Chapter 29: Grief

Rose kicks the door closed as both her hands are currently being held, each by a different Doctor. The trio sit on the bed in silence, none knowing what to say. Instead of talking, Rose pulls one hand free of Nine and puts his fingers to her temple. Understanding what she wants, he dives into her mind, allowing their grief to meld. Nine's biggest sorrow was for hearing how she sounded and reacted to being separated. Both he and Rose held some detachment because this hadn't happened to them yet. It was heartbreaking to watch, yet they saw many opportunities to stop what happened that it also gave them hope. It was that hope that Rose tried to focus on, combining with the Doctor to get the grief under control.

When they separated, they both had fresh tears staining their cheeks but they felt better. A sliver of dread would remain in them both that this was inevitable but they had a strong enough grip on their emotions to bury it deep down. Rose then turned her attention to Ten who had not moved a muscle. Nine kissed Rose deeply before leaving the room to allow the two some privacy. He knew what Rose planned, sharing a mind allowed few secrets and she had shared it openly. It would also take a lot longer than it had with him.

Rose but her hand under Ten's chin and lifted his face to look at her. His eyes, always so full of emotion, were as dark as night with grief and guilt and loneliness. She pulled them into a lying down position so they would be more comfortable. He was pliant in her grip, unwilling to move on his own or even speak. With his grief so very dominant, he couldn't push it to a corner of his mind and focus on something else as he did before. This time he had to do the one thing that terrified him more than anything else. Actually confront his emotions, feel them fully without running away and he had no idea how. He was lost in his own head to the storm of emotions, drowning him. Yet, through all of that, he was still very aware of a burning warmth wherever Rose touched him. He should recoil, he did not deserve her and she did not deserve to be soiled by everything he was feeling. But he can't. He craves her touch, to feel something, anything that is good and pure and wonderful.

When Rose pulls his hand to her temple there is no response. She expected this and gives a sad sigh. Then she tries to focus and push herself into his head. She can feel the resistance, so much more than before. He is actively trying to keep her out and she knows that she will never be able to force his barriers down. Instead she lingers just outside his barred mind. Stroking and singing a song her mum used to sing to her when she had nightmares. Eventually she felt a crack in his defence, and dived for it, not with force but with her agility. Still not used to mental contact, it took a few clumsy failures before she could enter his mind and was immediately staggered back by the tidal waves of grief. All around her was a dark storm and she was washed away into the black depths.

The Doctor could feel himself giving in. Having Rose's golden light just on the edge of his mind was so comforting and so inviting he was having a hard time remembering why she should be kept out. He repeated in his head that she should not see this and yet in a moment of weakness his precious girl slips in. She cannot cope with the sheer volume of emotions that he contains, no human could. He grabs her golden hand to steady her. She is the most beautiful thing he has ever seen.

Memories flash before his eyes, Rose laughing, giving him that tongue touched grin she saved just for him. Giving him the cake with edible ball bearings. Trying to bake him a cake in the TARDIS and burning it because the oven settings were set to be melting metal. He had no use for an actual oven before Rose so had soniced it to much higher temperatures. He had found Rose crying with frustration at the second burned cake as she couldn't read the settings. All the fire alarms were going off which drew him to the kitchen. When she had explained what she was doing he fell that little more in love with her, and had to try not to let her see him laugh. He saw himself and Rose traipsing across a barren planet as she tried to read a map. Being able to sense the TARDIS he knew they were heading in the wrong direction but was content to just wander and hold her hand. Until she realised they were going the wrong way and confronted him. She hadn't been very happy he knew the way back but eventually they laughed about it and he gave her a piggyback ride back as her feet were sore and it was partially his fault. He saw them lying on the couch in the entertainment room of the TARDIS. Rose had once again roped him into watching the Lion King having heard him quoting it to the Sycorax. She had fallen asleep and her head drooped onto his shoulder. He had no intention of moving with her cuddled up to him, it was the closest they had been in weeks since that incident with Reinette. Eventually his arm went numb but she looked so much like an angel he couldn't bring himself to care.

He smiled to himself and the waves of grief subsided just a little. He still wanted to howl and curse that it wasn't fair they had so little time together but he had to be content having her with him now. The warm, golden light was a vivid reminder that she was with him now. A small ball of hope kindled within him and they were both now floating rather than drowning in his agony. His loneliness abated slightly too. Nobody could feel totally alone with Rose there, covering him with her delightful presence. Her light was fading slightly and he realised she must be exhausted. Mental contact was tiring even for the most experienced and Rose had been helping him for what must have been hours. He gently guided her out of his mind and opened his eyes. She was already asleep. He was on his back and she had curled herself around him, head on his chest and one arm flung across his stomach. Checking his Time Sense, he realised they had been inside his mind for seven hours and thirty two minutes. No wonder she was exhausted. He just looked down at her, unwilling to look away in case she disappeared but sleep was trying to claim him.

Meanwhile, in the main room, everyone watched the trio disappear and the door shut. Nobody really knew what to say. For Donna she simply felt guilty that the Doctor had had to deal with her problems merely seconds after losing Rose. She knew it wasn't really her fault that didn't help much. It did explain an awful lot about his behaviour. She had probably made it worse by constantly bringing up Rose and asking him about her. She vowed internally that when she and Ten got back to their timeline she would help in whatever way she could to get hm and Rose back together. Maybe this show thing would even tell them how. They had no idea how long it would go on for. It could end at the point she and the Doctor had been brought there, or possibly they could see their future too. She realised she hadn't actually moved from her position of leaning against Jack. She had grown very fond of the ex con man who could be very sweet when he wasn't making innuendoes. He didn't seem in a particular hurry to move either so they both stayed on the floor, leaning back against the couch.

