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Chapter 173
Conversations
Leah
I slept restlessly and woke up again and again. And when I woke up, I lay differently in bed each time. Therefore, I felt completely exhausted because I had slept quite little.
The cool hand that lay against my cheek in the morning had never felt so good as it did today.
There would certainly not be much to deal with me today.
While Marcus, Jake, and Becky were out running, I climbed into the shower rather laboriously, hoping that would somehow help with waking up.
It did not.
I had spent half of breakfast yawning, and the other half just nibbling listlessly.
Only Ced was able to bring a smile to my face as he held out his little arms to me. I gave him his bottle of blood, during which he showed me in detail the advantages of a morning swim workout.
"Sorry, little brother, but we are meeting in a few minutes. You'll probably have to make do with your parents," I excused all four of us with it.
Ced peeked in displeasure.
"But we'll be home early. Then you can let off steam tonight with us as cuddly toys," I promised and immediately he giggled enthusiastically.
"Speaking of dates. If you three still want to shower, you should hurry up. It's still a good half hour to Saco," said Dad, who was already beginning to clear the table.
Jake and Becky nodded and immediately jumped up.
Dad stood in their way.
"If you shower one after the other, you'll still have enough time to clear the table," Dad stated matter-of-factly.
"But wouldn't that be a waste of water?" grinned Jake, pushing Becky past Dad.
Dad rolled his eyes in amusement and shook his head.
For this, Marcus and I quickly helped out.
After all, I had already taken a shower and Marcus alone was quite quick.
I then thoughtfully leaned with my toothbrush against my sink as I watched water run over a cute little baby blue unicorn. When Marcus turned to me in the shower, it didn't get any better.
So, my mental absence did not get better. The sight that presented itself to me did. An extremely well-built well-trained caramel-colored body. Naked, as God had created him. All alone for me.
"Leah!" he spoke.
"Hmm ...?"
"You're drooling!"
My head went in the direction of the mirror.
Oops ... Yep ... I had toothpaste foam running down my chin.
I rinsed my mouth out and set my toothbrush aside when something soaking wet hugged me backwards and tried to get to my ticklish spot.
"Ewww ...!", I screamed.
The arms were tightly around me, but I could squirm out. Instead, I hung half on the floor, chuckling.
"At least you're laughing again!", Marcus stated and took a towel after all.
Before the unicorn was wrapped, I gave him a little pat on it.
"Hurry up or we'll be late," I teased him as I did so.
We arrived in the city just about on time.
We had a date with the group to go ice skating in the park.
It was even really funny. All four boys had a race. Becky and I laughed at our two boys afterwards.
Marcus and Jake, who hardly ever missed an opportunity to compete together, who had to make a competition out of pretty much everything, and who beat each other down hard and ruthlessly in the process, were dumped ice-cold by Jason!
As a victory bonus, there was an extra serving of cream on his cocoa when we took a break at a café.
The humans among us needed to warm up a bit.
Somehow it happened that I was sitting between Lisa and Claire, who in turn were sitting next to their men. But I did not feel uncomfortable, Marcus sat opposite me. So I could look directly into his black diamonds.
While I ate my cake, I daydreamed to myself.
Even if the fate annoyed me at present nevertheless very much, by it imprinted me on Nanuk, the fate had nevertheless an excellent taste, as I had to admit. It had met my personal taste. Tall, dark, muscular. Like the man right in front of me. Nanuk and Marcus were really damn similar in appearance. Only their facial features differed considerably, which is why it was hardly possible to mistake the two for each other.
"Leah!" someone nudged me.
I blinked a few times and looked to the side.
Lisa looked at me as if waiting for an answer.
"Are you done? We want to go," she asked seemingly for the second time.
I nodded and quickly shoved the last fork of my cake into my mouth. Cake, which was made of a layer covered with various wild berries.
After a second round on the ice, we strolled a bit through the streets as it began to snow gently once again.
Marcus very carefully pulled the hood of my jacket over my head.
"Not that the little wildcat will catch cold," he said with a smirk, and I gently touched his lips with mine for his care.
Holding hands, we quickly rejoined the others.
Jake and Becky got stuck on the show case windows of a bridal fashion store a short time later.
What there was not everything. Simple, overloaded, elegant, long, short, tight-fitting or with hoop skirt underneath. There were also surprisingly many colors. White in all shades, but also pink. One even in black.
"I guess that would be Emma's dress!", I noted as I spotted a pink one in the background.
"Like you wouldn't like that too!", Marcus teased me.
"Yes, but not as a wedding dress. I want to get married in plain white," I said.
