.

But then Rachel and Shiela showed up here, and I'm attracted to Rachel, even though I only learned a little more about Maddie's fate a day ago. Hell, Rachel's only been back for a day, so is this really something either of us were ready for?

The time will come when we'll have to face it. When we'll have to talk about it. And I'm honestly dreading it.

But it's time to put all that to a halt.

As I approach the area where the RV is set up, and I can see Shiela sitting on the picnic table under the nearby tree, arms crossed, frowning, an impatient look on her face. The moment she sees me, her face lights up, a smile replacing her frown as she jumps to her feet and rushes over to me.

"Welcome back." She says as she catches me in yet another hug, which I gladly return with a small smile. "Are you ready?"

"Ready?" I can't help but to ask with an amused grin. "We haven't even figured out what we're doing."

"Does it matter?" Shiela asks with a shrug, to which… no, it doesn't, I guess. So long as it's something safe. "I just want to spend some time with you." She admits with an excited grin, causing me to smile.

"Well, that, we did plan." I say, bringing a hand up and ruffling her hair a little, causing her to frown as she struggles to smack my hand away.

"Jooooohn…." She moans as she tries to fix her hair, though I can still see the smile present on her face. "My hair's messy enough as it is."

"Have you seen mine?' I joke, pointing to my own messy with a small grin. "I think you're fine."

Shiela smiles at that, before she begins bouncing on her toes like an excited child as she speaks once more. "So, what do you want to do?"

A part of me wants to ask where Rachel went, but I promised Shiela I'd spend time with her, and I don't want her thinking I plan on anything but that.

"I don't know." I say with a shrug as I begin looking around. My eyes find the barn, and they linger their for a moment as I notice the fact that barn doors are chained up. Well, not just chained up.It's got like five different locks on it, including board holding closed. Makes me wonder what's in there. "Wanna go peak at the barn?"

"Hershel said we can't." Shiela replies, causing me to look at her in confusion. "Shane said he doesn't want us to go near the barn."

Well, that's certainly curious, but I'm not about to question it. These people have been nothing but good, and I'm not about to violate what trust Hershel has in us by looking in the barn.

"Well, shit." I say as I realize that idea's been shot down. "Wanna go for a walk, I guess?' I offer with a shrug, looking down at her. "We can walk around the forest edge or something until we come up with something to do."

Shiela's face scrunches, thinking it over, before she nods her head, smile never leaving her face. "That works."

I let out an amused chuckle at her words. It's honestly been too long since I've seen Shiela at all, especially so happy like this, and I'm more than eager to let that continue.

I turn to look up at the top of the RV, and to my surprise, they have Merle sitting up top keeping watch.

After the fuck-up that was Atlanta and the fact that we had to cuff him to the roof, I'm genuinely surprised that anyone trusted him as a lookout, but maybe he's got a little more sense, especially since he doesn't have any dope to take.

"Hey, Merle!" I call out to him, causing him to turn to look at me. "Me and Shiela are gonna walk around the forest edge! Give a holler if you need something!"

Merle nods his head and turns his gaze back out without a word, going back to scanning the area, which honestly surprises me. I expected some joke or a smartass remark, but he seems to be taking it all in stride.

I'm curious about it, but my main concern is Shiela.

It's a rather quiet trip out to the edge of the farm, but we make it soon enough, and eventually, we begin walking the edge of the woods around the farm.

"So, Rachel and Pete taught you how to defend yourself, huh?" I speak up, trying to start up some sort of conversation. Shiela didn't get to say much during the bonfire last night, and she's been waiting all day for me to spend some time with her. So I figure, may as well start somewhere.

"Yep." Shiela nods her head with a grin. "Peter taught me how to shoot a gun, helped me get better." She explains as she turns to look at me. "My favorites are revolvers, like the .22 I have."

"Do you have it on you?" I can't help the interest I have in seeing what kind of gun Shiela carries, because from what I've been told so far, it seems like she's pretty good with it.

