*rubs her hands together*
And I am back with the fourth chapter. Which is, by the way, longer than I had originally intended. But that's because there were quite a few things I wanted to address in this chapter! Hopefully the length will not keep you from reading though!
And now, as always, I will take a moment to sincerely thank you all for your heart-warming and encouraging reviews. And especially the reviewers whose reviews I was unable to answer! But now, I wish you a happy time reading (and hopefully reviewing too :) and I'll see you with the next chapter when I get it written. Enjoy!
And a quick !WARNING!: there will be a bit of needles and blood etc. discussed in some parts of this chapter, they're basically just mentioned but if you hate that sort of thing, maybe avert your eyes a bit!
Their shared half day came sooner than either had anticipated.
Two restless nights and days now behind them as they left the Abbey at teatime and made their way towards the village hospital. Her appointment was scheduled at half past three and they were in no hurry. So, their pace was slow, and their fingers entwined and hidden away in the crook of his elbow.
It was a beautiful day- the sun shining brightly in the skies, and with almost no cloud in sight- but somehow, the Carson couple couldn't see the appeal. Their minds were elsewhere.
Charles Carson was trying hard not to let his thoughts wander. He knew he had to be the strong one today. He knew his wife needed him to be. And he would try his best to succeed. While believing his wife to be a strong woman, she was scared. And he understood that. Of course, he did- he was scared too.
Sparing a look at the thoughtful face of her husband, Elsie let out a wavering breath. She was so very grateful for having him by her side. She knew that had he not insisted, she'd not been brave enough to face a visit to the doctor…Charlie was her rock, she knew that. He had been for a long time, even if she hadn't noticed that herself at the time…And the thought of him made a weak smile find its way to her otherwise downcast face.
She concentrated on the road ahead again, a lump rising to her throat as the signs of the Downton village hospital came to view.
…
"Good afternoon, Mrs. Hughes. Mr. Carson.", the doctor stood up from his desk when the nurse showed the couple in his office.
"Dr. Clarkson. Thank you for seeing us so soon.", Charles noted the slight quiver in his wife's voice when she spoke, and he fought the urge to take her hand in his to offer a little support.
But he didn't quite dare. Not in the other man's presence.
"Not at all. I've no other patients to see today."
Elsie nodded absentmindedly.
"Please, take a seat both of you.", Dr. Clarkson said politely, whilst gesturing to the two chairs that were placed face to face with the doctor's desk.
The couple did as they were suggested, Charles sitting on his wife's right, and the doctor followed suit.
Charles cast a look at his wife. He couldn't help but think whether she'd sat there during her first…scare. However, wanting to concentrate on the situation at hand, he shook his head to bring himself back to present.
Dr. Clarkson leaned forward in his chair, crossing his hands on the desk as he began:
"So, Mrs. Hughes, I understand you have some issues with your health, am I correct?
It was more of a statement than a question.
She nodded slowly, taking a deep intake of air:
"It's um…the lump. It's back."
Whether the doctor had already known this, would remain a mystery to Charles as he saw no change on the doctor's face upon hearing this.
"How long ago did you discover it, Mrs. Hughes?"
She had to think for a moment before giving him her answer.
"Less than a week ago, I think."
"Very well. I'm glad you've come to see me so early."
Was that supposed to calm them, Charles thought, because it certainly made it all seem worse than it was. He brought his attention back to the doctor just as the man was standing up from his chair.
"Well, you are already familiar with what we are to do next, Mrs. Hughes, so I believe I won't have to explain it to you?"
She nodded- a nod you could barely see if you didn't know it had taken place.
"But…-"
"Yes, Mr. Carson?"
Charles cleared his throat:
"Might it be possible for you to explain the…situation to me, doctor?"
A look of something that he couldn't quite grasp, flashed at the doctor's face before he nodded.
"Of course, Mr. Carson. I think that would be for the best."
"Thank you."
Dr. Clarkson moved to the right side of the room, to a washbasin that sat on a lonely, little table in the corner. He rolled up the sleeves of his cotton shirt and started to wash his hands. Meanwhile Elsie was removing her coat.
"First, I am going to take a sample of the cyst with a syringe, and it will be sent to London for an analysis.", he rubbed the undersides of his nails with a small sponge as he spoke."I will take a blood test after we've finished with the lot. It won't take too long."
