Sorry for the big delay! Luckily, it's the last chapter so no more delay on this fic after that ^^'.
I am gonna put it here so I don't mess with the end of the fanfiction. I mentionned a one-shot that would be in the continuity of this fic in a previous chapter and I would really love to write it some day. I already have the main scenario in mind. It would be an "on-the-side" one-shot because it would be more M/M. But those last weeks, I have another scenario that came into my mind and that I already started to write a bit. It would be more dark and violent but with a happy ending. It would take place during episode S08E12 when Rick and Negan fight in the abandon building. I'll try to put the first chapter as soon as possible. Tell me what you think, if you would be interrested.
Well I wish you all a good reading for this last chapter and please tell me what you thought of it all 3 See you soon in other fics I hope :)
-"Dad... Do you resent me for it?"
Carl was there in front of him. Surely it was only a dream and surely it wasn't really Carl. But even so, he couldn't let him say those kind of things.
-"Of course not. I could never. You know how much I love you, don't you?"
And he meant it. Nothing that his boy could have done or written in his letter or Negan's would have ever changed that.
-"Then why did you... try to..."
End your own life. He didn't need to finish that sentence. Carl knew. Of course he did. It was his subconscious talking after all. But even knowing that, seeing him so worried and emotional wasn't hurting less.
-"I was lost... I thought we could be a family again. If I'd join you.
-But..., you have so much more to offer to the world.
-I know. I know that now." And he couldn't believe Negan, of all people, had had to be the one making him realize that.
-"I'm gonna make your vision come true. You'll see." It wasn't him but he needed to say it at loud. Or more likely in thoughts. "I'm gonna make you proud.
-You don't need to, dad. We are already proud of you. Mom, Judith, and me."
Rick smiled. There was something comforting in knowing that his family supported him. And he hoped with all his heart it was true. So when he opened his eyes that morning, it seemed the world's weight on his shoulder had diminished a bit. Now the changes could begin.
"-It's been a long time since I last saw you smile."
Negan, who was enjoying some fresh air from the balcony of the meeting room while the day had not begun yet, froze.
-"Lucille?" He quickly turned to the open door leading to the meeting room. There she was, his late wife, in the flesh. And human. It's been a long time since I last saw you like this too, he would have wanted to answer. But he didn't want to start the conversation on a sad note. And he actually couldn't help feeling concerned about what she had just said.
-"I didn't forget about you, you know." Somehow, he was feeling guilty. Surely he was not supposed to be this content right now. Surely it was too soon.
-"I know. And maybe you never will. But I always liked your smile. It would be a shame if no one ever witness it again."
Negan stood silent for a bit, analyzing the person he had in front of him.
-"You are not her, right? How can I know if that's what she would say? In the end, it seemed I didn't know her at all.
-If I'm not her, how answering that question is gonna help in any way?
-That's what she would have said.
-Or maybe that's what you think she would have said. I guess I shouldn't have come to you."
When Negan had read that letter all that time ago, he had gone through all the bitter vociferations he could have thrown at her in his mind. But now that Gracie was safe and that all that time had passed, he just realized regrets were all that remained.
-"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He pleaded. "I know I hurt you. Please don't go just yet."
Even if it wasn't her, he needed to get it out of his chest. That was the closest thing to a confession that he would be able to do now that Lucille was gone and he was not gonna let that chance blow away. Slowly, a smile appeared on her lips.
-"I'm happy you told me."
Negan couldn't help feeling a bit taken aback by this laconic answer.
-"Wait, that's all?
-I already knew it. I only wanted for you to finally tell me. Because I want you to move on. And that was the only way for you to actually do it.
-Are you really not her?" Negan finally asked, a hint of suspicion in his voice. Was he the one who desesperatly wanted to move on and had just summoned her somehow or had Lucille just appeared in his dream to help him with that? At that, her smile evolved in a light laugh.
-"Maybe I am. When did you start believing in an afterlife anyway?
