.


Chapter 134

Alone ... and Single Parent


Bella


"Edward," I muttered as I woke up and reached out my hand. Nothing. Had I thought for a moment that he had only gotten up to wake the children, the truth rippled up my arm through the untouched hand lying on cold sheets and nestled in my heart. Edward was gone!

I withdrew my hand.

The night had been exhausting. My dream was a single heated discussion with Edward. A discussion that I lost.

"And you stay strong, Bella!" David had said.

Right now I was finding this quite difficult, but in the course of lying awake last night an inner determination had gripped me. I tried to recapitulate my thinking in this regard to remind myself of exactly this strength.

Yes, I would be strong! I would have this baby if it was the last thing I did. This baby had no one but me. Fuck who the biological father was, it had a right to live. The right that its mother take care of it. That's what I would do. I couldn't let my own problems prevent me from not doing everything for the baby. Honestly? My problems were hopeless. A life without Edward was meaningless. But the baby was not to blame. Only I alone! David was right. We had no reason to plunge into an erotic love affair. Both our lives were going perfectly. At least until yesterday morning. Why would I want to sleep with David when I had an angel? I couldn't drown my mind that much to forget that! So far a theory. In practice, I was pregnant. I forbade myself to think about this subject. Except that it drove me crazy not knowing when or if I would see Edward again, it didn't change my situation. I could not prove my innocence. So now I had to live with that.

I looked at the alarm clock.

Not yet eight o'clock in the morning, but the children should already be at school. The children! How they had snapped at me yesterday! They would probably be as unable to forgive me as Edward. I had destroyed everything!

With difficulty I crawled out of bed and got ready. Nice and slowly, and always holding on to something.

I didn't really feel sick, but I was still physically weak. But was that a miracle? I had basically eaten nothing all day yesterday.

For some time I stood naked in front of my big mirror and looked at the expectant mother I saw in it. The slight smile on her face was clouded by the shadows under her eyes.

Had the bulge of my abdomen become bigger? I was certainly just imagining that.

For today, I had thought about how I might trick my little Knob and its nausea causing.

I would eat my food spread throughout the day. Only a little at a time. Let's see if that would help.

At nine I finally stood in the dining room and was surprised.

Jake and Leah had made me breakfast. A tea bag was already hanging in the cup, but was of course not infused.

It would already be cold if they had done it.

However, a thermas stood behind it.

My open-faced bun halves were in a Tupperware container, so the bun didn't get hard and dry. A boiled egg in an egg cup. Muesli in a small bowl. Various fruits lay within reach. The package from the Advent calendar lay on my plate, weighing down a note.

No matter what you do, you're still our mom!

Leah & Jake

Well, it wasn't really an apology for their words, yet I was touched by this gesture.

I sat down and took a big bite of the cheese roll. I chewed long and extensively and thought about what I was going to do today ... except stay strong. I quickly came up with an idea.

I calmly got up, got a laptop and since I was already standing, I also got milk from the refrigerator. I surfed the Internet through various sites.

Pregnancy! Progression. Side effects. What had to be observed. What was forbidden or explicitly allowed. How the fetus developed. How it affected the mother ... After all, yesterday I realized in a panic that I had absolutely no idea about it. Time to find out.

By noon, I had finished the cereal, the egg, and one half of a roll, and I was feeling good.

Let's rather say I wasn't sick to my stomach. Anything else would be an exaggeration. The happiness about the baby was still there, but significantly diminished. Because Edward was no longer here.

I talked to Zoey on the phone for a long time.

She worked in her husband Alex's driving school. She kept the books, took care of the classroom, made sure there was enough of the required teaching materials, planned workshop and test dates as well as driving lessons, and checked questionnaires. She always had something to do. But since she 'only' worked for her husband, she could work when she wanted to - so to speak. Unfortunately, she didn't have time to come here, so I then reported in detail on the phone about my day yesterday.

