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Chapter 190
Looking Forward
Leah
I felt good - or let's say - better when I woke up the next morning.
I was still in my parents' bed and the first thing I saw was Ced. He was sitting next to me and seemed to be watching me very closely. His look was cutely serious and focused. He was holding his Kraken very tightly between his little hands.
"Mommy! Daddy!" he immediately shouted excitedly.
What was going on? Had something happened? Did something hurt my little brother?
I didn't recognize anything right away, so I quickly sat up.
Too ... fast ... I immediately felt dizzy.
I supported myself with one hand on the pillow.
Man, was that annoying.
The door to the adjoining bathroom flew open. Mom in her bathrobe with her toothbrush in hand. Dad with a towel around his hips and with a hairbrush.
"Good morning, little sis!" grinned Jake at me from the other end of the bed.
I hadn't even noticed him yet.
He was already fully dressed, holding a cup in his hand and leaning casually against the headboard of the bed.
Mom and Dad immediately sat with me.
Excessively worried. They asked how I was feeling, told me I'd better lie down again, that I shouldn't overtax myself. But the dizziness disappeared again very quickly. I had probably just come up too quickly. And the burning in my chest was omnipresent. Like my faithful companion.
"It's all good," I said, waving it off.
Dad believed me, Mom not so much.
Jake took me down to the breakfast table. He carried me.
I still felt too shaky to walk.
This morning I was allowed a whole roll, which I topped very extensively and ate even more with relish. School was still canceled for me, of course, but Jake and Dad got ready for it after breakfast. They both gave me a big kiss on the cheek before they left the house. With Mom and Ced, however, I remained sitting comfortably at the table.
We were engrossed in trivial chit-chat. She talked about yesterday afternoon when David, Sonya, Cookie, and Emma had been over for coffee. Her three boys had been engrossed in the car racetrack they had gotten for Christmas.
Ced sat on the not yet cleared table in front of me and I more or less secretly nibbled on what I could reach. My little brother fed me additionally with the remains of his chopped fruit.
"Mom, can I please have some coffee!", I demanded when I thought Dad was far enough away. I had only been given tea for breakfast.
She peeked at me skeptically.
"Edward is of the opinion ...," she began diplomatically.
"I'm fine, Mom. It's not like I'm a little kid who doesn't know what she can handle food-wise. I'm hungry! And I'm thirsty for coffee!", I rumbled her in between. Defiantly. And angry.
Mom laughed.
Ced also.
This confused me.
"Edward assumed you'd say something like that," she laughed, but got up from the table.
"Do you know what that means exactly?", I asked my baby brother.
He shrugged his shoulders hesitantly.
Mom came back.
With a cup and a piece of paper ... A waiver?!
"He said: If you don't want to listen, find out the hard way. But he wants to be absolved of any guilt if you don't listen to him," Mom explained to me.
"What does he mean? That I'm going to sue him when I get nauseous?"
"We are in America. Here, people have been sued for less! Even by their kids!"
I snorted disdainfully and went to reach for the coffee pot, but Mom was faster.
"Sign first!"
I signed and then Mom made an inviting gesture across the table. I sat Ced down next to me on the chair.
I needed space!
I ate the remaining two rolls.
Mom refused to make me some more scrambled eggs, but then I took a big bowl of cereal, the remaining yogurt with all the leftover fruit, emptied the coffee pot, and finally grabbed a banana.
When Carlisle and Esmé arrived at our house less than an hour later, I was hanging over the toilet bowl spitting it all out again.
Damn!
Carlisle examined me.
Blood pressure, temperature, and stuff like that.
Esmé helped me to wash, shower, and dress.
So I lay in my sweatpants and sweatshirt with a hot water bottle and blanket again on the sofa.
"And will you listen to your father now?" asked Carlisle to me.
I just nodded, embarrassed, while Mom set out two slices of dry toast and a cup of tea for me.
At the same time, she peeked down at me autocratically. At least that's how it seemed to me.
The morning passed quietly.
I recovered quickly from my 'breakfast' and overall I felt much better than yesterday.
Mom played with Ced, fed and diapered him, kept bringing me little things to eat or drink.
