And fight he did.
That little raccoon was the toughest little fighter that I'd ever taken care of. Day by day he got stronger and stronger. His trust for me grew and soon he joined the others in their excitement when they saw me. He hardly ever had a bad day except when he had lessons or check ups with Sire. He was tough on him and expected so much out of him. But all P13 ever wanted was to please him so he worked hard. It broke my heart because I knew from experience that pleasing Sire was far few in between. So I made sure I took extra time with him, whether it was in a group session in the cage or sometimes we'd take a detour or the longer way back.
It's in those moments that I got to see his personality shine and though I knew I was not supposed to get attached, I could not help it. He was a completely different being around me than he was Sire. He was so smart and spoke so clear around me but with Sire, he'd second guess himself, overthink, and stutter. He was nervous and you could tell. But with me he relaxed and when it came to learning, his brain was brilliant and soaked knowledge in like a sponge. I wasn't the only one who took notice though…
More than once I caught Sire or the other recorders watching us closely. It creeped me out but I pretended that I didn't notice. Until this morning.
I felt a strong presence behind me and turned around to face Sire himself.
"Greetings, 214." He greeted.
"Sire." I answered a bit startled with a slight bow of my head. He usually did not come to me unless it was really important or I myself was due for testing. I quickly put away what I was doing and faced him.
"I am here to inquire the progress of subject 89P13." He states stoically.
I look at him slightly confused but nod. "Everything is going well. He is healing up nicely and his brain functioning is great. Very active, playful-"
"And have you started any fundamental teachings?" he cuts me off.
"Yes, sir. Simple words for right now. His vocabulary is elementary but growing. He picks things up very quickly." I answer.
"Excellent. Prep him for surgery this afternoon." He says curtly.
"Surgery? Another one?" I can't help but ask.
"Yes," he replies, giving me a dirty look. "For adjustments, enhancements. Not that it's any of your concern."
"Right. Sorry." I apologize meekly.
"I will require that you stay during this procedure." He continues. "Your expertise may be needed and at the very least, your presence seems to calm most animals during their procedures making it easier to do what it is needed."
It should be a compliment but I grit my teeth. I hated sitting in on procedures. They were needless, sloppy, and horribly painful for animals. I was hardly allowed to share my wisdom and expertise and learned very quickly that there were consequences when you speak without being spoken too.
"…be prepared for tomorrow. We will be conducting several tests and it will likely last all day. I will send out the agenda tonight and expect you to be ready first thing in the morning."
"Yes, Sire." I nod.
"Good." He says shortly then looks as if he remembers something. "You are due for your next procedure as well. We will schedule that soon."
I try not to look fearful but it's hard not to question or tremble. "Yes, Sire." I choke out.
He tucks a hair behind my ear and I freeze. "So obedient." He says softly, an evil glint in his eye. "You've come a long way, 214."
I shudder under his touch. "Thank you, Sire." I whisper.
As soon as it came, it was gone. He was gone. And I was left alone, shaking in the office. "Get yourself together, 214." I chastised myself. There was no room, no time to cry. Pull yourself together and do your job.
I looked at the clock then went back to the animal room, trying to mentally prepare myself along the way. Block it out, I said over and over to myself. Just do your job and you'll be alright. But I wasn't alright. As soon as I got to the animal room, I was fighting back tears furiously as I listened to the happy chattering. From down the hall, I heard the playful laughs and giggles of L06, Q12, and P13.
I stood and listened for a moment, letting them have their fun. From what I could see, they were chasing each other and playing tag. I would never understand. Why? Why create something to live in such horror? Push it down, 214. It's out of your hands.
Reluctantly, I plaster a fake smile on my face and walk over to the joyful group. Q12 is the first one to notice me. She smiles and runs over the bars. "Hi, friend!" she exclaims, bouncing in place.
I couldn't help but smile back. "Hello, sweet girl." I greet her fondly and pat her on the head.