How I was happy about the baby, how Edward had reacted, how irrefutable my infidelity was and that he was just gone. I had to be a little careful what I said exactly. Zoey knew basically nothing about Edward, except that he wasn't getting any older. But she was just Zoey. If I said one word too much, she said nothing about it. She rebuilt me morally and my determination returned. She doubted that I was a heartless unfaithful cucumber. That's what she said.

I chuckled at that.

Zoey still had some work to do, so we ended the phone call. I took a hearty bite of my second half of the roll. Chewing, I opened the little bag from the Advent calendar.

A poem. About the cold nights, snowflakes, that the silent night was getting closer, and of baked apples, which roasted over the crackling fire of the fireplace.

A little too quickly, I stood up, held onto the chair for a moment, and calmly continued into the kitchen.

Baked apple. That sounded good ...

However, my stomach did not find it funny at all, so I found myself over the toilet bowl. While I waited for the bathroom to stop swaying, I scolded my Knob in my mind.

It wouldn't be nice to annoy his mother like that. I mean, what was not to understand about the term 'morning sickness'. Morning! But it was already afternoon! At some point I had to eat something, which also had the chance to give me strength again.

I took a deep breath, caressed over my Knob and brushed my teeth.

I stood in the living room in front of the window for a few minutes. Edward's car was still parked in the driveway.

Like this morning. Like last night. Would I see him again? I didn't know. 'Bella. I ask you to release me from my promise!'

The words meandered through my jumbled thoughts.

He needed distance. From me. How surreal. On Sunday we had talked about how two days of separation had felt. Namely wrong. As if we were not allowed to leave each other, even if only temporarily. Over the weekend, I had been sad to death at times because he was not here. Although I knew that he would come back. That had made no sense for both of us, from purely rational considerations. And now he was gone. In contrast, I was doing comparatively well now. Although I didn't know if and – if so - when he would come back.

I lay down on the sofa, took a book, a blanket, and made myself some tea.

Of course, I fell asleep. How could it be otherwise?

A noise woke me up again. The book had fallen to the floor. I sat up to pick it up when I heard an engine start. I staggered to the window.

"Edward!" I called out. I didn't know if he overheard or actually didn't hear.

I let myself fall on the floor with my back on the wall.

He didn't hear me! Otherwise he would have come! My voice had probably been too weak. I didn't want to think about the fact that he would have heard me but ignored me. That would only hurt more than just having witnessed its general existence ...

I cried.

He had driven away. Without inquiring about my condition. He was not interested in how I was doing. He didn't care about me. Me and the Knob. I was alone. And a single parent.

It took me considerable effort to get up when the phone rang.

I was just so weak. Except for my heart, nothing really hurt. Only this lack of strength.

"Hello?" I answered almost in a whisper.

"Um ... Mrs. Black?" a male voice asked.

"Yes!"

"Good afternoon. This is Mr. Taylor. The principal of your son Jake's school!" he reminded me unnecessarily with a damn arrogantly stern tone that made my insides wince for a moment.

The mother in me knew this tone of voice. Far too well! That's how parents were given unpleasant news.

I settled down on the nearby armchair.

For this conversation, I would need all the strength at my disposal.

Effortfully charming, I greeted him in a friendly and extremely polite manner and asked the reason for his call. I held my breath in tension.

"I'm calling about your son!" he said, and it sounded like an accusation now.

Typical crammer!

"Jake was caught copying on an exam in economics today. In addition, there was a crib sheet in his pencil case," Mr. Taylor listed the charges. Intransigence sounded clearly through the earpiece.

I exhaled in relief.

Well, I was used to worse calls than that. I was a little disappointed that Jake wanted to cheat, but on the other hand I couldn't be mad at him. Economics!

I smirked a little and mentally blamed Edward!

If he had been here yesterday, he would have prepared Jake for the exam. According to that, it was ultimately my fault. Only because of me Edward was not here.

"That's hardly a reason to expel him from school!" I stated matter-of-factly.

"Not that, of course. But I am considering excluding Jake from the game that is about to take place."

"Don't you think that's perhaps a bit too much? After all, one has nothing to do with the other."