Shiela shakes her head in response, however. "No. When Shane and Rick decided it best that only a few people carry guns, Rachel made me give mine to him." She explains as she looks up at me. "But I can use other weapons, too."

"Like what?" I ask, encouraging her to continue. Honestly, I'm not sure how much I have to really discuss with her, and I'm just fine listening to her talk.

"I can use knives, stuff like that, but I prefer hatchets." Shiela answers with a grin. "It gives me more range, and I can swing it really hard."

I smile at that, a little bit of pride welling as I wrap a hand around her shoulder and pull her into a side-hug as we walk. "That's my little sister, alright." I say as I release her.

Shiela giggles, before she looks up at me with a curious glance. "Do you think you can help me with my aim?" She asks, to which I nod my head.

"Sure." I say with a grin. "Though, you ain't ever gonna be able to fire a gun like I can, I'll tell you that now." I warn her.

"Because of the recoil?"

"Exactly." I nod my head. Shiela's always quick to catch on, she just didn't always say anything. "When I fire a gun, it's like it's trapped in cement. Anyone else fires a gun, they got to take the recoil into account."

"I remember the first time they let me shoot a bigger gun." Shiela says with a small smile on her face. "They let me use a shotgun after I'd practiced with my revolver."

"How'd you manage?" I ask with a small grin, but considering the grin on her own face, I got a pretty good idea.

"I fell on my butt." She admits, causing me to let out a laugh at that. "Peter and Rachel were laughing their butts off, and I just sat there pouting."

Shiela admitting she actually pouted catches me off-guard, and I have to stop for a moment when I begin laughing to my heart's content, the image of Shiela on the ground with a shotgun in her lap, arms crossed, pouting… it's way too funny to think about.

"Oh man…" I say as I shake my head, turning to look at her. "Reminds me of when James tried out that twelve gauge of Papaw's." I say with a small smile. "Papaw had a scope on it, and James was looking through it."

A fit of uncontrollable giggles overtake Shiela as she recalls the incident just as well as I do. "The recoil caused the scope to hit James square in the face."

"And then he got an ass-chewing from hell from Papaw for being an idiot and dropping the gun." I remember with a small grin, turning to look over at her.

"And then Mamaw chewed Papaw out for letting James fire the gun in the first place." Shiela snickered. I remember that part too, and it was hilarious.

As the laughter dies down, I have a smile on my face at the fond memory, but when my gaze wanders over to Shiela, I notice a sad look on her face, and my brow furrows in confusion. "What's wrong?"

"I miss them." Shiela admits, her head falling forward slightly as she hugs herself. "I wish we hadn't gone to that gas station."

There was no mention of a gas station that I can recall during the discussion last night, but I got a pretty good idea of why she wishes that.

"Is that when Papaw got bit?" I ask, because I do remember that particular detail. Papaw got bit on the way to the Cincinnati shelter, but I didn't get any specifics.

"If we'd have just gone somewhere else…" Shiela's voice hitches as she says it, and I can see the tears budding in her eyes.

The best thing I can do is stop and grab her shoulder, turning her to face me as I crouch down to one knee, bringing me closer to her eye level. "There's no way any of you could've known, Shiela." I tell her softly, bringing her gaze up to meet mine. "If I know Papaw, he'd be here telling you that it's not your fault."

"Then why do I feel like it is?" Shiela whimpers, trying to wipe away the tears that refuse to leave her.

"Because you survived." I explain to her, because it's that simple. "And you feel bad because of it. Survivor's guilt."

Shiela goes silent for a moment, simply staring at me as she whimpers, before she throws her arms around my neck and tucks her head into my shoulder as she begins sobbing. "I miss them so much…" She admits quietly between sobs, soaking my shirt once again with her tears.

"I do too." I admit, rubbing her back in gentle circles. Shiela needs me right now, and I'll be damned if I'm not gonna sit here and make her feel better. "I wish to see them all again every day. But we gotta keep going for them. Make sure they didn't die for nothing." I say, because as much as it sucks, this is something she needs to hear.