Marcus looked at me skeptically and I lowered my gaze a little bashfully.
"With enough pink accents," I admitted.
He laughed heartily and pulled me tightly into his arms.
My arms were around him too, but over my shoulder I was still looking at the shop windows.
What will Kate's dress look like? She certainly had the figure for one of those tight-fitting ones, but I actually imagined her in something a little fuller. Not necessarily a voluminous princess dress, but something with more fabric and tulle. Nanuk had only ever given a number of weeks until her wedding, but Kate had told me the exact date yesterday. February 14. Valentine's Day. The day of love. Nanuk's idea, which Kate was very keen on. I probably would have been too ... Well, of the date, I mean.
Jake appeared before my eyes and looked at me kind of strangely, which ended my musings.
We strolled leisurely in the direction of our cars. It was already getting dark, and we all still had serious conversations to have with various school books.
One more week until midterm exams began. One more week until Nanuk would go back to Boston.
For today's 'goodbye' we stood not far from our parking spots and our guys got hot drinks for all of us again from a Starbucks.
I was looking around indecisively while waiting when I saw a man walking down the street away from us.
Tall, with chin-length dark hair peeking out from under a cap, a glowing cigarette in his hand.
Immediately I started to move.
The man was moving briskly and turned into a street.
I quickly ran after him, but I didn't see him anymore.
"Nanuk," I called through the darkness, but received no response.
Nevertheless, I continued walking. In a narrow alley I heard the echo of footsteps and immediately ran there.
There he was again.
"Nanuk," I called out again and set after him.
I reached him just as he was about to turn another corner. A man in his mid-thirties looked at me angrily.
"What do you want from me, girl? Why are you shouting something here through the streets? And running after me?" he asked, clearly miffed.
"Sorry, I mistook you," I muttered, turning and shuffling back through the alley.
I wasn't quite through the passage when I stopped, leaned against the cold wall, and put my hands in front of my face.
How could I think that Nanuk would be here? What would he want in Saco? He was probably sitting with his Kate in the warm on the sofa or something. Or in bed. Maybe they were in the Native American camp again. There, the every evening meeting would just take place.
"Leah!", I heard Jake calling after me on the street.
Damn. I had just gone off without saying anything to anyone.
So I walked briskly down the rest of the alley and banged into someone at the corner.
"Leah!", Marcus recognized me and immediately pulled me tightly into his arms. "Don't do this to me again, please!" he pleaded with relief, kissing me on the forehead.
"Sorry. I thought I knew the guy and went after him. But I was wrong," I mumbled.
"Who did you think you saw?" asked Jake, more amused than alarmed.
Of course he asked that. Who I knew, he also knew. We were one.
"Nanuk," I whispered, but it hadn't gotten quiet enough.
The arms around me loosened instantly and Marcus ran a hand through his hair erratically as he looked at me indecisively.
We quickly went back to the others, who then also all told me again not to run away like that. Lisa, Claire, and Becky had been so engrossed in a chat that they had only noticed my absence when I had almost reached the street I had turned into. I must have missed their calling for me.
We drove home in silence. To our house in Saco.
Our parents had apparently just arrived as well. Ced was just released from a thick jacket.
We decided that we would order pizza so that no one would have to stand in the kitchen. Nevertheless, Jake and I then stood by the fridge and looked at what we could use to bridge the time gap. Jake grabbed a bag of salami sticks, I grabbed a banana.
Dad asked how the race went between Marcus and Jake that they had announced at breakfast.
Immediately, the eternal adversaries began to report.
Strange!
Becky and I looked at each other in amusement and shrugged our shoulders.
We had probably seen a different race than what they were talking about.
A text message made my phone vibrate in my pants pocket.
Have you forgotten me? ;-)
I smiled.
Nanuk.
I went upstairs to my room to call Nanuk. According to the 'ristorante' it would take a little while until the pizza would come. I could also spend the time well with phone calls.
"Leah," he immediately said.
He sounded relieved.
"Hello, Nanuk," I said.
I threw myself on the bed and imagined the face to that voice.
"Sorry it took me until now to call you. We've been out all day with our friends and just got home."
"And I was beginning to think you didn't want anything to do with me after yesterday."
"What makes you think that?", I asked, puzzled.
"Well ... There were one or two awkward moments yesterday. And then I also attack Marcus, although he would have had much more reason to do so than I did. I was afraid you just wanted to forget everything," he mumbled guiltily.
"How could I forget you! In fact, I think about you way too much. Much more than I should," I admitted.
"I'm afraid I feel the same way. I can hardly get you out of my thoughts. The guilty conscience towards Kate is getting bigger and bigger."
