Italy, Volterra. -
Jasper stared at himself in the mirror, the face staring back at him was one he could no longer recognize, the devil stared back at him.
He hung his head and squeezed his eyes shut, he can still feel the adrenaline coursing through his veins from Alec's gift, the blistering acid on his forearms from where he had ripped the skin apart, the wild emotions down the hall, it felt like he had started a fire, a fire eager to burn his skin off.
He hadn't meant to.
But Aro needed to know about Caius' dangerous obsession with the hybrid, she was no danger, she didn't deserve to be harmed, much less killed.
So if protecting her meant throwing himself under the bus too then so be it, he had told Aro about his and Caius' secret visit to the Cullens.
Of course the man hadn't been happy.
No one went behind his back, much less by questioning him. He gave a verdict and he expected it to be taken seriously. What if it got out that the Volturi couldn't even trust each other? Much less Aro's verdict?
Yes.
Caius got punished, more like he got tore a new one.
Jasper was the one who got fucked up, Aro had no trouble ensuing physical punishments. He couldn't understand though, he did something good, right? But by the outside eye, by Aro's standards… it wasn't, but he didn't do much, so why was he still the one who got it worse?
He was trying, he was trying with each fiber in his being to be a good soldier, but it was as if he no longer held the ability to do so.
He wanted to be good.
He wanted to find his place in this world.
But it was so hard God.
He's never been good at being good, even if his past has long ago begun tasting bitter he still couldn't be better, couldn't bring himself to do more. He wielded an iron fist to hide behind, because if not, that would be weakness.
And weakness meant death.
But he's been cold, merciless for too long. He no longer knows how to be anything else, and still, the blood on his hands haunts him.
He shut out too many lights, caused way too many bruises, he's committed way too many horrors in his life.
He was stained, corrupted, floating, sinking into a pit of darkness.
Drip.
Venom dripped on the tiles beneath him, down the sink, down his arms, skin refusing to knit itself back together until he straightens out the worse pieces of torn flesh. His arms are throbbing with vengeance, his fingers grip the sink so hard ceramic cracks under his grip.
"Have you'd enough?"- The Major's voice catches his attention and he turns to look at the reflection in the mirror, jaw set tight and a blazing pitch black glare meets him.
-Shut up.- He mutters, he can't deal with this right now.
"Seriously, if I'd known this was how it was gonna be, I wouldn't have let you pull us into this mess."- The Major speaks up, ignoring him, he stares him down as he says those words and Jasper feels heat curl in his chest.
-Shut. Up.
"How long are you gonna let 'em do this to us? How long are you gonna be their dog? With María at least we'd respect, we'd our dignity, but look at us now, we wear a fuckin' muzzle! You know who wears muzzles?! Pets Jasper, that's who!"
-Shut up!- He snaps, fist connecting with the mirror, glass exploding into a million pieces that rain both onto the sink and onto the floor. Silver shards scattered all over the floor, but not even that shuts the voice up.
"You're lettin' a goddamn brat control us! Bowin' down to someone who would've been beggin' for his life any other day if I'd a say in it!"- The Major's shouts echoes in his head, his ravenous snarl staring back at him from the multiple shards on the ground.
Jasper steps back until his back hits a wall, sliding down the wall until he's sitting on the ground, covering his ears even though he knows it won't shut the voice.
"I should rip the stupid little bastard's head off and play soccer with it! See how he likes havin' his sanity fallin' apart!"
-No! It's not his fault, he's just doing what he's being told! You can't touch him!- Jasper orders, the idea alone of The Major killing Alec, a child, it's enough to make panic seize him, it's not the kid's fault, he just got turned by a manipulative jerk and had an evil bitch for a sister.
He wasn't evil, he shouldn't have to suffer a death at The Major's hands.
He was just being a good soldier, like Jasper himself tried so desperately to do every single day.
"Then I should go for the little bitch, bet her fear will be like swimmin' through the emotional sea of the newborns from the South. She thinks herself mighty, the queen, but I can't wait to destroy her stupid pedestal."
-No, she's just a child. Aro's corrupted her mind, no child could ever be so evil on their own.- He hates Jane, but even he can see it wasn't completely her fault for having turned out the way she did, something horrible must have happened for her to be so evil.
"She's an evil little witch! She might as well have been born a psychopath!"
