A/N: I'm sorry for taking a while to update again, I've been engraved in catching up on a few books. Thank you all, who are here again enjoying this story. Next chapter will be divided into two parts as I want to include both Emma and Regina's POV on it with a lot of more extra scenes not included in the 3rd. person version. I really enjoyed writing jealous Regina, so I hope you all love it. :) Happy reading!
Also, I'd like to point out to anyone reading this or any of my other stories, there have been a few people asking for my permission if they could translate my work into other languages to use in other fandoms. I kindly ask that you do NOT request this from me. My answer will always be NO. Even if I am credited, please respect that my stories are specifically for the SwanQueen ship and the OUAT fandom, and I'd love for them to remain as is. This story in particular is strictly off limits to use as your own due to my plans in turning it into a future novel. Thank you kindly.
Chapter 26: Regina
Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! I consider pulling over a cab driver that drives by, but I don't. Instead I pace back and forth along the parking lot. Tears blurring my vision that I quickly wipe away. I rake my hands along my hair, almost tempted to pull at it as I silently curse at myself. Why did I have to do that? Why did I have to lose myself in a moment of weakness that was nothing more than that?
I tried fighting it. As God as my witness, I tried. But, Emma had been so sweet and so inviting that I couldn't help myself. Shit… I never curse, not around anyone. But my level of panic was off the charts. I couldn't understand myself around Emma. How could I have allowed myself to kiss her like that? And what's even more confusing to me, was that in the moment our lips touched, eventually, Emma kissed me back. Emma kissed me back!
I scoff, shaking my head and cursing at myself again as I wondered what on earth would happen between us now? Would she still want to be friends? Would she avoid me, come tomorrow morning and never look at me again? No, I shake my head. No, that couldn't happen. Although, now that I think about it, that would probably be for the best. But how could I make my heart understand it if it did happen? Especially when it already ached to the point of giving out.
I freeze as before me, I see Emma standing before me, car keys in hand. I look into her eyes and my eyes threaten to burst tears that sting at my eyes. My vision blurs once again, leading me to turn and walk toward the passenger side of Emma's car. My hand rests along the handle, and I turn to Emma as I wait.
Emma's keys jingle in her hand as she walks toward me to place the key along the lock of the passenger side door, and pulls it open. Without so much as looking her way, I climb in voluntarily and Emma is quick to shut the door as I buckle up. Once Emma is moving around the car to reach the driver's side door, I look out the window and allow a single tear to roam past my cheek. I wipe it away with the back of my hand as I can feel Emma's eyes burn a hole in the back of my head. I am thankful however, once I hear her keys jingle again and the car engine starts up.
Emma and I don't talk about what happened. Frankly, I don't think either of us knew how things spiraled out of control, but it was better this way. I didn't wish to talk about what happened or about the fact that Emma had in fact kissed me back. Why did she have to kiss me back? My eyes close as the tip of my nails softly rake across my bottom lip.
What I did had been a stupid, reckless and dangerous mistake. One that would never repeat itself.
Suppose Leopold finds out about what happened- God, no, I shake my head. Never mind what he would do to me if he ever found out about this, but what would happen to Emma? What would Audrey say if she ever found out about this? My daughter; who loved Emma with all of her heart.
Audrey… I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. My eyes close once again, and I clutch my fist along my heart. My head leans against the seat as I lose myself in my thoughts for the remainder of our drive. And as my eyes close, all I can see, reliving it all over again is that forbidden kiss, burning away at my lips.
Emma pulls into the driveway until her vehicle comes to a complete stop. I hear the engine turn off, followed by another jingle that could only be Emma's keys. It's quiet, and somehow I know that Emma is looking at me. But I can't face her. I just couldn't do it. Instead, my fingers wrap along the door handle from inside the vehicle and I push through the door. Only I can't push through the door to exit, because at the moment I pull on the handle and try to open the passenger door, the damn thing finds it necessary to jam. I pull and push again, and again, and again growing increasingly frustrated by the minute as I begin to groan, determined to get this damn door to open.
