JENNIE

Lisa held me in her arms in her chilly car, our breath making small clouds of steam but neither of us willing to leave the safety and solitude of that vehicle, and eventually the first morning rays did poke through the sky. There was a fog in the air that hovered just above the pavement, making the entire world seem ethereal and dreamlike. I wanted this moment to be a dream, one I would never have to wake up from, but those golden morning rays brought more than just light to my world, they brought reality as well.

"You should go inside," she whispered, hugging me tight.

I pulled back and looked at her. "What about you? Aren't you coming?" I tried to keep the panic from my voice when I said that.

She looked at me calmly. "There's something I need to do first."

"What?"

She smiled, but didn't answer my question. "Go on…it will be okay." She kissed me softly on the lips, and then leaned way over me to unlatch the door. As I got out, she whispered, "I love you," then she slid over to my side and tilted her head up, wanting me to kiss her again.

I nodded and bent down to softly press my lips to hers, unable to speak through the lump in my throat. Then she slid back over, started the car and pulled away, while I brushed a couple of tears off of my cheeks.

Taehyung was sound asleep when I came into our room. Guilt flooded through me as I grabbed a change of clothes and quietly went to the bathroom to freshen up. I glanced at Lisa's door as I finished, and had an odd desire to lie on her bed. I didn't. That would be a little unexplainable, if Taehyung woke up and found me there. I made my way downstairs to make some coffee, and sat at the table processing everything that had happened in the past several hours. What a difference one day can make. I sipped my coffee and stared at the empty chair that Lisa usually sat at. Where was she? Why wouldn't she want to spend today with me?

Taehyung kissed me tenderly goodbye when she came down awhile later, all ready for his normal day of work. Guilt washed through me again as his lips brushed mine. I had an odd feeling of betrayal flash through me, and not betrayal for being with Lisa, no betrayal for being with Taehyung. I'd felt guilty before, but nothing quite as strong as pure betrayal. It took me by surprise, but I firmly pushed it back. I couldn't think about that yet. For right now, Taehyung was my boyfriend, but, I suppose…Lisa was too.

What do I do? This decision suddenly overwhelmed my now simple seeming question of where to spend winter break. Can't I just go back to worrying about that instead?

I lied down on the couch to ponder it…and didn't wake up until it was time to catch the bus for work. Oops, so much for school today. I needed to be more careful, or I was going to lose my precious scholarship. Luckily, I was still very good at schoolwork, even if I was slacking off on attendance.

Somi pulled me aside as I came into Pete's awhile later. "So, you and Lisa…?"

I smiled and wiped away a sudden tear. She hadn't come home in time to give me a ride to work, and I already missed her. "She's in love with me, Somi…deeply in love." To the bottom of her soul deep. To the, 'I've never felt this for anyone' deep. It was overwhelming to think about.

She hugged me. "I'm glad she told you…you should know the truth. You should make an informed decision."

I pulled back and stared at her, terrified. "What do I do? I love Taehyung. I can't bear hurting him. I can't bear hurting Lisa either. I don't know what to do?"

She sighed and patted my arm. "I can't tell you that, Jennie. You have to figure it out on your own." She looked over at some customers just sitting down in her section and made a step towards them before stopping and looking back at me. "You do have to choose though." She smiled reassuringly and patted my back as she walked away.

Lisa didn't come in that night. She didn't come home that night. That was when worry settled in on me. When that cycle repeated the next night , that was when panic settled in on me. When the cycle repeated yet again the next night , that was when despair settled in on me.

Four achingly long days went by without a trace of her…

Every morning, I came downstairs, expecting to find Lisa sitting at the table, looking flawless and drinking her coffee, greeting me with a sexy half-smile and a 'Mornin'. But every morning, she wasn't there, and tears filled my eyes at her absence. Before school, I would grab her band's t-shirt (that I still never wore) and held it tight to me, breathing in her scent, wondering where she was and what she was doing. Every night that I worked, I waited impatiently for the band to stroll in, and every night, Lucas and Jackson would walk in, disagreeing about something, but never with Lisa. At night, I would get up after Taehyung fell asleep and lie on her empty bed, clutching her pillow.