I watched the two of them in amusement, watching TV in the meantime, reading something, also reading to Ced from a book as he sat on my lap.
By the time the three of us were sitting down to lunch, Dad was already coming back from school.
He kissed us in turn and sat with us. He didn't refrain from holding the signed waiver under my nose as Mom told him about my breakfast. And how that had ended. Dad then reported from school that I really wasn't going to miss anything this week. The exams were all done, and the semester was over. Everyone was just waiting for the first semester to officially end with the report card ceremony on Friday. We had already discussed last night that I should only go back to school when I not only felt good enough as a human being again, but also had the wolf in me under control. But after today's school day, my parents had no reservations about excusing me for the entire week.
Today I really didn't feel like going to school, but I doubted that it would be the same for the rest of the week. Let's wait and see.
The afternoon passed in a similarly relaxed manner.
I went back to the sofa autonomously and was quite proud of my independence. Nevertheless, I let myself fall in there a little exhausted.
Mom was sitting at the dining room table with her laptop, working on her thesis.
I thought that was really cool. My mom would get a Ph. Doctor Isabella Black.
Dad noticed my thoughts and we chatted about it while he played with Ced.
When Jake and I had worked at the Prescot Institute during our vacations, we had noticed that everyone treated Mom with respect. The first time we came over to Mom's place of work, we thought it was her company, and that's why they treated her that way. We were about seven or eight years old, if I'm not mistaken. We didn't work there, of course, but we went there on a field trip with the Elementary School. Every now and then there were events where we saw Mom at work. As time went on, we had come to understand that Mom wasn't the boss, but her colleagues simply valued her knowledge. By that time, Jake and I had decided that we wanted to do something in that direction as well. Then, during our summer work there, it slowly became apparent exactly what we wanted to study. Jake bioengineering. Me neurobiology. Neither was exactly what Mom worked at. After we opened up to her about it, she had been a tiny bit disappointed, but she placed us in the next summer job with colleagues of hers who were just that. By getting to know the work area better, our plans were finally set.
In the afternoon, Mom seemed a bit drained after all the theoretical work on her thesis, and I threw all three of them out of the house for a walk.
I had just finished a game of hide and seek with Ced and could use some rest anyway.
I wrapped myself up a bit in the blanket on the sofa, took a bite of my bagel sandwich, a sip of juice, and reached for the book I had started this morning.
A thriller. Exciting story. If the doorbell hadn't rung, I would probably have dozed off at any moment, even though I'd only been lying there for a few minutes. The thing with moving around today was that I got to the bathroom and back on my own. Or to the kitchen and back. For a few minutes I could play with Ced, too. But after that I needed a break.
So I took a deep breath, gathered my strength and crept to the door.
"Marcus?!", I stated in surprise as I opened the door.
"Hello, Leah," he was no less surprised. "You seem to be doing much better," he got over his surprise faster than I did.
"In itself, yes," I opined. "Are you here for a particular reason?", it then occurred to me to ask.
"I'm missing the key to my locker at Taekwondo. Have you perhaps seen it?" he asked in response.
Too bad. Somehow.
"Nah, should I?"
"I've already looked everywhere. In the car, in my room, in my school bag. That's when I was hoping maybe it fell out of my jacket pocket in your room."
"I would have called you if I had found him ... But I didn't look for it either. It's best to see if it's lying somewhere. I wasn't really paying attention, which is why I might well have missed it," I said, making a prompting hand gesture up the stairs.
Marcus accepted my 'invitation' and sprinted up the stairs.
I threw the door into the lock and sat down on the stairs. With my eyes closed, I leaned against the banister.
This little trip to the door had been exhausting. I concentrated on Marcus' heartbeat. On the one hand, to exercise my senses a little. For another, it was a steady, soothing sound. At one point, it got a little bumpy. I wondered why. I forgot about the question and instead chuckled when I heard a cursed "Ouch!". Apparently he had bumped himself somewhere while searching. As I did so, I imagined how this tall, well-built young man was crawling around my room on all fours. Funny picture. And it was not difficult for me to imagine Marcus in my room. I had really seen it too often for that. Above all, he was looking for this key regularly. A small key with a black ball hanging from it as a pendant. It was one of those magic-8 balls. If you asked a question and shook the ball, an answer would appear. My favorite answer had always been 'Better ask again tomorrow!' He had gotten it from his younger sister Jules for his last birthday. But all the time, this ball along with the key kept rolling out of his pocket.
