JENNIE

It was March, and the air was still crisp with the last edge of winter lacing it, but a smell of renewal was in the air too. The cherry blossoms at the University were in full bloom, and the quad was bursting with blushing pink flowers that lifted my leaden heart whenever I walked through it.

It had been a hard winter for me. Being alone wasn't something I enjoyed, and I'd had to endure a lot of alone time lately. My sister was a social butterfly, and had quickly amassed a bevy of beautiful Hooters girls to party with; I heard they were in line to be in the "Girls of Hooters" calendar next year.

Somi tried to take me out on occasion, but we had different schedules, and lining up a night when we were both off work and I wasn't doing something for school, was tricky. We did manage to see a movie every now and then, or grab some coffee before her shift, but it wasn't nearly as often as I would have liked.

School kept me busy, work kept me busy, and even staying in contact with Taehyung kept me busy. Since our time zones were so far apart, it gave "phone tag" a whole new meaning. But my heart couldn't possibly be kept busy enough to not miss Lisa. That just wasn't possible.

I may have been forced through a three month rehab with our self-imposed separation, but my underlying addiction was still there, and it beat and coursed deep throughout my veins. I could almost hear her name with my heartbeat and I berated myself for my stupid mistake every day. How could I have been so scared and foolish, to push away such a wonderful person?

My sister inadvertently brought that ache right to the surface one night. She was in the bathroom getting ready to hit a club with some friends. She was drying her silky hair, head bent over, letting the dryer give her already perfect locks extra volume. I walked by, just as she flipped up and fluffed out her tresses. She was wearing a backless triangle top, that was going to be much too cold for outside, but that wasn't what got my attention. It was the sparkle at her neck.

I stopped in the doorway, my mouth dropping open and my eyes watering. "Where did you get that?" I could barely even form the words.

She looked at me, confused for a minute, and then noticed my eyes locked onto the necklace around her throat. "Oh, this?" She shrugged and the necklace slid up and down her creamy skin. "It was stuck in with my stuff. I'm not sure where it came from. It's pretty though, huh?"

I couldn't speak again, as I stared in disbelief at the silver guitar necklace that Lisa had lovingly said goodbye to me with. The large diamond twinkled in the bathroom lights and my tearful vision amplified the sparkle until a rainbow streaked across my eyes.

My sister seemed to notice that I was starting to break down. "Oh god…is this yours, Jennie?"

I blinked and my vision cleared, as tears dropped down my cheeks. I watched her hastily reach behind her neck to unclasp it. "I didn't know. I'm sorry." Her fingers practically flung it at me, as she held it away from her.

"It's okay," I mumbled. "I just thought I'd lost it." Or Lisa had removed it.

She nodded and pulled me into a tight hug, lacing the necklace around me, since I still seemed reluctant to touch it. As she clasped it around my neck, she whispered, "Did Lisa give this to you?"

As she pulled away, I nodded, more tears dripping down my cheeks. "The night…she was leaving, the night we got caught." I ran my fingers down the silver piece and it seemed both burning and cooling to my touch.

My sister watched my face a minute and then ran a hand through my hair. "Why don't you go see her, Jennie? She's always at Pete's, and she still looks so…"

I shook my head and didn't let her finish. "I only ever hurt her. She wanted this…she wanted space." I looked up at her and exhaled brokenly. "I'm trying to do what's best for her…for once. Besides, I'm sure she's moved on by now."

She smiled sadly as she tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear. "You're an idiot, Jennie," she said softly, but warmly.

I smiled sadly back at her. "I know."

She shook her head and seemed to swallow back an emotion. "Well, why don't you come out with us girls then?" She shook her hips alluringly. "Go dancing with me."

I sighed, remembering the last time I went dancing with Jisoo. "I don't think so. I'm just gonna stay here, crash on the couch."

She twisted her lips as she leaned into the bathroom mirror to start doing her makeup. "Oh good…something new," she muttered sarcastically.

I rolled my eyes at her and walked away. "Have fun…and wear a coat."

"Sure thing, Mom," she shouted back playfully, as I walked down the hallway to the living room.

It was raining outside and I watched the slanting drops hit the window and roll down it like tears. The rain always reminded me of Lisa - her standing in it, letting it soak every part of her. Angry and hurt, and trying to stay away from me, so she didn't lash out at me. Crazy in love with me, even when I turned her away for someone else. I couldn't even imagine what that must have felt like for her.

How could I see her…after everything I'd done to her? My chest hurt though. I was tired of being alone. I was tired of trying to stay busy so she wouldn't enter my head, she did anyway. And mostly, I was tired of remembering the hazy version of her in my memory. More than anything else, I wanted the sharp, crystal-clear and perfect version of her right in front of me.

Without thinking about it, I sat in her chair. I didn't ever sit there. It was too hard, being on something that had belonged to her. I sank into the cushions and laid my head back. I imagined it was her chest I was leaning against, and a soft smile came to my lips. I touched the lost but found again necklace and closed my eyes. I could almost see her more clearly this way. I could almost even smell her.

I turned my face farther into the fabrics and startled when I realized that I could smell her. My hand clenched the cushion near my head and brought it to me. It didn't smell like the overwhelmingly wonderful scent that lingered on her skin, but it had the faint smell of her that lingered in her house. It smelled like her home, and to me, that smell was more binding than the childhood feeling I'd gotten at my parents' house.

She was my home…and I missed her terribly.

Jisoo came out of the bathroom as I was inhaling the chair and, feeling stupid, I dropped my hands to my lap and looked out the window again. "Are you okay, Jennie?" she asked quietly.

"I'll be fine, Jisoo," I answered indirectly.

She bit her perfect red lip and looked like she wanted to talk about something. Then she shook her head and asked, "Do you mind if I borrow the car, since you're staying here?"

"No…go ahead." I often let her take it when I didn't need it, and aside from work and school, I rarely needed it.

She sighed and coming over to me, kissed my head softly. "Don't mope all night."

I smiled up at her warmly. "Sure thing, Mom."

She laughed charmingly and grabbed the keys off the counter in the kitchen. She said goodnight before quickly leaving. She didn't take a coat and I shook my head at her. I traced the fabric of the chair under my fingers and wondered what to do.