"Sounds familiar, although I have to say we've been pretty well behaved so far."
"It's just a question of how long it will stay that way!"
"What are you trying to say?", I inquired. "You don't believe in our plan anymore? Or do you no longer want it to work?"
"Yes, Leah. I still want it. But we already saw on Wednesday at the lake how hard it is for both of us sometimes to remember what we both actually want and also want to keep," he said immediately, and I breathed a sigh of relief. "I just mean ... When we were walking through the village with the others yesterday, everything was still okay. We pay a lot of attention to each other, which no one can blame us who knows what happened to us. But as soon as we're alone, we have a serious problem."
"You're right about that!", I agreed with him. When we were out during the day with his brother and sometimes with his friends, there was no tension between us. Even when we had our own little gathering in the evening away from the adults, everything was smooth. Until the moment he pushed Marcus aside, knelt in front of me, and took my face in his hands. Then the surroundings had somehow disappeared and everything in me saw only the darkness of his eyes.
"However, this has come to the attention of more than just the two of us. Akai and Jake have therefore come up with something they hope will help us in this regard."
"Ah ... yeah?"
"They will accompany us when we see each other. So we don't end up alone in a situation we can't justify to Kate and Marcus."
I thought about it for a moment.
After all, our meetings were only supposed to be about convincing each other that the other was doing well. Nothing more. Nothing that somehow belonged in a romantic or passionate love relationship. Nothing that might not be seen by others. Yet we both knew how close we had been yesterday.
"Of course, only if you agree to it. I think it's a good idea," Nanuk added after I hadn't said anything yet.
"Okay, so we'll take chaperones with us," I grinned in agreement. I could already see Jake sitting in front of us as an alert watchdog, growling as soon as any unseemly proximity arose between Nanuk and me.
"With that then, perhaps Kate can be permanently appeased," he mumbled, lost in thought.
"Did you two have another quarrel?", I asked sympathetically. I honestly felt sorry for him. And I was very glad that Marcus was so different. He hadn't blamed me or anything ... or asked me about what I might or might not have done with Nanuk.
"Not directly. After she talked with Marcus and later with you personally, I have the impression that she understands it a little better and also has a little more understanding. She knows now that she's really not alone in this. Still, of course, she doesn't like all this."
"I guess trust isn't one of her strong points?"
"Can you blame her? Kate never had a reason to be jealous and now comes you and should be the center of my universe," he said extremely venomously.
A tone of voice that I had not heard from him before and that made me wince.
"I'm sorry, Leah. It's not your fault," he immediately said meekly.
"But neither is it yours," I countered.
"Let's rather talk about something else ... What did you do today?" he asked immediately, forced cheerfully.
"We went ice skating ...", so I began to tell happily.
In the meantime, my pizza arrived, brought to me by Marcus. He smiled, sat on the edge of the bed and put the box down.
I then wanted to say goodbye to Nanuk now to eat, but Nanuk beat me to it, and I held the phone away from my ear so I wouldn't get a hearing loss.
"Leah! You can't just run after a complete stranger like that!" Nanuk was getting enraged right now.
Since we had agreed to be absolutely honest with each other, I had of course also told him about it. But I should probably have kept that part to myself.
Marcus smiled mischievously, told me to listen carefully to Nanuk and left again.
Nanuk was still getting a little upset about it while I bit into my pizza with relish.
He exaggerated excessively. 'That could have been a sex offender or a violent criminal.'
I rolled my eyes.
"What kind of town do you think Saco is? We're not in Portland or New York, where statistics show that a crime is committed every minute," I said, chewing calmly.
"Uh ... you sound so strange," he reflected, considerably calmer.
"I'm eating."
"What?"
"Pizza. With salami, ham, mushrooms and gummy bears."
"Gummi bears? ... Sounds ... tasty?"
"I'd say you could come over to taste, but as slow as you are, there won't be any left by then!"
"You're really brash, you know that!"
"Yep ...!", I stated.
"Did you at least listen to me?"
"Yeah right. Every word. I just don't take it too seriously!", I said rather calmly.
I thought I could hear him rolling his eyes. Before he could get excited again, I asked about his day.
"We've been lazy. Just munched on the leftovers from yesterday's cake bazaar while watching movies," he laughed, as he also listed the movies for me.
At that, I screwed up my face.
'The Ice Pirates'? 'Sharknado'? 'Robot Monster'? They meant absolutely nothing to me, but sounded very strange.
"Movies that are so bad that they are already cult classics!" he explained to me most seriously.
