Forks. -
It's been almost a week since Jasper's been free from the Volturi.
And he's never felt more at peace than he's been doing, he wakes up in peace and whenever he wants, he meets with the most beautiful creature on Earth that's always waiting for him ashore.
He feeds off of humans and animals, more out of humans than animals, he's yet to decide what to do about the diet he goes by, now that he knows animals are quiet he feels quite tempted to switch.
But the taste keeps him from doing so.
And he feels horrible still. His wounds hadn't healed at all, in fact, the seemed to be getting worse, the heat making him sleep more.
He's also begun feeling all itchy and like something is seriously missing, he craves something, what? He has no idea.
But he does.
Alice told him what he should expect from the drawback of quitting drinking blood spiked with vervain, the possibilities.
He still had a hard time processing the fact that the Volturi had made him some vervain junkie.
It just made him hate them with more reason.
And Alice… beautiful Alice saw no problem with the situation, she was always there, always supportive, always cheerful, always drowning him with her warmth, ever since he kissed her cheek she had been twice as touchy, holding his hand whenever she got the chance, touching his face, carding her fingers through his hair.
She's even gotten the habit to hug him as a form of greeting and also when bidding her goodbyes.
Something he refused to admit he loved, he didn't dare to touch her as much, but he didn't had to, one single kiss on the forehead, cheek or hand was enough to make her emotions blast, as if nothing could ever make her happier than that simple action.
He liked kissing her, because her emotions were wonderful, and because her eyes would sparkle just right, giving him butterflies.
But also because she would kiss him back, she would kiss his cheeks, his jaw, his forehead, she even kissed that particular scar on his eyebrow.
The feeling of her soft lips against his skin was enough to send a thrilling feeling into his chest that never failed to make him grin like an idiot, he loved that woman.
But he also feared it.
Feared these feelings and how vulnerable he felt, he liked it, but at the same time a little part of him worried over if it was right what he was doing.
Should he be risking her? He knew the Volturi wouldn't hesitate to strike, that it was a matter of time before he was found.
And Alice knowing about him would be the perfect excuse for Aro to want to keep her.
Over his dead body. Alice would never be a Volturi, he refused to let Aro use her like that, she was no one's weapon, she didn't deserve to be in such dark world, she was a beautiful ray of sunshine, she deserved to live as carefree and happy as she was now.
Free.
And he would do whatever he had to do to ensure that.
~
Jasper woke up on top of the boulder he usually slept at, he could feel several fish inside the back of his weaving shirt, Alice had gotten him an oversized shirt, Emmett's if he remembered correctly, this so it wouldn't rub much against his injuries.
She didn't said so like that, but she implied it.
He stared at the little red crab moving about right infront of him, descending the boulder, he shifted, prompting the school of fish behind him to escape his shirt.
When he was sure it was safe to move he left the boulder, walking up to shore, there were lots of algae today, and as he resurfaced he found himself having to pick algae off his hair, shoulders and neck, he came up to shore, taking in a deep breath of the salted ocean, he was growing to like quite a lot that scent.
It was familiar, lulling, the sound of crashing waves, sizzling foam, seagulls cawing…
He brought his arms up, biting back the wince at the sting it brought from the wounds as he stretched and pulled at them, vampires didn't need to stretch, but vampires also didn't sleep.
Sleeping meant being immobile for hours, it was best to stretch the muscles and get the venom flowing, cracking the joints that might or might not have become a bit too stiff.
When he was done he let his gaze wander, it was still dark, but he could already see the first rays of light peeking out from the horizon.
A seagull flew by and a thought occurred to him.
Bird blood.
How did that taste?
He had tasted the blood of mountain lions, deer, dolphins, bear, rabbit, squirrel and a fisher.
But he's never tasted a bird's.
Seagulls fed off of sea creatures, right?
He wonders if it will be as disastrous as a dolphin's.