I briefly considered calling Taehyung. Brisbane was seventeen hours ahead of Seattle, and he would be in the middle of his Saturday afternoon. He would probably answer at this hour, but I was reluctant to talk to him. Not that I had any qualms about calling him, we talked frequently, and had moved into a "friendly exes" stage. No, what made me hesitate was the fact that last month he'd told me that he'd asked a girl out on a date. At first I'd been hurt, then surprised that he'd mention such a personal fact to me, but I'd settled on happy. He should date. He should be happy. He was too wonderful to be anything else.

The next few phone calls from him included brief snippets about her and, as of last week, they were still together and doing well. I knew that was a good thing, and a part of me was thrilled for him, but I was feeling really lonely tonight and I didn't want the happy tone of his voice reminding me just how unhappy I was. Besides, he really shouldn't be getting calls on the weekend from his "ex" if he was seeing someone new. And he was probably with her right now, playing in the ocean or lying on the beach. I wondered briefly if they were kissing, right at this moment. Then I wondered if they were sleeping together, and I clenched my stomach and forced myself to not think about it. It didn't matter if they were…we'd let each other go in that respect. Of course, that didn't mean I liked the thought.

I ended up curling up on Lisa's chair with a warm blanket and watching a sad movie - one where the hero dies and everyone is broken, but endures their grief to make his sacrifice mean something. I was blubbering long before the actual death scene.

My eyes were red and raw and I'm sure my nose was dripping like a faucet, when the door to my apartment suddenly banged open. I spun my head to look at the door, alarmed, and then brought my brows together in confusion when I saw my sister standing there.

"Jisoo…are you okay?" She strode over to me and without a word, yanked me off the chair. "Jisoo! What are you…?"

The words were halted as she pulled me forcefully to the bathroom. She cleaned me up, and slapped on some lipstick and brushed my hair, while I sputtered inquisitions and tried to hold her back. My sister doesn't give up easily though, and she had me cleaned up and was shoving me towards the front door, before I even really knew what was going on.

I realized she was absconding with me, as she opened the door. I muttered, no, and braced myself on the doorframe. She sighed and I looked back at her, irritated. She leaned into me and very intently said, "You need to see something."

That confused me so much that I dropped my hands and she successfully shoved me out of the door. She dragged me to Taehyung's Honda as I sulked and pouted. I didn't want to go dancing with her. I wanted to go back to my cave of perpetual mourning, and finish my sad movie. At least that movie made my life seem cheery in comparison.

She sat me in the car and pointed at me harshly to stay put. I sighed and sank back into the familiar seats, sort of wishing the car still felt like Taehyung, and sort of glad nearly all trace of him was gone from the vehicle. It was now littered with lip gloss, empty shoe boxes, and a spare Hooters uniform.

I crossed my arms over my chest and pouted while my sister got in and drove us away. As she didn't take any of the roads that would take us towards the Square, where most of the clubs were, I started wondering where we were going. When we got onto a road that was so familiar it made my chest hurt, I started panicking. I knew exactly where she was taking me on this Friday night.

"No, Jisoo…please. I don't want to go there. I can't see her, I can't listen to her." I clutched at her arm and tried to physically turn the wheel, but she batted me away effortlessly.

"Calm down, Jennie. Remember…I'm doing the thinking for you now, and there is something that you need to witness. Something I should have showed you awhile ago. Something that even I hope to someday…" Her voice trailed off as she stared out the windows, almost longingly.

The look was so odd on her that for a moment, I forgot my protests. They swelled up again in my chest as we pulled into the parking lot of Pete's. She shut the car off and I stared at the familiar black Chevelle. My heart was thudding in my chest.

"I'm scared," I whispered into the silence of the car.

She grabbed my hand and squeezed it. "I'm here with you, Jennie."

I looked over at her perfectly beautiful face and smiled at the love I saw there. I nodded and jarringly opened the door to step out. She was at my side again almost instantly and holding my hand tightly, she walked me through the inviting double doors.

I didn't know what to expect. A part of me thought everything would somehow be different in my absence, like maybe every wall would be black now, and the cheery lighting would be dull and dingy gray. But I was startled when I stepped through, and saw that everything was exactly the same…even the people.

Rita did a double take when she noticed me, then gave me a suggestive wink and smiled devilishly. Apparently she knew about the affair, and since I'd joined her "I've had sex with Lisa Manoban club", we were now bonded. Kate waved to me from where she was waiting for a drink at the counter, her perfect ponytail bouncing in her happiness. And Somi was almost instantly in front of me, squeezing me tight and laughing about how good it was to see me out and about…and here. She glanced at the stage when she said that and I shut my eyes to not look. I couldn't stop hearing though; her voice shot right through my core.

Somi leaned into my ear when she noticed my reaction, and said over the music, "It will be okay, Jennie…have faith." I opened my eyes and stared at her smiling warmly at me. I felt my sister pulling my hand and Somi, seemingly understanding what Jisoo was doing, grabbed my other hand. They both started weaving me into the massive crowd that packed Pete's on the weekends, when the band played, and I instinctively tugged against them.

Insistently they dragged me forward, all the way forward. We pushed through the crowd and I kept my eyes focused on my feet, not wanting to look at her yet. It had been so long… It had been even longer since I'd heard her voice though, and it traveled all the way from my ears, down my spine, to the very bottom of my toes.

My breath hitched as the next song started while we inched through the packed bar. It was slow and haunting and dripping with emotion. Her voice had an ache to it that seared me. I glanced slyly at the people we were passing, and watched them sing along to the song with solemn faces. They knew it, so it wasn't new. Still not looking at the stage, I let her timbre affect every cell in my body. She was singing about that night in the parking lot, I suddenly realized. She sang of needing me and feeling ashamed for it. She sang of trying to leave me and it breaking her. She sang about crying, as we gave each other our final kiss… Then, the lyrics turned to what she was feeling now.

That's when I looked up at her.