-You're not one to talk. You're a demon too, evil, you prey on the weak and take joy on bringin' pain to others, you torture and you destroy.
"All I ever did I did it to protec' us! Don't you dare forget you're the one who created me! You're the one who made sure I was successful on each strike! You're still sane because of me! I've been the one who's kept you safe and taken on the worst of the pain, it's my job to protec' you and I'll do anythin' I've to do to make sure you stay alive!"
Jasper growled in frustration, fingers digging into his skull, the stench of venom was thick in the air, making his breathing grow ragged as he fought against the tears. He couldn't deal with The Major's brash mood right now, couldn't he just shut up?
"Jasper!"
-Shut up, please, just… please shut up.- His voice breaks as he pleads for some quiet, head buried between his knees.
And quiet is what he receives.
He sits there for God knows how long, the sudden light knock at the door making him jump, muscles locking on instinct when he feels the familiar emotional signature.
Alec.
The kid doesn't speak.
He never does.
But as Jasper hears his retreating footsteps he knows what he will find outside.
It's such a macabre ritual he thinks as he stands up, receiving a gift from his torturer as if to mock him, or to tell him he did great at being tortured.
It makes his stomach twist.
And still.
He finds some solace in the fact that the kid at least feels bad enough to feel like he needs to give him a silent apology.
At least he isn't like his psychotic sister who can rip open a child her "same" age and grin as she does.
As he leaves the bathroom and steps into his bedroom he catches sight of a small odd shaped horse, small enough to fit under the door, just like the other ten horses and animal toys he had, this one had a white coat with several brown spots on the face and hind legs, this one is in a resting position, he picks it off the floor and puts it with the little herd on the desk.
He stares at the herd for a long moment before a particular intense pulse on his arms catches his attention, he looks down at his forearms, still dripping venom, refusing to heal, and even those bits who had begun healing are slow.
His healing is slow, doesn't surprise him, he isn't been in pristine condition for a long time, he wasn't sure when did it happen, when it began, nor even tahe reason for it, but he was no longer as strong as he used to be, nor as fast, his reflexes, his healing, all of it was slow, even his mind had grown slow.
He hated it.
Caius said it was because he had grown soft, which he guessed he had, in the South, The Major had been The Major.
But Jasper had been The God Of War.
He was the brains and The Major the muscles.
He was the one who thought about the strategies for their unbreakable record of victories, nurturing gifts and particular attributes in the newborns he trained, disciplining those who stepped out of line and making sure there was absolute obedience.
People bowed down to him.
Now he was the one who bowed.
Pathetic.
If María or Peter could see him now…
He glanced outside, watching the night. His chest ached, but this time no amount of hours watching the stars or sitting at the park would help to sooth this feeling not even he could describe.
He felt like he needed to breathe, not in this air, somewhere else, less constricting, less thick.
And thus.
He found himself wrapping his arms in bandages before putting the muzzle back on, this before opening the window, and with practiced stealth he climbed down the balcony, making sure there were no witnesses around, not human, not vampire, this before letting himself fall.
He might be rusty, but his landings were still as silent as death, same as his footsteps, as María used to say, stealth was a vampire's greatest ally.
That's how he found himself, not for the first time, sneaking out of Volterra, he ran across the streets, wanting, needing to get as far as possible from this place that right now felt as if it were strangling him.
And in a desperated attempt to escape the air he threw himself into the ocean, he didn't swim, he hated swimming, hated the feeling of lightness it came from it, it reminded him too much of Alec's gift.
He walked across the bottom of the ocean, the temperature and pressure so intense he could feel the ice and the salt sticking to his skin, eyes and hair like frost. At first it was dark, and quiet, so quiet, but he wasn't alone. Some creatures swam past him, he could feel it in the vibrations from the water around him, some bigger than others, than himself even.
But none approached.
Not because he was a predator.
But because he was not edible.
The more he walked the less he could feel the weight on his chest, vampires had excellent night vision, but considering the layer of salt and ice on his eyes at the moment, he let his hearing lead him, the vibrations through the water, beneath his feet, even the pressure helped him navigate through the darkness.