The others follow suit and gather to the edge of their cages to say 'hello'. "Hello, my friends. Tell me about your day." I greet the rest of the group.
My chest tightens as I see an excited P13 who greets me with a gentle purr and head rub against my hand through the bars. I ignore the sinking feeling as I sit on the ground cross legged and listen to how they've been keeping themselves busy. A95 tells me about the games they've played and what he was thinking about. Q12 talks about the dream she had last night which was beautiful and fun to listen too.
When I turn to P13, he smiles brightly and points to L06. "We's learn colors." He says excitedly.
"Oh, you've been practicing your colors?" I repeat as I look to L06 who spins in a circle.
"Yes! Colors! Colors!" She says happily. "P13 brown and black!"
"That's right!" I say proudly then look to P13. "What color is L06?"
He points to her eyes. "Eyes, red. Um, this-" he points to her fur. "white."
"Very good, P13." I applaud him then point to L06's fur. "This is called fur. And her fur, is 'soft'. Feel it." I encourage him as I scratch L06 behind her ears.
P13 gently pets L06 with a smile then looks back at me. "Soft." He repeats.
"Who else do you think is 'soft'?" I ask.
P13 thinks for a moment then points to Q12. "That's right. Her fur is soft." I affirm as I pet her back softly then point to her arm. "This is hard. Metal."
"Hard. Metal." He repeats then brightens as he points to a metal tool protruding through the skin on his chest. "Metal?"
My runs dry as I clear my throat. "T-that's right. Yes." I choke out.
"What for?" he asks curiously, taking me by surprise.
I briefly glance at the others. Q12's face falls a bit. I ignore the guilty feeling and smile instead. "It's…to make you strong." I say with a little too much excitement.
"Strong?" he repeats curiously.
"Yes." I choke down the lie bitterly.
He looks around to Q12, A95, and L06. "Thems very strong." He says.
My heart constricts as I look at the rest of batch 89. My eyes water furiously, feeling anger boil at the real reason for their 'strength'. "So strong." I whisper as I catch Q12 and A95's sad eyes. "So very, very strong."
They give me sad smiles and I swipe quickly at my tearing up eyes. I feel a gentle paw on my knee. "Sad?" P13 asks concerned.
I swallow the tears logged in my throat and shake my head. "Proud." I correct gently as I smile at them. P13's ears perk up and his tail twitches with a soft giggle.
The alarm on my watch goes off, reminding me what I was originally there for. I take a deep, shaky breath then turn my attention to P13. "My friend, I need you to come with me. We have a very big day." I say calmly.
He gives me a curious but happy look. "Okay." He says innocently.
Q12 looks at me with a pained expression and I meet her knowing gaze with a slight shake of my head. She sighs heavily then distracts L06 and A95 as I open the cage and offer my hand to P13. He takes it gently then smiles at me as we make our way down the hall.
"Where we go?" he asks curiously.
I hesitate before answering. "We are going to meet Sire. You have a small procedure today." I answer shortly.
As I feared, he stopped suddenly. I look down and his ears are back, fear in his little eyes. "Pro-procedure?" he stutters.
"Yes," I swallow hard. He knew very well what the word meant. "But it's okay. It's to help you. Just some adjustments. Nothing to be afraid."
He still looked scared and deep down I believe he knew I wasn't telling the truth. "Scared." He confesses out loud. "Don't like it."
I kneel down in front him and stroke the fur behind his ears. "I know. But I promise you; I'm not going anywhere. I'll be with you the entire time. And you…you're gonna be okay." I put a hand on each side of his face. "Don't let them break you."
P13 looks at me, letting the words sink in. After a while he finally nods. "Okay. You stay?"
I offer a small smile. "Every step." I promise then place a gentle kiss on his forehead.
Wordlessly, he lifts his arms to me and my heart drops. I swallow my tears then pick him and he buries his face into my shoulder. I hold him close as I hum softly and make my way slowly down the hall. I thought about how many times I'd done this with other animals. Some fought. Some accepted it. Some didn't know at all. And through all of them, I kept myself numb and did what I was ordered to do. But this time…this time I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders and everything in me wanted to run with that little raccoon and escape these walls.
