JENNIE
The following morning I was cleared to leave. My sister was delighted at the news and actually kissed the doctor on the cheek when he told her. As she was wearing her Hooters outfit - tighter than tight orange shorts and a much too opaque, white logoed tank top - the doctor blushed furiously and quickly fled the room. My sister giggled attractively and helped me dress and brush out my bed mangled hair.
I watched the doors while we waited for the okay to leave. I wasn't sure who I was hoping would come to see me off - Taehyung or Lisa. I hadn't seen Lisa again, and when I asked my sister, she would only frown softly and say that she was "around". I remembered that Lisa hadn't wanted her to mention to me that she was hanging around the hospital, and wondered if she'd found out about her slipup.
I'd hurt Lisa enough that she couldn't make herself even see me, but not so much that she could leave me completely alone. I had no idea what that meant. She said she still loved me and I certainly still loved her. Even now, even after my mistake in the parking lot, after Taehyung's awful discovery, and the fight that still woke me up screaming sometimes, I loved her…and missed her. But I understood her need to be away from me, to finally let me go.
Somi came in while we waited and sat on the bed with me, occasionally stroking my arm or tucking some hair behind my ear, revealing my yellowing bruise. She told Jisoo and me stories of the bar and the crazy things some of the customers had done. She started to tell a story about Evan and Lucas ganging up on Jackson, but stopped shortly after mentioning their names. I didn't know if that was because she thought I didn't want to hear about men so close to Lisa, or if it was because Lisa was in the story too. I couldn't bring myself to ask her.
Jisoo grabbed the reins of the conversation once Jackson's name was half-heartedly mentioned, and by the end of her story, even sweet 'whatever floats your boat' Somi was blushing furiously. Jisoo was laughing huskily about that as Taehyung walked through the door.
He waved a greeting to the room and I startled to see him during the day…and in casual clothes. When I asked him if he should be at work, he shrugged and said that he took the day off to help me get settled. He raised his eyebrows at my expression and dryly said, "What are they gonna do, fire me?"
I smiled and thanked him, and the four of us chatted amicably until I was discharged.
Two hours later, I was staring out at a view of Lake Union from the two bedroom apartment building my sister had managed to find and acquire, in one afternoon. Granted, the apartment was tiny. The kitchen had space for the stove, refrigerator, and a dishwasher, a slab of Formica above it being considered the counter. The two bedrooms were on opposite ends of a short hall and I had to smile that my sister's had the full length closet, while mine was only half the size. My room had a futon and a dresser and my sister's had a mattress on a low bed frame with a nightstand. The bathroom was the shower only kind, and was already overflowing with my sister's beauty products. The living room and dining room were combined, and a rickety folding table indicated where we'd be eating. The remainder of the space was filled with an ancient looking orange couch and a chair that I knew from experience, was the single most comfortable chair in the world. My heart seized as I ran a hand along the back of it. It was Lisa's…and it was the only semi-decent piece of furniture she owned.
As Taehyung was watching me curiously, I brushed my fingers over my cheeks, swallowed repeatedly, and sat on the ugly orange couch. Taehyung made up a small lunch with some groceries he'd picked up for me, Jisoo left for her job, and Somi sat by me on the couch, turning on some soaps on the tiny television tucked in the corner. I half-watched TV with her, half-ate the sandwich Taehyung made me, and cast several looks at the comfortable chair… that no one was sitting in.
The following week, while I recovered and adapted to my new home and my sister's fanciful presence, things had adjusted into a sort of new routine. Somi would come and visit in the afternoons, sometimes with Kate, and try to get me out of the apartment and back to work at Pete's. I'd shake my head at both suggestions, and stay buried in warm blankets on the growing-on-me ugly couch.
My sister would head off to work, telling me that they were looking for another girl, and sisters would be a huge tip-maker, which, of course made me blush at just the thought of wearing those tight shorts. Then she'd come back later in the evening with an obscenely large wad of cash from those tips…and sometimes with Jackson's hands firmly attached to that absurdly tight uniform. On those nights, I wished our apartment was a little bigger, or soundproof.
