Jasper found the shower somewhat relaxing, it allowed him to forget about some things, and the water also soothed some of the burning wounds, his lung still burnt, and he still felt an uncomfortable feeling all over his veins.
But he still couldn't stop thinking about Volterra, Alice, even the fact that he was here.
He knew the Volturi would look for him, he knew Aro wouldn't let him go with the same ease he might have let others leave in the past, the Italian favored him too much to just give up on him.
But Jasper wouldn't go back, he refused to go back to the same people who had been poisoning him, using him. Of course he had known he was being used, he was a weapon, weapons were meant to be used.
But finding out the how had those bastards managed to keep a grip on him for so long, manipulating him into doing their bidding without protesting.
It made his venom burn.
He had thought that even if just a bit, there was still some respect between them, but it had been a lie, he had let himself into the lion's den, been chained to their orders, and he hadn't even noticed.
Pathetic.
He wanted to kill them, tear the flesh off of their bones and make them scream and beg for something sweeter than death.
But he also knew he couldn't, much less in his current state, he was pathetic, weak, how long would it take for him to be able to recover? Now that he knew there was vervain in him, had been for a long time…
He could feel the effects with a vengeful might, the weakness, the dulled senses, how could he not notice?
Had this been what Alec meant all along?
"You should choose and kill the preys you want, not let others do it for you."
Alec had told him that more than once.
And Jasper didn't listen, why should he? He never saw the issue with it, now he realized he had been too trusting, too stupid.
He should have never trusted the Volturi with anything.
One good thing about this whole mess?
At least he met Alice.
Alice…
She filled him with all kind of feelings, some of which he didn't even knew he could feel, and she liked him.
The woman he loved loved him back.
Then why was it so hard to just be okay with it? He couldn't be with her, she said she didn't mind his scars, nor his stains.
But that didn't change the fact that she might get disappointed or fed up in the long run, she didn't even knew the extent of his scars, it wasn't just his face, hands and neck.
It were his arms, his chest, his back, his torso, even his legs were marred in scars.
From both his human life and his vampire one.
There were bites, scratches, burns, gunshots, shrapnel, and even quite the several horrible scarrings from where skin had been torn and never healed quite right.
Who in their right mind would like that? Even María had found them unsettling, she never voiced it of course, but he felt it in her emotions.
She was uncomfortable.
There was also The Major, what if he came out and ended up hurting Alice? He was the kind of person who killed first and asked questions later. Jasper would never forgive himself if The Major hurt Alice.
It was bad enough he had almost ripped her head off earlier, that one at least he had managed to fix, but what if next time he can't fix it? What if he ended up hurting her in a way he couldn't fix? He was her soulmate? She loved him? What a terrible joke.
She deserved someone less broken and more of her level, she was such a beautiful soul, like a ray of sunshine.
He wasn't worth what she was risking here, but he had the feeling that even if he tried to run she would chase after him.
He sighed before stepping out of the shower, he avoided the mirror with mastered skill, drying himself off before quickly snatching the clothes sitting outside.
The clothes… he wasn't a fan of wearing clothes with other vampires' scent on them, but he wasn't about to complain right now, even so, wearing someone else's scent right now was a great way to hide himself, as if all the soaps, shampoo and God knows what else Alice had shoved at him weren't enough.
He smelt like a friggin' field of flowers.
He was quick to get dressed, throwing his Volturi's clothes alongside the necklace with the crest into the bag Alice had given him while she had been explaining to him about the soaps and the rest, he hadn't understood half of what she had said.
He couldn't understand what was the need for such unnecessary amounts of products for the skin and the hair, they were vampires, their skin nor hair would change because of some extra care.
But he guessed the smells were pleasant enough, he did like the lavender Alice smelt like.
As he stepped out of the bathroom he was met with Alice, she was holding… air dryer? Blower? He couldn't remember how was that called, hadn't even heard her come back into the bedroom.
-Blue is definitely your color, you look nice.- The compliment made something flutter in his chest and he found himself, not for the first time, feeling glad over not having the ability to blush.
-Thanks.- He mumbled, ducking his head at the odd feeling, he didn't even remember when was the last time someone complimented more than just his killing or fighting skills.