"Leah?" he was suddenly with me again. He squatted a step below me, looking worried. "You're pale."
"Yes? ... Maybe. It's just all still a bit exhausting," I only said.
"And then YOU opened the door?"
"There's no one else around," I shrugged.
"They left you alone?" asked Marcus suspiciously thereupon.
"Mom and Dad took Ced out for a walk in the woods. I kind of threw them out," I explained.
"Still, they shouldn't leave you alone if something like opening doors stresses you out so much," Marcus stated lecturingly.
"I was playing hide and seek with Ced earlier, and I wasn't sitting on the couch for very long after that. That's the only reason it's getting me down right now," I defended myself. And my parents.
"So I'm disturbing your peace?! I'm sorry about that. I'd better leave you alone again so you can rest," he replied, slightly crestfallen, and wanted to rise.
"But you're not disturbing me," was all I said in response.
At the same time, I had involuntarily grabbed his hand.
He paused in his movement, and so we remained. Looking at each other.
He gently held my fingers in his.
I felt the impulse to run along the scar on his left eyebrow, but I suppressed it. It wasn't my place to do that anymore and very likely he would see it the same way. He had broken up with me and I had lost my heart to someone else.
"Did you find your key?", I inquired, leaning back against the banister, wiping along my eye doing so.
He released my fingers and sat down next to me on the step - leaning against the railing as I did.
"Yes. It rolled into the far corner under the desk," he smiled, holding it up in evidence.
"I'm sorry you're missing your workout."
I knew how much he liked this sport. Almost as much as surfing. He had started doing it in the past to be able to hit, also to fight back against his father, which he had never done in the end, but today he wasn't like that anymore. And I was very happy about that. Even though he wasn't like that anymore, however, he continued to play the sport with passion and participated in competitions. It would be a good full-body workout, which targeted almost all the muscles, and there were few sports that were designed that way. 'Mr. sports science,' I smiled to myself. That's what Jake had always called him when it came to athletic competitions between the two of them and Jake lost.
"You don't look like you're sorry," he noted my smile.
"But I really am. Something just crossed my mind," I appeased.
"Uh-huh ... And what?"
"It doesn't matter ... How's Jules going to get home if you're already here? Or are you driving back to Portland again?"
"Nah, her boyfriend will bring her back later."
"Oh ... And you can justify that?" I asked tartly. Marcus didn't particularly like his sister's boyfriend, even though they had been together longer than either of us knew each other.
"Someone once told me a few weeks ago that I shouldn't be acting like such a big brother and let Jules learn from her own decisions. Who was that again?"
"Yes, I said it. Because Jules isn't a little girl anymore. She'll be sixteen soon!", I reminded him.
"But I just don't like that guy. He's a daredevil and acts way too cool for his age!" grumbled Marcus.
"So he's sort of like you were a few years ago?"
With that, Marcus was defeated, and he knew it for sure. He smiled, but it was more of a giving-up smile.
"What was going through your mind earlier? When you were smiling about my missing practice?" so he changed the subject.
"How you once told me why you still do taekwondo even though you're not a daredevil anymore. And how Jake would once again call you 'Mr. sports science' with that explanation," I admitted.
"'Mr. sports science'!" he repeated with amused contempt. "Jake is a sore loser!" he added.
"He always was. Just like you!"
"Oh? And so you're better, huh?"
I nodded decisively.
"Which one of us put on her headphones in a huff a few weeks ago, turning the music up so loud that she couldn't hear the perfectly logical and convincing arguments being made?"
"Sounds like Becky," I offered.
He raised his eyebrows very very very skeptically.
I stuck my tongue out at him, crossed my arms in front of my chest in offense, and stubbornly and dismissively looked to the side.
He laughed.
But I immediately slumped down into myself a little bit.
Not from weakness or anything or because his laughter might have hit me somehow. The memory made me give up my stubborn attitude.