And Taehyung stopped by every night after he got off work. I marveled at first that he was still so attentive, after everything I'd done to him. But I did notice the emotions he didn't want me to see - the tightness around his eyes when he looked at Lisa's chair, the sadness in his features when he looked over my body, and the guilt he'd swallow back when he looked at my bruise.
His voice also betrayed the casualness of his actions. He'd harden up whenever we talked about our history; I tried not to bring it up very often. He'd crack and have to swallow and restart if we talked about that night, about the fight; I tried to do that even less. And he'd refuse to talk at all about Lisa, only saying that he rarely saw her, but when he did things were "cordial". In fact, the only time his voice warmed and his accent thickened in an excited way, was when he spoke of going home, of starting his new job and seeing his family.
I was equally delighted and scared of that prospect that was looming larger every day. It seemed to grow larger and larger every time he visited. As I got better, he got more and more anxious to be gone. By the end of the week, we talked less and less about "us" and he talked more and more about his job. It was no surprise to me when he told me he'd moved up his flight a few days early. It was no surprise, but it still hurt tremendously.
A few days later found me driving him to the airport in his Honda, wanting that final goodbye, that closure. I walked with him through the sea of holiday travelers and held his hand, which he surprisingly let me; he usually tried to keep our physical contact minimal. I thought maybe he was savoring every last minute as well.
When we finally arrived at his gate, I froze and my mouth dropped open in complete shock. Sitting on a chair and staring at her cast, which was completely covered in writing and drawings, was Lisa. She looked up as we approached and my heart sped up. She looked better since I'd last seen her at the hospital, only a bluish bruise at the base of her eye and a couple of pink scratches marred her perfection, or perhaps they amplified it. Whatever the case…she was stunning.
She stood as Taehyung slowly walked over to her. Taehyung reflexively clutched my hand tighter for a second, and then he dropped it completely. I struggled to keep Taehyung's slow pace over to where he waited, my eyes never leaving Lisa's face.
Lisa's deep brown eyes however, were locked only on Taehyung's. She seemed to be purposely avoiding looking at me. I didn't know if she did that for Taehyung's benefit…or her own.
She held her hand out to Taehyung in a symbol of friendship. Her eyes studied Taehyung's face as Taehyung studied the offered hand. With a small sigh, that to me, echoed loudly throughout the noisy, crowd covered room, Taehyung grabbed her hand and firmly shook it. The corners of Lisa's lips curled up in a tiny smile and she nodded briefly at Taehyung.
"Taehyung…man, I'm…" she trailed off, words failing her, as her eyes drifted to their still shaking hands.
Taehyung released her hand and brought his to his hip. "Yeah…I know, Lisa. That doesn't mean we're okay…but I know." His voice was tight, his accent thick, and tears stung my eyes watching the two once close friends struggle to even find words to give each other.
"If you ever need anything…I'm…I'm here." Lisa's eyes moistened as she said that, but they remained fixed on Taehyung's face.
Taehyung nodded and clenched his jaw. Several emotions seemed to sweep through his features before he finally sighed and looked away. "You've done enough, Lisa."
My heart squeezed painfully at the infinite ways that one sentence could be interpreted. In one line, Taehyung had pretty much summed up everything between them – the good, as well as the bad. It tore my heart, and warmed it at the same time.
I felt a tear roll down my cheek, but I was too intently watching Lisa to do anything about it. I was sure she was going to crack. I was sure she was going to sob and beg Taehyung's forgiveness on her hands and knees if she had to, but then, a ghost of a smile touched her lips and she swallowed roughly, forcing back the tears encroaching on her eyes. It seemed that Lisa had decided to take the good in that sentence, and leave the rest behind.
Lisa clapped Taehyung's shoulder affectionately. "Take care…mate." She said it warmly and with no trace of an implied accent; Lisa was one of the few people I'd met who never tried to sound like Taehyung. With Lisa, it somehow seemed a level of respect that she never tried to copy him.
Taehyung seemed to understand that and while maybe not exactly reciprocating feelings of respect for Lisa, he did clap her warmly on the shoulder. "You too…mate."
Then Lisa gave her a swift hug and walked away from us. The urge to reach out and grab her shirt, to make her look at me, talk to me, was so great…but I couldn't make a scene with Lisa while saying goodbye to Taehyung, not after everything we'd put him through.