-Come on, I will dry your hair, you're gonna get your clothes wet.- Alice said, motioning to the bed, she had a light smile on her face and her emotions were at ease, thus, he did as told, coming to sit at the edge of the bed.
He didn't bother to hide his staring as he watched her move around with the hair dryer, the loud noise wasn't pleasant, but staring at her helped to somewhat quell the urge to run, she had a comb on her other hand, tugging at the occasional knots from time to time, she was humming a song he could have sworn he had heard somewhere.
She would get so close at times he needed to hold his breath and look down, hands clasped together as he dug his thumb into his palm, he wanted to touch her, wrap his arms around her once again and hold her close.
The knowledge that she loved him, that he was her soulmate, it made it so hard to keep his emotions in check.
But he had to.
A relationship between them couldn't be, he wasn't good for her.
And still, a little part of him, that selfishness that curled deep within, led him to take her hand when she put the hair dryer away, giddiness burst in her emotions, he ran his thumb over her knuckles for a moment before releasing her hand.
She didn't speak a word but her emotions were deafening, confusion, giddiness, happiness.
She ran her fingers through his hair as she combed it, it was a nice feeling that made his shoulders relax and his eyes close.
He could get used to this feeling; peace.
Even as he heard her put the comb down she kept running her fingers through his hair, massaging his scalp and making him feel more relaxed than he's ever felt.
It should alarm him to feel so… relaxed.
Strangely, it doesn't.
-Jazz?- It takes him more than he's willing to admit to process the nickname. And the second he does the second he feels like his heart wants to start beating again, lips twitching as he fights back a smile.
-Yes?- As he looks up at her he feels her hands fall on his cheeks, reminding him of the fact that he isn't wearing the muzzle even though he's got it hanging around his neck, he still doesn't feel sure about parting ways with it, not yet.
Her thumbs stroke his scars, her gaze so bright and full of emotions it makes him touch her arms, a fluttering touch that seems to be enough to make the giddiness flare back up.
-You're handsome. Scars, or no scars.
Of all things possible that was the last thing Jasper could have expected from her.
Alice knew this as she saw his eyes widen, surprise clear as day on his face, that wasn't exactly what she had been planning on telling him, she knew it would take him time to believe this, that it would take a lot of time for him to stop wearing the muzzle, he wouldn't just get over it overnight just because she told him he was beautiful.
The Volturi had done amazing at shattering his self-esteem, but she wanted to start fixing some of it by reassuring him, she knew there was more than just his self-esteem, but this was something she could easily approach unlike some other more sensitive things, other things she couldn't mention just yet, not until their relationship was stronger.
He stares at her as if she's spoken some craziness, as if he's struggling to find whether there's a lie or truth in her words, if she's just being nice, but he won't find any lie, because she's saying the truth, to her, he's beautiful, scars or no scars.
And she wishes he could see himself as she sees him.
~
Alice sat under a tree at the beach, ankles crossed, the lulling sound of waves crashing ashore filling the air, cawing seagulls, sizzling foam.
Jasper was sleeping beside her, his head resting on her shoulder.
She knew he was injured, worse than usual, she didn't knew where, but she had seen the familiar grimace as he sat down, and she could feel how unusually warm his skin felt, he had even begun shivering.
But other than that he seemed fine, but she still worried, one could never know what would the Volturi do, her feather-like touches barely got any reaction from him as she carded her fingers through his hair.
She worried about him, a lot, she glanced at his face for a moment before reaching out and pinching the hem of his shirt, tugging on it with the same care of someone dealing with a ticking bomb.
She didn't even need to pull much because soon enough she caught the heartbreaking sight of burnt skin across his stomach, it looked raw and it was even glistening silver, skin somewhat translucent, and she wondered how she had missed the ghost reek of venom.
God, what he hell had been done to him? How could he hide something like this? Suddenly, he shifted, prompting her to take her hand away, but he didn't wake up, her hand rested on his knee for a moment before she was turning her head, nuzzling his hair affectionately before resting her cheek against it.
She wanted to help him, but how? His body was full of vervain, had been for decades, there was a reason he couldn't heal as well as the average vampire, why he slept, just how much damage was there? At this point, what kind of long term effects could the Volturi's stupidity bring to him?
