Chapter 6

Silver

The winter sun is sinking lower on the horizon and is taking with it all of its warmth. The temperature when I started out this morning was warmer than usual for this time of year. It felt like it was inviting me to come out to play, as was the blue of the sky, only occasionally dotted by a fluffy white cloud or two. It was the perfect conditions for getting some amazing photos and soaking in some very much-needed sun.

I'm not usually one who likes to skip out on things I'm supposed to be doing. I take my studies and commitments seriously. But in the end it was too tempting an invitation to resist, from nature herself no less, and I accepted on the spur of the moment.

Now it's getting colder and my natural light is fading quickly so I know my shots aren't going to be at their best. Not that I care all that much about them being perfect, since that's never been the driving force behind my art.

That's my mom's obsession.

I've seen her fill up an entire memory drive with picture after picture of the same flower, or tree, or...whatever else it might be that she's trying to capture at the time.

For her it has to be absolutely perfect. The right amount of light and the perfect angle to capture her colorful scenes at their best. Or in her words, she looks for the splendor of the moment. There's no doubt the results are always stunning. I have a couple of them blown up and put in the center of an arrangement of my own, which are stark in comparison.

My style has always leaned in the opposite direction. Not only do I rarely use color, but my subject matter is completely different from hers as well. Nate once said my style is raw…but I think he was trying to be nice, when what he really meant was that they come out rather rough when put next to our mothers refined perfection.

But I'm okay with that…actually…it's what I prefer. I love capturing the beauty in the broken and battered parts that still exist in our city. Though truthfully, there aren't many places like that left anymore.

It's taken time to build things back up from the crumbling ruin it became after people abandoned the bigger cities just like this one all across the continent due to severe population declines.

Our founders set their sites on reclaiming what is now my home but it took waiting for there to be enough people that could support the endeavor. Once they had enough for that, and for a new government as well, they moved in.

It wasn't an easy or quick process.

Even now, though, there aren't enough people to completely fill up what was formerly considered a moderate-sized city, at least compared to the enormous metropolitan cities like Los Angeles here on the west coast, or New York on the East. That's the reason why there are still sections that haven't been touched and remain abandoned for now until the population can justify their restoration or building something from scratch.

They've tried to restore and preserve the buildings that can be saved, especially ones that had historical significance before the city was abandoned, but many more had to be demolished in order to build others that served the citizens' needs better. The rebuilding efforts started within the heart of the city, or what might have been called 'downtown' once upon a time, and have slowly spread to other parts.

It's a slow creeping progress, but it's still becoming harder and harder for me to find exactly what I'm looking for now. It might be being picky, but I don't want just crumbling and ruined buildings. Though admittedly, I don't rule them out if they catch my attention enough. What I really love capturing is the ones that nature has decided to lay its claim where humans have left abandoned.

There's something both frightening and mesmerizing about seeing towering buildings of steel and concrete being slowly consumed by strangling vines and other various forms of plant life.

It was a lot of searching during free time or when I could convince one of my brothers to take me out scouting, but I finally found a place just a week ago when Eli and I were on one of our trips around the city on the train. It was leaving the Candor sector and heading towards Erudite, and there near the 'borders' that separate the two areas I caught sight of what I was looking for.

After a few weeks of searching that involved a couple of train rides to scope out potential spots, I found the perfect place in an area of Erudite that borders Candor. Sometimes the only way to tell where one sector ends and the other begins are the unoccupied buildings in various states of disrepair. Like the one my brothers and I were able to claim for ourselves, we were only able to do that because neither Dauntless nor Erudite could decide who should get the buildings in the area…so they agreed to just leave them alone.

It's the same thing here but much worse...or much better considering it's exactly what I love most.

Right now I'm caught up in capturing this one particular place where a section of the old road eroded enough that the vegetation was able to literally burst through it. Sections of it are buckled outward, allowing an explosion of color against the backdrop of dingy concrete and gravel. I immediately set up my equipment and eagerly got to work as soon as I spotted it.

The bright and harsh light of the midday sun as well as the shadows that are created when clouds passed over, are the perfect compliment to my usual black and white style. It gave me just the right atmosphere to reflect this particular example of nature taking back its own in a violent act of defiance.

It also perfectly complemented the mood I was in and the thoughts running through my mind. The kind of thoughts that drove me to spontaneously decide to skip out on everything without so much as a word to anyone.