Her eyes were closed. She hadn't noticed me approaching her yet. After not seeing her for months, her perfection was almost too much to take in all at once, like I'd go blind if I didn't absorb her in segments. Just the jeans - those perfectly fitted faded jeans that looked a little more worn than usual. Just the basic t-shirt that she preferred to wear - not decorated, not elaborate – simple, black, and perfectly sculpted to her. Just the delightfully toned arms, the left one completely healed and no longer casted, slinking down to strong hands that clutched the microphone while she sang. Just the impossibly sexy and wild hair, a little longer than I remembered it, but still a tousled mess, hinting at multiple past intimacies that rang loudly in my head, and in my body. Just that movie star jaw that made her even more impossibly attractive, crazy as that sounds. Just the full lips, holding no trace of the sexy grin she usually sang with. Just the slope of her nose. Just the perfect cheekbones. Just the long eyelashes of her closed lids, hiding the amazing browns behind them.

I had to take everything about her in separately at first; she was just too perfect to take in all at once. When I could handle it, I finally noted the fact that the perfection was unmarred. Her face was perfectly healed, and no sign of the physical trauma she'd endured was with her. But, looking at that face as a whole, was affecting me in an unexpected way. My breath came in stuttered pulls and my heart squeezed painfully, as Somi and Jisoo drew me towards her relentlessly.

Her eyes were still closed and her body rocked gently to the music, but her face was almost…desolate. Her words matched her face, as she sang about how each day was a struggle, and never seeing my face caused her physical pain. She sang that 'my face was her light, and she felt drenched in darkness without it'. Tears fell freely after I heard that line.

Somi and Jisoo successfully pulled me right to a spot in front of her. Some rabid fans didn't like that, but my sister was not one to be messed with, and after some flowery words from her, they left us alone. I barely noticed, as I stared up at her god-like perfection.

Eyes still closed, she sang of being beside me, even if I couldn't see or hear her. She sang of being scared of never again feeling me, never again feeling what we had. A long instrumental section followed her last verse and, eyes still closed, she rocked her head back and forth, biting her lip. Some girls around me screamed at that, but it was so clear to me that she wasn't trying to seduce anyone, she was in pain. I wondered if thoughts of me, of our time together, were flashing before her eyes, like they were flashing before mine.

I wanted to reach my hand out to her, but she was too far away to touch, and Somi and Jisoo still had a hold of me, maybe fearing I would bolt. I couldn't move now though. Not when she was filling my eyes, my ears, and my heart. I could only stare at her, enraptured.

I didn't even notice the other members of the band, and I didn't know if they noticed me. I barely noticed the crowd anymore as I watched her, and after another minute, I barely even noticed the feeling of Somi and my sister's eyes boring into me. Eventually I couldn't even feel their hands anymore, and I didn't even have it in me to wonder if they'd finally let go.

When the instrumental section came to a close, she finally reopened her inhumanly beautiful eyes. She happened to be looking down at me, and my face was the first thing she took in when she opened them. I felt the shock run through her body, even from where I was standing. The brown eyes widened and instantly glassed over. Her mouth fell open and her body stopped moving. She seemed to be completely thrown, like she'd woken up in a different universe. Her eyes locked onto mine, as tears flowed down my cheeks.

She sang the next lyrics with her brows scrunched, like she was sure she was dreaming. The rest of the band was quiet on this section, and her voice rang clearly through the bar, through my soul. She repeated the line about me being her light, a look of reverence on her face. Her voice drifted off along with the music, but her look of awe never left her.

I didn't know how to respond, other than with tears. I wiped a few away as I realized that my hands were indeed free. I could understand what Jisoo had wanted me to see now. That was the most beautiful, heartbreaking thing I'd ever heard; more intense and emotional than anything I'd ever heard her sing. My whole body was buzzing with the need to comfort her. But we were still just staring at each other, her on the stage, and me on the floor in front of it.

The fans stirred with an uneasy energy, as the guys waited for Lisa to signal the next song and she didn't. An unnatural silence filled the bar as we continued our silent stare down. From the corner of my eye, I saw Lucas lean toward Lisa and whisper something, smacking her arm lightly. Lisa didn't react, just kept staring at me with her mouth open slightly. I was positive several fans were staring and wondering about me, as I had her rapt attention, but I didn't care for once. My only focus was her.

Eventually, Evan's voice broke through the sound system. "Hey, everybody. We're gonna take a breather. Until then…Jackson's buying a round for everyone!" The bar erupted in whooping, as something streaked behind Lisa to where Evan was sitting at his drums. Laughter broke out around me and I barely heard it.

The crowd dispersed a little bit, as three of the D-Bags hopped off the stage and melted into it. Lisa still didn't move though. Her brow creased as she regarded me intently and nerves shot through me. Why wasn't she jumping down and scooping me into her arms? Her song made it seem like she ached for me…but her actions?

I took a step towards her, determined to be closer, even if I had to jump up on the stage with her. She looked away, out over the thinning crowd, and I watched several emotions pass over her face. It was almost like reading a book: confusion, joy, anger, sorrow, bliss, and then confusion again. Looking down briefly, she sniffed once and then carefully lowered herself to stand before me. My body hummed with the restraint to not touch her. She stepped closer to me and our hands in front of our bodies lightly brushed together. It sent fire through me, and she inhaled sharply.

Looking torn, she gently reached up and stroked a tear off my face with a knuckle. I closed my eyes and a small sob escaped me at the contact. I couldn't even care that I probably looked horrid, my eyes tired and bloodshot from sleepless nights, my hair an unruly mess, even though my sister had attempted to fix it, and still dressed in my "moping" clothes - ratty lounge pants and a torn, long sleeve t-shirt. None of that mattered…because she was touching me, and it affected me, just as it had always affected me. She cupped my cheek and stepped closer to me, our bodies touching now. I brought a hand to her chest and exhaled with relief that her heart was hammering as hard as mine. She was feeling this too.

Then, some of the fans around us seemed to think we weren't having a moment, and they had every right to intrude. I opened my eyes as some girls jostled me. She put an arm around me, to steady me, and stepped us away from the swarm a of couple spaces. Most of the girls acknowledged the retreat and left her alone. A particularly drunk blonde saw it as an opening instead. She aggressively walked up to Lisa and grabbed her face, like she was going to kiss her. Anger flared in me, but before I could even react to her, she leaned back and removed the blonde hands from her face. Then Lisa almost harshly pushed the eager woman away from her.