A syringe? And an analysis? The butler had barely registered any of the information shared with him. He hadn't known she'd gone through such an ordeal. They'd talked about it, of course. But she had never wanted to go to such detail, and he hadn't pushed her to do so…It made him feel helpless…Now she had to go through it all again. And it tugged at his heart in the most painful way…
He caught his wife's gaze, stared into her eyes with a pained expression on his face. She shook her head and mouthed a solid "don't, it's fine"- she didn't want his pity.
The doctor was drying his hands with a cloth as he turned around to witness the exchange between the couple. He cleared his throat to draw their attention back to him:
"Let me just get the supplies and then, if you're ready, we can get started, Mrs. Hughes."
A few minutes later, Dr. Clarkson returned with the said supplies spread on a small metal tray. Charles tried his best to avert his eyes, and instead carefully studied his wife as the doctor told her to take a seat on the examination bed.
"Do you want me to…?", Charles asked, letting the question linger in the air.
An eager nod was her reply. She wanted him to stay, what a relief. Charles watched as his wife climbed on the edge of the bed, her feet slightly hanging in the air as she was too short for them to reach the stone floor.
Dr. Clarkson motioned for his patient to unbutton her blouse and Charles felt his breath hitch in his throat. The very thought of another man seeing his wife's…breast, made him uncomfortable. But he supposed the doctor before him saw all kinds of things in his career and pushed away the unpleasant thought.
"Could you show me where the cyst is?", the doctor asked gently."So that I can examine it before we proceed?"
With a shaky hand she pointed out the exact spot.
"Thank you.", Clarkson said, nodding his head."Now, my hands might be a bit cold-"
They must have been as she jumped slightly upon feeling his fingers against her bare skin.
"It looks remotely small, but it might be deeper under your skin."
Charles watched, an uncomfortable feeling at the pit of his stomach, as the doctor carefully examined the side of her breast. He could feel a blush rise to his cheeks.
"Have you had any other symptoms?", Clarkson asked.
Once again, Charles locked his gaze with hers as he waited for her to speak.
"I've-…That is, I've been feeling rather nauseous and tired. I've just blamed the stress.", she said quietly, a look of concentration on her face.
"Well, nerves do all sorts of things to one's health, so I wouldn't necessarily put it past that."
Elsie nodded again.
"Have you been sleeping well? Waking up in the middle of the night?", the doctor questioned.
"I've slept a…few hours."
"Last night?"
"During the past four nights.", came her confused answer, and it seemed that even she was contemplating how little the amount of sleep she'd gotten really was.
Dr. Clarkson could only nod as he withdrew to write something down. He turned back to her before Charles had had time to even think of the information laid before him. And as if nothing had happened, the doctor continued:
"I'm going to add some pressure with my fingers now, Mrs. Hughes. Let me know if anything hurts."
Another nod as the doctor proceeded to press a few of his fingers into the skin of her breast. It didn't take long for her to wince and let out a high pitched welp. Dr. Clarkson immediately pulled his hand back, resting it at his side.
He waited for a while and then continuing when the woman's face was back to normal.
"Has it been tender for a long time?", he thought to ask.
"Not for long…I'm not entirely sure."
Charles closed his eyes for a second. Why hadn't she said anything to him? She'd been physically hurting and hadn't said anything to him. He couldn't bear to think about it. He opened his eyes to see the doctor leaning to the side and grabbing something from the metal tray he had brought into the room.
"Now, Mrs. Hughes, I will not lie and say this won't hurt. Since the area of your breast is tender, it probably will be quite painful, more so than last time.", he had a frightfully large syringe between his fingers as he turned around to face her once again."But I will try to be as quick as I can."
The doctor saw the reluctant look on his patients face and tried to search for an answer.
"Mr. Carson, why don't you step here and hold her hand? You can sit on the bed next to your wife, perhaps.", Dr. Clarkson worried that the suggestion would be a bit too much for the butler, but luckily his worries were brushed away in seconds.
Charles didn't hesitate for a moment and made his way to his wife from the chair he had been sitting on earlier. His wife scooted over to give him some space on the bed. He extended his hand to her, and she grabbed it with both of hers. They looked at each other and he could see she was grateful. It was a gesture that made his stomach twist, but he would be there for her if that was what she wanted. What she needed.