My act of defiance was in reaction to the virtual lockdown my family decided to put me under once it was revealed Eli and I are considered two of the top targets for testing…and not the usual yearly and harmless testing all children our age are subjected to.

In our family, there's always been a certain level of wariness and paranoia when it comes to dealing with Erudite.

All of us kids were homeschooled to varying degrees. And, although the others got to attend school after reaching a certain age, Eli and I still mainly do independent study. Because of the wariness our parents had, they had a habit of taking precautions when they knew we were due to have one of the required tests all school children are made to take in Erudite.

Starting about a week before every test they did lengthy counseling and coaching sessions for all the kids. Sometimes they sat us down as a group to go over everything, but more times than not they took each of us aside and did it one on one. Even Elijah and I were separated on those occasions.

.I never thought this was out of the norm, even though with my interactions with other kids I knew that their parents weren't near as involved in their lives period, much less their education. Mom and Dad always made it clear that most families in Erudite didn't have very healthy family relationships…but that outside of our faction our dynamic was pretty common.

I just accepted their explanation and moved on. Now I know there was a bit more to how they were and are still involved in certain aspects of their kids lives…

Like the fact that we're all apparently divergent.

They've tried very hard to hide this fact from us or at the very least make sure we know how to hide it from others. Apparently my older brothers didn't know they were divergent until just before their aptitude tests. That was when mom and dad took them aside and explained what it was and why it had to be hidden. They had to prepare them so they could be aware enough so that during that final test, the only faction that came up for them was the one they would be choosing.

If they had their way, Eli and I wouldn't have found out about our divergence either until before our own aptitude tests. The only reason they changed their minds was when they got wind that there had been more chatter about divergents.

It was the beginning of what caused me to make the impulsive decision I did this morning. What caused me to do what I never, ever , thought I would do.

I ran from my family!

I've never done that before and never thought I ever could. But their paranoia and fear has turned into them being even more overprotective of Eli and I than normal. Which has just been made even worse when they learned that the secret plot within Erudite was also directly aimed at our family.

Before then everyone had been warned to stay vigilant and be careful, but since the plans being made were a long way from being fulfilled there hadn't been a need for any real worry about our safety. That all changed the second Eric informed my brothers about the suspicions the plotters have regarding the family's divergence. Also the fact that the plans to prove it during tests that are supposed to be given to Eli me at some point didn't make things a bit better.

At first, I went along with the restrictions demanded from my family. Admittedly, I didn't just go along without a protest or to…but I agreed and even shared their worry. After the first month, though, all those restrictions began to chafe at me and made my own anxiety and fear make me feel like I was about to snap.

I guess I finally, well and truly, snapped.

I hardly ever strayed very far from home and when I did I normally always had Eli with me at the very least. If I ever didn't have someone with me on my outings, then I always did so in a responsible and careful manner. I let my family know I was going out and what general area I would be in, as well as promising to be back within a certain time.

I did this all of my own free will and no one ever had to demand anything of that nature from me.

Suddenly that wasn't enough anymore, and they started treating me like I've been careless and irresponsible in the past. Nate demanded I not go out at all on my hikes and hunts anymore. None of the older brothers were willing to accept my compromise of making sure Eli was with me since they were just as worried about him as well.

Dad's attitude was the most hurtful because in addition to agreeing with them, he's also started to contemplate restricting me from being able to attend the newly instituted physical education classes as well as the other sports clubs that should be set up and available for the entire school soon.

Mom, as she always is, became the mediator but….I've seen the worry she has for me and Eli wearing her down. I know soon that's going to override any sense of fairness she might be trying to exhibit right now.

I'm not the one doing anything wrong but I'm the one being punished regardless.

The temperature is falling, enough that the heat of my breath is making puffs of white when it hits the air and I feel it start to seep into my bones. The jacket I wore out this morning wasn't meant for the colder weather. But I ignore this and keep working.

I shift positions so that I'm laying on my stomach then furiously start to click away, getting more close-up shots of the jagged and shattered bits of concrete. All the while my mind is replaying over the last few months that have been building to my completely rebelling in the manner I have today.

It all came to head after the weekly family dinner. The conversation at the table was all about the confirmation we now have that someone in the higher levels is aware of the fact that divergence runs in our family. I hadn't even known what being divergent really meant or that it was some kind of dangerous condition that existed, not until all this crap started a few months after Gabe and Eric transferred to Dauntless.