I turned to stare at Lisa and she looked down at me. I'd never seen her push anyone away, and definitely never that rudely. The girl did not appreciate that. From the corner of my eye, I noticed the woman narrow hers in drunken anger and swing her hand back for a maneuver that I knew all too well. My hand automatically reached up and grabbed her wrist, right before her hand made contact with Lisa's cheek. Lisa startled and looked back at her, seeming to finally understand that she'd just about been slapped again.

The woman dropped her mouth and looked me over with a comically surprised face. I thought she might fight me, but her cheeks suddenly flamed bright red, and she yanked her hand out of my grasp. Looking thoroughly embarrassed about what she'd almost done, she sheepishly backed off and disappeared into the crowd.

I felt Lisa chuckle beside me and I looked back at her small smile and warm eyes. The look had been gone for so long from my life, that I felt an actual pang looking at it. I smiled in kind and her eyes warmed even more. She nodded over at where the girl had disappeared to. "No one gets to smack me, but you?" she asked playfully.

"Damn straight," I said, blushing furiously at my curse. She chuckled again and shook her head adorably. Bringing seriousness back to my voice, I quietly said, "Can we go somewhere without so many…admirers?"

Seriousness marked her face too and she slinked down to grab my hand. She deftly led us through the remaining fans, and pulled us into the hallway. Nerves flashed through me as I started wondering if she'd pull me into the backroom. Too many memories were in there. It was too secluded, too quiet. There was too much heat between us. Too much could happen in that room, and we had too many things to talk over.

Maybe she felt my reluctance, maybe she understood that we needed to talk, maybe she'd never intended to lead me in there - whatever her reason, she stopped in the hallway, well before the door, and I leaned against the wall in relief and confusion.

She stood in front of me, her hands loose at her sides and her eyes traveling the length of me. I felt heated under her intense gaze. Eventually her eyes stopped on my necklace, her necklace, and with shaking fingers, she reached out to touch it. One of her fingers brushed my skin as she felt the cool metal, and I closed my eyes.

"You're wearing it. I didn't think you would," she muttered.

I opened my eyes and sighed as her brown ones locked onto mine. It had been so long…

"Of course, Lisa." I put my hand over hers on my necklace and was struck with how much that tiny contact affected me. "Of course," I repeated.

I tried to lace our fingers together, but she pulled her hand back and looked down the hallway. A few people were loitering around back here, coming in and out of the bathrooms, but it was relatively quiet and peaceful. She shook her head slightly, before returning her gaze to mine.

"Why are you here, Jennie?"

Her question broke my heart. Did she really not want to ever see me again? Confused, I blurted out, "My sister." She nodded, like that filled in all the blanks for her, and twisted her body like she was going to walk away. I grabbed her arm and roughly pulled her back to me. "You…for you."

My voice was a little panicked when I said that, and her eyes narrowed a bit as she looked me over. "For me? You chose him, Jennie. Push come to shove…you chose him."

I shook my head and pulled her arm closer, her body taking a step nearer as well. "No…I didn't. Not at the end, I didn't."

Her brows scrunched together. "I heard you, Jennie. I was there, I heard you clearly-"

I cut her off. "No…I was just scared." I pulled her even closer and put my other hand on her chest. "I was scared, Lisa. You're…you're so…" I suddenly didn't know how to explain it to her, and I fumbled around for words.

She stepped closer to me and suddenly our hips were touching. "I'm what?" she whispered.

The fire at her nearness flew through me, and I stopped trying to think about what to say and just let whatever wanted to come out, come out. "I've never felt such passion, like I feel when I'm with you. I've never felt this heat." My hand rubbed her chest and then pushed up to her face. Her eyes watched me intensely, her lips parted as she breathed shallowly. "You were right, I was scared to let go…but I was scared to let go of him to be with you, not the other way around. He was comfortable and safe and you… I got scared that the heat would burn out…and you'd leave me for someone better…and then I'd have nothing. That I'd throw Taehyung away for a hot romance, that would be over before I knew it, and I'd be alone. Flash fire," I muttered.

Her head lowered as her body pressed closer to me, our chest were touching as well now. "Is that what you think we had? Flash fire? Did you think I'd just throw you away if that fire died?" She said 'if', like the very idea was ridiculous to her.

She rested her head against mine and one of her legs shifted in-between mine. My breath picked up and then nearly stopped at her next words. "You…the only woman I've ever loved…ever. You thought I'd toss that out? Do you really think anyone in this world, compares to you in my eyes?"

"I get that now, but, I panicked. I was scared…" My chin lifted until our parted lips brushed together.

She pulled back and took a step away from me. My hand clenched her arm to keep her from leaving. She looked down and then back up to me, her eyes struggling with wanting me and not wanting me. "You don't think this scares me, Jennie?" She shook her head. "Do you think loving you has ever been easy for me…or even sometimes, pleasant?"

I looked down at her words and swallowed loudly. I suppose loving me hasn't always been a picnic for her. Her next words confirmed that. "You have put me through hell so many times, that I almost think I'm crazy for even talking to you right now."

A tear dripped down my cheek and I shifted my body to leave. She grabbed my shoulders and kept me held against the wall. I looked up at her and another tear hit my cheek. Her thumb came up to tenderly wipe it away, and then both hands held my face and kept me looking at her. "I know what we have is intense. I know it's terrifying. I feel that too, believe me. But it's real, Jennie." Her hand ghosted from her chest to mine, and then back again. "This is real and it's deep, and it wouldn't have just…burned out. I'm done with meaningless encounters. You're everything I want. I'd never have strayed from you."

I brought my hands up to hold her face, to pull her into me, but she stepped back again before I could reach her. Her eyes filled with an almost unbearable sadness as she gazed at me, a foot apart now. "I still can't be with you though. How can I ever trust that…" her eyes drifted to the floor, and her voice quieted to barely reach me above the din of the hallway, "that you won't leave me one day. As much as I miss you, that thought keeps me away."

I took a step towards her and reached out for her hands. "Lisa, I'm so-"

She looked up at me and cut me off. "You left me for him, Jennie. Even if it was just some knee-jerk reaction, because the thought of us terrified you," her brows scrunched together unhappily as she said those words, "you still were going to leave me for him. How do I know that won't happen again?"