Panic flared in me. Did she leave? Was that her solution? To just skip town and run away without me? I couldn't even ask the band where she was. I couldn't form the words around them, and they never talked about her…not once. I felt empty without her.

Every day, I sank more and more into a melancholy depression. I was cooler to Taehyung. He tried to cheer me up, but it didn't work. He tried to get me to talk to him, but that didn't work either. He tried to kiss me, and I'd turn away after a brief obligatory peck. Eventually my mood seeped into him, and he stopped trying to please me. There was no point at trying to anyway. Nothing was going to please me. Taehyung never directly asked the reason for my mood though…not once. It was almost like he was afraid to ask, which was good, because I was afraid of him asking.

It was a dreary Friday morning when I glumly kissed Taehyung goodbye for work. My kiss was automatic and had no feeling behind it. He looked at me sadly and swallowed. I tensed, waiting for the questioning words that would slice me open.

"Jennie…I…I love you." He ran a finger down my cheek tenderly, and I could see his eyes glisten. I knew he felt our distance, I felt it too.

"I love you too, Taehyung," I whispered, begging my eyes to not well up. He leaned in and kissed me tenderly, running his fingers back through my hair.

I brought my hands along his jaw, trying to ignore my disappointment that his had a light hairline, and wasn't smooth like Lisa's. I ran my hands through his hair, trying to not care that his was shorter, and I couldn't curl it around my fingers like Lisa's. I intensified our kiss, willing my breath to quicken, willing for his lips, so different from Lisa's, to thrill me, willing our old passion to spark. It didn't.

He pulled away after a moment, his breath as slow and relaxed as mine. "I have to go…I'm sorry." His sad eyes watched me for a second, and then he turned and left. I couldn't hold back the few tears that spilt down my cheeks. Was it too late for us?

Lisa had been gone for so long, my need for her was so great, my grief so strong, that it felt like a hole had been punched straight through my stomach. I knew it was wrong. I knew it was choking the life out of Taehyung's and my relationship. I just didn't know how to stop it. She had just left…disappeared. I'd had no time to prepare, no final goodbye…no closure. It was killing me.

I sullenly made my way upstairs to the bathroom, to get ready for school. My world may be ending, but life drudgingly continued. I dressed. I brushed my hair. I put on makeup. I did all the things expected of me to look normal for a normal day of school…and I hated every second of it. I wanted to curl up on my bed and sob for hours. Sob over missing Lisa. Sob over what Taehyung and I had become. I exhaled loudly and swallowed back the threatening tears.

Yes, she was gone…deal with it, I berated myself. She was right to leave. Eventually things will get easier. Maybe Taehyung will never ask…if Lisa never comes back.

I opened the door slowly with that painful thought in my head, and then stopped breathing. Lisa was just climbing up the top step, her eyes on the floor. She looked up when she heard the door and slowly smiled a heart stopping half-grin. She was spectacular. Nearly a week without seeing her had softened my memory of just how attractive she was. Her hair, wavy and wild, was just begging for my fingers to run through it. The enticing way her long-sleeved t-shirt clung to her body, was just asking for my fingers to trace every amazing line. Her smooth, strong jaw, was an open invitation for my lips, and her full lips, curled in a smile, were still keeping my breath at bay. But most amazing of all – her impossibly deep brown eyes, glowing with love and adoration…for me.

"Mornin'," she said softly, in her typical greeting.

I ran over to her as she started walking towards me, and threw my arms around her. I buried my head in the crook of her neck and let the tears I had been holding back flow. "I thought you left." I managed between sobs, while she pulled me tight against her. "I thought I'd never see you again."

She rubbed my back while I cried. "I'm sorry, Jennie. I didn't mean to hurt you. I needed…to take care of something," she whispered comfortingly.

Pulling back, I smacked her in the chest. "Don't ever do that again!" She smiled and put a hand on my cheek. "Don't leave me like that…" I let the thought trail off as I gazed at her suddenly pained eyes.

"I wouldn't, Jennie. I wouldn't just…disappear," she said softly, stroking my cheek.