She sighed, at least there would be no more vervain.
Jasper slept against her up until around midnight, then he was flinching awake.
-It's alright, it's just me.- Alice is quick to assure as he pulls away from her, his shoulders tense, he stares at her for a moment before his shoulders relax, he stills looks awfully exhausted, practically still half asleep.
He seems almost lost as he looks around, she wants nothing more but to hug him, but she knows she can't, not when she doesn't know the extent of his injuries.
-You alright?- She asks, he looks at her for a moment, as if aiming to decipher something, this before leaning too close for comfort, noses bumping, she holds her breath, not sure what to think of the odd and unexpected situation.
Onyx against gold.
-Thank you.- His voice is barely above a whisper as he speaks, rough with sleep, it makes her hairs stand on end, there's such an intense spark in his gaze, one that makes her dead heart threaten to start beating again.
It's nothing like the one's she's ever seen before.
But just as quick as the spark is there as quick as it's gone.
And then he kisses her cheek.
It's so quick, nothing but a fluttering touch, and just like that he's springing up and bolting off, right into the ocean.
Leaving Alice all alone with a stupid grin on her face as she touches her cheek, and she can't help but laugh at the fact that Jasper had seriously thrown himself into the ocean to escape the potential rejection of such innocent action.
So he wasn't as averse to her as she had first thought, just afraid, well, she was the one who took the initiative in their meeting at the diner in that vision.
She could do so now too. She just had to make a point on showing him just how true her confession had been.
Still.
For the time being she had a most important question to ask Carlisle.
~
-Alice? What was it that you wanted to speak with me about?- Carlisle questioned as he watched his daughter in question, she had been sitting across from him for over a while now, she seemed rather troubled, she had requested to speak with him, alone, his studio was the closest thing to privacy one could find in this house.
And still.
She had been quiet, unnervingly so.
-Alice?
-Hypothetically speaking, how would it affect a vampire to be exposed to vervain for a prolonged amount of time?
Of all things possible that was the last thing Carlisle could have expected from Alice, she was giving him such a serious look, that's when he caught it.
The scar on her neck.
A shiver ran down his spine as his hairs stood on end.
-Alice what-
-That's unimportant, I'm fine. Just answer the question.- Alice was quick to cut off, but even if she cut him off of course Edward had read his thoughts and soon enough the door was being slammed open.
-Was it him? Where is he?!- Edward demanded, anger blazing in his gaze.
-It was a misunderstanding, stop being so overdramatic.
-A misunderstanding?! He tried to rip your head off!
-He did what?!- Rosalie's enraged voice came from downstairs alongside a mortified gasp from Esme and a curse from Emmett.
-There was a misunderstanding and he panicked, alright? No biggie. Now shut up and close the door. Yes?- She requested, she really would like Carlisle to answer her question, she knew she should have worn a scarf.
-But-
-Edward, you are my brother, and I love you, really, but you have no right whatsoever to try and stick your nose into my personal business, I dealt with it, I'm fine. Let it go.- Alice gave him a pointed look as she spoke.
"And don't you dare go looking for him Edward Cullen, because you will certainly regret it."
Edward glowered at her before leaving the studio, pulling the door shut as he did.
Alice turned back to look at Carlisle.
-Well?
-Alice… where does that question comes from?
-Nowhere, I was curious.- Alice said, shrugging, she couldn't tell the truth, not yet.- So?
Carlisle still didn't seem sure, but he still answered.
-It depends on the amount of time spent exposed to it, and the form it's as.
-Liquid, mixed with blood, a few decades give or take.- Carlisle raised an eyebrow at the oddly specifics, why did he had the feeling Alice wasn't telling him something? Why did she want to know this?
Still.
She would tell him if it was important, he trusted her, thus, he answered.
-Well, vervain is poison to us, so, for someone to survive that kind of exposition I guess it would be needed a small dose, small enough to not be noticed at first. But as time goes on, it will become harder for their venom to fight it off, and it will start messing with their abilities; strength, speed, reflexes, focus, senses, healing, it will all deplete.
Which Carlisle had to admit he found quite vile, he had seen the Volturi use that method against vampires who had a particular gift that kept Aro from finding out the true extent of their transgressions through their memories.