"It won't…I won't ever leave you. I'm done being apart from you. I'm done denying what we have. I'm done being scared." My tone came out surprisingly calm, and I was a little startled to realize that my nerves were calm too. I truly meant what I'd just said, maybe more than I'd ever meant anything I'd said to her.

She shook her head sadly. "I'm not, Jennie. I still need that minute…"

I put my hand on her stomach and she looked down at it, but left it there. I murmured, "Do you still love me?" My breath stopped as I waited for her answer. I hoped from her expression and her song that she did, but I needed to hear her acknowledge it.

She sighed and looked over my face. Slowly, she nodded. "You would never believe how much."

I stepped closer to her and ran my hand up to her chest; she closed her eyes at the contact. My fingers ran over her heart and her hand came up to hold my fingers there. "I never left you…I kept you with me, here." I thought she was being symbolic with that phrase, until I remembered Lucas talking to Jisoo in the kitchen. She'd said, "…right over the heart…" I'd assumed at the time that Lisa had done something romantic for another woman, but what if she'd…

I moved my fingers to the collar of her shirt and pulled it down. She sighed softly, but dropped her hand and didn't stop me as I stretched the fabric. I wasn't sure what I was looking for, but then I saw the black markings on her once pristine skin. Confused, I pulled the shirt down farther. That was when my mouth dropped open in shock. She'd told me once that she couldn't think of anything she'd want permanently etched into her skin, and here I was, staring at my own name in beautifully scripted letters, right above her heart. She literally had kept me with her. My own heart cracked into pieces, as I traced the large swirling letters.

"Lisa…" My voice choked up and I had to swallow.

She moved her hand onto mine and pulled my fingers away from her skin, hiding her tattoo again. Interlacing our fingers, she brought them back to her chest and then rested her forehead against mine. "So…yes, yes I do still love you. I never stopped. But…Jennie…"

"Have you been with anyone else?" I whispered it, not sure if I really wanted to know or not.

She pulled back fractionally, and looked at me like I'd just asked her something she couldn't even contemplate. "No…I haven't wanted…" She shook her head lightly. "Have you?" she whispered.

I bit my lip and shook my head as well. "No. I just…I just want you. We're meant to be, Lisa. We need each other."

We both stepped together at the same time, until every inch of us was touching, head to foot. Her other hand traveled to my hip as mine slipped around her waist. Without a thought, we both pulled each other even closer. My eyes kept drifting down to her lips and I made myself lift them back to her eyes. She was also staring at my mouth, and when she brought her tongue over her lower lip, followed by her teeth slowly dragging across them, my eyes quickly darted back down and I gave up trying not to stare.

"Jennie," she started again, as her head angled down to me and mine angled up to her. "I thought I could leave you. I thought distance would make 'this' go away, and it'd get easier, but it hasn't." She shook her head slightly as I started to get lost in the overwhelmingly wonderful smell of her that was enveloping me. "Being apart from you is killing me. I feel lost without you."

"I do too," I murmured.

She exhaled brokenly; our mouths were only inches apart. Our fingers against her chest disentangled and I ran mine up over her shoulder. She dragged hers slowly down my necklace again. She whispered, "I've thought about you every day." I inhaled sharply as the very tips of her fingers traveled down my chest and over my bra. "I've dreamt about you every night." The pads of her fingers trailed along my ribs, as mine reached around her neck to twirl around the hair at the back of her head. We both kept drawing each other nearer while she talked, still attracted to each other, almost subconsciously.

"But…I don't know how to let you back in." Her hand on my hip moved up my back and mine followed suit down her back. What I could see of her eyes, were flashing over my face, nervous and anxious, scared even. She looked the opposite of how I felt. Her lips drifted even closer, until I could practically feel the heat coming off of them. My heart beat spiked and I closed my eyes when she whispered, "I don't know how to keep you out either."

Just then, she was pushed from behind, and for a fraction of a second I thought I heard my sister's throaty chuckle, but I couldn't focus long enough to be sure. My rational thoughts were suddenly obliterated. Whoever had pushed her into me had closed the distance for us, and Lisa's lips were now firmly on mine. We froze for a good ten seconds, and then stopped denying what we both wanted and began to move together simultaneously - light, lingering, soft kisses that seared my lips and quickened my breath. I offered no resistance and completely gave myself over to her. I was hers anyway…

"Oh god," she whispered along my lips, "I've missed…" She pressed harder against me and I moaned slightly under her touch. "I can't…" Her hand ran back up my chest to clutch at my neck. "I don't…" Our lips parted and her tongue lightly slid into me, barely touching mine. "I want…" She groaned deep in her chest and I found myself matching her sound. "Oh god…Jennie."

Both of her hands drifted to my face, gently stroking back my now freely flowing tears before clutching me firmly. She pulled back to look in my eyes. With a heavy breath, I returned her intense gaze, her eyes smoldering in a way that made me weak. "You wreck me," she growled, crashing her lips back down to mine.

It was like someone had flipped a switch on us both. She pushed us back into the wall, her body hard on mine. My hands flew up into her hair, while hers drifted over my chest and down to my hips. I was pretty sure we were going way beyond simple PDA now, and even though I knew some bodies were still lingering in this hallway, quite possibly my sister among them, with Lisa's hands, body and tongue on mine, I just couldn't care enough to be embarrassed.

I savored her heat, her passion, and the occasional noises that she made, that were so suggestive and alluring. I brought her closer to me and wished we were alone in that backroom. As her hands reached around behind me, playing with the indentation of my lower back, that she seemed to have such a thing for, I suddenly realized that this was what I'd wanted to avoid happening when she first brought me back here. Not that I didn't want physical contact with her, every part of me did, it was just…this wasn't what we needed right now.

Physical contact had never been our problem. It was the slowing things down, having an actual relationship that had panicked me into making a foolish mistake. Firmly, but gently, I pushed her shoulders away from me. With confused, blazing eyes, she let me. Hurt almost immediately entered those eyes, as some realization passed through her. I was sure it wasn't what had passed through me, so I quickly said, "I want you. I choose you. It will be different this time, everything will be different. I want to make this work with you."