Jack hates feeling useless and yet that is exactly how he does feel. One of his best friends and the woman he has come to see as a sister are suffering badly and there is nothing he can do about it. His usual jokes and flirtation cannot help him here. He really hopes that whatever happens after here, he gets to keep his memories and help the Doctor and Rose to fix this mess of a future. The distance that had sprung up between the Doc and Rose when Nine turned into Ten annoyed Jack greatly. He can see Ten's reasoning and yet knew full well that the guy was already hopelessly in love. What happened in that last episode would never hurt any less if he kept a distance between them. He was incredibly glad that they had already fixed that part in here and so a great many problems they had had would already be fixed. But that last part, that last two episodes seemed inevitable. Alright Torchwood had been opened because the Doctor pissed off Victoria but that wouldn't stop the Cybermen and Daleks tearing through the void anyway. He just hopes that next time around he can be there to help.

"They'll be alright." Mickey finally speaks into the silence. "Rose'll bring 'em both through it."

"She's gotta be pretty upset right now too though." Donna points out.

"Yeah but she'll put the Doctors first. She always does. Besides, as horrifying as that was, for two of the three, it hasn't happened yet. There are plenty of ways to stop them being parted there." Mickey argues. Everybody nods.

"I still can't believe you manage to just show up on the TARDIS in a wedding dress." Jack snickers.

"Didn't exactly plan on that." Donna pokes him in the side.

"Well what did you plan on then?" He smirks.

"Getting married you idiot." She rolls her eyes.

"You didn't stay with him then?" Martha asks.

"No, he scared me a bit to be honest. I guess you'll see why. I did regret not going though so when I saw him again I grabbed the chance." Donna admits.

"I do wonder how much longer we will be kept watching. We still have no idea who brought us here, why we are watching this and how much we still have to watch. We've already been here the rough equivalent of a few days." Sarah-Jane points out. "I also wonder what will happen when we all get sent back."

"We don't exactly have a way of getting those answers though." Donna shrugs. "Guess we keep watching till the TV doesn't turn on anymore."

"Well, I guess those three are going to be gone a while, we might as well find something else to do." Jack suggests. As soon as he says that a bunch of games appear in the corner. The table reappears with food and drink on, though none of them have much of an appetite after what they just watched. As everyone makes their way over to see what games appear, Donna pulls Jack aside and confesses how she feels about pressing the Doctor about Rose when she first met him. He assures her that Ten knows that she had no idea and has most likely already forgiven her. He wouldn't have invited her to travel with him if it still bothered him. She gives him a hug and they both run over to find Mickey trying to persuade Martha to play twister.

Just then the door opens and they all turn to see Nine walking out looking exhausted but better. It is clear he has been crying but nobody comments. Jack simply asks what game he votes for them to play. Jack is thrilled when they end up playing twister. He, Mickey, Martha and Donna actually play while Sarah-Jane spins the dial and calls out. Much to his delight they end up in some very compromising positions that he cannot pass up the opportunity to comment on. When they inevitably all fall over, he receives a very hard thump on the shoulder courtesy of Donna.

They spend the rest of the afternoon chatting and playing trying to lift the gloomy atmosphere that continues to linger. As the hours pass, Nine begins to get back to his usual self. It is almost dinnertime when the door finally opens again and a very sleepy looking Ten emerges. His eyes are red and puffy but he gives them all a wan smile.

"Rose is still sleeping." He explains. They all nod and bring him into the game of futuristic monopoly they are playing which has planets to buy instead of places in London. Ten does join in but he is quiet and subdued, nothing like any of them are used to dealing with. Both Martha and Donna recognise this mood as the one always seen when Rose is mentioned and yet they have never seen it for such an extended period of time. There is no pushing it away and overcompensating by being extra loud and bubbly. He keeps looking down at his arms as if expecting to see Rose there and when he doesn't he glances back at the door like he really wants to be in there not here.

"Why don't you go back in?" Sarah-Jane suggests gently.

"I'll fall asleep again." He murmurs. She nods understandingly and squeezes his hand. Then dinner appears on the tables and they all make their way over, chatting quietly. Once they all finish eating they slowly retire to their own rooms until only the two Doctors are left and Jack are left. Jack is hovering by his door, waiting to see if he could help in any way.

"How do you do it? How did you even keep going?" Nine asks in a whisper.

"I didn't want to." Ten confesses. "I owe Donna my life. If she hadn't arrived when she did and if she hadn't have come on the adventure with me, I wouldn't have made it out because I didn't want to." Nine just nods, understanding this completely. "After that I was just sort of going through the motions until I found Martha. She was brilliant and took almost everything in her stride. So she came with me. Kept me from doing anything too stupid."

"You should tell her that." Jack calls out. Both Doctor's jump, not having realised he was still there. "She told me she feels guilty about how she acted when you first met, asking about Rose all the time."

"She didn't know." Ten points out.

"That's what I told her but she'd believe it more if it came from you." Jack shrugs. He nods. Jack then disappears through his door, giving them both one last salacious wink.

"You want to come join us?" Nine asks, gesturing towards the door to his and Rose's room. "I very much doubt either of us will be sleeping tonight." Ten nods gratefully. Each Doctor lies down beside Rose. The bed is just big enough for the three of them to lie side by side. Nine pulls Rose to his chest and Ten twines his fingers through hers. Hours pass by and sleep finally overtakes them both.