Must have seen!
After we agreed on a date for tomorrow, I hung up.
I was invited to have dinner at his home.
That was a pretty good fit. Jake wanted to go to Brandon's house after school to study for math with him and Lisa. Just like Dad's study schedule called for. Since Kate and Akai were there as chaperones, Jake wouldn't have to be there too. Plus, this way Mom wouldn't have to cook as much. Or Dad, for that matter. After that, I'd have enough time to study on my own until Marcus got here from his shift at the diner. According to my study schedule, I had English with Dad tomorrow. Shouldn't be too hard.
I folded up the empty pizza box and sank it into my trash can after attaching my cell phone to the charging cord. I also put on some comfortable clothes and put the worn ones back in the closet when Marcus came into the room.
He pushed the door into the lock behind him, but remained leaning against the wood. He looked at me for a long moment before taking a deep breath.
"We need to talk!" he said, and I let myself sink onto my bed.
An alarm bell shrilled in my head.
'We need to talk.' Those were words like 'It's not you, it's me' or 'You deserve better'.
"No!", I stammered and swallowed.
"I think that we do have to," he countered.
"About what?"
"For example, about the fact that you just spent over two hours on the phone with Nanuk."
"Really? Was it that long?", I asked, turning my head to the alarm clock.
"That's two hours more than you've talked to me since Wednesday!", Marcus looked me straight in the eyes.
"Nonsense!", I said with a throwing away hand gesture.
"Then tell me when!"
"Where do you want me to start? We talk to each other all the time," I said nastily and stood up.
Marcus raised his brows a little curiously and waited for an answer.
"So ...", I actually started to pick apart the past few days. It seemed so ridiculous to me ...
I slumped a little, let myself sink back onto the bed, and chewed on my lower lip.
He was right. We really hadn't talked to each other much. Always someone was with us, or I had gone to bed quite quickly.
"But ... that doesn't mean anything. It's just a phase. Like a few weeks ago, when we thought Mom was pregnant by David. Things were just a little turbulent then."
"And what exactly is the reason now that you seem to be avoiding me?"
"That's not what I'm doing!"
"Then what would you call it?"
"In any case, I'm not avoiding you!", I said snottily, but I couldn't offer him a real explanation either. That was ridiculous! I just had a lot on my mind at the moment. Studying for example. In the evening I was simply exhausted and just wanted to go to bed. Since when was Marcus such a sensitive soul anyway? He got upset just because I paid a little less attention to him! He wasn't usually like that!
He came up to me, squatted down in front of me and took my hands.
"I love you, Leah! I've never had such strong feelings for someone as I have for you ..." he began to say, looking very lovingly into my eyes.
I wanted to lift my arms and put them around his neck. To return him the words I felt as he did, but he held my hands back.
"... but I don't think we have a future together anymore. Not anymore."
"What makes you think that?", I asked calmly. If he gave me his concrete reasons, I would be able to refute them! Quite clearly! Marcus must have taken something the wrong way. Perhaps a misunderstanding between us, which I could certainly clear up!
"I think that I have been very patient and indulgent in the past few days. I understood that you and Nanuk didn't choose this, and I tried to support you somehow in your fight against the imprinting ... I have lost that battle now, Leah. Because you are moving away from me. Every day a little bit more. Ever since you met with Nanuk on Wednesday night."
"But I am here. How can I move away from you then?", I asked.
"Yes, you are here, Leah, but only physically. Your thoughts are more with Nanuk. They have been all day. Don't deny it, Leah. Please don't start lying to me," he said gently.
"Yes, I'm thinking about Nanuk. But I love you, Marcus. I only want you! Nothing else happened between Nanuk and me either. We didn't kiss again or anything," I tried to say.
"I believe you, Leah, but tell me how much effort it took you."
My eyes widened.
How did he know that? It had been so exhausting that it hurt. But what did that mean!
"It doesn't matter at all! It will never come to that again either. We agreed that we wouldn't meet alone anymore. That at least Jake or Akai will be there. Tomorrow we'll see each other for dinner at his place. Kate will be there and his parents. Nothing can happen there," I babbled.
"And you think that this should change my decision?" asked Marcus with a pained smile.
"Of course!", I stated point-blank.
"No, Leah. I'm afraid that only proves one thing to me. That it is right for us to go our separate ways from now on!"
"Why?" I didn't understand this. I was fighting. Just for him! So that we could stay together!
"You wouldn't need chaperones if there was nothing between you," he said very gently.
I didn't know what to say to that.