So I balled my hands into fists to stop the strong desire sweeping through me, and I silently watched her leave. Just as the crowd was swallowing her up, she turned to look back at us. Our eyes finally met for the first time in so long, that an actual ache ripped through my body at the all too brief connection. I watched her mouth drop open and her face contort in pain and I knew she'd felt the same agony rip through her. She wanted me…she still wanted me, but I'd hurt her too greatly.
Her hand came to the bridge of her nose as she turned back around, the crowd immediately obliterating any sign of her. I closed my eyes and when I reopened them, Taehyung was watching me with an expression on his face like he finally understood something. I didn't know what he'd seen in that one painful glance, but he'd definitely seen it. With a shake of his head and a suddenly sympathetic look, he put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me to him, in an almost consolatory way.
I lay my head on his shoulder and as one, we turned to face the windows, to watch his plane gleam in the sun. "I'll miss you, Taehyung," I finally whispered, once I could speak again.
His arm squeezed me tighter. "I'll miss you too, Jennie. Even with everything, I'll still miss you." He paused, then whispered, "Do you think…?" I pulled my head up to look at him, as he turned his head to look down at me. "Do you think, if I had never taken the job in Tucson, you and Lisa never would have…?" He looked down at the ground and bunched his brows. "Did I throw you to her?"
I shook my head and rested it on his shoulder. "I don't know, Taehyung, but I think that, one way or another, Lisa and I would have…" I looked up at him as he looked back down on me. I couldn't finish that sentence, not directly to him, not with his dark brown eyes looking back into mine so painfully.
"I'll always love you, you know," he said thickly.
I nodded and swallowed. "And I'll always love you… always."
He smiled softly and tucked a lock of hair behind my ear, his fingers starting to brush my cheek. With a look of great internal debate, he finally bent down and gave me a tender kiss on the lips. It lasted longer than a friendly kiss would, shorter than a romantic kiss would. Somewhere in the middle, just like us.
When he pulled away, he kissed my bruised face once, before I laid my head back on his shoulder. I squeezed his free hand while his other held my body close to his, and we waited. Waited for them to announce he would leave. Waited for our separation to be permanent. Waited for our deep, but broken connection, to be physically severed.
Eventually it did happen and with a long sigh he pulled away from me. After grabbing his bag from where he'd dropped it when he'd taken Lisa's hand, he kissed my head in farewell. I clutched his hand and held on to him until the last possible second. The very tips of our fingers were the last pieces of our bodies to stop touching each other. I felt something leave me when the contact stopped. Something warm and safe, and at one point in my life, something that had been everything to me. He held my watery eye contact with his own until he disappeared around the corner, and I knew that those warm, deep brown eyes and that charming goofy grin, were finally lost forever to me.
My body shut down. I felt it going. I felt my legs leaden and my knees buckle, and my head fade to a hazy gray-black. My legs hit the floor with a thud that I was sure shook the bolted seats in front of me, and just as I waited for my still tender head to smack painfully onto one of those seats, warm hands cradled me.
I recognized the scent first, the unmistakably delicious odor of leather and earth and person that was Lisa Manoban. I didn't know how she was with me, and I couldn't see her yet through my foggy vision, but I felt her and knew it was her arms that held me.
She lowered my head carefully to her knees as she huddled on the floor beside me. One hand stroked my back, while the other felt my face, making sure I was okay. "Jennie?" Her voice still sounded distant, even though I knew she was right beside me.
My vision started clearing and her faded jeans came into focus. I weakly lifted my head and attempted to understand what was happening. Her eyes softened as she gazed down at me, her casted hand rubbing my back, her other fingers tracing my face lovingly. Instantly I realized I'd fainted, and she'd been watching me, always watching me, and had saved me from a world of pain. Then I remembered our distance, and my ache and overwhelming grief at watching Taehyung leave. I sat up and threw myself into her arms, straddling her knees on the floor and tangling my arms around her neck, never wanting to let go. She stiffened and convulsed like I'd hurt her, but eventually she brought her arms around my back and held me tight to her, rocking us gently on the floor and murmuring that it would be okay.