But I didn't. I couldn't. And none of my reasons why seemed good enough.
I come out of my thoughts when I reach the lab room where Vim and Theel were waiting on me. I felt P13 cling to me freeze upon seeing them but he didn't fight. Theel started barking orders but I barely heard them. I kept eye contact with P13 the entire time as I strapped him in and hooked him to different machines. His breathing picked up and I could tell he was scared but he remained calm. I stayed by his side until Sire walked in.
"Everything ready?" he asks.
"Yes, Sire." We echo each other.
"Good. We'll take it from here. 214, be on standby." He instructs.
"Yes, sir." I whisper.
And that was the beginning of a long and cruel, cruel surgery. One that I will never forget for the rest of my life. It was bad from the beginning as they hardly sedated him so it made it a hundred more times painful and excruciating. His cries were ones that I knew I would have nightmares from. I began cry and didn't realize it until Sire snatched me up by the elbow.
"Get over there and hold him still!" he yelled at me then pushed me over to where they were working.
They were in the middle of opening and inserting different metal pieces. Theel was yelling at him to quit squirming which made P13 more frantic. I was instantly at his side and grabbed his tiny paw. His eyes pleaded for help but there was nothing that I could do. "Hey, hey, shhhh. You're alright, P13. Shhh." I said over the loud noises. He was trembling and his heartbeat was frantic.
"Hold it still!" Vim yelled at me as she continued to dig deeper.
He let out another cry and that's when my anger snapped. "You're hurting him, jackass!" I scream furious, catching everyone off guard.
"That is enough, 214!" Sire scolds me.
I knew I'd be punished but I had to speak up. "Sire, he's not sedated and he is in extreme. The only way you can do this procedure successfully without killing him is to sedate him."
"I said, 'that is enough!'" he yells again.
I jab a finger in the direction of the monitors. "His vitals are way too high and you are working next to vital organs. If he flinches even just a hair it will kill him and then all of your work will have gone down the toilet."
He grabs my arm painfully. "What did I say about unsolicited advice?! Huh?!"
I start to speak but the monitors start blinking and alarming behind me. My fears came true as P13 coded and his breathing had stopped. "No." I breathed.
Sire growled and slammed his first on the took table. "Fix it!" He screams at me and the others.
I don't hesitate as I take the lead and begin working to save P13's life. Vim and Theel reluctantly help me as I work my way through, fixing the botch job mess they'd created. I sent one more shot of medicine through the IV then pressed firmly in his chest. For a second, I thought he was gone but at last he gasped for air. I let out a huge breath of relief and forced myself not to cry, to focus on the task before me. As I finish the immediate work, I back up and look at Sire.
He glares at me as he comes closer to examine my work. "Your finished here, 214. Back to your corner." He orders, making me flinch.
I do as I'm told and cower away from his gaze. I could tell that he was infuriated with me and I'd most likely pay for it later. But P13 had survived and that's all that mattered to me.
"Stitch it up and get it out of my sight!" Sire barks at us then stomps out of the room.
While Vim and Theel stitch up P13, I sneak a couple of doses of medicine. He was going to need it. He was already beginning to wake up and was in pain. Once they got him unhooked, Theel pick him up by the scruff of his neck and shoved him into my arms. "Move it!" He orders as he and Vim follow me back to the cages. I resist the urge to punch the hell out of him but right now was not the time to cause a war. I was already on thin ice.
Once we arrived at the cages, the other experiments cowered in the corner as they saw Theel approach. He watches as I swipe the key and open the cage then gently place P13 on a softest area of bedding. He groans painfully but doesn't fully wake up. I'd have to work more once Theel and Vim weren't around.
"That was a very stupid stunt you pulled, 214." Vim says as I close the cage. "Your consequences will most likely be severe."