Beautiful memories. Yes, I was stubborn and impulsive, but Marcus had brought me back down to earth every time I acted it out. With just a single kiss. Sometimes fiery, sometimes gentle, sometimes playful. It had worked every single time, even if it had not remained with a kiss many times. But that time was behind us. We could not bring it back. Too much had happened since then. My heart belonged to Nanuk, even beyond death. So the pain in my heart also immediately reappeared more noticeably and tears ran down my cheeks. A pain that I knew would never completely disappear. Because Nanuk had taken a part of me with him, and I would never get it back. The pain had been there since I woke up yesterday morning. Sometimes I was consciously aware of it - like now. Sometimes I could push it back a little and block it out a little. But it was there. All the time. I just had to look forward. Never back.
I hadn't really noticed, but Marcus held me tightly and I cried. My head rested on his strong shoulder, one of my hands held onto the hem of his jacket, his arms were tight around me.
His smell and human warmth exuded the feeling of security. His dark voice whispering comforting and apologetic words did the rest. Apologetic because Marcus believed he was to blame for my crying. That he had said something wrong. That he hadn't meant to. My tears dried up after a while, but I didn't want to give up this feeling.
So we just sat, in silence, and it did my soul good.
Until my parents came back.
I heard them laughing happily as they entered the house through the patio door. And I smiled when I heard Mom scolding.
"Will you stay here! You'll get the whole carpet soaking wet with all that snow on your jacket."
I think she was talking about Ced. Or maybe she meant Dad.
"Everything okay?" Marcus asked me in a whisper as I lifted my head from his shoulder.
At the same time, he gently ran a thumb over my cheek to wipe away the still damp traces. On the other side, I did it myself.
"Yes. Thank you for letting me lean on you," I murmured back. Surely that wasn't proper.
"That's what friends are for," he smiled sympathetically, however.
Then also already Dad reached us to hang up two and a half jackets on the coat rack and to put down various scarves, hats and gloves.
"Hi, Marcus. Are you staying for dinner?" my dad asked good-humoredly, as if it were normal that Marcus and I would sit on the stairs.
"Hey, Edward. No, thanks. I have to go home," Marcus replied.
"He has to make sure Jules gets home on time and, more importantly, unharmed," I claimed, chuckling to distract myself from Nanuk. I didn't want to be crabby, at least not sooo crabby, I had been for long enough.
"Jules isn't a little girl anymore, after all, and she's been with this Ted guy for a while," Dad stated in response.
"You see!", I teased Marcus.
"I'm out of here! Everyone here is on Jules' side!" he said, offended, standing up and adjusting his jacket.
"Marcus. Will you join us for dinner?" Mom then stood in the doorway to the living room with Ced in her arms.
Ced first held out his arms to Marcus, so Mom passed him to Marcus.
Meanwhile, the front door opened. Jake and Becky were coming from school.
"Hi. That's quite a greeting," Jake noted in amazement at who was all just beyond the front door. "Are you staying for dinner?", Jake then followed up with towards Marcus, who rolled his eyes in response.
"I guess you don't have a chance to run away," I summed up the overall situation.
"Let's start cooking, then," Dad pushed Mom across the living room.
Ced, who first wanted to greet Becky at length, switched to her arm and Jake and Becky also disappeared into the living room.
"I'll stay only if you don't mind," Marcus leaned toward me.
Because I was still sitting on the stairs.
"I didn't. We're friends, aren't we?" I replied with a smile. I really hadn't. Even though we were no longer together, we had a very nice time and the separation had hurt, I liked him and his company. I did not want to renounce his purely platonic friendship in any case.
He took off his jacket, held out a hand to me, and pulled me up swingingly from the stairs.
Too swingy. I was dizzy in one fell swoop and staggered, but his hands were promptly on my hips to hold me.
"Sorry. That was probably too much of a good thing," he realized himself.
"Yes, it was," I mumbled, but it passed immediately. Like it had this morning, or the other times I'd gotten up too quickly on my own. I kept forgetting that I had to take something like this slowly at the moment.
Up to and during dinner, the problem of Jules/Ted/Marcus was then examined from all sides and discussed in detail.
The thing was clear: Marcus had no valid reason to have anything against his sister's boyfriend. Just a feeling that he was not good enough for her.