The roar of the airplane's engines brought our attention back to the ache forefront in our minds, and we both turned to look at the window and watch the huge plane begin to taxi away from us. We both watched it silently, tears streaming down my face and soft sobs escaping my lips. Lisa continued to rub my back and rested her head against mine, occasionally bringing her lips to my hair. I clutched at her fiercely and when the plane left my sight, I dropped my head to her shoulder and sobbed mercilessly.
She let me hold her until my pain eased, if not stopped. When I was hiccupping and attempting to breathe with some normalcy, she gently, but firmly, pushed me off her lap. I tried to stay, embarrassingly clutching at her clothes, but she was persistent and eventually she released herself from under me and stood.
Her face was resolute as she stood in front of me. I had to look down. I had to stare at the floor. For a brief moment I'd thought we'd reconnected in our mutual grief, but I must have been wrong. Her face didn't look like she was welcoming me back to her. Her face looked like she was about to say goodbye again. I didn't want to hear it again.
A hand reached out and gently touched the top of my head as I stared at my knees on the floor. I tentatively looked up into Lisa's amazingly perfect, bruised face. A soft smile played on her lips and her eyes had warmed a bit, although, the sadness never really left them.
"Can you drive?" she asked lowly.
Grief threatened to wrench through me again at the thought of driving home alone and sitting in my empty apartment alone. I wanted to tell her no, that I needed her , that I needed to stay with her, and we needed to find a way back to each other, back from my mistake. But I couldn't. I nodded my head, yes, and prepared myself for the one thing that had always sort of terrified me…being alone.
She nodded and held her hand out to me to help me stand. I took it and clutched her warmth tightly as she pulled me up. I stumbled a bit and put my hand on her chest to steady myself. I felt a bandage under my fingertips and she flinched in pain. My hand was resting on her Pecs not hee ribs, so I wasn't sure why that hurt her. Maybe her injuries were worse than I knew. Maybe she just didn't like me touching her.
Shw removed my hand, but continued holding my fingers. We faced each other, both hands clasped together and standing close, but an almost insurmountable distance was between us.
I'd chosen her and then left her. How would she ever forgive me?
"I'm so sorry, Lisa…I was wrong." I didn't offer any more explanation than that. I couldn't, since my throat closed up completely and speech just wasn't possible.
Her eyes misted over and she nodded. Did she understand what I meant? That I meant I was wrong for leaving her…not wrong for loving her. I couldn't explain and she didn't ask. She bent her head down to me and I instinctually raised my chin. Our lips met in the middle - soft and passionate, pulling apart, before fully sinking into the feeling of being together. Dozens of tiny, hungry, not nearly long enough kisses that spiked my heart rate.
Finally, she forced herself to stop, and pulled away before it got to be too much, and we both caved to the underlying sexual tension that was always between us. She dropped my hands and took a reluctant step back from me. "I'm sorry too, Jennie. I'll see you…around."
Then she turned and left me, breathless, spinning with confusion and grief, and…alone. Her words echoed in my ears and I felt one hundred percent positive that she hadn't meant them. I felt positive that I'd just seen the last of Lisa Manoban.
Somehow I made it home. Somehow I managed to not break down while driving, and smack right into the back of someone in my tear-obscured vision. No, I saved all of my tears for the heart-shaped pillow my sister had scrounged somewhere for me. I drenched that thing, and then mercifully fell asleep.
My world felt a little lighter when I woke the next day. Maybe it was because my head felt better and the bruising was switching colors, indicating that some healing was going on somewhere in my body. Or maybe it was because the final painful break with Taehyung had been made, and I didn't have to be anxious about it anymore. It was done…we were done…and even though those words hurt my heart, I felt okay.
Showering and getting dressed brought even more relief, and as I looked over my beaten skull, I wondered where my life would go from here. Certainly I needed to find a job. And I definitely needed to catch up on schoolwork. Winter break had already hit while I'd been recovering, but a few phone calls from my doctor, and me, and surprisingly Taehyung, had gotten me an extension on the classes I was behind in. And if I poured myself into school, I was confident I'd be caught up before next quarter.
I clenched my jaw and decided that was what I'd do. I may have lost my job, my boyfriend, and my lover, but if I focused hard enough, I could possibly keep my precious scholarship. And if I did that…maybe, just maybe, my heart would heal as slowly and assuredly as my head.
