Chapter 42 - Remus - Insecurities and Acceptance
Saturday 26th December - Waning Gibbous

Remus could hear a jumble of sounds, but they all merged together and didn't make any sense. He tried to open his eyes but could barely manage more than a crack, pain thudding in his head. The light made him wince and blurry shapes swam before his vision. Where was he again? He was struggling to keep himself awake, the blackness of sleep was just so inviting.


He opened his eyes again and felt himself stumbling forwards, every muscle in his body screaming in protest. He could see gravel beneath his feet pulsing sickeningly in and out of focus. Where was he going? And why did his head hurt so bad?


A sharp pain in his side made him groan and he tried again to wake up, but the sleep was holding onto him like thick treacle and he couldn't think. He swatted around feebly trying to stave off another attack but his arms felt too weak. He heard a voice but couldn't understand the words. And he was so, so tired. He felt the sharp pain in his side once more and managed to flutter his eyelids open. He was laying down, and there was a blurry woman next to him, and she was stabbing him in the side. He tried to pull away but his muscles refused to cooperate and he let out an agitated cry.

'Hey, it's okay, hold still.'

Her voice sounded familiar.

'Remus, it's me.'

He convinced his eyes to focus and saw his stomach was covered in blood. His eyes followed the pain to see a bloodstained cloth dabbing at his side, then managed to focus on her face. Hermione. His brain finally caught up and he realised he was laying on the sofa in the cottage. He tried to configure a sentence but only managed a mumble.

'I'm just cleaning you up, you've got a nasty gash on your side.'

He tried to push himself upright but felt like his body was being pulled down by a heavy weight.

'Hermione no… you shouldn't have to…' he protested weakly.

'Don't be daft. Now just lay still and be a good patient,' she said firmly. He gave in, too tired to fight. She finished cleaning the wound and then muttered 'Vulnus Sanitatem', carefully sealing it with the same spell he had used last night.

Last night.

He felt the guilt come rushing back and swallowed as he watched her working intently. This was all wrong.

'All done,' she smiled brightly at him and then stood and disappeared from his view. She reappeared with a plate of toast, eggs and sausages and a glass of water, and set it on the coffee table beside him.

'Do you want this now?'

He eyed the food and felt a wave of nausea.

'Just the water, please,' he croaked, reaching for it. He winced as she helped him to sit up, then passed him the water which he drank thirstily. She watched him with a guarded expression.

'I'm going to go to the shop for some more food as we're almost out. You'd better have done nothing but eat or sleep when I come back,' she said firmly. 'Crookshanks, look after him. Make sure he doesn't move.'

Remus watched her go and settled back down. He realised then she had turned the sofa into a makeshift bed with his duvet and pillows and felt the familiar guilt gnawing away inside him. This was like a terrifying glimpse into his future and he hated feeling so burdensome.

He must have fallen back to sleep because he awoke much later. The sun was getting low in the sky and the smell of cleaning chemicals stung his nose. Hermione was on her knees scrubbing at the floor.

'Hey,' he said softly.

She looked up and smiled,

'Hey sleepy. How are you feeling now?'

'Better,' he said truthfully.

She put down her cloth and came to sit beside him. He couldn't help but notice that it too was stained red.

'What are you doing?' he asked suspiciously.

'I'm just cleaning the carpet.'

'You don't have to do that. Let me do that, I can just use magic,' he protested.

'No, you need to rest. I've been doing it the muggle way all my life, I'm not going to stop now.'

Hermione returned to scrubbing the carpet until Remus couldn't stand it anymore.

'Hermione, just stop,' he said, more forcefully then he intended.

She frowned, confused, 'Stop what?'

'Just stop… stop… fussing. It's driving me mad!' he snapped, failing to keep his voice even. 'You shouldn't be cleaning up after me, caring for me, it's not right.'

'I don't mind… I want to help…'

'Well you should mind. This isn't what you're supposed to want. I'm not some….some… broken play thing you can just try to fix. You can't fix this. This is just how it is. This is my reality. And it's never getting any better.'

She looked taken aback, then her brow furrowed into one of confusion. She put the cloth down and sat in the armchair facing him.