-Weirder things have happened." And he could see Lucille's smile reaching her eyes now.
-"Oh yes, like Rick, right?" And somehow, it felt wrong. Talking about him with her. Was she aware of all his wrongdoings towards the man?
-"Don't be so embarrassed", she added. "I know he is the reason of your smile. Because you have hope now. With him on your side, you will be able to change things for the better." Negan almost felt bad that she was able to see through him that easily. Because of course she was right. She knew him better than he knew her, it seemed.
-"I resented you so much for putting me through this. I could never have forgiven you if Gracie had died. If only you had told me..."
Her smile dissapeared, replaced by a sheepish look on her face.
-"Well, a zombie apocalypse is not really something you plan, is it?
-Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I hadn't discovered it on my own. And it terrifies me. Would you really never have told me?
-I guess we will never know for sure now, will we?" Negan sighed. Did Lucille already had this annoying knack of answering with more questions? Though she didn't let him any time to push for a real answer.
-"Please take care of our little girl." She pleaded. But she stoppped almost right away, trying to explain herself better. "I mean, I know you will but... Take care of you too. I mean it."
And just with that, it seemed to Negan that she had just forgave him, wanting for him to be well and happy despite everything he had done. He was about to reply when she suddenly turned away and started walking towards the balcony door.
-"By the way, Carl would have loved to see you too. But I'm afraid he's with his father." Negan froze at the mention of the boy. She had never met him, how could she even know about him if not because she was only his subconscious? Though his question got lost when she looked at him one last time with a genuine smile and tears slowly beginning to stream from the corner of her eyes. Then she was gone as she had rushed into the building.
When Negan woke up, he had mixed emotions. He was confused about the last part but mostly relieved that he had finally been able to come clean. And he truly hoped that, despite everything, it had been real. So when he opened his eyes that morning, it seemed the world's weight on his shoulder had diminished a bit. Now the changes could begin.
The conversation with Lucille kept playing on a loop in Negan's head as he was preparing for the day. The pickup trips had been stopped for all of the communities until further notice. He was actually gonna meet with Rick today to discuss about the future arrangements that had to be made. Then meetings with the different leaders would have to be planned and held.
But for now, there was one person he wanted to see more than anyone else before his responsibilities would catch up to him. Trimming his hair one last time, he exited the room. Had Lucille also visited their daughter in her dreams? Quietly opening the door of the room thirty-six, he thought that now that Rick felt better, he could actually give him his room and himself move in his daughter's. At first, he didn't want for anyone to know that she was his family. But life was too short to lose oneself in conjectures. Shaking his head as to clear his mind, he then only realized that someone was already standing next to his daughter's crib.
-"Rick?" His face had to have shown worries or even fear as the leader of Alexandria immediatly raised his hands in surrender.
-"I'm not hurting her, I swear." Only then did he felt his heart as it had suddenly speed up, adrenaline flowing his body. He had reacted the same way as the last time they were in this room, unconsciously. But then he had an epiphany. Because he did know better now, didn't he? He had finally got his answer from the day before. He had been in danger and Rick had actually helped him, despite everything. He could have easily fled with Mark and let him to die, at the mercy of gnapping walkers' teeth but he hadn't.
-"I know. I know you won't." And the new-found conviction in his voice actually surprised him. Two weeks before, he would never have guessed he would ever trust Rick with his daughter's life. Hell, try even one week.
-"You know how it is, worrying. Well, I guess you don't have to anymore." Seeing the ex-sheriff expression change, he immediatly added, not believing his poor choice of words:
-"Fuck, I didn't mean... That was completely out of line, please forgive me."
But the surprise had gone away as fast as it had came.
-"Don't worry, I understand what you meant. You're right, my family's gone." Rick refocused his attention on the sleeping baby for a few seconds, his eyes shining with what seemed like trapped tears.
-"But I want to believe there are still people I care enough about to worry as much." He stopped a bit then added, bitter:
-"It's almost funny, knowing that I didn't think about them at all when I was in that barn with a gun on my temple."