I hear a loud creak behind me, resulting in me to halt. I can hear Emma's faint footsteps move along the car, until the sight of her blue jacket appears next to my window. The door to the passenger side opens, and Emma is towering over me, but I don't dare look up at her. Instead, I make my way out of her vehicle, and march toward the house.
"Regina, don't you think we should talk about what happened?"
The sudden sound of Emma's sweet voice made me stop. It made my heart ache all the more as it too stopped. My eyes close as I feel an ache in my throat that I immediately swallow down. Talk? Talk about what? The last thing I wanted to do was talk.
"We have nothing to discuss, Ms. Swan. Have a good night." I reply and quickly continue the pathway up toward the house.
I hear a car door slam, but I don't stop because I know it's Emma. But what I don't expect is hearing her footsteps racing behind me so fast, that in the blink of an eye, she is standing before me, just as I am about to reach for one of the two front doors. My eyes are wide as they look into hers.
"I don't believe that." Said Emma, her eyes locking intensely into mine that it becomes hard to avoid looking into them.
What the hell was she doing? Why was she doing this? I could see a change in Emma's eyes, but I didn't want to read too much into it. I couldn't. Because that would be dangerous. It was my stupid mistake for having kissed her, for allowing my feelings to get in the way of what Emma meant to be a simple dinner between friends. I had to steer her away from something that was my doing alone.
"Well, then believe what you want." I say as sternly as possible. "Because what happened tonight," but of course the lump in my throat wants to betray me, but I quickly bounce back. "It's best to forget it."
"Forget it?" Emma's eyes look sternly my way, her voice is low.
"That's right. Just move on, and pretend it didn't happen." As I reach for the doorknob, my eyes are wide once again as Emma's hand lands on mine to prevent me from stepping inside the house.
"Regina, you kissed me-"
"Shh!" My finger presses up against my lips and I look around in panic, as if Leopold or Audrey would be able to hear all about my stupidity from miles away. "Keep your voice down," I whisper.
"No one is here but us." Emma's voice is firm and a little too defiant that it startles me. Why did she want to talk about this so badly? Why couldn't she just let it go?
I honestly don't know what pained my heart more. The fact that when I kissed her, Emma kissed me back, or Emma's own persistence; making me believe that there could possibly be some mutual feeling along her end. But that would be ridiculous. Why would a kiss be able to make that possible for me? This wasn't some fairy tale, I remind myself again. Emma wasn't some damsel in distress waiting for true love's kiss or needed to be awake by true love's kiss like Sleeping Beauty or Snow White.
"Emma." I close my eyes and pray right then and there. I pray to every God up above that Emma would just please let this go. "Emma." Saying her name out loud even ached, but I had to look deeply into her eyes- no matter my pain- and remind her of the main reason as to why we should move on. "Audrey is coming home tomorrow. When she called me, she called to inform me that the trip had been cut short. Knowing her, she is expecting to come back home to her girlfriend who loves her. That's you. Therefore, I am imploring you to please just think of what happened as a- a mistake."
The sudden quizzical pain that lingered in Emma's eyes was almost enough to break me, proving that saying what I said would be harder than I thought it would. Of course it would be hard. Because I would never be able to forget about that kiss. It had been so spontaneous and so unforgettable. It hurt. My lips were feeling the withdrawal of Emma's lips against mine just by that one, it was quite frightening.
But no matter what, no matter how much it pained me or how much I wanted to throw myself into Emma's arms to soothe this ache that I was beginning to feel, I needed to remain strong.
"It was a mistake on my part, one I should have never allowed myself to make, and I am truly sorry about that." I said, trying to sound as convincing as possible. No matter how I felt for Emma, Emma didn't owe me anything. We didn't have to talk about this.