"Alright then. It will only take a moment, Mrs. Hughes. Take a deep breath-", as the syringe came to contact with her skin.
…
The Crawley family was seated in the main library, with the children playing on the floor with lady Edith, and a cup of tea in each of the adults' hands.
"How was granny when you to had lunch with her the other day?", asked Mary Crawley as she rose to fill her teacup by the table.
"She was well, of course. I told her about our plans for the party on Saturday."
"Did she say she'd come?", Robert lowered his newspaper onto his lap so he could look at his wife.
"She did.", Cora smiled warmly, and her husband gave a nod.
Mary made her way to sit back next to her mother on one of the red couches, a cup of steaming hot tea in her other hand.
"What about you, Tom? What were you doing in the village earlier today?", the young lady asked her brother-in-law who was seated on one of the chairs by the big windows.
"I only had a few letters to post, and I'd missed the post this morning.", Tom said.
"We really ought to go over the estate books sometime soon. We're already running behind as it is. And we really need to calculate the costs to see what can be done about the roof-"
"Do you really have to discuss that now, Mary? The children are here.", her father intervened exasperatedly.
"Well, it has to be talked about at some point.", Mary said firmly, looking pointedly at her father."We can't always put it off just because the moment is not right when I bring it up."
Edith lifted her gaze from the game she was playing with the children and frowned at her sister. She could really be so dramatic sometimes. The situation couldn't be quite that serious.
"You can come with me to the office tomorrow and we can go over the books together, if you like.", Tom offered and was met with an appreciative smile from Mary.
She mouthed a "thank you" before taking a sip of her tea.
"Is everything going to be done in time for the party?", Robert decided to ask, folding the newspaper, and tossed it aside.
"I believe so. It's nothing out of the ordinary for the servants to manage. Carson and Mrs. Hughes are on top of things.", his wife told him reassuringly.
"Of course, they are. Papa just wants everything to be perfect since it's your anniversary.", Edith teased, having come to pour herself another cup of tea.
"Maybe.", Cora laughed happily, watching her husband frown slightly.
Mary lowered her teacup on her lap:
"Speaking of Carson, where is he? It's not his day off, is it? I had something I wanted to talk to him about before I'd come down for tea, but he was nowhere to be found."
Cora turned her attention to her eldest daughter:
"He wanted to switch his half day for today. Apparently, he wanted to take Mrs. Hughes to York for dinner. And since it was her half day today, I didn't have the heart to refuse."
"That was kind of you.", Edith smiled and sipped her tea."And good for Carson and Mrs. Hughes."
"Yes. I think they've earned it with their hard work."
"Quite right.", Robert agreed.
A confused look had found it's way to Tom's face.
"Tom?", Cora asked, having noticed his weird expression.
"Sorry. I was just thinking."
"What about? You look very concentrated.", Mary wondered, taking a sip of her tea.
"Nothing much.", the young man slightly shook his head."Only, I could swear I saw Carson and Mrs. Hughes in the village just an hour ago."
"Well, they can easily be catching a later train to York.", Robert said.
"I know. But I saw them standing just outside the hospital, it's quite far from the train station."
"The hospital? What would they be there for?", Edith worried, sitting down near the windows.
"Why does one normally go to the hospital for?", Mary bickered as she rolled her eyes at her sister.
"I've not noticed anything that might be wrong.", Robert spoke, interrupting his eldest daughter's eye rolling.
"It might be just a check-up, or they might not have gone in, in the first place. I didn't stick around long enough to see."
"But that doesn't explain why they were both there."
"No, it doesn't, I don't think."
A short silence followed until lady Grantham spoke up again:
"I hope I'm wrong, but perhaps something's wrong with Mrs. Hughes?"
"Mrs. Hughes, mama? Why do you think that?", Edith asked.
"She's been acting a little out of sorts lately. And she- no, I'm sure it's nothing."
And they all turned back to their teas.
…
Mrs. Carson slowly buttoned the top three buttons of her blouse, her hands still a bit shaky from, the only thing coming to her mind, fear. Her husband, in turn, was drawing soothing circles on her upper back as he was intently listening to the doctor speak.