She relaxed and looked at my lips and then my eyes and then back to my lips. "How do we do that? This is what we do…back and forth, back and forth. You want me, you want him. You love me, you love him. You like me, you hate me, you want me, you don't want me, you love me…you leave me. There's so much that went wrong before…"

I brought a hand to her cheek and she looked up at me. I could see it then - the confusion, the lingering anger, the rejection, the pain and underneath it all, a deep insecurity. She felt so conflicted, all the time. She doubted herself. She doubted her goodness…all because of me, because of our twisted relationship. I was tired of bringing such turmoil into her life. I was tired of "wrecking" her. I wanted to be good to her. I wanted to bring her joy. I wanted us to have a future together. But, regardless of her assurance, we really would burn out at this pace.

"Lisa, I'm naïve and insecure. You're a…moody artist." Her lip twitched at that and smiling softly, I continued, "Our history is a mess of twisted emotions, jealousies and complications, and we've both tormented and hurt each other…and others. We've both made mistakes…so many mistakes." I leaned back from her and smiled wider. "So, how about we slow down? How about we just…date…and see how it goes?"

She looked at me blankly for a long moment, and then a devilish look passed over her face. It was a look that had been absent from my sight for so long that it hurt my heart in the best possible way to see it. I blushed, and my whole body felt five times hotter when I remembered what Lisa considered "dating".

I looked down, embarrassed. "I meant…actual dating, Lisa. The old-fashioned kind."

I looked up at her light chuckling. Her smile softened to a calm, peaceful one, as she warmly said, "You really are the most adorable person. You have no idea how much I've missed that."

My smile matched hers, as I stroked her face. "So…will you date me?" I added a slight suggestive tone and she raised an eyebrow at hearing it.

Her smile widened playfully. "I'd love to…date you." Her look turned more serious. "We'll try…we'll try to stop hurting each other. We'll take this easy. We'll go slowly."

I could only nod in response.

In a way that I'd never thought possible from Lisa, we went exceedingly slow. I stayed with my sister at our apartment (and she delighted over and over in telling people that she had literally "shoved" us back together) and Lisa stayed alone in her house, never having gotten another roommate. Our first official date was that Sunday night, when we both had the evening off. We went out to dinner. She held my hand when she met me at my door and at the end of the evening, kissed my cheek when she took me home. It was such a chaste evening, it nearly shocked me. But even though the physical contact was being restrained, our other emotions were running rampant. There was a lot of eye-gazing and dopey smiles from the both of us.

Next, she took me dancing again. My sister (who took great joy in repeatedly smacking Lisa on the back of her head, for lying about the two of them sleeping together - and I always let her, a grin plastered on my face each time), Somi, her roommate Rachel, and of course, the other band members, came out with us - kind of a group date thing.

I smiled as I watched shy Lucas flush with color, as his pale eyes took in the exotic beauty of quiet Rachel. They spent most of the night together, getting to know each other in a secluded corner in the back. The rest of us stayed close together on the packed floor, dancing mainly as one large group. Lisa did nothing more suggestive than slow dance with her arms around my waist, her fingers along the ridge of my lower back. I smiled at her restraint and carefully put my head on her shoulder, determined to match her level.

With lazy, satisfied eyes, I watched Jisoo and Jackson being too obscene for words on the floor and quickly shifted my focus to where Evan and Somi appeared to be having a moment. I nudged Lisa's shoulder and smiling, she looked down on me. I flicked my head to where they were slow dancing with their heads together, Somi gazing up at Evan dreamily, Evan playing with a long piece of her golden hair. Lisa looked back at me and shrugged, a wide smile breaking over her gorgeous face. I couldn't bring my attention back to Somi after that moment, as her perfect eyes trapped me.

She didn't kiss me until our third date, a romantic comedy that she protested loudly that she didn't want to see, but it being a standard dating rite of passage, I made her go, and I did notice the slight tears in her eyes at the end. She walked me to my door afterwards and politely asked if she could. I smiled at her attempt to be a modest gentleman and told her yes. She attempted a brief peck of a kiss, and I grabbed her neck and pulled her in for a kiss that left us both gasping for air. Hey, impulse control was not always my strength with Lisa, and as my sister had accurately pointed out, she is hotter than all…well, you know.

She'd meet me at school sometimes, and we'd talk over my new classes. I unfortunately had a class with Candy now, and while at first that had hurt and irritated me, now that Lisa and I were making a go of an actual relationship, I found that I didn't care one iota about her. Well, I might enjoy the flash of jealousy on her face when I gave Lisa a kiss at the door, but that was about all I felt towards her. Lisa completely ignored her.

We'd have lunch in our park frequently, as the days warmed up. She wasn't the world's greatest cook or anything, and honestly neither was I, but she'd make us sandwiches and we'd eat them under a large tree, our backs to the bark, our legs entwined, comfortable and relaxed, and feeling like we'd always been together this way.

I eventually put in my notice at my new job and got back my old shift at Pete's. Emily from the day crew had taken over for me, and she was more than willing to switch back to her old time slot. She made it sound like she just couldn't handle the drunken idiots on the packed weekend nights, but I got the impression it was just one drunken idiot that had swayed her. A drunken idiot that was still having frequent sleepovers with my sister, although they didn't seem to be too strict on the whole "monogamy" thing ,and my sister would occasionally have other houseguests, while Jackson never stopped his tales of sordid conquests, that I tried very hard to not hear. Whatever they had, it was at least a mutual arrangement.

It had been long enough, that the bar was no longer buzzing with gossip over the messy love triangle, although I did get quite a few inquisitive stares my first few days back. Most of the people seemed to believe that Lisa's and my injuries really were sustained by a group of punks robbing us, but a few people gave me appraising looks, and I wondered if they hadn't figured out the truth.

The affair, however, wasn't hidden well at all. With Taehyung leaving the Country, and me leaving the bar, added to Lisa's snappy, moody behavior while I was gone, it didn't take a genius to fill in the blanks, and most of the regulars had it figured out right away. The ones that hadn't, figured it out the night I showed up at Pete's, and Lisa and I…worked things out in the hallway. And if that wasn't clear enough, which, I think the only one who still didn't get it at that point was Jackson, Lisa kissing me every time she sauntered into the bar was a dead giveaway.