"Mrs. Black! Surely you don't want to downplay your son's dishonest behavior!" demanded Mr. Taylor.

"But let's also not forget that Jake has a significant amount of catching up to do in this subject and he's taking this on absolutely voluntarily?" I asked sweetly, reminding him that he was only in this class for Becky and had never had anything to do with these economics' subjects before. And for that, his grades were quite good. Even without cheating.

"Disciplinary measures are still in order here!" Mr. Taylor basically didn't relent one bit.

"Well, you're the principal. I'll leave it to your experienced expertise to determine the sentence," I lulled him into a sense of security. I heard the smug and overly satisfied grin on the other end. "You should only take into consideration that you are not endangering the victory of 'Thornton Academy' that is supposed to be in tomorrow's newspaper," I gave in conclusion. I could almost see the grin die. "Good afternoon, Mr. Taylor," I hung up and grinned to myself. He would do anything for the good name of the school and not invite athletic defeat. Jake would play!

I remained seated for a while and gathered strength.

Only rarely did I miss one of my children's games. Especially not home games. But I simply wouldn't make it today. The way to the kitchen was already exhausting. How was I supposed to get to school and the gym in one piece? It made me sad to leave my son alone in this. But Becky and Leah would be with him. Maybe his father, too. I hoped so. For Jake. But also for me. Edward loved the twins and wanted to miss as little as possible. That he already had too much of. And if he couldn't let go of the kids, maybe he couldn't let go of me.

I started a new attempt at eating. I stood in the kitchen with an admonishingly raised index finger, my eyes narrowed sternly.

"You let your mommy eat now!" I commanded the Knob and stroked over it. Scrambled eggs on bread.

I cut it into small pieces and sat back on the sofa with it and the book. Like this morning, I ate very slowly.

I did not want to challenge my little Knob! So small and already it had me fully in its grip!


"Bella," I heard a quiet deep voice.

I blinked and recognized Marcus in front of me.

Asleep again. "What time is it already?" I asked, confused.

It was really dark outside.

"Half past nine," he replied, taking the novel off my legs.

I asked about the game and guessed that my predators were running.

We had won and yes, the twins were in the forest.

"How is your mother?" I asked casually.

His look told me that he already was aware of Edward and me, but I didn't want to talk about that. He noticed my evasive reaction, got into it and answered neatly.

Evelyn was doing well, Jules needed only a light bandage during the day, Maggie had been engaged since Thanksgiving, and his father was pissed that the house was absolutely empty.

I chuckled at the small memory of how I had packed his expensive cuff links and stowed them in one of the suitcases.

I shoved the last piece of bread into my mouth, drank my now cold tea, and stood up.

Sitting was dangerous.

I had forgotten how powerless I was and fell back onto the cushion. Thanks to Marcus, who kept my leaden body from toppling to the side.

"Have you seen a doctor yet?" asked Marcus cautiously.

I shook my head.

I hadn't even thought of that after I panicked yesterday and realized I would have to have Carlisle or Edward check me out.

"You should do that as soon as possible. After all, it has to be checked whether mother and child are all right."

"I forgot," I admitted, nodding, and promised to call my gynecologist tomorrow. Because of course he was right about that. A pregnancy should always be medically attended. And if it could only be David's child, after all, there was no danger of the doctor finding out something they shouldn't know. Let alone be able to explain.

Marcus made me another tea and we changed the topic of conversation. He had also brought me some cookies from the kitchen, whereupon I realized that I was incredibly hungry.

No wonder. I had hardly eaten anything.

So I ate all the cookies, including the refill that Marcus fetched from the kitchen and - immediately politely escorted them to the bathroom.

It was again like a blow to the stomach, very sudden and devastating.

I frantically jumped up from the sofa, everything was spinning while I covered my mouth and rushed to the toilet. Marcus caught me as I missed the door frame and caught my shoulder on it just as the twins came through the front door. Leah immediately supported me and carried me to the bathroom, where again everything edible came out of me.