Some vampires could develop an immune response towards the vervain, but it was quite the rare case.
-It can also lead to spontaneous fevers, sweating, nausea, dizzy spells, and exhaustion, at times, enough exhaustion to knock them out for hours, or even alter their perception of reality due lack of sleep. There's also the bloating.
-Bloating?
-Means the vervain reaches a point where it starts accumulating in the stomach, hardening the venom in there, it makes them feel full with just about a few drops from blood when in reality they are still starving, starvation in a vampire as you know is not mild issue, but if it's a response from vervain intoxication…
-What? What happens if it's because of that?- Alice urges as Carlisle grows silent, fear gripping her stomach.
-It can come a point where due the hardened venom in their stomach they stop feeding altogether, which leads to a catatonic state, and a catatonic state will lead to the inevitable petrification of the vampire.
Petrification of the vampire.
Carlisle's words freeze Alice on the spot.
Vampires were immortal.
Yes.
And while starvation wouldn't kill them it would make them grow catatonic, a catatonic vampire… their bodies would crystallize, petrify, that could only happen if the vampire had been unmoving for years, dust petrified on their skin and eyes as a response to the venom in their bodies, their skin becoming translucent.
The vampire would grow dormant, unresponsive, nothing but feeding them blood would ever be able to get them to wake up.
But if Jasper entered this state in his current condition… would he even be able to wake up?
No.
He wouldn't enter that state, Alice would make sure of that as she was sure her name was Mary Alice Brandon.
Plus.
He was out, the Volturi could no longer poison him anymore.
-What if the exposition stops? Could that fix things? Or would there be some kind of permanent damage?- She questions, needing to know if she hadn't been late, if Jasper would be fine. Carlisle gave her an odd look, but he still answered.
-Well… stopping wouldn't fix much if the damage's been done already.
Alice's dead heart dropped, no.
-But can the vervain be removed? Will it dissipate from their stomach? Does it have to be cut out? Like a human surgery?
That last idea made her stomach twist, begging for that last one to not be it, she couldn't imagine having to cut Jasper open or let him do it himself.
It was a horrible picture.
-No, it cannot be cut out, it's fussed to their stomach, attempting to cut it out could end up causing more damage than is worth it. But if it's stopped their intake of blood would need to be increased for the venom in their stomach to be able to break the hardened vervain.
That… didn't sound that hard.
-It could be a tortuous and long process, depending on how much blood the vampire might be willing to take, but it must be done carefully too, you can't break more than the body can take for it can end up poisoning them even more.
That… Alice could do that, Jasper didn't feed much to begin with, she just needed to speak with him, explain things, and with some hope he might be able to start healing.
-But there can also be side effects.
Carlisle's voice made Alice's gut twist, she had the feeling she wasn't gonna like what Carlisle was about to say.
-Their bodies will also start catching up with the prolonged starvation, the more the wall of vervain dissipates the more their thirst will grow, to a point where it can put them in a berserk-like state, making them unreasonable and prompt to violent outbursts. Some can even grow dependent of the vervain, like drug addicts, which will just lead them back to square one.
Alice froze at Carlisle's words.
What?
The idea of Jasper growing desperated for vervain opened a new hole in her stomach, no, God please no, anything but that, he didn't deserve to pay the price for other people's stupidity, he's suffered enough.
-But that can be cured, right? I mean, humans can get cured from addictions, so vampires can too, right?- Alice was proud at how well she did at hiding the desperation in her voice, no one could know about the truth behind this conversation.
The less the Cullens knew the easier it would be to fool the Volturi.
Meanwhile, Carlisle frowned, why was Alice so desperated for these kind of answers? It couldn't be plain curiosity, right? He couldn't see it, but for what else would it be? He couldn't understand.
And still.
He answered.
-I guess it could be possible, but there's no precedence over that having ever happened. A vampire that develops an addition can't be rationalized with with the same ease as with a human, vampires have a more… heightened mind when it comes to these kind of things.
-But it is possible.
-Of course.
Alice felt relief wash over her, she could still save Jasper, there was still hope, the Volturi hadn't caused permanent damage of any kind.