Theel pipes in. "You should've known your place-"
"Of course I know my place." I snap, cutting him off angrily. "You remind me everyday."
"214!" I jump as I see Sire at the end of the hall. "Come here now."
I felt like a dog walking towards him with my tail between my legs. I didn't look up until I was standing in front of him.
"It seems as though every time I give you an inch, you take a mile." He says in a low, angry voice.
Right as I looked up to speak, his hand hit me hard across my face then grabbed me by the throat. "How many times must I remind you of your place?!" he slaps again, the sound echoing through the room.
"I'm sorry." I choke out but he tightens his hold.
"You are no greater than the rats in those cages!" he yells as he throws me against a wall. "A rat does not order it's master, you know that, 214!"
"Yes, Sire. I'm s-"
"You are a disposable, useless creature that I keep around to clean filthy stalls. Nothing more. Understood?!" he yells.
"Yes." I cry, desperately needing air.
"One more slip up and you will be joining your friends in those cages. Do you understand me?!"
"Yes, Sire." I say trembling.
He then throws me to the ground and kicks me multiple times in the stomach. I heard the sickening sound of bones crunching. I shield myself the best I could but it still was painful and I was barely conscious by the time he stopped. I laid there shaking for several minutes. The only reason I was able to force myself to get up was remembering that P13 needed me.
I hobble over to the supply closet and take out a few vials, gauze, syringes, and my old jacket that I'd had since I was a little girl. When I get to P13's cage, Q12, A95, and L06 are all staring at me with concerned eyes.
"214, are you okay?" A95 asks gently.
I don't make eye contact as I shake my head, "no."
Q12 gasps as she comes closer. "Oh friend…"
"Lips, eyes, side red…purple." L06 observes concerned as she comes closer to me. "Friend hurt."
I say nothing in response as I unlock her cage and take out P13. My eyes water profusely as I clean up the damage left behind from his surgery. He flinches several times and whimpers as I delicately tend to his wounds and shift some of the pieces that are causing pain. When I'm done, I give him a dose of pain and sleep medicine then carefully put him back in his cage. L06 comes over and positions herself under P13's head.
"Me soft. P13 sleep. Rest." She says softly.
I offer a sad smile then pet behind her ears. "Sweet girl." I whisper hoarsely.
"L06 would make a nice pillow." A95 chimes in lightly.
I try to laugh but am instantly reminded of the pain in my ribs. I slowly stand up which takes all of my strength not to pass out. I wrap my ribs securely and can't help but yelp at the pain. I start to get dizzy and woozy so I sit against the cages and close my eyes.
"I can't do this anymore." I whisper brokenly.
I feel the cold metal of Q12's hand reach through the bars and grab my arm. "It's okay, friend. You don't have to be strong right now." She says in warm, comforting voice.
A simple statement that released the floodgates that I'd been holding back. I curled up next to the cage as close as I could and I felt the soft, warm fur of Q12 lean back. I'd open their cage but I was afraid of being caught and causing even more trouble for us all. But even in my lowest moment, I felt comforted in knowing that I wasn't alone and somehow that made the physical pain barrable.
"214? May I ask what happened? Why was Sire so angry?" Q12 asks after some time passes.
I sigh tiredly. "The surgery…it was too much. We almost lost him. I forgot who I was and who I was speaking too. I overstepped my bounds. Again."
"I don't think you forgot who you were. I think you were walking in who you are." I glance up at Q12. "You're a defender, a loyal friend. If we didn't have you fighting for us, who would? Look," she nods towards P13, who is sleeping sounding with L06. "he's alive because of you. He's a special one, I can feel it. So don't give up. You never know who you're saving. Who they're going to be." she reaches through the bars to me, a soft smile on her face. "Keep fighting."
Her words gave me courage and I didn't know it then but something in me knew she was right. And as I looked at the sleeping raccoon in the next cage over I couldn't but wonder; 'Who are you? Who are you really? What were we fighting for?'