"Isn't it called morning sickness?" she inquired as she placed a cold washcloth on the back of my neck, and I sat wearily next to the toilet.

"I've already tried to explain that to the Knob. It didn't seem interested," I replied, mumbling.

"Knob?" The corners of Leah's mouth pulled up a little.

"I don't know what it's going to be," I shrugged.

Jake came into the small guest bathroom with a glass of water, handed it to me with an almost apologetic smile, but immediately turned back when my cell phone rang.

I tried to hear who was calling me. Much too clearly I learned it.

"You dare call her?" snapped Jake through the phone.

I raised my head toward the door. With Leah's help, I stood up and faced Jake, who just kept ranting against David.

"Jake!" I thundered in between.

The look he gave me spoke volumes.

I had taken his father from him, and he would make me feel it for all eternity. The message at my breakfast. The glass of water. He had not done that for me. The contempt in his eyes for what I must have done to be pregnant hit me as hard and unyielding as Edward's abandonment. The pain pulled at my chest.

With an expression marked by immoderate disappointment, he threw the cell phone on the table and went upstairs.

"Jake," Marcus stood in his way placatingly, but he only shoved him roughly out of the way and went upstairs, slamming his bedroom door shut.

The demonstration of the fact that he would never talk to me again.

Tears welled up in my eyes.

I had lost one of my babies.

On the other hand, I still felt Leah's holding arms around me. But not for very long either. She ran after Jake, and I leaned weakly against the doorframe, looking at Marcus who stood more or less helplessly in front of me. Only a few seconds passed before Marcus grabbed the cell phone.

"David? ... Yes ... I'm sure she'll call you right back," was all he said and hung up.

He slipped the phone into his pocket, turned off the light in the living room, and lifted me into his arms.

"I'll take you upstairs, Bella," he whispered in a soothing tone.

Gratefully, my head fell against his shoulder. I chuckled in the meantime, as he tried to operate another light switch with his elbow, but this didn't work out nearly as he imagined.

"So Leah got her sass from you!" he stated with a smirk.

"I'm sorry?" I murmured questioningly.

"I don't believe you!"

He carried me into the bedroom, put the pajamas on the bed with me, and asked if I needed any more help.

It was like so often with him. Edward had told me about his past. Well. His youth, which was not too long ago. A real daredevil, with everything that went with it. Drugs, alcohol, juvenile court judges. The way I had met him, it was hard to believe. I liked him and thought Leah had made a very good choice. I even found parallels between him and Edward. A rebellious phase, but today kind and helpful. The way he brought me up here, it reminded me of Edward's first appearance here at the house. When I couldn't walk properly because of my ankle.

I dragged myself to the bathroom again, but immediately went to bed changed. I dialed.

"Bella. I'm sorry!" David said immediately when he accepted the call.

We didn't talk for very long. He just wanted to hear how I was doing and make sure I wasn't alone.

I wasn't, but did that make a difference - with my kids' moods?

I, on the other hand, asked how Naresh and his family were doing. A very good friend of his with whom he would stay during his Philadelphia trip. And I asked about Sonya. He had called her, too, of course, but they had hardly spoken a word to each other. She was still too angry. But Edward would probably have been with her, which reassured David immensely.


I was again afflicted by a dream that was a continuous dispute with Edward.

So the next morning I felt completely exhausted and worn out.

Okay. It could also be because I still hadn't eaten anything.

The teenagers had been out of the house for a long time when I first sat up and looked at my watch.

It was already well past nine in the morning. I had no strength to shower, so I just brushed my teeth sitting on the floor and combed my mane. I took my baggy clothes from the armchair and changed, again sitting on the floor. I smelled the pajamas.

Edward's sweetness subsided considerably.

I pulled one of his T-shirts out of the laundry basket.

That was better.

I put it on. With a long and dreamy look, I viewed my rings on the nightstand.

No matter how I felt, I wanted to wear them. They belonged to me, and I didn't feel complete without them. Actually, without the man behind these trinkets, but I had no influence on him.

I carefully dragged myself downstairs.