"Why is the world like this?" Shiela can't help but to mutter softly, her voice hitching as she says it.

"I don't know." I admit, because it's the truth. I haven't got a damn clue as to why the dead now walk the earth. "But I do know this: The world has changed. Some things have to change with it if we want to survive." I say as I pull her away so that I can see her face. "I don't like this. I wish you could still have an actual life, grow up, finish school… but we don't have that anymore. The best we can do is make the most of what we do have." I tell her softly, brushing some of her hair out of her face. "Just remember… me, you, and Rachel? We'll always have each other."

Shiela stares at me for a moment, before giving me a tear filled smile, bringing a hand up to try and wipe her eyes once more.

"Thanks, John." She says quietly, hugging me once more, which I gladly let happen, hugging her back in a gentle grip.

"No problem." I say as we separate once more. "So, what do you think of Carl and Sophia?" I ask as I stand up to my feet with a grin, intent on bringing the conversation back to a more light-hearted topic.

Shiela simply grins.

Rachel

My thoughts are a whirl. I'm think I'm still processing everything that happened on the run, and I don't know whether to feel giddy or guilty.

I don't know what drove me to grab John's hand. It might've been the sounds of Glenn and Maggie getting to me, or it might've been the fact that I have a crush on John, or maybe it's all of the above.

But it led to one of the most cherished memories of my life.

I never, ever, ever thought I'd get that chance with John. But I did.

And it was more than I could've dreamed of.

It was rough, intense, and yet, there was a gentleness that John had always been told for, that Maddie's always told me about during our girl talks, and despite usually being able to last for a while… I didn't last five minutes.

It was amazing.

But what does this mean?

I've only been here with John a day, and I've already made a move on him. I made a move on the guy that was my best friend's boyfriend.

As much as I've always wanted to have something with John, I feel like I've just committed one of the worst sins imaginable, like I've stabbed Maddie in the back, and I don't even know where she is.

It's eating away at me, knawing at me, making me feel like a complete piece of shit.

I find myself sitting in the tent by myself, just thinking about all this.

And… what does this mean for me and John?

Are we… together now? Or is this a one-time thing? I don't see John as the kind of person who does friends with benefits.

I just… I don't know. I want it to mean something good. Like this is the first step to something meaningful. But I don't know if it actually is… you know?

It's been awkward between me and John ever since it happened. I did enjoy it, and I think he did too… but the thing is, I'm not entirely sure how this is affecting him.

Is it the same as it's affecting me? Or am I making a fuss over nothing? I just don't know, and I'd give anything too. To not be in the dark. But I don't want to overstep any more than I might've already.

It's funny… the world is fucked, the apocalypse has struck… and we still have normal, pre-walker problems.

I just hope I haven't messed things up with John. I just found him, I don't think I could take it if I lose him again.

I'm so lost in my thoughts, I miss the sound of approaching footsteps, and I jump slightly when I hear a voice enter my ears.

"Everything alright?" The voice of Jim enters my ears, and I whip around to face him, caught off guard for a second, before I let out a sigh and try to give him a reassuring smile.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I say, and I want to kick myself when I hear the unsure tone in my voice, something he notices.

"You don't sound too sure." Jim says as he moves around the table and takes a seat next to me. "What's going on?"

"Nothing." I try to tell him, shrugging my shoulders a little forcefully.

Jim is silent for a moment, merely raising an eyebrow, before he speaks. "You're bad at lying, you know that?"

I can't help but to blush in embarrassment at being called out so blatantly, and I avert my gaze from his immediately.

He's not wrong.

"I'm aware." I admit with a sigh, my shoulders sagging as I lean against my own knees. "I'm just… thinking."

"About what?" Jim asks, leaning back against the table. "Something important?"

Yes. "No." I shake my head in response. "Important to me, but not really to anyone else."