"But, you have nothing to apologize for, Regina-" Emma shakes her head and mixes a sound that's between a scoff and a chuckle. "Regina, I-"
As I feel Emma take a step forward, I take a step back. "Good night, Emma." With my morals dragging through the ground, I push my way through the front door and the last thing I can see before shutting it, is Emma standing outside with a frown to her.
I pressed my head along the door, feeling it catch me as all I wanted to do in that moment was shatter to the floor. I release a huff of air and shake my head to prevent my eyes from falling victims to tears that threatened to bloom. How could I have been so stupid? I shake my head again. As much as Leopold should worry me at this moment, he didn't. What worried me was Audrey. How would I be able to look Audrey in the eye tomorrow and pretend like I didn't just kiss the one person she loves the most in this world?
I decided that whatever happened from here on out, would be on me. Because it was all my fault.
"Ma'am?" I gasp and whirl around, parting away from the door to find Sidney standing there, looking at me quizzically.
"Sidney," I breathed out in a huff, my hand landing along my rapidly breathing chest. "You scared me."
"Apologies." He gives me a nod. "Ms. Audrey called. Said she's unexpectedly coming home tomorrow."
"Yes, I- I spoke to her. Thank you." And lied to her. I give a nod, and straighten myself over before asking, "How long have you been standing there?"
The last thing I needed was to make Sidney a part of my stupid mistake.
"I just got here, madam." His brow furrows. "Is everything alright? You look pale. Where's Ms. Emma?" His eyes look beyond the door, as if he could see right through it.
"Fine. Fine, she's," I groan at an upcoming headache that makes its presence known right along my temple. "Outside, she's outside."
"How was dinner?" Sidney wondered.
"Fine." I blink.
Awkwardness and tension seemed to be the pinpoint of this evening. And the one lingering between Sidney and I felt eternal. I wondered for a moment, if he knew what an idiot I had been tonight. Not wanting to find out the answer, I cleared my throat and willed myself to move.
"I'm going to call it a night. Good night, Sidney." I gave him a curt nod before heading up the stairs.
"Have a good night, ma'am." I hear his voice behind me.
Quickly, I whirl around and find Sidney looking at me quizzically as I march back down mid-step. "Belle's book-" I motion toward the library, chuckle and tuck a strand of hair behind my ear.
I have no idea where Emma is. Was she still outside? Did she come back inside the house and finds herself in Audrey's bedroom? It was better this way. The not knowing. I attempted to distract myself in continuing Belle's book, but all that does is remind me all the more of my erotic dream with Emma. Of Emma herself. How stupid I had been to kiss her, yet it frightened me how in the spur of the moment, Emma had kissed me back.
I was thinking with my dick. And now… Well, I hope I was thinking with my head and following my heart. During the drive home, I contemplated what to do. Should I tell her that I love her? Should I not? She's given me no indication of how she feels about me, but then she's reticent about most things.
She's here with me.
That means something, surely?
As I read those lines in Maxim's own words, my mind travels back in time to hours earlier when the feeling burning inside of me turned daring enough for me to press my lips against Emma's. I kissed her. And I could still feel my lips burn because of my daring act. Emma's lips were softer than I had ever imagined they would be. "Oh, for goodness sake!" I toss the book across the room, hearing it land on the bed as I begin to pace harder. My anger and frustration building up inside of me once again as I shake my head. "You know what?" I speak out loud, hoping my heart, and those damn butterflies along my stomach can hear me loud and clear. "You shouldn't tell her how you feel, because you don't even know if she feels the same about you."
I breathe hard, fighting back tears of my own as I shut my eyes tight, so tight it hurts my face muscles. I rub away at my temple with my forefinger and middle finger, pressed together. Once I open my eyes, their sight lands on the book that is neglected along the bed and I feel an uncontrollable ping of jealousy. Imagine that! Jealousy! Over two fictional characters that exist only in the pages of a novel that came from its author's mind.