Without thinking of the consequences, I blurted out what I had been holding back for so long. "I love you." Her eyes watered instantly. She closed them, and twin tears ran down her cheeks. I brushed them away with my fingertips. She probably had never heard anyone say that…and truly mean it. And I did. With every part of my soul, I meant it. "I love you…so much."

She opened her eyes, more tears falling. "Thank you. You don't know how much I've wanted… How long I've waited…"

She couldn't finish her thought, as I leaned in and kissed her warmly, tenderly. She immediately returned my soft kiss, bringing her other hand up to cup my other cheek. Still tenderly kissing, I pulled her gently by her neck into her bedroom. Our lips barely pausing, we undressed each other silently. As I stood naked before her, she pulled back to look at me, her eyes overflowing with warmth and love.

"You are so beautiful," she whispered, running her hand through my hair.

She brought her lips back to my smiling ones, and gently eased me down to her bed. We explored each other's bodies in unhurried and unpressured ways, like we'd never been together before. There were no walls between us, no barriers to hold us back. We both finally knew how the other felt. We both knew that this time, this was about love.

We took our time, our fingers and lips tracing and teasing, and discovering new ways to touch the other. I listened to the sounds she made when I kissed her in the soft spot below her ear, when my fingers moved over the scar along her ribs. The delightful groan she made when my tongue trailed along the deep V of her abdomen. She studied the noises I made as she kissed my collar bone, as she gently tugged at a nipple with her teeth. My cries as she ran her tongue over my sensitive flesh, tasting what she was about to be taking.

When we could both endure no more, she moved over me and slowly adjusted my thigh up her hip. Her gaze lingered along my skin, following the lines and curves, followed shortly after by her hand. When her eyes met mine again, they were filled with such love and passion, that I had to painfully bite my lip. Not out of desire, although I surely felt that too, but to assure myself that this moment was no vivid dream. That this perfection before me was real…and mine.

Never taking her glorious eyes from mine, she, almost painfully slow, slid into me. We both closed our eyes, overwhelmed by the magnitude of emotion and sensation at finally being together again. I reopened my eyes first and lightly grabbed her cheek.

"I love you," I whispered.

She opened her eyes to gaze at me again. "I love you, so much," she whispered back.

And then we did something that we had never done before, something that maybe Lisa had never done before – we made love. It wasn't a drunken rollick. It wasn't burning passion and hot, fiery need. It was so much more. She clenched my hand the entire time, as we experienced something wondrous and intense together. She whispered how much she loved me, when she could speak through the emotion of it. I whispered it to her, whenever I could. There was no doubt, there was no fear, and there was no guilt. Our hips rocked together and apart in perfect unison, speeding and slowing at the same precise moment, like we were one person, and not two. And even though I could tell she was ready before me, she held off her climax, until we could come together. When we did, it was glorious and intense and perfect. She cried out my name and I found myself responding with hers.

Afterwards, she pulled me to her chest, her whole body lightly shaking. I listened to her heartbeat gently slow in rhythm with mine, as a few tears rolled down my cheek. Not tears of guilt this time, but tears of joy, for the immense love I felt for her, mixed with tears of sorrow that our time together wouldn't last, that we had only a few more precious moments together. She knew it too. Looking up at her face, I saw the exact same look of joy and sorrow reflected in her glistening eyes.

"I love you," she said softly.

"I love you too," I said right back, kissing her softly.

She closed her eyes and a tear escaped, trickling down her cheek. I wiped it away. "What are you thinking about?" I asked timidly.

"Nothing," she replied, keeping her eyes closed.

I lifted my head higher to look at her more closely. She opened her eyes and gazed back at me. "I'm trying to not think about anything," she said softly. "It hurts too much when I think…"

I bit my lip and nodded, very sorry that I had even asked. "I love you," I said again.

She nodded sadly. "Just not enough…not enough to leave him?"

I closed my eyes and choked back a sob. I had hoped she wouldn't ask me that… wouldn't ever ask me that. She ran her hand down my hair. "It's okay, Jennie. I shouldn't have said that."