Once the stares and whispers died down, being back at Pete's was healing to me, especially listening to the band again. Lisa always sang the emotional song directly to me, and it always brought me to tears. If words could be caresses, than she was making love to me, every time she sang it. Several girls in the front of the packed crowd would swoon when she sang that one, probably picturing themselves as the object of her affection. Occasionally, some would get too "eager" with her after the show, and I'd smile as she gently pushed them back or stopped their lips from attacking her body. It did make a flash of jealousy go through me, but her heart was mine, and I didn't doubt that. How could I, after she'd branded herself?

And, oh the tattoo…I stared at it frequently. Once our relationship progressed to the stage of her taking her shirt off, it stayed there for quite awhile, and I traced the letters often, as we kissed on her couch. I told her that I could get one, of her name, but she insisted that wearing her necklace (that I never took off) was enough, and that my "virgin" skin was perfect as it was. I blushed fiercely at that, but I couldn't get over staring at what she'd done while we'd been apart. Because of her history, I'd assumed she'd found comfort in an assortment of eager girls, but she hadn't. She'd found comfort in me, in my name across her skin. I couldn't ignore the aching beauty in that.

She told me that she'd gotten it the night before we'd seen Taehyung off at the airport. She'd decided to do it the day Taehyung and Jisoo had moved all of my stuff out of her house, as a way to keep me close to her, because she always did need to be near me. I'd never have imagined that my name could be so beautiful, but there were few things in the world as wonderful to me, as that black ink swirled on her chest. Well, maybe her smile…or her hair…or her adoring eyes…or her heart…

She confessed to me one evening that she still kept in contact with Taehyung. That shook me. I sort of thought their last words had been at the airport. She told me that after that afternoon, she'd called Taehyung's parents daily. Eventually her persistence paid off and she'd gotten through to Taehyung. They didn't have much to say to each other in the beginning, but Lisa kept trying. Truly, their relationship didn't advance much, until Lisa confessed that she and I weren't a couple.

Taehyung had never straight out asked me about Lisa, and I had never volunteered, not wanting to mention such a painful topic when we were trying to be friendly with each other. He'd assumed that we'd jumped into coupledom the moment he'd left. He was shocked when Lisa had told him that that wasn't the case. And most shocking of all…he called Lisa an idiot for letting me walk away. My jaw dropped when Lisa relayed that piece of information.

When I talked to Taehyung a few days later, he confirmed it. He said that after everything that had happened, it seemed like a waste if we didn't end up together. I laughed at him and told him he was too good of a person. He agreed and laughed with me. He was happy. His job was going great, and he was already in line for a promotion. His relationship was also going strong and 'Abby' was quickly becoming more than just a casual girlfriend to him. I ached at that for a few moments, and then was immensely happy for him. He deserved it.

My own relationship was progressing wonderfully as well. Lisa actually could do the great girlfriend thing, and she seemed to delight in the fact that we were taking things painfully slow. In fact, she seemed to make a point of riling me up to the edge of bursting, and then calmly saying we needed to slow things down. The girl always was a tease. But her eyes were, more often than not, carefree and untroubled, and her grin was loose and easy.

That's not to say that everything in our relationship was smooth and untroubled. It wasn't. We did on occasion have…disagreements. They were generally started by some woman that Lisa had slept with at some point. One even knocked on her door, wearing a long coat that she left unbuttoned, revealing her skimpy underwear set that made me blush furiously. I'd been visiting before my shift when the vixen had shown up. She'd quickly ushered her out, but a tiny part of me couldn't help but wonder what she'd have done if I hadn't been there, and if half-naked women showing up on her door was a common event. I didn't doubt her love, but I'm only human, a human who frequently felt horribly plain next to her Adonis of a girlfriend, and the woman had been extremely beautiful…and extremely well endowed.

And that was only one instance. There were others. Girls she'd been with would walk up to her at the bar, or even sometimes at my school, and try to restart their "relationship". She always turned them down, assuring me that they meant nothing, and she generally didn't even remember their names (which did not make me feel any better), but the insecurities were there in me, and it hurt. Our "talks" usually brought up her insecurities as well, of me not being over Taehyung, and really wanting to be with him. Of Lisa being second place, which I repeatedly told her she was not.

We tried to reassure each other that we were in this together, and we were being faithful to each other, but, knowing that the person you're with has cheated on a loved one before lends itself to additional insecurities, even if you are the person they cheated with. And each of us had to deal with our history, of the knowledge that we'd been intimate with other people, while being in love with each other. The memories of hearing (and in that one instance with Lisa, seeing) those intimacies, were hard to overcome sometimes.

She even yelled at me once, for sleeping with Taehyung after our long passionate afternoon of being together. She'd felt betrayed by that, and she confessed how much that'd hurt, how much that had to do with her decision to leave that fateful night. She'd hidden a lot of how much it had bothered her when I was with Taehyung, and it had really affected her, after I slept with Taehyung right after our seemingly perfect day together. She was quite vocal in proclaiming her pain. But then, almost instantly, she felt bad for yelling and sunk her head in her hands. She resisted at first, but eventually she let me put my arms around her, muttering repeated apologies in her ear, while she loosed a few tears.

We'd both wounded each other so deeply. But we made a point of never letting one of us sulk in pain or anger, to talk things out, even if that meant having a two hour powwow in the parking lot at Pete's one night, after I may have tearfully, and quite inadvertently, brought up her threesome, which she countered with watching me flee the club with Taehyung, knowing exactly where our night was headed, and who was really in my mind. But we did eventually work it out, and continued to work it out.

It took some time, but we eventually found a balance between friendship, love and fire. She hugged me whenever she walked into Pete's and kissed me thoroughly after every show, which embarrassed and delighted me. She stayed close without smothering, and she gave me space without distancing.

Somi told me repeatedly that we were good together, and she'd never seen Lisa with anyone the way she was with me. I took that to heart, since she'd known he4 for awhile, bad behavior and all. She was still constantly surprised that Lisa was capable of being a one-woman person. She also stepped up her flirtations with Evan, and I was mildly surprised when I caught them full on making out in the backroom one night. Evan blushed as deeply as I had when he'd caught me, Somi however, laughed just like Lisa had laughed. Embarrassed, but smiling widely at their budding relationship, I quickly shut the door and ran to go tell Lisa the scoop. She shook her head and laughing, told me that Lucas was still having a quiet relationship with Rachel. It would seem the D-Bags were starting to settle down.