-Alice, why do you ask this?
-Curiosity.- Was all Alice said as she got up feeling renewed, she knew what to do now.
She would help Jasper, and she would be with him each step of the way.
~
Jasper wakes up to a fire in his throat, and a starfish on his forehead.
He pulls it off, leaving it on the boulder before sitting up and looking around, vibrant fish swim around, and there's a blue crab moving somewhere among the anemones, it's still somewhat dark outside and he takes his time to stretch, cursing each movement.
His wounds haven't healed one bit, he knows this as the fish around him seem to almost flinch and stray far away from him, definitely having caught a whiff of his venom, most animals avoided vampires, and when they caught a whiff of their venom they would go crazy.
Jasper found out about this tidbit when he had been sitting at the park with venom dripping down his shoulder from where one of the soldiers he had been training tore his shoulder open.
A woman had been walking her dog and the second she got close to him the dog had stared straight at him before starting to bark as if the world was ending before breaking free from the leash and bolting, leaving its owner behind.
Still.
He bit back a sigh before beginning his quest.
Of walking to the next state, he promised Alice he wouldn't hunt humans in Forks, so the next state was.
He picked up several bottle caps on his walk, tucking them in his pockets, tied around his arms several broken fishing nets, and he even found a phone.
An octopus took a ride on his leg for quite a while, he pulls at the muzzle as he feels the emotional signature reach him, the shadow of a boat far above, he carefully pries to octopus off his leg before swimming up, hiding underneath the boat, fishing boat, there's one human on board.
And he can see the bait, a human fishing, staying afloat is difficult when your body is practically made out of marble, but Jasper manages, he snatches the bait, tugging on it ever so gently.
One.
Two.
As expected, the human pulls back, their excitement rippling through Jasper's skin, he doesn't release it, tugging at it harder, and harder, coaxing the human into strengthening their grip on the fishing rod.
And he kept tugging, strengthening the tugging with each passing moment.
When doubt and disappointment sizzled across, a sign that the human was about to let it go so as to not fall in.
Jasper caressed their emotions with renewed excitement, stubbornness, pride, hope, expectation, desire, refusal.
He heard a thud above followed with a curse as the human fought to bring its prize on board, boat swaying due the struggling movements.
Jasper yanked.
A muffled shout was followed by a body hitting the water, surprise and alarm seizing their emotions, Jasper wasted no time to release the bait and lung for the human.
Snatching their legs and pulling them back underwater, panic sliced his skin, panic that twisted into sheer terror as the human met his gaze.
It made his gut twist, but he shoved it down in order to grab the man's arms, keeping him from fighting before he was diving for the neck, sinking his teeth into the flesh, tearing open that deafening vein that never failed to drive him mad.
The blood is exquisite, much more so than an animal's, it's sweet with a salted somewhat rusty aftertaste, it makes him crave for more, fingers crushing bones underneath, the muffled snap reaching his ears.
He doesn't stop drinking even as he feels full, he never stops drinking when it's a human, he never can.
And when he's drained up to the last drop he pulls back, making sure to rip the human's throat out, tearing flesh apart and making it as animalistic as possible.
He also pulls his sleeves up and tears the flesh from his arms with his teeth, same as he rips open his stomach with his hands, he bites and scratches, ripping and tearing, humans have grown smart, more concerned with other people's deaths.
So.
The best was to make it seem like an animal attack over a murder. Not that DNA can be found from him, and even if there was he doesn't exist for humans right now. He's long dead.
He can feel the aftermath starting to set in as he releases the corpse, the overwhelming weight of sheer terror, the overbearing panic, the piercing desperation…
It all curls into a giant ball of hollowness that sits at the pit of his stomach, sticks to his skin like glue, making him wish he couldn't feel a thing.
He sits at the bottom of the ocean, arms wrapped around himself as he curses this damned drawback, human blood was great, but God, at what cost? But what was he supposed to do? Feed solely off of animals as Alice had suggested? He hated that blood.
But it was quiet. But it was awful.
He buried his face between his knees, letting the vibrations in the ocean lull his haunted mind, the whales' tunes, the crackling sand as the sea floor lifted it, water moving, frost sticking to his open wounds, making them sting even worse.