"Don't beat yourself up about that. You were hurt. And pain…
-Can make you do crazy things.
-Did I also tell you how much I love it when you quote me?"
-You did, actually." And this made Negan smile. Rick was able to open himself up little by little in his presence and he was not gonna complain about that. But he couldn't just ignore his moroseness.
-"Never doubt that there are still people loving you, Rick. Or needing you." He paused a bit, poundering his next sentence. But he knew he was way past the embarrassment of confiding in Rick after everything he had already admitted to him.
-"I saw Lucille in my dream last night. I was finally able to tell her how I felt about everything I told you about. And I know it wasn't real but it helped me a lot." Taking a deep breath, he finished:
-"I know it's thanks to you. You have that positive effect on people around you. And what happened to your family didn't happened because of you but despite you. I want you to know that." Rick was looking at him and he hoped he could see in his eyes all the sincerity he had tried to convey.
-"Thank you, Negan." Some of the trapped tears behind Rick's eyelids were now dripping on his cheeks. Trying to lighten the mood, Negan added:
-"At the end, she also said Carl was with you. Man, that almost felt mystical. I only knew it wasn't right because she had never met him." At that, Rick had frozen and was now looking at Negan, bewildered.
-"I did see him in my dream last night." As it seemed a lump had formed in his trachea because of the emotion, he took the time to swallow and added:
-"It felt so real... Do you think it might have been them? Like, really them?" Negan was normally not a supertitious man but seeing Rick's reaction, it somehow made him want to actually believe it.
-"It felt real to me too. I thought I was the one kind of projecting my desires into my dream... But I got to admit I like your idea a lot better. Because, in a way, that means that Gracie will be able to meet her mom again one day, right? And you your family.
-I'd love that. I'd love that a lot." The two men stood quiet for a moment, enjoying the calmness and the quietness of the early morning. Gracie was still sleeping, smiling as if she was having a happy dream. But soon, Negan could see Rick's expression change a bit, almost able to see cogs in his brain turning at full speed. It seemed he had trouble going ahead with what he wanted to say but Negan didn't want to rush him. Eventually, the ex-sheriff jumped in with both feet, not able to look at Negan while speaking.
-"For what it's worth, I'm sorry. About Gracie."
Negan was so not expecting Rick's confession that he almost didn't know how to respond.
-"For what I told you about almost losing her or for you almost killing her?" He had missed "teasing him" so much he couldn't help it, though he hoped Rick wouldn't take it the wrong way. Yeah, maybe teasing wasn't the right word when he thought about what he had said and done to the man in the past.
-"Well... Both, I guess." Well, he didn't take it the wrong way but not as he had intended it to either it seemed.
-"You know, I'm not the one you should be apologizing to. When she's gonna be old enough, I will tell her what you did. And because I'm gonna raise her to be that amazing forgiving person - unlike someone I know - it's all gonna be fine." Negan would have expected some kind of reaction from the other man but he had just stood quiet, the jest lost on him. And maybe it was for the best. Because in a way, it seemed like the perfect moment for him to express his condolences as well.
-"For what it's worth, I'm sorry too. About Carl."
He had been so shaken up when he had learned. Then there had been all the events with Mark and he had had no time to really talk to Rick. Though the ex-sheriff decided not to comment that last part, he knew he had heard. And surprisingly, that's the moment Rick took to answer Negan's teasing.
-"You know, this is what I wish for you. That you will be able to raise her to the point where she will be the one taking care of you. With grand age approaching that fast, I would be worried too."
Negan was so not expecting that repartee that he let out a surprised chuckle.
-"Wow, Rick. Low blow. I'm not that old, y'know. Besides, we'll just have to raise her together then. In case something happens to me. Right, uncle Rick?" Now he was the one who could gloat internally, the shock on Rick's face was fucking priceless.
-"Wait, are you asking me to be her godfather or something?
-What if I am?