As Lisa gave me a sweet kiss, my sister, watching us at the corner of the guys table, said she was jealous of our closeness, while giving an oblivious Jackson a pointed glance that he completely ignored. I couldn't help but wonder if my sister would eventually tame that D-Bag…maybe they'd tame each other. As Jackson had his hands on some other girl's ass the next night, and my sister brought home (I swear) a Calvin Klein model, I thought, maybe not.

I didn't care, I had my person and she had me. It took an additional three months, but eventually, she did have all of me. Our first time being together as a legitimate girlfriends was coincidently a year to the day that I had seen Lisa singing at Pete's for the first time. We took our time, savoring every moment and every sensation.

She sang my song softly to me as she undressed us, her voice low and husky, and full of emotion. I fought back tears the entire time. When the part where the long instrumental section came up, and her administrations to my body got more…intense, the rest of the song was quickly forgotten, and it became very clear that six months of separation and restraint did nothing to squelch our fire. If anything, the wait had made it better…it meant more. It meant everything.

Our reconnection was intense and deeply emotional, like much of our relationship had been. She muttered things to me while we made love – how beautiful she thought I was, how much she'd missed me, how much she needed me, how empty she'd been, how much she loved me. I couldn't even speak to tell her I felt the exact same, I was too overcome by the emotion in her voice. Then she said something that tore me.

"Don't leave…I don't want to be alone." She had actual tears in her eyes as she looked down on me. "I don't want to be alone anymore." Even through the intensity of everything else I was feeling, I could sense the waves of loneliness coming off of her.

I grabbed her face, our movements never stopping. "I'm not. I won't…ever…" I kissed her fiercely to reassure her, and she twisted us so that we were still facing each other but lying sideways on the bed – still connected, still moving together, still making love to each other.

Her eyes watered to near overflowing and she closed them, her hand moving from our hips to trail up the side of my body, pulling me even closer to her, like she couldn't get near enough. "I don't want to be without you," she whispered.

"I'm right here, Lisa." I grabbed her hand and put it over my racing heart. "I'm with you…I'm right here." My eyes watered now too, and I closed them as emotion flooded me.

I kissed her again and she left her hand over my heart, almost as if she was afraid if she removed it, I suddenly wouldn't be real anymore. I moved my hand over hers, right over her tattoo and we both felt the pulsing life of each other. I opened my eyes and studied her face between tender kisses. She relaxed a bit as my kiss and heartbeat eased her ache, but she left her eyes closed.

I got lost in the moment, watching her, watching the emotion and the pleasure, and even moments of pain shift through her features. Her steady rhythm started increasing, along with her breath, and I kissed her softly as low groans she made quickened my own breath. I knew she was getting close, but I was so mesmerized by watching her, that I'd almost stopped paying attention to the amazing things going on in my body. I couldn't concentrate on anything, but the look on her face and the ache in her voice.

Just when I knew she was on the edge, she opened her eyes and cupped my cheek with the hand that had been resting on my heart. "Please," she whispered intently. "I'm so close, Jennie." She inhaled through her teeth and groaned softly. "I don't want…I don't want to do this alone." Her eyes still glistened, like any minute a heavy tear would drop, and my own eyes moistened again in response.

"I'm right here, Lisa. You're not alone…you're not alone anymore."

I stopped focusing on what I was doing to her and started focusing on what she was doing to me. That tiny mental shift was all I needed to fall right off the edge. I gripped her tight and held absolutely nothing back from her, letting her know exactly how deep in this I was with her, and she fell right off that edge with me. Then, as we both fell, our eyes locked and we simultaneously stopped breathing, stopped vocalizing, and silently experienced something deeply profound…together.

Our lips found each other's as the fire raged through each of us - hard at first, deep and intense, and then tapering off to light, barely brushing each other kisses, as the fire in us dulled to glowing embers, waiting to flare up again when the moment was right.

She readjusted our bodies, but kept us facing each other, her arms wrapped around me and holding me tight. With another soft kiss, she murmured "thank you" and I blushed horribly, but clutched her tight. She dropped her head to the crook of my neck and rocking against my skin, softly said, "I'm sorry."

I pulled back and she reluctantly lifted her head to look at me. She looked satisfied, but a little embarrassed too. "I didn't mean to…practically become a girl." She shook her head and looked down while a soft laugh escaped me, at the memory of once accusing her of being just that.

I brought a hand to her cheek and she looked back up at me. "Can I assure you, that you're not?" She smiled softly at the comment.

Her smile flipped to a small frown and she looked down again. "It's just been awhile, and there was a time when I thought we'd never be…" She shrugged as she struggled for words. "I guess I just got a little…overwhelmed by it, and I'm sorry." She looked up, and an adorably cute grimace was on her face. "I didn't mean to freak out. That was…embarrassing."

"There is nothing about you to be embarrassed about." A small devilish smile lifted her lips, and I blushed as the way she'd taken my words sunk in. With a small laugh, I ran my hand back through her hair and kissed her for a long moment. Pulling back, I ran my fingers down her cheek and with as comforting a voice as I could muster, said, "You don't have to ever feel sorry with me for that…for saying what you really feel…or fear."

I shifted us, so I was on my back and she was mostly on top of me, our legs tangling together warmly. I cupped her face in both of my hands while she smiled contently above me. "Don't ever hold anything back from me. I want to know…I want to know what you're feeling, even if you think I don't, even if you have trouble saying it." Her eyes drifted away from mine and I gently moved her head, until she looked at me again. "I love you. I'm not going anywhere."

She nodded and sank her body down to lay on top of me, her arms tucked under me, her forehead resting against my neck. I sighed and began running my fingers back through her hair repeatedly, occasionally turning to kiss her head, making her sigh and hold me tighter. And so, our first night sleeping together, in the figurative and literal sense of the word, ended with me holding and comforting her. And I found something deep and emotionally binding in that. As my fingers brushing through her hair eventually soothed her into sleep, her hold on me never slackened, and I realized that it never would. The love we felt for each other, while definitely never planned or expected, as I suppose most love isn't, had irrevocably seared us both…deeply. It wouldn't fade. It wouldn't shift to another. It probably wouldn't always be easy…but it would always be…always. And as sleep drifted over me, true peace followed right behind it.