He didn't knew for how long he walked, he was pretty sure he walked through a shipwreck at some point, as the temperature began rising and the pressure diminishing he regained his eyesight, light began creeping in, and soon, he was walking among reefs, corals, anemones, he was careful to not step where he shouldn't, all these colors, all this quiet life…
It helped sooth some of the remaining weight, he sat on a boulder, crossing his legs and resting his hands on his knees, watching the peaceful scenario around him, the vibrant colors from the fish, the seashells, the corals, the crabs, the sea stars, the lulling heartbeats, the vibrations across the water, the whispers from the sand as the ocean lifted it, some fish brushed against him, not registering him as a living being as he sat as still as a statue.
A dolphin swam past him, its vibrant blueish skin standing out like a mosaic as the sunlight shone upon the surface, brighter, bathing the reefs with its warmness.
All but him.
He still felt cold, so cold.
He patted a shark that got too close, stroking the muzzle and redirecting its swimming path, he pulled the cloak closer, leaving it floating to its heart's content was nothing but screaming "I'm alive, catch me" for predators.
The last thing he needed was a shark mistaking him for food and shattering its teeth.
He had no heartbeat nor blood flow, no warmth, nothing to come off as a living being, but sharks would eat just about whatever, alive or not.
He sat there for a bit longer, relaxing and just forgetting about the world.
And then he took in a deep breath, a reflex for a sigh, vampires didn't need to breathe, but that didn't meant having one's useless lungs filling with water was pleasant.
He was quick to leave his comfortable spot and swim towards the surface, moving in the water was tricky, even for a vampire, mostly because of the weight of their marble-like organs and bones, and general body tissue.
So he had to bear the tight chest and the burning lungs, he wouldn't drown, but the feeling wasn't pleasant.
As he broke through the surface he broke into a coughing fit, yanking the muzzle off as his body expulsed the water from his lungs, keeping himself afloat was a challenge, but he managed, and once his lungs were free of water he swam up to ashore.
He didn't stop until he could feel solid ground beneath him, wet sand between his gloved fingers, muzzle hanging around his neck as he spat one last mouthful of salted water.
He dropped on the ground before rolling on his back to stare up at the sky, the sun was shinning bright upon him, fluffy clouds swirling around, his arms outstretched at his sides, waves reaching his neck with each slow end. He was still too close to the water, waves covering him when crashing ashore.
He paid no mind to it.
He was exhausted, he just wanted quiet, he closed his eyes, breathing deeply, salt, ocean, he could hear the seagulls cawing, flapping wings, webbed little feet walking on damp sand, he could hear the waves breaking ashore, the sizzling foam…
He must have drifted off because next thing he knows there's the echo of laughter in the distance, several footsteps, loud heartbeats, humans. He's quick to get up and bolt into the forest, climbing a tree to watch from above as a group of teenagers with fishing gear walked past, three girls and four boys, the two red heads' similarities giving the feeling of being related.
Their emotions are fresh, amusement, joy, ease, familiarity…
And a little part of him burns with jealousy, how would it feel like to have that kind of bond with people? Someone to make life less empty, less lonely, friends, siblings, a mate…
But that's a child's dream.
In this world, as a vampire, happiness was as easy to find as it were for humans.
Vampires were apex predators, never quite trusting each other, kind of like a pack animals, would tear each other's throats if given the chance.
Finding someone to trust was like finding a needle in a haystack.
Almost impossible.
He pulled the muzzle back on before dropping off the branch and disappearing into the forest.
He walks without a concrete goal in mind, the breeze making the branches dance and the leaves rustle, his clothes are soaked and his hair is dripping, but he could care less.
It's not until he comes across a sign that he realizes where he is.
Forks.
Odd.
He hadn't meant to come here, he had thrown himself into the ocean without a single plan in mind, just the burning desire to escape Italy, to get as far away from the Volturi as possible, needing space, air, quiet.
Forks…
Right where the Cullens were at.
The beautiful pixie that made him breathe easier.
And against his better judgement he finds himself tracking down the Cullen's house, he scouts out the perimeter to be sure he won't come across a soul.
And then he approaches the house, he keeps a safe distance, he knows the mind reader won't be able to read his mind, María had long ago taught him how to keep mind readers out of his head.
He keeps himself on a branch on top of a tree, watching from afar, part of him did feel curious about this coven, their life seems so… peaceful, no fights, no threats, no pain, no death.