I was jealous because Alessia and Maxim's feelings for one another were clear, just like my feelings for Emma were clear and had been stripped bare right in front of her when I kissed her. But Emma's feelings? They didn't exist. She had no feelings for me because her feelings belonged to Audrey. As it should be. I mean, it's ridiculous, isn't it? Imagine Emma, who is twenty-four years old falling in love with me, a forty-year old. It couldn't happen. No matter how much I wanted it.
Could Emma fall in love with me? I scoff and pace along the room quicker. "Don't be ridiculous!" I hiss at myself, at my heart and at the butterflies dancing along the inside of my stomach that rattle to the absurd idea of Emma's feelings one day corresponding to my own.
The tip of my nails brush along my lower lip. I can still feel just how soft Emma's lips felt as I kissed them. My memory swims with the sensation that kiss brought along with it as Emma moved her lips against mine for that short moment. Would she have continued to kiss me had I not pulled away? My heart stirs inside my chest and it aches. My eyes close as a single tear rolls down my cheek that I am quick to wipe away.
I walk toward my vanity, pull out the drawer and reach for the jewelry box. As I open it, I reach for the flower, which is now dried up but still intact. I look at it and smile at the written note I continue to store it in. I was in way over my head with Emma and it needed to stop. Problem was I wasn't sure how to stop anymore.
I place the flower back within the folded note and place it back inside the jewelry box before placing the box back into the drawer of my vanity. Once closed, I walk over to my bed and nestle inside the covers, reaching for Belle's book. I continue to read for a moment throughout the night, trying to occupy my mind. But of course, I can't. As I read, all I can think about is Emma. I allow my mind to escape to Maxim and Alessia's world, and have it become mine and Emma's. And once I finally surrender to sleep that night, I dream of Emma.
"Good morning, ma'am." Sidney greets me as I sit at my usual spot at the table in the dining room.
"Good morning, Sidney." I look around. "Where's Emma?" I ask.
"Upstairs in the shower. She went for an early morning run. She said she needed to clear her head." Sidney informs me.
I still needed to clear mine. I begin serving myself breakfast. It was a good thing Emma was still in the shower. I could use the peace and quiet for a moment.
"Enjoy breakfast, ma'am." Sidney smiles at me and turns to leave.
"Thank you, Sidney." I smile even if his back is to me now. I look up again, sensing a presence in the room, and see Emma entering. Our eyes lock, and my heart beats a little faster. I've come to learn that Emma always looks her best. But freshly out of the shower; Emma carries with her a special kind of glow that I couldn't even begin to describe. It just takes your very breath away.
She's cautious as she enters further into the dining room and proceeds to join me along the table.
"Good morning," Emma cleared her throat before greeting me.
"Good morning, Ms. Swan." I give her a curt nod and take a sip of my coffee right after.
"So, we're back to you calling me 'Ms. Swan'?" Emma's eyes never leave me as they look right through mine. I wish she would stop looking at me like that. It always spiraled my heart out of control and I felt the urge to kiss her again.
I sigh as my shoulders slump, "I'm sorry," I murmur. I was sorry. In my attempt to fight over this tension that surrounded us, I attempted to keep things curt between us, when really, our friendship shouldn't have to change just because of my idiotic mistake. I could still remain friends with Emma, as painful as the idea might feel.
I watch her quietly, serving herself some breakfast, helping herself to some coffee after. I look away as soon as her eyes are on me again, but find myself looking right back. I didn't want this. These were my feelings to carry, but I shouldn't punish Emma like this. I could still talk to her, and attempt to keep the peace between us. After all, it wasn't like a kiss between us was going to happen again. It was a mistake that would never be repeated.
"Look, Emma-"
"Regina-"
We both spoke at the same time and I am relieved when we chuckle with one another like a good pair of friends. I feel some of the tension that's built up around us dissipate for that moment. It makes me smile a little that we can still find a moment's peace after last night.