I had to make myself breakfast today. No silent greeting from my children awaited me.

So. Same game as yesterday. Only today I wouldn't let baked apples and cookies ruin my plan.

I gathered all sorts of things and sat down at the table with my laptop. I searched for the website from yesterday. It had been very informative.

Every single week of pregnancy was explained in detail. Starting with the fertilization up to the birth. When exactly what happened in me and with me and how and when most women perceived or felt it or what examinations the doctor would do and thereby could/should determine.

One yogurt, a few grapes, and half a roll later, my clock in the living room struck twelve and I had arrived the eleventh week of pregnancy. Very carefully, I stood up. I felt a little dizzy, but I held myself upright. For a moment I held on to the table until this stupid feeling subsided. I fetched a calendar and a pad and dropped back on my chair.

Whoo! Was that normal, that it was so exhausting?

I breathed consciously a few times before turning my attention back to the Internet.

Something had made me wonder.

I wrote everything down and recalculated it several times.

I was able to recall even without Edward my last period date-wise based on what was happening at the time. My cycle, which in my case had leveled off at twenty-seven days over the past seventeen and a half years. My ovulation. Even taking into account that Edward said that this time had been two days later than usual. The only night that had been possible with David at all. Each time I came to the same conclusion. I may not be pregnant! My last fertile day – and numerous calculations and calendars on the internet said so – was last Thursday. Thanksgiving.

Stunned, I fell back against the back of the chair.

I hyperventilated.

It was completely out of the question that I was actually having a child. Not only the positive test said that, which could also lead to false positives. My body had clear symptoms. These, as I had read earlier on the Internet, could very well not be real. Many women who hoped for pregnancy imagined the first signs or reacted accordingly to a false positive test. So it was conceivable that I also only imagined these indications through the positive test, but perhaps they were not there at all or actually an illness was the cause. I might have only subconsciously asked my body to react as it should if I were pregnant. But there was one detail that just couldn't be explained away. Edward had heard the baby!

I clicked through the pregnancy weeks on the homepage.

The heartbeat was visible in the ultrasound from the sixth week. Or let's say, from then on there was the basic possibility of recognizing it. So for Edward to hear a heart, I had to be at least six weeks along. But my last menstrual period was just three weeks ago.

I created my own calendar on the laptop and entered my symptoms exactly on the corresponding day.

When did I have what? The mood swings, the nausea, the fatigue, and so on. In parallel, I entered the indicated weeks of pregnancy from the homepage, when these signs usually appeared in expectant mothers. All this did not fit together!

Jerkily I turned around on the chair.

I looked for my cell phone.

I had to call Edward.

Accidentally, I cut my finger on the block while doing so.

Fucking hell! That hurt, damn!

I took a deep breath and held it.

I viewed the deep cut that was clearly visible. And looked at it. Turned my hand. Pressed with my thumb against the furrow. But no blood came?

Stars began to explode before my eyes. I was still holding my breath.

I was too fascinated by the fact that there was no blood to think about something as unimportant as breathing. The cut was quite deep, I could push the skin shreds apart! Why was there no blood?

My field of vision became darker and darker.

Like a black transparent veil that obscured my view. I noticed how I felt dizzy and slowly slumped down.

Seeking a foothold, I rowed my arms, but the chair I was sitting on and the laptop, which offered no support, landed on the floor with me.

I breathed again.

More out of affect. The dizziness, the exploding stars, and the dark veil remained. I had no strength to get up. So I just lay there and waited for the soothing blackness to absorb me completely. But it did not come.

I had still seen my cell phone when I had turned around. It was lying on the living room table.

Unreachable.

The house phone was in its charging station in the hallway.

Even more unreachable. The laptop. It lay on the carpet with me.

I tried to move. I reached out toward the device. Shoved an arm in its direction, but it was too far away.

My phones rang in turn as dusk fell outside, but I could not move. Not a single muscle, not a bone, not a nerve, followed my will.

"Edward! Help me!" I pleaded in a whisper, but nothing happened.


Thanks for reading!