Dad was the only one who could understand him at least a little bit.
"Someone once gave me the advice that you should give the 'competition' a real chance, and that it will be easier if you can form an honest friendship with the person because of it," Dad commented.
He said it very gently, but emphatically.
"So, did the advice work?", Marcus dig deeper skeptically.
"You're still alive, aren't you?" retorted Dad.
Everyone laughed, only Marcus was a little ... embarrassed.
We had all sat on the couch for dessert, but were now done.
Marcus helped clear the table and thanked us, but then immediately said goodbye.
I tried to walk him to the door, but he was already standing in front of me with a warning index finger.
"Slow down!" he commanded me.
I would have forgotten about it again.
"You've eaten quite little ... by your usual standards," he stated as we stood outside on the porch, and he buttoned his jacket.
"That's all I'm allowed," I said snottily.
"Your parents are unlikely to let you starve to death."
"Seems like it to me!", I said even more snottily. And louder, so that Dad also noticed that.
Marcus nodded invitingly with his chin.
"I haven't eaten or drunk anything all last week. Except for any infusions from Carlisle. So Dad is of the opinion that I should take it easy. I'm only allowed a snack every hour and a half to two hours," I explained.
"I can sneak you in some chocolate," he offered with a smile.
"Yes, please!"
He smiled adorably.
"I promised Ced to go swimming with him again sometime. I'm free on Friday. School is already out at noon because of the report cards. I could bring him some chocolate, which of course would have to be carefully tasted first," he suggested.
"Don't you have work to do? You're already not at the diner today."
"No. I'm working double shifts every evening for the next three days. In return, I'll have Friday off."
"Double shift? Isn't that too much?" I asked anxiously. That meant right after school until the place closed around eleven. That left no time for sports or his friends.
"I'll be fine ... It's more money and I actually needed the distraction to not think about other things."
"Distraction?", I dug deeper.
He hesitated a little before speaking.
"To not think about you and what I lost with you," he admitted softly.
I didn't know what to say to that.
With a little tear in my eye, I sat down on the steps of our porch.
"I'm sorry, Marcus. We can't turn back time," I said apologetically.
He sat down next to me, was silent for a moment and then timidly took one of my hands.
"I know, Leah. I'm not sure I would even want that. It's really only been two weeks, but so much has happened in your life. There's no room for me anymore. Not like before," he murmured.
I looked at him and nodded, but squeezed his hand tighter.
"We tried, it was a very nice time, but we didn't make it ... Our breakup was from me, but I didn't particularly come to terms with that decision. I don't know why, but after this weekend I feel like it's easier for me to accept it. Maybe I shouldn't be with you, maybe it would be better to draw a final line, but I like being with you. Maybe we don't have a future as a couple, maybe we never did. Who knows? But I would hate to lose you completely from my life. You're still very important to me, Leah, and that probably won't change," he continued gently.
"Yes, I know what you mean. Thinking about you and our time hurt a lot for days. But now there is an ache inside me that I will carry in me for the rest of my life. I know that sounds pretty theatrical, but I feel that it really will. I am broken ... I also can't say why it is, but even though we broke up, I like being around you. Maybe it's because of you being here when you shouldn't be anymore. You give me a sense of security with that. That there are things that won't break. No matter what happens. I don't want to give up that feeling," I confirmed.
"Then we are in agreement and neither of us has any hopes that will not come true. We are friends and will remain so in the future!"
"Very very good friends!", I corrected.
He nodded with a smile, and we hugged each other.
Purely amicable.
"And I speak on behalf of my brothers, too, when I say don't forget to bring the chocolate on Friday!"
"If I do, predators will chase me through the forest. That's enough incentive not to forget it," Marcus said.
I nodded - with deadly seriousness.
Tuesday morning I spent with Esmé, Carlisle and Ced.
Mom was in Portland with her professor.
I felt a little stronger than the day before, but at the same time still weak. Esmé had supervised my morning human routine more as a precaution, but it had not been necessary. I was allowed a little more food. If this kept up, I'd probably be allowed to eat normally again by Thanksgiving, and it was only January 28. So that would be a long time away. But what Esme, me, and Ced conjured, compensated a bit for it.