"I will send the sample to London, and I should hear back from them rather soon, what with the new arrangements.", Dr. Clarkson said gently, putting the contents of the syringe into a sealed packaging.
Charles couldn't help but notice the tiny droplets of blood mixed with the other…substance, he couldn't quite identify. He however tried his best not to worry too much. That would not be helpful to anyone.
"I gather you wish to know as soon as the results arrive?"
"That would be very considerate of you, Dr. Clarkson.", Charles nodded, hoping the doctor understood how important the gesture would be to the couple.
"Then I shall do that, Mr. Carson.", Clarkson bowed his head slightly, then turned to address his patient."Mrs. Hughes, until we know for sure what we are up against, I should hope you take it easy. Put your feet up when you can. And if the pain gets at all worse, you can apply some warm compressions, maybe have a warm bath."
At the doctor's words, Elsie slid down from the bed, her arms resting at her sides. She instantly regretted moving away from her husband's soothing caress, missing the reassurance it gave her almost immediately. The said husband soon followed suit with his wife and landed on his feet to her right.
Charles flashed her a reassuring smile, instead of reaching out for her hand as she had so hoped. Elsie cleared her throat.
"Dr. Clarkson, what do you…", she began, but trailed off until the room was quiet once again.
"Yes, Mrs. Hughes?"
"What do you think this is?", she asked straight forwardly.
The doctor seemed hesitant for a moment and, even if not intending to do so, managed to give more reason for uncertainty for the woman before him.
"I'm fairly certain it is nothing. These things can repeat themselves, Mrs. Hughes. The sample looks almost, if not exactly, the same as it did the first time.", he tried to smile."Aside from you feeling sick and tired, everything else seems to be fine. The pain, also, is not unusual in these cases."
"But it could be…?", Elsie let the words linger."Yes?"
Charles moved closer to her, bringing a hand to rest on her arm. He watched as she lifted her gaze, her eyes finding his.
"We'll cross that bridge when- if we have to.", he whispered gently.
"Mr. Carson is right, Mrs. Hughes. There is no real reason to worry until we hear from London.", Dr. Clarkson agreed, making the butler pull away from his wife as he remembered the other man in the room.
Her reply was a nod.
"Now, if there is nothing else you wish to ask me, you are free to go. I will let you know as soon as the results are back."
Knowing that she'd probably be upset after the appointment and want to go home as soon as possible, Charles stepped forward and grabbed his wife's coat from the back of a chair it had been draped on earlier and held it up for her. She slid her arms in the sleeves.
"If there is any change don't hesitate to call me. And please, try to get some rest, Mrs. Hughes."
The Carsons left the hospital knowing they had done everything they could, and now…all they had to do was wait.
…
It was hours since the couple had returned from the hospital. They ate dinner, and as they both wanted to be close to the other that night, their dinner was eaten with their fingers entwined between them and they had moved their chairs as close to each other as possible without having to share one…After dinner Charles, as he had promised, drew his wife a bath and while she was soaking and getting ready for bed, he lit the fire in their bedroom and pulled back the covers on the bed, not forgetting to fluff their pillows. When she returned now dressed in her nightgown, he planted a kiss to her forehead and headed into the bathroom to change into his pyjamas and to wash his teeth.
Returning into the room he found her sitting at her dressing table, brushing her hair. The brush, however, was soon replaced by her fingers, as she raised her hands to start plaiting her curls.
"You could leave it down, you know.", Charles said simply, standing at the foot of the bed.
She caught his gaze in the mirror.
"It'll be terribly tangled if I do.", his wife reasoned.
"I promise to untangle it in the morning if you do leave it down."
A sad smile tugged at the corners of her mouth. She knew he'd keep that promise. And she did love him so dearly…Through the mirror, she watched as he climbed in bed.
"Alright then.", she whispered, running her fingers through her curls to loosen them completely around her shoulders.
Elsie rose from her seat and turned back to adjust some of the items on the dressing table.
"Come to bed, love.", she heard him say to her back and she turned around to face him.
He had his right hand extended towards her across the bed and a charming smile on his face. Shaking her head, Elsie made her way towards the bed.