That's how Major Jasper Whitlock finds himself chasing after seagulls across the beach, crashing into the water at times or flat out on his face, because birds are trickier to catch than he ever thought, how did cats made it seem so easy?
He finally manages to catch one midair on his eighth attempt after deciding to take the example of cats and stalking his target from a distance.
-Gotcha.- He states, feeling triumphant as the bird screams in his hold, he gets so distracted with it that he forgets to see where he would land.
Until it's all too late.
He crashes right into a pond, seagull escaping his hold in time for a huge wave to crash upon him, leaving him covered in algae and a mouthful of salted water.
He sits up with a curse, the injuries on his side burn and he yanks the muzzle off to spit water out, pulling algae off of him, irritation curling even stronger when he hears the seagulls cawing not far from him, as if laughing at him, he glares at them before pouncing, slamming right into one and snatching its wing before it can take off.
The bird attacks his hand, but of course his skin cannot be damaged with such ease. He snaps its neck, this before sinking his teeth into its back, the blood is…
It's disgusting.
It makes his tongue itch and the texture reminds him all too well of how it felt like to drink milk that's gone so bad it's become thick enough to pass as watery pudding.
He pulls back with a gag, spitting the blood out and shuddering, his stomach twists and he feels the strong urge to throw up.
The amusement in the air makes him feel like he's living a Deja Vu, even more so when Alice emerges from the forest with her tinkling laughter.
-Seagull's blood is not good, trust me, even Carlisle would rather starve than taste a single drop of it.- Alice tells as she approaches him.
-It feels like milk's that's gone bad, and why is my tongue itchin'?- Jasper questions, he still feels nauseous, God what the hell was this blood?
-Not sure, Carlisle believes it must be some kind of averse reaction because of their feeding habits, seagulls feed off of fish, mostly, but fish live in the ocean, and the ocean isn't a particularly clean place.
-That… makes sense actually.- Jasper concedes before getting up, wiping the blood off of his mouth with his sleeve.
He looks down as he feels arms around him, Alice's giving him that bright smile that never fails to give him fluttering butterflies, he touches her face before leaning down to deposit a fluttering kiss on her forehead.
Her happiness caressing his skin like a warm blanket.
Meanwhile, Alice can't help but grin, Jasper seemed to be growing more and more comfortable with these shows of affection, after that peck on her cheek he had started kissing more, it had begun with kisses on the back of her hand, then her forehead, and then her cheeks.
It were fluttering kisses, nothing but a brush of his lips, but that feather-like touch was enough to fill her with fuzzy feelings, giddiness, it made her feel warm, safe, like nothing could ever go wrong as long as he was with her.
Hugging him was one of her favorite things too, she got to be close to him, to feel his arms around her, it was an amazing feeling.
~
-You sure this is fine?- Jasper asks as he sits under the tree, back leaning against the trunk and ankles crossed, Alice sits beside him, leaning against him.
She had brought a backpack filled with books, way too many books, and while she claimed them to be hers he had the feeling she wasn't being quite honest, all these books seemed to belong to different people with different tastes.
Who did these book belong to?
-Positive, now choose one to read, I'm bored.- Alice told, that wasn't quite the truth, she was never bored when she was with him, but she wanted him to stop hesitating and pick a book to read.
She had even brought a blanket to sit on and scatter the books on without worrying over them catching sand.
Most of the books were from Carlisle's studio, some comic books from Emmett, a few car magazines from Rosalie, a Shakespeare book from Edward and a Brothers Grimm book from Renesmee, she had asked to borrow them throughout the week, adding them up, she didn't told them it was for Jasper.
She didn't think Edward or Rosalie would be willing to let him touch a single thing that belonged to them, both of them were still being overdramatic because of the scar on her neck.
Renesmee on the other hand had given her one look before seeming to just know who was the book for, she had then proceeded to give her her favorite book.
The girl was nothing if not excited about Alice's "boyfriend" reading one of her favorite books, because yes, thanks to Emmett now even Renesmee referred to Jasper as such, she was absolutely convinced that Jasper liked Alice.