'Where is all this coming from?' she said gently.

'I'm just so sick of it. Of always being the burden, the freak, the one everyone has to make allowances for. I can't stand it… the pity,' he felt his anger began to fade to sadness.

'Remus…'

'You deserve the world, Hermione. You're so young and smart and beautiful… and I'm just… this,' he indicated his broken body. 'I'm old and damaged, and one day you're going to realise how much better off you are without me, and so it may as well be today.'

'I'm not going anywhere,' she said softly.

He gritted his teeth.

'Hermione, you don't understand. I'm dangerous. I've already hurt you twice… it's only a matter of time… what if I kill you?' The remorse threatened to suffocate him as his true fear revealed itself.

She was quiet for a moment, then said gently.

'You promised me no bullshit about how this was too dangerous, remember?'

Hermione knelt down beside the sofa and gently took his hand in hers, but he pulled it away and glared at the ceiling. She sighed.

'Remus, please listen to me. I don't know how many more ways I can show you that I don't care about all that. You keep trying to push me away, and I keep staying.'

He clenched his jaw so hard it began to ache. She pushed on, unperturbed.

'Look, if you truly want me out of your life, just say it. Tell me that you never want to see me again, and I promise I'll go,' she paused, letting the proposition hang in the air. He could just say it and all the guilt and fear would be gone. It would be so easy. But the thought of never seeing her again was too painful and Moony whined, the words sticking in his throat. Finally he tore his eyes from the ceiling and looked at her, sitting patiently awaiting his answer. Her eyes held no hint of deceit and he felt his heart lurch.

'I don't want you to go,' he admitted in a small voice. She nodded and smiled, relieved.

'Alright. Now, get some rest. We can talk more tomorrow.'


Sunday 27th December

Remus stayed on the sofa the rest of the day and night, leaving only to shuffle slowly to the bathroom. The next day Remus felt much better. His appetite had returned and the pain was no more than a dull ache. Hermione continued to bring him food and water and otherwise pottered around the cottage or sat in the armchair opposite reading or doing homework. He was propped up on his pillows eating a piece of toast watching her absentmindedly chewing the ned of a writing quill as she penned her essay.

'I'm sorry for my little crisis yesterday…' he voiced.

She looked up and smiled.

'It's okay,' she said patiently. 'I knew the full moon would be hard.'

'I'm sorry you had to… deal with me like that. I'm afraid I really rather let myself down.'

'Remus, I promise I don't mind. I know you would do the same for me.'

She did make a good point.

'Life is messy and complicated and we can't predict it or control it. We can just enjoy it, because sometimes the mess is totally worth it.'

'And just to clarify, I'm the mess right?' he said with a hint of humour.

She nodded solemnly,

'Yes, and you're totally worth it.'

They both laughed and he felt his mood lift.

'Now, come on,' she said brightly. 'This is our Christmas holiday, it's supposed to be fun! Shall we stop all these depressing conversations?'

He nodded.

'Good plan.'

'Think you can manage a game of chess? I might stand a chance with you all banged up.'

He smiled at her fighting talk.

'I wouldn't be so sure.'


And so they played chess and ate the last of the leftover Christmas food, and drank the last of the Christmas wine and talked and talked late into the evening. Remus was reminded once again just how happy her presence made him, and he could almost pretend like this was totally normal.

'Will you read to me?' she asked.

'If you'd like?' he responded, surprised.

She nodded and fetched a book from the shelf. She settled in beside him and cuddled into his good side. He put his arm around her and opened the book and began to read.

She closed her eyes and smiled at the sound of his voice and the feeling of his hand absentmindedly stroking her hair. Time passed until Remus grew too tired to read and closed the book.

'Don't stop,' she protested through a yawn, and he chuckled.

'I'm pretty sure you started snoring about ten minutes ago,' he lay his head on top of hers. She snorted softly and they watched as Crookshanks played with the tassels on the curtain tiebacks. Moony was tired but seemed content with her presence.

'Remus,' she said quietly, breaking the silence.

'Mm?' he said, still liking the sound of her saying his name.