Jim stares at my for a moment, before removing his hat and running a hand through his hair. "Alright, start talking." He says, causing me to look at him in confusion. "It may not be important to me, but whatever it is, it's clearly got you in a funk."

And just like that, I remember our exchange in the forest yesterday, and I let out a sigh.

"Will you… will you promise not to tell?" I ask him, even though I really can't do anything if he decides to say no.

But he shrugs in response. "Not really my place to tell, and I figure everyone needs someone to talk to about something."

I look at him for a moment, before letting out a sigh. "Well… um… Me and John caught Glenn and Maggie having sex during the run."

Whatever Jim was expecting me to say, it most certainly wasn't that, and his eyes go wide, his jaw falling open as he processes what I said. "… oh."

"And… me and John did too…" I reveal, averting my gaze, blushing as I admit it out loud.

Jim's brow raises in surprise, and he looks at me in disbelief. "You and John… had sex?"

My lips tighten as I flush in embarrassment once more. It's so much worse when someone else says it out loud, but I look at him and nod my head.

Jim looks at me for a moment, before he looks ahead and lets out a sigh, before looking back at me. "You used protection, right?"

At that, I blush even harder.

No, as a matter of fact. We didn't.

"It's a safe day…" I mutter, feeling like a scalded dog as I avert my gaze once more.

"I hope so." Jim says with yet another sigh, rubbing his hand on head. This conversation is already stressing him out, I can say that for certain. "So… was it bad? Did something happen? Or am I missing something?"

"I feel like I may have overstepped." I admit with a soft sigh. "It was consensual, but I feel like I jumped the gun, like I betrayed him or something."

"If it was consensual, how could you have betrayed him?" Jim asked, baffled at my words. "Sounds to me like a couple of kids just having a good time where they can find it."

"Okay, maybe not him, per say…" I say, rubbing the back of my neck in a flustered manner. "But I feel like it's a betrayal to Maddie. You've heard about her?"

"Not much." Jim admits with a shake of his head. "Only reason I knew John was the Juggernaut was because I was at the shelter. Me and him haven't really talked too much."

"Maddie was his girlfriend." I explain with a sad sigh. "And she was my best friend. And I feel like making a move on John in any way, so soon, or at all… it's just… I don't…"

"You feel like you done something bad." Jim finishes, understanding what I'm saying. "You feel like you're stealing your best friend's man, right?" When I nod my head, he continues. "Well, I don't think it's like that. I think it's more like… the two of you are just finding comfort in a familiar source."

"Like a rebound?" I don't want to just be a rebound for John, but I'd be lying if I said that turning him away sounds appealing in any sense.

"Kind of." Jim nods his head, looking at me with a small smile. "But the two of you have known each other for a while. I'd say that you and him make more sense than either of you with anyone else."

"If you say so…" I feel a little bit better thanks to Jim's words, but still… "But, doesn't it seem… bad?"

"Not really." Jim says with a shrug, giving me another gentle smile. "You're both still young, and teenagers will be teenagers. Everyone feels that urge at some point in their life." He puts a comforting hand on my shoulder. "But if it's eating away at you that much, talk to John. I doubt he's gonna throw a fit about it."

The idea of talking to John so soon doesn't sit well with me, but… maybe Jim's right. And we'll have to talk sooner or later. May as well be sooner, right?

"I'll… I'll talk to him." I finally say, giving Jim a small smile for the first time since the conversation started. A real one, not a forced one. "Thanks, Jim."

"Glad I could help." Jim says with a nod and a smile, before standing on his feet. "Alright, I'm gonna check on all the cars, make sure nothing's gonna break. If you need me, just come looking."

"I will." I say with a nod. "Again, thanks."

"No problem." Jim says, before turning and walking away.

It feels like a little bit of weight has lifted off my shoulders, but until me and John finally talk again, I don't think I'll be able to get out of this funk completely.

Guess I'll just have to wait till he and Shiela get back. Hopefully it's not too late.