"You're looking very content, my darling.", she said with a faint smile of her own as he pulled her next to him by her hand.
"I am, thank you very much. I was watching you.", Charles whispered, watching her adjust her pillow and lay on her back.
He quickly covered them with the blanket, making sure she wasn't cold. He let his gaze rest on her face. She looked so peaceful now, not a trace of worry written in the corner of her brow.
"Charlie?", she asked, worried.
"Oh, sorry."
She smiled lightly.
"That's alright.", her hand found his and she prompted him to come closer.
She gave her chest a gentle tap, inviting him to rest his head there.
"Are you sure I won't hurt you?"
She nodded her head:
"Just lay your head on this side, and I'll be just fine."
Despite her reassurance, Charles lowered his head down onto his wife's bosom ever so carefully- the gentleness making her feel a rush of emotions.
She brought her hands up to cradle his head, holding him close.
"Mmm.", she hummed.
"Is my head too heavy?", he worried, almost pulling away.
"No, love. Just stay where you are."
She leaned to plant a sweet kiss to his forehead, and he stilled in her embrace.
"Are you feeling alright? Any nausea?", Charles whispered after a moment.
"No, I'm feeling surprisingly well. Only a bit tired.", his wife reassured."And a warm bath did me good."
"I'm glad. Just let me know if there's anything I can do."
"Right now, I only want to lay here with you, Charlie."
He smiled.
"Then that's where I shall stay."
They fell quiet, listening to the slight rain falling against the window and the small clock ticking away on the mantle. Their fingers were entwined on her stomach and her other hand hidden in his hair as she slowly let sleep claim her. For a moment she let herself feel completely at calm, safe in the arms of her husband.
"Elsie?"
His voice shook her awake and she quietly hummed to let him know she had heard him.
"What does it feel like?", he asked her gently.
It took her a moment to get his meaning but when she did, she pulled her hand from his hair and brought it to rest on his shoulder.
"Do you want to feel it?"
He leaned back, holding himself up with his left arm, as he looked at her in an apologetic way.
"No, it's fine. I had suspected you would at some point.", she told him."Here-"
Swiftly unbuttoning the one button at the neck of her nightgown, Elsie adjusted herself so she could pull the fabric aside ever so slightly to reveal her left breast to him. The chill in the air biting into her skin as soon as it had been freed from the warmth of her nightgown.
She took his right hand in hers and slowly guided it to her breast, stopping just below the scar from a few years back where the new lump now resided.
"It's a bit tender if you put pressure on it."
He looked down at her, worried whether he should lower his hand and touch her skin. He feared he might hurt her and that was the last thing he wanted to do. Then she showed him an encouraging smile.
His eyes were now solely fixed on her bare breast; he couldn't help but notice the small mass on the side of it. He'd not seen it before. He carefully brought his hand to cup her breast, feeling the lump with his fingers.
"It's a bit smaller than the last one was.", he heard her say but missed how intently she was watching him."Although it has gained a bit of size in the past few days since I've come to notice it."
"Does it hurt?"
"No, you're not hurting me, love.", she whispered with a shake of her head.
"No. No, I meant when you're wearing your corset."
It was a question that caught her slightly off guard.
"Oh- well, it does a bit. More so when I have to bend.", Elsie said after a moment of silence.
"I'm sorry.", he mumbled, his eyes fixated on the fingers that caressed her skin.
"No, don't be. It's alright."
"I can bear the thought of you hurting, Elsie. It breaks my heart.", then he lifted his face to look straight into her eyes, seeing tears form in the corners."I would do anything to take that pain away from you, my darling."
Without further thinking, he cupped her cheek and brought her lips towards his. He kissed her soundly, lingering against her lips for so long they both were breathless when they broke apart.
Then, careful not to hurt her in any way, his lips came to contact with the lump, as he planted sweet kisses to the skin covering it. Tears were rolling freely down her cheeks, and she brought her arms around his neck, pulling him so much closer to her. He moved to kiss her on the lips again, feeling the way she was clinging onto him.
The way his shoulder was digging into the tender side of her bosom was making her want to cry out in pain but the only thing she needed was to feel him. To have his arms holding her close.
And every pain in the world would be worth it if it made her feel the kind of comfort she felt whenever she was in his arms…