That he was her boyfriend.
She was still not sure how to feel about that title, Jasper wasn't her boyfriend, they were… she had no idea what their relationship could be regarded as, she had told him she loved him, but so far, he hadn't given her any sign that he acknowledged her confession.
And she didn't want to bring it up so as to not put him in an uncomfortable situation.
-You want me to read out loud?- His question makes her lips twitch, he was giving her such an endearing look.
-Yeah, I don't mind, I like your voice, it's quite soothing.- She told as a statement of fact, resting her chin on his shoulder and looking up at him, their gazes meeting, he stares at her with such an intense look that were she human she was quite sure her face would be burning.
And when he leans closer she feels her heart almost start beating again, it lasts nothing but a fraction of a second, their faces so close she can feel a pleasant shiver running down her spine.
But that's all he does, because he pulls back, clearing his throat and refusing to look at her as he picks up the Brothers Grimm book.
She tries to not let disappointment rise, she isn't in a rush nor will she push him, she's been waiting for him for decades, and this is already more than she could have ever expected to live with him, a kiss can wait.
Thus.
All she does is sigh before relaxing against him, staring at him as he starts reading out loud, his voice is lulling, and he looks so relaxed as he reads, the burning red from his eyes is almost hypnotizing, and if she focuses real hard she can see the ghostly glimmer of orange.
It makes her wonder, not for the first time, how would he look like with golden eyes, but she knows that that doesn't depends on her, it's up to him to make the choice, she's given him an alternative, now it was his turn to decide whether he would abide by it completely or if he would keep on living off of both.
Personally? She didn't mind which he chose, she didn't had a problem with whatever he chose to live off of, but she wished he would choose the animal diet.
Because that way he wouldn't have to suffer the repercussions that came with killing humans, he wouldn't have to suffer the bouts of depression, the suicidal thoughts… she knew he still bit himself, knew he still had episodes of depression outside the aftermath of feeding off of humans.
But he never came to her when he was like that, and she struggled a lot to not straight out pull him into a conversation he might not feel comfortable with.
All she can do is be there for him, make sure to make him know that he isn't alone, she cares about him, she loves him, she needs him, and it would sadden her very much if something were to happen to him.
She closes her eyes, taking in a deep breath and smiling as she feels him rest his head against hers.
Yeah.
She was positive he was much more happier now than he's been in a long time.
~
Jasper was through his sixth book, this time around it's Shakespeare, he's at the end of Romeo Juliet, Alice's head had at some point left his shoulder and ended up on his lap, it had taken him almost an hour to be able to focus on what he was reading.
Struggling to ignore the newfound dangerous sensations such innocent act brought, had he been human he would have been blushing and his heartbeat would have been on a marathon as he felt as if God itself was testing him.
But now he was fine, he had managed to calm himself down, he even dared to start running his fingers through her hair as he read, she was quiet, seemed rather immersed in the story.
The only reason he even kept reading it to begin with, because he honestly found Romeo and Juliet to be quite stupid, how blind did you have to be to see someone sleeping and think they were dead?
But not just that, the idiot didn't check for a pulse, or if Juliet was even breathing, nothing, he just fucking went and drank poison! And then sleeping beauty wakes up and because she's an absolute idiot too she goes and takes the poison too.
Jasper had no idea how could people find Romeo and Juliet to be such a wonderful couple, an epic example to describe romance, relationship, both were mindless idiots! Killing each other based on nothing but a sight.
But Alice seems to like their story, there's happiness in her emotions, sadness, sympathy, why? She's even got a dreamy look on her face as he looks down, she looks mesmerizing like that, and he's reminded of the fact that he had almost kissed her earlier.
But he had stopped himself in the nick of time, he couldn't kiss her, if he kissed her there would be no going back, and he didn't think he was 100% prepared for that idea.
He couldn't kiss her, not until he was sure of his feelings, did he love her or was he being blinded due how kind she's been to him? He needs more time to figure things out.