'Thank you for inviting me here for Christmas.'

'It was my pleasure.'

She fell quiet, picking absentmindedly at a hole in the knee of her jeans.

'What is it?' he enquired, sensing there was more she wanted to say.

'It's just… I don't want to holidays to end. I'll be going back to school, and you'll be… well I don't know where you'll be... What will you do?'

He shrugged, 'I'm not sure. But I'll make it work.'

'But you'll struggle to find a job...'

'I know. Hermione,' he shifted her upright so he could turn to face her, 'Don't think I haven't thought about it too. But, like you said, let's just enjoy the time we have now before we have to start worrying about the real world.'

She chewed her lip, 'But-'

He shook his head, with a smile, 'Don't spoil it.'

She sighed, 'Okay, okay. I just want to apologise for making you lose your job.'

'It's okay, it's not your fault.'

'Well if I hadn't pursued you…'

'Hey, honestly it's okay.'

Then she burst into tears which wasn't the reaction he was expecting. Unsure what to say, he just pulled her back into a hug and held her whilst she let it out. Eventually she stopped crying and sniffled and rubbed at her eyes.

'I'm sorry…'

'Want to talk about it?'

'It's just… this is all so hard and confusing… and… I was trying to be so patient… but now the holidays are nearly over… I thought I could do it, but I don't think I can.'

He frowned, and felt his heart sink.

'You know if you want this… whatever this is… to stop. If you're not comfortable… if you don't want it… just say the word and it stops.'

She shook her head aggressively and the words tumbled out, 'No, that's not what I mean. I don't care that you're a werewolf. I don't care that you think you're too old, or whatever. I just care about you. About us. I just don't know what this is… and I thought I would be okay with not knowing but it's just exhausting.'

Remus shifted uncomfortably.

'What happened to not labelling anything…'

'I thought I could be that person, but maybe I can't. I just feel like my heart is sitting out there just waiting to be stamped on at any moment, and that's terrifying. I'm sorry… I know I didn't say any of this before, but it just always seemed like a bad time when you were dealing with the full moon. But I need to protect myself too. If you want to be with me… or even if you don't… that's fine. I just need to know what you're thinking because… because… well in a few days I go back to school… and you, what? You disappear from my life? And all this is just some… some nothing that just fizzles out?'

'Hermione, I-'

'I think I'm falling in love with you, and I'm scared it's too late to stop it now.'

His heart lurched at her admission, and she looked away, tears threatening at the corners of her eyes once more. His brain felt stuck in a loop; one part still resolutely putting up a fight, telling him not to give in to his desires; the same part which told him that he was a monster that no one could ever love. And yet, here, right in front of him, was someone real telling him that they did, which completely contradicted the narrative he had embedded into his mind over and over again. And suddenly all the reasons why he didn't deserve to be happy melted away, leaving only one obvious answer.

'I think I'm falling in love with you too,' he replied, and as he said it he knew it was true.

No sooner had he uttered the words than he found himself leaning forwards, capturing her lips into a kiss. She didn't hesitate to kiss him back, bringing her hands up to cup his face. Moony let out a howl of pleasure and Remus wrapped one arm around her waist, pulling her closer and deepening the kiss. It was sweet and emotional and electrifying and everything he wanted and had been denying himself.

'No more hesitation?' she asked, breathlessly, her eyes dilated with desire.

He shook his head and gently caressed her face with his thumb. 'I've had enough of going over and over every reason why we shouldn't be together, and it's exhausting. Life is messy and complicated, but one thing I know to be true it that I want you, Hermione Granger. I just want you so badly.'

He kissed her once more and this time he felt her smile against his lips, and he realised he was smiling too. They eventually separated and he saws her eyes shining brightly, a huge grin plastered on her face. He chuckled nervously and felt his cheeks flushing as he pulled her into his side once more.

'Merry Christmas Remus,' she said softly, lacing her fingers with his.

'Merry Christmas Hermione.'

It was only a kiss, but it meant so much more. It was a decision, a commitment, an acceptance of his feelings and of finally allowing himself to have what he wanted.