Mom and Dad had been hiding their divergence successfully for years. It got harder for them to do when we started to come along, because of how much testing children go through on a yearly basis here in Erudite. There were ways around it, and they took those loopholes when and where they could. It seemed to work, and even if people suspected, they hadn't been able to confirm it.

At least that was the case until Eli and I enrolled in that damn program all those years ago. To this day I still carry around guilt about my part in that but it did fade a bit with time and assurances from my family that it wasn't my fault. This new revelation had me feeling just as bad, if not worse than I did back then. The only difference between then and now is the fact that I don't feel as powerless as I did when I was still just a child.

I'm older now and I hope that I'm a bit wiser. When the feeling of fear and panic started to abate, I was able to think a bit more clearly.

Realistically speaking I knew that our family has always been a target of the ruling elite. Sometimes it's in order to try to gain our favor or alliance, but mostly it's because they fear the power my parents could have if they ever truly tried to gain it.

The fact that my older brothers have not only transferred to Dauntless but have become powerful figures in their own rights in that faction, seems to have amped up the fear of what kind of pull our family has. So honestly, it was just a matter of time before they tried to find some excuse to bring us down and they aren't ever going to stop until we make them.

I realized there was a way to use this information and aid in the effort to bring those threatening my family down by setting our own trap and using me and Eli as bait.

I can admit now, that was probably the wrong choice of words to use when I was proposing my idea to the family over dinner. The reaction was instant, emphatic, and unanimous. Everyone shot down my idea, even my mom who I could usually count on to at least hear me out. They wouldn't even do that much and started to treat me as if I was a child too stupid to understand what I was really suggesting. That's what had me reacting the way I did.

That's why I ran. That's why I'm here in the growing cold and fading light, stuck, taking picture after picture of the same thing. Wanting to go home but unable to bring myself to.

As the sun starts to sink lower on the horizon, a new light starts to filter in through the lens of my camera. The object of my focus starts to change before my eyes. Or maybe it's just me looking at it differently.

That happens sometimes and might be a big part of why I love taking photos as much as I do. A change of light, a different angle...and something that looked one way suddenly became something different. Not completely different, mind you, because of course it can't change the object itself…but it can definitely alter how a person perceives it.

Much like I'm now seeing things with my family. It's taken time to cool off and reflect but I'm seeing that argument differently.

Nate had been trying to tell me something but I wouldn't listen to him at the time. I remembered later that he said that there were things that I didn't know about the entire situation, information that he couldn't give at that moment. He didn't say why, but I truthfully didn't really give him a chance to even try and explain it before I stormed off to my room. I realize I've mostly been too stubborn to back down in my anger.

I was so hurt by their lack of trust in me but now…now that is being overshadowed by the hurt I'm feeling from trying to shut them out. I promised my mom I would never do this again after what happened before.

I sigh as I lower the camera and roll onto my back so that I'm now looking up at the sky.

The night had that big argument was last week and I've been refusing to talk to anyone in the family unless I absolutely needed to. At first, it was easier to maintain this silence since I was still so very hurt and angry. Lately though I've had to work very, very hard and I'm not even sure why I should be trying to do that any more.

Why can't I just admit that I've been wrong in how I've handled things?

I'm not used to being denied or dismissed by my family. I know that makes me sound like a spoiled brat…and I guess…in some ways I am. Though not in the usual ways a person might be thought of as being spoiled.

I've never demanded anything from them. I'm sure that over the years I might have asked for small things, like clothes or art supplies, even a kitchen gadget or two. However, our parents taught all of us from a young age that the things we have are privileges, rewards for the hard work we put into earning them. And we did have to earn them by putting in real work, cleaning up at the house, or the green houses and the projects we assisted with. I've always taken that to heart. So, if there's something I really want, I work for it and try to get it myself.

An example of that is the camera I'm currently using.

Before I shared one with my mom but when I began to use it more often it got harder to share. So, I made an arrangement with my parents that I would work to get the credits on my own. Not just from my allowance or by doing chores around the house…but actually working. They agreed and even offered that if I got at least half the cost, they would cover the rest.