He knows she's happy by anything he's willing to give or reciprocate, she's told him she doesn't mind staying friends, but he also knows that's a lie.
She might not do it on purpose, but her actions tell him she does want more than a friendship, though at this point, what even was their relationship? He's quite sure friends aren't like this, not even the best of friends could ever be like this.
Plus.
There's the stares, he's caught her staring more than once, she never fakes innocence when caught, she just smiles.
He can feel her obliterating love, her longing, it makes him wish he could give her what she wanted, but he isn't sure she might want it.
Alice claims she loves him, that she doesn't mind the scars nor the stains, but he fears she might backtrack if she sees how damaged he is.
There's a reason he never shows up when the depression threatens to eat him alive, when he's feeling like the world is crumbling around him, reality cracking, when he struggles to grasp what's real and what's not, when he mauls his arms.
He hides from her because he doesn't want her to see how broken he is.
And still.
She's always there, with hugs that last a bit too long, hints of sadness, and she kisses his hands, gloved as they are when he's too ashamed to reveal what he's done.
It breaks his heart to know he brings her pain with his actions.
But what else can he do?
He can't stop, nor does he want to.
Pain keeps him grounded, it helps him focus when the world doesn't feel quite real anymore.
And there's also the growing signs of withdrawal, there's tremors and the never-ending nauseous feeling at the pit of his stomach.
It will get worse. He knows this.
And he hates the sole idea of Alice seeing him like that, at times, he wishes he was strong enough to leave, leave and never come back, she deserved so much more, someone less broken, less messed up.
Someone who could actually make her happy.
The sudden poke on his stomach catches his attention, there's concern tainting the air, and Alice's giving him a worried look.
-You alright?- Her voice is worried, same as her emotions. And God, she's so beautiful, so kind, how could he ever be worth of something so good?- Jazz?
-'m fine.- He answers, shielding his face with the book, if he can't see her neither can she, he wants to apologize, for wasting her time in something that might never happen.
Isn't he being a jerk by staying by her side when he might never give her what she wants? Isn't he being cruel? Just enjoying what she gives him, knowing full well what she feels towards him…
Wasn't he taking advantage of the situation?
-Jasper?- Alice's voice makes his chest twist, even more so when she sits up, she then takes the book from him and puts it aside, this before bringing her arms around him, pulling him into a hug.
He isn't quite sure if it's because of how unexpected it's or what, but it makes his chest burn, it burns to the point where it hurts, but it's not bad, he has no idea what it is.
But he buries his face into the crook of her neck, taking in a deep breath and fighting back the knot in his throat.
-'m fine.- He feels the need to tell again, voice muffled, a hand comes to rest at the back of his head.
-You are not. And that's alright.
He bites his tongue at her words, because no, it's not alright, he wasn't meant to be this pathetic, he was meant to be strong, unfazed, better than this.
But at this point in life there wasn't much left of him.
The Civil War.
The Southern Vampire Wars.
Volterra.
He was worn out, battered, exhausted, pathetic.
And now he was also a junkie? How could things get worse? How could she not see how much time she was wasting around him?
-You don't need to lie to me, you remember what I told you before, right? You are not alone anymore, I do care about you, I want to help you, but I can't do anything if you won't let me in.- Alice said, she was tired of tip toeing around him, tired of waiting for him to give the first step.
She needed him to stop torturing himself, to stop losing himself in whatever horrid thoughts he was having about himself.
He doesn't answer to her words, but he doesn't pull back from her hug either.
-You won't be burdening me if that's what you think, I would be very happy if you were to let me show you that there's more than just darkness and pain in life. You don't need to suffer alone, I'm here for you, and I'm not going anywhere regardless of what you might think.
-You should, 'm not a good fit for you, you're wastin' your time.- The answer caught Alice off guard, she hadn't expected him to answer her, let alone like that.
But at least that showed her that a little part of him was willing to engage.