All of them seem to follow Carlisle Cullen, not as a leader, but as a friend, a sort of father figure. So weird… Was he the one who taught them about the animal blood? With what motive? To not kill humans? To pose as humans? Was their desperation to be human that big? He couldn't understand.
The beautiful pixie… he feels like a stalker as he watches her, she's outside, sitting on the roof of a car and talking animatedly with the blonde woman, the giant's mate. He can't remember the names, though, in fact, he is pretty sure he's never heard them before.
He knows the mind reader is Edward.
The shield is Bella.
The hybrid is Renesmee.
The coven leader is Carlisle.
And of course, the beautiful pixie is Alice.
But the giant, the blonde woman and the coven leader's mate… he has no idea what their names might be.
He finds himself smiling as he watches the pixie's smile, she looks so happy, so comfortable, as if she had no worries in the world, no reason to be sad, no reason to be afraid.
He wonders how that felt.
As the hours tick and evening hits he finds himself forcing his attention to snap, he needed to go back to Volterra before his absence was noticed. He dropped off the branch, landing with a whisper on a pile of leaves.
As he starts walking a sound catches his attention, bushes rustling.
And then a deer emerges from it.
The deer stares at him.
He stares back.
He doesn't know why he does it, but one moment he is staring at the deer and next thing he knows he's pouncing at the deer and piercing its ribcage with his hand, a high-pitched scream leaving the animal as his fingers curl around its rapidly beating heart before he tears it out, crushing it between his fingers.
The animal drops to the ground lifeless, a pool of blood beginning to grow underneath it from the hole he just created in its ribcage.
He drops the crushed heart on the ground before staring down at his bloodied gloved hand. He takes the muzzle off before taking a whiff of the blood, the smell is dull and not in the slightest tempting, and still.
He dares to take a lick.
Unlike the smell the blood does have a more intense taste, it's foul, bitter and it leaves a dried-like feeling at the back of his throat, it makes him gag and spit out the residual blood in his mouth with a disgusted grimace.
The sudden amusement that floods the air makes his hairs stand on end, even more so the following silver bells for laughter.
He jerks the muzzle back up before spinning around with a growl that catches at the back of his throat as she steps out from among the trees.
The pixie.
He hadn't even felt her approach until she was literally there. How did she sneak up on him?
But her emotions weren't hostile, in fact, all he could feel from her was amusement, giddiness, calm, and something else he couldn't quite decipher.
-I wouldn't suggest an herbivore as a first drink, you should try a mountain lion.- She tells him, an easy smile playing on her lips. She glances down at the deer, a flicker of pity.- And you shouldn't kill them so cruelly, they are food, but it doesn't mean they should suffer, they deserve a quick and painless death.
-They're not food.- He finds himself saying.
-Of course they are, vampires need blood, but it doesn't mean they necessarily need human blood to survive, animals have blood too and it's less problematic to get, they won't scream, they won't beg you, and you won't have to wonder if they left family behind, animals are more adaptable on that aspect.- Alice told as a statement.
She had been watching him since he was in Volterra, she saw him at the bottom of the ocean, saw him at the beach, and saw him watching the house, she tried to not let herself be absorbed with her visions, had instead sat outside with Rosalie, she was curious about what had led him here after the whole mess in Volterra.
But she hadn't expected him to kill a deer let alone try its blood, his disgusted face was priceless, blood from an herbivore as a first drink when tasting animal blood for the first time was the worst choice.
He was staring at her now with an indecipherable look, the fact alone that she had him infront of her with his attention on her was enough to make her stomach flutter, and his voice was so much more softer in person.
-I should leave.- He mutters, suddenly avoiding eye contact, he looks so miserable, Alice wants nothing more but to pull him into a hug and assure him he wasn't alone, he did had someone who cared about him, who loved him more than he might ever imagine, that everything is gonna be alright.
But she doesn't.
Because she knows she can't.
To him, she's nothing but a stranger.
-Don't you want to try the mountain lion?- She ends up saying instead.- I promise I won't tell anyone, it's alright to be curious, it's not a crime.
He doesn't answer.
And then.
-I don't think that's a good idea…- And with that he starts his retreat, watching him leave feels like a piece of her heart is being torn, and she has to restrain herself from grabbing him and stopping him.
-Alright then, but if you change your mind, I'll be here waiting!- She calls after him, putting as much excitement as she can in her emotions, giddiness, honesty, ease, hope.