They supported me even though they had their misgivings and concerns about me taking on so much work on top of what was already expected of me. Mom and Dad heard me out, listened to my plan and helped me make it work so I could complete my goal.

It took almost a year of various chores, helping with harvests when they came up, cleaning in the labs and helping in projects that were needing an extra set of hands. Whatever I could do to earn enough credits to be able to make such a large purchase of my own…but I did it.

I earned every single credit myself and hadn't needed my parents' help money wise.

But that only happened because we talked to each other calmly, with both sides willing to listen to the other person. Throwing a fit and giving everyone the cold shoulder is not the way to get them to agree with what I know we should be doing. In fact, my actions are that of the child I accused them of treating me like.

With a sigh, I sit up and wince when I realize how dark it's gotten during my reflections. Leaving the way I did is already going to be bad enough, but the fact that it's going to be so late by the time I get back will make it even worse.

There's nothing for it though, I need to accept the consequences for my actions and hope that by doing so I gain back the trust I know I've lost.

***** L&L *****

I peek through the opaque glass of the oven door to check on the items inside before turning back to the stove and stirring the pot where I have a sauce simmering. I hum and sing along with the music playing while cooking tonight's dinner.

This isn't the day we usually have our weekly family dinner but my brothers weren't able to attend the last one since they couldn't get away from work. It's been a month since the last time we all had dinner together.

That night hadn't ended very well at all but at least we're talking again.

It's all been done by emails or text messages because everyone has been so busy lately. They weren't fully to blame for the week we spent not talking at all. I was acting like a spoiled brat, instead of communicating why I was so hurt by their treatment of me. At least it didn't get worse than it was.

The night I realized how bad my behavior was also the same day that I made a few more bad decisions by skipping school and going out into the city alone without telling anyone anything.

I fully expected to come home and find my brothers organizing search parties and my dad ready to ground me until I turned eighteen. Instead, what I found was just my mom, dad, and Eli waiting for me. They were concerned, of course, and dad admitted he had been on the verge of getting my brothers involved but something Eli said to them stopped that from happening.

It turned out Eli was just as upset about how our older brothers were reacting to things, especially how much worse they have been coming down on me than they do him. He pointed out how they were doing exactly what they promised me they would never do to me, and that was treating me differently just because I'm the girl in the bunch.

Not only that, but Eli also pointed out how they've been refusing to either listen to our suggestions or tell us anything that could help us understand why they've shot down our ideas. It got my parents thinking and they agreed to talk to us alone about things before calling a family dinner where we could try again to talk things over.

I'm nervous about tonight. Not only about seeing them all again for the first time since our big fight, but also about how the discussion is going to go. In an effort not to overthink or worry myself to death, I decided to put that energy into cooking a nice meal for us.

I'm the only one in the house right now but I expect Eli to walk in shortly. He's pretty determined to make it in and at least help with getting the rest of dinner prepared. He wants us to present a united front against our brothers when we start to talk about our side of things.

The night I came home, Eli was the first to let his own frustrations and anger out to our parents. I think that the combination of the two of us that day, me skipping out and Eli raising his voice to them for the first time ever, really made them sit back and realize how they were handling things had been just as bad as we were.

I hear the front door opening and the beeping of the security system as Eli puts in his personal code into the keypad. It's one of the security methods put in place at the beginning. All the family has a notification sent out when someone is coming home or going out. It started out as a method of checking in with the family, Eli and I letting them know we were okay or when we were heading out. But that had changed recently and became a tool for our brothers to monitor us.

That was one of the first things Eli brought up and said needed to stop. Our parents agreed it had been taken too far, but asked that we keep doing it for now but it would be one of the main topics discussed with the others.

Eli calls out that he's going to jump in the shower as he's headed to his room. I turn up the music a little and hum or sing along as I continue to prepare dinner. When he joins me his hair is still a bit wet and he smiles at me then turns the music up when it switches over to one of our favorites.

Gabe is the first to show up, well before even our parents are expected. The music is up loud enough that we don't hear him come in or the keypad beeping as he enters his own code. Eli and I are singing to each other and bopping around the kitchen.

We stop dead in our tracks when we realize he's there, unsure what to do for a few long seconds. Gabe solves this for us by removing his jacket while smiling at us. Then uses his chin to indicate the sauce bubbling on the stove.

"Might want to reduce the fire under that sauce, Syl. Now, what's for dessert? Cause I've been craving a trifle with chocolate."