"Lisa, I'm so sorry…" I started to say, but she put a finger on my lips.

"Not today." She smiled warmly and pulled me in for a kiss. "Not today…okay?"

I nodded, then kissed her back. I pulled away after a moment. "Do you think…? If we had never, that first time…would the three of us just be close friends?"

She smiled as she interpreted what I was trying to say. "If you and I had never gotten drunk and had sex, would we all be living happily ever after right now?" I nodded and she thought for a second, tucking a lock of hair behind my ear. "No…you and I were always more than just friends. " She stroked my cheek lovingly with her thumb. "One way or another, we would have ended up right here anyway."

I nodded and looked down at her chest beneath me. She stroked my arm for awhile, watching me, and then softly asked, "Do you regret it?"

I looked back up at her pained eyes. "I regret being horrible to Taehyung." She nodded and looked away from me. I gently placed a hand on her cheek and forced her to look at me again. "I don't regret a single second that I spent with you." I smiled wryly at her. "No time spent with you is wasted." She smiled at her line repeated back to her and pulled me in for a kiss that quickly became deeper and deeper.

I didn't go to school that day. I didn't leave her bed that day. I couldn't…there was nowhere else I needed to be.

Lisa said goodbye to me an hour before Taehyung was to be home from work. My eyes instantly watered, and she cupped both of my cheeks in her hands and kissed my eyelids.

"I'll be at Pete's tonight. I'll see you there, okay?"

I nodded wordlessly and she gave me a final tender kiss before walking out the door. My heart ached as I watched her leave. Our afternoon together had been…beyond words. My heart was more torn than ever. Somi's words came back to me - 'You do have to choose…you can't keep them both'. I just didn't know how to let either one go.

Taehyung came home a bit earlier than usual, looking very tired. He came over to where I was sitting on the couch, staring blankly at a show on TV. He sat down beside me and I looked over to his sad, beautiful face. I instantly felt a wave of guilt. It overcame me, and I broke down in sobs.

He put his arms around me. "Come here." He lay down on the couch with me sideways, facing each other, his arms around me, clutching me tight. My head on his chest, my hands clutching his shirt, I sobbed until I could barely breathe. "It's okay, Jennie. Whatever it is, it's okay." His voice was shaky, his accent thick with emotion, and I knew he was close to tears. He choked as he whispered, "Baby…you're my heart." My sobs gained in strength. I knew I was hurting him, but I couldn't stop, the tears were relentless.

Eventually they subsided, and I felt the pull of slumber as he held me close and rubbed my back. He pulled away and stared at my half-open, tired eyes. "Jennie…?" Panic and fear flew my eyes wide open. Was this it? Was he finally going to ask me about Lisa? I couldn't speak to answer him.

"Do you…?" He closed his mouth for a second and looked away. Looking pained, he started again. "Do you…want a ride to work? You're going to be late." He looked back at me and I relaxed visibly.

I still couldn't speak, I only nodded.

"Okay." He stood up and held out his hand. "Let's go then."

We were silent on the ride over. Taehyung didn't ask me about my break down, and I didn't volunteer any information. There was nothing I could share with him anyway. There were so many secrets between us now, it was hard remembering a time when things had been simple and easy, when it had felt like pure puppy love. I suppose all love eventually comes back down to earth.

Taehyung decided to stay for awhile at the bar. He kept looking over at me, like he was expecting me to lose it again. My reaction earlier had brought out the caretaker in him, and I quickly realized that he was going to watch over me all night…while Lisa was here. I sighed as I went about my duties. I should have swallowed back my grief. I shouldn't have let Taehyung see that. He didn't need to, and I couldn't explain why I had completely broken down. It was cruel to him, to keep him in the dark. And I had been cruel enough to him while Lisa was away - constantly pushing him back from me, constantly withdrawing into my hard shell of loneliness.

Lisa came in a bit before her band and Taehyung met her at the door. Lisa smoothly gave him a guy hug, and they seemed to casually chat on their way to the guy's usual table. But I caught a glimpse from Lisa directed at me, when Taehyung turned his head to check out a loud sound on the other side of the bar. The look of wistful passion in Lisa's eyes in that one brief glance almost had me running across the room to throw myself in her arms. I didn't though. I had at least enough will power to not do that.