-That's up for me to decide, not you, and I say you're worth every single second of my time, I care about you and unless you give me a fair and extremely detailed reason on the why, I'll never leave you, so, sorry, but you're stuck with me.- Alice told as a statement, she heard him huff, his breath against her neck.
-You shouldn't sound so proud about that.
-Because you are no good, I know, but let me tell you something.- Alice pulled back from the hug to face him.- Neither am I.
Jasper opened his mouth, ready to protest, Alice was quick to cover his mouth with her hand.
-I like to control how people dress, I go through other people's stuff because I let my visions tell me whether they will be mad or not without actually allowing them to make the choice for themselves, I kicked Edward out of his room when I first met the Cullens, and I have been known to be a bit too intense at times.
-That's… not the same.- He tells her, a frown taking hold of his face.
-I know, but my point is, nobody is perfect, that doesn't mean they don't deserve happiness, doesn't mean that that's all that's there to them. All you see on yourself is how much pain you've brought, and what's been done to you and how that reflects on how people view you.
-That's-
-Not true.- Alice cut off firmly.- You're not what they made you, they don't control your life, you do, not María, not the Volturi, you, you get to be whatever you choose to be.
-You've no idea what I've done.- He refuted, scowling and refusing to look at her. Alice grabbed his face, forcing him to look at her, red against gold.
-It doesn't matter what you've done, you are worthy of love, time, happiness, you are allowed to be happy, to have a life, never let anyone tell you otherwise.- She told, her voice leaving no room for argument, and whoever said otherwise Alice would be there to beat them up.
Of course she knew that he wouldn't forget what he had done, nor what had been done to him, that's not how life worked, but he needed to learn to live with it, to not let it consume him, because otherwise he would never be able to actually start living.
-But you need to learn to forgive yourself if you want to start living, it'll take time, and there will be a lot of hardships, but you won't be alone, I'll be there with you every step of the way, even when you fail, I'll be there to help you get back up, I'll never leave you, nor judge you, because I believe in you even if you don't believe in yourself, I will be there to support you, to help you, I know you can't forget, I'm not asking you to, but you can't let that consume you either.
Alice's words…
Jasper had no idea what to do with those words, there was nothing but genuine feelings coming from her, she was being honest, and God, how could she be so adamant about this? What did she see in him that made her so stubborn on wanting to keep him?
His throat burns, a knot choking him until he feels like he will explode, and as he meets her gaze he feels like someone's punched right through, snatching and crushing a weight off his chest, it makes him feel lighter, like an unraveling ball of something, warm, painful, he has no idea how to describe it.
But it makes his vision blur.
Because she's telling the truth, she's seriously adamant on staying with him, she's choosing him despite how messed up he is.
And while he has no idea of the reason, he feels like for the first time in his life someone's chosen him.
Not The Major, not the God Of War, not the soldier, not even the weapon.
But him.
Just, him.
And that realization is too overwhelming to deal with right now. He doesn't know what to do, how to answer even, why why why why?
-Why?
-Because I care about you.
-But why?
-Because you're kind, gentle, and funny. Because I like your smiles and the way you get those adorable dimples whenever you smile. I like your little frowns and your little scowls, the way you walk to the way you speak, I care because you are very important to me, because you are good even if you refuse to believe it yourself, and because you do deserve good things.
-...
Jasper had no idea how to answer to that, he stared at Alice, and stared, wondering what to think about this enticing woman who seemed eager on dragging him into a sea of absolute light and brightness, leaving him with nothing, confused, not being able to understand anything regarding her way of thinking.
He couldn't for the life of him understand what was so good about him, he had nothing to offer to her, was it fair for her?
Her sigh caught his attention, she was giving him an exasperated look, and then, before he could even react, she was pushing him down onto the blanket.
-What are you-
-I'm gonna make you understand something. I was once told that actions speak louder than words.