My brother and I watch him a little stunned as he heads straight for where we keep any baked goods we have on hand. When he starts to pull out things to make the dessert he has in mind I shoot a look my twin's way. He just shrugs and goes back to chopping up veggies so I go back to stirring my sauce and basting the chickens that are roasting in the oven.

The song changes and now Gabe is singing along with us.

That's how Luke finds us, and much like Gabe did, he joins in preparing a dish of his own with us. By the time Sam arrives, dinner is well on its way to being done and my brothers and I are dancing around the kitchen with the music blaring even louder.

Luke is spinning me around when Nate shows up. His appearance so sudden in the doorway we were passing startled us enough that Luke let go of my hand abruptly.

I'm spinning and stumbling until Nate steps up and catches me before my fall. It seems like everything goes quiet but the music is still blaring just as loudly.

Out of all our brothers, Nate was the one that took my shutting him out badly. While he has replied to my messages he hadn't initiated any conversation with me and when he did reply it was very short and to the point.

I look up to see his squared jaw and hard eyes and I know he's still angry and hurt. I knew he wasn't likely to be so easy to forgive and move on like the others seem to be but I had hoped.

My eyes burn with tears that quickly start to build up to overflowing. He looks down at me and I see something in them as he looks back at me that causes them to explode out of me.

"I'm sorry," I sob out, then bury my head in his chest, unable to look into the anguished and haunted eyes looking back at me anymore.

His arms go around me, pulling me even tighter against my chest.

"I know and I am too. I just…the thought of anything happening to either of you…" He murmurs close to my ear, his voice thick with emotion and pain.

I couldn't help it, hearing him like that and knowing that my angry silence had just made it worse for him, I started crying even harder. It wasn't hard for the others to hear it when I started to really let go, or the fact that our older brother had joined me. Someone had turned the music down enough that we could be clearly heard. They also heard Nate's words and it drew them one by one to join us.

First was Eli, who had already been near enough that Nate only had to reach out and pull him into our hug too. Then Gabe, who came up behind be, trying to soothe us but sounding close to tears himself. Luke was the third to join but was immediately followed by Sam who reached around all of us and attempted to do his best bear hug in his own need.

Our brawny brother was also the first to do something besides sniffle or barely hold back tears.

"Things shouldn't have gotten to where they did." His voice almost booms, though I know he's trying to be gentle and not scolding at all. "And we won't let it happen again either." Sam's arms tighten a little around us, before he releases the mass hug and we start to break up then pull back to look at him. His brow is furrowed as he looks at the other three guys with a pointed look, then receives nods back of agreement. "You're going to talk and we promise to listen…but we need you to promise the same, okay?"

Eli and I are nodding in agreement while wiping away tears. Gabe slips off but quickly comes back with tissues for both of us.

"We promise," Eli replies verbally for the both of us. It doesn't take my twin as long to get composed and cleaned up, mostly because he didn't have an older brother fussing over him and just making more of a mess while Gabe tried to help me clean up. As I am swatting his hands away from, Eli continues on. "But we have to know more than what you've told us before. No more secrets."

"There will be no more secrets." Another voice rings out from the hallway, one belonging to our mom. She steps forward and looks to have been shedding a few tears of her own. Dad is beside her, looking like he's barely composed himself as well. She looks up at him expectantly.

He clears his throat, then nods. "Your mom is right. We've wanted to save you from ever having to be weighed down by the fear of divergence. But divergence isn't the issue now, it's just the excuse that will be made for something much bigger happening."

"Which we are going to get to," Mom says as she walks further, heading straight towards where we had just been finishing up with dinner. "But not until after we eat. You've all done such a good job." She beams at each of us while looking over everything. "Now, Nate…be a dear and get the table set so we can enjoy all this food your sister and brothers have made us."

I fight a smile looking at my older brother, a Dauntless leader who is in line to become second in command once the current one retires, hurrying to do as his mother told him to do.

Eli and I make our way into the kitchen and join mom as she organizes everything to be served. Luke, Sam and Gabe are put back to work running food to the dining room and Dad joins Nate getting table set, drinks poured and things like music is turned back up a little and changed from the rock music we had it on to something more appropriate for dinner as a family.

For a very little while, only an hour or two, we're able to forget about everything going on outside of the walls of our home.