"I'm sorry." We say in unison again.
"You go first," Emma nods, her fork dancing along her scrambled eggs which remain untouched.
"I'm sorry about last night." I was sorry for bringing my feelings up to surface to Emma. I was sorry that I had betrayed our friendship that way, which I've come to learn means the world to me- and I'm sorry for betraying my daughter's trust in me. But, what I would never be sorry for, as wrong of me as it is, was daring to kiss Emma.
Emma shook her head, "Don't-" Her voice trails off and she chuckles. "We apologize a lot, don't we?" She asked.
The corners of my lips tilt upward as I chuckle along, feeling more of the tension vanish around us. "We do." I nod in agreement.
Emma's fork continues to softly scrape along the plate and her eggs before her eyes meet with mine from across the table again. "Listen, Regina…" I prepare myself as if knowing what she's going to talk about next. "That kiss-" I was right.
"I want to make one thing clear." I speak firmly, clearly and my eyes look right through Emma's. "It… Never happened." Except it did, but as painful as it was every time I tried pushing it out of my mind, it had to be done.
"Do you really want to believe that?" Emma's eyes never leave mine. I realized that it pained me to look into Emma's eyes a lot more than trying to deny myself of the memory of that kiss. Her body leaned a little further into the table, her voice low. "Regina, you kissed me."
"Shh," I look around in panic for any signs of Sidney nearby before I turn back to Emma.
If Sidney would know what happened between Emma and I, I don't fear him exposing me to Leopold. He would never dare to do such a thing. But, kissing Emma is another secret I would take to my grave, and hopefully Emma realized that it was better that way.
"You can't just go on pretending that it didn't happen." Said Emma. Her persistence in my stolen kiss frightened me. Why was she so adamant to talk about it? Why did it matter when she loved Audrey?
But if Emma was determined, so was I. "I can." I nod, putting on my best poker face. "I can, because my daughter's feelings are at stake. Because I am- like it or not- a married woman, and that is how the story goes."
The look in Emma's face, in her eyes pains me. Something about her eyes is different. "Do you really believe that?" She asks.
I lift my left hand up, flashing my wedding ring directly at her.
"I don't mean-" Emma's voice dies, and I can see her firm jaw clench in what I can only decipher as anger.
"Emma-" My voice is firm once again. "What happened last night, it was a-"
"Don't say it was a mistake." Emma quickly interjects, taking me by surprise. Her eyes angrily glare into mine and I have to wonder: Did she wish for the kiss to happen? My heart jumps at the thought, but I retain myself from thinking too much into it. "Because if you believe that every shared moment we had during the days that it was just you and I were a mistake, then maybe the mistake was my own for allowing you to kiss me."
I am surprised by Emma's revelation. She knew I was going to kiss her? Was I that predictable last night? Or maybe Emma could just see right through me, the same way she did when we first met. This made me feel so exposed, so vulnerable that Emma's words cut through my heartstrings like the sharp end of a knife blade.
Emma's determination and own revelation confused me. If she knew or expected a kiss to happen between us, did that mean she wished for it, too?
Was this Emma's way of letting me know that she liked me, too?
This wasn't right. Emma shouldn't be sitting before me, making me believe that the kiss between us wasn't a mistake when it was. In fact, Emma should be angry with me for kissing her. She should be telling me that I was in the wrong, and it could never happen again.
"Anybody home?" Audrey's voice startled us both, Emma leaned back in her chair, as I blinked away the light sting of tears begging to spring free. "I'm home!" Audrey's grin reached her eyes as she marched directly toward me, embracing me in the tightest hug she's ever given me. My eyes close as my heart aches for my daughter, reminding me all the more of the wrong I had done behind her back. "Oh, I had so much fun, but you have no idea how much I needed to be back home." She said, and I know that her reason for being back home is strictly centered on Emma.