Peanut cookies, warm chocolate cake with ice cream still frozen in the middle, an exotic fruit salad with lychees, papaya, and something else I couldn't pronounce.
Between the goodies, I discussed with my grandparents.
"I will miss Esmé's goodies, but you can quietly travel to your island. I'm well enough and getting better every day. I can take care of Ced by myself on Thursday while Mom is in Portland. If need be, David or Sonya can come over or Ced can stay with them for a couple of hours in case I get too shaky. Because I feel really bad that you guys are giving up your vacation just because of me! You have more than earned it!", I said repeatedly.
When Dad arrived at noon, he supported my view. But they were only convinced when Mom was also at home.
"If you need us, we'll come back promptly!" stated Carlisle emphatically before they left our house that afternoon.
They were in a hurry. Their flight, which Dad had booked without further ado, left Boston in less than three hours.
When school was over, all of Dad's siblings came over instead. Jake and Becky - after practice was over. Zoey was there briefly. David with Emma and Cookie - on the way back from a walk.
The trouble was too much for me and I let myself be taken to my room.
In the meantime I could move quite well again, even without getting dizzy from standing up too fast, but I still didn't dare to go up the stairs alone.
I had fallen asleep early.
Crying and looking at the picture of Nanuk.
On Wednesday, I was feeling downright fantastic physically.
At this thought, Dad raised an eyebrow very skeptically at the breakfast table.
"I'm hungry!", I added to my thoughts - energetically and challengingly.
"Okay," was all Dad replied.
One little moment I was flabbergasted. The next moment I had already half eaten a buttered roll and put plenty of scrambled eggs on my plate.
Dad laughed at me, but let me eat.
I enjoyed my extensive breakfast while everyone gradually headed out.
All of them - including Mom. She had to go to Portland again today.
She had already explained this to me yesterday, in detail, because it honestly interested me. Biology, after all. I loved listening to Mom talk about her work, or now her doctoral thesis. Something - what, I didn't remember - had to be in a protein-containing liquid for twenty-four hours to prove a corresponding effect. Professor Stewart and she had prepared that yesterday, and in just over an hour the time would be up. But it wouldn't take her long to do the appropriate examination and she would probably be back in a good two hours, but then she wouldn't be driving to see him again until next week.
Chewing, I wished her good luck and scraped the last bit of cereal out of my bowl while I was already peering at the next dish.
The rest of the curd with fruit. Next to it was also a butter croissant, that just waited for me.
I ate it walking when our favorite neighbors came by to sort of pick me and Ced up. It wasn't so much that they didn't trust me to watch the shorty alone for two hours. It was more that I wasn't supposed to be alone.
But after my breakfast feast I was glad about this paternalism. Because I was lying on the sofa by Sonya and David and felt as if I could roll. But at least I didn't throw up. So I would have been very sluggish to deal with Ced.
David, by the way, had not refrained from laughing at me for it either.
That's how far I was physically. Emotionally, however, it was quite different.
I thought a lot about Nanuk. Very much. I felt the burning in my chest continuously, but today it hurt. The emptiness that came with it. It felt so bleak inside me that I almost wished I was back in my darkness. But then I wouldn't get to see Ced and Sonya kneading some dough together with their hands. How Ced tasted it and shook himself cutely in response. It was sourdough. How Mom soon got here and how Cookie jumped up at her tirelessly until he was finally greeted appropriately in his opinion. How she clumsily banged David's head as they tried to give each other their usual kiss. How Ced expertly examined that little bump. How Dad really examined that one. Over the top! How Emma was back from kindergarten - David picked her up from there like every day - and how she told about her morning without a dot or comma. She even almost forgot about lunch. How Dad, Ced, David, and Emma took Cookie for a short walk in the woods. Cookie knew very well that he was not allowed to go out without a leash. So the little dog had the leash in his muzzle and walked with himself, so to speak. In my darkness, I would have also missed Sonya and Mom sitting down with me. A little round alone among women, talking about losses we had experienced. It was sad on the one hand, but on the other hand I saw that I was not alone in my pain. In theory, I had known that. Practically, however, it was an almost liberating feeling to talk about it. I probably wouldn't have walked back between my parents to our house in the afternoon either. Ced in front, in his thick snowsuit, looking like an Eskimo. That Ced liked snow was hard to miss. All little scenes that brought a slight smile to my lips, but it never reached my heart or soul.