That's all the warning Jasper got before Alice began kissing, his scars, she lingered on each scar, peppering his face in kisses, cheeks, jawline, eyebrow, even kissed the ones on his neck, and something about each kiss…
Such gentleness, such love, such warmth, it curled into his chest like a fist on fire, a knot at the back of his throat that grew and grew until it burst, the fire from his chest rising until it was spilling in the form of venomous tears.
All he ever got from his scars was fear, disgust and wariness.
And now here was this angel, kissing them with such gentleness, acceptation, love, sadness, devotion, compassion.
How was he supposed to deal with something like this? It was such a foreign feeling, unfamiliar, new.
And when she kissed a particularly ravenous scar on his throat he knew he was done for, even more so when she pulled back to look at him, something about her eyes…
There was such a raw love in there, such adoration, he felt the breath catch at the back of his throat, because all those overwhelming emotions, all that raw love, adoration, acceptation, it was all for him.
She leaned down, their foreheads against each other's, she held his stare, her hands touching his face as she rubbed her thumbs on his cheeks.
-I know I said this before, I know it's not fair for you for me to keep bringing it up, but I need you to understand something, I love you, and that's never gonna change, you deserve so many good things, I just wish you could see yourself the way I see you.- Alice said, she could feel his pain tickling her skin.
The anguish, the confusion, the desperation, the hope.
And she wasn't sure if she had gone a bit overboard with this of kissing him all over, his scars, she knew how much of a sensitive issue his scars were for him, but God, she needed him to understand, that there was more to him than just what people made him.
Still.
What she wasn't prepared for was for having his hands suddenly grabbing her, she toppled over him due the unexpected action, wincing as she did, knowing full well that his injuries were still there, but if it hurt him he didn't react to it.
And before Alice knew it, she had, somehow, ended up on her side, and pressed against Jasper, his arms around her in a tight hold, and still, in a way, it still felt gentle enough to allow her to escape if she so much desired to.
He was tense.
Much more tense than she ever remembers feeling him.
-Forgive me but… can I just do this for a while?- His voice wavered under the request, uncertain, anxious, afraid.
-Of course, take as much time as you wish, I don't mind.- She told him, her voice soft, reassuring, and as she drapped her arm over his waist she felt his muscles relax.
She wasn't sure where was this coming from, but if there was one thing she did knew it was that he needed the comfort and reassurance, so, she let him be, it wasn't as if he was doing something atrocious either.
Meanwhile, Jasper wasn't 100% sure of the why, but the overwhelming urge to want to hold Alice had been way stronger than anything he's ever felt, her words, her eyes, her actions, her emotions, it was all too much.
How could one single woman rattle him so much?
Was it true that he was allowed to keep her? That she wouldn't leave? Was he truly allowed to love her? Because it didn't matter how much he tried to lie to himself.
This wasn't gratefulness, at least not all of it.
She made him feel things no one had ever made him feel, she made him want to keep on seeing her smile, to long for her touch, for her voice, she made him feel lighter, like the world wasn't as rotten.
But most of all.
She made him want to be better, to be there, to live, she filled him with so much light….
And so he held her, he held her close, refusing to let her go, needing to feel her, to make sure she was real, there, he held her close, buried his nose into her hair, she smelt like lavender, like spring, fresh air, she was warm and soft and real.
She seemed rather content, and she had said she didn't mind, so he let himself hold her for as long as she would allow, he could feel the weight of her arm on his side, her fingers scratching his back in an absent manner, her face buried into his chest and her legs entangled with his.
It made her all the more real.
She didn't pull back even as the minutes began stretching into hours, didn't stop touching his back, in fact, at times, he could swear he could feel her pressing a kiss on his chest, right where his heart was.
It made warmth curl in his chest, it made him feel… strange, cozy, like staying like this forever.
He's never felt this warm, this comfortable… he doesn't know when, but at some point Alice's scratches on his back start lulling him into such sense of comfort he finds himself melting against her.
The world becoming a blur as sleep takes him away.