Taehyung called me two days later, right before my sister and I were about to fly home for Christmas. My parents had the tickets they'd gotten for Taehyung and me, switched over to my sister and me, and seemed genuinely sorry when I'd told them that things hadn't worked out between us. They'd also grilled me for two hours on when I was coming back to Ohio U.
Taehyung told me all about his new job and his upcoming plans with his family. He seemed genuinely happy, and his good spirits lifted mine. Of course, his voice did break when he wished me a Merry Christmas, followed immediately by, "I love you." It seemed to slip out of his mouth without him thinking about it, and a silence hovered in the air between us as I wondered what to say to that. In the end, I told him that I loved him too. And I did, there would always be a level of love between us.
The next day, my sister and I braved going home for the holidays. She artfully covered the slight yellowing of my bruise with makeup, and vowed that she wouldn't mention the accident to mom or dad; they'd never let me come back to Seattle.
Before I left my bedroom, I rifled through my dresser for the hundredth time, looking for the necklace that Lisa had given me. Every day I wanted to wear it, wear a piece of her with me, since I hadn't seen her in so long, but I hadn't been able to find it since the night she'd given it to me. A part of me feared that it had been lost or stolen in the fiasco. A part of me feared that Lisa had decided to take it back. That would almost be the worst scenario. It would be like she was taking back her heart.
I still couldn't find it, and had to leave the city without my symbolic representation of her…and it cut deep to do so.
Home with my family was odd. It was warm and welcoming and a barrage of childhood memories hit me, but it didn't feel like "home" anymore. It felt like I was walking into a best friend's house, or an aunt's house. Somewhere comfortable and familiar, but still a little foreign. It had the overall vibe of childhood safety, but I felt no desire to stay and wrap myself in that feeling. I wanted to be home…my home.
We stayed a couple days after the holidays and then, my sister even itchier than me, we said tearful goodbyes to our parents at the airport. My mother was a blubbering mess as she watched her two girls depart, and I momentarily felt bad that my heart was anchored so far away from them. I'd told myself that I'd just fallen hopelessly in love with the city…but a tiny part of my brain, that I forcefully ignored, knew that wasn't it. A place was just a place. And it wasn't the city that made my heart pulse and my breath quicken. It wasn't the city that drove me to distraction, and left me sobbing in the still of the night.
After my frantic catch-up on schoolwork over the holiday break, and wistfully watching my sister duck out on New Year's Eve for a special D-Bag performance that twisted my heart into knots, I focused on the second most important thing I needed to get squared away – a job. What I ended up getting, early on in the New Year, was a waitressing job at a popular little diner in Pioneer Square, where Somi's roommate Rachel worked. The place was famous for its all night breakfast, I guess, and drew quite a crowd of college kids. It was hopping busy on my first night there, but Rachel gleefully showed me the ropes.
Rachel was an interesting mix of Asian and Latin with latte skin and mocha hair, and a smile that charmed quite a few frat boys out of some large bills. She was as sweet as Somi, but quiet like me. She didn't ask about my injury and even though she had to know the whole torrid love triangle (being Somi's roommate and all), she never once commented on my romances. Her quiet was soothing.
I fell into my new job easily enough. Along with great managers and amusing cooks, the tips were good there, the other waitresses welcoming, and the regulars were patient. It didn't take me too long to feel moderately comfortable in my new home.
Of course, I missed Pete's like crazy. I missed the smell of the bar. I missed Scott in the kitchen, even though I didn't really spend too much time with him. I missed talking and laughing with Somi and Kate. I missed dancing to the music from the jukebox. I even missed horny Rita, and her never-ending stories that made me blush all over. But of course, what I missed the most about Pete's, was the entertainment.
I saw Jackson repeatedly, as he came over often to "entertain" my sister. Actually, I saw way more of him than I ever wanted to see. In fact, I now know that he has a piercing in a spot that I'd never imagine a guy voluntarily asking someone to push a needle through. I considered scrubbing out my eyes after that little naked encounter in the hallway, one evening.