My eyes lock with Emma's from across the room as I have Audrey wrapped up in our embrace. And just by the look in Emma's eyes I can tell, she wasn't about to say anything to Audrey about what happened. Neither was I. Because there was nothing to tell. It was a one time mistake that would never repeat itself.
"I missed you, too, dear." I put on my best smile as Audrey and I part from our hug. "I wish you would have called, we could have gone to pick you up."
"It was nothing, dad arranged everything for an Uber to bring me by." Audrey smiles, her eyes follow along in Emma's direction and even more quickly, do her feet as they race toward her. "What I really wanted was to get home to you," my smile disappears for a brief minute as Audrey pulls Emma into a hug next, and her lips press along Emma's in a mutually given kiss. I can't even turn away. I'm rooted to the ground by the vines of jealousy that refuse to release me.
Can you believe that? Me- Audrey's own mother- jealous of her own flesh and blood over someone that was strictly forbidden.
I swallowed down the hard lump that formed in my throat and felt it burn on its way down. That burn settles inside of my chest as Audrey embraces Emma once again and holds her in the tightest hug imaginable. Emma's eyes find mine from across the room once again, and it pains me to look into them.
"Excuse me." I murmur under my breath. I feel Emma's eyes follow me as I walk out of the dining room and follow my path into the kitchen where I turn the knob to the kitchen sink. My hands land along the edges of the sink before me as I allow my eyes to close for a moment while I breathe as slowly as possible. Breathe. Just breathe. She's your daughter's girlfriend. You have no right to be jealous. I hear the water cascading in full blast as I place my hands right underneath the cool stream and splash it along my face.
I had never felt jealousy strike me like this before. I needed to keep it under control. It couldn't happen again, but then again, how could I ever prevent it from happening again when I felt the way I did for Emma? Suddenly I had never regretted kissing her more than I did at this moment. Kissing Emma had not only cleared out my feelings toward her all the more, but it also shifted my entire world for the worst.
I splash more water on my face and slide one of my hands along the back of my neck before I reach out to turn the knob of the sink that shut the water. I draw in a sharp intake of breath as my eyes close once more. "Audrey is back home and you should be happy. She's home and she'll be with Emma. As it should be." I say aloud, but that only makes the burning jealousy settle along my stomach.
"Ma'am?" I look up from the sink to find Sidney standing in the kitchen.
"Sidney," I breathe, trying my best to master my composure as I reach for the hand towel that hangs along the handle of the stove to pad my face dry. "I didn't see you standing there."
"Is everything alright?" Sidney asks, obviously noticing my state of panic.
"Yes," I held the towel in my hands. "Of course." I pray he doesn't ask any further questions.
Luckily, he doesn't. He just smiles. "It's wonderful to have Ms. Audrey's presence in the house once again. I'm glad she made it home safe and sound."
I smile at that and nod. "It is wonderful. I'm sure Emma missed her terribly." The burn along my stomach ignites. "Sidney, would you please be so kind as to dispose of my breakfast? I suddenly find myself at a loss for appetite."
Sidney's brows furrow. "Are you feeling unwell? Should I call Dr. Whale?"
"No," I shake my head quickly. "There's no need to call Victor, Sidney, but thank you. I just- I need to lie down for a moment. I suddenly have a headache."
"Should I bring up an aspirin for you, ma'am?" Sidney asks, ever the concerned friend.
I didn't need an aspirin. I needed to get rid of these feelings. "I think I have some in my bathroom, but thank you." I smile.
"Well, if you need anything, I'll be close by." Sidney smiles.
I give Sidney's arm a gentle squeeze as I walk past him and make my way out of the kitchen. As I near the staircase, I turn in the direction of the dining room and frown as I see Emma and Audrey's lips pressed together in a mutual, passionate kiss. As I head up the staircase, I feel the burning in my stomach travel up to my chest again where it sits for the rest of the day.