Once there, they sat next to each other, bent over in what looked to be a serious conversation. My heart sped a little, at what they might be talking about, until Lisa nodded and Taehyung clapped a hand on her shoulder. Then I understood. Taehyung was talking to her about my sister. My heart warmed as I thought of that. Lisa hadn't touched my sister. She had been faithful to me. Well, okay, she hadn't exactly been faithful, she had done about half of Seattle while she was "getting over me", but Jisoo was the one she had promised me about…and she had kept that promise…and it warmed my heart.

It was a little surprising to watch the two of them converse throughout the night. Not just that Lisa could be so carefree with the man whose girlfriend she had just bedded…repeatedly. No, it was that their friendship didn't seem to suffer one tiny bit after the fight Lisa and I'd had – the slap incident. I was sure Taehyung had chided her about it, and I was equally sure that Lisa had taken it stoically and completely backed up my story. But neither one seemed to let the incident interfere with their easy friendship. I swallowed, knowing that my choice, the one Somi was correct in telling me I had to make, most definitely would affect their friendship. I would be the one to break them apart. That thought killed me a little.

The rest of the band finally did show up and Lisa, quite skillfully, kept Jackson away from Taehyung for the remainder of the evening. The two friends drank their beers, played some pool, and chatted with Lucas. Evan seemed a little uncomfortable about the whole thing, and mainly spent the night flirting with a group of nearby fans. Lisa and Taehyung kept up their night of bonding, until eventually, the guys went on stage to play.

For the remainder of my shift, I endured wistful glances from Lisa and concerned glances from Taehyung, who apparently still thought I was going to break down again. Did I still look sad? Taehyung stayed until the final moment of my shift, and dutifully gave me a ride home. Lisa was still there, chatting (a little animatedly) with Somi, when Taehyung and I left. I hoped Somi was being nice to her.

I thought about Lisa's wistful, passionate glances all the way up the stairs. I thought about her warm hands as I got undressed. I thought about her hard body as I put my pajamas on. I thought about her intoxicating smell as I brushed my teeth. I thought about her insanely wonderful hair, and how amazing it felt wrapped in my fingers, as I slipped under the covers with Taehyung. But what kept me awake, and in a state of anxious longing, was her lips, repeating over and over that she loved me.

I stayed in my room much longer than most women in my position would have, well, that's what I convinced myself of anyway, but eventually, the draw of my addiction was too strong and I slipped out of my bed. Taehyung didn't move. He was completely sound asleep as I quietly shut our door. I opened Lisa's, and she sat up on her elbows at the sound. Moonlight filtered through her window and I could see her perfect face watching me curiously. No trace of exhaustion was in her liquid brown eyes, she hadn't been able to sleep either.

That thought thrilled me, emboldened me. I slid into her bed and under her covers, and immediately wrapped my legs around hers. Lacing my arms around her neck, I threw all of my body weight on her chest, knocking her back down to the pillows.

"Am I dreaming?" she whispered, before my lips lowered to hers. She ran her hands up my back and tangled her fingers in my hair. She pulled me into her even tighter, deepening our kiss. "I missed you," she muttered around my lips.

"I missed you too…" I muttered back, "so much."

I kissed her for as long as I could before my breath started to increase too much, and then I pulled away. I stripped off my tank top and she eyed me, running a hand gently down my chest. With a heavy, reluctant sigh, she said, "What are you doing, Jennie?"

I pressed myself against her and kissed her neck softly, in answer. She glanced up at the door. "Jennie, Taehyung is right-"

"I love you," I interrupted her, "and I missed you. Make love to me." I gazed lovingly at her impossibly glorious face, then pulled off the rest of my clothes.

"Jennie…"

I kissed her again and pressed my naked body against the entire length of hers. She groaned softly, and eagerly returned my affections. I ran my hands down the length of her incredible body and started to tug at her boxers.

"I love you…make love to me," I whispered again in her ear.