As he disappears she bites her lip, blinking the blurriness for her vision away.
She hates this.
~
Forks -
To Alice's surprise, he does come back, not even three days later.
She's sitting cross legged at the bank of the river, picking out marbles she intends to use to make Renesmee a giant fish tank, the girl loves the sea and the fish.
So Edward and Bella are planning on getting her a fish tank to put at the living room in their cottage, Alice was allowed to work on the fish tank's decoration because even the fish deserved a wonderful little home.
That's when she feels a presence behind her, no footsteps, no smell, no noise at all.
Just a presence.
She would have attacked had she not recognized the pin prick edge in the air.
Other vampires wouldn't catch it, but as someone who knew what the Volturi were doing, she did.
Vervain.
She looked up behind her and right to her suspicion, there he was.
Jasper.
Red met gold.
A grin broke out across her face as happiness seized her.
-You came!- She sprang up without a second thought, startling him into taking a step back.
He didn't answer, he just shrugged.
She doesn't let that bother her, she needs to make the best of this, if she can teach him that animal blood isn't that terrible, that animals won't cause him pain with their emotions, if she can get him to want this diet, she might be able to steal him from under the Volturi's noses.
If she can befriend him, right now she doesn't care about whether he grows to love or even like her, all she wants is for him to learn he can survive off of another blood without pain.
And if she can befriend him at least, she might be able to show him he won't be alone if he leaves the Volturi, she will never harm him, never put him in chains or muzzles, she wouldn't dehumanize him in such terrible ways, he could live a peaceful life, he didn't need the Volturi, he didn't need to suffer. She would always be there for him, stand up for him, protect him with her soul.
She just needs to do this right.
And with some hope, she would be able to catch his curiosity, enough to make him keep coming here.
Thus.
She grinned.
-Come on, let the expert teach you how to hunt a sneaky big ol' cat.- She said, walking past him, she could collect the pebbles later, right now, she had a vampire to lure.
Meanwhile, Jasper followed after Alice, he had been debating on whether if to come or not, wondering if she had been truthful about waiting for him, or if she had been joking.
But he wanted to see her again, and he did feel curious about the animal blood.
So he ended up sneaking out of Volterra again.
She regarded him with such trust, such calm, such ease… it was like nothing he had ever seen, she smiled, spoke and moved with such grace it was like watching a beautiful swan, whenever she twirled the skirt of her blue dress would spin with her in the most enticing manner, he liked blue, it reminded him of the sky, and it went great with her pale skin and her dark hair, matching beautifully with her stunning golden eyes.
She was like a goddess.
Diamonds kissing her skin whenever the breeze let the sunlight leak through the canopy of trees.
He was aware he was staring, but she seemed more focused on telling him about the giant bear who had thrown Bella into the lake last week. Her voice was melodic, high in pitch but not enough to grate on people's nerves, it was more of a pleasant pitch, the echo of chiming bells that merged with the wind.
He had no idea the reason for her to trust him with such ease, to treat him as if she had known him all her life, but he could care less when her presence felt like a gulp of fresh air after being held underwater for too long.
Would he be allowed to visit her again? He could use as an excuse that of wanting to try another animal. Or would she be uncomfortable with the idea of having to spend time around a Volturi? He wouldn't be surprised if the Cullens were to despise the Volturi.
Him above all.
He killed the little newborn the coven leader and his mate had wanted to keep.
Or well, The Major did, but the point still stood.
He was also with the same people who threatened the life of one of their own more than once.
First the shield, Bella.
And then the hybrid; Renesmee.
He was also with the people who had tried to kill her and her… friend? Brother? Coven mate? He had no idea how to put the bonds between them.
The giant had held the stance and expression of a brother protecting his sister when Jasper had been staring at Alice.
But she wasn't his sister, right? She wasn't even Carlisle's creation, so what bound her to them?
Suddenly, the pixie came to an abrupt halt, she turned around and grinned, she then pointed ahead on the left, he glanced at where she was pointing and let his hearing do the job.
Whispering footsteps, steady heartbeat.
Predator.
Quick footsteps, rapid heartbeat.
Prey.
-A mountain lion is coming, it's chasing a herd of deer, ignore the deer.- Alice informed, he gave her a short nod.