Lucas would occasionally stop by with him, and we'd chat quietly. I'd ask how the band was going, and he'd start talking about instruments and gear and songs and melodies and shows that went really well and a few places that he'd managed to line up gigs, and on and on about the business end of it. Not exactly what I wanted to hear about, but I nodded and politely listened to him, watching his pale eyes sparkle as he talked about the love of his life. I was glad after talking to him, that Lisa hadn't left Seattle; Lucas would be crushed if their little band broke up. He really believed that they had a shot at going big one day. Thinking over their performances, with a painful tug in my heart, I did agree. With Lisa as their front man…they could go all the way.
Sometimes Lucas and my sister would talk about Lisa, only to stop when I entered the room. One such conversation left an icy pit in my stomach. I'd just quietly cracked open the front door and heard them talking in the kitchen. I heard Lucas's soft voice finishing telling her, "…right over heart. Romantic, huh?"
"What's romantic?" I muttered, as I walked into the room, thinking they were surely talking about Jackson, although, I couldn't imagine what he'd do that was "romantic". I grabbed a glass and started filling it with water, when I finally noticed the awkward silence suddenly in the room.
Pausing, I noticed my sister staring at the floor, biting her lip, and Lucas looking out into the living room, like he really wanted to be over there. That was when I understood that they weren't talking about Jackson. They were talking about Lisa.
"What's romantic?" I said automatically, even as my stomach clenched. Had she moved on?
Jisoo and Lucas looked briefly at each other for a second, before simultaneously saying, "Nothing." I set down the glass and left the room. Whatever romantic gesture she'd done, I didn't want to hear it anyway. I didn't want to think about who she was with now, about who she was "dating". Whatever romantic thing she had done for a girl –some girl not being me - I didn't want to ever hear about it.
Surprisingly, I ran into Evan at school. Aside from work, school was really the only other place I went. I spent every free moment there, studying, and quite honestly, busing my head, to stop the gnawing ache in my heart. I'd been coming out of one of the impressive brick buildings, lost in painful thoughts I shouldn't have been thinking about anyway, when I'd nearly run right into him. His warm, brown eyes had widened and glowed at seeing me, and then he lifted me into a massive bear hug and I giggled until he let go.
Apparently, Evan was a big fan of people-watching on the campus. He loved hanging around the school, and had even made Lisa take the freshman tour with him nearly a half dozen times, a couple of years ago. With a small grin, Evan confessed to me that he'd had a huge crush on the girl giving the tour at the time. Surprise flashed through me, as I realized that that was how Lisa knew so much about the campus. She had certainly been with girls here, but the majority of her intimate knowledge, was because of Evan dragging her on the same tour that I'd drug her on.
That thought made my eyes water, and Evan's happy face looked over me with a trace of concern in it. "Are you alright, Jennie?" I tried to nod and that only made my eyes water more. Evan sighed and brought me back in for another hug. "She misses you," he whispered.
I startled and pulled away at that. Evan shrugged. "She acts like she doesn't…but I can tell. She's not Lisa. She's moody and writes a lot, and snaps at people, and drinks a lot, and…" He stopped talking and cocked his head. "Okay, well, maybe she's still Lisa." He grinned as I managed a half-laugh. "But she really misses you. You should see what she…"
He stopped talking again and bit his lip. "Anyway, just know that she hasn't moved on or anything." A tear fell on my cheek as I wondered if that was true, or if Evan was just trying to make me feel better. He tenderly brushed the tear away. "Sorry, maybe I shouldn't have said anything."
I shook my head and swallowed. "No, it's okay. No one will really talk about her in front of me, like I'm porcelain or something. It's good to hear about her. I miss her too."
He cocked his head at me and his brown eyes turned unusually serious. "She told me how much she loved you. How much you meant to her." Another tear threatened to fall, and I brushed my lid to halt it. His face blushed curiously as I sniffled. "That night…that I kinda…walked in on you. I really didn't see anything," he quickly added. I blushed in kind, and he looked at the pavement for a moment.
"She told me once about her childhood…about her parents' abuse." My mouth dropped open as I gaped at him. I got the impression that he didn't talk about that with anyone. Evan seemed to understand my expression and smiled grimly. "I figured she told you. With me…she was really drunk. I don't think she even remembers telling me. It was right after they died…when she saw the house." He raised an eyebrow at me. "You know that's not her childhood home, right?"