When Jake was back after school - with Becky, of course - I felt a bit complete again.
I had hardly seen him yesterday, when one visitor after another had come to our house and I had withdrawn.
It was kind of silly, but I had missed him.
He noticed my strange mood and just sat with me on the sofa.
That alone did me good.
Sometime after dinner - it had to be well past eight by now - I sat on my bed and again peeked only at Nanuk's picture.
I didn't cry for a change, but just looked at it, stroking my fingers over the photo and the frame. I was almost startled when there was a knock at the door.
I had just been so much in thought. In reminiscent thoughts. Memories that would never come to life again.
"Are we disturbing you?" asked Dad timidly.
I shook my head and put the picture back on the nightstand.
"Your brother wanted to bring you something," he said, gesturing to the floor with a nod.
I smiled. Ced crawled around the corner of the door and on toward me. Very slowly, as he pushed a plate in front of him. I leaned forward as he reached my bed. He sat down and lifted the plate toward me. With an oversized muffin on it, which almost tumbled off.
"What service!", I praised and gave my little brother a kiss on the forehead.
And shared the muffin with him. That's probably all he was after.
Dad sat down with us, too.
"Ced insisted on bringing it to you all by himself without any help," Dad remarked, all proud Dad.
"And how long were you out for?", I asked the little man, chuckling.
From his embarrassed and annoyed look at the same time, I gathered that it had taken much longer than he had imagined.
"It's been great to watch at times, too," Dad whispered, taking Ced's hand and nodding invitingly.
I did the same after giving Ced another piece.
After all, Ced's gift didn't just work between lovers. He created the spiritual connection between everyone he touched. That's how Dad showed me how Ced did it.
He looked hilarious as he picked up the plate in the kitchen and seemed to be trying to figure out how to get around now. After all, he needed both legs and both arms to crawl. He had rigorously refused help. So he pushed it in front of him, inch by inch.
I started laughing when Ced arrived at the stairs.
He had apparently forgotten them in his plan. As if it were at least Mount Everest, Ced looked up the stairs. Step after step was laboriously climbed. Lifting the plate up a step, pulling himself behind. With Dad as his constant companion. The muffin had rolled off the plate a few times, but Dad had retrieved it each time. Reaching the top of the stairs, Ced first paused for a little while, apparently checking to see if it was still edible. So that's why a little corner had been missing!
I let myself fall back on the bed laughing.
But other than Ced's effort, I had witnessed other things as well.
What was going through Dad's head at the same time was really huge. Wolves, however, could cope better than Mom. He thought of quite banal things. What he would make for breakfast tomorrow. That he would get Ced into a fresh pair of pajamas right away. That he'd have to fill up on the way to school tomorrow. But then, a vampire mind wasn't busy with that. I heard the worries he had. Exaggerated ones! The worry about his family. That Mom continued to ride the motorcycle in wind and weather. That Ced had not shown any progression for several days. Becky had a headache. The worry about me. I had been doing pretty well for a day or two. I had smiled and smirked more often than not. But today I was very introverted and quiet. Thoughtful and melancholic. Well, right now I was still laughing because of Ced's action.
"I like you a lot better the way you are now!", Dad therefore said to my current mirth and leaned towards me a bit.
Ced also crawled onto my belly to get a good look at my laughing face apparently.
And where you couldn't get around it with Dad at all was the love in all his thoughts. To all of us!
"I am fond of you, Dad!", I said therefore, responding to his thoughts.
"Me too, Little one!" he replied with feeling, giving me a gentle kiss on the forehead.
"I know. I saw it," I smiled at him.
"Jake wants to make his rounds. Would you like to try phasing again?"
"Are you coming?"
"Of course," he replied, as if it were a matter of course.
So I nodded.
They all stood on the terrace and watched me.
Mom seemed pretty scared, too. I hadn't forgotten what Jake had told me. His transformation when he had followed me into the woods on Thursday. How he had felt about it. In that sense, I was scared, too.