Her breath quicker, passion in her eyes, she glanced back at the door again and then at me. "Are you sur-"

"I'm sure," I interrupted breathlessly, and then kissed her hungrily.

Our kiss was deepening passionately when she abruptly pulled away from my lips. "Wait…" She looked at me wistfully. "I can't."

Surprised, I softly said, "Oh…well, I can…" I timidly ran my hand down inside her shorts. She felt fine to me…more than fine actually.

"Ah," she groaned lightly, "you're killing me, Jennie." She pulled my hand away and laughed once quietly. "That's not what I meant. I can…obviously, but…" she looked at me intently, "I don't think we should."

"But, this afternoon? That was… Didn't you…? I… Don't you want me?" I asked, confused, and a little hurt.

"Of course, of course I do." She eyed me, looked down at herself pointedly, and then looked back to me. "You should know that." I blushed deeply as she continued. "This afternoon was the most… I've never had anything like that. I didn't even know it could be like that, which for me, is saying a lot." She grinned sheepishly and I smiled at her.

"Don't you want that again?" I asked stroking her cheek.

"More than anything," she whispered huskily.

"Then take me…" I kissed her breathlessly.

She groaned softly. "God, Jennie. Why do you make everything so…"

"Hard?" I whispered, then blushed deeply again, as she laughed quietly. "I love you, Lisa. I feel like time is slipping away from us." I searched her eyes. "I don't want to miss a minute."

She sighed softly and I smiled, knowing I had just won. "For the record, this is a really bad idea…" I smiled wider and kissed her as she went over on top of me. "You will be the death of me," she muttered, as I finally pulled off her shorts.

Making love to Lisa soundlessly was extremely difficult. It involved a lot of skin clutching - actually, we clutched each other so hard, I was pretty sure we'd both have bruises, and well-timed deep kisses – holding our mouths together to contain the intensity of it. At one point, near the end, Lisa had to clamp her hand over my mouth. The slowness and restraint required in our conscious attempt at quietness, seemed to make everything more intense and the experience lasted longer than I ever would have believed possible. That was fine by me. It could have lasted forever…

Afterwards, we lay facing each other with our bodies pressed close together. Every breath she took pushed against my body, and every breath I took pressed against hers. We didn't speak. We simply gazed at each other. She stroked my hair and occasionally kissed me softly. I ran a finger along her cheek, then her jaw, and then her lips, feeling lost in her beautiful brown eyes. We stayed nearly motionless, completely silent, and soul-baringly naked with each other, until Lisa finally sighed.

"You should go back to your room," she whispered.

"No." I didn't want to move away from her warmth.

"It's nearly morning, Jennie."

I glanced over at the clock and startled when I realized she was right, it was nearly dawn. I stubbornly clutched her tighter.

She kissed me softly. "Wait in bed an hour, then come downstairs and have coffee with me, like we always use to." She kissed me again, then gently pushed me away from her. I pouted as she started handing me my clothes. I refused to move and shaking her head at me, she began dressing me. When she finished, she made me sit up, then stand up. "Jennie…" She stroked my cheek. "You have to go…before it's too late. We got lucky…don't push it."

She kissed my nose, and I resignedly sighed, ignoring her double entendre. "Okay, fine. I'll see you in an hour then." I couldn't stop myself from one last lingering gaze down her naked body, then sighing again, I left her room.

I crept back to my room stealthily and closed the door behind me. Taehyung didn't move, he was still deeply asleep, rolled on his side away from me, in his typical slumber. I watched him sleep in oblivious peacefulness for a moment, before I crawled into bed with him. I turned on my side to face him and gazed at his t-shirt rising and falling with his even breath. I didn't feel like crying like I had this evening. Guilt still washed through me, but it wasn't nearly as bad as before. This was getting easier…I hated that it was. I lightly ran my fingers through the shorter hair near his neck, and he sighed contently. I swallowed the sudden lump in my throat and slipped my arms around him, snuggling firmly into his back. He stirred and interlocked our fingers, then fell back asleep. I kissed the back of his neck and rested my head against his shoulder. And then the tears did come.

This was easier…but it wasn't easy.