I frowned and shook my head, I hadn't known that. He nodded and sniffed. "Yeah, we were playing bars in LA, once we got together with Lucas and Jackson, doing pretty good too, made a name for ourselves down there. Then…well, I still remember the day her Aunt called, and told her they'd both been killed. She dropped everything and drove up here that night. We followed her, of course."
He looked down at the pavement and shook his head. "I don't think she ever really understood why we did that, why we moved here with her. I don't think she grasped that we believed in her, and loved her, like family. I still don't think she grasps that. I think that's why she thought she could ditch town without telling us." He shook his head again. "She said she thought we wouldn't care, that we'd just replace her." I cringed that Lisa had been going to bail on them, because of me, and was a little surprised that Lisa thought she was so easy to replace. That word sounded so wrong in reference to her.
After a silent moment, Evan looked back up at me with an eyebrow raised. "Of course, her version of family is a little…skewed." I nodded at that, and thought over just how twisted Lisa's version of love had been, for most of her life. Evan cleared his throat and continued. "Anyway, they left her everything they had, even the house. She seemed really surprised that they would do that, but she was even more surprised when she saw the house…and realized they'd moved."
Evan looked out over the campus, his eyes speculative and sad for his friend. "They never even bothered to tell her that they'd sold the home she'd grown up in. That they'd moved across town. And then…she found out that they'd tossed out all of her stuff. And I mean, everything, there wasn't a single trace of her in that house, not even a picture. I think that's why she tossed out everything of theirs."
My breath caught as I realized that was why Lisa's house was so barren when we first moved in. It wasn't just that she didn't care about decorations, which I'm pretty sure she didn't. It was mainly because she had inherited a home that was completely foreign to her, and then out of anger or resentment, or both, tossed everything of her parent's…everything. She'd left no trace of them in her life, really she'd left no trace of any life in her life, until I'd come in and thrust mine upon her. Her never-ending pain made my heart thud loudly in my chest as I ached with sympathy for her.
Evan sniffed again as he looked back to me, another tear rolling down my cheek as I was too stunned from his revelation to wipe it away. "They were real bastards, but…their death still really affected her. She got really ripped and told me about what they used to do to her. Some of her stories…" Evan closed his eyes and shook his head, a light shudder running through him.
I closed my eyes as well as I thought over all the conversations I'd had with Lisa about her childhood. She'd never gone into specifics with me, about just what her father used to do to her. From the look on Evan's face, I'm guessing she'd gone into some pretty horrific details, and it had really affected Evan. I was both grateful I didn't know, and curious to know, those details.
When he reopened his eyes, they shone with compassion for his friend. "She must not have grown up around a whole lot of love. I kind of think that's why she screwed around so much. I know that sounds weird, but…she's always seemed a little different in the way she went after women." He scrunched his brows as he unknowingly correctly analyzed his band mate. "She's not just a horn ball like Jackson. She was almost…desperate to connect with someone. Like, she really wanted to love somebody…she just didn't know how."
He shrugged and laughed. "That sounds weird, I know. I'm no psychologist or anything. Anyway, I think that's what she saw in you…why she risked it. I think I understand what you meant to her." He put his hand on my shoulder. "What you mean to her."
I brought a hand to my mouth and held in a cry. I was sure Evan didn't know everything about Lisa's upbringing, but he understood a lot more than Lisa probably realized she did. He smiled sadly at my reaction and shrugged again. "I'm not trying to hurt you or anything. I guess, I just wanted you to know that she still thinks about you."
With tears freely flowing down my cheeks, we said our goodbyes and he walked away, waving. I couldn't tell Evan that even though I knew I'd meant something to Lisa at one point, and maybe, she did still think about me…I also knew from Lucas's slipup that she was trying to get with other people. I liked to think that it was hard for her, that she was forcing herself to do it, but, Lisa had every right to try and move on from me. I'd hurt her so badly. But I couldn't mention that to Evan. That part of Lisa's life, I did not want to talk about…with anyone.
And even though I missed my D-Bags, I was a little glad that I didn't see them more often. It hurt too much. And of course, the one that I really wanted to see, stayed completely hidden away from me…and I let her, even though it kind of killed me.