-I don't know... Don't you think it would bring her bad luck?"
Negan had first though Rick just didn't want to be associated with Gracie since she was his daughter and all but it seemed he was actually already thinking about her well-being.
-"What did I just tell you, Rick? Despite you, not because of you. Gracie would certainly be very lucky to have us both to protect her."
At that comment, Rick turned his face away. Was it embarrassement? Did he just feel emotional and wanted to hide it? Negan would have liked to say it was okay and that he didn't have to conceal his feelings in front of him.
-"Were you able to talk to Mark since we got back?"
But there went the not-so-subtle change of subject. Well, he could let it pass, just for this once. But he would certainly bring that back, that was for sure.
-"Actually, yeah. We had an honest heart-to-heart talk. And he told me about the Roy guy from the letter. He's actually also the guy who spread his secret across town.
-I knew you weren't asleep.
-What can I say, I can't resist gossips, especially when they're about me. But can you believe that Mark and that piece of shit used to be friends? I don't know what he looks like but if I ever do and I see him...
-We are gonna change our ways. You can't think like that anymore.
-So what do you think we should do if we ever come across him? Not all communities are aiming at being peaceful like Alexandria, the Hilltop, the Kingdom or Oceanside. They just had the chance to know you to guide them.
-I am only the leader of Alexandria though. Or was..." Negan ignored that last part, not wanting to acknowledge the other man's doubts. Of course he was still their leader.
-"Yes. And as a leader, you were able to convince them. But there will always be people like this Roy dude to contest any chance at peace. If he's willing to let his own people die, what do you think is gonna happen to strangers?
-It seemed I was able to convince you too in the end.
-Well…" Negan started, Harlan's brother appearing in his mind. He has almost answered that he himself had never been that far. But who was he kidding? "I am indeed a work in project… But you know what I mean.
-Yeah, yeah I know...
First it was a flash of the Claimers that popped into his mind. The way that guy had threatened to have his son and Michonne raped in front of him. How he had had to rip his throat apart to protect them. Then Gareth from the Terminus who claimed to protect his people by killing anyone that wouldn't submit to their way of slaughtering people only to eat them afterwards. So yeah, he knew. Of course he knew. They certainly wouldn't be the last to put their new found peace in jeopardy. But he also had the sentiment that now, they were going to be stronger than ever. That nothing would ever be able to stand in their way. It was still strange, thinking of Negan as someone who was now in his side. Some parts of him were still looking for signs, for details or slighly off behaviors that could indicate that it had all been a lie. That Negan was gonna come back to his old self - or more like his true self - at any moment. But for now, the man had not given him any reason to reconsider his stand on this whole unexpected turn of events. They sure had come a long way.
-"You used to be such a badass..."
Rick shuddered, opening his eyes wider. Had Negan just been able to read his mind and see all the horrors he had committed? In the name of survival but bloody works nevertheless.
-"I know I am to blame for putting a damper on that part of you. And I don't say I approuved on your methods. But I know why you did it. Ultimately, you were trying to protect your family and your people. I guess, what I'm trying to say is, you can never lose sight of those why." Joe from the Claimers, Gareth from the Terminus, the Governor..., they all appeared on Rick's mind, followed by all the people he had meant to protect from them.
"-Don't worry." Rick started, a new spark of determination in his eyes. "If it ever comes to that again, I'll be there."
To say that Negan looked surprised was an understatement. Though it didn't take long for his feature to change. Was it… pride he could see in his eyes?
-"Well, damn. Welcome back, sheriff." And it was almost weird to see Negan look so happy right now, after all the trouble he had, trying to erase every trace of rebellion from his behavior. And here he was, genuinely happy that he was going back in the saddle.
Rick had said it himself, there were still persons he cared about. And it was his responsibility, as the leader of Alexandria, to protect them all. With confidence, he put his hand forward.
-"For Carl. And for all the communities."
Smiling, Negan took his hand in his and shook it.
-"For Carl. For all the communities. And for a better future."