Pain was good, it kept him grounded.
And he sat there.
In the darkness.
Alone.
Wondering, not for the first time, if it was even worth it to keep on struggling to survive in such darkness.
~
Italy, Volterra. -
-What do you mean Jor's gone?- Aro demands as Alec comes to stand before him.- Did you look for him?
-Of course sir. He's not in his room nor at the roof, not even in the dungeons. He's gone, I have been looking for him for over two hours, and I can't find him, there's no fresh scent either.- Alec informs as a statement of fact, he had waited for Jasper to come back as he always did.
But this time around when he didn't appear…
Well, Alec had to inform Aro, there was nothing he could do about it, he couldn't lie to Aro, not to such extent, he had thought Jasper would come back, it wasn't the first time he had been disciplined with fire and it wouldn't certainly be the last.
But he didn't come back.
Had it been the last straw?
Or had Caius gone overboard? Aro had told him more than once to not test it. That Jasper couldn't heal as well and it wasn't worth it risking him finding out something wasn't right.
-I told you we should have locked him in the dungeons, he's been acting behind our backs, getting entangled with some worthless trash, and now he's gone.- Caius snaps.
-Demetri.- Aro calls, ignoring Caius' outburst. The tracker in question glances at him.
-Yes?
-Go into Jor's room and see if there's traces of the slightest unfamiliar scent. Then track it down and see who's caught his attention.- Aro orders, it didn't matter how careful Jasper was, he couldn't possibly hide everything, not from a tracker as skilled as Demetri.
Demetri for his side smirks at the order, oh, he was gonna have fun with this one, he just knew it.
-Yes sir.
And with that Demetri is gone.
Alec watches him leave with a knot in his stomach, but he doesn't react, doesn't move, he got rid of Jasper's clothes and cloak from that time, but he couldn't know if there was more, Demetri had an outstanding sense of smell, it was his gift, a tracker would see things no one else could.
He would find that scent no matter what.
And even if he didn't, he could still track Jasper down because he knew his scent, it would take him a while considering none of them knew where to look at.
But he would find him.
And there was nothing Alec could do about it.
He had his hands tied, his loyalty was with Jane, no one else.
It was on Jasper for leaving. If that person died it would be Jasper's fault, just like the couple of siblings, a weapon was not allowed to get distracted.
A distracted weapon could mean the end of the wielder.
The wielder in this case being the Volturi.
Though if Alec was being honest he couldn't see what was so special about him, the Volturi could survive without him, had been doing so before he was even in the picture.
Aro could let him go, no one had to ever find out he was alive to begin with, no one knew now, no one had to know.
But as Jane stated before.
The Volturi didn't give second chances.
Jasper was spared because Aro saw use in him, that was it.
But if he wasn't in the Volturi he had to go, no one who broke the laws could live, it was just how life was.
Then why?
Why couldn't he tell the truth?
Why couldn't he tell what he knew?
He felt sick with himself, Jane was the most important thing in his life, she was his sister, the one he loved dearly, the one he hadn't been able to protect, he had failed her before, and because he failed her she was hurt.
And because she was hurt she was forced to defend herself. If he had been there…
He wouldn't fail her now, not ever, she was all that mattered, no one else and nothing else did.
Then why was he lying to her? He was disgusting, going behind her back and doing things he knew would hurt her.
She might be a monster to all people, but Alec knew her, she was still Jane, behind all that wrath and resentment, she was still Jane, she might not pick flowers or challenge him to a race as she used to do.
But she was still there.
Behind all that rage.
Because while his rage was kept bottled up, she let hers out, burning all of those who would dare to make her feel weak.
Or because Aro said so.
Alec had liked Aro for a long time, had been grateful at him for saving him and Jane, he owed him his life, and much more for Jane's life too.
But at this point in life, he couldn't help but wish he could take Jane and leave, disappear to never be found again, just the two of them, but Jane would never leave, she loved this place, this was their home, where the first people to ever receive them with open arms were at.
Where Aro was at.
He who had saved them, accepted them when no one else did, trusted them when no one else did.
Even if Alec didn't like how he treated Jane sometimes he couldn't still see himself turning his back to him.
Because at the end of the day, he owed Aro everything.