For one thing, his velvety dark tone threw me off. It didn't sound like an accusation, to which he wanted to have something answered. It rather made the impression of an equanimous summary of what had always been clear to both of us, we had only lost sight of it. On the other hand, it was the content of this statement. For I could not help but become aware of a certain logic in it. It was so exhausting that Nanuk, and I didn't get too close to each other, because somehow we both wanted to. It was our heads that determined our plan, but our own hearts were playing against us. No. Actually, it wasn't our heart, because mine longed for Marcus. But also somehow for Nanuk.
Softly, after a moment, he continued, "You're fighting a supernatural attraction, but how long do you think you'll last? For a lifetime? I can't imagine that. You've only known each other for a week and you're already having considerable difficulties ..."
"What kind of difficulties?" I blurted in between.
"Are you serious, Leah?" he asked just as defiantly.
I nodded.
He rose angrily and ran his fingers through his hair.
"That the last time we made love was on Tuesday, I don't need to tell you. After all, that was the last time you were emotionally present. But that was also the last night you kissed me. And I mean really kissed, Leah! You don't talk to me anymore when we are alone, when we are alone - you avoid me ... Maybe that's something you haven't really been aware of, but I've noticed. I mean, I can comprehend that you don't hug me in front of Nanuk, but you don't do it when he's not there either. That you pull back a little when you've just seen him - like last night on the drive home - I can also understand. But you keep me at a distance. You hug me, yes, and you kiss me, yes, but everything is much too distant for your actual temperament. From the girl I'm in love with, I've seen less and less the last few days ... Again and again there were moments when I thought: Yes, your plan can really work. On Friday night, for example, when we ate ice cream in the cinema room. Or this morning in the bathroom. That's when I really felt like you were completely my Leah again. That you just needed a little time to get your thoughts of Nanuk under control and then you'd be back to normal. But appearances couldn't have been more deceptive ... Saturday came, and you literally undressed each other with your eyes. The night came and you called for Nanuk almost continuously. It was today that you were absent-minded all day and you also ran after a complete stranger, hoping it was Nanuk ... We were out for hours today, but not once did you really laugh heartily. Until you talked to Nanuk on the phone."
"But ...", I said, but actually I didn't really know what to say. I was still processing his many words, but came to only one conclusion. Every word was the truth.
Tears came to my eyes as he leaned tiredly with his butt against my desk.
"But ... you love me," he murmured.
I raised my veiled gaze and nodded.
Yes, that I did!
"And I love you. I don't question that at all. If it weren't so, you wouldn't have fought against your destiny ... But that doesn't matter anymore, Leah ... This thing between us can't work if you're thinking about Nanuk most of the time. If you can't manage to show me your love anymore."
I wiped my eyes with my sleeve, but it didn't help. The tears flowed incessantly.
He was right. I didn't want to see that it was true, that there was only one logical consequence, but he was right. A relationship could only work if they both agreed that they wanted to be together. And I was torn. Only I really hadn't realized until now how much I had let Marcus feel that. I had nothing to counter his words with. Except my love for him, and that wasn't enough. I had lost.
I played all the time jittery with the ring on my hand. Now I pulled it off my finger.
It was off.
"Your ring," I mumbled, holding it out to Marcus.
He came the three steps to me and took the ring. For a moment nothing happened. But then he knelt in front of me, put the ring in my hand and closed my fingers around it.
"Please keep it, Leah. I gave it to you, and I don't want it back. Maybe it will remind you of us and the good times we had together," he said and gave me a gentle kiss on the back of my hand.
"What about ... your ... things?", I asked.
He looked around him.
Pretty much everywhere there was something that belonged to him. The clothes in the closet, CDs, a scarf, cuff links, two USB sticks ...
"I'll get them tomorrow when you have practice," he replied in a shaky voice.
"Then we won't see each other again?"
"No."
Marcus would leave. Forever! I would not see him again. Something that gave my heart a rough blow. This was not to be!
Out of sheer desperation, I hugged him. So tightly that I did not crush him. And he did the same. We sat there like that for an eternal moment. I was sitting on the edge of the bed, he was kneeling in front of me.
I didn't want to lose him. Not release him. Never let him go.
"Maybe ... it's my fault," he whispered powerlessly against my ear. "Maybe I did wrong by letting Nanuk and you have your way and not saying anything about it. I don't know if I could have done anything better. Whether I should have behaved differently. If it would have changed anything," he continued to whisper, loosening in the process my arms around his nape.
He pressed a kiss to my forehead.
"... I'm sorry, Leah!" he breathed, turning away from me.
Hastily he went through the door and pulled it shut behind him.
Thanks for reading!