"Don't rush it. You have all the time in the world," Dad reassured me as I sat there already undressed and concentrating.
It had been nine days since I had last been a wolf. Until then, I had had no difficulties with it at all. I controlled the animal in me, not the other way around. But today it felt strange that I could do that.
"Don't be afraid. You can do it, Leah," Jake encouraged me.
He squatted in front of me and held my face in his hands. His gaze was compassionate and understanding.
I nodded.
I was a wolf. Nobody had turned me into one, I had not learned it first, but it was because of me in my blood! So I listened to my innermost being, searched for the fire, found it almost immediately and phased. I was a wolf! ...
And I buckled.
My strong paws were probably more like velvet paws. Everything felt heavy. Even my fur was super heavy!
So I lay on my side for a moment, breathing consciously and mentally sorting out my limbs.
My wolfish limbs.
Jake had also transformed and was sitting in front of me, rubbing his muzzle against mine. Over our thoughts, he built me up.
He thought I should take it slow. I should take the time I needed to be able to rediscover the animal for myself. He would know how heavy I was feeling, but it would get better. I just shouldn't give up. And since I hardly trusted anyone as much as I trusted my twin brother, I trusted him even more now. He thought, turning to Dad, that he shouldn't help me. That I would have to make it on my own and that I could do it without any problem. I was an alpha animal! I was born to be a strong wolf. And exactly that I also wanted to be.
I picked myself up. Slowly and ponderously, until I stood on all my paws. I shook myself. I wanted to shake the heaviness away, but I couldn't. I took one cautious step after another. Rather, I clumsily plodded through the area. But it went okay and it really got better with every step. The forest seemed huge to me, even though I knew pretty much every single tree in it.
But we didn't run for long. It had been exhausting all in all, so I was glad to lay in my bed later. I fell asleep immediately and I slept soundly until the next morning.
Until Dad sat on the edge of my bed.
"Good morning, Little one," he woke me up as usual. With coffee by my bed - finally again - and a kiss.
However, I felt similar to yesterday.
Physically almost like before, mentally the burning in my heart pulled me down.
So I lay in my room after breakfast. I didn't want to be coddled by Mom and be asked regularly how I was doing. I grabbed my thriller from the nightstand, but I couldn't get into the story today. There wasn't really anything on TV either, but somehow I got stuck on a documentary about whales.
Beautiful animals. Somehow. But somehow also quite ugly. So huge and clumsy.
Thereby I had actually fallen asleep again, although I had not been tired at all.
Around eleven o'clock in the morning I woke up again.
It was very quiet in the house. And I was hungry.
There was actually no one there, as I discovered on my way to the kitchen.
Maybe Mom was out running errands or doing something, I thought, and just shrugged my shoulders. It occurred to me that I really had no idea what Mom did without her work all day while we were at school. Other than keeping Ced entertained.
I took an apple while looking out of the kitchen window ...
The forest ... Infinite expanses ... Snowy expanses. Seemed somehow inviting.
I also felt like moving. So not thinking twice, undressed, but took a backpack with me to pack my clothes, cell phone, and wallet. I didn't know where I was going, but it was better that way than being unprepared. Finally, I was hungry, but our refrigerator didn't have anything I was hungry for.
I left a note on the dining room table for Mom.
I had not forgotten that I had left the house once before without a word and that everyone had been worried and looking for me.
Actually twice, but the last time exactly one week ago I remembered differently as all the others. I wasn't planning on doing anything to myself today, or possibly jumping off a cliff. I just wanted to get out into the wilderness and move. Maybe shake off the burn.
So I wrote that Mom should not worry and that I would definitely come back. I just wouldn't know exactly when that would be. Today in any case. I also wrote that I had my cell phone with me. And that I loved her.
I ran and ran without really having a goal. Nevertheless, I found myself at the lake.
For a long time I sat on the dock to the water.
Exactly where Nanuk and I had made love.
I cried, mourned Nanuk, reviewed this experience.
But it only hurt me more to imagine it.
I took a deep breath of the clear cold air.
Only looking forward was important. Not back.
So I set off again and continued to run through the forest.
Thank you for reading!