-Understood.- He looked so utterly serious as he spoke Alice had to bite back a smile. She had felt his stare, had made a point to keep a slow pace, she knew he wasn't indifferent to her, that was good, meant she could get him to not run off or disappear completely on her.
As she said before, she just had to make things right.
-And remember, make it quick and clean, it's an animal, yes, but it's still a living being, it still feels pain and fear like any other living being, it deserves respect and kindness, it's dying so you can live, the least you can do is make its death quick and painless.
-Yes ma'am.
At that exact same moment the deer burst from among the trees, wild and fast, running right past them as Alice and Jasper stepped back to give them way.
And then the mountain lion appeared.
Jasper's movements were quick as he intercepted the giant cat, his arms latching around its neck, and before this one could even think about retaliating he crushed its neck instantly, no sound but a single grunt leaving the animal as it went limp between his arms.
He looked up at the clairvoyant, her pride sizzling across his skin with an indecipherable warmth, why pride? She was even smiling as if he had just committed the greatest victory in history, it gave him a funny feeling.
-You did a great job.- Alice praised, giving him thumbs up, she hadn't expected him to be successful on the first try, mountain lions could be tricky with their claws and flexibility, but they were the best carnivore option around, at least of an acceptable size, not too small, not too big.
Perfect.
-Go on, give it a try, I promise it will taste better than the deer.- She encouraged, he gave her a troubled look for a long moment, and it took Alice a moment to realize what the reason was.
Ah.
The muzzle.
She had seen his face over a thousand times, she didn't mind his scars, those were nothing but part of him, little imperfections that spoke about his strength, on how he had survived, he should never be ashamed of them.
It broke her heart to know the Volturi were to blame for this, he had wore it to hide the scars as a request from Aro, but with time Alice had seen how he grew self-conscious about the scars, about his face, all the confidence and pride he had once held over those scars.
Gone.
All because of the persistent ill comments.
And while she wanted nothing more but to assure him she didn't mind, that he didn't had to feel shame for he was perfect just the way he was, she didn't, she would just freak him out.
Thus.
She gave him an understanding smile before turning around.
-Alright then, I won't look, don't worry, Rosalie doesn't like people watching her eat either, I understand.- She assured him.
Meanwhile, Jasper stared at Alice for a moment longer before pulling the muzzle off, he stared at the mountain lion's neck, it was weird, to kill something and be regarded with silence.
That's one of the reasons he had come back, the deer had been silent too, its emotions… nowhere to be felt, no fear, no pain, no panic, no terror, nothing.
Just silence.
Most of the time one of the Volturi were the one who killed the humans for him, but it didn't change the fact that he could still feel the deafening emotions, lingering like echoes that stuck to his skin.
He stroke the mountain lion's neck for a moment before diving down, the smell wasn't particularly good nor bad, and as his teeth sank into its flesh he felt the familiar spike in his bloodlust.
Alice had been right, unlike the deer, this blood was less bitter and more… bittersweet with a strong edge that made it bearable, it wasn't as great as human blood, it tasted weird but not horrible, and thus.
He found himself drinking to the last drop.
He hadn't fed in a while, so this quiet blood was more than welcomed.
When he was done he pulled back and grimaced as he spat the fur. A giggle came from the Cullen, amusement caressing his skin.
-Yeah, the fur isn't great, but it's not like we can rip it off, Emmett tried to do it once but he ended up tearing a chunk of the bear's skin, he ended up covered in so much blood Esme wouldn't let him step into the house and instead made him clean himself with the hose outside. The neighbors were positively horrified.
Jasper found himself snorting at the absurdity of that scenario, the pixie's emotions flaring with pride, over what? He had no idea. He put the muzzle back on before releasing the mountain lion's carcass on the ground.
-You can turn 'round.- He conceded. She turned around with a twirl, and he mildly wonders if she likes dancing or if she just likes moving around like that.
-How did it taste?- Alice questions, eager to know the answer, he frowns for a moment.
And then.
-It tastes fine… for animal blood I guess.- Her smile is so bright Jasper feels the air leave his lungs, her pride is warm, filling his chest and making him smile in return even though he knows she can't see it.
God, who was this woman? She made him feel so… comfortable, light, warm. She was like a little sun he didn't want to ever leave.
-Told you so, now, let's bury it.
-Yes ma'am.
